THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


The  Professor  hi  his  L;ibur-lory 


/V  V 

PROFESSOR  JBffiJS  CESAR  HANNIBAL 


BLACK   DIAMONDS; 

|unf0r,    Satire,    anb    Sentiment 

TBEATED    SCIENTIFICAU.Y 

BT 

PROFESSOR  JULIUS  C.ESAR  HANNIBAL. 

or 

A   SERIES   OF  BURLESQUE   LECTURES, 
DARKLY   COLORED. 


PUBLISHED    IN    "THK    NKW    TOBK    PIOATUNK. 


NEW   YORK 

PUBLISHED  BY  A.  RANNEY,  293  BROADWAY. 

CHICAGO:  RUFUS  BLANCHARD,  52  LA  SALLE  ST. 

CINCINNATI :  H.  M.  RULISON,  115J  MAIN  ST. 

1857. 


KSTIRED,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1855,  by 

T.    L.    MAGAGNOS, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  for  the  District  Court  of  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


TO  MY   FRIEND, 

LOUIS  GAYLORD  CLARK, 

EDITOR    OF    THE    KNICKERBOCKER    MAGAZINE, 

Who  is  among  the  first  to  discover,  appreciate  and  applaud 
Genuine  Humor, 

This    Volume    is    Respectfully    Dedicated,    by 

THE    AUTHOE. 


PREFACE 


THE  old  excuse,  the  "  earnest  solicitation  of  friends  "  to  have  the 
LECTOBES  OF  PROFESSOR  HANNIBAL  preserved  in  permanent  form 
for  future  laughter,  might  be  plead  in  extenuation  for  daring  to 
inflict  them  upon  the  public  in  book  form.  But  the  author  does  not 
wish  to  avail  himself  of  such  excuse,  and  at  once  frankly  confesses 
that  the  reason  for  thus  collating  them  was,  that  he  might  sell 
them,  and  that  the  proceeds  might  be  devoted  to  the  novel  purpose 
of  supporting  his  family. 

The  Lectures  may  be  found  very  unequal  in  point  of  merit  (if 
they  have  any) ,  but  let  it  be  remembered  that  they  were  written 
upon  a  bed  of  pain,  when  the  brain  was  slow  to  work,  and  the 
muscles  had  struck  all  together.  When  the  simplest  movement  was 
intense  agony  ;  when  night  brought  with  it  no  sleep,  and  the  reme 
died  of  the  physician  insignificant  relief.  In  all  of  the  Lectures, 
however,  the  author  has  attempted  hits  at  the  prevailing  follies  of 
the  time,  and  to  draw  a  moral  therefrom  ;  and  if  some  of  the 
itinerant  lecturers  of  the  day  should  find  themselves  satirized,  none 
will  stop  to  weep. 

"  A  little  nonsense  now  and  then, 
Is  relished  by  the  wisest  men." 

If  this  be  true,  he  may  hope  to  brush  away  the  cobwebs  of  care 
from  the  brow  of  the  most  learned,  and  carry  smiles  into  the  homes 
of  all  classes.  If  they  are  found  to  lighten  the  heart  of  the  burden 
of  life,  and  drive  dull  care  from  tBe  weary,  it  is  all  that  can  be 
expected  by  . 

THE  AUTHOR. 
I 


LECTCRE  KiOB 

i.  Introduction     .        •  T    •        •        •        •        •        •        .13 

it.  New  Year's  Night  Disturbance 16 

ra  Woolly 19 

iv.  Hairy      .         .         . 22 

v.  Oily  *. 25 

vi.  Indignation      .        ........      28 

vn.  Horny     .        .        ." 32 

vni.  Sykesy  Taking  the  Butt 35 

ix.  The  Bull  Frog 38 

x.  The  New  Road        .     , 40 

xi.  The  World  as  it  is 43 

xn.  Facetious        ....••••.46 

xin.  The  Camel 49 

xiv.  The  Fall  of  Man 51 

xv.  French  Without  a  Master        ......      64 

xvi.  Spiritual  Rappers     .         •    ,    •         •        •        •        •        .56 

xvn.  A  New  Recipe  for  Making  Gas        .        .        .        .        .59 

xvin.  Geography ...      62 

xix.  Long  Ears      .........      65 

xx.  Matrimony     .        .        .        ••••        .        .68 

xxi.  Truth  in  Poetry      ....•••.72 

xxii.  Anatomy       .........      76 


Vi  CONTENTS. 

LECTURE  PAGB 

xxin.  Astronomy     .       Tfc       .......      79 

xxiv.  About  the  Muskeeto  Kingdom 83 

xxv.  De  Buck        .        .        .......      85 

xxvi.  Deep  Reflections     ...••...88 
xxvii.  Dogmatic       .........      91 

xxvui.  The  Vampire          .        •        T       •        •      •  •        •        .94 

xxix.  Joan  D'Arc  .^ 99 

xxx.  Morning  Walks    .        .        .    ^ 102 

xxxi.  Altering  the  Scriptures          . 105 

xxxn.  Nuts  for  Bostonians  to  Crack      \        •        .        •        .    107 

xxxni.  Something  for  New  Yorkers          1       •        .        •        .111 

xxxiv.  Darkies  in  the  White  House          .        .        •        .        .114 

xxxv.  Independence  Day        ..&....    117 

xxxvi.  The  Elephant       .        .        .        •        •        •        •        .    121 

xxxvn.  The  Hog      .........    124 

XXXVIH.  The  Bat      .        .        .        .        <f       .        .        .        .127 

xxxix.  The  Crocodile      ........    129 

XL.  The  Rhinoceros  .        .        .        .        •        •        .        .     132 

XLI.  What  we  all  Want .    134 

XL.II.  Visit  to  the  President          »J    »        .        .        •        .    137 
XLIII.  Phrenology          .        .     «4        •        »        •        •        •     140 
XLIV.  Mesmerism         .        »  y    .«..«.    144 
XLV.  On  Providence    ..*.,...    147 
XLVI.  On  Love     .........     150 

XLVII.  Future  Punishment     .......    154 

XLVIII.  Acquired  Habits  .......    157 

XLIX.  Slippery       .........     160 

L.  The  Rooster 163 

LI.  Long  Island  Musings  .        .        .        .        .        .        .166 

LII.  Blunders  in  Hunting    .        .        .        .        .        .        .169 

LIH.  First  Love   ...  174 


CONTENTS. 

LECTUBE  PAGB 

LIV.  Will  Travel  Cure  Love  ? 179 

LV.  Grand  Reception  in  Boston           .....  182 

LVI.  Wise  Conclusions .  185 

LVII.  The  Indian  Summer     .......  188 

LVIII.  On  Gen.  Scott 192 

LIX.  Morality       .........  195 

LX.  Quackery      .........  198 

LXI.  Book-Keeping      ........  202 

LXII.  A  Darkey  Wedding  Almost           .        *        ...        .  205 

LXIII.  Political  Reflections     .......  208 

LXIV.  Following  the  Fashions        .        .        .        .        .         .211 

nxv.  How  it's  Often  Done    .        .        .        .        .        .        .216 

LXVI.  Woman's  Rights .219 

LXVII.  The  Result  of  Diligence      .  " 222 

LXVIII.  The  Fellow  that  Does  all  the  Mischief         .        .        .  225 

LXIX.  The  Slanderer 227 

LXX.  Early  Settlement  of  New  York 230 

LXXI.  On  Japan   .........  233 

LXXH.  A  Long  Disputed  Point  Fully  Settled          .        .        .  236 

LXXIII.  All  Signs  Fail  f 239 

LXXIV.  Displays  Vast  Learning      ......  243 

LXXV.  Deceptions          ........  245 

LXXVI.  A  Trip  to  Washington 248 

LXXVII.  Old  Times  and  New 251 

LXXVIII.  Some  Account  of  Jersey    ......  254 

LXXIX.  Spring  Time       ........  257 

LXXX.  First  of  May  in  New  York. 260 

LXXXI.  Absent  Minded  .        .        .        .        .        .        .264 

LXXXII.  Flat  Truths 267 

LXXXIII.  Juleous'  Idia  of  the  Hippodrome       ....  270 

LXXXIV.  Summer  Morning  Musings        .....  274 


V  CONTENTS. 

LKCTURB  PAG« 

LXXXV.  Lying 278 

LXXXVI.  Labor  in  Vain 282 

LXXXVII.  Hypocracy  Rebuked 284 

Professor  Hannibal  Spirited  Away     ....  287 
LXXXVIII.  Adventure  at  the  Crystal  Palace        .         .         .         .291 

T.-rrrrr.  On  Shakspeare 294 

xc.  Politicians 298 

xci.  Woman    .        ...&....  300 

xcn.  About  the  Old  Enemy       .......  304 

xcni.  The  Lobster      ........  309 

xcrv.  The  Monkey 313 

XCT.  Pompey's  Wedding  .        .        .        •        .        .        .  316 

xcvi.  A  Hard  Subject        .......  320 

xcvn.  The  Flea 323 

Tcvin.  Reflections  on  Politics 327 

Highly  Important  Announcement      .        .        .        .331 

xcix.  The  Resolution          .        .        .       \        .        .        .  335 

The  Professor  Goes  to  Europe      .        .        • +'    •       •        •        •  339 
First  Epistol  from 'Urope    .        .        .        ,        .        .        .        .341 

Second  Epistol  from  'Uropa         .*•*...  345 

Third  Epistol  from  'Urope           .        ,        .        .        .        .        .  349 

Fourth  Epistol  from  'Urope         ••••••.  353 

Fifth  Epistol  from  'Urope    . 357 

Sixth  Epistol  from 'Urope 361 


Professor  before  bis  audience. 


INTRODUCTION. 


LECTURE  I. 

FELLER  SITIZANS: 

I  HAB  come,  as  you  all  know,  from  'way  down 
in  Ole  Warginna,  whar  I  studded  edicashun  and  siance 
all  for  mysef,  to  gib  a  corse  of  lectures  on  siance  gine- 
raly,  an  events  promiscuously,  as  dey  from  time  to  time 
occur.  De  lettter  ob  invite  I  receibed  from  de  komitee  from 
dis  unlitened  city,  was  as  full  ob  flattery  as  a  gemman  ob 
my  great  desernment,  edication,  definement,  and  research 
could  wish. 

I  'greed  to  deliber  my  fust  discourse  dis  ebening,  but  de 
fattig  ob  trablin  in  de  kars  hab  jolted  all  de  ideas  out  ob 
me,  notwistandin'  de  kornductors  was  bery  sibil  to  me,  an 
rnity  perlite  to  Sister  Bartolemew,  who  trabeled  under  my 
'tection  all  de  way.  Dey  gib  us  fuss  rate  kar,  an  on  de 
teamboat  dey  gib  us  fuss  rate  bed — separate,  ob  korse. 

What  you  all  snikerin  'bout? — don't  you  noe  dat  to  laff 
rite  out  in  meetin  am  wulgar  ?  but  I  spose  you  don't  noe 
no  better.  It  am  all  owin  to  de  brougtens  up  of  de  chile. 
You  got  nobody  dat  noes  notin  to  tell  you  notin. 

You  will  find  de  words  o'  my  text  in  de  lass  claws  ob  de 
niuety-furst  chapter  of  de  Pilgrim's  Progress,  whar  it  says — 

An'  Simon  said  unto  Peter,  Let  not  dy  conscience  be  made  ob  injin  rubber,  lest 
it  etruch  dy  sole  into  dat  lake  which  burns  wid  fier  an'  brimstone,  kian  pepper  an* 
assefedity. 


14  ^  BLACK"  DIAMONDS. 

You  must  iiot  spose,  in  de  fust  place,  dat  de  Simon  an' 
Peter  'luded  to  in  de  text  was  de  Simon  an'  Peter  wat  libed 
in  de  time  when  Jerusa-lam  was  a  little  willage,  an'  when  de 
possle  Noah  wore  swaddlin  clothes,  kase  it  wasn't  he  at  all. 
It  was  Simon  Smock  talkin'  to  he  son  Peter,  when  he  lebe 
he  fadder's  manshun,  in  Tater-pelin  alley,  one  mornin'  on  a 
carryin'  in  wood  speculation.  Now  Pete  was  a  bad  feller, 
an'  would  lie,  and  take  tings  'casionally  wich  didn't  'long  to 
him,  an'  de  same  'wich  may  'ply  to  you  all,  derefor  I  warn 
you  get  de  tex  by  hart. 

Dere  am  a  grate  many  men  in  dis  corn-unity  dat  hab  injin 
rubber  consciences,  an'  de  most  prominent  ob  de  class  am 
considered  de  lawyer — next  de  showman,  and  den  de  doc- 
torman.  De  lawyer's  conscience  will  'low  him  to  struch  it 
furder  dan  de  rest,  an'  some  ob  dem  hab  nearly  broke  it  in 
too  by  continual  stretchin.  One  ob  dese  days,  snap  it  will 
go,  and  den  good  Mr.  Lawyerman,  'way  he  go  to  de  lake 
dat  burn  wid  all  dem  'grediances  'splained  in  de  text.  Dis 
lake,  my  fritened  hearers,  must  be  a  mighty  big  one  to  hold 
all  de  lawyers,  if  nobody  else  in  de  world  but  lawyers  go 
dere,  kase  dere  am  seberal  lawyers  to  ebery  inhabitant 
troughout  de  State.  Whar  dis  lake  am  sitewated  am  a 
puzzler  to  me,  an'  all  succeeding  stronimers  dat  hab  libed 
afore  my  tune.  But  I  find,  by  what  I  can  glean,  arter 
burnin'  seberal  quantities  of  midnight  oil  in  deep  and  labo- 
rus  resarch,  dat  it  must  be  nie  de  gulf  whar  de  walcanoes 
mountanes  am,  else  whar  de  debel  do  de  walcanoes  get  up 
sich  a  fire  from  ?  Why,  de  cat-a-kize  sez  dat  de  'rumptions 
ob  Mount  Wociferous  can  be  heard  fur  seberal  days,  fur 
several  miles  off,  previus  before  de  fire  fly,  an'  previously 
artenvards.  Now,  do  you  wish  to  noe,  you  poor  trembling 
sinners,  wat  noise  dat  am  dats  heard  'seeding  from  de 
mount  ?  Well,  I'll  toll  yer.  It  am  de  grones,  de  lamonta- 


INTRODUCTION.  15 

shuns,  and  de  smashing  ob  teeth  ob  de  wicked  peoples  who 
hab  let  their  consciences  struch  like  injin  rubber. 

Dis  lake,  my  friends,  am  sebrel  hundred  miles  in  sarcum- 
ference,  an'  'bout  half  dat  distance  round  de  edges.  It  am 
a  hundred  miles  perpendicularly  measured,  an'  no  bottom 
hab  been  found  to  it  yet,  dat  we  nose  on.  De  Rochester 
knockin'  spirits  didn't  come  from  dis  place,  else  we  find  out 
all  'bout  it.  Dere  was  some  wicked  sailors  got  so  nie  to  de 
top  of  de  mountain  where  de  'ruption  comes  from  once,  dat 
next  day  dey  found  demseffs  broke  out  wid  a  'ruption  all 
ober  dere  bodies,  which  de  dockter  struched  him  conscience 
'fishently  to  pronounce  de  measels,  and  he  condemd  the 
whole  proceedings  as  beiu'  rash.  Dis  drefull  place  am  for 
bad  colored  man,  as  well  as  bad  wite  man,  an'  no  matter 
how  much  you  'spize  de  moon-truck  tribe  on  dis  eart,  you 
got  to  mix  up  wid  dem  in  dat  warm  climate,  an'  no  doubt 
many  in  dis  extremely  southern  climate  will  be  found  to  hab 
northern  principles.  An'  ole  Simon  noein  dis  fact,  he  spake 
out  to  de  boy  Pete  to  warn  him  from  de  greezy  road  ob  sin, 
and  pint  him  out  de  rite  paff  to  kingdom  cum. 

An'  now,  let  me  tell  you  dat  a  man  who  possesses  an  iujin 
rubber  conscience,  and  libs  only  to  skin  him  brudder  out  ob 
him  eye  teeth,  can  neber  be  happy  in  dis  world  nor  in  euny 
oder  country;  his  sinful  follies  will  fall  on  him  own  head, 
like  a  siege  hammer  on  a  carpet  tack,  and  sooner  or  later  he 
get  smashed,  like  rotten  egg  in  egg  nog  time.  De  more  you 
tuist  and  turn  dis  fac,  de  bigger  it  git,  gis  like  snow-ball. 

While  Brudder  'Kastus  Putts  passes  round  de  hat,  de 
congregashun  will  please  sing  de  useal  Ducksholiday  to  de 
same  good  ole  tune. 


16  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  IL 

NEW  YEAR'S  NIGHT  DISTURBANCE. 

MY  B'LUBBED  LAMS  : 

I  is  almoss  'shamed  ob  myseff  for  'pearin'  afore  you 
in  de  shape  ob  de  'pology ;  but  I  better  'pear  in  dat  shape 
dan  in  the  shape  of  Satin.  De  fack  am,  I  am  so  corn- 
founded  and  cornfused  sens  New  Year's  day,  dat  I  don't 
noe  wedder  my  hed  am  a  bee  hive  or  a  saw  mill,  for  I  hear 
one  minnet  de  bees  in  one  ear,  an'  de  nex  I  hear  a  saw  mill 
in  de  odder,  an'  I  ain't  been  able  to  git  up  a  ginewine  lectur 
dis  time.  I'll  tell  you  how  all  dis  happen.  I  made  frequent 
calls  on  New  Year's  day,  as  moss  of  ob  you  noe,  an'  I  was 
berry  'tickler  not  to  'tempt  to  karry  more  den  my  strength 
would  'low,  kase  I  seed  at  ebbery  corner  men  wid  bildin' 
terials  in  dere  hat,  so  I  keep  my  top  eye  open.  "Well,  in  de 
ebenin'  I  met  de  kummitty  dat  presented  me  wid  my  new 
year's,  at  Anty  Clawson's  seller,  as  'prebeously  before  'greed 
'pon,  and  dey  gub  me  de  trowsers  an'  seckon'-han'  boots,  an' 
de  ober-cote  an'.  Hungagarian's  hat,  as  I  'luded  to  you  lass 
week,  an'  arter  de  spechefyin'  we  had  a  little  colission  ob 
clam  soup  au'  hot  stuff.  Well,  de  hot  stuff  was  berry  nice 
an'  s\vcet,  an'  I  foun'  out  arterwards  mitey  strong,  an'  by  de 
time  I  drink  a  pint,  my  hcd  snap  an'  crack  like  a  country 
tavern's  swingin'  sine  in  a  nor'-easter,  an'  den  I  felt  in  a  per- 
fcc  state  ob  happmess.  Arter  a  little  I  rose  to  go  hum  to 
my  wartus  bed,  but  Brudder  Libberlip  an'  Anty  Cla\vsou 
seduced  me  to  stay  all  nite,  kase  you  all  noe  it  war  a  berry 


NEW  YEAR'S  NIGHT  DISTURBANCE.  17 

bad  nite  for  peeple  ob  my  age  to  be  out.  Well,  I  went  to 
bed  dar,  an'  got  asleep,  but  it  didn't  lass  long,  for  de  fust 
ting  I  node  I  hear  a  feller  singin'  to  Mary  dat  lib  up  stares 
I  speck,  dat  he  war  a  settin'  on  the  style  whar  dey  set  side 
by  side.  By  golly,  tinks  I,  you  got  a  cold  burth  ef  you  set 
dar  long,  an'  it  wasn't  a  minnet  afore  de  same  feller  assured 
me  dat  he  wouldn't  go  hum  till  mornin' — till  daylite  did  ap 
pear.  Well  den,  sez  I,  stay  out;  who  de  doose  cars  ?  oney 
don't  bodder  me.  Agin  I  dosed,  when  sum  young  bloods 
come  to  de  winder,  and  brag'd  'bout  dere  bettin  dere  money 
on  a  bobtail  nag,  an'  dat  sum  body  bet  on  de  gray.  I  node 
it  wasn't  me  dat  bet  on  de  gray,  kase  I  nebber  hab  money 
'nuff  to  bet,  an'  I  dont  noe  nofin  'bout  hoss  racin',  an'  I  was 
gwane  to  git  up  to  tell  dem  so,  when  I  hear  a  woice  cross 
de  treet  'nounce,  in  a  loud  key,  dat  Ole  Dan  Tucker  had 
come  to  town,  an'  was  a  walkin'  de  treets  'round.  Well, 
dat  make  me  mad,  to  tink  a  pusson  muss  be  woke  up  in  de 
nite  time  to  be  told  dat  Dan  Tucker  cum  to  town,  when 
we'd  all  seen  it  in  de  Herald  in  de  mornin',  if  Daniel  was 
worth  noticin'.  I  was  gis  gwyne  to  trow  my  boot  at  him, 
when  some  kuller'd  man  near  by  kummenced  beggin'  people 
to  carry  him  along.  He  wanted  to  be  carried  "  down  to  de 
berryin'  groun',"  an'  tole  he  massa  not  to  cry.  Dat  made 
me  feel  bad,  till  I  hear  de  same  feller  tell  his  Susanna  dat 
he  cum  all  de  way  from  Alabama  wid  a  banjo  on  his  nee, 
an'  beg  her  not  to  cry  for  him.  I  was  wrothy  den.  I  felt 
boun'  to  get  up  an'  lam  dat  chap ;  but  my  'tention  was  'rested 
by  a  chap  rite  by  de  winder,  tellin'  me  in  a  cornfedenshul 
tone  dat  Nelly  was  a  lady,  bu$  dat  she  died  the  night  afore, 
an'  he  wanted  all  de  bells  toled  for  he  dark  Wargiua  bride, 
an'  he  had  just  poured  his  sorrow  in  my  ear  when  a  pate- 
rotic  young  Dutchman,  'bout  two  houses  off,  -'formed  de 
sleepin' world  dat  de  star-spangled  bang-danger  did  wabe 


18  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

ober  de  hum  of  the  grabe.  Well,  den,  I  tink  ebbery  body 
mast  go  mad,  an'  I  turned  ober  to  try  go  to  sleep,  when  a 
party  ob  'bout  a  duzen  cum  rite  in  front  ob  de  dore,  an' 
sung  out  togedder,  "  Wake  up,  Mose,  de  fire  am  buruin' 
roun'  de  corner  ;  de  ingine,  comin."  Oh,  tinks  I,  dey  hab 
mistook  de  house;  so  I  got  up  an'  opened  de  dore,  an'  stuck 
my  hed  up,  an'  tole  dem  to  go  long  wid  dere  noise,  dat  Mose 
didn't  lib  dar,  an'  dat  it  muss  be  in  the  nex  treet.  Well, 
wood  you  b'lebe  it,  as  soon  as  dey  see  me,  one  feller  holler'd, 
"  Hillo!  here's  ole  Julius  Ceaser  Hannabel.  Let's  crown  him 
King  of  de  Darkeys,"  an'  dey  went  to  to  the  curb  stone  an 
picked  up  a  barrel  dat  was  a  sittin'  dar  haff  full  ob  ashes, 
an'  put  it  rite  ober  my  head.  I  holler'd  "  Murder  "  an' 
"  Fire,"  but  my  hed  bein  in  the  barrel,  nobody  hear  me  but 
Anty  Clawson,  who  got  up  an'  exagerated  me  from  my  pe- 
rnlus  siterwashun,  ob  -bein  smudder'd  in  de  ashes.  When  I 
cum'd  out  I  felt  bad  ;  my  eyes,  nose,  an'  mouf  was  full,  an' 
when  I  blow'd  em  out,  an'  dey  got  so  I  cood  see,  dere  stood 
Anty  Clawson  in  her  nite  gown,  an'  dere  was  I  wid  oney  my 
linin  to  cubber  me.  I  felt  mity  streeked  an'  dusty,  but  I 
shook  off  de  moss  ob  it,  an'  went  to  bed.  When  I  fust 
looked  out  ob  de  cellar,  to  tell  the  lofers  to  go  'way,  I  seed 
a  poleeceman  on  de  corner,  but  as  soon  as  he  seed  a  row  he 
skulked  down  a  airy  till  it  was  all  ober.  Well,  den  I  git  a 
little  nap,  an'  when  I  wake  up  I  found  I  hadn't  sleep'd  none 
all  nite,  an'  my  hed  felt  as  big  as  a  new  recruit  on  his  fuss 
parade  day;  an'  I  aint  got  clar  ober  it  yet.  Some  ob  my 
'ponents  want  to  try  to  'sinewate  dat  I  was  drunk;  but  de 
fuss  brudder  or  sister  dat  'siniwate  dat  fack  will  get  red  out 
ob  de  meetin'.  I  do  b'lebe  dere  was  eder  rum  or  camfene 
in  dat  hot  stuff,  or  sumfin  else  dat  make  your  hed  feel  as  if 
it  was  a  hangin'  by  de  hair  unconnected  wid  de  shoulders 
altogedder. 


WOOLLY.  19 

De  moral  of  my  discord  to-nite  will  be  found  in  de  lass 
claws.  Don't  drink  much  hot  stuff,  ef  it  be  eber  so  sweet. 

I  hope  my  'pology  am  'scepted,  an'  nex  week  I'll  perpe 
trate  somefin'  dat'll  be  a  libin'  monument  to  de  siantifick 
institute. 

De  collecshun  dis  ebenin'  will  be  for  cole  an'  lites,  and  for 
to  bye  your  poorly  surported  lecturer  anudder  shurt,  kase 
de  nasty  ashes  spile  de  only  one  I  had. 

Brudder  Gustus  Arlington  Snubs  will  please  pass  roun' 
de  sasser,  an'  be  careful  to  gib  back  no  change. 


LECTURE   III. 

WOOLLY. 

MY  STEEM'D  FREN'S  : 

HABIN'  sumwat  'cubberd  from  de  'fecks  ob  dat  hot 
stuff  dat  de  kommitte  made  for  me  at  Anty  Clawson's  on 
New  Year's  nite,  and  also  likewise  from  de  'fecks  ob  de  ash 
barrel  dat  de  rowdies  put  on  my  hed,  I  begin  my  lecturs  on 
siantific  subjecks,  an'  de  fuss  ting  I  shall  call  your  'tention 
am  to  de  beaufull  cretur  none  as 

DE   SHEEP. 

De  lubly  anamile  spoken  ob  in  de  tex  am  konsidered  won 
ob  de  moss  inosent  an'  abused  fellers  seen  in  de  spellin'  book. 
He  am  a  full  bluded  wully  hed,  an'  allers  sticks  to  he  party. 
In  fack,  you  seldom  see  dem  separated  de  one  from  de  odder, 
for  de  poet  sez  dat — 


20  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  Sheeps  ob  a  wool 
All  flock  to  one  skool." 


An'  dat's  a  fack,  for  I  nebber  seed  eny  class  ob  de  kommu- 
nity  stick  togedder  so  klose  as  dese  fellers,  not  eben  de 
Quackers  or  de  Jews,  an'  dey  allers  follow  dere  leeders  wid 
de  same  blind  dewotion  dat  de  polytishuns  do  dere  different 
leeders,  an'  to  'splain  dis  'kuliarity,  I'll  tell  you  leetle  anick- 
dote  dat  happen'd  to  ockur  to  me  long  time  ago.  •  One  day, 
when  I  was  younger  den  I  am  now,  an'  lib'd  on  my  good  ole 
massa's  plantashun,  afore  de  great  lebler  Deff  kum  'long  an' 
karrid  him  off  to  de  bertm'  ground.  I  war  a  gwane  to  hoe 
korn  in  de  feeld,  an'  I  trow'd  my  hoe  ober  my  sholder,  an' 
started.  In  gettin'  to  de  korn  feeld  I  had  to  cross  a  paster 
lot  whar  a  hole  flock  ob  sheep  war  a  grazin'.  When  1 
jumped  ober  de  fence  dey  set  up  a  terable  blattin',  dat 
sound  like  a  kamp  meetin',  an'  dey  all  run  to  de  odder  side  ob 
de  lot,  jis  whar  I  war  a  gwane.  Well,  de  sun  had  got  up  a 
good  while  afore  brexfuss  dat  mornin',  an'  he  make  my  shad- 
der  on  de  groun'  look  twice  as  big  as  me,  an'  my  hoe  handel's 
shadder  look  long  as  a  well  sweep.  Well,  when  dese  foolish 
sheep  seed  me  a  kumin'  towards  'em,  de  ole  he  ram  rushed 
pass'd  me,  an'  when  he  kum  to  de  shadder  ob  de  hoe  handel 
he  jumped  four  feet  high  to  get  ober  it,  an'  ef  ebery  sheep 
in  de  hole  flock  warn't  fool  enuf  to  do  de  same  ting,  I  hope 
I  may  neber  hab  my  sallery  raised  to  a  libin'  pint.  I  laff'd 
tull  I  swet  like  race  hoss  to  see  de  sheep  jump,  and  den  I 
tort  dat  dar  am  odder  fools  in  dis  world  'sides  dem,  dat  mis 
take  de  shadder  for  de  substance,  ebery  day. 

De  oldest  ram  am  ginerly  de  leader  ob  de  flock,  an'  ho 
allers  look  in  de*face  like  a  man  newly  shabed  and  powdered. 
You  will  noe  Mr.  Ram  by  his  horn  :  aldo,  he  cannot  conwe- 
nantly  blow  it.  He  wares  it  more  for  ornament  den  use. 


I 

WOOLLY.  21 

He  moss  allers  hab  too,  an'  dey  am  sitewated  on  de  bed,  jis 
like  dey  am  on  a  good  many  odder  sheeps'  beds,  found  'mong 
mankind.  Sumtimes  de  ole  ram  gits  in  a  fite  wid  anudder 
ole  he  feller,  an'  den  he  uses  his  horns  to  sum  purpose,  a 
buttinMiis  antygonist.  Dar  horns  am  allers  as  crooked  as  a 
sute  at  law,  an'  sumtimes  it  happen  dat  dey  git  so  dubble  an' 
tribley  corkscrewed  togedder  dat  it  take  dem  a  hole  day  to 
get  out  ob  tangle. 

Notwidstanin'  de  sheeps  am  sich  a  inosent  set  ob  creturs, 
dey  am  oue  ob  de  moss  useful  to  be  foun'  in  de  hole  book, 
an'  aldo  dey  don't  noe  much,  what,  I  ax  you,  kood  we  'speck 
from  a  sheep's  hed  ?  Dey  ain't  ob  much  use  while  libin', 
'ceptin  for  dar  wool,  which  am  used  to  make  flannel  shirts  for 
de  African  childern  on  de  kost  ob  Siberia,  an'  dey  am  more 
lucky  den  moss  odder  people,  kase  dey  only  git  fleeced  once  a 
year,  while  I  an'  meny  odders  git  fleeced  ebery  day. 

De  lam  am  de  puttyest  kind  ob  sheep,  an'  eberybody  lub 
to  see  dem  play,  as  ef  dey  war  kittens  on  de  grass.  In 
anshunt  times,  afore  de  City  Hall  was  bilt,  dey  used  to  offer 
dese  lams  as  a  sacrifice  'inoiig  de  hedens  ;  an'  ef  we  am  to 
belibe  de  butchers,  lam  am  offer'd  at  de  same  rates  now.  De 
sheep,  like  de  poet,  de  hog,  au'  de  foolosefer,  am  more 
appreciated  arter  dey  are  ded  den  while  in  a  libin'  state, 
kase  den  dey  am  konwerted  into  sheep,  lam,  an'  mutton. 
Dis  latter  dish  am  seldom  foun'  in  boredin  houses,  kase  de 
lanladies  allers  call  it  lam,  if  it  am  as  ole  an'  rank  as  ded 
dog. 

Dere  am  no  use  ob  my  gibin'  you  a  'skription  ob  de  sheep, 
kase  you  all  noe  him  like  a  book.  De  only  ting  I  will  'fur  to 
am  his  tail,  which  am  ob  no  more  use  to  him  den  a  pump 
handle.  He  don't  need  one,  an'  darfer  he  Neglects  it,  an' 
dar  it  hangs  down  like  a  penny  candel.  History  sez, 
dat  sum  ob  dar  tails  in  warm  klymates  grow  so  big  an' 


22  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

fat  dat  de  shipperd  hab  to  bild  a  little  wagon  to  karry  it  in, 
which  am,  ob  korse,  fastened  to  de  sheep,  an'  dat's  de  oney 
time  de  sheep  tail  am  seen  in  a  wagin  condishun.  It  am  not 
so  wid  de  lams.  Dar  tails  fly  like  a  woman's  tongue  all  de 
time. 

Brudder  Griff  will  pleese  han'  roun'  de  sasser,  an'  pleese 
keep  from  trowin'  sheep's  eyes  at  de  sisters. 


LECTURE  IY. 

HAIRY. 

LADIES  AND  GEMMEN: 

IT  am  oberwhelmin  proof  dat  a  great  thirst  for  nolage 
hab  bin  wakened  in  your  minds,  to  see  you  all  turn  out  dese 
cold  nites  to  har  your  suspected  lecturer  lucidate  de  grate 
an'  fundimental  principels  ob  siance,  and  ef  de  colleckshuu 
wus  only  large  nuff  to  buy  a  haff  a  ton  insted  ob  a  haff  a 
peck  ob  cole  at  a  time,  your  toses  and  noses  wood  be  a 
good  deel  more  comfurtable.  I  shall  on  dis  'tickler  'casion 
lectur  on  de  history,  costume,  and  occepashun  ob — 

DE  GOAT. 

De  goat,  my  ignumrent  harers,  muss  be  one  ob  de  moss 
beuiful  anamiles  in  crisendom,  or  else  de  buck  dandies  would 
not  try  so  hard  to  make  demseffs  look  so  much  like  him.  It 
seems  to  me  dat  as  soon  as  a  young  man's  beard  shows  itseff 
suffishent  to  indicate  de  approach  ob  whiskers,  his  ambition 
is  to  cultivate  it  to  look  like  de  Billy  Goat,  and  den  as  soon 


HAIRY.  23 

as  a  positive  goatee  am  rased  he  puts  on  a  crewat  wid  de 
ends  stickin  out  each  side  ob  he  head,  which  make  him  look 
like  a  he  goat  wid  a  yoke  on  to  keep  he  head  out  ob  mis 
chief,  and  den  he  may  be  called  a  buck  goat. 

Dar  am  two  kinds  ob  goats ;  de  Billy  goat  and  de  Nanny 
goat.  De  one  am  de  hemale  and  de  odder  de  shemale. 
You  will  see  a  grate  many  ob  de  former  round  de  treets 
New  Yeer's  day,  wen  you  ob  korse  kan  'zarmnon  de  anamile 
in  a  perfect  state  ob  labender.  De  shemale  goat  gibs  milk 
jis  de  same  as  de  cow  only  not  so  much  ob  it,  nor  is  it  as 
good  as  ole  mudder  cow's,  kase  you  karnt  make  butter  nor 
cheese  wid  it.  De  hemale  don't  gib  enything  but  butts. 

De  goat  am  found  all  ober  town,  'speshely  round  hoss 
stables  mong  de  hosses.  Dey  am  berry  fond  ob  bosses,  and 
like  to  sleep  wid  dem  wen  dey  don't  kick.  He  am  a  berry 
corragous  anamile,  and  will  fite  wid  odder  goats  till  he  die. 
I  don't  belibe  dey  tink  demseff  as  good  lookin  as  de  dandies 
tink  dey  am,  kase  ef  you  put  a  looking-glass  whar  he  can 
see  heseff,  he  will  at  once,  widout  de  least  sarahmouey,  raise 
heseff  upon  he  hind  legs  and  make  fite  at  he  own  likeness 
and  butt  de  glass  into  a  tousand  pieces.  Sometimes  dey 
butt  odder  tings  beside  goats.  Ef  dey  don't  happen  to  like 
de  'pearance  ob  a  sheep  or  a  man  dey  will  go  at  em  like  a 
house  a  fire.  Ole  Brudder  Sampson  was  butted  off  de 
bridge  one  day  by  one  ob  dese  fellers.  He  had  bin  a  fishin 
and  was  standin  me  de  side  ob  de  bridge,  and  was  a  stoopin 
over  pickiu  up  he  fish,  when  a  big  he  Billy  Gloat,  not  likin 
de  way  Samson  rounded  up,  rushed  at  him  and  butted  him 
on  de  trousers  and  oberboard  he  went.  Billy  looked  at  him 
in  de  water  for  a  minit,  and  den  run  and  skipped  round  in  de 
greatest  glee  to  see  de  mischief  he  had  done.  He  am  full 
ob  pluck,  but  we  nebber  see  him  jine  eny  ob  de  soger  corn- 
penies.  He  am  a  berry  wicked  feller,  and  it  am  easy  seen 


24  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

what  ain  ment  by  compairiu  de  wite  trash  to  de  goat.  It 
am  kase  dey  got  de  long  har;  and  it  am  as  easy  seen  who 
am  ment  by  de  lams  ob  de  flock  and  de  sheep  ob  de  fole.  -It 
am  de  cullerd  peepil,  kase  dey  got  de  wool,  and  dar's  whar 
we  got  de  wite  peepil  plumb. 

In  anser  to  de  kummitty  dat  wated  on  me  and  wished  to 
noe  what  would  be  moss  excepshunable  to  me  fur  a  New 
Year's  present,  I  hab  de  honor  to  say  dat  I  want  a  new 
pair  ob  second  hand  trouserloons  mity  bad,  and  my  boots 
wants  haff  solein  berry  bad — de  snow  has  played  de  debbil 
wid  dem  boots — dese,  wid  a  hundred  Cow  Bay  clams,  would 
be  tankfully  recebed,  purwidin  I  git  an  obercoat  and  a  Hun 
garian  hat  wid  dem. 

Brudder  Lewis  Cowsuth  Mazzini  Kinkel  will  purambullate 
de  lectur  room  in  de  most  'publican  manner  wid  de  useal 
sasser,  purwiding  he  kan  see  de  bad  pennies  from  ober  dat 
towerin  shurt  kollor. 


. 


OILY.  25 


LECTURE  Y. 

OILY. 

CHOSEN  CHILDREN  : 

As  I  hab  heretofore  an'  heretohind  'splained  de  natur 
an'  costume  ob  de  beests  ob  de  feeld,  I  shall  on  dis  great 
'casion  spoke  to  you  'bout  de  beests  an'  monsters  ob  de 
deep,  an'  as  I  allers  'tack  de  bigest  end  ob  a  joke  fuss,  I 
shall  lectur  dis  ebenin'  on  de  big  cod  fish,  none  'mong  de 
saylers  as 

DE    WHALE. 

De  whale,  my  frens,  am  seldom  found  in  enny  odder  place 
den  de  Middleterainin,  an'  de  Specific  Oshuns,  aldo  dar  was 
a  yung  Daneish  gemman,  named  Hamlet,  dat  de  'posle 
Shakspeare  slew'd  in  a  dewel,  an'  an  old  fogey,  named  Pelo- 
nius,  dat  tort  dey  seed  sumfin  berry  like  it  in  <Je  clowds;  but 
it  turned  out  to  be  a  camel. 

De  peeple  dat  go  arter  de  whales  am  called  whalers. 
Now,  my  ole  skool  master  was  a  whaler;  but  he  nebber  was 
to  see  in  he  lifetime.  But  I'm  off  de  track  ob  my  diskorse, 
like  a  spil'd  lokomotiff. 

De  whale  am  'mong  de  fishes  what  de  elemfint  am  'mong 
beastesses  ;  de  biggest  lofer  ob  dem  all.  A  fisherman, 
named  Jona,  swaller'd  one  once;  but  it  oberloded  he  stum- 
muck  to  dat  degree  dat  in  tree  days  he  leff  'em  up  agin.  It 
war  too  much  ob  a  muchness  for  him. 

When  you  fuss  see  one  ob  dese  fellers  at  see,  you  see  sum- 
fin'  wurth  seein',  as  he  am  spurtin'  de  water  up  true  he  nose, 

2 


26  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

like  de  Park  fount'n.  Soon  as  de  man  aloff,  in  de  royal 
top-gallen  main  chains  sees  him  true  he  spiglass,  he  sings  out 
at  once  to  de  man  dat  got  charge  ob  de  seller  dore  dat 
swings  on  'hind  de  ship,  "  Luff !  blast  you  eyes,  luff  !"  Den 
de  cap'n  kums  on  de  poop  deck  an'  pulls  out  he  gemometer, 
an'  takes  a  elewashun.  Den  you  hear  his  woice,  "  Take  in 
a  reef  ob  de  bowsplit,  an'  unship  de  hatchway  ob  de  hen- 
koop  for  axion.  Put  out  you  jib  an'  tackle,  an'  take  de 
kerBoose  house  up  stairs."  Den  you  see  de  sailors  run  roun' 
like  kittens,  up  an'  down  de  mass  bed.  Den  you  har  de 
mate  sing  out  tru  a  fire  horn,  "  Ebery  man  take  tree  hitches 
at  he  trowsers  an'  a  chow  ob  bacco,  an'  be  darn  quick  'bout 
it.  Take  a  reef  in  de  mainmass,  an'  luff  go  de  rudder. 
Splice  de  mein-brace.  Down  wid  de  jib-boom,  an'  up  wid 
de  still  yards,  an'  put  on  de  pot.  Now  de  'citement  begins, 
kase  de  ole  whale  am  'sashain  nie  to  de  lubber's  side  ob  de 
ship.  Now,  de  cap'ii  bravely  drows  his  led  pence!,  looks 
tru  his  ginbometon  agin.  Take  down  de  longertude,  lasses- 
tude  an'  a  glass  ob  brandy.  Den  he  get  red  in  de  face  wid 
de  'citement,  an'  calls  to  de  men,  "  Boys,  man  de  botes  an' 
look  out  for  whale."  Den  de  boys  git  in  de  batto  bote,  an' 
dey  take  de  harpoon  wid  dem,  tied  to  'bout  five  miles  ob  bed 
cord,  an'  'way  dey  row  to  de  whale.  When  dey  git  'long- 
side  ob  de  monster,  he  look  big  as  Cooney  Island,  an'  den 
an  ole  whaler  in  white  pants,  straw  hat,  an'  a  long  black 
ribbon  on  it,  gumps  'pon  de  ole  whale's  back,  an'  gits  up  nie 
he  hed,  an'  feels  for  a  soft  spot,  which,  as  soon  as  he  fin's, 
he  sticks  de  harpoon  in  an'  swims  to  de  bote.  Den  de  ole 
whale  dives  rite  doun  to  de  bottom  ob  de  see,  an'  de  man  in 
de  bote  pays  out  de  lined  dat's  fass  to  de  harpoon,  as  fass  as 
a  man  dats  got  a  lor-sute  pays  out  money. 

Arter  de  ole  whale  rolls  heseff  on  de  bottom,  to  get  de 
harppoon  out  he  hed,  an'  he  sees  he  can't  do  it,  he  git  mite 


OILY.  27 

mad,  an'  kums  up  an'  make  fite  wid  de  ship,  an'  hits  it  a 
crack  wid  he  tail,  which  am  as  big  as  a  full  grown  barn  dore. 
Dat  make  de  cap'n  "smile"  agin,  an'  he  orders  more  harp- 
poons  in  de  whale's  back.  Dis  am  soon  dun  by  de  krew, 
an'  de  poor  whale  kums  week  from  de  loss  ob  blood  an'  he 
temper,  an'  gibs  up  he  ghoss. 

Sumtimes  he  hits  de  leetle  bote,  when  all  de  men  am  in 
it,  an'  stabes  it  all  to  tunder,  an'  'way  flys  de  men  up  in  de 
air,  like  man  kites,  an'  kum  down  agin  kerswat  in  de  water. 
Well,  arter  de  whale  am  ded,  dey  cut  him  up  in  chunks  an' 
hawl  him  on  borde,  an'  sich  stakes  you  nebber  did  see. 
Sturgeon  am  no  suckemstance  to  'em.  Why  dey  am  'nuff 
to  make  codfish  balls  for  all  ole  King  Cole's  army.  When 
he  am  all  cut  up,  de  saylers  'pear  to  feel  bad  'bout  him,  an' 
dey  all  go  to  blubberin'.  Day  bile  de  ile  out  ob  de  meet,  jis 
de  same  as  dey  do  de  greese  out  ob  de  mummys  at  de 
Museum,  an'  put  it  up  in  bar'ls.  De  bones  dey  put  down 
de  hole.  De  one  am  used  for  feedin'  de  luminary  apperate- 
sus,  an'  de  odder  for  makin'  de  ladies'  korsits  wid  when  dey 
ribe  home  to  Nantucket. 

De  whale  am  de  big  fish — de  codfish  aristocracy  ob  de 
sees,  de  same  as  de  big  bugs  an'  de  codfish  aristocracy  ob 
de  Ian';  but  de  former  hab  got  de  Vantage  ob  de  latter, 
kase,  notwidstanin'  de  whale  dewoures  a  good  eel,  he  pro 
duces  sumfin,  but  de  Ian'  codfish  aristocracy  dewours  ebery- 
ting,  an'  produces  nuffin'. 

Dat's  all  I  fine  'bout  de  whale,  an'  I  read  de  Pilgrim's 
Progress  rite  true,  an'  it  didn't  say  nuffin  3bout  it. 

Will  Brudder  Woolly  Dave  pleese  pass  roun'  de  sasser, 
an'  look  out  for  bad  pennies,  kase  dey  will  stick  me  ef  dey 
kin. 


28  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  VI. 

INDIGNATION. 

DEER  BRUDDERM  : 

'Tis  my  wish  dis  time 
To  lebe  off  prose,  an'  spoke  in  rime, 
Jis  to  luff  de  wite  trash  see 
Dat  I  kin  'dress  yon  in  sweet  poetree. 
Dey  tink  dey  got  all  de  edication, 
Dat  no  odder  peeple  in  de  nation 
Kin  call  de  aid  ob  all  de  muses, 
But  dey'll  see  I  kin,  ef  I  chooses. 
Well,  den,  to  begin,  you  all  do  noe, 
Dat  de  wite  trash  am  a  gwane  for  to  go 
To  send  de  kuller'd  popelation 
'Way,  off  t'  Liberia,  in  anudder  nation, 
War  de  sunshine  am  so  skorchin'  hot, 
Dat  its  rays  will  bile  de  dinner  pot ; 
An'  dar,  my  fren's,  you  got  to  toil, 
To  make  a  Iibin'/r07»  de  soil, 
An'  aldo,  ob  korse,  you  will  be  free, 
An'  each  man  hab  his  liberty, 
Dat  liberty  consists  in  de  rite 
To  work  all  day,  jis  like  de  wite 
Man,  or  else  starve  an'  die, 
Like  lazy  wites  in  ebery  conteri. 
Gub'ner  Hunt,  in  he  lass  proclamation, 
Sed,  dat  de  knller'd  popelation 


INDIGNATION.  29 

War  a  dyin'  out — meltin  'way, 

Like  a  bar'l  ob  'lasses  on  a  July  day, 

Dat  wite  an'  black  togedder  coodn't  stay, 

An'  tole  de  blacks  to  go  away. 

Dis  onsult,  ob  koorse,  we  coodn't  pass, 

We  met,  and  wrote  him  down — an  ass. 

At  de  meetin'  dar  war  sebral  speeches, 

By  brudders,  dat  'moss  buss  dar  breeches, 

"Wid  elemquence  an'  indignation 

'Ginst  eberyting  like  kulonization. 

"We  passed  a  wote  by  acklemation, 

Dat  de  black  folks  best  ob  all  creation, 

An'  show'd  de  abolish'nists  plain, 

Dat  we  cood  see  rite  tru  dar  game. 

Ole  Hunt  sees  de  race  absquatchelate, 

But  kan't  tell  wat  produce  dis  state. 

But  I  kin,  an'  by  your  approbation, 

I'll  name  it — Amalgamation  ! 

De  abolish'nists  won't  let  our  gals  alone, 

An'  now  want  to  send  de  men  from  home. 

Q-olly !  wen  I  tink  ob  it,  my  bind  bile 

Like  hasty  pudding,  all  de  wile. 

Anty  Clawson  sez  she'd  gib  a  doller, 

To  nab  a  wite  man  try  to  fool  her  ; 

She  sez,  ef  dey'd  come  roun'  her,  she'd  lam 

Dem  on  de  hed  wid  Cowbay  clam  ; 

Darfor,  I  'wise  Bill  Seaweed,  an'  all  sich, 

To  'woid  de  seller  as  dey  would  de  ich  ; 

But  I'm  off  de  track  ob  wat  I  ment  to  site, 

Wen  I  kum  har  dis  blessed  nite. 

I  ment  tn  lend  my  feeble  yell 

'Gainst  kulonization,  an'  to  tell 

Dis  kongregation,  one  an'  all, 


80  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Not  to  be  humbug'd  by  de  skeeme  at  all. 
Wat  rite  hab  dey  to  klub  togedder, 
To  sen'  de  kuller'd  folks  'way,  wedder 
Dey  will  or  no  ?    I'll  luff  'em  see 
I'm  a  Kousuth  an'  Lolo  Monkee 
Kumbined  in  one  ;  I'll  show 
Dat  I'm  roun',  an'  boun'  to  blow. 
Ef  we  go  dar,  to  work  we  got  to  go, 
A  ting  all  darkies  hate,  you  noe  ; 
Darfor,  I  tink,  we'd  all  be  fools, 
To  try  to  larn  de  use  ob  tools. 
Wat  do  we  want  to  noe  'bout  bricks, 
Or  bildin'  houses,  an'  sich  tricks  ? 
Ef  we  larn  dese  tings,  an'  sich  like, 
We'll  hab  to  work  from  morn  till  nite. 
No  longer  kan  we  lofe  'roun  docks 
Or  markets,  but  muss  work  like  ox — 
No  longer  dance  de  jig  anr  reel, 
At  Kafrine  Market,  for  de  lunch  ob  eel — 
No  longer  for  de  porgies  sing, 
Nor  dance  de  juba  in  de  ring ; 
All  our  pleasure  will  be  gone  away, 
When  kulonization  gits  de  sway. 
Tru,  dar  we  all  wood  lib  togedder, 
One  black  man  jis  as  good  as  tedder ; 
,      We'd  hab  our  own  laws  an'  skools, 
But  wat's  all  dis,  you  simple  fools, 
If  you  got  to  work  to  make  it  ? 
Darfor,  I  say,  de  debel  take  it. 
De  dandy  darkey  won't  go  'way, 
Bekase  Liberia  hab  no  Broadway, 
Wharin,  on  Sunday  arternoons, 
He  kin  sport  he  fancy  trowserloons, 


INDIGNATION.  31 

An'  dandy  coat,  jis  good  as  new, 

Only  he  boss  wore  it  a  year  or  two 

Afore  he  did  ;  but  wot  ob  dat  ? 

De  kuller'd  ladies  arn't  so  flat 

As  to  spurn  a  secon'-handed  cote, 

Wen  de  chap  dat's  in  it,  wars  a  gote. 

Dey  neber  ax  'em  whar  dey  get  dar  close, 

Hence,  it  am  inferred,  dey  nose. 

But  I  muss  stop  dis  brilliant  epic  here, 

Bekase  its  growin'  late,  I  feer. 

De  sisters  want  to  go  a  sparkin', 

Darfor  I  klose,  by  dus  remarkin' — 

Let  de  kulonizationers  do  dar  mite, 

You  all  kum  har  each  lectur  nite, 

An7  keep  de  subjick  in  a  blaze, 

An'  bring  all  de  money  you  kin  raise, 

An'  han'  de  cash  each  nite  to  me, 

Kase  I'm  de  Gineral  Kommittee — 

Dat  am  I'm  one  ob  dem,  I  mean, 

But  not  one  ob  de  gay  tirteen. 

Will  B  rudder  Kuff  be  so  perlite 

As  to  pass  de  sasser  roun'  to-nite, 

An'  look  out  for  shillin's  made  ob  tin, 

Bekase  de  lofers  ring  dem  in  ; 

An'  as  my  eyes  am  old  an'  bad  to  see. 

Dey'm  offen  pass'd  away  by  me. 


82  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  VII. 

HORNY. 

EFLUBIOUS  BBODDERN  : 

You  will  find  de  tex  ob  my  diskorso  dit>  ebenin  a 
swimin'  in  enny  ob  de  fresh  water  ribers  or  ponds,  trouout 
de  country,  an'  ef  you  want  to  noe  in  pertickler  wat  dat 
am,  I  will  tell  yon.  I  mean  to  'liten  you  on  de  beauties  ob 
de 

CAT    FISH. 

Dis  fish  am  a  lofer  fish,  enny  how  you  can  fix  him.  On 
klose  'zamenashun  he  will  remind  you  ob  seberal  tings  you 
can't  tink  ob.  He's  as  humbly  as  a  hoss  hed  skinned,  an' 
he's  all  mouff  like  a  clam,  an'  darfor  he  am  also  likewise 
like  a  skoldin'  wife,  all  jaw,  an'  he  look  like  a  cullerd  man 
wen  he  laff,  in  de  countenance.  He  eyes  am  on  de  top  ob 
he  hed,  so  he  can't  look  down  on  eny  ob  de  oddej  fish,  like 
de  big  codfish  aristokracy  dat  swim  abuv  Union  Square  do 
on  de  odder  fish  below  dat  inflated  region.  He  am  slimy 
as  slander  all  ooer,  an'  as  slippery  as  a  gold  doller.  Sum 
cullerd  men  s'pose  dat  dese  fish  am  sum  'lation  to  ole  Belze- 
bub,  kase  he  got  horns  like  dat  augustus  personage.  But 
aldo  he  wears  de  horns,  he  am  no  kin  to  de  debil,  an'  ef  all 
mankind  dat  am  sitewated  like  de  cat  fish  in  dis  respect,  am 
to  be  classed  in  'mong  his  'latives,  he  wood  hab  too  big  a 
famaly  to  feed.  Darfor  I  say  unto  you,  in  de  langwage  ob 
de  poet,  de  cat  fish  am  not  de  debil,  more  am  de  debil  a  cat 
fish. 


HORNY.  33 

I  sed  in  de  fuss  klaus  ob  dis  epic  dat  de  cat  fish  am  a 
lofer.  I  still  stick  to  dat  fack  ef  it  "make  Rome  houl." 
De  reeson  I  say  he  am  a  lofer  am  kase  he  distroys  more  den 
he  earns,  an'  de  man  dat  does  dat  am  a  lofer  all  de  world 
ober,  an'  we  all  know  dat  de  caty  does  dat  ting.  He  am  a 
sucker,  an'  like  de  lofer  he  libs  by  suckshun,  an'  sucks  in  he 
nabors,  perwidin'  dey  am  small  'nuff  to  anser  he  purposes. 
He  am  like  de  Canabells  we  hear  ob  'mong  de  mishenarys, 
kase  he  eats  he  own  children  ;  but  I  b'lebe  he  ginerly  per- 
fers  odder  fishes'  bodies. 

I  don't  noe  why  he  am  called  de  cat  fish,  onless  it  am 
bekase  he  am  such  a  pussylanamus  feller,  and  pussylan&mus 
am  catamount  to  bein'  called  a  ramtomas.  One  reeson  dey 
call  him  so  may  be  'kase  he  am  so  sportive  an'  kitten  like 
when  he  am  out  ob  de  water. 

If  dar  am  one  fish  dat  de  fisherman  'spise  an'  abhor  more 
den  anudder,  it  am  dis  same  torn  cat  fish,  kase  dey  fool  em  so 
offul.  You  nebber  node  one  ob  dese  fish  to  take  rite  hold 
ob  de  hook  like  a  'spectable  week  fish  or  torn  cod.  No. 
Dey  go  sneekin'  round  de  bate  bitin'  off  de  side  a  little  now 
an'  a  little  den,  tryin'  to  steel  de  bate,  an'  it  am  only  when 
you  gib-  a  galwanick  jirk,  an'  hook  him  in  de  topper  jaw 
dat  you  kotch  him,  an'  den  you  may  safely  make  up  your 
mind  dat  you  got  him  on  a  string.  Well,  wen  you  got  him, 
wat  den  ?  Look  out  how  you  fool  your  time  wid  him,  or 
you'll  get  he  horn  in  your  hand,  for  he  am  sure  to  make  fite 
wid  you.  Brudder  Bob  Roberts,  ob  New  Orleans,  rites  me 
a  berry  perfectic  story  'bout  he,  an  heseff,  Simon  Bines,  he, 
an'  heseff  a  gwane  a  fishin'  to  de  lake  ob  Pont-char-mar- 
tram,  nie  dat  Creshent  City,  whar  de  battles  ob  Lake 
Shampain  and  Erie  Canal  was  fit,  an'  he  'scribes  how  he  got 
de  horn  ob  de  cat  fish  in  he  hand,  an'  in  slingiu'  de  fish  off 
he  fell  on  de  spot  war  Simon  war  jis  a  settin'  down,  an' 

o* 


34  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Simon  set  on  de  fish  an'  jumped  up  immediately,  ef  not 
sooner.  But  didn't  Simon  rub  an'  swar,  an'  didn't  he  lam 
dat  fish  ?  May  be  not,  an'  may  be  yes;  but  Bob  sez  he  war 
mitey  glad  he  warn't  dat  cat  fish  'bout  dat  time. 

De  fate  ob  de  cat  fish  an'  de  fate  ob  de  green  countryman 
am  boff  alike,  wen  edor  cum  to  dis  city,  kase  dey  boff  get 
beaufully  skin'd.  De  former  am  allers  well  kooked,  but  de 
latter,  aldo  he  am  konsidered  well  done,  he  ginerly  remains 
as  raw  as  eber. 

Dat's  all  I  find  out  'bout  de  cat  fish.  Ef  de  telligrafick 
aoose  sez  enny  ting  'bout  him,  I'll  let  you  noe  nex  week. 

I  is  inquested  to  state  dat  de  black  swan,  accumpanyed 
by  sebreal  wite  an'  black  brudders,  will  ribe  iu  dis  city  soon, 
an'  I  speck  she  will  gib  a  consart  at  Pete  Williams'  or  sum 
odder  place.  It  am  'spected  de  wooley  beds  ginerly  will 
turn  out  in  one  muss,  an'  'scorch  her  tru  Larence  street  an' 
de  Five  Pints.  She  will  lay  all  de  wite  trash  singers  out 
cold : — 

De  fame  ob  Jenny  Lind 
Will  be  wasted  to  de  wind, 
An'  no  longer  we  hear  de  praises 
Of  no  more  Cafrine  Hayzes  ; 
But  all  de  praise  will  be  let  loose, 
On  de  black  swan,  alias  goose. 

To  make  dat  lass  line  rime, 
I  got  to  say  goose  dis  time. 

Sister  Swan  may  not  be  sich  a  sweet  singer,  but  she  will 
be  found  a  mitey  strong  one. 

Will  Brudder  Sam  Slofield  please  to  pass  round  de  sas- 
ser,  an'  stop  laffin  at  de  axident  dat  happen  to  Simon  Bines. 
Sich  conduc  in  people  ob  his  size  am  berry  irreproachable, 
berry. 


SYKESY   TAKING   THE    BUTT.  35 


LECTURE  VIII. 

SYKESY   TAKIXG   THE    BUTT. 

ARTER  settlin'  de  questshun  as  to  who  an'  wat  Mr.  Aztic 
was,  who  lets  his  children  be  made  a  show  shop  ob  in  Broad 
way,  I  see  no  odder  questshun  dat  'quire  de  interference  ob 
de  larned  an'  siantifick,  but  one,  an'  dat  am  sartinly  a  puz- 
eler.  De  town  am  goin'  mad  'bout  it,  an'  unless  I  come 
out  an'  settle  de  hole  ting  in  one  full  swope,  I  don't  noe  to 
wat  pitch  de  peepil  will  git  dernseffs.  Dar  am  no  noein'  wat 
wood  becum  ob  dis  cummunity  ef  it  wasn't  for  your  humble 
speeker.  I  blush,  as  much  as  sarcumstances  will  admit,  to 
tink  dat  I  am  de  great  leder  dat  ballances  public  'pinion  in 
dese  days.  De  subjick  dat  I  hab  reference  to  dis  ebenin'  am 
call'd  on  de  ha'n'bills  all  'bout  town — 

PSYCHOLOGY. 

an  am  one  ob  de  modern  siances  'culiar  to  dis  klimate. 

Sykeology  am  deribed  from  de  name  of  Sykesy,  an' 
Sykesy  war  de  man  spoken  ob  in  de  anchent  history  ob  Joe 
Sefus,  who  war  so  politely  'quested  by  Moses  to  "  take  de 
butt.'-'  Dis  history  dates  fudder  back  dan  de  fuss  axedent 
on  de  Harlem  Railroade,  an'  dat  you  noe  am  a  long  time 
ago.  Sykesy  war  a  lazy  dissyple,  an'  nebber  wood  take  de 
butt,  unless  he  war  drobe  to  it.  He  pertended  to  study 
siance,  an'  one  ob  his  'stances  war  dis,  which  am  suspishusly 
called  arter  his  name.  Dar  am  a  good  menuy  perfessers  ob 


36  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

dis  siance  runnin'  round  an'  doin'  de  peepil  brown  whenebber 
dey  git  a  chance. 

As  de  public  mind  am  berry  much  cogitated  'bout  de 
matter,  I  'eluded  to  go  to  oue  ob  de  'xrbishons,  an'  see  how 
it  war  done,  an'  settle  de  pint  by  tellin'  you  all  I  noe  'bout 
it.  An'  I  tink  I  got  dem  perfessers  dis  time  on  de  hip. 

Sykeology  am  a  sister  siance  to  musmerism,  mental  acho- 
hal,  an'  de  odder  black  arts  or  blygards,  I  forgit  now  which. 
It  consists  ob  puttin'  de  folks  to  sleep,  while  dey  am  wide 
awake,  an'  make  em  cut  up  all  kinds  ob  shindees  wid  dar 
eyes  wide  open.  In  short,  it  am  gittin'  drunk  widout  enny 
ob  de  useal  stimelets,  an  am  considered  by  de  lamed  a  new 
doge  ob  de  temperance  allegience.  But  I'll  'splain  de  hole 
ting  to  you,  an'  not  keep  you  in  suspended  anxiety  no  longer. 
Ef  you  want  to  be  frown  in  de  state,  as  dese  perfessers  call 
it,  you  muss  go  dar,  an'  go  up  to  de  platform,  an  den  de 
perfesser  look  at  you  smack  in  de  eye,  as  brabe  as  a  sheep. 
Den  he  gib  you  a  piece  ob  money  to  hold  in  your  hand, 
arter  he  blows  he  breff  on  it,  an'  den  he  passes  he  han'st 
ober  you  face  to  pull  de  wool  ober  you  eyes,  an'  den  he  can 
make  you  b'lebe  you  am  Andrew  Jackson  Allen,  Major 
Crawley,  Gen.  Jones,  me,  or  enny  odder  great  man  ob  de 
age.  Den  he  can  make  you  sing  a  song,  laff,  or  cry  a  hole 
bason  full  ob  tears,  jis  as  he  likes,  and  arter  dat  he  can 
tetch  a  bump,  an'  let  you  cum  to  yourseff,  an'  feel  as  flat  as 
my  pocket  book.  Now  all  dis  seem  queer,  strange,  an' 
unaccountable  to  de  ignumrent ;  but  to  me  an'  de  ress  ob 
de  stugents  ob  siance,  its  as  clar  as  lager  bier. 

You  all  see  dat  dis  delusion  am  brot  'bout  by  piece  ob 
money.  Well,*you  all  noe  dat  money  am  de  root  ob  all 
ebel,  darfor  it  muss  be  dat  it  cum  from  de  ole  debil  heseff, 
an'  here  I  will  state,  for  inflammashun,  dat  notwidstan'in'  it 
am  so  much  ob  an  ebel,  all  de  churches  an'  all  de  preechers 


SYKESY    TAKING   THE    BUTT.  37 

don't  'pear  to  care  how  much  ob  dis  ebel  dar  am  on  hand 
'bout  dese  days.  Well,  den,  dis  money  bein'  closely  related 
to  de  ole  square  foot  feller,  it  am  naturally  to  be  s'posed  he 
got  a  big  finger  in  de  pie,  an'  dis  I  tink  am  de  fac.  De  in 
fluence  ob  a  piece  ob  money  on  some  peepil's  hands  am 
always  different  from  odders;  but  wen  it  am  charged  wid 
dis  mental  alcohol,  as  dey  call  it  (which  am  noting  else 
but  de  debel  in  a  liquid  form),  it  act  on  de  lumbolus  muzzels 
ob  de  human  sistem,  an'  de  lumboluses  aggrewates  de 
artickular  fibres,  which,  actin'  in  a  direct  function  on  de 
catagory  nerves,  an'  de  perry  nostrum  wessels  am  conducted 
fru  de  culinary  canal,  which  am  widen'd  for  de  purpose,  an' 
fines  its  way  to  de  gastric  juces,  whar  it  am  mejetly  sent  by 
de  tubical  ob  de  heel  to  de  brane  pan.  When  de  brane  pan 
am  full  ob  de  influence,  den  you  can  'sperement  on  de  cree- 
tur,  an'  make  dem  play  torn  fool  as  long  as  you  like,  kase 
de  creter  am  den  as  full  ob  de  ole  Belzebub  as  a  big  wood- 
chuck. 

Now,  you  noe  all  'bout  de  siance  ob  Sykeology  'bout  as 
well  as  de  perfessers  demseffs  ;  but  I  warn  you  not  to  fool 
wid  it,  noe  how,  for  ef  de  fluids  go  'rong,  an'  you  shood  put 
de  money  in  you  pocket,  insted  ob  holdin'  it  in  your  hand, 
dar's  no  noein'  what  de  consequence  mout  be.  Likenuff 
when  you  "  cum  to,"  you'd  find  youseff  colapsed  in  de 
Tooms,  or  some  odder  place  ob  recreation. 

Brudder  Kel  Longlogue  will  pleese  pass  roun'  de  sasser, 
an'  luck  out  for  bad  pennies.  It  seems  dat  I  git  all  ob 
dem,  an'  all  de  tin  shillin's  dat  am  in  sarculation. 


38  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  IX. 
THE  BULL  FROG. 

MY  SUSPECTED  FRIENDS  : 

I  SHALL  on  dis  'portant  'casion  lucidate  on  de  sianti- 
fick  siances  ob  prolific  genius,  'cordin'  to  natur.  My 
remarks  on  dis  'ticlar  casion  will  agin  be  fetched  from  de 
animal  kingdum,  'cordin'  to  de  'possel  Goldsmith,  an'  de 
critter  dat  I  shall  honor  wid  notice  dis  time  will  be  ob  de 
bull  species.  Now  dar  am  sebril  kinds  ob  bull,  de  bull  calf, 
de  bull  ox,  de  bull  dog,  de  bullefant,  John  Bull,  an'  de  Irish 
bull,  whose  fuss  name  am  Pat  Bull,  'cordin'  to  de  Greek,  an' 
dar's  de  bull  hed  fish,  an'  de  bull  what  de  Pope  spoke  'bout, 
an'  de  "Wall  street  bull.  We  hear  ob  de  bull  fiddle,  but 
none  ob  dese,  you  black  seed  ob  Kain,  'tract  my  'tentshun 
in  de  leest,  but  de  bull  I  speck  to  splanify  from  him  hed  to 
him  tail,  am  a  bull  dat  hab  made  considerafoi/Z  noise  in  de 
world,  'specially  summer  nites,  an'  am  called  by  us  in  nateral 
histry,  de 

BULL    FROG. 

An'  as  I  bin  so  bizzy  ob  late  'tendin'  to  odder  fokes  bizness, 
I  ain't  had  time  to  study  out  de  'culearities  ob  de  beest,  I 
will  darfor,  for  dis  once,  gib  de  'pinion  ob  a  nudder  foolo- 
sefer  on  de  subjick.  I  shall  gib  you  de  benefit  ob  de  'sarches 
ob  Perfesser  Pompey  Godolphus  Squash,  Esq.,  who  sleeped 
two  nites  in  a  frog  pond  to  find  out  dar  moses  opcrandi,  as 
we  say  in  Latin.  You  will,  no  doubt,  recurnlect  dat  Per 
fesser  Squash  war  a  leotwin  here  when  I  fuss  broke  out  in 


THE    BULL   FROG.  39 

de  siantifick  world,  but  de  Druminond  lite  ob  my  geenis  out 
shone  de  feeble  rushlite  ob  lie  talent  for  siance,  an'  he  busted 
up,  an'  went  out  ob  de  'Nited  States  to  Jursey,  an'  got  a' 
sitewashun  in  a  lunatic  'silam. 

"  De  bull  frog,"  says  dat  delatidated  perfesser,  "am  no 
relation  whateber  to  de  hoptoad.  He  sprung  from  de  family 
ob  Pollywogs,  on  him  mudder's  side,  an'  from  a  poor  man's 
plaster  on  him  fodder's  side,  from  which  we  draw  sebral  con 
clusions.  When  he  war  polliwog,  he  war  'bout  de  size  ob  a 
second  hand  chew  ob  'baccy,  an'  bout  as  nasty.  He  swim 
'bout  on  de  top  ob  de  little  spring — in  de  spring  ob  de  year, 
till  de  hot  sun  make  him  grow  too  big  for  him  briches,  an' 
den  one  mornin'  he  wake  up  an'  find  himseff  somebody  else; 
he  har  looses  de  thred  ob  him  tail,  an'  can  go  no  furder  wid 
he  story  ob  he  progressive  life.  De  bull  frog  am  'bout  de 
size  ob  a  piece  ob  hoe  cake,  wid  legs;  he  head  am  round, 
sumfin'  like  cat  fish,  an'  he  hab  an  open,  generous  count'- 
nance  like  a  clam;  him  mouf  am  'bout  de  size  ob  an  opera 
singer's  in  de  distressful  passages  ob  "  Lucreture  Porge." 
His  color  am  ob  a  grizly  pepper,  salt,  an'  mustard  yaller, 
an'  green,  mixed  up  wid  brown  gray  in  streeks." 

Dar  am  little  known  'bout  dar  soshul  existence.  Dar  am 
no  foolosopher  dat  hab  discobered  wat  dare  tastes  am  for 
eddicashun,  darfor  no  man  noes  wedder  dey  go  to  free  skool 
or  not,  but  dis  I  find  out  myseff !  Dey  muss  hab  singin' 
skools,  among  'em,  kase  tudder  nite,  lass  summer,  when  I 
went  home  wid  oyster  soop  Jack's  daughter,  ober  back 
ob  Bohoken,  de  frogs  had  a  consert,  which  lasted  all  de  time 
dat  I  war  ober  dar;  dey  made  as  much  noise  as  de  lawyers 
in  de  korthouse. 

De  hind  legs  ob  dese  chaps  am  de  Frenchmen's  delite,  dey 
skin  'em "an'  cook  'em  wid  as  much  relish  as  culler'd  man  eats 
de  possum  fat  an'  hoe  cake.  Dese  fellers  am  putty  cute, 


40  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

too;  you  can't  get  dem  "  on  a  hook,"  or  "  in  a  horn,"  but 
you  hab  to  nett  de  ting  wid  dem,  or  you  can't  kotch  'em. 
So  fur,  dar  hab  oney  bin  bull  frog  diskibered.  As  soon  as 
dey  find  out  de  cow  frog,  I  will  open  de  subjec  agin  for  de 
wancement  ob  siance. 

Dar  will  be  a  meetin'  at  de  seller  to-morrow  ebenin'  to 
take  in  'siderashun  de  fac  dat  your  suspected  lecturer  wants 
a  new  second  hand  cote  mitey  bad. 

Peter  Glainin  will  please  hand  round  de  sasser,  an'  de 
collectshun  will  now  be  taken  up  to  buy  whitewash  an'  a 
new  brush  to  clean  dis  room,  an'  I  'pint  Sister  Johnson, 
Brudder  Coles'  an'  Sister  Brigely  de  committee  to  do  de 
same. 

Me  an'  Daniel  Webster  an  rayseff  war  inwited  to  de 
Picayune  Ball  on  Monday  nite. 


LECTURE    X. 

THE  NEW  ROAD. 

BLUBED  SINNERS  : 

De  words  ob  my  text  on  dis  'portant  'casion  you 
can't  find  in  eny  ob  de  books  dat  hab  bin  printed,  nor  in 
eny  ob  de  noose  papers,  kos  I  neber  spake  from  dem  afore, 
but  neberdeless  dey  am  giss  as  good  as  do  dey  had  been 
sounded  from  one  end  ob  de  world  to  de  odder,  tro  de  tel- 
lugraff  or  Baalam's  trumpet.  De  words  am — 

"  GO   TO    HEBBEN    YOUR    OWN    RODE." 


THE    NEW    ROAD.  41 

I  noe,  my  'spected  hearers,  dat  all  de  different  'nominations 
will  be  down  on  me  for  telling  you  dis,  kase  dere  am  none 
dat  will  'low  you  dat  pribelige  ;  dey  all  tell  you'  dat  if  you 
don't  belibe  jis  as  dey  do,  and  come  into  de  'tablished  church, 
you  am  lost  obberboard  in  de  big  gulf  ob  sin ;  all  de 
churches  am  'tablished  churches,  and  dey  all  tink  de  rode 
dey  hab  picked  out  trough  de  miserable  thickets  ob  truble, 
wexations,  and  odder  grevences  ob  dis  life,  am  de  rite  one, 
and  de  odders  am  all  rong.  Bishop  Hughes  says  dat  his 
creed  am  de  only  one  dat  will  popelate  hebbin,  and  de  pris- 
beterians,  on  hearin  dis  'sertion,  held  a  meetin  right  away  at 
de  Tubernicle,  an'  contadicted  de  hole  ting,  told  some  good 
nany-gotes  'bout  ole  Giles  Croggins'  hoss  and  kart,  and 
'spirsed  satified  dey  wor  on  de  rite  rode.  De  Metodist,  de 
'piscopailfulls,  de  Baptist,  de  Tairrians  an'  Worsilest,  all  tink 
dey  see  de  golden  gates  ob  hebben  rite  afore  dem,  and  feel 
sure  ob  being  Vited  in  to  take  a  sect  as  soon  as  dey  nock  at 
de  dore.  Dey  am  gis  like  a  lot  of  skoolboys  playing  base, 
dey  all  see  hunk,  but  all  take  a  different  paff,  in  order  to  git 
in  fust.  Now,  my  ungrateful  frens,  I  don't  want  to  say  dat 
eny  ob  dese  'nominations  am  wrong,  but  I  am  goin  to  take 
my  own  rode,  and  cut  cross  lots.  I  am  goin  to  do  unto  all 
I  meet  de  same  as  I'd  wish  dem  to  do  unto  me — treat  dem 
kindly — relieve  all  de  sufferin'  I  kin  along  de  paff,  and  when 
I  reach  de  golden  gate,  I  shall  strip  myself  ob  all  de  worldly 
tings,  and  'pear  wid  de  nacked  truff  for  my  breast  plate,  and 
I  tink  by  ilein  myself  all  ober  wid  de  ointment  'posed  ob  lub, 
charity,  and  faith,  dat  I  will  slip  in  while  St.  Peter  am 
'zaminin  de  credentials  of  Brudder  Beecher  and  Brudder 
Hughes.  If  I  kin  git  a  chance  to  say  a  sly  word  to  St. 
Peter,  I'll  ask  him  if  .charity  am  one  ob  de  principal  foun 
dations  of  Christianity  ?  and  if  he  say  yes,  which  I  tink  he 
will,  den  I'll  tell  him  dat  Brudder  Beecher  show  no  charity 


42  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

toward  de  actor  people,  an  I'll  take  his  lectur  on  de 
'bolishin  ob  teatres  in  my  pocket,  and  show  it  to  him, 
wherein  he  see  dat  Brudder  Beecher  sends  all  de  actors  to 
hell  wedder  or  no  ;  den  St.  Peter  will  say,  "dat  don't  look 
christin  like,  but  den  Brudder  Beecher  got  much  charity  and 
lub  for  de  nigger  race,  of  which  you,  as  a  member,  should 
feel  tankful  and  prowd.  It  shows  'clusively  dat  he  lubs 
darkey  more  dan  actor."  Yes,  I'll  'mark,  dats  a  fac,  he  does 
tink  colored  man  better  dan  actor  man,  kase  de  colored  man 
don't  interfere  wid  he  bread  and  butter  ;  but  I  don't,  so 
long  as  de  actor  man  behaves  hisself.  » 

My  lubed  Sisters  and  Brudders,  you  can  all  git  to  hebben 
if  you  like,  and  Void  de  big  lake  dat  I  spoke  'bout  toder 
week.  To  do  dis,  you  mus  go  true  (^e  world  wid  a  clare 
conshuns,  kick  hipocracy  to  de  ole  debil,  where  it  belongs, 
rong  nobody,  help  one  anodder  along  in  de  trials  ob  life  ; 
keep  out  ob  debt  and  all  de  low  rum  shops  ;  stop  playin 
bluff ;  don't  steal  anyting,  not  eben  a  chicken  ;  do  as  near 
rite  as  you  noe  how ;  and  try  to  learn  to  do  all  de  good  your 
limited  sphere  of  life  will  'low,  and  you  hab  as  good  a  sight 
for  a  front  seat  in  hebbin  as  de  loudest  brawler  among  de 
whole  tribes  ob  mankind  ;  you,  ob  course,  hab  got  to  do 
your  duty  jis  as  well  as  de  rich,  influenshul  man  hab  got  to 
do  his'n,  an'  one  ob  your  duties  am  to  put  all  de  money  you 
kin  in  de  plate,  when  Brudder  Gustus  Lemonskins  hans  it 
round. 

I  wish  to  state  afore  closin'  de  shop,  dat  de  Hannibal 
Guards,  de  colored  company  ob  soldiers  ob  dis  city,  dat 
paraded  todder  day,  was  raised  in  honor  ob  myself,  and 
named  arter  me,  for  de  great  'spect  dey  hab  for  'spected 
laborer.  Dere  will  be  open  house  in  de  sellar  New  Years, 
and  sister  Johnson  will  make  de  ele  chowder 'on  dis  'ticlar 
'casion,  chowder  ready  from  8  "M.A."  till  dark,  and  little 


THE    WORLD   AS    TT   IS.  43 

arter,  an  I  trust  you  will  all  joy  yourselfs  and  keep  sober. 
Santa  Klaus  visited  sebral  ob  de  early  risin'  gineration  ob 
dis  congregation,  and  left  peanuts,  baloney  sassage,  and 
odder  good  tings.  Anty  Cuff  hung  up  her  'tockin,  but  one 
ob  de  board  ob  health  happened  to  "  smell  a  rat,"  or 
dered  it  down,  else  ders  no  'noin  what  might  hab  bin  in  it. 


*  LECTURE  XI. 

THE  WORLD  AS  IT  IS. 

DEAR  SISTERS  AND  BRUDDERN  : 

You  will  find  de  words  of  my  text  for  this  ebenin'  in 
de  'gography  written  by  an  ole  gouty  gemman,  named  Peter 
Parley,  de  text  reads  dus, 

"  Dis,  world  is  round,  and,  like  a  ball. 
Seems  swinging  in  de  air.'1" 

Now,  my  ignorant  deciples,  you  must  know  dat  dere  am 
seberil  kinds  of  worlds  ;  dere's  de  teatrical  world,  whare 
de  theatres  fust  come  from  ;  den  dere's  de  literary  world, 
whare  all  de  literary  come  from  ;  den  dere's  de  world  ob 
fashion,  whar  all  de  "  bong  tong  "  lib  ;  den  dere's  de  world 
ob  sciance,  ob  which  world  I  claim  to  be  a  native.  But 
none  ob  dese  worlds  am  de  world  ment  in  de  tex  ;  de  world 
ment  dere  am  dis  sircumlambula  busitarian  world,  on  which 
we  am  at  dis  minute  restin'  our  enlarged  understandins. 
But  how  de  foolosefers  ob  old  find  out  it  am  round  am  a 
puzler  to  me.  De  fust  man  who  said  dis  world  to  be  round 


44  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

was  a  schoolmaster  dat  libed  prebiously  just  arter  de  flood, 
by  de  name  ob  So-crates,  and  de  peeple  all  laffed  at  him, 
an'  ole  King  Cruso,  who  rained  at  de  time,  seein'  dat  he 
node  so  much  pholosphy,  cotched  him  one  nite  while  he  was 
on  a  coon  hunt,  and  got  him  into  de  Tombs,  and  pizened 
him  wid  mixture  of  padlock  bark,  and  Mr.  So-crates  drink 
him  down  jis  like  cider  spirits,  smacked  his  lips,  pulled  up 
his  shirt  collar,  an'  laid  himself  down  an'  died.  He  was  a 
'stonishing  perssin,  'cordin  to  Hoil's  'counts  ob  him.  He 
libed  in  a  sugar  hogshead,  and  led  a  sweet  existence.  De 
next  man  dat  'serted  de  fac  was  de  ole  rheumatic  genius 
whose  poetry  serbes  your  'litened  laborer  wid  a  tex  dis 
ebenin.  De  fac  ob  de  world  being  round,  like  a  big  pumkin, 
seems  to  strike  your  understandings  in  a  'circular  way,  and 
make  all  you  eyes  look  big  as  sassers.  I'll  e'splain  de  holl 
ting  to  you  so  you  will  know  hencearter  all  'bout  it,  jis  as 
well  as  odder  peeple.  You  must  noe,  in  de  fust  place,  dat 
dis  world  am  bounded  north  by  de  Pasific  Ocean,  as  fur  as 
longitude  North  Pole,  an'  on  de  east  by  de  Gipsian  Pira- 
mids,  south  by  Witney's  Railroad  depot,  and  west  by  de 
Rocky  Mountains.  Dere  am  a  South  Pole,  as  well  as  a 
North  Pole.  De  South  Pole  am  made  ob  a  mity  big  red 
hot  crowbar,  bigger  den  30011  liberty  poles,  an'  on  de  top 
of  it  de  world  rests  one  end  ob  itself  on  its  axel-trees.  De 
odder  end  rests  on  de  North  Pole,  which  'cordin  to  Spoke- 
shake,  am  made  of  icebergs.  De  odder  end  ob  de  big  axle- 
tree  dat  runs  true  de  middle  ob  de  globe  rests  on  de  top  ob 
dis  pole,  an  dat's  what  bring  new-year's  day  in  de  cold  sea 
son,  and  you  see  what  keeps  de  world  in  proper  equolibriam 
trimmins,  and  perwents  it  from  upsettin'  earsterly  or  west 
erly,  am  de  mighty  Gipsian  Pyramids  on  de  one  hand,  an' 
de  spontaneas  Rocky  Mountains  on  de  odder.  Dis  I  found 
out  myself  1  Some  times  dese  axle-trees  want  greasing,  to 


THE    WORLD    A3    IT  IS.  45 

make  it  slip  round  easy,  an'  how  dey  go  to  work  to  do  it 
remains  one  ob  de  "  Misteries  of  Adolphin."  I  tink  dat  de 
arthquakes  dat  we  read  so  much  'bout  in  de  papers,  am 
caused  by  de  takin'  down  ob  one  or  odder  ob  the  axel-trees, 
when  dey  go  to  grease  de  top  ob  de  pole.  An'  one  ob  dese 
days,  my  stingy  hearers,  de  North  or  South  Pole  will  give 
way,  an'  bust  up  all  creation.  De  wolcanoes  will  fall  on  de 
icebergs  an'  melt  dem  all  up  into  water,  which  will  oberflow 
dis  world,  and  you  will  be  swamped  alive  !  In  sich  a  case 
ob  'mergency,  I  would  'wise  you  all  to  rush  for  de  ferry 
boat,  an'  git  on  Brooklyn  Hights,  as  soon  as  d«  will  ob 
Providence  and  power  ob  steam  will  carry  you ;  dar  you 
will  find  de  wicked  cease  from  grumblin,  and  de  lazy  am 
at  rest. 

Dis  watery  pictur  dat  I  draw  afore  your  distorted  wisages 
may  be  'sidered  out  ob  place  in  dis  "season  ob  brandy  toddy, 
gin  slings,  whiskey  punches,  hot  stuff,  an'  Jersey  lightnin' ; 
but  noein'  you  all  got  pretty  well  corned  on  new-years,  I 
thought  a  more  refreshing  subject  could  not  be  touched  'pon 
on  dis  'portant  'casion.  I  myself  got  a  little  dizzy  in  de  head 
an'  sick  at  de  stomack,  after  makin'  431  calls  'mong  my 
flock,  which  may  in  a  small  (horn)  measure  'polagise  for  my 
disinterestin'  discorse  this  ebenin.  Noin  dat,  so  soon  arter 
de  holidays,  it  would  be  useless,  I  fourbear,  passing  round 
de  sasser  on  dis  'casion. 


46  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XII. 

FACETIOUS. 

LADIES  AND  GEMMEN  : 

MY  discourses  dis  ebenin  will  be  drawn  from  de 
annals  of  sciance,  according  to  Gunter,  and  de  sciance  I 
'tend  to  lite  on  your  understandings  wid,  will  be  de  sci 
ance  ob 

NOSEOLOGY. 

Noseology,  my  frens,  had  a  good  deal  to  do  wid  tings  ob 
dis  life,  for  by  it  you  can  tell  to  wat  race  every  man  you 
meet  in  de  street  b'longs. 

Noseology,  ob  course,  means  nose  ob  de  face  ob  wite  man, 
red  man,  black  man,  half  black  man,  and  monkey.  Dere 
am  sebril  classes  ob  noses,  which  was  classed  in  King 
Crusoe's  time,  under  de  heads  of  Wegetable  noses,  Hook 
noses,  Roman  noses,  Pug  noses,  Grecian  noses,  and  flat  and 
Poke  noses,  and  odder  noses  dat  1  nose  not  ob.  De  wega- 
table  nose  am  'wulgerly  called  turnup  noses.  Dese  kind 
am  bery  prebilent  wid  young  misses  when  dey  git  a  new  bo, 
if  dey  happen  to  meet  dere  old  bo  in  de  street.  Anodder 
wegetable  nose  am  de  redish  ;  dese  am  generally  found  on 
the  faces  ob  ole  bachelors  who  had  patronized  de  dimajog 
frequently  offen.  Some  time  dese  redish  noses  wegetate  and 
cumulate,  one  on  top  ob  de  odder,  till  dey  am  piled  up  like 
a  heap  ob  pabin  stones  on  a  load  ob  red  sand,  and  dis  my 
ignorant  frens,  am  what  Spokeshape  means  by  de  tex, 

On  horror's  head  horrid  noses'  cumulate. 


FACETIOUS.  47 

De  redish  nose  arn  often  called  de  Rumen  nose;  de  hook 
nose  is  most  frequently  met  in  Chatham  street,  'mong  de 
Jews;  and  wo  be  to  de  customer  who  gets  hooked  under 
dere  nose.  He's  sure  to  be  sold  someting  better  ash  new, 
and  sheep  as  dirt.  De  hook  nose  is  some  'mong  de  yankees 
up  East.  Joseph  Miller,  Esq.,  an  elderly  gemmon,  node 
one  wunst,  dat  had  sich  a  big  one  dat  when  he  went  to  pick 
cherries,  he  used  to  hang  by  de  limb  wid  it,  and  pick  wid 
boff  hands  ;  dey  made  him  President  ob  de  hook  and  ledder 
company.  De  Roman  nose  seems  to  be  a  mistery  mong  all 
de  foolosefers,  and  Mr.  Milton,  or  some  odder  fur  seein' 
chap,  said  dat 

No  one  nose 
What  a  Roman  nose. 


Derefore  I  pass  on  dem  kind  ob  noses,  and  splain  de  pug 
nose.  Dis  nose  seems  to  be  permiscusly  sent  by  human 
natur  to  all  babies,  who  seem  proud  ob  dem  from  de  time 
it  am  no  bigger  den  a  piece  ob  putty  wid  two  holes  in  it, 
till  it  swell  to  de  size  ob  de  hickory  nut.  Natur  seems,  in 
gibin  de  finishin  touch  to  babies,  to  hab  hit  dem  on  de  end 
ob  de  nose  and  turned  it  up  so  it  would  not  be  in  dar  way 
in  gitting  dere  sebril  meals  a  day  from  de  mudder  ;  dese 
little  noses  am  none  as  Greesein,  as  de  child  grow  up  'spe 
cially  on  cold  mornins. 

De  next  nose  under  'sideration  am  de  poke  nose;  dese  am 
de  wust  noses  of  all.  Dey  am  ginerally  long  and  pinety, 
and  found  'mong  de  old  maids,  slip  shod  married  wimming, 
editors,. and  now  and  den  it  am  found  'mong  de  preecher 
mans. 

My  dear  deluded  lams,  beware  ob  de  poke  nose.  You 
noe  dem  in  a  minit  by  dere  sneakingly,  downwardly,  pint- 
ingly  'pearance.  If  you  don't  look  out  for  dem,  you'll  wis 


h 


48  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

you  better  had,  kos  day'll  find  out  all  your  business.  Noe 
how  many  sasingers  you  eat  for  dinner  !  Whar  you  git 
your  close  !  How  much  you  git  for  white-washing  a  day  ! 
and  sich  tings,  an'  den  go  glab  it  on  de  corner  an'  in  de 
cellar. 

De  flat  nose  am  great  mark  ob  'stinction  'mong  de  colored 
folks,  if  dey  am  not  too  flat.  Now,  dere's  young  Sister 
Cole  hab  got  nose  so  flat  dat  she  hab  to  put  tar  on  her  fin 
ger  to  make  dem  stick  long  enuff  to  blow  it.  But  you  may 
tink  I'm  blowin'  it.  Not  de  nose,  but  de  fact  ob  her  habin' 
sich  nose,  but  I  only  mention  it  in  pint  ob  'lustration. 

De  next  human  being  dat  hab  got  flat  nose  am  de  mon 
key.  An'  aldough  dere  am  not  a  race  ob  men  on  dis  cir- 
cumfering  earth  dat  I  so  much  dispise  for  dere  lazy  an' 
cunnin'  perpensitys,  still  I  don't  wish  to  'radicate  no  honor 
from  eny  section  ob  de  great  family  ob  human  natur. 

Brudder  Cato  Puggs,  who  mistook  de  orango-tang  in  de 
Museum  for  his  grandmother,  and  gib  her  a  Christmas 
present,  has  'plied  to  me  to  sew  Mr.  Barnum  in  de  Sperm 
City  Cort,  to  recobber  de  half  pound  broken  candy,  big 
orange  and  stick  ob  likerish  which  she  took  from  him  widout 
eben  saying  tanky  sir.  I  recline  to  hab  notin'  to  do  wid  it, 
'case  he  ought  to  noe  better. 

Brudder  Klem,  pass  roun'  de  hat,  an'  look  out  for  tin 
«iy»ences. 


I 


THE    CAMEL.  49 


LECTURE  XIII. 

THE  CAMEL. 

BRUDDERS  AND  SISTERS  : 

I  is  glad  to  persebe  dat  a  tirst  fur  noledge  had  agin 
'sembled  you  togedder,  an'  I  trust  you  will  go  'way  sassage- 
fied  dat  your  ole  and  worthy  speaker  am  teaching  your  idias 
how  to  shute.  I  hope  de  Anti-gamblin  'Siety  won't  tink  I 
shute  marbels,  kase  I'm  down  on  all  species  ob  dat,  as  well 
as  Purfesser  Greeley.  From  pitchin'  pennies  you  git  to 
pitchin'  quates,  from  pitchin'  quates  you  pitch  into  somebody 
else,  and  so  on  to  de  end  ob  de  pusseloge.  But  dis,  my 
stingy  hearers,  hab  notin'  to  do  wid  de  subjic  ob  my  dis- 
coure  dis  ebenin',  an'  I  shall  now  endeber  to  lucidate  dat 
subjic  to  de  hight  ob  you  xasperation,  and  not  hide  my  lite 
under  a  half  a  peck.  De  pictur  ob  de  subjic  dis  time  I 
found  in  de  Spellin'  Book,  and  in  de  Gogrophy,  and  when  I 
went  in  de  wild  beast  show  I  find  him  dare  chawin'  away, 
jis  as  if  he  git  dollar  a  day  for  doin'  de  same  ;  dere  is  no 
use  in  keepin'  you  in  'spenders  eny  longer,  so  I'll  tell  you  dat 
de  crettur  dat  I  tend  to  splanify  to  you  am  no  less  a  pus- 
senage  den 

DE  CAMEL ! 

It  seems  to  me,  on  lookin'  abroad  on  human  nature, 
human  indolence,  and  de  rest  ob  de  'rangements,  dat  dis 
beast  must  hab  bin  made  last,  for  it  strikes  me  wid  de  force 
ob  a  ten  strike  from  Hier,  dat  dere  wasent  stuff  'nuff  leff 
to  finish  him  out  in  a  'spectable  style,  suteable  for  de  'siety 

3 


£0  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

ob  deTest  ob  mankind  ;  dey  must  had  a  large  supply  ob  lip 
leff,  kase  dey  furnish  him  wid  eben  more  den  dey  handed  out 
to  de  colored  race.  Dey  was  putty  well  off  for  legs,  and 
bones  too,  I  gess  ;  but  dere  back  stuff  must  hab  bin  short, 
and  in  a  good  many  small  pieces,  kase  it  looks  as  if  he  was 
spliced  togedder  in  sebril  places,  and  put  on  promiscuously, 
widout  eben  smofin'  down,  and*  dere  leff  to  dry,  and  it  neber 
be  eny  better  wid  him.  He  carries  de  rockey  mountins  on 
him  shoulders,  Bunker's  hill  on  him  rump,  and  de  walley  of 
Gee-hoss-em  fat  in  de  middle.  His  mouff  am  good  deel  like 
black  man's,  oney  bigger,  and  more  ob  it ;  but  de  'spression, 
as  de  doggutotipe  man  sez,  am  berry  simler  ;  he  chaws  de 
cud  ob  bacco  wid  de  same  ease  and  imperience  dat  de  gem- 
mons  on  de  stoop  ob  de  hotel  in  Broadway  do,  oney  de  camel 
don't  spit  on  de  walk,  to  be  wiped  up  by  de  ladies'  dresses 
as  dey  prumenade  dat  muddy  toroughfare.  When  de  camel 
move  along,  he  look  jis  like  two  wolcanos  stuck  upon  four 
beanpoles,  and  kivered  ober  wid  a  hoss  blanket  full  ob  coal 
ashes,  he  head  stick  up  strait  as  a  raw  recrute  in  a  soger 
company,  or  like  Joe  Cudgo,  when  he  win  twelve  shilling  in 
de  policy  shop. 

Dese  animals  was  born  among  de  turkeys,  in  Turkdom,  and 
am  ginerly  brought  up  and  edicated  by  de  Arabian  nites, 
dey  kan  karry  more  burden  den  eny  odder  man,  'ceptin  always 
de  Pilgrim  Progress  man.  Dey  kin  go  widout  water  from 
Saturday  nite  till  Sunday  mornin,  an  not  git  dry,  but  den  in 
de  mornin  dey  want  dere  bitters  like  odder  peepils.  De 
camel,  you  black  rogues,  am  mentioned  in  de  big  book,  whar 
it  say  dat  it  am  harder  for  a  rich  man  to  enter  de  kingdom 
ob  hebbin,  dan  it  am  for  a  camel  to  go  trough  de  I  of  a 
needle.  Now  if  dere  am  enybody  I  dispise  in  dis  world,  it 
am  a  poor  man — he'm  a  disgrace  to  de  community,  and  or't 
to  be  kicked  out,  I  war  poor  once,  myself,  and  I  'noe  jis 


THE    FALL    OF    MAN.  51 

how  mean  dey  lib,  an  I'm  down  on  dem  like  sledge  hammer, 
but  jf  am  sure  you  all  feel  glad  you  aint  rich,  kase  you  tink 
your  chances  for  hebbin  am  better  off,  but  look  out  for  your- 
seffs,  one  ob  dese  days  some  body  mite  gib  one  ob  you  inder- 
pendent  fortun,  and  den  whar  will  you  be  ?  why,  I  know  whar 
you'll  be,  in  two  hours  arter  you  git  de  money :  down  on 
Coney  Island,  eatin  clam  soup,  if  in  de  summer  time,  and  if 
in  de  winter,  ob  course  you  go  to  de  seller  and  treat  all 
hands  to  a  shillin'  bowl.  But  I  hope  none  ob  you  will  be 
'flicted  wid  a  fortune,  kase  no  camel  kin  git  in  de  I  ob  a 
needle,  no  more  den  a  hog  kin  play  de  juce-harp. 

You  will  please  sing  de  useal  ducksholiday,  and  wamose 
as  soon  as  de  collecktion  am  counted,  and  not  afore,  kase  a 
good  deal  ob  counterfeit  bad  sixpences  and  pennies  hab  bin 
chiped  upon  me  ob  late,  and  I'm  down  on  sich  foolin. 


LECTURE    XIY. 


THE   FALL   OF   MAN. 


MY  BELUBED  HERERS  : 

You  hab  no  dout  herd  many  lexshures  on,  an  many 
preeeher  men  spoke  bout  de 


FALL  DOWN   OF   MAN. 


De  poet  hab  sung  elaborately  on  de  subjeck — de  painter 
hab  tutch  it  wid  de  laiery  strokes  ob.  de  pencil — de  most 
eminent  warriors  hab  wrote  upon  it — de  newspapers  hab 
talked  bout  it— an  it  hab  been  a  standin'  puzzler  to  all 


52  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

debatin'  societies  since  de  kommencement  ob  time.  But,  in 
my  humble  pinion,  not  one  ob  dem  hab  trown  de  least  lite 
on  de  subjeck :  an'  darefore,  arter  burning  sebril  quantities 
ob  midnite  camphene  in  de  research  arter  facs  in  de  kase,  I 
hab  concluded  to  splain  de  hole  matter,  so  as  to  set  de 
questshun  at  rest  for  eber  arter. 

You  must  not  spose  dat  de  poet  means,  wen  he  sez  "  de 
fall  ob  man,"  dat  de  man  Adam  fell  down  on  de  ground  by 
stubbin  he  toe  agin  a  stump,  or  a  stone  in  de  Garden  ob 
Eden,  or  dat  de  apple  he  eat  was  komposed  of  sumpting 
dat  operated  jm  de  nee  jints,  an  made  dem  so  weak  dat  he 
kudent  stand  !  for  dat  was  not  so. 

You  noe,  Adam  an  Ebe  was  made  ob  human  natur,  an 
placed  in  de  Garden  ob  Eden,  in  de  land  ob  paradise.  Dis 
garden  was  de  most  luxurious  spot  de  earth  eber  produced. 
Wen  dey  was  turned  loose  in  dis  pasture,  dey  war  told  dat 
all  dis  magnificent  place  war  dares  an  nobody  elses.  Dey 
war  shown  de  big  fig  tree,  war  dey  kood  retrete  from  de 
burning  rays  ob  de  sun  at  noon-day,  an  dey  was  shown  de 
elegant  bower  made  ob  grape  wines  and  honey-suckers, 
warein  dey  kood  lay  down  at  nite  an  sleep  in  peace  and 
blissful  innocence.  But  dey  war  also  told  dat  all  outside  de 
fence  belonged  to  de  owner  dereof,  an  dey  must  not  tuch 
ennything  beyond  it,  or  dey  would  rue  it  as  long  as  dey 
libed,  an  a  good  wile  arterwards. 

In  order  to  more  fully  splain  how  man  kum  to  fall,  I  will 
hab  to  diskribe  de  siterwashun  ob  de  garden  itself. 

You  see  dis  garden  was  on  de  top  ob  a  high,  steep,  big 
green  hill,  frequently  called  Mount  Zion.  Dis  hill  was  sur 
rounded  on  all  sides  by  a  deep  gully,  an  was  fenced  in  at  de 
brink  ob  dis  gully  by  a  slight  inklosure.  Well,  one  day 
Adam  and  Ebe  was  takin  a  walk,  an  lookin  ober  de  fence, 
dey  spied  a  moss  lubly  apple  tree  on  de  outside,  wid  apples 


THE    FALL    OF    MAN.  53 

growin'  on  it  dat  shone  in  de  sun  like  a  new  brass  button  in 
a  nigger's  mouf.  Wen  Ebe  see  dem  it  make  her  mouf  water, 
an  she  said  to  Adam,  "  My  lub,  jis  git  one  ob  dem  apples, 
for  me,  will  you  ?" 

,"  Shan't  do  it,"  said  Adam,  "  kase  dey  don't  belong 
to  us." 

Jis  at  dis  minnit  a  debil  ob  a  big  snake  stuk  he  hed  out 
ob  de  branches,  an  sed — 

"  Look  ahear,  Mr.  Adam,  you  must  be  green  to  say  dat, 
kase  dar  aint  noboddy  else  in  de  world  to  eat  dem  but  you 
and  Mrs.  Adam,  an  ob  korse  dey  am  yours." 

"Dat's  a  fack,"  said  Ebe,  "so  you  stop  your  nonsense, 
an  jus  git  up  on  de  fence  an  reach  me  one  ob  dem  apples  !" 

"  I  don't  like  to,"  said  Adam,  "  an,  besides,  I  don't  belebe 
I  kood  reach  dem,  dey  am  so  far  off." 

"  Well,"  said  Ebe,  "  if  you'm  no  more  ob  a  man  dan  dat, 
I'll  do  ilAaysef."  So  she  got  upon  de  fence,  and  de  snake 
gib  her  one  ob  de  apples,  an  she  in  turn  gib  it  to  Adam,  an 
coaxed  him  to  eat.  He  took  a  bite  an  found  it  so  mitey 
nice  dat  he  jumped  upon  de  fence,  an  den  dar  war  a  race 
between  him  an  Ebe  to  see  who  kood  git  de  most ;  an  in  de 
struggle  dey  boff  lost  dar  balance  by  reachin  too  fur,  an 
oberboard  dey  went  down  in  de  gully  ob  sin.  Dey  must 
hab  slid  on  der  backs,  kase  dey  am  kalled  de  fust  back 
sliders.  Dis,  my  frens,  was  de  "  Fall  ob  Man,"  luded  to, 
bekase  dey  was  de  fust  man  dat  fell  arter  de  kreashun  ;  an 
dey  woodent  hab  fell  if  dey  had  not  wanted  wat  dey  otn't 
to  git. 

Wat  a  lesson  dis  teeches  all  ob  us  who  am  discontented 
wid  our  lot,  and  am  grasping  for  tings  beyond  our  reach. 
Here  was  Adam  an  Ebe,  wid  all  paradise  afore  dem,  an 
still  dey  war  not  satisfied;  an  jis  so  it  am  wid  all  human 
natur. 


54  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

My  belubed  herers,  de  only  way  to  be  happy  am  to  be 
kontent  wid  doin  well.  Let  well  enough  alone,  an,  above 
all,  don't  envy  de  success  ob,  nor  injure  your  neighbor.  De 
world  am  big  enuff  for  eberybody,  an  plenty  in  it  for  all,  if 
we  only  tink  so.  Hopin'  you  may  profit  by  my  hints  on 
happiness,  I  will  bid  you  all  good  nite,  as  soon  as  de  kollec- 
shun's  taken  up. 

Mr.  Whisker  Ando  Wiggins,  de  barber-shop  man,  will  no 
doubt  honor  de  company  by  acceptin  de  intended  donashuns 
dis  ebenin. 


LECTURE  XV. 

FRENCH  WITHOUT  A  MASTER. 

MY  DEAR  IGNORANT  HEARERS  : 

DE  subjeck  for  'skushion  dis  ebenin  will  be  one  dat 
I  wish  tickler  tenltion  pade  to,  'kase  it  am  one  dat  must 
sooner  or  before  interest  you  mitey  much.  You  must  be  jis 
as  well  'qwainted  wid  de  fac  dat  de  French  langwage,  diem- 
leek,  or  tongue,  am  gettin  so  mity  common  here  'mong  de 
"  bong  tong"  dat  nobody  can  swasheate  in  dat  sphere  at  all 
widout  spoken  it  like  a  French  book.  When  a  waiter,  a 
chambermade,  or  servant  ob  eny  kind  are  wanted,  de  fust 
question  dey  ax  you  am,  "  Polly-woo- French-a  1" — kin  you 
spoke  French;  and  if  you  say  you  don't  know  what  dem 
dribin  at,  you  will  be  turned  out  doors,  as  de  most  lowest 


FRENCH    WITHOUT   A   MASTER.  55 

ob  de  wulgar.  De  French  am  inunclatiu'  dis  hole  nation  ! 
Go  war  you  will  you  see  de  little  round-eyed  mustachered 
Frenchmen,  who  am  courted  by  de  ladies  and  fondled  jis 
like  a  lap-dog.  In  fac  tings  am  b'comin'  so  berry  mush 
French  here,  dat  ef  I  don't  hab  my  sallary  raised  to  a  libin' 
pint  soon,  I'll  set  up  a  frog  soupery,  and  teach  de  langwage 
for  a  libin'. 

Takin'  dese  tings  into  'sideration,  I  tort  it  best  to  gib  you 
a  few  hints  on  de  diamlect  to-nite,  so  you  kiu  spoke  'nuff  to 
let  de  people  see  dat  yew  wasn'tvborn  in  de  woods.  If  yew 
all  git  out  your  note  books,  and  put  down  wat  I  say  in 
French,  to-morrow  mornin'  yeu  kin'  suffer  it  up,  and  git  it 
by  heart.  When  you  meet  a  lady  'fishently  edemcated  to 
spoke  French  (ab  coorse  you  needn't  trow  away  your  larnin' 
on  de  mail  sex),  you  will  undress  her  wid  "  Bone  saw  ?" 
Dat  means  good  ebenin.  Den  she  will  say,  "Come  o  wo  port 
wine,"  dat  means  how  do  you  do?  Den  you  say,  "Jinny 
fought  for  leans"  dats  "  I  am  pretty  well  marm."  Den  she 
will  ax  you  "  Kill  novda  av  a  leas  ?"  Dat  means  "  Wat's 
de  news?"  Den  you  say,  "Nous  verrons."  Dat  means 
Colonel  Webb's  got  home,  and  looks  "  distingeree."  Den 
when  you  turn  to  leabe,  you  trow  lubin  glances  at  her,  and 
bow  yourself  out,  observin',  "  ok  reservoy,"  dat  means  "  good 
bye."  Wid  dese  few  lessons,  I  tink  yew  kin  git  along,  and 
learn  French  widout  a  master.  "Trees  beans;  Allez  vous  h 
Dia.lle  Cochon  Kiskade  de  Sompray  •  E  Pluribus  Christy. 
Alle  wo  de  frog  chowder."  De  second  claws  ob  my  discorse 
will,  like  a  good  many  odder  man's  lecturs,  hab  notin  to  do 
wid  de  fust ;  but  in  dis  claws  I  'spectfully  beg  lebe  to  draw 
your  'tention  to  somfin  dat  cum  to  my  nollage  dis  day,  and. 
dat  am  de  fac  dat  Elder  Brockus  was  seen  late  lass  Sunday 
nite  a  slinging  heself  round  de  corner  ob  Antony  street 
wid  dat  yaller  widder  wat  stole  de  big  spoon  out  ob  de  sel- 


56  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

ler,  wat  dey  lable  up  de  clam  soup  wid.  I  didn't  noe  wat 
de  ole  darkey  wanted  wid  her,  at  sich  a  late  hour,  or  wat  be 
wanted  in  dat  uaborhood  a  tall ;  so  I  called  on  him  to-day 
at  de  boot  blackin'  'stablishment  in  Orange  street,  and  put 
it  to  him  strate.  He  say  he  was  argufying  de  case  wid  her 
bout  de  spoon,  and  she  say  dat  ant  Wan  Rumseller  put  a 
tin  sixpence  on  her,  todder  nite,  and  den  she  swore  she 
didn't,  and  den  dere  was  a  fite,  and  ole  Anty  Wan  Rumseller 
went  to  hit  her  ober  de  hed  wid  de  spoon,  and  she  grabbed 
it  out  ob  her  hand  and  kept  it. 

All  dis  may  be  facs,  but  I  warn  all  de  young  collored  men 
to  keep  away  from  de  yaller  widder.  She's  a  scorcher. 

Brudder  Dolfin  Smith  will  please  take  up  de  colleckshun, 
and  look  out  for  puter. 


LECTURE    XVI. 

* 

SPIRITUAL  RAPPERS. 

LADIES  AND  GEMMEN  : 

By  de  'tickler  inquest  ob  sebril  ladies  'tached  to  dis 
congregation  I  shall  dis  ebenin'  distort  my  remarks  for  your 
edication  on  de  "  ROCHESTER  NOCKERS,"  and  I  must  'spress 
my  great  sassagefaction  ob  seein'  so  many  ob  de  fair  sex 
present  on  dis  portant  'casion. 

De  Rochester  Nockers  hab  claimed  de  'tention  ob  de  pub 
lic  mind  for  a  year  or  two,  and  so  excited  de  nerves  ob  Pro- 


SPIRITUAL    RAPPERS.  5t 

fessor  Greeley,  dat  he  immediately  took  to  eatia'  beef-stake 
and  onions,  instead  ob  de  saw-dust  puddin'  ob  Mr.  Graham 
to  raise  his  spunk  'fishently  to  unwestigate  de  matter  in  a 
proper  manner,  in  all  its  ramifications.  De  fust  de  world 
ebber  node  ob  Rochester  Nockers  was  durin'  de  rain  ob 
King  Charles  de  Second  ob  England.  De  fust  Rochester 
Nocker  on  record  am  de  Earl  ob  Rochester,  who  is  sed  to 
nock  around  more  den  eny  udder  man  ob  his  time,  specely 
'mong  de  ladies.  Dis  geniman  was  none  to  gib  sebril  nocks 
on  de  head  ob  people  who  made  it  dere  bisnesi  to  attend  to 
his  instead  ob  dere  own.  Dey  say  he  was  one  ob  de  nockers 
when  he  got  in  a  muss  ;  he  could  always  fite  his  wait,  let 
kim  find  it  war  he  would.  De  next  notice  de  public  hab  ob 
Rochester  Nockers  was  in  de  village  bearin'  dat  name,  siti- 
wated  jis  back  ob  Albany,  war  de  House  ob  Kongress  sets, 
in  de  Kourt  ob  Sessions.  Here  a  party  ob  high  spirits  con 
gregated,  an'  nocked  tables  an'  chairs  about  in  de  most 
misterious  and  promisquis  manner,  at  a  dollar  a  head;  and 
de  fun  ob  it  am,  none  ob  dese  spirits  can  be  seen;  but  dey 
am  like  de  good  boys  my  grandfadder  used  to  tell  me  'bout, 
"  dey  am  heard  but  uot  seen."  Dis  fac  set  de  country  in  a 
blaze,  an'  sebril  preacher  mans  undertook  to  sleep  in  de 
house  war  de  "spirits"  was  a  cuttin'  up,  but  most  ob  dem 
got  enough  ob  it  afore  mornin',  and  came  to  breakfast  so 
agemtated,  dat  dey  could  not  tell  a  sassage  from  a  piece  ob 
eel,  and  dey  always  left,  forgitin'  to  pay  for  dere  logins; 
howeber,  as  dis  last  claws  is  frequently  noticed  'mong  de 
clergy,  it  may  not  be  'sidered  strange  in  dis  case. 

Dere  was  a  curious  case  ob  Nockin  'curred  in  a  cullered 
family  in  dat  city  one  night  lass  winter,  which  may  be  set 
down  as  bein'  done  by  bad  spirits.  De  facs  ob  de  case  am 
dese  : 

Old  Tone  Smock  married  a  putty,  likely  lookin'  molatto 
3* 


58  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

gal,  most  ten  years  his  junitoe,  and  went  and  dwelt  in  dis 
same  town  of  Rochester,  and  one  nite  ole  Tone  was  'gaged 
to  ait  up  and  watch  at  de  house,  war  de  nockers  was  a  gibin 
dere  exhimbishions,  and  it  so  happened  dat  he  got  frighten 
ed,  and  run  -home  in  de  middle  ob  de  nite  time,  and  swore 
he'd  neber  hab  notin'  to  do  wid  eny  spirit,  'septin'  dose  ob 
de  most  ardent  character.  When  he  reached  his  house,  he 
put  his  hand  true  de  broken  pane  ob  glass,  and  onbolted  de 
dore,  and  in  he  went  smack  dab,  as  de  Yankees  say,  into  his 
bed-room,  which  so  skared  his  wife  dat  she  hollar  fire.  In 
de  'fusion  he  tort  he  hear  somebody  slip  under  de  bed,  but 
he  was  so  frightened  wid  de  nockers,  dat  he  daesent  look 
for  fear  he  find  a  bad  spirit.  So  he  slipped  off  he  close,  and 
he  slipped  into  bed  and  covered  he  head  wid  de  bed  close, 
shakin'  like  de  reputation  ob  some  ob  de  Wall  street  brok 
ers.  Well,  he  hadn't  bin  in  bed  long,  and  his  wife  had  gis 
finished  sayin'  she  didn't  b'lieve  he  was  at  de  hunted  house 
a-tall,  but  had  bin  arter  de  gals,  when  he  felt  somefin'  push 
up  from  under  de  bed  dat  feel  jis  like  de  back  ob  camel,'  and 
at  de  same  time  he  heard  a  knock  on  de  floor,  jis  like  a  cul- 
lered  man's  heel,  and  a  noise  as  if  somebody  rush  towards 
de  doe,  and  as  he  raised  his  head  from  under  de  close  he 
seed  a  tall  darE  figar  slope  out  ob  de  house.  Dis  skared 
him  more  dan  eber,  and  he  nily  turned  white. 

"  Wat's  dat  ?"  he  gasped  to  Mrs  Smock. 

"  Wat  ?"  axed  she,  as  innocent  as  chile. 

"  Dat  big  ting,  jis  lebe  de  house." 

"  I  didn't  see  any  big  ting  ;  lay  down  ;  does  delish  nock 
ers  ober  dere  to  Foxes  set  you  crazy  ;  lay  down  ;  notin' 
bin  here." 

Well,  Tone  lay  down,  but  not  to  sleep.  He  kipt  his  top 
eye  open,  till  daylite,  when  to  his  surprise  and  wonder  he 
seed  a  man's  hat  settin  on  de  table.  He  sprang  to  de  table, 


A    NEW    RECIPE    FOR    MAKING    GAS.  59 

seized  de  hat,  and  spelt  out  de  name  of  Deacon  Smellgood, 
on  de  linein'. 

"  Wat  de  debil  brought  Deacon  Smellgood's  hat  here  ? 
Tell  me  quick,  or  I  smash  somebody,"  exclaimed  ole  Tone, 
mad  as  tunder. 

Mrs.  Smock  said  de  Deacon  left  it  dere  yesterday,  to  hab 
her  sow  de  linin  in  it,  and  dis  petrified  ole  Tone,  and  he  said 
no  more  ;  but  in  a  day  or  two  he  met  de  deacon,  and  widout 
hesemtation  nocked  him  down.  A  roglar  fite  come  off,  and 
Tone  was  found  to  be  one  ob  de  best  Rochester  Nockers  in 
de  hole  digging.  Dat's  all  I  nose  about  de  nockers.  I  don't 
want  to  sinemwate  notin  agin  de  character  ob  Mrs  Smock. 
I  don't  noe  notin  about  her.  I  don't  noe  whar  she  git  her 
shiney  earrings  and  brespins,  and  sich  tings  ;  dere's  no  noin' 
whar  dat  new  striped  silk  dress  come  from,  nudder  ;  but  I 
shan't  'lucidate  no  more  to-nite. 

Brudder  Blower  will  please  hand  round  de  sasser,  and 
remember  dat  we  neber  gib  change  back  on  no  condishun. 


LECTURE    XVII. 

A  NEW  RECIPE  FOR  MAKING  GAS. 

BELUBED  BREDEREN  AND  SISTERS  : 

De  argument  dis  ebenin'  are  one  ob  de  brightest  sub 
jects  dat  can  possibly  be  concebed  ;  an'  aldo  it  are  a  light 
one,  you  will  percebe  de  necessity  ob  fully  understandin'  it 
'mid  odder  more  waity  articles  ;  and  widout  furder  prelimi 
nary.  I  will  at  once  succeed  to  you  on  de  foolosofy  ob  de 


60  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

undertakin'.     De  subjeck,  den,  for  dis  ebenin'  will  be  on  de 
manufacture  and  consumption  of 

GAS. 

When  I  say  gass,  you  musn't  'spose  dat  I  mean  de  cam 
fene  gass  dat  am  sold  for  gin  in  de  tree  cent  grog  shops  ; 
nor  de  gass  used  by  de  editors  ob  de  daily  papers  wen  dey 
speak  ob  'nexin'  Kuba  an'  odder  inflated  planets ;  but  de 
gass  I  mean  am  ob  de  infernal  regins  wat  used  to  be  sitewated 
in  Center  street,  de  gass  house.  De  gass  dat  am  made  in 
de  gass  house  am  sent  trew  ebery  street  in  de  city  by  "  der 
machine,"  jis  like  de  hart  trows  de  blood  trow  ebery  wane 
ob  de  human  body,  only  not  half  so  pleasant  or  reglar.  Dey 
used  to  make  gass  wen  I  was  a  stugent  at  de  free  school, 
out  ob  tar  and  rosin  ;  and  den  de  gass  was  much  clearer 
dan  now-a-days,  as  it  burned  briter  and  cost  less  ;  but  now 
dey  got  makin'  it  wid  coal  and  oder  chemical  commodities, 
which  make  it  cost  more  dan  in  de  olden  time  ;  and  de 
Lord  nose  it  am  much  wurser  dan  it  war  den  ;  but  dat's 
notin,  as  long  as  it  comes  higher,  an'  am  fashionable,  de 
people  will  use  it. 

Dere  seems  to  be  a  mity  big  eel  ob  mistery  'bout  de  gass 
bisiness.  It  burns  by  de  feet,  an'  at  a  short  meter  rate  ; 
aldo  de  company  hab  a  'ticklar  meter  ob  dere  own,  which 
dey  lends  to  ebery  body  who  burns  de  gass,  an'  are  willin  to 
pay  a  high  rent  for  it.  You  will  not  find  dis  'ticklar  meter 
in  de  music  book  ;  but  it  am  generally  found  behind  de 
doe  or  de  counter  ob  de  storekeepers.  Dis  article  looks 
little  like  a  small  sheet  iron  stove,  an'  has  a  face  somefin'  like 
a  clock,  wid  a  long  hand  on  it.  Well,  ebery  month,  a  man 
wid  a  book  an'  pencil  in  him  hand  comes  round,  an'  arter 
lookin'  at  de  size  ob  de  shop,  and  calculatiu'  de  amount  ob 
bizness  done  by  de  owner,  he  bery  mysteriously  opens  de 


A    NEW    RECIPE    FOR   MAKING   GAS.  61 

"  'tickler  meter,"  an'  as  mysteriously  chalks  somefin  down  in 
he  book,  an'  lebes  de  store.  In  a  day  or  two  arter  dat  a 
bill  comes  in,  statin'  dat  de  company  will  walk  into  you  so 
many  feet.  If  you  'spostulate  wid  dem,  an'  say  you  neber 
burned  dat  amount  afore,  dey  will  tell  you  "  if  you  didn't  you 
ought  to,"  an'  dat  if  de  bill  am  not  lickerdated  at  once,  de 
gass  pipes  will  be  "  tuck  up  "  afore  nite.  Now  de  queshun 
am  dis — am  it  rite  dat  de  city  fadders — de  policemen,  should 
'low  dere  children  to  be  'posed  on  in  dis  triumfant  manner  ? 
I  answer  in  de  most  elefant  manner — no  !  no  !  !  But,  says 
some  ob  you,  who  keep  oyster  and  barber's  shops,  war's  de 
remedy  ?  Must  we  burn  spirit  gass  an'  ile  till  a  man  am 
'leckted  dat  will  'liten  de  city  on  dat  point  on  him  own 
hook  ?  Again,  your  'spected  lecturer  answers  elefantly — 
no  !  Wat  den  ?  Why  make  your  own  gas  I  am  now 
coming  to  de  most  skyantific  porshun  ob  my  discord,  an'  I 
wish  dat  Mister  William  Henry  Harrison  Peters,  an'  Miss 
Florinda  Jemima  Watts,  will  please  stop  gabblin'  till  I 
'splain  myself  to  de  utmost  capacity.  I  do  wish  people 
would  do  dere  coortin'  at  home. 

I  hab,  my  frens,  been  studyin'  de  art  ob  de  manufacture 
ob  gass,  to  show  you  how  easy  it  am  made.  I  been  reedin'  all 
de  gassy  writers  since  de  days  of  Josephus,  de  ole  closemam 
down  to  de  days  ob  Professor  Greeley,  an'  I  is  fully  'swaded 
dat  I  nose  all  'bout  it,  an',  derefore,  widout  bein'  gassy 
myseff,  I  will  'splain  how  ebery  body  can  make  dere  own 
gass  in  dere  own  house.  In  de  fuss  place,  you  must  get  a 
big  iron  pot,  an'  hab  a  kiber  dat  fit  it  'zactly,  den  you  put 
in  haff  peck  ob  tar,  four  quarts  ob  rossin,  an'  a  peck  ob 
antecrite  coal,  an'  den  put  on  de  kiber,  an'  hang  it  ober  a 
fier  ob  forty-two  degrees  north  latitude  below  zebra,  by 
ninety-four  de  odcr  way,  an'  bile  it  seben  hours  in  de  arter- 
noon  ;  and  den,  wen  it  get  to  ten  hundred  an'  thirty-nine 


62  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

below  the  equinoxial  line,  nock  a  hole  in  de  pot  kiber,  an' 
stick  in  your  gass  pipe  ;  den  run  to  de  winder,  turn  on  de 
gass,  an'  lite  it.  Dat's  de  triumph  ob  genius  ober  de  gas 
monopoly."  Wat's  dat  Pete  Williams  axes  ? 

"  'Spose  de  gass  won't  lite,  wat's  to  be  done- den  ?" 

Well,  if  de  gas  won't  lite,  dere  must  be  some  fault  in  de 
ingredency,  an'  not  in  de  manufacture,  no  how. 

Your  belubed  lecturer  hab  offen  been  axed  by  de  out 
siders,  wat  we  lite  our  lecture-room  wid,  an'  I  always  tell 
dem  dat  we  rely  on  de  bright  eyes  ob  de  lubly  fair  sex  to 
trow  a  hello  ob  lite  round  de  room  'fishent  for  ordinary 
purposes,  wid  de  aid  ob  a  few  candles. 

I  shall  take  up  de  colleckshun  myself  dis  week.  Brudder 
Beecher  was  'posed  on  last  week  wid  tin  sixpences. 


LECTURE   XVIII. 

GEOGRAPHY. 

SINSEAR  SINNERS  : 

Dis  ebenin'  I  'tend  to  spoke  to  you  on  a  moss  'port- 
ant  subjeck — one  dat  forms  one  ob  de  great  principals  ob 
'fined  eddication  an'  'lunor  siance,  an'  while  I  am  spoken 
I  hope  dat  Long  Island  Jake  an'  Miss  Florinda  Tompson 
will  stop  a  gigglin'  an'  laffin',  an'  dat  Bill  Ledderhed  will 
stop  crunchin'  pea-nuts,  I  will  now  kummence  sunimin' 
up  de  bewties  ob 

G'OGRAFY. 
Gografy,  my  frens,  meens  de  longertude,  lassertude,  an7 


GEOGRAPHY.  63 

sitewashun  ob  de  earth,  or  de  globe.  Dat  am,  it  tells  you 
'zackly  war  you  am,  wedder  in  de  tempereiice  zone,  or  de 
intevnperence  zone,  or  wedder  you  am  nie  de  equin-oxtail 
line,  or  in  de  hemesfear.  Derefore  you  kin  see  wid  your  eyes 
shut  de  great  tillutity  ob  bein'  posted  in  de  siance. 

It  will  allers  be  a  great  stingma  on  de  maccutcheon  ob 
fame  ob  dis  country  dat  it  war  fuss  diskiber'd  by  a  furiner. 
But,  my  innocent  lams,  sich  am  de  fac. 

In  de  year  9,  arter  de  flood,  a  Spanyard  by  de  name  ob 
Christopher  Columpus,  an'  anudder  named  Uriah  Westpusis, 
togedder  wid  E  Pluribus  Unurn,  charters  tree  fishin'  smacks, 
an'  started  smack  off  to  see,  an'  arter  sebral  lame  'tempts, 
landed  smack  at  Coney  I'land.  One  ob  de  botes  was  named 
de  Sunflower,  an'  de  odder  de  Plimin's  Rock.  Ole  Coluni- 
pus,  on  dat  'casion,  split  de  world  in  too,  kase  afore  dat  de 
world  war  roun'  an'  in  one  ;  but  eber  since  dar  nab  bin  too 
hemesfears.  He  kut  de  world  in  too  wid  de  broad  ax  ob 
siance,  and  healed  de  wound  wid  sibilization  (not  kuloni- 
zation).  When  he  'ribed  de  native  Ingins  was  a  habin' 
a  dance  on  de  beech,  prior,  prebious,  before  a  goin  in  to 
battle,  an'  when  dey  seed  de  botes  a  kumin'  dey  tort  it  war 
sum  ob  de  Jarsey  pirates  kumin  to  steel  clams,  an'  when 
one  ob  de  Ingins  axed  dem  whar  dey  kum  from,  an'  ole 
Chris,  sed  "  Spain,"  dey  war  mitey  riled,  'kase  den  dey 
war  sure  dey  kum  from  Jarsey,  an'  sum  ob  de  Ingines 
wanted  to  pitch  into  dem  an'  hab  a  fite  ;  but  Mr.  E 
Pluribus  Unum  stood  on  de  poop  deck,  an'  held  up  a  Jack 
Jumper,  an'  pulled  de  string  at  he  tail,  an'  make  him  jump. 
De  Ingins  seed  dis,  an'  held  up  a  big  clam  opened,  which 
ment  dat  dey  war  open  for  a  trade  wid  de  furiners. 

Well,  den  de  hole  krew  landed,  an'  dey  hab  a  jolly  time. 
Dey  at  once  made  a  fire  on  de  beech,  put  on  de  pot,  an' 
made. a  clam  chowder,  an'  when  it  was  done  dey  made  sum 


64  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

whiskey  punch,  and  gib  it  to  de  logins,  an'  got  em  all  drunk ; 
den  dey  crack  up  a  trade  wid  dem  'bout  dis  i'land^  war  dis 
little  York  now  stan's,  inkludin'  Long  I'land,  Staten  I'land, 
Coney  I'land,  an'  Williamsbug.  De  Ingins  sold  de  hole  ob 
it  to  Columpus  for  a  mere  song,  but  what  song  it  war  history 
don't  say;  but  I  'speck  it  war  "  Yankee  Doodle."  Columpus 
also,  likewise,  darfore,  gub  dem  a  Jack  Jumper,  a  quart  ob  whis 
key,  haff  a  duzen  brass  watch  chains,  an'  haff  a  peck  ob  finger 
rings,  ear-rings,  nose-rings,  an'  Jewsharps  ;  dat  was  afore 
de  'Talion  Opera  was  'stablished  har,  an'  de  natives  didn't 
noe  much  'bout  music.  Well,  den  de  Spanyards  git  a  map 
ob  de  hole  country  ob  lan's,  an'  git  it  sined  by  de  cheef  Ko- 
kum-ke-ku-kah,  an'  witnessed  by  Joe-jum-je-juce-ja,  his  luff- 
tenant,  an'  Uriah  Westpusis,  an'  E  Pluribus  Unum,  an'  den 
he  filled  he  botes  full  ob  clams,  an'  set  sale  for  home.  When 
he  'ribed  dar,  de  king  took  he  papers  away  from  him,  swin 
dled  him  out  ob  de  Ian',  and  den  went  to  work  an'  eat 
all  he  clams  up.  You  hab  no  dowt  hurd  a  good  deel  afore 
'bout  Chris's  hard  useage  arter  he  got  home,  but  you  neber 
node  de  'ticklers  till  now.  When  Cris  foun'  he  clams  war 
all  gone,  he  trode  heseff  away  on  bad  segars,  an'  worse 
toddies,  an'  he  died  broken  hearted  sumwhar  'bout  de  year 
1494,  or  'bout  de  sixty  ob  Bagdad,  I  forget  now  which:  but 
it  war  sumwars  dar  or  darabouts. 

Will  Brudder  Julius  J.  Onson  please  to  pass  roun'  de 
sasser. 


LONG    EARS.  65 


LECTURE   XIX. 

LONG  EARS. 

DELUDED  FOLLOWERS  : 

DE  lub  ob  siance  cums  back  to  de  mind  ob  your  sus 
pected  speaker  in  all  its  glory,  like  de  inosent  hen  to  her 
roost,  an'  darfor  I  shall  'splain  to  you  on  dis  'portant 
'casion  de  'culiar  history  ob  de  insex,  none  in  pictur  book  by 
de  name  ob  de 

RABBET. 

De  rabbet,  my  fren's,  ob  ebery  nation  differ  de  one  from 
de  todder,  'kordin'  to  klimate  an'  nateral  history.  In  Eng 
land  dey  am  kall'd  de  hair,  an'  am  almoss  de  same  as  de 
native  'Merican.  De  Inglish  an'  de  'Merican  rabbit  am  dif 
ferent  from  de  Welch  rabbit.  De  one  am  flesh  an'  blood, 
an'  de  odder  am  toste  an  cheese,  an'  like  an  oyster,  dey  all 
good,  ef  properly  kooked. 

Firstly,  Dar  am  sebril  kines  ob  rabbits  in  dis  country, 
'mong  de  different  speshes  ob  which  we  find  de  buck,  de  he- 
male,  de  shemale,  de  ole,  de  young,  de  wite,  an'  de  brown 
rabbet,  all  ob  wich  am  fleet  ob  foot  an'  quick  on  de  heel, 
'specially  ef  dey  see  a  dog  full  tilt  arter  dem. 

Secondly,  Some  ddfrkies  s'pose  dat  kase  de  rabbet  hab  got 
big,  long  ears,  dat  he  am  de  jackasses  baby  ;  but  sich,  I  is 
happy  to  say,  am  not  de  fac.  A  look  at  de  size  ob  dar  nar 
ratives  wood  at  once  sassagefry  de  most  spectickle  on  dat 
pint,  kase  Jack  hab  a  long  lankey  narrative,  wile  de  rabbet's 
am  short  an'  stumpy,  wich  he  sartinly  wears  more  for  orna 
ment  den  use. 


66  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Thirdly,  De  rabbet  am  not  a  kute  bird,  kase  when  he 
see  de  hunter  near  arter  him,  he  will  run  au'  tick  he  bed  in 
a  stone  fence,  an'  lebe  all  he  body  'sposed  to  de  clementcy 
ob  de  wedder  an'  mankine.  He  am  foolish  'nuff  to  s'pose 
dat  when  he  hed  am  'skured  he  hole  body  am  safe.  Bat 
de  hunter  cum  'long  an'  see  de  stump  narative  a  stiekin'  out, 
an'  he  kotches  him  jis  as  slick  as  I  katch  dat  bad  Jim  Jonson 
puttin'  dat  puter  qua'ter  in  de  sasser  lass  week. 

Fourthly,  De  darkies  like  to  kotch  dese  fellers  an'  make 
cat  soup  ob  dem,  an'  dey  set  all  kines  ob  snares  an'  traps 
for  dem,  jis  like  de  fair  sex  offen  sets  for  your  suspected 
speeker  ;  but  I's  de  more  kute  an'  kunnin'  den  de  rabbet, 
kase  I  aint  to  be  kotched  dat  way. 

I  hear  a  good  nanagote  once  'bout  a  ole  darkey  an'  de 
rabbet,  an'  aldo  you  mought  hab  hurd  it  afore,  I  will  tell  it 
agin,  in  pint  ob  illustrashun.  It  'pear  from  de  records,  dat 
ole  Jersey  Simon  set  a  trap  an'  kotched  a  rabbet,  wich 
tickled  him  almoss  to  deff.  It  was  a  fine,  fat  buck,  as  wild 
and  sassey  as  he  cood  'tick.  "  Oh  1"  said  Simon,  "  you'm  a 
good  fat  feller,  an'  I'll  hab  you  stuff 'd,  an'  make  a  roast  pig 
ob  you,  sure.  No,  I  won't  nedder  ;  I  gess  I  fry  you  like  de 
sassengers,  bein'  as  de  fat  in  you  will  fry  you.  Xow  I  cum 
to  tink  'bout  it,  as  you  am  so  mity  fat,  I  tink  you  go  best 
bril'd." 

All  de  wile  Simon  was  'dressin'  dis  interestin'  talk  to  de 
rabbet,  he  was  a  smoobin'  him  down  an'  feelin'  him  all  ober, 
an'  he  grin  like  monkey  wid  a  hot  chesnut,  an'  in  de  hite  ob 
his  delite  he  undertake  to  toe  an'  heel  a  little  bit,  an'  de 
rabbet  make  a  spring  an'  run  away.  Simon  look  arter  him 
wid  he  lower  lip  almoss  on  he  bress,  an'  when  he  see  he  was 
clear  gone  for  sartiu,  he  sing  out  to  him,  "Well,  clar  out;  I 
don't  kar  ;  you  warn't  so  almity  fat,  arter  all,  an'  jis  like  as 
not  you  ole  an'  tuff." 


LONG    EARS.  67 

Fifthly,  Ef  all  mankine  war  to  look  on  missfortune  as  dat 
poor  ole  darkey  did,  de  lunatick  assilum  wood  hab  to  shut 
up  shop  an'  luff  de  keepers  take  a  holiday. 

Sixthly,  De  rabbet's  nose  am  made  ob  sumfin  like  ingin- 
ribber,  for  it  keep  a  norin  all  de  time,  as  ef  he  smelt  sumfin 
bad.  I  hab  seen  men  an'  wimmin  keep  dar  nose  turned  up 
all  de  time,  as  ef  de  tings  on  dis  earth  warn't  good  'nuff  for 
7em,  but  dey'll  fine  tings  'nuff  in  de  nex  world  dat  will  turn 
up  dar  nose  like  a  corkskrew. 

Seventhly,  De  rabbets  use  dar  noses  for  burrowin'  in  de 
groun',  war  dey  bild  dar  houses  six  stores  deep,  an'  I  under- 
stan'  from  noein'  ones  dat  ober  twenty  tousand  ob  dem  was 
'gaged  by  de  abolishonest,  when  de  undergroun'  railrode  was 
bilt,  on  wich  dey  run  de  runaway  darkies  from  de  Souff  to 
Kanada. 

Eighthly,  I  shood  like  to  noe  wat's  de  reeson  I  war  not 
Vited  to  deliber  one  ob  de  peepil's  lecturs  at  de  Tubernickel, 
'long  wid  de  rest  ob  de  professors. 

Brudder  Grreeley  an'  Brudder  Beecher  hab  boff  lectur'd, 
an'  dey  neber  ax'd  me  a  tall ;  an'  har  I  hab  been  lecturin' 
to  de  peeple  for  de  lass  year  an'  a  haff,  an'  I'll  bet  a  hunderd 
clams  dat  I  spoke  to  fifty  times  as  menny  folks  as  edder  one 
ob  dem.  I  tink  de  slite  an'  consult  offer'd  to  your  shepperd 
shood  be  'sented  by  my  congregashun,  an'  call  Greeley  an' 
Beecher  to  account.  Dey  got  a  shillin'  a  hed  from  all  dat 
cum  into  de  show,  an'  har  I  hab  to  'pend  on  tin  shillin's  an' 
bad  pennies  for  support.  An'  den  jis  look  at  de  nonsense 
.an'  stuff  dey  git  ober  for  a  shillin  a  hed,  an'  look  at  de 
siance,  larnin',  resarch,  an'  solid  chunks  ob  wisdom  displayed 
in  my  diskorses  for  tree  sents.  It  must  be  looked  into,  as 
Anty  Clawson  sed  'bout  de  bad  clam. 

Will  Simon  Augustus  Arlington  Batts  please  to  tuck  in 
he  ruffle  shirt,  an'  pass  roun'  de  sasser  ? 


BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XX. 
MATRIMONY. 

B'LUBED  SISTERS  AN'  BRUDDERS  : 

As  dis  am  walentine  time  ob  de  seeson,  I  tink  it  will 
be  a  good  'pertunity  to  kompli  wid  an  inquest  made  to  me 
'bout  two  weeks'  ago  by  a  influenzical  sister  to  lectur  on  de 
'portant  subjick  ob 

MATRIMONEY. 

An'  darfore  I  shall  distress  yon  on  dat  pint  dis  ebenin'. 

De  State  ob  Matrimoney  am  konsidered  by  sum  de  happi 
est  State  in  de  Union,  an'  by  odders  it  am  tort  de  wisee 
wersey.  Siety  seems  diwided  on  de  pint,  an'  dose  dat  hab 
libed  in  de  State  de  longest  am  down  on  it,  as  well  as  Jar- 
sey.  What  am  one  man's  meat  am  anudder  man's  pizin,  so 
sez  de  Declarashun  ob  Independence,  an'  so  we  fin'  all  tru 
life.  De  man-age  tie  am  a  berry  fashunable  tie ;  so  am  de 
De  Orsay's  tie,  whi«h  tie  de  bucks  tie  in  dar  neckhankerchers 
till  dey  am  tired.  De  latter  lass  oney  a  day,  but  de  former 
got  you  roun'  de  neck  for  all  time,  till  de  day  ob  kingdum 
kum.  I  don't  noe  dat  I  kin  'splain  de  little  inns  an'  outs, 
odds  an'  ends,  ups  an'  downs,  an'  crosses  ob  matrimoney, 
kase,  like  de  ole  maids,  I  neber  enjoyed  de  foolisity  ob  de 
State;  but  I  will  relate  a  little  suckemstance  which  'curred 
years  ago,  illustratud  ob  de  life  ob  de  inarrid  man,  which 
you  all  kan  re-lie  on  much  as  you  pleese. 

Dar  used  to  be  a  old  kullerd  man,  named  Dobson,  in  dis 
willage,  who  used  to  foller  de  doctorin'  traid.  He  was  mud 


MATRIMONY.  69 

siantifick  'mong  de  sisters  speshely,  an'  brudders  perticklerly. 
He  used  to  make  a  kine  ob  klam  soup  oat  ob  de  gumumphy 
root,  hang  dangling  berries,  alexcompain,  kanke  larger,  land 
turkle  and  blue  ruin,  wid  which  he  kured  eberybody  ob 
eberyting,  darfor  he  was  kalled  Dr.  Dobson. 

Well,  de  doctor  used  to  kum  to  de  seller  to  see  Anty 
Clawson,  an'  'scuss  siance  wid  me,  an'  drink  root  beer,  an' 
eat  penny  pies  an'  clam  soup.  Darfore,  he  cum  'quainted 
wid  me.  Well,  to  cut  a  long  tail  short,  as  de  man  sed, 
when  he  curtailed  a  dog,  de  doctor  cum  dar  one  nite  all 
dressed  up,  like  fourth  ob  July,  an'  ax  me  how  I  like  to 
marry  a  cuppel  dat  ebenin'.  I  told  him  "putty  well,"  any- 
ting  for  a  'onest  libin',  an'  axed  him  who  de  peepil  war  ? 
He  sed  he  was  de  subjick,  and  de  lady  was  out  on  de  corner, 
trimblin'  like  a  stuck  pig.  I  told  him  to  go  foch  her  in,  an' 
off  he  went.  In  'bout  haff  a  nour  back  he  cum  wid  a  yaller 
lady  'bout  haff  he  size,  who  blushed  as  much  as  sarcum- 
stances  wood  admit,  an'  I  stood  dem  one  on  one  side  ob  de 
.stobe,  an'  de  odder  on  de  odder ;  an'  I  axed  dem  ef  dey  war 
willin'  to  yoke  togedder  for  life,  an'  also  likewise,  ef  dey 
ebber  had  bin  marred  afore.  De  lady  sed  she  had,  but  it 
war  so  long  ago  dat  she  forgot  all  'bout  it.  I  ax  her  whar 
her  husband  was,  an'  she  sed  he  had  gone  ded  five  years 
prebious  afore. 

"  What  he  die  wid  ?"  I  axed. 

"De  hospitel,  sar,"  she  sed. 

"  You  meen  he  died  in  de  hospital ;  but  what  was  de 
matter  wid  his  complaint  ?  What  killed  him  ?" 

"  Oh  !  de  skarlet  shingles,  I  b'liebe,"  sed  she.  "  Dey  gib 
him  doctorum  stuff,  an'  he  swell  up  and  died." 

"Was  he  under  de  homeeinpackets,  de  allempackets,  de 
kold  water  doctor,  or  was  he  kured  wid  de  root  an'  yarbs  ?" 
axed  Doctor  Dobson,  tryin'  to  fine  out  de  siance  ob  de  kase. 


70  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  Oh  !"  sed  she,  "  he  wasn't  under  none  ob  dem  fellers  ; 
he  war  under  de  hospital  1" 

I  tort  dat  nuff,  an'  so  I  marred  dem.  As  soon  as  de 
sirahmoney  was  ober,  de  bride  rushed  out  ob  de  dore  like  a 
young  deer,  an'  luff  de  bridegroom  to  foller  arter  alone.  De 
doctor  laffed  conclusively,  an'  observed  dat  de  husban'  shood 
allers  luff  de  bride  hab  her  own  way  de  fuss  day,  an'  den  he 
gub  me  a  haff  a  dollar,  an'  sed  dat  war  all  he  kood  do  for. 
me  dat  nite;  but  as  dey  war  gwane  to  take  a  weddin'  tower 
to  Coney  I'land,  I  mou't  'speck  a  bushel  ob  clams  by  de 
steem  bote. 

Well,  'way  he  went,  an'  I  nebber  har  noffin  ob  him,  nor 
de  clams  too,  till  'bout  a  munth  arter  dat  I  war  a  settin'  in 
my  sankto  skunktoram  in  de  seller,  when  in  rushed  Doctor 
Dobson  wid  he  eyes  big  as  sassers,  an'  he  hare  standin'  like 
de  syrup  ob  squills  on  de  friteful  porkempine,  an'  almoss 
breffless  he  sed, 

"  Perfesor,  I  cum  for  de  deworse.  I  want  de  deworse. 
Mary  Ann  am  orful  wench.  She  run  'way  wid  a  he  niggejt 
from  Long  I'land,  an'  I  want  de  deworse.  She  troud  de 
straw  bed  on  de  fire,  an'  set  de  house  in  a  lite  consume. 
She  stole  too  haff  dollers  from  me,  an'  clar  out,  an'  I  want 
de  deworse,  an'  dis  nite  too,  else  I  hurt  sumbody  orful. 

I  told  him  dar  was  oney  one  way  I  kood  deworse 
dem,  an'  dat  war  by  tyin'  a  rope  roun'  boff  ob  dar  necks, 
tie  de  odder  end  to  a  beam  in  de  seller,  an'  luff  em  jump  off 
ob  chares  togedder.  De  doctor  look  radder  blue  at  my 
way  ob  deworsin'  peepil,  but  in  a  lam-like  woise  sed  he  war 
"  Reddy  for  de  excurshun." 

Now,  my  stingy  hearers,  you* see  what  a  muss  Doctor 
Dobson  got  into  by  marryin'  wid  a  yaller  woman.  Dar- 
for  I  spoke  unto  you  sayin',  bewar  de  sexes.  I  don't  want 
de  sistren  to  s'pose  dat  I'm  down  on  de  marryin'  arrange- 


MATRIMONY.  7 1 

raent  altogedder,  'kase  I  aint,  an'  ef  I  war  a  Mormonite,  I'd 
hab  a  haff  duzen  wifes  in  winter  time,  ef  cole  an'  wittles  was 
cheep  'nuff  to  'ford  it.  I  feel  more  'clined  to  matrimoney 
sense  I  git  so  menny  buiful  walentines  lass  week.  I  shall 
rede  sum  ob  dem  to  you  nex  time. 

I  recebe  a  hansum  bresspin  present  from  Sister  Matilda 
Morelippe,  an'  shall  war  it  on  dat  portant  'casion  'luded  to 
in  her  spontanious  letter,  ef  I  get  de  inwatashun: 

We'll  klose  de  proseedin's  by  singin'  de  useal  ducksholi- 
day.  Brudder  Skreemer  will  pleese  set  on  de  tune,  Sister 
Lutts  will  lead  de  terror,  an'  Unkle  Jake  will  cum  in  wid  he 
barrentone  woise,  an'  my  singin'  will  be  base.  Ef  Miss  Flumix 
will  sing  de  alltoe  on  dis  'caision,  she  will  do  herseff 
honor.  Afore  de  singin',  Theophilous  Atrolphus  Leviticus 
Bux  will  pleese  han'  roun'  de  sasser. 


72  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE   XXI.  . 

TRUTH  IN  POETRY. 

DELUDED  SISTERS  AND  BRUDDERS  : 

I  PROMISED  in  my  lass  lunch  ob  larnin'  to  reed  to  you 
wot  walentines  I  recebed  from  de  sistren,  an'  darfor  I  dozes 
de  same. 

You,  ob  korse,  all  noe  zackly  wat  de  Wolentine's  day 
meens.  Ef  not,  I  will  tell  you  dat  it  meens  courtin'  times. 
We  find  in  de  fuss  edishun  ob  de  book  ob  Tradishun  dat  on 
de  14th  ob  Febyouairy  de  birds  all  mate  an'  git  marrid, 
Adam  an'  Ebe  fashun.  De  ole  crow,  bein'  allers  dressed  in 
black,  is  ginerly  de  ofisheatin  parson  at  dese  muptializa- 
shuns  ;  but  wat  fees  he  get  am  not  stated.  Poetry  war 
inwented  on  de  fuss  Wolentine's  Day,  an'  de  fuss  feeble 
effort  ob  de  poet  am  recorded  dus — 

"  In  wintry  wedder, 
Birds  ob  a'fedder 
Will  flock  togedder," 

Dis  war  too  much  for  de  poor  poet ;  he  tuck  to  drinkin' 
sweeten'd  milk,  in  order  to  cummit  susanside,  but,  on  de 
contrary,  got  fits. 

But  I  is  off  my  tex.  I  sed  I'd  reed  all  de  Walentines  dis 
ebenin'  dat  war  sent  me  ;  but  I  fine  sum  ob  dem  'tirely  too 
rich  for  loud  reedin',  an'  sum  agin  poor  'nuff  to  go  to  de  poor 
house.  One  sister  rites  dat  she  don't  care  for  de  lecturs, 


TRUTH    IX    POETRY.  73 

but  she  am  in  lub  wid  de  speeker,  an'  she  don't  car  who  nose 
it.  Her  'pistol  goes  off  wid  dese  lines — 

"  De  raze  ob  lite  dat  flize 
From  your  'lectric  ize, 
Spangles  lik  de  shiuin'  sun, 
Ef  dey  don't,  why,  I'm  don." 

I  pity  de  poor  woman,  but  I'ze  too  old  a  rooster  to  be 
caught  dat  way.  Anudder  sister  rites  a  few  lines  reflectin' 
sewerely  on  my  complexshun.  She  sez — 

"  De  rose  am  red, 

De  wilet's  blew, 
De  debil's  black, 
An'  so  am  you." 

She  better  look  to  home.  I  don't  b'lebe  dar  am  eny  kos- 
metic  or  emetic  yet  diskuber'd  dat  will  change  her  skin  or 
karacter.  De  Wolentine  dat  sum  sister  sent,  commencin' 
wid — 

"  Hail,  Kalumpus,  happy  lam, 
Hail,  you  hearers,  seven  horn'd  ban." 

am  not  'riginal.  I  tink  I  got  a  faint  recollexshun  ob  hearin' 
dem  at  sum  free  an'  easy,  or  sumwhar  else.  One  ob  de 
Wolentines  I  resebe  was  from  my  washerwoman,  statin'  dat 
I  owe  her  for  washin  tree  shirts.  Now  I  neber  had  tree 
shirts  at  once,  an'  I  tink  de  ole  woman  want  to  cheat  a  h'ttle. 
Dat  she  hab  washed  dis  shirt  tree  times  am  a  fac,  but  I  aint 
guane  to  pay  for  washin'  tree  shirts,  when  I  didn't  hab  'em  to 
wash  no  how.  I  myseff,  indewidually,  don't  rite  no  lub  stuff  to 
de  ladees.  I  work  to  'lighten  de  minds  an'  de  pockets  ob  de 
peeple,  an'  I  tink  it  will  be  succeeded  to  me  from  all  quar 
ters  dat  I  lighten  de  one  as  much  as  de  odder. 

4 


74  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

I  hab  rote  a  song  for  de  peeple,  which  dey  may  send  to 
John  Bull,  ef  dey  choose,  as  a  Wolentine  dun  up  in  turpen 
tine  or  an  enwelop,  I  don't  kar  which.  Brudder  Greeley 
hab  bin  a  lecturin'  on  de  World's  Fair,  an'  darfor  I  like  to 
hab  sumfin'  to  say  'bout  dat  myseff,  an'  har  it  am — 

SONG  FOR  DE  PEEPIL. 
No.  1. 

DE  WORLD'S  FAIR. 
Air — "  Han'  de  banjo  down  to  play." 

Prince  Albert  bilt  a  house  ob  glass, 

An'  sent  de  inwertashun 
To  all  merchanics,  young  an'  ole, 

Ob  ebery  kind  an'  nashun, 
To  fetch  dar  new  machinery, 

An'  spred  it  in  a  row, 
Wid  de  fancy  cakes  an'  furbaloes, 
To  make  a  mitey  show. 

Chorus— Den  hurra!  for  Albert's  mitey  show 

It  'couraged  inginuity, 
An'  made  de  workin'  man  to  noe 
He's  de  salt  ob  dis  community. 

Den  France,  an'  Spain,  an'  Itterley, 

Afric,  Turkey,  an'  Japan, 
All  sent  in  dar  commodities, 

An'  tort  dey'd  leed  de  wan. 
John  Bull,  he  feel  so  mitey  proud, 

An'  chuckled  in  he  heart, 
When  he  se'd  de  Yankees  didn't  fill 

De  quarter  ob  dar  part. 

Chorus — Den  hurra !  for  Albert's  mitey  show,  &c. 

But,  Jonathan,  he  sat  an'  grin, 

An'  tuck  John  by  surprise, 
To  see  dat  more  dan  haff  he  brot 

Had  won  de,  biggest  prize. 


TRUTH    IN    POETRY.  75 

Our  churns  now  make  dar  butter, 

Our  macheens  cut  all  dar  grain  ; 
We  husk  dar  corn,  we  trash  dar  wheat, 

An'  beat  dem  on  de  main. 

Chorus — Den  hurra !  for  Albert's  mitey  show,  &o. 

When  John  Bull  seen  us  take  de  prize, 

He  sed,  "  Sich  tings  as  dese 
Am  bery  easy  to  inwent, 

But  still  we  rule  de  sees." 
Den  Jonathan  he  snickered  out, 

An'  spoke  to  John  aside, 
Sed  he,  "  I  got  a  skow  out  here, 

S'pose  we  take  a  ride  ?" 

Chorus — Den  hurra !  for  Albert's  mitey  show,  &c. 

Cow  Bay  war  full  ob  all  de  botes 

Ob  all  de  clubs  in  town, 
An'  dar,  wid  flag  an'  sail  unfurled, 

Lay  de  'Herica  ob  renown. 
Dey  started  wid  a  libely  breeze, 

Away  dey  all  did  fly  : 
But  none  ob  dem  dar  cood  perwent 

Our  Jonathan  passing  by. 

Chorus — Den  hurra !  for  Albert's  mitey  show,  Ac. 

Massa  Cunard  bilt  de  steamship 

To  cross  de  ragin'  deep, 
An'  when  she  went  in  thirteen  days, 

She  'nocked  us  in  a  heep. 
But  Collins  bilt  anudder  bote, 

Dat  cross  de  pond  in  nine, 
An'  John  Bull  wonders  how  it  am 

De  Yankees  beet  his  time. 

Chorus — Den  hurra !  for  Albert's  mitey  show,  &c. 

Dat's  wot  I  call  truff  an'  poetry  combined  ;  a  good  deel 
ob  de  one,  an'  moss  all  ob  de  odder.     One  ob  de  brudderin  in 


76  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

New  Orleans  hab  written  a  long  letter  to  me  'bout  "  cat 
fish,"  an'  "  Simon  Bines,"  which  shall  be  duly  laid  under  de 
table  an'  considered,  as  dey  say  in  company  meetin's. 

Anudder  sister  wants  to  noe  ef  de  Doctor  Dobson  spoked 
ob  lass  week  war  de  Dobson  dat  lib  in  de  one  story  house 
ob  a  yaller  woman  in  Williamsburg.  I  don't  tink  it  am, 
kase  de  doctor  died  afore  dat  town  cood  boste  ob  eben  a  gin 
shop. 

De  duty  ob  handin  roun'  de  sasser  will  dissolbe  on  Brudder 
Sam  Morelippe,  brudder  to  Sister  Matilda  Morelippe. 


LECTURE   XXII. 

ANATOMY. 

HARDENED  SINNERS  : 

To  noe  dyself  am  one  ob  de  fust  and  most  'portant 
laws  ob  de  State  ob  'Merica,  derefore  I  shall  dis  ebenin 
lucidate  on  de  poplar  subjick  ob 

A-NATOMY. 

Anatomy,  my  poor  ignorant  frens,  am  de  bones,  muzzles, 
warns  and  sinners  ob  de  human  body  ;  and  eberybody  am 
human  body,  colored  man  an  Injin  'eluded. 

I  shall  commence  at  de  head  ob  de  subjeck,  and  ascend- 
ingly  go  down  to  de  foots,  and  splain  tings  as  I  go  'long. 
Fustly,  den,  I  'tack  de  brane,  which  lay  on  top  ob  de  coco- 
nun  in  a  pan  furnished  for  de  purpose,  called  de  brane  pan. 


ANATOMY.  7t 

Dis  lays  alongside  ob  an  odder  pan  called  de  tinpanum  ob 
de  ear,  which  am  so  called,  from  de  fac  dat  it  enables  us  to 
hear  different  kinds  ob  sonnds  ;  dere  am  nudder  pan  in  de 
human  body,  and  dat's  de  neepan,  and  when  all  dese  pans 
am  shut  de  hliman  body  am  ready  to  go  off,  specaly  if  de 
human  body  hab  got  a  load  on.  We  next  come  to  de  troat, 
which  am  made  ob  somefin  like  gutta  percha,  called  lumfatix 
glands,  which  terminates  at  de  borax,  and  runs  into  de 
juglers  wane.  Some  feller's  troat  am  bigger  den  odder 
fellers,  and  dey  drink  more  bad  rum  and  eat  more,  which 
catastrofy  am  all  owein  to  de  size  ob  de  swaller. 

De  hart  am  de  next. 

Dere  am  two  parts  ob  de  hart,  and  it  works  in  de  human 
body  jis  like  steam  injine.  It  forces  de  blood  to  ebery  part 
ob  de  ramification,  eben  to  de  hair,  and  dat  am  wat  makes 
so  many  red  heads.  It  lays  rite  under  de  lungs,  whar  de 
peeples  hab  de  culenary  consumshun  ;  rite  below  dese  am 
sitewated  de  diagram,  which  am  full  ob  holes,  jis  like  a  sibe. 
Dis  ting  am  what  keeps  de  stomack  in  its  proper  function, 
and  allows  de  gastrick  jewses  to  oberflow  de  jubebus  and 
fall  into  de  pizaringtum,  all  ober  de  oilfactory  nerbes,  and 
sometimes  deranges  de  whole  apparatus,  and  de  human 
body  git  sick,  send  for  de  doctor  man,  and  funeral  expenses 
hab  to  be  paid  by  de  poor-house. 

Dere  must  be  a  biler  in  de  human  body  somewar,  kase  I 
hear  de  doctors  talk  so  much  'bout  complaints  bein'  owin'  to 
de  bile,  and  I'll  find  it  out  if  I  hab  to  go  to  de  Anatomical 
Museum  to  do  it.  De  longest  bone  in  de  hole  structure  am 
called  de  spine  ;  dis  runs  horozontaly,  dogmaticaly,  and 
catolically  long  de  back  bone,  as  far  up  as  de  back-ob-de- 
neck-a-buss.  Dis  bone  am  full  ob  little  jintes,  and  am  de 
tenderest  bone  to  fool  wid,  'septin'  de  shin  bone,  in  de  whole 
sistem. 


78  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

De  action  ob  de  food  will,  in  all  probabiliemity,  be  mitey 
mterestin'  to  you  all  ;  derefor  I  will  close  my  discord  by 
gibin'  you  a  'scription  ob  de  same.  You  see  sister  Mussy 
eatin'  dat  apple  dar,  and  trowin'  de  skins  on  de  floor. 
Well,  dat  apple  pass  fust  true  de  lumf-at-ox  glans'  ob  de 
troat,  down  de  borax,  to  de  diagram,  into  de  stomjack  ; 
dere  it  am  diegested  into  de  gastrick  juce,  and  passes  into 
de  jubams,  tro'  de  anamal  canal  and  kiuga  akeduck,  into 
de  pizaringtum,  and  is  dere  lost  among  de  infernal  regions 
ob  de  corporation.  Ah,  my  poor  -darkened  hearers,  dis  am 
a  subjeck  dat  few  understand  ;  and  I  would  hab  been  jis 
at  stoopid  as  you  all  if  I  loafed  round  de  warfs,  and  suck 
'lasses  from  de  barrels,  like  as  I  seed  Pete  Bolus  adoin'  lass 
week.  Dis  runnin'  round  de  warf  arter  de  sweets  ob  life 
will  neber  fill  de  head  wid  useless  knowledge  1 

Brudder  Bromfoozle  will  please  hand  round  de  sasser  ;  I 
didn't  git  'nuff  lass  week  to  buy  me  backer  wid,  so  shell  out 
dis  time. 


ASTRONOMY.  f9 


LECTURE   XXIII. 

ASTRONOMY. 

DARKENED  DISCIPLES  : 

YOUR  worthy  subscriber  will  'lighten  your  bedimed 
wisionary  organs  dis  ebening  on  one  ob  de  moss  'fulgint  sub- 
jicks  dat  man  or  woman  kind  eber  listened  to.  I  shall 
splanify  de  great  siance  ob 

ASS-TRONOMY. 

You  must  not  spose,  you  hardened  sinners,  dat  I  is  one 
ob  dem  gifted  sight  seers,  or  one  ob  dem  wicked  fortiu 
tellers,  kase  I  is  guane  to  read  de  stars,  for  you  noe  dat  ass- 
tronomy  means  de  siance  ob  how  to  read  de  stars  in  de 
middle  ob  de  nite  time. 

Dere  am  sebril  kinds  ob  stars  in  de  furmanend.  Some, 
about  de  size  ob  de  head  ob  a  brass  nale,  an'  dey  grow 
larger  till  dey  git  as  big  as  a  soger's  button.  It  am  a  most 
beaufull  site,  ob  a  cold  nite,  to  stand  out  doors,  -raped  up  in 
notin  but  'enthusiasm,  an'  gaze  pon  de  starry  sky,  studded 
wid  angel's  eyes,  all  lookin  down  on  you,  to  see  what  you  am 
a  doin  on  dis  arth,  and  how  you  fool  around  de  wimon. 

Dere  am  some  comits  (and  some  come-its  too),  wid  long 
tales,  which  I  shall  'lude  to  bom  buy. 

De  milkey  way,  which  you  no  doubt  hear  a  good  deel 
'bout,  runs  doo  nort,  west,  and  souf,  clar  from  away  down 
below  de  Battery,  clar  up  to  Orange  county,  and  dat's  de 
reason  it  am  called  de  milkey  way.  Der  am  anudder  kind 


80  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

ob  milkey  whey  dat  I  will  sometime  or  odder  splanify  to 
you. 

De  fust  bright  star  dat  was  diskibbered  was  found  out 
drue  de  aid  ob  a  double-barrel'd  skyglass,  by  a  Jew  ob  de 
antsheut  times,  named  Peter,  and  was  named  arter  him 
( Jewpeter)  in  a  complimentary  benefit  at  de  time.  De  next 
was  Mercury,  but  we  only  see  dat  shine  on  Sunday  niornin 
in  dis  city ;  it  am  brite  as  de  britest.  Wenus  am  de  star  ob 
lub,  and  always  shine  britest  in  healthy  warm  climates. 
Mars  am  de  star  dat  gides  de  soger  man  in  de  dark  rode  to 
glory,  hallelujah,  and  E  pluribus  unum  am  anudder  ob  de 
same  family. 

De  nex  planit  dat  I  shall  call  to  your  notice,  on  dis  'por- 
tant  'casion,  will  be  de  moon.  You  hab,  no  doubt,  all  seen 
dis  planit  so  often  dat  it  needs  no  'tickler  description  from 
your  learned  lecturer  dis  ebening. 

De  moon  is  s'posed  by  meny  ignumrent  peeples  to  be  made 
ob  green  cheese,  but  dat  logick  am  'roneous  and  false. 
Odders  tink  it  am  a  big  tin  pan,  hung  out  ob  de  inwissable 
winders  ob  hebin,  wid  a  lamp  hung  in  frunt  to  make  it  shine, 
like  de  Dremmond  lite  on  de  top  ob  Mr.  Barnum's  Museum, 
and  de  reason  dat  we  don't  see  it  all  de  time  am  bekase  it 
am  taken  in  ebery  now  and  den  to  get  scowered,  kase  de 
nite  air  gits  it  rusty,  and  it  must  be  cleaned. 

Sich  stories  am  also  a  lie.  Dere  am  no  foolosefer  dat  hab 
diskibered  zackly  wat  de  moon  am  made  ob,  but  de  opinion 
of  your  'litened  laborer  am  dis.  I  look  'pon  de  moon  as  de 
little  crystial  palace,  in  which  de  god  ob  lub,  little  bare 
faced  Cupid,  libs,  kase  you  all  noe  dat  de  moment  a  human 
critter  falls  in  lub  dey  find  de  greatest  delite  in  loafin  about 
moonlite  nites,  and  gazing  on  de  beufill  orb,  wid  de  most 
intense  anxiety,  as  if  dey  'spected  to  find  out  somefin  dereby 
condusive  to  dere  happyness  Sometimes  dese  peoples  am 


ASTRONOMT.  81 

called  moon  struck.  De  moon  struck  me  one  nite  as  bein 
berry  brite  and  hansome,  but  it  'fected  Sister  Hufferman 
bery  different.  She  was  comin  home  late  from  a  ball  in  de 
moonlite  wid  de  yung  cullored  man  she  danced  wid  last,  and 
it  am  s'posed  she  must  hab  fell  in  lub  wid  him,  aldo  she 
complained  ob  feelin'  bad  rite  arter  supper.  Some  ob  de 
gossips  dere  sez  she  ete  more  den  haff  of  a  'possum  dat  was 
serbed  up  on  dis  tickler  'casion.  Well,  as  dey  were  walkin' 
'long  home  she  fainted  in  de  cullored  man's  arms,  gis  as  dey 
got  to  de  corner  ob  de  alley  dat  she  honored  wid  her  resi 
dence.  Dis  skared  de  young  he  feller,  and  he  dragged  her 
in  de  house,  roused  all  de  family,  laid  her  on  de  floe,  sent  a 
half-a-dozen  arter  as  menny  docktors,  an'  den  rushed  for  one 
heseff.  Dey  all  got  back  wid  de  different  doctors  at  about 
one  time,  and  now  de  berry  debil  was  to  pay;  kase  not  one 
would  'scribe  for  her  till  all  de  rest  was  turned  away,  and 
at  last  dey  got  in  a  row.  De  Alopatist  said  she  must  be 
bleed  in  both  arms,  leeched  wid  forty-two  leaches  in  de  back 
ob  de  neck,  and  a  blister  ob  Spanish  flyes  must  be  put  on  all 
ober  de  abominable  regions  ob  de  stumjack,  and  twelve  grains 
ob  calomal  ebery  hour.  De  Homopatist  said  dat  she 
woulden't  lib  under  de  operation,  and  dat  all  she  had  to  do 
was  take  as  much  ob  a  little  powder  dat  he  hab  in  he 
pocket-book  as  dey  could  put  on  de  pint  ob  a  needle,  an 
trow  it  in  a  sist'rn  ob  rain  water,  an'  take  two  drop  ebery 
odder  Monday  nite,  at  haff-past  ten  presisely,  an'  let  her 
hab  a  smell  ob  camfor  ebery  few  days  in  de  interum  (I 
'spect  de  interum  means  de  nose).  Dis  made  de  water-cure 
doctor  mad.  He  wished  to  noe  wat  rite  de  homapatist  hab 
to  order  a  sist'rn  ob  rain  water  under  enny  sarcurnstances  ? 
De  rite  to  dat,  he  said,  was  his  only.  He  went  on  to  advise 
de  pashent  to  hab  a  rope  tied  to  her  heels,  an'  be  sowsed  in 
de  sistren  sebral  times  a  day,  on  an  empty  stumjack,  den 

4*  ' 


82  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

take  a  refreshin'  shower-bath  ebery  twenty  minits;  an'  he 
told  dem  how  to  fix  up  de  shower-bath,  by  settin'  de  pashunt 
on  de  front  stoop,  an'  pourin'  a  barrel  ob  cold  water  on  her 
head,  from  de  third  storey  windoes.  De  Tompsonin  doctor 
said  all  de  woman  wanted  was  two  or  tree  good  emitics,  an' 
a  hot  steem-bath,  a  hundred  an'  eighty-seben  'grees  above 
alonzo;  an'  he  told  dem  neber  to  send  for  a  Tompsonian 
doctor  till  dey  put  de  biler  on  fust. 

So  de  whole  ob  dem  got  a-jawin'  true  one  anodder,  an' 
in  de  middel  ob  de  muss,  de  yung  womon  come,  two,  an'  was 
as  mad  as  blazes  to  eee  sich  crowd  round  her,  and  she 
clar'd  de  house  in  a  little  less  den  no  time,  an'  de  doctors 
arter  insultin'  each  odder  togedder,  come  to  de  'elusion  dat 
Sister  Hofferman  must  hab  been  moon  struck,  an'  notin'  else. 
Ah!  my  fren's,  dis  big  round  moon  plays  de  debel  wid 
weakly-headed  people,  sometimes. 

Will  Brudder  Thomas  Benton  Squash  please  pass  round 
de  sasser. 


ABOUT   THE    MOSKEETO    KINGDOM.  83 , 


LECTURE  XXIV. 

ABOUT  THE   MUSKEETO  KINGDOM. 

MY  DEAR  WOOLLY  HEADS  : 

MY  lectur  dis  ebenin  will  be  oa  de  Manners  an'  de 
Fashions,  de  Costumes  an  National  C/iarader  ob  de  Oderifer- 
ous  Country,  known  on  de  geolomical  maps  ob  de  arth  as  de 

MUSKEETO    KINGDOM. 

Dis  kingdom  am  siterwated  away  down  souff,  below  war 
Dickson's  line  oft  stages  run  to.  It  am  way  down  de  Mis- 
sippee,  in  de  logatude  383  97,  laffertude  9,  under  de  tem 
perance  fluid  zone.  De  best  way  to  get  dere  arn  to  take  a 
canal  boat  from  bar  to  Buffalo,  on  to  de  Hio,  den  to  Chiugo 
Lake,  to  Panamrass;  from  dere  you  go  to  Ismarass,  on  to 
Shagemrass;  den  you  get  on  a  jackenaass,  and  ride  into  de 
Calafernia  regions,  git  into  a  Chinese  chunk,  and  go  on  to 
de  Gipsin  Pyrirnids,  take  a  one-hoss  wagon  ober  de  plank 
rode  to  de  side  ob  de  harbor  ob  de  Moskeeter  Kingdom; 
den  you  git  on  board  de  ferry  boat,  and  cross  rite  ober  into 
de  place,  and  dere  you  am,  high  and  dry,  like  an'  Irishman 
biles  his  potatoes. 

When  you  ribe  dere  you  will  find  de  park  full  ob  omni- 
busses  to  take  you  to  de  king's  palace,  de  high  bridge,  and 
odder  poor-houses. 

De  king  ob  dis  kingdom  am  a  he  colored  man,  and  a  mitey 
big  one  at  dat.  He  stands  ten  foot  six,  or  six  foot  ten,  I 
forgit  now  wich;  but  him  a  mity  great  soger  man.  His 


84  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

| 

unicorn  consists  ob  a  second-hand-me-down  British  ossifer's 
blood  red  soger  coat,  a  pair  ob  spurs,  and  a  tall  bear-skin 
cap,  wid  a  red  and  white  fedder,  a  yard  and  seben  inches 
and-a-half  long,  and  a  pair  ob  moustachoes.  Him  'seedinly 
popular  jis  now  'mong  his  'stituents,  kase  he  lately  sent  out 
his  whole  army  ob  eight  colored  sogers,  and  tuck  up  all  de 
ole  wimons,  and  poor  deluded  crippels,  who  had  'barked  in 
de  peanut  line;  and  den  he  had  de  wiskers  of  de  dandies  cut 
off,  kase  dey  stuck  out  an  inch  or  two  beyond  de  mark  laid 
down  in  de  proceeding  ob  de  common  scouudrels,  and  odder 
laws  'fectin'  siety.  De  war  on  de  peanut  stands  pleased  de 
big  bugs,  an'  de  war  on  de  wiskers  pleased  de  poor  poperla- 
tion,  and  hence  his  great  popelarity. 

De  principal  wegetation  ob  de  island  am  'skeeters,  and 
dats  de  reason  it  am  called  'Skeeter  kingdom.  Dese  critters 
grow  to  about  de  size  ob  our  chicken  hawks,  and  dey  lib  in 
bee-hibes,  and  ebey  hibe  hab  got  a  grindstone  'tached  to  it, 
where  de  'Skeeters  sharpen  dere  bills  when  dey  hear  ob  de 
ribal  ob  a  furener  in  de  Selestial  Empire. 

De  Skeeters  am  berry  tick  at  all  times  here.  De  natives 
hab  to  carry  a  tin  horn  wid  dem  to  blow  dem  away,  so  dey 
can  see  when  it  am  dinner  time.  De  people  lib  principally 
on  sider  spirits,  skunk's  cabbage,  and  jerked  beef.  I  never 
seed  any  jerked  beef  but  once,  and  dat  was  a  shin  ob  beef 
Sam  Cuggo  jerked  off  a  butcher  stall  in  Cofarine  Market, 
tudder  Saturday  nite.  De  papers  say  dat  de  manners  ob 
de  people  am  decidedly  gross,  derefore  I  tink  a  man  ob 
genis,  like  Cap'n  Coggy,  would  do  well  dere,  if  he  upset  a 
gross-ery. 

When  yow  git  in  dis  kingdom  you  can  hab  jis  as  many 
wives  as  you  can  afford  to  keep,  and  you  needn't  advertise 
for  a  bordin  house,  widout  reference,  to  lib  in,  kase  any  hut 
takes  in  lodgers,  but  dere  am  bery  few  sleepers  found  in  eny 


THE    BUCK.  85 

ob  dese  houses  De  country,  as  it  stands,  aint  worth  much, 
else  it  would  nab  bin  'nexed  to  dis  long  ago.  But  England 
habiii  notin  else  for  her  navy  to  do  jis  now,  am  sending  wes- 
sels  dere  to  scrape  acquaintance  wid  de  'Skeeter  king,  and 
see  how  de  land  lays.  De  compliments  dat  pass  between  de 
British  orsifers  and  his  'lustrus  highness  am  'nuff  to  sicken 
all  porkdom.  I  understand  dat  a  committee  ob  de  hole 
colored  folks  ob  dis  city  am  pinted  to  send  his  'lustrious 
highness  a  inwitation  to  cum  on  here  and  wisit  de  soup 
house,  and  odder  public  substitutions.  I  'spect  to  be  on 
hand  on  dat  'portant  'casion,  and  I  now  send  Brudder  Bose 
around  wid  de  sasser,  hoping  to  raise  'ficient  money  to  lay 
in  a  five  dollar  suit  in  time. 


LECTURE    XXV. 

DE    BUCK. 

FELLOW  TRABLERS  TREW  DIS  WHALE  OB  TEARS': 

I  SHALL  draw  my  discord  dis  ebenin  from  de  works  ob 
Mr.  Goldsmif  on  de  wild  beasteses,  and  shall  debber  to 
liten  your  intellect  on  de  life,  character,  and  occupation  ob 

DE    BUCK. 

You  must  noe  dat  dere  am  sebral  kinds  ob  bucks — de 
buck  rabbit,  de  buck  soger,  de  buck  goat,  de  buck  torn 
cat,  de  buck  ram  ;  dere  am  two  kind  ob  buck  rams  : — one 
am  de  sheep,  and  de  oder  am  found  ginerally  mong  de  tail 
ors,  for  dese  people  use  him  to  make  de  coat  collars  stiff ; 


86  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

den  dere  am  de  de  man  buck  dat  you  see  swelling  down 
Broadway,  buried  betuene  two  yards  ob  shirt  collar  ;  den 
dere's  de  buck  nigger 'wot  swells  out  on  Sunday  arternoons 
in  he  master's  clothes,  when  he  master  happen  to  be  out 
ob  town  ;  but  I  don't  mean  any  ob  dese  fellers,  kase  dey  got 
no  character  or  oceupashun  wort  speakin  bout. 

You  must  not  mistake  de  buck  man  for  de  buck  goat, 
aldo  dey  look  berry  much  alike  about  de  face,  kase  dey'boff 
got  mitey  long  beards.  You  will  noe  de  buck  man  by 
he's  alers  habing  a  segar  in  he  mouth,  de  smoke  ob 
which  he  puffs  in  people's  faces  as  dey  pass  him  in  de  treet. 

He  differ  from  de  buck  goat  in  an  nodder  spect  too,  kase 
de  clothes  dat  de  buck  goat  wear  he  come  honestly  by, 
while  de  clothes  ob  de  odder  anamal  de  tailor  often  suffer 
for,  kase  he  gets  cheated  out  ob  de  same  ;  but  I  aiut 
lecturin  on  de  buck  de  tailors  made,  but  on  de  buck  de  Lord 
ob  human  nature  made  in  de  year  1,  and  sent  him  in  de 
woods  to  be  de  companion  and  husband  to  de  doe. 

De  buck,  my  ignorant  hearers,  am  bout  de  size  ob  a 
yearling  heffer,  only  much  more  beautifuller  made  at 
all  pints.  His  feet  differs  immediately  from  de  cullured 
man's  in  size  and  shape,  dey  being  small  for  dere  size 
and  round  for  der  formation.  His  skin,  which  am  sleek, 
and  shines  like  a  puter  dollar  in  a  swill  tub,  am  bout 
de  culler  ob  a  grizly,  gray,  brown  rat,  and  is  mity  nice, 
soft,  and  silky  to  feel  ob,  but  dey  wont  let  you  feel  era 
much,  less  you  catch  em  fast  asleep  in  de  middle  ob  de 
day  time. 

De  buck  may  be  classed,  if  he  was  fit  to  go  to  school, 
between  de  bull  and  de  race  horse,  for  he  can  beat  all 
creashun  on  a  long  run,  which  smack  ob  de  race  horse, 
and  dat  make  him  a  bulley  on  de  track,  and  hence  resem 
bles  de  bull.  He  am  de  only  animal  dat  lias  beat  de 


THE    BUCK.  87 

telegraph  to  auy  great  extent.  De  inguns  use  him  for 
carrying  de  males  from  one  wigwam  to  de  odder,  same  as  we 
use  de  steam  loferfotive  for  de  same  purpose.  Mr.  Ingun, 
as  he  jump  'pon  his  back,  cotches  hold  ob  his  horns,  and 
stears  him  strait  true  de  woods,  and  like  Brandeth  Pills, 
dey  find  dere  way  out  in  a  short  time.  He  head  am  de  most 
beautifull  part  ob  he  countenance,  if  he'd  only  keep  his  nose 
clean.  He  hab  horns  on  he  head,  which  begin  to  grow  bout 
de  third  month  arter  marriage  wid  Miss  Doe,  and  de  older 
he  grow  de  biggar  dey  git,  until  dey  git  as  long  as  a  dull 
leader  in  de  noosepapers. 

Dis  kritter,  you  all  know,  you  ungratefull  scarups,  am  de 
wensen  dat  you  hear  'bout,  and  sometimes  smell  when  you 
go  past  de  fashionable  eatin'  houses  !  De  hind  quarters  am 
considered  de  best  part,  but  "dareby  hangs  a  tail,"  as 
de  'posel  Shakespere  said  'bout  de  play-house.  Wensen, 
my  friends,  am  deer  meat  ;  it  am  worth  20c.  a  pound,  and 
when  it  am  fried  in  a  fryin'  pan,  it  looks  for  all  de  world  jis 
like  slices  ob  Ingun  rubber  biled  down  in  molasses,  and 
smells  like  de  same,  specially  in  dog  days  time. 

De  occupation  ob  de  buck  am  like  odder  people's,  who 
hab  to  pick  up  a  libin  as  dey  go  along  trew  life,  and  his 
character  stands  A  No.  1  among  de  sportin'  gentry ;  for 
we  often  hear  ob  dese  gemmen  riding  all  day  gis  to  get 
in  company  mid  one  ob  em  ;  he  am,  in  fact,  much  sort 
arter  ;  but,  like  a  Subbern  nigger,  he  don't  'pear  to  return 
dere  affections  in  de  least,  for  he  no  sooner  hears  or  sees 
dem  arter  him,  den  he  sticks  him  nose  rite  strate  afore  him, 
and  trowin'  his  horn  on  he  back,  lifts  up  he  tail,  and  shows 
his  agility  in  a  most  surprising  manner.  When  de  gents 
find  dat  he  don't  want  to  suasheate  wid  dem,  dey  generally 
send  a  bullet-due  arter  him,  on  de  reception  ob  which  he 
merely  stops,  and  allows  heseff  to  be  conducted  to  whereber 


88  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

dey  wish  to  take  him.  Dis,  ray  friends,  is  all  I  can  find  out 
'bout  de  buck.  It's  a  skittish  subjeck,  and  I  tink  you  ort 
to  be  mighty  proud  ob  your  suspected  lecturer  dis  ebening. 
Brudder  Wose  will  please  pass  round  de  sasser,  and  look 
out  for  de  California  lumps. 


LECTURE  XXVI. 

DEEP  REFLECTIONS. 

LAMBACIOUS  HEARERS — 

I  FIND  'pon  lookin'  abroad  on  de  expence  ob  creashun, 
dat  no  one  man  war  ebber  found  dat  cood  pleese  eberybody. 
No  matter  how  good  a  deciple  a  man  may  be — no  matter 
how  hard  he  may  toil  to  pleese  all,  or  how  nigh  he  may  cum 
to  doin'  it ;  still  dar  will  be  found  some  autibilious  chap, 
whose  sentements  does  not  agree  wid  de  ress  ob  mankind, 
an'  he  am  dissatisfied  wid  de  world  in  general,  an'  somebody 
in  partickler.  Sich  a  koon  as  dis  I  hab  jis  foun'  out,  an'  he 
will  hear  find  dat  I  hab  noticed  his  'pistel  to  me. 

You  all  recomleck  dat  'bout  two  weeks  and  a  fortnite  ago 
I  lectured  on  Mr.  Azteck's  children,  an'  gub  it  as  my  'pinion 
dat  dey  cum  from  Jarsey,  an'  gub  my  reesons  for  sposin7  de 
same.  Well,  wood  you  b'lebe  it  ?  Dar  am  sum  feller, 
hailin'  from  dat  orful  country,  who  want  to  pick  up  a  muss 
wid  your  long  suspected  speeker  in  consequence  darof.  He 
sez  he  am  a  Jarseyman,  and  won't  stand  it  ;  I  tell  him  I'm 
anudder,  an'  will  staud  it,  an'  bar  de  argement  stans  arter 
he  second  letter  to  me.  He  talks  ob  swor.ls  at  fifty  paces. 


DEEP   REFLECTIONS.  89 

I  say  luff  him  cum,  ef  it's  a  hunderd  paces.  I  don't  care, 
when  my  blud's  up.  Nex  ting  I  speck  he'll  freten  to  pros 
titute  me  for  breech  ob  promise,  an'  now  I  tink  ob  it,  I  tink 
I  can  sue  dis  congregashun  for  de  breeches  dey  promised  me 
two  weeks  ago,  an'  nebber  keep  de  promise  a  tall.  Dat,  I 
tink  am  a  clar  promice  ob  breeches,  ef  not  a  breech  ob  pro 
mise,  an'  will  cum  under  de  iron  statue  ob  de  law,  an'  you 
ort  to  be  ashamed  ob  youseffs  to  luff  you  ole  lectural  sarbent 
go  fru  de  town  lookin'  like  a  turkey  buzzard. 

Dar  am  anudder  discontented  disciple  rote  to  me  lass  week 
to  noe  what  am  my  pollyticks,  an'  'quests  me  to  refine  my 
own  position  on  my  own  platform,  an'  adds  dat  I  am  excum- 
sizin'  a  greater  influenza  on  de  public  mind  dan  peeple  am 
awar  ob.  Did  you  eber  har  sich  nonsence  ?  But  I'll  anser 
dem  'quiries  to  sassegefry  de  brudder. 

Fustly,  I'm  authordocks  all  ober — b'lebein  in  tings  as  dey 
am,  tinkin',  wid  de  'posel  Shakspeer,  dat  all  tings  am  better, 
am  it  am. 

Secondly,  As  'gards  pollyticks,  I'm  a  conserbatur  belong- 
in'  to  buff  parties.  I'm  a  Noddern  man  wid  Suddern  imper- 
dence,  an'  a  Suddern  man  wid  Noddern  cumplaints.  I  go 
for  de  bess  man  for  orfice,  an'  I  'spect  to  git  into  de  Custom 
House,  poor  house,  or  betterin'  house  ;  I  don't  noe  which 
yet  meseff,  but  I'm  a  cadclydate  for  all.  I  wood  be  a  alder 
man,  but  as  dat  am  equibelent  to  bein'  ritten  down  an  ass 
by  de  noosepapers,  I  refuse  from  offerin'  myseff  for  de 
sufferin'  ob  de  peepil. 

As  to  my  kreed  I  don't  bleebe  my  refactory  frend  will 
like  it,  but  as  he  calls  for  it,  I  will  reed  ober  de  articles,  as 
de  tailor  sed,  when  he  persented  his  bill,  tree  yards  long  to 
de  dandy. 

Fust,  I  blebe  in  laffin,  kase  it  eases  de  conshunce,  aids 
digestion,  and  laxitudes  de  muzzle  ob  de  face. 


90  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

Secondly,  I  don't  blebe  in  cryin',  kase  it  am  a  fringement 
on  de  water  laws  ob  de  human  body,  makes  a  feller  rinkel 
up  he  countenance  in  an  orful  manner,  an'  siles  de  pocket 
hankershings. 

Thirdly,  I'm  principald  aginst  gittin  up  in  de  mornin' 
afore  de  bell  rings  for  brexfust,  alway  perwidin  I  got  a 
brexfuss  to  git  up  to,  an'  I  tink  it  best  not  to  quit  de  table 
as  long  as  dar  am  anyting  to  eat. 

Fourthly,  I'm  too  tinder  harted  to  see  a  feller  cretur 
suffer  fisical  or  povertical  sufferin',  an'  darfor  when  I  meet 
enybody  in  distress,  I  git  out  ob  dar  way  as  soon  as  possa- 
ble.  De  Almanac  sez  dat's  benebolence,  an'  I  speck  it  am. 

Fifthly,  I  nebber  tiuk  it  worf  while  to  mind  my  own 
bizness,  as  long  as  I  can  find  enybody's  else's  dat  I  tink  ort 
to  be  quired  into.  Else,  how  in  natur  wood  I  find  out  de 
chunks  ob  siance. 

Sixthly,  I  belebe  dat  as  long  as  a  man  can  pay  he  dets, 
he  am  a  good  feller,  an'  when  he  can't  he  am  a  scounderl. 
Dat's  de  way  de  world  go,  an'  ob  corse  I  go  wid  it. 

Seventhly,  I  neber  swasheate  wid  de  wite  trash  no  how, 
an  nebber  dine  out,  ef  de  famely  don't  hab  clam  soup  for 
edder  de  dinner  or  de  puddin. 

Eightly,  and  lastly,  I  nebber  work  as  long  as  I  can  lib 
widout  it. 

Dar,  dat's  my  kreed.  Ef  it  sutes  you,  well  an'  good  ;  ef 
not,  good  an  well. 

I  hab  jis  fooled  'way  dis  eberiin'  anserin'  dem  noisy  mem 
bers,  an'  hab  not  delibered  de  lectur  I  'tended  to  do  ;  but 
nex  week  I  will  make  up  for  all  delinquints.  Pussonal 
matters  I  allers  did  disgus,  but  dey  will  "  cum  ober  us  like 
summer  toad,  widout  our  speckeld  gander,"  as  Mr.  Macbeth 
sed  to  de  murdered  Donkey. 

Will  Brudder  Jake  Harrington  pleese  pass  round  de  sasser? 


DOGMATIC.  91 


LECTURE  XXVII. 

DOGMATIC. 

REBELLIOUS  SCORPIANS — 

HAR  I  is  agin,  wid  a  wagon  lode  ob  siance,  which  I 
is  reddy  to  unlode  for  de  wancement  ob  wisdom.  As  sich 
full  'tendence  as  dis  'sures  me  dat  my  Herculian  efforts  to 
enlarge  your  dark  understandins  am  well  depresiated,  I  shall 
continue  to  hold  fort  till  I  lick  all  de  sin  out  ob  you,  or 
take  de  shirts  off  your  backs  an'  ebery  penny  out  your 
pockets. 

I  war  rumenatin'  todder  nite,  dat  is,  foolosifizein  on  tings 
in  general,  an'  de  almanack  in  partickler,  kase  I  find  in  dat 
book  dat  it  sez  dat  "  nofin  war  created  in  wain."  Dat  set 
me  to  tinkin'  on  human  natur,  an'  woman  natur  (which 
naturs,  I  blebe,  am  two  distink  kinds  ob  natur),  an'  I  cum 
to  de  'elusion  dat  de  ole  almanack  lie  dis  time  like  a  wite 
man.  I  shood  raley  like  to  noe  wat  good  de  bed-bugs  an' 
flees,  an'  de  big  bugs  am  made  for  ?  An'  wat  use  edder  ob 
dem  am  to  dis  community  ?  De  more  I  cogetate  de  matter 
ober,  de  more  I  blebe  dat  dar  am  menny  tings  created, 
"  'gardless  ob  expense  an  truble,"  dat  am  ob  no  use  to  dem- 
seffs  nor  nobody  else,  an'  when  I  don't  blebe  it 

"  Chasehoss  am  cum  agin ! " 

as  Brig  a  dig-Gen.  Othello  sed  to  lagrum,  when  he  cotched 
him  a  foolin  round  Desdamonerum. 

When  de  preecher  man  wants  to  cornwinch  he  hearers  ob 


92  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

enny  tickler  fack,  he  allers  tells  dem  a  putty  story,  in  order 
to  do  de  same.  Darfor  I  will  tell  you  a  annygote  to 
probe  to  you  dat  my  pinion  am  founderd  on  a  chunk  ob 
wisdom  as  hard  an'  as  big  as  de  rock  ob  Gibit's  Altar. 
De  story  am  'bout  an  ole  cullard  man,  an'  he  noein'  dog. 
You  see  dar  war  a  black  man  in  Ole  Warginia,  named  Tone, 
dat  owned  de  humblest  dog  de  eye  ob  man  or  beest  ebber 
beheld.  He  war  so  humbley  dat  he  coodn't  shut  he  eyes 
widout  hurtin'  he  countenance,  an'  what  war  a  little  curious 
'bout  dis  dog  war  de  fack  dat  he  messured  from  de  tip  ob 
he  tail  to  de  cold  spot  on  he  nose,  jis  as  much  as  he  mes 
sured  from  de  cold  spot  on  he  nose  to  de  tip  ob  he  tail. 
Dis  singelarity,  ob  corse,  make  him  a  great  curiosity  town 
meetin'  days.  But  dis  didn't  make  a  "  dif  a  bitterence  "  to 
de  owner,  who  lubed  him  jis  as  much  as  ef  he  war  ob  a 
kuller  node  in  de  wokabulary  ob  tints,  an  war  as  well 
shaped  as  enny  odder  common  dog.  Well,  ole  Tone  war 
offin  seen  a  trainin'  he  dog  in  de  woods  alone  by  heseff,  an' 
eberybody  got  to  noe  dat  he  war  a  grear  dog.  One  day  a 
berry  rich  sportin'  gemman  who  happend  to  hear  ob  de  dog, 
sent  a  rambassader  to  ax  de  price  ob  him,  an  ef  he  war  a 
good  'coon  dog  ? 

"  Oh,  yes,  mastrum,  I  got  de  dog  you  want.  He'm  a 
fuss-rate  'coon  dog,  an'  he  sute  de  gemman  all  ober,"  sed 
ole  Tone. 

"  How  much  do  you  want  for  him  ?"  axed  de  rambassader. 

"  Well,  I  ort  to  git  ten  dollars  for  dat  dog,  kase  he  mus' 
be  one  ob  de  bes'  'coon  dogs  in  de  hole  naborhood." 

De  bargin  war  struck,  an  ole  Tone  war  so  mity  pleesed 
dat  he  laflFed  'way  down  in  he  boots.  De  gemman  took  de 
dog  an'  left,  an'  in  less  dan  an  hour  Tone  war  drunk  at  de 
tabern,  an'  bragin  to  eberybody  'bout  de  price  he  git  for  de 
auamil.  Well,  tune  don't  stop  in  Ole  Warginia  no 


DOGMATIC.  93 

den  hear,  an'  it  roll'd  on  for  'bout  a  week,  when  de  rambas- 
sader  come  back  wid  de  dog,  as  mad  as  blazes  ;  an'  on 
meetin'  Tone  he  grab  him  by  de  koller,  an  sed — 

"  Look  here,  you  'furnal,  cheatin',  black  raskal,  you  sold 
me  dis  son  ob  a  cur  for  a  fuss-rate  'coon  dog." 

"Well,  ain't  he  ?"  'quired  Tone,  "by  Ginger,  I  tort  he 
war." 

"  You  tort  he  war.  You  told  me  he  war,  an'  I  have  been 
out  two  days  wid  him,  an'  de  moment  he  sees  a  coon  he  runs 
away  from  him.  Now,  what  eood  make  you  tink  he  war 
good  at  huntin'  'coons  ?" 

"  Well,  now,  look  a  here,  mastrum.  Don't  be  so  mitey 
mad,  an'  I'll  tell  you  wat  made  me  tink  he  war  good  for 
huntin'  de  'coon.  I  read  in  de  almanack  dat  eberyting  am 
made  fur  sum  purpose,. an'  I  bin  a-tryin' dat  dog  at  ebery 
ting  under  hebbin,  'ceptin'  'coon  huntin',  an'  he  warn't  worf 
a  ledder  button  at  all  I  tried  him  on,  and  so  I  tort  dat  he 
must  be  good  at  dat,  as  he  warn't  at  nuffin  else,  an'  I  'eluded 
dat  he  war  maneroctered  on  purpose  for  it." 

Well,  my  frens,  don't  dat  sassagefry  you  dat  I'm  rite  ? 
Now  I  ax,  in  de  name  ob  all  dat's  sweet,  what  was  dat  dog 
good  for  ?  Nufin !  But  dis  one  am  not  de  only  puppy  in 
dis  community  dat  am  walued  at  de  same  high  price. 

My  nex  lectur'  will  be  my  twenty-eight,  on  which  'casion 
de  seller  will  be  'luminated  wid  six  penny  candles,  an'  my 
motto,  "  Honesty,  independence  and  wartue,"  will  be  frown 
to  de  breeze.  A  man  possessin'  dese  tree  ingredients  can 
lib  in  happiness  as  long  as  clams  am  eighteenpence  a  hun- 
derd. 

Brudder  Dan  Pinchback  will  be  honored  by  passen  round 
de  sasser  dis  ebenin'. 


94  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    XXVIII. 

THE     VAMPIRE. 
(Long  Island  Song.) 

DEAR  DELUDED  SINNERS  : 

ANUDDER  page  in  de  book  ob  time  hab  bin  turned 
ober  since  I  lass  distressed  you  from  dis  ole  roostrum,  an'  a 
new  an'  clean  sheet  am  open'd,  on  which  we  can  rite  down 
our  wartues  or  wices,  jis  as  we  pleese ;  but  you  muss  tink, 
as  you  go  'long  in  de  big  boots  ob  sin,  dat  you  can't  rub 
nufin'  out  arter  it  am  once  put  down  on  de  page  ob  ole 
Time's  book.  You  all  see,  den,  how  nessessary  it  am  dat 
we  keep  a  putty  close  ballanse  ob  honesty  an'  wartu  aginst 
de  sin  an'  wickedness  we  kommit,  or  else,  on  de  lass  day, 
when  de  'count  cum  to  be  posted  up,  we  may  find  ourseffs 
bankrupt,  an'  hab  to  fork  ober,  or  be  forked  ober,  I  don't 
noe  which;  but  I  guess  boff.  Darfor,  look  out  how  you  fool 
you  time,  an'  see  dat  you  hab  as  large  a  score  ob  charity 
an'  goodness  as  you  hab  ob  sin  an'  folly  to  put  down  for  an 
aginst  you  characters.  Ef  you  git  de  bess  ob  ole  Satin, 
you  kin  laff  at  him;  but  ef  he  get  de  bess  ob  you,  you  will 
laff  de  todder  side  ob  your  mouff.  But  I  lebe  dese  tings  to 
dose  whose  bisness  it  am  to  'tend  to  dem.  My  misshem  har 
am  'tirejy  siamtifick,  darfor  I  fly  to  de  subjick  dat  I  'speck 
to  spoke  bout  dis  ebenin. 

You  will  find  my  tex  in  de  picter  book,  on  de  fird  page, 
nie  de  top  ob  de  leef.  Fird  page — nie  de  top  ob  de  leef,  whar 
you  will  find  a  anamil  bout  as  big  as  a  bat,  a  bat  an  a  haff, 


THE    VAMPIRE.  95 

I 

or  two  bats,  or  two  bats  an  haff.  Dat  looks  like  de  bat, 
oney  it  am'ent  de  bat.  It  am  called  by  dose  whose  wisdom 
am  suffishently  dewalloped  to  know  one  beastesses  from 
anudder — 

DE   WAMPIRE. 

An'  ob  all  de  low  bred  wicked  scounderls  in  dis  atmosfear 
he  am  de  moss  big  raskal.  He  am,  in  ebery  sense  ob  de 
word,  a  sucker.  Dar  am  sebril  kinds  ob  suckers,  but  dis 
chap  takes  um  all  down.  Ef  he  lite  on  you,  de  bess  ting 
you  can  do  am  to  say  you  prayers,  kase  he  will  suck  ebery 
drop  ob  blood  out  ob  you.  He  will  cling  to  you  wid  all  de 
affectshun  displayed  by  a  lawyer  to  a  rich  cliant,  an  will 
hold  on  wid  all  de  strenft  ob  a  Long  I'land  darkey. 
Speakin  ob  Long  I'land  darkies,  jis  fetches  to  my  mind  dat 
I  got  a  beufull  piece  ob  poetry  from  one  ob  dat  class  dat  I 
will  reed  to  you  on  dis  portant  casion,  an  luff  de  ole  wam- 
pire  run  along  till  ncx  time,  when  I'll  show  him  up  in  he  tru 
cullers.  Dar  am  a  good  menny  wampires  in  dis  community 
dat  wants  sturrin  up.  De  poetry  luded  to  am  de  nee  flux 
ulster  ob  songs,  as  we  say  in  Latin,  an  was  rote  by  Long 
Cudgo  heseff,  gibin  a  count  ob  a  little  suckemstance  dat 
curred  todder  nite  on  de  I'land,  which  I  tink  you  will  all 
be  interested  in. 

SONG. 

BY  LONG  CUDGO. 
Aif— "  I'm  gwane  to  run  all  nite." 

De  greatest  darkeys  I  ebber  seed, 

Wo  a  wo,  wo  ah, 
Am  de  ginewine  Long  I'land  breed, 

Wo  a  wo,  wo  ah, 


96  BLACI*  DIAMONDS.  * 

'•' 

Dar's  none  wid  dem  dat  kin  cumpare, 

Wo  a  wo, 

Bekase  dey  dance  an  sing  so  rare, 
Wo  a  wo. 
Coris — Dey  laff  an  work  all  day, 

Dey  dance  an  sing  all  nite, 
Dey'm  up  an  dress'd  by  de  break  ob  day, 
"  Sum  pumpkins  "  in  a  fite. 

De  green  corn  grow  'pon  de  stalk, 

Wo  a  wo. 
De  odder  day  I  shoot  a  qualk, 

Wo  a  wo, 
I  took  him  home  to  hab  a  fry, 

Wo  a  wo, 
When  de  hot  greece  flew  rite  in  my  eye, 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris — I  rub'd  dat  eye  all  day, 

I  rub'd  dat  eye  all  nite, 
It  swell'd  BO  big  by  de  breek  ob  day, 
I  tort  I'd  had  a  fite. 


I  shoot  no  more  bird  'pon  de  wing, 

Wo  a  wo, 
Bekase  my  eye  war  in  a  sling, 

Wo  a  wo, 
An  den  one  day,  de  truft  I  tell, 

Wo  a  wo, 
Dat  same  ole  eye,  he  bin  got  well, 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris — An  I  lafifd  an  worked  all  day,  &c. 

Todder  nite,  at  Sister  Jenny's  ball, 
Wo  a  wo, 

I  wore  a  cote  dat  took  em  all 

Wo  a  wo, 


THK    VAMPIRE.  97 


Big  brass  buttons,  rolin  collar, 

Wo  a  wo, 

When  JL  cum  m  de  ladies  holler, 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris  —  Au  I  laff'd  an  worked  all  day,  &c, 

I  danced  wid  de  gal  in  de  yaller  dress, 

Wo  a  wo, 
An'  her  hand  I  squeese  an  press, 

Wo  a  wo, 
Den  a  big  buck  darkey  ax  me  why, 

Wo  a  wo, 
He  shoodn't  black  my  odder  eye  ? 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris  —  An  I  laffd  an  worked  all  day,  &0. 

I  tole  him  dat  de  gal  was  free, 

Wo  a  wo, 
To  dance  wid  enny  company  ; 

Wo  a  wo, 
Den  he  called  me  dat  I  tole  a  lie, 

Wo  a  wo, 
When  I  hit  him  bim  rite  in  he  eye, 

Wo  a  wo. 

Coris  —  An  I  laff'd  an  worked  all  day,  &c. 

De  constables  dey  har  de  spree, 
>  Wo  a  wo, 

An'  all  de  darkeys  sed  'twar  me, 

Wo  a  wo, 
An  de  oney  way  dat  I  cood  flee, 

Wo  a  wo, 
War  by  climin  up  de  chimbalee, 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris  —  An  I  laflPd  an  worked  all  day,  Ac. 

When  I  got  on  de  top  de  house, 

Wo  a  wo, 
5 


98  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

I  creep  long  like  little  mouse, 

"Wo  a  wo, 
An  den  I  take  a  look  around, 

Wo  a  wo, 
An  landed  squar  upon  de  ground, 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris — An  I  lafFd  an  worked  all  day,  Ac. 

Den  home  I  run  wid  all  my  mite, 

Wo  a  wo, 
An  got  dar  by  de  breek  ob  lite, 

Wo  a  wo, 
Jumped  in  bed,  under  de  kibber, 

Wo  a  wo, 
Fot-fear  dat  I  shood  be  diskibberd, 

Wo  a  wo. 
Coris — An  I  laflfd  an  worked  all  day,  &c. 

Cndgo  cum  putty  nie  cotching  heseff  dat  time. 
Here,  Jake,  hand  round  de  sasser. 


JOAN  D'ARC.  99 


LECTURE  XXIX. 

JOAN  D'ARC. 

FELLER  TRABLERS  : 

EP  I  had  bin  a  eatin  dried  apples  for  a  week,  an* 
den  took  to  drinkin  for  a  monf,  I  coodn't  feel  more  swell'd 
up  den  I  am  dis  minit  wid  pride  an  wanity  at  seein  sich  full 
tendence  bar  dis  ebenin  ;  an  wen  I  refleck  dat  it  am  rite  in 
de  wite-washun  seeson,  wen  de  bruddern  am  seen  a  gwanin 
roun  de  treets  a  lookin'  like  ole  Gypshun  mummies  persarved 
in  lime,  an  de  sisters  am  up  to  dere  ankles  in  de  skrubbin 
time,  my  heart  yarns  towards  you,  like  a  peece  ob  Ingin 
rubber  nie  a  hot  stobe,  an  I  feel  dat  I  hab  an  afflickshun 
for  you  dat  noting  can  estrange,  or  syringe,  I  forgit  now 
which;  but  one  am  jis  de  same  as  todder. 

It  will  not  be  a  tall  strange  to  you,  ef  I  too  am  putty 
bizzy  bout  dis  'portant  seeson — too  bizzy  to  select  a  subjick 
for  your  deep  siderashun,  an  ef  I  war  to  open  de  door  ob 
de  dark  lantern  ob  siance,  an  let  de  full  force  ob  its  lite 
shine  pon  your  enlarged  understanding,  I  don't  belebe  you 
wood  take  time  to  rebel  in  its  moonshine,  darfor  I  will  pass 
on  enny  partickler  subjick  in  de  siantifick  world  dis  time, 
an  spoke  to  you  some  tings  dat  I  hab  jis  diskibber'd  con- 
sarnin  Gubner  Hunt  an  de  kullerd  poperlashun,  dat  will 
'stonish  some  ob  you  mazin'ly,  ef  not  more. 

Eber  since  de  ole  anty  delugian  world  xisted — an  I  can 
bring  de  Almanac  an  de  Esyklopeedia  ob  Human  Natur  to 
probe  my  sershun — de  kuller'd  man  hab  bin  none  as  de  moss 
gay  deceber.  From  de  time  dat  Jane  An  ob  Ark  leff  de 


100  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Ark  on  Mount  Haireat,  dressed  up  in  a  coat  ob  mail  soger 
cloffs,  an  claimed  relashunship  to  Napolion  Bonypart,  de 
uncle  ob  his  ill-begotten  nefew,  to  dis  day,  no  one  hab  bin 
so  fool  hardy  as  to  dout  for  one  minute  de  deseptial  facul- 
tees  ob  de  darkey.  As  I  hab  here  'luded  to  Jane  Ann  ob 
de  Ark,  I  s'pose  some  ob  you  wood  like  to  noe  little  'bout 
her;  darfor,  I  will  transgress  from  de  subjick  under  de  ham 
mer,  an  tell  you  dat  Jane  Ann  ob  Ark  war  a  soger  woman, 
an  went  into  de  discontented  field,  and  slew  more  men  dan 
all  de  bed  bugs  dis  hole  congregashun  hab  killed  during  de 
lass  two  weeks.  She  war  a  fitein  woman  ob  de  rashest 
kind,  an  used'  to  ride  on  a  white  hoss,  clad  in  de  moss  bril 
liant  armor  dat  war  eber  maid.  History  sez  dat  her  armor 
war  made  ob  steel  an  brass  scales,  an  war  moss  elefent  to 
behold;  but  it  allers  kinked  my  wool  to  see  how  her  armor 
cood  be  so  brilliant,  an  yet  look  so  scaley  as  to  be  ment- 
shuned  in  print.  I  neber  found  out  zackly  what  made  de 
peepil  call  her  "Jane  Ann  ob  Ark,"  bekase  history  don't 
say  dat  she  came  ober  in  de  Ark  a  tall.  But  I  count  for  it 
in  dis  way.  It  am  well  none  mong  de  stugents  ob  siance 
dat  all  de  anamiles  dat  entered  de  Ark  went  aboord  in 
pares;  but  dar  neber  war  two  such  sheroines  as  Jane  Ann 
ob  Ark.  Har  mate  coodn't  be  found,  so  dey  luff  her  go 
on  har  own  hook;  and  when  she  leff  de  bote,  de  peepil  in  de 
Ark  hab  to  gub  her  dat  nickname.  She  war  a  good  soger, 
but  her  whitewashun  an  stockin  darnin  wasn't  much  to  brag 
bout;  but  to  my  diskibbery.  You  all  recumlect  dat  in  de 
lass  procklamashun  ob  Gubner  Hunt,  he  serted  as  a  fack 
dat  de  culler'd  race  war  a  dwindlin'  away,  an  in  a  few  years 
wood  be  xtink.  An  dar  war  a  public  meetin  held  by  de  cul 
ler'd  folks  in  dis  city;  wharat  he  war  call'd  a  jackass  for 
sayin  so.  It  brot  out  a  poem  from  me  dat  will  be  remem 
bered  by  ebery  man,  woman  an  child  till  dey  forgit  it. 


I 


JOAN    D'  ABC.  101 

Well,  my  poor  deluded  frens,  I  j'is  found  out  dat  de  Gubner 
am  not  to  blame  for  dat  sershun,  an  I  am  sorry  to  say  de 
fault  lies  at  de  frunt  doe  ob  de  mulatto  poperlashun.  De 
Gubner's  agents  dat  took  de  senses  ob  de  State,  war  fool'd, 
bamboozled,  an'  humbugged  by  dese  stuck  up  wheat  an  injin 
darkies,  who  got  de  senses  takers  to  put  em  down  as  white 
on  de  books;  an  when  de  Gubner  cum  to  suffer  it  all  up,  he 
see  a  mitey  fallin'  off  in  de  culler'd  poperlashun,  an  dat's  de 
way  he  cum, to  spoke  bout  it  in  he  Message.  Dar  muss  hab 
bin  sum  bribein  goin  on,  or  else  de  senses  men  war  mitey 
neer  sited.  I  tort  I'd  mentshun  dis  fac,  kase  I  don't  want 
you  all  down  on  de  Gubner,  kase  he  can't  stand  it  no  longer, 
an'  he  am  a  ole  fren  ob  mine,  an  one  dat  I  berry  much  sus 
pect.  He  offen  used  to  spoke  to  me  when  I  war  a-mercanic, 
an  used  to  do  he  witewashun  up  town. 

De  S'iety  for  sendin'  fine  tooth  combs  an  Kalogne  water 
to  de  Siberia  Ingins  will  meet  at  Sister  Prude's  on  Friday, 
to  take  into  'siderashun  de  priety  ob  supplyin  de  Cork  mar 
ket  wid  gutta  purcha  potatoes.  I  tink  de  ting  will  pay, 
bekase  de  more  dey  chaw  'em  de  bigger  dey  grow. 

Dis  congregashun  will  meet  as  a  Committee  on  de  Hole 
to  raise  your  poorly  supported  speeker  a  pare  ob  boots,  as 
soon  as  Wilmot  Proviso  Johnson  passes  round  de  sasser  • 
an  ef  I  cotch  a  bad  penny  in  it,  I'll  come  down  on  you  like 
a  shower  baff. 


102  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE   XXX. 

MORNING  WALKS. 
ODERIFEROUS  DISCIPLES  : 

"DE  AIRLY  BIRD  COTCHES  DE  WORM." 

DE  spring  ob  de  year  am  cum  at  lass,  an  de  warm 
sun  makes  a  culler'd  man  feel  as  lazy  as  de  husband  ob  a 
bordin  house  keeper.  It  am  berry  deliteful  for  your  poorly 
supported  speeker  to  git  up  dese  plesent .  mornins  an'  walk 
'bout  de  town  an  foolosefize  on  tings  as  dey  am,  used  to 
war,  an  ort  to  be.  Some  ob  de  anshent  Dutch  an  Irish 
foolosifers  an  pertenders  to  siance,  used  to  find  meat  for 
reflexion  in  a  stone,  and  I  find  dat  a  good  menny  ob  dar 
desendents  am  great  seekers  arter  nolege,  for  I  find  dem 
deep  in  de  study  ob  de  contents  ob  de  ash  barrels  by  day- 
lite  in  de  mornin'.  Dar  is  no  'countin  for  de  works  objde 
inquirin'  mind.  Sum  wags  sert  dat  de  ancheut  stugents  had 
dust  froun  in  dar  eyes;  but  ef  dey  cood  see  de  dust  dese 
fellers  kick  up  in  ash  barrels,  dey  woodn't  wonder  ef  dey 
got  dar  mouffs  an  hair  full,  as  well  as  dar  ey.es.  Dese  mod- 
dern  foolosefers  carry  a  bag  on  dar  backs,  an  a  basket  on 
dar  arms,  in  which  dey  put  all  de  coorious  specemens  dey 
find,  an'  take  em  home  to  study  'pon;  but  moss  all  dey  find 
turns  out  to  be  cole  ob  sum  kind — de  antecrite,  de  lucky- 
warner,  de  peachpit,  de  Lehigh,  de  slate  ash,  an  de  brickbat. 
Some  eben  pick  up  de  different  kinds  ob  rags  dey  cum  across, 
in  order  to  see  what  dey  am  made  ob.  Oh !  my  ignorant 


JOAN  D'ARC.  103 

hearers,  siance  hab  reached  a  conuiptious  standin'  since  I 
commenced  lecturin  firty  weeks  ago. 

Todder  mornin  I  war  up  an  dressed  by  de  time  de  sun 
opened  his  bloodshod  eyes  on  de  uniwarsity,  an'  puttin'  on 
my  speckemtackels,  an  seizin  my  big  cane  I  sallyed  out  for 
a  walk  to  cogitate  somfin  for  your  good.  As  I  mosied  long, 
I  lambered  up  de  one  treet,  an  den  down  de  todder,  lookin' 
at  de  ole  time  signs  on  de  shop,  an  tinkin'  ob  de  signs  ob  de 
ole  times,  an  when  I  cum  to  one  treet  ob  Broadway,  I  seed 
a  wonder  bout  dese  days.  Dar  war  ackually  sebin  scaven- 
dishers  nee  deep  in  de  mud,  a  hoein  it  in  a  heep,  to  lay  an' 
rot,  to  put  on  de  land  for  de  m'nure.  Well,  I  stood  hard 
by,  as  Capt.  Cuttle  sez,  a  lookin  at  em  dig,  when  I  seed  de 
hoe  ob  one  ob  de  men  strike  fire  agin  a  little  lump  ob  sumfin 
hard,  'bout  de  size  ob  a  megnut,  or  a  megnut  an  a  haff. 
Curiosity,  which  am  related  to  me  on  my  mudder's  side, 
seduced  me  to  pick  it  up.  Pou  zamination,  I  found  sum 
scription  on  it  in  high-old-gliffix,  an  I  eluded  dat  it'  muss  be 
sumfin  grand,  an  worf  perserbin,  like  de  flys  in  de  Museum. 
But  it  war  so  kind  a  shrunk  up  an  hard  dat  1  coodn't  make 
out  de  words  on  it.  I  showed  it  to  de  Irish  artist  dat  dug 
it  up,  an  he  sed  he  tort  it  muss  be  gutter  persha,  kase  it  war 
found  in  de  gutter.  So  I  took  it  home  an  put  it  in  hot 
water,  tinkin  dat  wood  stretch  it  out;  but  it  hab  no  'feet  a 
tall.  Den  I  put  it  by  a  slow  fire,  an  kind  a  roasted  it  for  a 
while,  but  it  cum  out  as  hard  an  as  stubborn  as  before.  I 
node,  from  de  sperience  ob  de  ting,  dat  it  had  been  stretched 
out  afore,  an  dat  it  war  now  in  a  shrunk  condishun.  Well, 
wat  to  do  I  didn't  noe,  an  I  tort  I'd  do  dat  fuss,  an  I  did. 
I  axedeotly  put  it  in  my  pocket,  long  wid  a  dollar  bill 
(de  reeson  I  had  de  dollar  bill  war  kase  my  boord  wasn't 
paid  to  Anty  Clawson),  an  as  soon  as  it  came  in  contact  wid 
money,  it  begin  to  thaw  out  a  leetle.  Har  war  a  diskib- 


104  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

bery.  I  rushed  in  to  policy  shop,  an  ax  em  to  rap  dat  little 
ting  in  fibe  hunderd  dollers  for  'bout  a  nour.  De  man  in 
greezed  hair,  high  heeled  shirt  collar,  wid  a  long  nine  in  he 
mouff,  laff  at  me,  an  told  me  "  Go  long,"  but  whin  I  told 
him  de  suckemstances  ob  de  case,  a  spirit  ob  siance  seized 
he  mind,  an  he  rapped  it  up  in  de  money.  We  set  down  an 
talked  ob  de  dirty  treets,  &c.,  for  a  nour,  when  he  unrapped 
de  bills,  an  dar  we  found  de  ting  stretched  out,  like  Injun 
rubber,  tree  inches  long,  an  de  words  war  jis  as  plain  as 
daylite,  and  den  we  set  to  work  to  read  dem,  an  arter  haff 
a  nour's  study  we  found  it  to  read  dus,  "  A  POLITISHUN'S 
CONSCIENCE,  LOST  JIST  AFTER  DE'  LECTION  OB  DE  SPRING  OB 
'51."  Well,  tinks  I,  ef  fibe  hunderd  dollars  will  stretch  a 
polytishon's  conshunce  like  dat,  to  what  lengt  would  fibe 
tousand  dollers  fetch  it  ? 

Now  you  see  what  siance  will  do,  an  also  de  great  benefit 
ob  airly  risin.  De  mornin  am  de  time  to  find  tings. 

Brudder  Henry  Clay  Webster  Morehouse  will  pleese  to 
see  to  de  collestshun.  De  sasser  got  broke  dis  week  durin' 
cleanin  time,  an  he  will  hab  to  take  his  hat  dis  time. 


ALTERING    THE    SCRIPTURES.  105 


LECTURE   XXXT. 

ALTERING  THE  SCRIPTURES. 

PROTRACTED  PROSALITES  : 

I  DON'T  feel  putty  well  dis  ebenin,  but  I  shall  spoke 
to  you  on  a  subjick  dat  am  ob  wital  'portance,  an  it  takes 
tirteen  letters  to  spell  'em.  You  will  find  de  subjick  in  de 
minds  ob  ebery  human  bein,  an  it  am  none  as 

DISCONTENTMENT. 

An  ebber  since  old  fadder  Adam  an  Mudder  Ebe  war  dis 
contented  wid  all  Paremdice,  an  longed  for  sumfin  more,  till 
dis  day,  eberybody  am  'flicted  wid  it  more  or  less.  De  poor 
man  am  discontented  wid  he  lot,  an  looks  forward  to  de 
time  wen  he  kan  kail  a  towsand  dollars  his  own.  As  soon 
as  he  git  dat  amount,  he  want  he  own  house.  Fuss  he  am 
contented  wid  a  frame  cottage,  den  he  wants  a  brick  house. 
As  soon  as  he  gits  a  brick  house,  he  wants  a  free  stone  frunt, 
an  wen  he  gits  de  free  stone  frunt,  den  he  am  not  content 
till  he  gits  a  marbil  palice,  surrounded  wid  turpentine  walks 
in  he  garden,  portfolios  round  de  house,  an  he  lib  on  cham- 
pain  an  ice  cream,  year  in  an  year  out. 

Broadway  used  to  be  a  putty  treet,  but  de  folks  war  not 
continted  wid  it,  an  dey  keep  it  in  a  uproar  all  de  time  to 
alter  it  to  pleese  dem,  till  it  am  kept  in  sich  a  state  dat  it 
aint  safe  for  de  ladies  to  lemonade  in  it  no  more. 

Sum  peepil,  notwidstanin  de  lubly  flowers,  de  deleshus 
frutes.  de  wabbelin  burds,  an  all  de  ress  ob  de  good  ting  dat 

5* 


106  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

am  in  marcy  sent  to  dem,  am  unsatisfied  svid  dis  world,  an' 
purtend  dey  want  to  go  to  dat  land  whar  de  wicked  seese 
from  grumblin  an  de  lazy  am  at  rest. 

Discontentment  don't  only  'feet  de  sinner,  but  it  also 
flicts  de  preecher  man,  for  how  menny  'mong  de  hole  squad 
ob  dem  am  contented  wid  dar  sallary.  As  for  me,  I  got  to 
be  sassagefried,  kase  war  odders  am  got  all,  dars  none  leff 
ob  de  same  sort  "for  me.  Dar  may  be  sum  uncontented  brud- 
ders  dat  ain't  sassagefried  wid  my  lecturs,  but  I  don't  care, 
you  black  scorpians.  I'll  lectur  you  till  I  take  de  shirt  off 
your  backs,  but  I  beat  eddicashun  an  suspectability  in  you. 

Discontentment  am  carried  to  a  high  pitch  by  srim  ob  de 
oldest  an  moss  'spectable  pulpits  in  de  city.  Dar  am  dose 
who  am  discontented  wid  dat  bess  ob  all  books,  dat  which 
hab  stood  as  de  key-stone  ob  sibilizashun  for  ages,  an  hab 
stood  de  shock  ob  senturies  as  de  rock  on  which  all  human 
happyness  am  founded.  It  don't  sute  de  wiews  ob  dem  as 
it  am  now,  an  eb'ber  hab  bin,  an  dey  wants  it  altered,  kase 
dey  hab  found  a  flaw  in  de  translashun,  an  now  dey  am 
goin'  to  hab  one  to  sute  dem,  ef  dey  hab  to  make  it  demseffs. 
De  part  dat  'pears  to  trubble  dem  moss  am  de  words  "  bap 
tize,"  which  meens  tick  de  hed  in  de  bucket,  an  de  word 
"  emarshun,"  which  meens  a  duck  under  de  water  hed  an' 
heels.  Now,  I  b'lebe  in  de  water  kure  for  de  complaintes 
ob  de  body,  an  I  don't  see  notin  agin  de  water  cure  for  de 
sins  ob  mankind.  Still  I  don't  tink  de  Hebrew,  or  de  She- 
brew  ob  de  word  means  "emarshun,"  kase,  ef  it  did,  de 
passage  dat  reeds,  "  How  often  would  I  have  gadered  you 
under  my  wing  as  a  hen  gaderet  her  chicken,  but  ye 
would  not,"  would  read,  "  How  offen  wood  I  hab  gader'd 
you  under  my  wing,  like  a  duck  gaderet  her  little  goslins," 
an  insted  ob  Peter  bein  told  to  feed  de  sheep,  he  wood  hab 
bin  tole  to  feed  my  little  seals,  muskrats,  an  beebers. 


NUTS  FOR  BOSTONIANS  TO  CRACK.          107 

Now,  I  noe  dat  it  ain't  none  ob  my  bizness  to  meddle  wid 
dese  tings,  kase  I  confine  myseff  to  siance  in  all  its  glory 
xclusively;  but  wen  I  see  men  a  dabbliu  wid  dat  blessed 
book  in  order  to  suit  dar  own  ideas  ob  redempshun,  I  tink, 
as  a  man  who  hab  a  soul  to  save,  I  hab  a  right  to  hab  my 
say  'bout  it,  jis  as  well  as  odders.  Ef  dey  kan  find  flaws  in 
de  translashun  ob  one  word,  dey  will  find  a  good  menny 
odders,  au  we  poor  sinners  won't  noe  wot  to  b'lebe,  or  wot 
not  to  b'lebe,  an  I  don't  tink  it  am  rite,  an  I  don't  care  who 
nose  it.  Let  de  rock  on  which  all  moral  law  an  de  happy- 
ness  ob  mankind  am  founded  stand  firm  an  solid,  whar  it  am, 
an  let  no  man  move  it  to  the  right  or  left,  or  chip  off  enny 
ob  its  corners. 

George  Washington  Napoleon  Mark  Antony  Jumbins 
will  pleese  hand  round  de  sasser. 


LECTURE  XXXII.  % 

NUTS  FOR  BOSTONIANS  TO  CRACK. 

BELIGNENT  BRUDDERS — 

FOR  your  edication  dis  ebenin,  I  shall  read  to  you 

JfY    FIRST   PISTOL   TO    DE    BOSTONIANS. 

An  I  speck  as  soon  as  de  Gubner  sees  it,  he  will  call  a 
publick  meetin  on  de  Boston  Commons,  an  read  it  to  de 
peepil.  Ef  he  don't  it  ain't  my  fault — hear  it,  ye  black 
sliders  !  !  ! 


108  BLACK  DIAMONDS. 

BOSTON  BOSTONIANS — 

I  hab  bin  a  lookin  at  your  goins  on  fur  de  lass  sentery, 
and  I  come  to  de  elusion  dat  you  am  'bout  as  nice  a  set  ob 
kipacritacal  blue  noses  as  war  eber  sembled  ob  a  Forf  ob 
July.  I  did  tink  dat  when  your  blue  laws,  dat  woodent  luff 
a  man  kiss  he  wife  and  chile  on  a  Sunday,  met  de  ridicule 
and  lafter  ob  de  world,  dat  you  would  larn  de  meanin'  ob  de 
word  liberality — but  no,  you  sneakin,  petty  tirants,  aldo 
your  State  hab  sent  a  dickshunary,  to  dem  as  choose  to  use 
it,  you  don't  understan  de  true  difernation  ob  haff  dat's  in 
it,  and  eber  since  de  Pilgrim's  Progress  was  found  on  Ply 
mut  rock,  up  to  de  present  time,  you  hab  bin  de  narrow 
est-minded  set  ob  long-faced  Sleeks,  dat  eber  Yankee  Doodles 
turned  out. 

Among  de  fust  tings  in  which  your  wisdom  stuck  out,  was 
de  cruel  manner  in  which  you  tortured  ebery  poor  old  woman 
who  happened  to  be  a  little  exsentrick,  by  burnin  her  to 
deaf  by  fire  for  bein  a  witch.  Ef  a  poor  ole  cretur,  black 
or  white,  happened  to  put  on  a  wig  or  bonnet  dat  wasent  put 
down  in  de  blue  laws,  she  was  megitly  put  to  de  stake  and 
made  steaks  of.  I'll  stake  my  repetation  dat  I've  spoken  de 
truff.  Well,  den,  you  begin  to  medil  wid  de  laws  at  de 
Souf,  an  wanted  to  alter  de  black  laws  ob  dem  States  to  de 
blue  laws  ob  your  own.  You  encouraged  stealin  from  your 
Souffern  bredren,  an  tried  your  best  to  brake  up  de  homony 
ob  de  country  by  'deberin  to  compel  dem  to  come  into  your 
views  ob  goin  to  church  and  luff  de  slabes  go  free  to 
starve  and  die. 

You  wasen't  willin  to  buy  dem  an  edemcate  dem,  but  you 
wanted  der  owners  to  leff  dem  go  free,  widout  noein  de  fust 
rudiment  ob  how  to  take  care  ob  demseffs.  Why  don't  de 
Norff,  ef  dey  am  so  interested  in  de  welfare  ob  de  cullerd 
man.  buy  dem  by  degrees,  and  put  dem  in  a  way  to  make  an 


NUTS    FOR    BOSTONIANS   TO    CRACK.  109 

honest  libin.  But  to  liberate  all  de  slabes  at  once,  and  put 
de  cars  ob  life  'pon  dem  as  dey  am,  bloodshed  and  crime 
wood  stalk  abroad  in  deland,  and  de  "  Sun"  wood  haff  to  brush 
up  dere  ole  steretipe  murder  notices,  and  gib  dem  anudder 
run  true  de  nex  wolume.  Well,  when  you  found  dat  you 
coodent  walk  into  de  peepils  houses  at  de  Souff,  and  hab 
dem  do  jis  as  you  dicktated,  you  went  home  and  put  a  stop 
to  smokin  in  de  streets,  for  fear  de  light  ob  de  segar  mite 
show  de  hipockracy  in  your  faces — and  now  eben  tobacker 
chawers  and  snuff  takers  hab  to  steal  de  chance  to  endulge 
dere  propensities. 

De  last  sclimax  ob  all  your  wisdom  was  de  passage  ob  de 
Maine  Licker  Law,  dat  perwents  a  man  to  drink  a  glass  ob 
sorafin  to  take  wid  anudder  human  bein.  Har's  de  way  de 
ting  stan's.  Two  men  says  to  one  man,  "  We  don't  like 
licker,  no  how — darfore  you  shant  have  it."  "  But,"  says 
de  man,  ''  I  hab  bin  brought  up  to  take  a  nip  casionly,  an  I 
can't  bery  well  do  widout  it,  an  I  see  no  reason  dat  I  can't 
hab  it,  jis  case  you  two  fellers  don't  like  it.  I  tought  you 
boasted  ob  dis  bein'  a  free  country,  aud  dat  eberybody  cood 
do  as  dere  conshunce  dictates  ;  wat  de  debil  am  your  4t  ob 
July  for,  ef  you  act  in  sich  tiranical  ways?"  "B#t,  my 
fren,"  sez  de  two  men,  "  dere  am  a  drunkin  lofer  round  de 
corner  dat  wont  take  cur  ob  he  family,  and  we,  de  peepil, 
hab  to  take  cur  ob  dem.  Now  if  we  luff  you  drink,  we  must 
luff  him  drink  too,  and  you  see  it  wont  do."  "  But,"  sez  de 
one  man,  "  aint  dere  a  law  to  punish  dat  drunken  lofer  if  he 
kicks  up  a  muss  and  wont  take  cur  ob  he  family  ?"  "  Ah, 
yes,  dere  am,  I  beliebe,"  sez  de  two  men.  "  Well,  den,  why 
must  I  be  punished  for  de  sins  ob  dat  lofer  round  de  corner  ?" 
sez  de  one  man.  "  Becase  we  consider  it  best,  and  we  will 
hab  it  so."  And  so  you  go  on  in  your  stubborn-headed  way 
till  putty  soon  you  will  stop  de  chawin  ob  tobacker,  and  dat 


110  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

will  cause  a  raise  in  de  gutta  persha  market-house — kase 
dey  muss  chaw  somfin.  Den  all  Boston  will  be  a  gutta 
persha  factory.  De  snuff  takers  will  hab  to  take  to  usein 
cubebs,  kase  de  snuff  will  be  stopped  soon — and  den  you  will 
make  eberybody  go  to  one  church,  de  one  you  like,  and  com- 
pell  dem  to  go  sebril  times  on  a  Sunday,  and  twice  a  Sunday 
flite,  and  take  up  a  kollection  ebery  time  dey  go.  You  will 
make  eberybody  go  up  on  one  side  ob  de  street  and  come 
down  on  de  todder ;  pass  a  law  to  show  at  which  door  a 
gent  shall  enter  he  house  aud  he  carrage — and  as  you  hab 
legislated  what  he  shall  drink,  I  speck  soon  you  will  lay  out 
he  eatables  for  each  week,  and  ef  he  calls  in  enny  extras, 
fine  him,  aad  spend  de  fine  in  abolishun  tracts. 

Dere  am  one  claus  in  dat  licker  law  dat  shows  de  Yankee 
big  as  dat  Elemfent  dat  I  told  you  'bout  tudder  nite — and 
dat  am*  de  fack,  dat  you  will  luff  de  distillerys  continue  to 
make  rum  to  sell  out  ob  de  State  ;  but  it  cant  be  sold  in  de 
State,  kase  it  am  pizen,  but  you  sell  de  pizen  to  your 
nabors. 

Now  aint  you  a  putty  set — -jis  look  at  youseff  inside  and 
out,  politically  and  religiously,  and  see  ef  yon  hadent  ort  a 
git  a  second  pistol  from  me.  I  tank  Provendence  dat  I  am 
in  a  free  country,  yet  whar  liberty  and  mud  am  as  tick  as 
ebber. 

Brudder  'Rostus  Efronious  Lutts  will  please  pass  round 
de  sasser,  and  keep  he  tievein  irons  out  ob  de  change.  I 
got  my  eye  on  him. 


SOMETHING  -FOR  NEW  YORKERS.  Ill 

. 


LECTURE  XXXIII. 

SOMETHING  FOR  NEW  YORKERS. 

FRENDS  AN  SPECTATORS  : 

As  I  sent  a  pistol  to  de  Boston  fellers  lass  week,  I 
will  dis  ebenin  elemwate  your  intellect  by  luffin  you  hear  my 

FUSS    PISTOL    TO    DE    NEW    YORKERS, 

WhaMu  I  shall  luff  you  see  dat  aldo  I  kin  see  de  falts,  follies, 
an  fanatickism  ob  dem  eastern  sleeks,  I  kan  also  likewise  see 
de  long  beem  a  stickin  out  ob  your  eyes  like  de  bowsplit  ob 
a  clam  slupe.  I  hab  bin  a  layin  low  an  keepin  dark,  speshely 
de  latter,  .for  a  long  time,  an  I  bin  a  watchin'  you  wid  boff 
eyes,  an  tink  ef  enny  community  in  dis  kintrey  ort  to  hab  a 
big  klub  broke  ober  its  lied,  it  am  you  New  Yorkers.  All 
you  seem  to  car  about  am  how  to  make  money.  No  matter 
how  you  make  it,  so  long  as  it  am  made,  an  you  kin  expire 
at  de  West  end.  You  am  bery  carfull  how  you  spend  money 
indiwidually,  but  collecktively  you  go  it  wid  a  rush.  Your 
sitty  fadders,  seein  your  great  lub  ob  money  an  stinginess  to 
one  anodder,  am  constantly  gibiu  you  lessons  in  how  to  spend 
money.  You  will  •  all,  no  dout,  reckumleck  dat  dese 
daddies  hab  great  lub  for  liberty,  patriotism,  tea  room,  and 
korporation  kontracks,  an  dey  will  make  a  great  fuss  ober 
ennybody  dat  will  fite  for  de  same,  prowidin .  allers  dat  de 
feller  dat  edder  fites  or  spouts  for  dem  am  a  furriner.  Dey 
tink  nofin  ob  spendin  twenty-fibe  tousand  dollars  for  firin  de 
big  guns,  an  eatin  de  big  dinners,  an  peradin  de  sogers, 


112  BLACK    DIAMONDS.  « 

when  sich  genises  as  Cowshute  arribe  wid  a  fedder  in  he  hat, 
an  den  it  am  dat  elemquence  an  fustin  breeks  out  in  big 
sores  all  ober  de  body  politick.  De  furriner  am  toted  round 
in  a  fore  hoss  wagon,  an  wo  be  to  de  feller  dat  don't  trow 
up  he  hat  an  du  he  share  ob  de  hurrain.-  True,  sum  ob  de 
"  deceptshuns  "  oney  coss  six  or  seben  tousand  dollars,  but 
who  cars  when  de  pepil  pay  de  shot,  an  dey  get  all  de  glory, 
an  sum  ob  de  hallumlujah,  too. 

New  Yorkers,  I  blush  for  you,  as  much  as  sarcumstances 
will  admit,  to  see  you  make  sich  big  ingredious  asses  ob 
youseffs,  an  my  hart  am  bustin  wid  indignashun  to  find  dat 
de  dust  kicked  up  by  de  Parrin  pabement  hab  got  so  tick 
into  your  eyes  dat  you  can't  see  no  patriotism  or  lub  ob  lib 
erty  in  your  own  pepil ;  but  you  muss  needs  look  fa»ober 
de  deep  blue  see  to  find  a  patriot,  on  whom  to  trow  your 
speeches,  adorashun,  an  dollars. 

I  stood  on  a  corner  ob  de  treet,  leenin  on  my  wartue  an  a 
big  cane,  de  day  Mr.  Cowshute  cum,  an  de  tear  cjim  in  my 
eye  as  big  as  a  hoss  chessnut,  to  see  de  difference  atween  de 
fuss  made  wid  him  an  de  reception  dat  de  noble  regement 
ob  New  York  boys  met  wid  when  dey  ribed  in  dirty  shirts 
cubbered  wid  notin  but  rags  an  glory.  War  dere  enny  big 
guns  fired  ?  No  !  War  dar  enny  big  dinners  gibben  dem  ? 
No !  an  no  one  cood  hab  douted  dey  looked  like  hungry  un 
at  de  time.  Did  enny  wite  cote  foolosefer  send  a  tousand 
dollar  to  dem  ?  No !  Did  Brigadig  General  Sanford 
order  out  de  sogers  to  meet  dem  fresh  from  de  feels  ob  bat 
tie  an  victory  ?  No  !  Dey  carried  dar  tatter'd  banners  an 
dar  wounded  limbs  true  de  streets,  unnoticed  an  alraoss  un 
welcome.  An  now,  svhat  do  you  do  for  dem  ?  Why,  allow 
dose  who  still  lib  (an  dey  am  a  berry  few,  for  dey  all  got 
more  disease  dan  glory  in  Mexico)  ninety  dollars  a  year  to 
lib  on,  an  den  dey  git  it  in  shillins  at  a  time  Why,  I  git 


SOMETHING  FOR  NEW  YORKERS.  113 

as  much  as  dat  a  year  myseff,  cludin  de  tin  shilling.  But 
dar's  no  use  a  talking  to  you  fellers ;  you  hab  allers  bin  a 
raakin  jis  sich  asses  ob  yourseffs,  eber  since  you  kick  up  de 
Dickens  wid  Pickwick  Boz  to  de  present  time,  an  look  at  de 
way  you  now  'low  your  treets  to  be  kept.  Why,  I'll  bet  all 
I  git  in  de  sasser  to-nite  dat  it  am  a  harder  rode  atwixed 
here  an  Harlem,  on  de  Fird  abenue,  dan  am  found  on  de 
Isrnarass  dat  you  cross  a  goin  to  Californi.  But  you  orten't 
to  say  nofin  aginst  your  sitty  daddies,  for  didn't  dey  lass 
week  put  lime  in  de  gutters  along  Broadway,  an  odder  big 
treets  whar  de  omnibusters  run,  an  lebe  de  back  treets  nee 
deep  in  mud  an  filth,  dat  hab  laid  dar  all  de  winter,  making 
great  probement  in  de  manure  line.  I  nose  wat  I  am  talkin 
bout,  an  I  say  you  got  good  daddies  for  Fote  ob  July 
selembrations,  lecktioneerin,  lobster  an  oyster  eatin,  an  con- 
siderin  de  temptashuns  dat  meets  dem  on  ebery  corner  from 
sundown  till  daylite,  I  tink  dey  contribe  to  keep  as  much 
wartue  as  possible  to  wrap  demseffs  up  in,  jis  afore  de  lect- 
shuns.  Some  ob  you  may  say  dat  dis  aint  none  ob  my  biz- 
ness,  kase  I  don't  pay  taxes  ;  but  I'll  luff  you  see  who's  boss 
har,  mind  I  tell  you.  I'll  say  jis  what  I  pleese  on  my  own 
platform,  an  ef  enny  ob  you  say  a  word  aginst  it,  I'll  git  de 
feller  dat  sez  it  licked  like  blazes  by  de  short  boys,  or  de 
killers,  dat  you  keep  surroundin  de  corners  ob  de  treet,  an 
den  I'll  go  'form  de  p'lice  dars  bin  anudder  fite  on  de  corner, 
or  how  wood  dey  noe  it  ?  So  take  care  how  you  carry  you- 
seffs,  an  if  you  don't  look  out,  you'll  git  anudder  'pistol  from 
me  nex  week. 

De  colleckshun  dis  ebenin  will  be  for  bieing  lime  an  soap 
to  clean  dis  room,  an  I  honor  sister  Jemima  Floriuda  Betty 
Anna  Muffins  an  Brudder  Jemes  Godolphus  Rompson,  by 
questin'  dem  to  ack  in  concert  wid  Anty  Clawson  in  doin  de 
same.  Luff  de  sasser  succeed. 


114  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    XXXI Y. 

DARKIES  IN  THE  WHITE  HOUSE. 

MY  DEAR  CONSTICHEWEXTS  : 

I  FIND  dat  some  ob  de  wite  trash  ob  New  York  got 
de  rnullygrubs,  au  went  off  in  a  coiiiption  fit  ob  de  sulks,  at 
sum  stringent  marks  dat  I  choose  to  make  on  my  own  plat 
form  lass  week  bout  Cowshute  an  de  New  York  regement. 
But  what  do  I  car  for  de  wite  trash  ?  or  what  do  de  wite 
trash  car  bout  me  ?  Dat's  de  questshun.  Sum  ob  de  wite 
trash  pertend  to  car  a  good  deel  bout  de  culler'd  man,  but 
it  am  all  gas  an  politicks,  got  up  jis  to  kick  up  a  muss  an 
keep  de  kedentry  at  a  bilin  pint  ob  xcitement  by  de  Balti 
more  Conwentshuns.  Dese  Baltimore  Conwentshuns  am 
gittin  to  be  a  great  nuisance  in  dis  kedentry.  You  neber 
hear  ob  dem  in  England,  an  I  don't  see  no  use  in  dem.  De 
oney  good  ting  dey  hab  done  is  to  nominate  Brudder  Pierce 
for  de  Presidency.  Brudder  Pierce  hab  long  held  a  specta- 
ble  sitewashun  in  Brudder  E.  P.  (dat  means  E  Pluribus) 
Christy's  band  ob  minstrels,  an  he  kin  play  de  tamborine  to 
kingdom  cum.  He  am  a  fuss  rate  feller,  an  I  long  ago  pro- 
fitized  dat  he  talents  would  be  diskibbered  by  one  or  odder 
ob  de  great  parties  ob  de  day.  When  he  git  to  de  White 
House,  we'll  hab  high  ole  times.  De  fuss  ting  he  will  do 
am  to  call  Brudder  Bones  (darfore  you  will  make  no  bones 
in  supportin  him)  an'  Brudder  Jonson  in  de  cabinet  shop  to 
look  arter  de  keys  ob  de  burow,  an  see  ef  de  decanters  am 
allers  full  on  de  sideborde.  Dan'l  Webster  hab  to  clar  out 


DARKIES    IN   THE    WHITE    HOUSE.  115 

den,  kase  he  will  collect  de  wisdom  ob  de  nashun  round  him, 
an  den  I  will  be  called  pon.  I  speck  notin  less  den  a  pint- 
ment  as  Prime  Minister,  an  I  speck  I  make  a  Prime  Minis 
ter  fuss  rate,  an  de  wages  am  a  good  deal  more  dan  I  git 
hear  now,  an  den  I  git  no  tin  shillins  an  puter  quarters,  as 
am  continually  rung  in  on  me  by  dis  meen,  black  slideu  con- 
gregashun.  When  I  git  to  be  Prime  Minister,  I'll  hab 
stated  preechin  ebery  odder  nite  in  de  Wite  House.  'Two 
nites  in  de  week  de  band  will  perform  in  de  big  hall,  led  by 
Pierce  heseff,  an  nobody  else,  kase  Perfessor  Jonson,  de 
leeder  at  dis  time,  can't  speck  to  shine  den,  no  matter  how ' 
big  his  whiskers,  or  how  high  falutin  he  combs  his  hair.  De 
two  odder  nites  we'll  hab  a  break  down,  when  all  de  furrin 
Rambassenders  will  be  lowed  to  cum,  hair  an  all,  an  jine  in 
de  real.  Oh,  my  frens,  we'll  all  hab  hallumlujah  day  den, 
an  clam  soup  de  year  roun.  No  man,  not  eben  Bill  Seweed 
or  Fred  Douglass,  will  be  pinted  to  orfice,  onless  he  can  pat 
juba,  sing  "  Git  out  ob  de  way  Ole  Dan  -Webster,  or 
Tucker  " — don't  make  a  dif  a  biterence  which — an  can  dance 
a  break  down. 

Den  dar  will  be  some  swellin  up  an  down  de  lemenade  on 
Pencilwania  abenue,  an  Kolone  water  will  be  riz.  Darfor, 
I  say,  go  you  deff  on  Pierce.  He's  a  man  arter  my  own 
pocket,  an  I'll  bet  a  cart  lode  ob  Cowbay  clams  dat  he'll  be 
leckted.  Jis  luff  de  wite  folks  hear  him  make  de  tamborine 
ring,  an  den  keep  him  out  ob  de  cheer  ef  dey  can. 

What's  dat  Brudder  Ben  Lomans  sez  ?  I  got  de  rong 
pig  by  de  ear  ?  How  can  dat  be,  when  it  am  in  eberybody's 
mouff  dat  Pierce  am  nomenated  ?  An  don't  all  de  noose- 
papers  say  so  too  ?  An  did  eber  one  ob  dem  lie  ?  Say  ? 

Oh !  it  am  General  Pierse,  ob  New  Hamshere,  dat's  nom 
enated,  am  it  ?  Well,  by  golly,  I  tort  it  war  Brudder 
Pierce,  de  tamborine  man.  I  didn't  noe  no  odder  Pierce 


116  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

xcept  him,  an  I  don't  b'lebe  dar  am  eny  odder  worf  noein. 
I'll  take  my  dinner  I  tort  it  war  him,  an  I'm  sorry  it  ain't, 
kase  dar  won't  be  no  fun  at  de  Wite  House  now  no  more. 
But  it  won't  feet  me  in  partickelyer,  kase  Massa-  Foolmore 
an  me  am  berry  intimate,  an  he  axes  my  pinion  on  all  notty 
pints,  frequently  offen,  speshely  bout  de  nautty  Five  Pints, 
an  I  speck  some  orfice  all  ob  de  time,  but  I'll  find  out  all 
bout  General  Pierce  an  luff  you  noe. 

I  hab  recebed  a  billy-dux  from  a  sister,  axin  me  what  am 
ment  by  de  tea  room,  whar  de  common  scoundrels,  dar 
"frens,  an  frens'  frens  git  dar  supper  at  de  spence  ob  de  pepil. 
She  wants  to  noe  what  kind  ob  tea  dey  use,  an  ef  dey  use 
dtstillery  milk.  Now,  I  sarch  all  true  de  book  ob  statuary 
bout  law,  an  I  can't  find  out  nofin  bout  it.  But  ole  Jim 
Bolus,  who  ar  waiter  dar,  sez  dat  de  tea  dey  use  am  not 
sich  tea  as  am  used  outside.  Dey  hab  it  made  somewhar  an 
sent  in  dar  in  dimmy  jugs.  It  ain't  called  Bohee,  Shoeshong, 
an  Highskin  tea,  like  odder  fokes'  tea  ;  but  you  will  find  it 
libeled  as  brandy  tea,  whiskey  tea,  Bedam  gin  tea,  port  wine 
tea,  an  Jamaica  rum  tea.  As  regards  de  milk,  dey  don't 
use  it  oney  in  punches,  an^den  I  defy  ole  Belzebub  hesef  to 
tell  what  kink  ob  milk  it  am,  wedder  cow,  goat,  mare's,  or 
cocoa  nut,  or  wedder  it  am  de  milk  ob  human  kindness.  I 
don't  noe  much  bOut  dese  kind  ob  teas,  kase  I  neber  drink 
enny  ob  dem  kind  myseff. 

I  is  glad  de  witewashin  am  ober,  an  I  tank  Anty  Clawson 
an  de  rest  ob  de  Committee  on  Cleanin  for  de  same. 

Will  Mr.  William  Henry  Augustus  Marsey  Potch  please 
pass  roun  de  sasser,  an  gib  back  no  change. 


INDEPENDENCE    DAY. 


LECTURE   XXXV. 

INDEPENDENCE  DAY. 

REBELIOUS  SINNERS  : 

OLD  Brudder  Samuil  Nuckils,  who,  you  noe,  was  a 
haff  brudder  to  ole  Joxth  Heath  on  he  madder's  side,  and  is 
now  too  old  to  do  ennyting  but  eat  spoon  witals  and  sleep, 
wants  me  to  say  somfin  'bout  Independence  and  Fort  ob 
July,  and  as  I  was  doun  dere  to  his  house,  and  spent  de 
Fort — which  cum  on  de  Fif  dis  year — I  tort  I  may  as  well 
say  somfin  'bout  him,  as  well  as  odder  pepil. 

You  ob  corse  all  noe  who  ole  Fort  ob  July  am,  and  why 
de  fokes  kick  up  sich  a  muss  at  de  return  ob  ebery  birth 
day.  Ef  ye  don't,  den  I'll  tell  you. 

Fort  ob  July  was  born  in  Filemundelfy  in  It 76.  General 
George  Washington  was  he  gran'  dadder,  and  Thomas  Jef 
ferson  was  he  farder.  He  had  fifty-six  god  dadders  dat 
attended  his  birth,  and  hear  let  me  say  dis  fifty-six  hab  bin 
consider'd  de  weightiest  fifty-six  dat  de  world  ebber  seed ; 
kase  all  Urope  cuddent  lift  or  disturb  dem.  England  had 
de  ropes  all  reddy  to  lift  dem  by  dere  necks,  but  she  found 
dem  too  heavy  to  fool  wid.  De  birt  ob  Fort  ob  July  was 
hail'd  wid  de  ringin  ob  bells  and  de  firin  ob  cannon,  and  so 
has  he  birt-day  ebber  sinc^e.  De  wost  ob  it  am,  it  always 
will  cum  in  de  summer  time.  As  far  back  as  I  kin  recolem- 
lect  I  hab  notic'd  dis  fac,  and  put  it  doun  in  my  scratch 
book,  for  farter  futarety.  Comin  in  sich  hot  wedder  as  it 
does,  de  pepil  get  de  fantods  afore  it  am  obber.  I  don't  say 


118  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

dat  dey  all  git  de  fantods,  but  I  notic'd  a  great  many  who 
h&dfans  and  a  great  many  who  had  tods,  which  blended  in 
one  pusson,  products  de  fantods.  De  Irish  pepil  boast  dat 
St.  Patrick  was  jis  as  good  a  man  as  Fort  ob  July  is  ;  kase 
Pat  banish'd  a  few  toads  and  alegators  from  a  little  island 
todder  side  ob  Jorden.  But  Fort  ob  July  dun  more  den 
dat — he  lickd  a  whole  army  ob  sarpints  and  crockemdiles 
dat  cum  obber  hear,  armed  to  de  teef  in  soger  clothes. 
Derfore,  if  you  here  a  bogtroter  make  any  sich  'lusions,  de 
best  ting  you  kin  do  am  to  gib  him  one  on  he  nose  for 
heseff. 

Fashenable  pepil  all  go  out  ob  town  on  de  Fort,  and  lebe 
de  city  in  de  hands  ob  de  poor  classes.  Derfore,  'cordingly 
I  went  out  ob  town  myseff  lass  Monday,  and  I  got  myseff 
into  much  tribulation  and  disgust  dereby.  I  will  tell  you 
how  it  cum.  You  all  noe  berry  well  dat  for  a  few  monfs 
prebious,  your  wordy  speeker  hab  formed  great  'taehment  to 
Bettsy  Gemima,  de  gran'dorter  ob  ole  Sam  Nuckels,  dat  lib 
down  to  Hogshead  Long  Hand.  Well,  de  Saturday  afore 
de  Fort  I  pack'd  up  my  portmantila  in  de  croun  ob  my  hat, 
and  puttin  what  small  change  I  hab  in  my  cloze  in  to  one 
west  pockit,  I  put  on  my  specks  an  ruffel  shirt  an  sallied 
forf  to  de  cars.  When  I  got  in  de  cars  de  peepil  all  star' 
at  me  like  as  if  I  wos  one  ob  de  candydates  for  de  Presumcy. 
Ebberybody  node  me,  and  "  how  d'ye  do,  Professor  ?"  met 
my  refulgent  gaze  at  ebbery  turn. 

Well  I  ribed  down  dor,  and  Bettsy  Gemima  recibed  me 
in  a  most  blushin'  and  expirin  manner.  De  ole  man  sed  he 
was  glad  to  see  me,  aldo  he  had  bin  blind  dese  twenty  years. 
He  ole  woman,  ober  a  hundred  years  ole,  was  dere  lookiir 
like  a  dried  ingin  rubber  foot  ball  stuck  in  a  nite  cap.  As 
soon  as  she  seed  me,  she  axed  me  if  I  cum  down  dere  on  a 
marrying  expedishun,  and  made  Bettsy  Gemima  look  forty 


INDEPENDENCE    DAY.  119 

ways  for  Sunday,  wid  shame  and  difushun.  I  sed  I  was  a 
moss  to  ole  I  feer'd  for  dat,  and  I  axed  her  how  ole  a  pus- 
son  muss  git  afore  dey  gib  up  all  desire  to  marry.  She  sed 
I  muss  ax  somebody  older  dan  her,  and  dat  make  Bettsy 
Gemima  laff  all  ober  her  face. 

Putty  soon  arter  dis,  Bettsy  Gemima  leff  de  room  to  open 
some  clams  for  to  make  de  clam  soup,  and  while  she  was 
gone  an  idear  struck  me  which  kinder  startled  me,  as  I  aint 
use  to  bein'  struck  wid  dem.  I  tort  as  bein'  as  how  Bettsy 
Gemima  was  a  gwane  to  make  de  clam  soup  for  my  speshal 
stomjack,  dat  I  'ort  to  do  somfin  for  her  a  little  nice  and 
pritty.  I  recomleckted  dat  I  seed  a  skruce  beer  sine  on 
de  door  ob  a  little  shop,  near  unto  de  car  whar  de  depot 
cum  in,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  to  slip  off  and  git  a  qwart 
unbenonin  to  nobody  and  s'prise  Bettsy  Gemima  wid  de 
same,  when  de  clam  soup  war  reddy. 

But  what  was  I  to  fotch  it  in  ?  As  dis  question  was  a 
tumblin  all  true  my  hair,  like  a  mouse  in  a  bale  ob  okum,  I 
seed  a  ole  brown  pitcher  settin  on  de  top  shelf  ob  de  dres 
ser,  and  in  a  miuit  I  had  it  in  my  hand  and  was  on  my  way 
to  de  skruce  beer  shop.  I  tole  dem  to  put  a  qwart  in  dere 
as  quick  as  litenin,  kase  I  was  in  a  mity  hurry.  In  a  few 
minits  I  had  de  beer,  and  ribed  at  de  house  jis  time  nuff  to 
set  it  up  in  its  ushal  place,  afore  Bettsy  Gemima  cum  in  wid 
de  clams  all  open'd  in  a  pan.  I  didn't  say  nofin,  but  my 
hart  kept  a  beetin  quicker  and  faster  at  de  tort  ob  de  s'prise 
dat  waited  for  de  gall  ob  my  'fections.  Well  pretty  soon 
de  soup  was  dun,  and  de  ole  fokes  and  Bettsy  Gemima  and 
me  myseff  sot  .down  to  de  table,  when  I  spoke  out  and  told 
dem  I  bro't  somfin  down  from  de  depot  dat  wood  gladden 
dere  harts,  and  I  rose  and  went  to  de  dresser  and  handed 
my  belubed  de  pitcher.  She  blush'd  and  took  it,  but  as  I 
sat  down  to  de  table  agin,  I  tort  she  look  a  little  mad,  and 


120  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

I  was  fritened  when  she  axed  me  if  I  specked  dem  to  drink 
sich  stuff  ;  but  I  answer'd  and  sed,  "  In  corse  I  do,  kase  I 
got  it  spressly  to  tickle  your  palate!"  Den  I  seed  she  was 
rale  mad,  and  she  sed  no  man  shouldent  tickel  nofin  'bout 
her,  and  I  cood  take  it  all  myseff.  Wid  dis  she  flung  it  rite 
in  my  ruffle  boosum,  and  it  went  all  ober  dem  new  trowser- 
loons  Anty  Clawson  made  me  out  ob  de  ole  bedtick.  I  de 
manded  to  noe  de  reeson  ob  sich  treatment,  and  Gemima, 
sinkin'  in  a  chare,  busted  out  a  cryin',  and  sed  I'd  find  her 
reasons  in  de  bottom  ob  de  pitcher.  I  den,  for  de  fuss 
tune,  look'd  in  de  pitcher,  and  dere  I  found  her  reasons  in 
de  shape  ob  a  ded  mouse,  'bout  haff  discompos'd,  a  stump 
ob  segar,  a  piece  ob  taller  candle  'bout  tree  inches  long,  sum 
corn  sabe,  a  gimlet,  a  shoe  string,  and  some  pills  fur  to  kill 
rats! 

I  hab  herd  ob  fellers  afore  now  feelin'  streeked,  but  I  felt 
nasty,  and  megitly  leff  de  house,  took  de  fuss  depot  dat  leff, 
and  cum  back  home  to  foolosofize  on  de  succeedin'  ewents 
as  dey  'curred.  De  moral  ob  all  dis  am — Always  look  into 
tings  afore  you  use  dem — specially  ole  pitchers. 

I  found  out  who  put  de  lites  out  lass  week,  and  I  got  a 
rod  in  pickil  dat'll  tickil  when  I  use  it. 

As  I  was  fool'd  out  ob  my  colleckshun  lass  week,  I  speck 
a  double  dose  ob  small  change  dis  ebening. 


THE    ELEPHANT.  121 


LECTURE  XXXVI. 

THE  ELEPHANT. 

DELUDED  LAMS  : 

DE  subjick  for  siderashun  dis  ebenin  am  a  moss  too 
big  for  me  to  handle,  widout  some  kind  ob  tackle.  At  fuss 
I  tort  I'd  bess  diwide  him  in  too  parts,  like  de  preecher 
mans  do  dar  tex,  an  lectur  on  haff  ob  him  at  a  time.  But 
I  didn't  noe  wich  haff  to  commence  on  fuss,  an  I  tink  ef  I 
tackle  him  wid  de  claws  ob  true  siance,  I  will  succeed  in 
showin  his  different  pints  as  finely  as  ebber  Massa  Barnum 
did  in  his  life.  De  anamel  luded  to  hab  created  a  great 
sensashun  in  dis  willage,  an  folks  from  all  parts  ob  de  country 
hab  flooded  de  city  to  find  an  git  a  look  at  him,  an  singelar 
to  relate,  a  great  menny  found  him  whar  dey  didn't  spect  to 
see  him,  an  whar  he  war  sort  for  moss  he  war  nebber  dere. 
Some  ob  de  city  boys  hab  from  time  to  time  started  on  a 
huntin  expedishun  arter  him,  an  dey  ginerly  found  him  by 
daylite  in  de  stashun  house,  or  some  odder  kind  ob  wicked 
house.  From  your  snickerin  I  begin  to  tink  you  know  who 
de  gemman  am  dat  I  wish  to  induce  to  you.  Ef  not,  I  will 
tell  you  dat  I  mean 

DE   ELEMFENT. 

Dis  obbergrown  lump  ob  flesh  muss  hab  bin  made  at  de 
commencement  ob  de  Beast  makin.  When  dey  had  a  obber 
pluss  ob  anamile  matter  on  hand;  an  it  seems  to  me  dat 
human  natur,  when  he  made  him,  don  it  as  a  sperement  to 

6 


122  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

see  how  big  a  feller  he  cood  make  walk,  an  how  much  flesh 
an  bone  dey  could  cram  in  one  skin  widout  spoilin  it;  an 
sure  nuff  it  warn't  spiled  a  bit,  but  walked  off  one  ob  de 
noblest  an  moss  noein  ob  all  de  beastesses. 

My  ignumrent  scorpians,  as  a  great  menny  ob  my  hearers 
hab  bin  a  long  time  tryin  to  see  him  widout  doin  de  same,  I 
tink  a  gineral  scripshun  ob  his  bigness  will  be  relished  by 
dose  whose  labor  hab  bin  in  wain. 

Ef  one  ob  dese  fine  mornins  you  shood  see  sumSn  cumin 
up  de  treet,  big  as  a  hay  stack  on  four  warf  spiles,  wid  a 
bed  like  a  flour  barrel  wid  a  side  ob  sole  ledder  flappin  on 
each  side  ob  it,  an  a  nose  six  foot  long  a  squirmin  around 
like  de  Ingine  rubber  hose,  an  feet  dat  look  'bout  as  grace 
ful  as  a  child  does  a  walkin  in  two  swill  pails,  an  a  couple 
ob  teef  stickin  out  ob  he  mouff  like  two  barber  poles  a 
stickin  out  ob  a  basement  barber  shop,  dat's  him — Ole  John 
B  Elemfent  hisseff. 

When  he  walks  he  roles  from  side  to  side  like  a  sailor 
man  jis  landed,  an  I  speck  de  reeson  am  bekase  his  feet  am 
berry  tender  from  carryin  round  dis  big  haystack,  an  he's 
got  corns  on  all  he  toes.  He  foot  am  shaped  somfin  like  a 
culler'd  man's,  oney  broader;  but  like  de  darkies,  de  holler 
ob  it  make  a  hole  in  de  ground. 

When  he  war  made,  it  seems  to  me  dat  dey  stood  out 
four  ob  dem  warf  spiles,  an  piled  on  all  de  meat  dey  could 
pile  on.  Den  dey  made  a  gravey  ob  sandstone,  gutter  per- 
sha,  broun  dust,  molasses  an  gray  dog,  an  pour'd  it  all  ober 
de  flesh,  an  dar  luff  it  dry.  He  war  so  big,  an  de  big  long 
ladders  hadn't  bin  inwented  yet,  so  dey  coodn't  smoff  it 
doun  much,  an  dat  counts  for  he  rough  pearance  all  ober. 
Wen  dey  cum  to  de  tail,  de  stuff  gib  out,  an  dey  had  to  cut 
it  short;  but  unlike  menny  tales  I  hab  seen,  dar  am  a  good  an 
desided  pint  to  it.  Ef  dey  had  made  it  as  long  as  he  nose. 


THE    ELEPHANT.  123 

it  might  hab  puzzled  him  which  end  war  to  go  fuss,  kase  he 
look  as  do  he  hab  a  tail  at  boff  ends.  He  nose  am  call'd  a 
trunk,  but  for  what  reeson  no  foolosofer  hab  found  out,  kase 
ho  nebber  carry  no  close  in  it;  but  de  way  he  can  pick  up 
de  apples,  an  nuts,  an  candies  wid  it,  am  nuff  to  breek  a 
munkey's  heart.  He  ort  to  belong  to  de  Poke  Nose  S'iety, 
kase  I  neber  met  wid  a  feller  dat  had  such  a  pensity  to  poke 
he  nose  in  odder  peepil's  bizness  in  my  life.  One  time,  wen 
I  war  a  seekin  nolege  in  a  carry  wan  tent  ob  wild  beastes,  I 
seed  him  stick  he  long  Ingin-rubber  nose  into  a  lady's 
satchel,  an  steel  a  hunk  ob  gingerbread,  nuff  for  my  supper, 
which  he  took  in  one  bite,  widout  eben  winkin  or  pickin  he 
teef.  He  jis  roled  he  trunk  down  he  mouff,  which,  like  de 
culler'd  man's,  am  sitewated  in  de  lower  part  ob  he  hed,  jis 
under  he  nose.  Well,  I  tood  dar  a  laffin  at  he  imperence, 
wen  he  grab'd  my  cap  off  my  hed,  an  widout  chokin  a  bit, 
swaller'd  it.  Den  I  begin  to  laff  on  de  odder  side  ob  my 
mouff,  kase  I  tort  my  new  cap  gone  sure;  but  de  keeper 
told  mo  to  coxe  it  out  ob  him  wid  apples  an  sugar  tings. 
So  I  bied  sum  ob  dem  wid  my  lass  sixpence,  an  gub  it  to 
him,  an  arter  a  while  he  put  he  nose  down  he  troat,  pull'd 
»p  de  cap,  an  flung  it  haff  way  cross  de  show,  widout  eben 
smilin  at  de  trick.  He's  got  a  orful  swaller.  I  tink  he  cood 
take  in  a  barrel  ob  taters,  haff  a  dozen  bed  quilts,  an  a 
buffalo  skin  at  one  time,  jis  as  easy  as  I  kin  swaller  a  Cow 
bay  clam. 

A  great  menny  nannydotes  am  told  ob  dis  feller's  cunning- 
ness  an  trickery,  dat  wood  keep  you  a  laffin  all.nite;  but  I 
am  warned  by  de  woise  ob  Time  to  shut  up.  De  elemfent 
am  de  moss  segarshus  an  noein  ob  all  de  anamile  creashun  ; 
but  den,  who  coodn't  be  smart*  wid  a  hole  hogshed  full  ob 
branes.  It's  a  wonder  to  me  dat  a  feller  wid  his  high  for- 
hed,  don't  turn  his  tentshun  to  lecturin  on  de  siances. 


124  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Dem  trousers  an  dem  shoes  habn't  ribed  yet,  an  ef  de 
Dawcus  S'iety  don't  hurry  dem  up,  I'll  hab  to  lay  in  bed  to 
morrow  all  day  till  Anty  Clawson  fixes  dem  up.  I  is  proud 
to  show  dat  I  ware  a  shirt,  but  I  is  a  little  tickler  which 
end  ob  it  gibs  de  occular  proof. 

Magyar  Chawley  will  pleese  pass  round  de  sasser,  an  be 
careful  wot  kind  ob  money  he  takes,  an  gib  back  no  change 
to  nobody. 


LECTURE    XXXYII. 

THE    HOG. 

MY  DEAR  WOOLEY  HEADS  : 

FOB  de  wancement  ob  siance  on  dis  'tickler  casion  I 
shall  re-lie  on  de  anamal  kingdom  for  a  subjeck  to  lectur  on, 
and  derefore  I  shall,  by  'tickler  request,  proceed  to  anato 
mize  an  old  acquaintance  ob  you  all — namely, 

DE  HOG. 

De  hog,  my  deluded  wooley  heads,  am  a  native  ob  de 
Sixt  Ward,  aldo  dey  am  frequently  often  found  in  odder 
inhabited  districts  ob  dis  badly  'litened  city,  and  no  matter 
war  he  am  found,  he  am  de  happiest  ob  beasteses  all  de 
world-  ober  ;  he  always  feel  perfectly  at  home  anywar,  and 
generally  makes  out  to  find  a  libin';  he  am  de  happyest 
feller  dat  runs  in  de  streets.  Take  him  in  his  single  or 
matrimonial  state,  dere  am  no  anamal  enjoys  heseff  better ; 
in  fact,  de  deeper  he  am  in  de  mud  de  more  he  am  in 


THE   HOG.  125 

de  mire  ob  contentment  ;  he  lays  heseff  down,  straches 
heseff  out,  and  gibs  heseff  up  to  glory.  Sometimes  he 
spirits  am  edified  by  bein'  de  fust  to  find  out  de  depot 
of  a  new  pail  ob  swill  from  a  fashionable  boardin'  house, 
and  den  he  am  led  to  be  frisky  ;  and  den  it  am  dat  he 
"  cuts  up"  as  if  de  debil  was  in  him.  Di's  lass  obserwation 
am  too  true  to  laff  at ;  for  de  big  book  says  dat  de 
debil  was  sent  into  de  swine  (swine  am  de  Hebrewer's 
name  for  hog),  and  dat  accounts  for  de  deblish  shines 
he  sometimes  indulges  in,  shaking  he  little  tail,  rollin'  up  he 
little  eye,  and  smackin  he  chops  for  joy.  Dere  am  no  use  for 
me  to  describe  de  'pearance  ob  de  hog  to  you,  kase  you  am 
all  "on  de  most  intimate  terms  wid  him,"  as  de  politishens 
always  sez,  when  dey  spoke  'bout  de  President.  Dey  am 
tought  but  little  ob  in  siety,  specialy  by  all  polytishens, 
kase  dey  can't  wote.  If  dey  could,  de  Sixt  Ward  would 
go  hog  ebery  'lection.  Dere  am  sebril  kinds  ob  hogs  : 
dere  am  de  Wall  street  hog,  whose  hogish  appetite  for 
money  would  make  him  steal  de  wool  off  ob  a  dead  darkey's 
head,  to  stuff  he  hair  cushin  ;  den  dere's  de  hog  landlord, 
who  would  sell  de  bed  from  under  a  sick  child  redder  dan 
lose  a  shillin  rent,  if  he  could  ;  den  dere  am  de  hog  boarder, 
who  nebber  quits  de  table  as  long  as  dere  am  enny  ting  left 
to  eat,  and  when  butter  am  dearest  piles  it  on  de  tickest, 
and  nebber  pays  up  he  board.  Ah,  my  stingy  hearers,  dere 
am  more  hogs  in  dis  world  dan  wat  run  around  a  gruntin' 
on  four  legs. 

De  hog  am  a  useful  anamal ;  but,  like  all  odder  gen- 
uses,  de  world  neber  diskibers  his  great  walue  till  arter  he 
am  dead,  and  served  up,  young  and  roasted,  at  a  Yankee 
train  dinner,  or  staked  off  in  a  sixpenny  eatin'  house,  or 
turned  into  de  sassage  market,  in  company  wid  dog  meat 
and  red  flannel.  His  life  generally  ends — when  he  don't 


126  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

get  run  ober  by  de  omnibusters — as  a  countryman's  career 
in  de  city  commences,  viz. — by  bein  stuck. 

De  hog  am  a  most  anshent  animal ;  he  must  hab  libed 
long  afore  de  flood,  kase  it  will  be  remembered  dat  Gen. 
Geerge  P.  Noah  took  a  Ham  wid  him  into  de  ark  ;  and  you 
know  dere  can't  be  no  hams  war  dere  am  no  hogs.  Hams 
were  so  plenty  at  one  time  in  Garmany,  and  so  bery  big,  dat 
de  people  made  houses  ob  dem,  and  bilt  up  a  hole  town, 
which  am  called  till  dis  day,  in  all  de  'spectable  arifmatics, 
.Ham-burgh.  But  I  am  led  by  de  nose  to  belebe  dat 
dese  hams  spoken  ob  must  hab  bin  wooden  ones  ;  and,  no 
doubt,  some  ob  de  Yankee  abolitionists'  grandfarders  took 
out  a  ship-load,  and  sold  dem  at  a  slight  profit,  and 
den  stole  a  ship-load  ob  slaves  from  de  coast  ob  Ginny,  jis 
to  save  dem  from  any  loss  by  de  trip.  You  see  I  noe  dese 
old  Yankee  fellers  aroun'  Nantucket. 

But  I  must  close  dis  interestin'  subjec,  or  else  you 
may  tink  I  am  like  a  hog  myseff  for  habin  so  much  jaw.  I 
will  feel  obliged  to  Brudder  Porgie  if  he  will  pass  round  de 
sasser,  and  don't  probe  youseffs  pigish  by  refusing  to 
reward  your  wordy  laborer  for  his  brilliant  discorse  dis 
ebenin'. 


THE    BAT.  127 


LECTURE  XXXVIII. 

THE    BAT. 

BELUBED  WOOLEY  HEADS  : 

I  SHALL  dis  ebenin  obstruct  my  discord  from  de 
anamal  wonders  ob  creation,  and  aldo  de  subjick  ob  de 
discord  am  blind,  you  musent  tink,  you  ignoramasses,  dat 
your  'spected  laborer  dont  know  how  to  valuminate  it ' 
— I  know  it  like  a  book  from  de  head  to  de  tail.  .  De  subjick 
am 

DE    BAT. 

De  bat  I  mean  am  not  a  brick-bat  (aldo  he'm  a  "  perfect 
brick  in  his  way),  dat  fly  about  oftentimes  in  de  Sixt 
Ward,  and  make  you  see  stars  in  de  day  time  when  he 
hit  you  on  de  shin,  nor  de  bat  dat  play  wid  de  ball ;  no  ! 
nor  de  bat  on  de  nose  like  dat  Sam  Cowlip  struck  Pete 
Coles  wen  he  spit  on  his  new  shiny  boots  at  Pete  Wil 
liams'  todder  nite.  It  am  no  such  fluvenile  subjick. 

Dere  am  two  kinds  ob  bats  :  de  ole  bat  and  de  young 
bat — and  it  am  de  ole  bat  your  poorly  supported  laborer 
will  pullucilate  on,  on  dis  berry  'portant  casion. 

Whar  de  bat  come  from  am  none  ob  your  bizness,  so  I 
nebber  took  de  trubble  to  go  down  to  de  Museasm  to  find 
out,  but  I  is  fully  sassagefried  dat  dey  war  made  by  human 
natur  like  all  de  odder  winged  beastesses,  an  my  'piuion  am 
founded  on  de  ritens  ob  seberal  ob  de  Common  Scoundrel, 


128  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

which  I  found  in  de  papers,  call'd  de  "  Democratick  Lebeler," 
and  de  "  Wig  Screacher,',  who  all  say  de  case  am  a  fac, 
an  ob  coarse  it  am.  De  bat,  my  stingy  hearers,  am  a  con 
siderable  of  a  bird  ;  he'm  haff  inseck  and  haff  anamal,  an 
am  'bout  de  size  ob  a  haff  grown  rat.  He  am  like  a 
rat  kase  it  has  fur  on  jis  like  a  tievin'  scoundrell,  and 
he  am  also  rat-Hied,  by  habin  a  tail  in  de  usual  place.  He 
head  am  like  a  buck  rabbit's,  and  he  resembles  an  editor 
'bout  dis  regin  a  good  deal  too,  kase  it  am  defishint  berry 
much  in  de  brains  ;  and  he  am  also  like  justice — bein 
stone  blind.  If  justice  was  stone  blind  it  would  do  ; 
bat  dis  one-sided,  cross-eyed  way  ob  doing  justice  am 
"  awful  papers,"  as  we  say  in  French.  He  toes  am  fledged 
wid  sharp  claws,  like  a  California  pickaxe,  and  he  habits 
am  berry  unregular,  because  he  will  fly  'bout  nites,  and 
human  natur,  seemin  pleased  wid  his  nocturnal  propensities, 
hab  gibben  him  a  pair  ob  wings,  seeminly  for  no  odder 
arfly  purpose  ;  and  I  would  'vise  all  ob  you  fellers  to  be  on 
de  look  out  for  dese  chaps  in  de/  nite  time,  for  if  one 
bats  you  side  ob  de  head,  you'd  labor  under  a  hallelujah  ob 
de  mind  for  two  weeks  and  a  fortnight,  and  jis  as  like  as  not 
git  in  de  lunatick  silam  in  Centre  street.  If  one  ob  dem 
'tempt  to  bat  me  any  nite,  when  I  am  comin'  home  late  from 
beein  oat  on  charitable  purposes,  I'll  take  him  afore  a  alder-e^ 
man  on  a  rit  ob  "  heap's-o-corpses,"  as  lawyers  call  it,  and 
sware  salt  and  bat-tery  on  him. 

I  hab  to  'form  dis  siety  dat  Deacon  Lofty  from  Bostun  is 
'ppected  in  town  in  a  few  days  prior  to  his  nominating  heseff 
for  de  presedency.  It  am  not  none  yet  wedder  he  will 
bring  a  trabblin  companion  wid  him  or  not,  but  sebrel 
sisters,  boff  black  and  wite,  hab  kindly  woluntered 
to  act  in  dat  compasity  to  see  dat  his  morals  am  not 
tampered  wid  in  dis  wicked  city.  I  tink  it  wisable,  my 


THE    CROCODILE.  129 

dear  wooley  heads,  dat  you  should  take  up  a  collection 
sufficient  to  purchase  a  hunderd  clams  to  be  made  into  soup 
for  his  special  benefit,  during  his  stay  among  us,  as  a  change 
ob  diet  mite  play  de  debbel  wid  his  scrutinary  functions ; 
derefore  Brudder  Fitz  will  please  pass  round  de  sasser,  and 
look  out  for  bad  pennies,  kase  dey  will  "ring  em  in"  on 
us  sometimes,  if  we  aint  carefull.  I  understand  dat  de 
Hanabel  Black  Guards,  a  company  ob  sogers  named  in 
honor  ob  myseff,  will  turn  out  on  he  'rible,  and  scorch  him 
true  de  five  pints. 


LECTURE   XXXIX. 

THE   CROCODILE. 
BELUBED  SISTERN  AND  BRUDDERN  : 

• 

HABIN  receibed  a  free  gratis  ticket  for  notin  wid  de 
rest  ob  de  clergy,  to  wisit  de  Tom  Tumb  cattle  show  ob 
bullefants,  Barnums,  and  odder  queeriosities,  I  put  on  my 
new  wite  hat  which  Brudder  Knox  sent  me  lass  week  done 
up  in  a  "  horn"  box,  and  seizin'  my  big  cane,  which  hab  got 
de  hed  ob  a  jackass  carbed  on  de  top,  which  Brudder 
Greeley  leff  me  to  remember  him  by  wile  he  went  to  de  Bri 
tish  John  Bull  show  shop,  and  puttin  on  my  specks  which  I 
got,  it  am  none  ob  your  bizness  whar,  I  wended  my  way  to 
de  carawan,  and  wen  I  got  dar  I  foun  myseff  in  &  managery. 
Sum  ob  de  pepil  was  complainin,  kase  dey  sed  dey  cudent  see 
Barnum  no  whar,  hut  I  laffd  at  dem,  kase  I  cood  see  him  in 
'most  ebery  cage,  'septin  ob  course  de  cages  whar  de  wild 
beastesses  was.  Well,  I  looked  all  'round  at  de  old  and 
young  bullefants,  de  linn  and  de  monkeys,  wich  all  surbe 

6* 


130  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

food  fur  reflecshun,  ef  food  fur  nobody  else,  and  I  foun 
almost  ebery  species  ob  human  natur  'mong  dem,  'septin  de 
beufell  cretur  none  in  de  anamals  ob  fame  as  de  krokein- 
dile,  and  as  he  was  not  dar  I  will  splanify  his  life,  charakter, 
and  costume  to  you,  so  you'll  be  posted  up  on  de  subjick. 

DE    KROKEMDILE, 

My  frens,  am  a  beast  and  a  fish  too, — dat  means  he  am 
anty  phebeus  anamal.  De  wise  men  in  de  East — dat  am  on 
de  eastern  shore  ob  Maryland — belebe  him  to  be  de  connec- 
tin  link  twixt  de  Abolishunist  and  de  Maremaid,  and  de 
more  I  cogitate  de  matter  ober  in  my  own  hed,  de  more  I  is 
led  to  belebe  in  de  same  'xclusive  'pinion,  kase  de  krockem- 
dile  hab  got  a  tale  like  a  fish,  so  hab  de  Maremaid,  dat 
makes  him  like  de  fish  and  de  Maremaid ;  and  he  likes 
young  and  tender  niggar,  so  does  de  Abalishunist,  'specially 
de  female  gender,  wich  makes  him  like  de  Abalishunist,  and 
deir  lub  boff  amount  to  'bout  de  same  ting.  Dese  fellers  am 
alike  in  anudcler  instink,  kase  dey  boff  shed  krockemdile  tears 
ober  de  darkey  race. 

De  lub  ob  de  krockemdile  am  so  strong  for  de  darkey, 
dat  he  hab  been  knone  to  chase  him  on  a  sandy  beech  for  a 
mile,  cryin  arter  him  all  de  time.  He  am  by  natur  like  an 
alderman,  kase  he  lubs  fresh  meat  amazin,  and  he  am  all  jaw 
and  nebber  sez  enyting  ob  consequence.  He  am  like  de 
darkey  to,  kase  he  lub  to  lay  in  de  sun  and  sun  heseff  jis  like 
lazy  niggar  in  fly  time.  He  will  lay  on  'him  back  wid  him 
mouf  wide  open  till  he  git  it  full  ob  flies,  muskeetoes,  toinat- 
toes,  bumblebees,  and  grasshoppers,  and  den  widout  ringin  a 
bell  or  gibin  eny  warnin  to  de  insec  world,  all  ob  a  suddin 
he  slaps  down  he  upper  jaw,  shuts  he  mouf  like  a  seller  door, 
and  wo  be  to  all  inside  dem  jaw.  He  lays  eggs,  so  does  a 


THE   CBOCODILE.  131 

hen,  and  he  am  got  claws  like  a  hen,  but  dat  dont  make  him 
chickin-hearted.  Altogedder,  my  frens,  at  full  lengf  or 
kirled  up,  he  am  a  scaley  chap,  and  I  'wise  you  as  a  fren  to 
cut  his  'quaintance  wenebber  yon  meet  him.  If  you  should 
pitch  fite  wid  him  you  will  fine  dat,  like  de  skunk,  he  can  do 
"much  'xecushun"  (as  dey  say 'bout  de  soger  man)  wid  he 
tail  ef  he  gets  a  crack  at  you,  derfore,  do  as  I  do  now,  leff 
him  alone. 

De  darkey  dat  was  so  liberal  as  to  put  a  counterfit  dollar- 
bill  in  de  sasser  lass  week  is  knone  to  me,  and  if  he  don't 
make  instant  persparushun  for  de  rong  committed,  I  shall 
'xpose  him  to  de  hole  congregashun,  so  Jim  Crolen  jis  come 
up  here  and  git  your  bad  dollar,  and  ef  you  come  dat  ober 
me  again  I'll  turn  you  out  ob  meetin. 

Brudder  Sillyous  K.  Muffin  rites  me  from  Long  Island, 
dat  sence  he  got  married  lass  April  he  hab  bin  tendin 
a  protracted  "Lub  Feast."  I  should  like  to  tend  sich  a 
"  Lub  Feast"  as  dat  meseff. 

Brudder  James  W.  Cobb  Webb  will  honor  de  company 
by  passin  'round  de  usual  sasser 


132  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE   XL. 

THE  RHINOCEROS. 

DEAR  SISTERS  AND  BRUDDERS  : 

I  is  berry  glad  to  find  dat  a  true  sirt  for  'nolage 
hab  brout  so  meny  ob  you  to  hear  me  lectur  dis  ebenin'. 
De  subjick  dat  I 'shall  spoke  'bout  on  dis 'tickler  'casion  will 
be  one  dat  shood  kommand  wide  awake  listeners,  kase  I 
shall  splanify  some  tings  dat  no  foolosefer  hab  yet  diskibered 
in  dis  'ligtined  country,  and  I  spect  to  see  my  name  em- 
blasted  on  de  m'ckutchon  ob  fame,  and  handed  down  to  pos 
terity  by  my  antsisturs  in  preseedin'  years  to  come  in  kon- 
sequence  dereof.  I  shall  once  more  'xtract  my  diskushun 
from  natral  histree,  and  de  fust  beast  dat  I  shall  'tack 
will  be 

DE   RINOSSINHOSS. 

Some  folks  mou't  call  it  de  rinossincow,  kase  it  hab  got  a 
horn  on  him  hed  ;  but  he  am  set  down  as  rinossinA^ss  in  de 
Comic  Almynack,  and  odder  elemwated  works  on  siance, 
and  derefor  I  tink  he  am  considerable  ob  a  hoss,  and  notin' 
a  tall  to  do  wid  de  cow  speeches.  He  am  a  bery  fine  lookin' 
kritter,  rangiu'  in  size  'tween  de  mouse  and  de  elemfant,  and 
he  am  nie  de  cullor  ob  a  wheat  and  Ingin  nigger,  wid  de 
small  pox.  He  'sembles  de  cullored  man  berry  sumtously 
'bout  de  mouf,  'septin  de  nose,  ka*se  de  darkey's  am  flat, 
broad,  and  soft,  while  de  odder  am  notin  softer  or  shorter 
den  a  horn,  and  he  finds  de  utmost  diffikulty  in  blowin'  he 


THE   RHINOCEROS. 

| 

own  horn  or  nose,  and  'derefore  he  differs  egregiously  from 
de  editor,  kase  de  latter  anamal  blows  he  own  horn  jist  as 
easy  as  if  it  was  natral  to  him,  and  looks  upon  it  as  a  luxery 
dat  neber  'pears  to  tire  him. 

My  der  ignumrent  hearers,  de  rinossinhoss  am  a  anty 
phebious  creter,  jis  like  de  crockemdile,  and  he  libs  more  den 
haff  de  time  in  de  water,  and  hence  he  am  better  off  den  de 
poorer  class  ob  de  wite  and  de  cullered  peeple  in  dis  sitty, 
kase  he  can  get  a  baff  during  de  hot  wedder  free  gratis  for 
notin'  wheneber  he  wants  it,  wich  shows  'clusibely  to  my 
mind  datprovemdental  natur  takes  better  care  ob  de  beasts 
ob  de  feelds  den  de  corporation  takes  ob  de  lower  classes  ob 
'siety.  I  gess  I  cut  somebody's  buttons  den.  One  reason 
why  he  don't  stay  on  land  more'n  he  dose  am  kase  he  got 
eny  quantity  ob  corns  on  he  tose,  which  render  he  "long 
marches,  dreadful  measures,"  as  de  posel  Shakespur  sez. 

De  corns  on  he  toes  am  jis  as  hard  as  de  horn  on  he  nose, 
which  make  de  lamed  Goldsmith,  not  de  lamed  blacksmith, 
class  him  'mong  de  homey  anamals  ;  and  what  makes  it 
worse  for  him  is  de  fack  dat  he  don't  no  how  to  read  de 
noosepapers,  dere  nebber  habin  bin  no  mishenary  siety  yet 
'tablished  to  go  mong  dem  to  upset  free  schools,  to  larn 
dem  to  read  ;  else,  dey  could  see  at  once  what  sab  to  use  to 
kure  dere  korns.  Ah,  my  frends,  you  hab  no  idia  ob  de 
ignumrance  dere  am  in  dis  world. 

De  bed  ob  de  rinossinhoss  am  'bout  de  size  ob  a  young 
flour  barrel,  and  he  lips  am  berry  much  like  cullored  man's 
'speshaly  when  him  smile.  He  got  a  bery  'spressive,  open 
countenance,  and  his  food  consists  of  ebery  ting  good  in  de 
market,  'septin  spoon  witals  and  hoe  cake,  and  de  only 
reason  he  don't  lub  clams  am  'kase  he  don't  noe  how  to 
open  'em.  His  skin  lay  on  him  back  wid  all  de  ease  ob  a 
»  bed  quilt  promuskusly  trown  ober  an  empty  barrel  ob  sider, 


134  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

and  it  am  hard  as  de  hart  ob  a  ole  miser.  Musket  bullits 
fired  into  his  ribs,  insted  ob  hurtin'  him,  only  tickle  him  so 
dat  it  set  him  a  laffin',  and  de  balls  'bound  back  on  de 
shooter,  jis  like  a  big  lie  'bound  back  in  de  face  ob  de  liar 
and  slanderer.  De  bess  way  to  cotch  dese  fellers  (de  rinos- 
sinhosses)  am  to  get  behind  dem  and  dob  molasses  on  dar 
little  tails,  and  when  dey  turn  dere  heds  'round  to  lick  it  off, 
jis  trow  a  rope  ober  it,  and  lasseso  him,  as  dey  do  de  mad 
bmls  in  Mexico,  and  den  you  got  em  foul. 

Brudder  Tom  Huskings  will  please  pass  'round  de  usual 
sasser,  and  keep  he  big  blue  eyes  from  peepin'  under  de 
bonnets  ob  de  fair  sex. 


LECTURE  XLI. 

WHAT  WE   ALL  WANT. 

MY  DEAR  WOOLEY  HEADS  : 

DE  subjick  dat  I  is  choosed  for  my  tex  dis  ebening, 
am  one  ob  great  interest  to  dis  community.  It  am  somefin 
you  am  all  seekin  arter,  but  nebber  fine  ;  you  offen  tiiik  you 
noe  whar  de  little  joker  am,  but  you  noe  sooner  put  your 
finger  on  it,  dan  he  arn'ent  dar.  Darfore  I  shall  draw  my 
discord  on  de  subjick  ob — 

HAPPYNESS. 

Happyness,  my  perspirin  frens,  am  de  ting  dat  all  man- 
kine  am  arter,  and  human  natur  made  man  so  different,  de 


WHAT    WE    ALL    WANT.  135 

one  from  de  odder,  dat  what  am  one  man's  happyness  am 
anudder-  man's  ratsbane  ;  and  so  it  am  in  de  wegetable 
kingdom  and  'mong  de  insex.  De  clam  am  'puted  to  be 
happy  on  a  sand  bank  at  high  water,  and  a  bee  am  sed  to 
fine  happyness  in  a  tar  barrel,  but  dat's  not  to  say  dat  a 
cullored  man  would  feel  happy  a  rollin  in  a  tar  barrel  on  de 
beach  at  Coney  Island.  De  young  look  for  it  in  de  marriage 
life,  and  de  old  look  for  it  in  de  grabeyard,  but  I  don't  look 
for  it  in  eder  ob  dese  speres  ob  life. 

My  ignorant  hearers,  I  is,  on  dis  berry  'portant  'casion, 
gwane  to  tell  you  what  I  consider  constipates  happiness.  It 
am  a  clar  conshence  and  a  full  stomach  ;  not  too  full  ob  de 
latter,  but  de  former  may  be  as  pure  and  clar  as  monshine. 
It  am  a  glorious  ting  to  hab  a  clar  conschence  so  you  can 
lay  down  at  nite  and  tink  dat  you  hab  not  injured  nor  ronged 
nobody  all  day.  Den  it  am  dat  you  can  roll  yourseff  up  in 
de  sheet  ob  contentment  and  de  blanket  ob  innosence,  and 
sleep  and  snore  in  your  wartuos  beds  wid  all  de  sassegefac- 
shun  ob  a  hog  in  a  mud  hole  ;  and  den  in  de  mornin  wen 
you  wake  up,  you  can  walk  forth  in  all  your  strength  ob 
manhood  (I  don't  mean  smellin  strength),  and  am  not 
afeard  to  look  you  feller  man  plump  in  de  face.  Dat's  de 
happyness  I  enjoy.  But  how  different  am  it  wid  sum  ob 
you  fellers  dat  will  steal  chickens  and  sich  tings  !  You  lay 
down  at  nite  wid  your  hed  cubbered  wid  de  bed-close  for 
fear  de  policeman  cotch  you,  and  den  all  day  you  keep  dog- 
g-in  'round  de  corners  in  dread  and  fear  ob  de  same  anamals. 
1  recomlect  many  years  ago  how  I  felt  arter  I  had  stolen 
somefin  ;  it  was  one  nite  when  my  fadder  and  my  modder 
wus  gone  to  bed,  dat  I  cum  home  late  from  a  huskin  frolic 
dat  ole  master  Wanramseller  gib  to  de  darkeys  on  de  plan- 
tashun,  and  wen  I  lit  de  candle  to  go  to  bed,  I  foun  a  bas- 
kit  ob  clams  dat  fadder  hab  bin  and  cotched  in  de  arter- 


136  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

noon  ;  well  I  sot  down  de  candle  and  went  at  de  clams  and 
put  'em  away  mitey  fass,  till  I  eat  'em  a  moss  all  op,  and 
den  I  go  to  bed  ;  but  I  cudn't  sleep,  I  role  and  tumbled  all 
nite  like  a  empty  barrel  on  de  brinary  osun  ;  I  tink  wat  de 
debil  am  de  matter  !  kase  I  begin  to  feel  suffin  queer  in  de 
bread  basket,  when  all  at  wonce  I  taut  I  bin  eatin  a  moss  a 
hundred  stolen  clams,  and  dey  lay  like  a  leaden  anker  on  my 
conschence,  and  dey  did  hurt  me  like  beeswax.  My  groans 
'sturbe  de  ole  woman  ;  she  ax  me  wat  ails  me,  I  tole  her, 
and  she  say  it  surbed  me  rite,  and  wood  larn  me  not  to 
meddle  wid  odder  peepel's  clams  agin.  I  got  skeard,  and 
rushed  out  ob  de  house,  model  artist  as  I  was,  and  run  to 
Dr.  Bunsby's.  Dis  doctor  was  an  Alapackest,  and  he  bled 
me  at  once,  and  den  gib  me  a  dose  or  two  ob  sirrup  ob  swill 
and  ruebub,  and  by  daylite  I  got  ober  it.  It  was  a  awful 
nite,  and  it  lamed  me  de  wallue  of  a  clar  conschence. 

My  frens,  if  you  wish  to  be  happy  in  dis  world,  do  all  de 
good  you  can  to  de  poor,  speak  kine  to  every  body,  ef  it  am 
only  a  dog.  Don't  decibe,  and  lie  to  your  frens  ;  put  as 
much  as  you  kan  in  de  sasser  every  week,  and  don't  eat  raw 
clams  to  any  'xtent  at  bed  time,  wedder  dey  am  stolen  or 
not,  and  I  tink  you  capstan  a  far  chance  not  only  ob  bein 
happy  in  dis  world,  but  you  will  occupy  a  snug  place  in 
Abraham's  bosom,  providin'  he  takes  niggers  in  dat  spacious 
apartment. 

I  is  'sprised  to  fine  wun  or  two  ob  de  sisters  hab  'dopted 
de  wulgar  new  Turkey  trowsers  and  Ingin  woman's  straw 
hats,  which  Missus  Hickery  Smith  hab  been  lecturin  on.  I 
tink  it  wood  do  well  anuff  for  de  young  sisters,  but  wat 
ebber  put  it  into  de  hed  ob  ole  fat  Ice  Cream  Anty  Clawson 
to  put  on  her  ole  man's  trowses  and  broad  tale  soger  coat, 
wat  he  used  to  wear  wen  he  blow'd  de  base  drum  in  do 
nigger  band  years  ago,  am  a  mistery  to  my  calcnlatin' 


VISIT   TO   THE    PRESIDENT.  181 

functions.  She  look  so  like  a  ole  obcrgrown  Rang  Otang 
dat  she  make  ebbry  body  laff  rite  out  in  meetin.  Ef  she 
cum  here  agin  in  her  "new  custume"  as  she  calls  it,  I'll 
'xpose  her  to  de  hole  congregashun. 

Brudder  Slofeel  will  'xceed  in  showin  dat  new  five  dollar 
suit  he  got  on,  ef  he  will  hab  de  perlashness  to  pass  round 
de  usual  sasser,  and  let  him  remember  I'm  watchin  dem 
tievin  irons  ob  his'n  all  de  time. 


LECTURE  XLII. 

VISIT  TO   THE    PRESIDENT. 

FELLOE  DISCIPLES  : 

I  is  sorry  to  hab  to  pear  afore  you  in  de  shape  ob  an 
'pology,  but  de  fact  am  I  hab  bin  so  bizzy  wid  one  ting  and 
annudder  sence  I  lass  spoke  to  yon,  dat  I  had  not  hab  time 
to  fix  np  a  lectur  on  any  siantific  subjeck.  Sarcumstanccs 
hab  followed  sarcumstances  in  sich  rapid  suckseshun,  jist  like 
de  cars  on  'de  railroad  track,  dat  my  mind  hab  bin  'tirely 
prostitute. 

De  fust  suckemstance  dat  aifect  me  was  de  rible  ob 
Massa  Foolmore,  de  presemdent  ob  dis  mitey  nation,  kase 
you  see  I  hab  a  little  bizness  wid  him  dat  'quire  specific  atten 
tion.  I  called  on  him  once  at  de  wite  house  in  Washing 
ton  ;  bnt  it  happened  to  be  wash  day,  and  I  found  Mrs. 
Foolmore  bizzy  washin,  and  she  was  cros  as  blazes  bekase  I 
cotched  her  widout  her  Sunday  dress  on,  so  Massa  Fool- 
more  tipped  me  de  wink,  and  he  gib  me  sixpence  to  drink  he 
helf  wid,  and  tole  me  to  call  agin.  I  tanked  him  soderi- 
fously,  and  promised  to  do  de  same  which  he  'spress  ;  but 


I 

138  BLACK   DIAMONM. 

my  ardent  bizness  led  me  to  git  back  to  de  norf  by 
de  nex  train.  So  I  nebber  call  on  Massa  Foolmore 
arter  dat,  till  he  'ribed  hear  lass  Tuesday,  when  tinking  it 
my  duty,  I  went  down  to  de  Irwing  House  and  ring  de  bell. 
A  cullored  man,  behind  a  big  pair  ob  mustachoes  and  a  wite 
apron,  opened  de  doe,  and  in  a  gruffy  woise  ax'd  me  "  wat  I 
wanted  at  dat  doe,"  and  "  why  I  didn't  go  to  de  kitchen 
doe  ?"  I  laff  at  he  imperence,  and  told  him  I  was  a  friend 
ob  de  presemdent,  and  dat  I  wished  to  spoke  wid  him. 

"  Don't  belibe  it,"  sed  de  dandy  nigger,  "  but  you  km 
send  your  caird  up,  and  if  he  sez  you  kin  come  up,  I'll  'scorch 
you  to  de  rooms." 

Well  den  I  was  in  a  fix.  I  neber  did  hab  eny  cairds  wid 
iny  name  on  in  partickilyer,  and  I  was  for  a  minit  put  to  an 
unblush,  but  all  at  once  I  remembered  dat  I  had  a  pack  ob 
cairds,  in  my  coat  tail  pocket  dat  I  took  away  from 
Sam  Lipley,  Guss  Trealms,  Joe  Sampson  and  Dave  Kinney, 
when  I  found  dem  down  by  Caffrine  market  playing  bluff  on 
a  barrel  head  lass  Sunday  nite,  in  de  moonshine,  so  takin 
out  de  Jack  ob  Spades  I  rote  my  name  dus,  J.  C.  Hanner- 
Bull,  and  gib  it  to  de  cullored  pusson.  He  showed  his  ivo 
ries  clear  'cross  he  face,  and  sauntered  up  stairs.  In 
a  minit  I  hear  Massa  Foolmore's  woise  wich  say,  "Show  her 
up."  Den  I  hear  de  waiter  say,  "Itaint  a  she.  It  am  a 
he."  "  Get  out,"  say  de  Presemdent,  "  de  caird  sez  it's 
Hanner  Bull,  send  her  up." 

"  Shill  I  send  up  de  pusson  dat  rote  dat  name  on  de 
caird  ?"  axed  de  waiter. 

"  Presisely,"  said  Massa  Foolmore,  and  in  anudder  minnit 
I  was  at  de  doe.  I  gin  a  Rochester  nock  wid  my  fist,  and 
de  doe  was  opened  by  de  Presemdent  heseff,  who  was  more 
den  delited  to  see  me.  He  shook  hands  wid  me,  and  'wited 
me  to  take  a  seat.  I  sot  down  and  we  hab  a  long  confab 


VISIT   TO  THE   PRESIDENT.  139 

togedder  'bout  de  nation  and  tings  in  general,  not  General 
Tings.  Arter  axin  me  many  quisshuns  'bout  Brudder  Tap- 
pin,  My  Coon  Smith  and  odder s  ob  less  note,  he  sed  he 
wished  to  ax  me  'bout  a  class  ob  community  which  he  alers 
took  a  great  interest  in,  and  he  blibed  dad  he  had  a  good 
many  frends  'mong  dem,  and  thought  I  node  more  'bout  dem 
d^n  odder  people.  "  To  wot  class  do  you  'lude,"  I  ax'd 
wid  impatients,  seeing  how  interested  he  was  on  de  subjeck. 

"  DE  NEW  BOYS,"  said  he,  "  dey  spend  dere  short  exist 
ence  in  spreadin  abroad  de  lite  ob  siance." 

"  Dat's  a  fac,"  said  I,  "  dey  work  for  de  confusion  ob  use 
ful  nolage." 

"  Let  me  ax  you,  Mr.  Hannerbull,"  again  returned  he, 
insultin'  de  caird  which  he  held  wid  my  name  on,  "  Do  de 
newsboys  embrace  de  privilege  ob  usin  de  public  baffs, 
which  de  corporation  so  wisely  and  so  nobly  instituted  for 
dere  use,  and  for  de  use  ob  de  rest  ob  de  poor  folks  dat  hab 
to  lib  in  submarine  sellers  and  penned  up  apartments  ?" 

It  old  him  he  must  be  crazy,  kase  I  nebber  har  ob  dem 
baffs,  and  I  didn't  blibe  from  de  'pearance  ob  de  boys  dat 
eny  ob  dem  did  edder.  He  said  de  boys  should  be  looked 
arter,  kase  he  'spected  to  find  a  good  many  ob  dem  in  de 
"  House  "  in  a  few  years. 

I  ax'd  him  which  house  he  meant,  de  House  ob  Refuge, 
de  Poor  House,  or  de  Station  House.  Neder  ob  dem,  said 
he;  I  mean  de  House  ob  Congress.  I  tole  him  dat  news 
boys  was  found  all  ober  creation,  and  I  'spected  de  House 
ob  Congress  would  be  full  ob  dem. 

Den  he  axe  me  how  de  Picayune  get  along;  an  he  was 
'stonished  wen  I  tole  him  dat  obber  tirty-five  thousand 
copies  was  sold  weekly;  he  said  he  got  it  ebery  week  at  de 
Wite  House;  and  den  he  axed  me  confidenshely  if  I 
couldn't  stir  up  de  'Mare  to  keep  de  streets  a  little  clean, 


140  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

and  remarked  dat  he  was  'shamed  ob  de  condishun  ob  de 
city.  I  tole  him  dat  a  man  had  inwented  a  merchene  dat 
would  keep  de  streets  perfectly  clean  for  one  tird  wat  it 
now  cost  to  keep  dem  in  de  present  filty  state.  He  wanted 
to  noe  why  it  was  not  employed,  and  I  tole  him  de  truff, 
"  Bekase  it  can't  wote."  Arter  a  few  complimentary  'marks 
on  my  great  talents,  laming,  and  foolosophy,  he  'lowed  me  to 
take  my  deparchure  arter  exagtin  a  promise  to  call  on  him 
at  home  soon. 

On  de  fuss  ob  May  I  bin  mobin  my  quarters.  I  lib  now 
in  Tater  Peelin  Alley,  No.  9,  tird  floor,  back  room,  war  I 
keeps  bacheler  hall,  till  I  fine  a  likely  woman  for  de  mar 
riage  state.  Deacon  Flatsmeller  will  please  hand  'round 
de  sasser,  and  look  out  for  bad  specie. 


LECTURE  XLIII. 

PHRENOLOGY. 

SUSPECTED  WOOLLY  HEADS  : 

I  SHALL  dis  ebenin'  rebound  on  de  great  siance  of 

FREENOLOGY. 

Freenology  am  one  ob  de  moss  anshent  and  beutiful 
siances  in  de  hole  catalog  ob  learnin,  and  am  twin  sister  to 
Mesmerism.  Freenology  consists  in  gittin  'nolage  free,  like 
you  am  dis  ebening:  it  was  fust  discubered  in  de  free  schools, 
and  was  always  looked  'pon  by  de  larned  as  bein  closely 
connected  wid  "  E  pluribus  Unum." 


PHRENOLOGY.  141 

In  order  to  fully  'splain  my  seff  on  dis  'portant  siance,  I 
went  to  de  slawghter  house,  up  in  Christy  street,  and  got 
dis  skull.  It  was  emposable  for  me  to  get  de  bed  ob  de 
human  body  at  the  Horsepital,  so  I  hab  to  use  dis  sheep's 
head,  which  no  doubt  will  answer  de  same  purpos,  'kase  it 
hab  got  de  wool  on. 

De  fust  bump  in  a  cullered  man's  hed — and  it  taint  no 
use  bodderin  'bout  enny  odder  man's  hed — am  siterated  on 
de  top,  and  called  by  de  siantifick  de  cokanut  bump;  dis 
bump  lays  in  a  triangular  form  ober  de  bump  of  don't-care- 
a-d — n-ativeness,  which  ebery  black  man's  hed  am  fully 
blessed  wid;  some  ob  de  lower  order  ob  cullered  men  hab 
got  de  bump  of  ori-gin-ality,  which  renders  dem  'septable 
ob  drinkin  bad  gin  made  up  into  slings  and  toddies.  But, 
my  stingy  frens,  I  warn  you  to  stop  dis  sling  biziness,  or 
else  you  will  sling  youseffs  into  de  place  whar  de  brimstone 
matches  am  made. 

De  bump  dat  am  moss  cultiwated  in  de  cullered  man  hed, 
am  call'd  on  Fowler  &  "Wells'  map  ob  de  brane,  "  Amative- 
ness."  Dis  am  de  bump  dat  plays  de  debil  wid  de  fair  sex, 
bekase  dat  am  whar  Kupid  springs  from;  dis  bump  lays  in 
de  back  ob  de  neck,  near  de  coat  collar;  it  am  call'd  de 
bump  ob  lub!  "Wat  am  all  de  sisters  feelin  in  de  back  ob 
deir  necks  for  ?  Wy!  dere  am  not  one  in  dis  hole  assem- 
blige  dat  cood  tell  it  if  dey  had  it  as  largely  enweloped  as 
Professor  Maffit!  It  am  dis  bump  whar  all  de  selfishness 
and  wickedness  ob  mankind  lays;  and  I  wood  say  a  word 
to  dem  fellers  as  hab  got  an  ober  quantity  ob  it.  Look  out 
how  you  fool  you  time  'round  de  opposite  sex,  kase  wen  you 
fall  in  lub  dis  bump  swells  to  such  an  'xtent  dat  it  ober- 
wellms  de  hole  brane,  common  sense  am  kicked  out  ob  de 
crainum,  and  lub  rain  'spreme  till  ebery  abenue  leadin  to  de 
soul  am  oberflow'd  wid  de  milk  ob  human  kindness,  and  it 


142  BLACK    DIAMOlTDi. 

takes  an  "  orfull  poletice,"  as  we  say  in  French,  to  traduce 
de  swell'd  bump  to  its  proper  size. 

Wats  all  de  sisters  laffin  'bout  ?  You  better  insult  your 
own  konshunce  and  see  ef  you  hadn't  better  laff  de  odder 
side  ob  your  rnouffs.  Sich  imperence  in  meetin  I  neber  did 
see! 

De  nex  fac  I  will  call  your  'tention  to  am  dis:  De  hed  ob 
man,  like  de  foot  ob  de  Hog,  am  diwided  into  two  parts ;  de 
front  part  am  whar  de  intellectual  orgins  am,  and  dis  part 
b'hind  de  ears  am  whar  de  anamal  propersishens  am;  dis 
part  ob  de  forehed  am  none^as  de  Horse-frunt-us,  or  frunt- 
all-bone,  b'kase  it  am  all  bone  and  in  de  frunt  ob  de  head, 
which  fully  'counts  for  de  nigger's  hed  bein  hard  'miff  to 
butt  down  de  stone  fence.  Sum  ob  de  pretenders  to  dis 
siance  hab  'serted  dat  de  brane  lays  here,  but  wen  dey  probe 
to  me  dat  de  brane  am  bone  den  I  will  side  wid  dem,  and 
not  afore.  De  bump  ob  "Benebolence"  am  sitemated  on 
de  top  ob  dis,  but  I  don't  see  dat  stickin  out  werry  excrusi- 
atin  on  enny  ob  your  heds;  but  I  may  be  mistaken,  and  wen 
de  sasser  goes  'round  de  fac  will  probe  itseff. 

"  Combatavness  "  am  found  mitey  big  in  de  cullered  race. 
It  lays  'long  side  ob  "  Firmness,"  which  bump  am  'lustrated 
on  de  map  by  de  jackass,  which  shows  how  much  easyer  it 
am  to  coax  dan  to  dribe.  Some  people  hab  got  bigger 
bumps  dan  odders,  and  dis  am  de  way  you  will  find  it  out : 
s'pose  you  hab  a  squarrell  wid  a  man  and  you  call  him  a 
liar,  and  he  sez,  "Ef  you  call  me  dat  twice  more  I'll  smack 
you  cross  de  chops."  Dat  man  hab  got  combataveness  small, 
but  ef  at  de  moment  dat  you  call  de  man  a  liar,  yon  find 
youseff  a  rollin  in  de  gutter  win  you  nose  split  open,  you 
may  make  up  your  mind  dat  it  sticks  out  on  dat  man's  head 
so  big  you  can  hang  your  hat  on  it. 

"  Cautiousness  "  am  putty  well  enweloped  too  in  collored 


PHRENOLOGY.  143 

man,  and  dat  de  reazin  dey  lub  to  hunt  de  same  ole  coon  ; 
dey  kreep  kaushisly  'long  de  fence  till  dey  git  rite  under 
whar  he  am  "  a  settin  on  a  rale,"  and  den  wid  telegrofick 
quickness  he  sezes  him  by  de  tail  and  trows  him  on  de  ground. 
Dis  fac  has  'spired  de  poets  to  rite  songs  'bout  it  which  you 
all  noe  by  heart. 

"  Self  'steem"  am  sum  in  de  race  likewise;  also,  as  dere 
horror  ob  swasheatin  wid  de  wite  trash,  and  de  manner  in 
which  dey  "  steem  up  "  'kashionally,  fully  probes. 

"Imitation"  is  consnipcious  'mong  dem  too,  but  de  mon 
key  beats  dem  all  holler  in  dat  bump,  which  I  'sider  no  dis 
grace  to  de  monkey  tribe;  but  one  ob  de  biggest  bumps 
found  in  de  hole  bed  ob  de  decenters  ob  de  African  race, 
'cordin  to  de  work  ob  Brudder  Bill  Seaweed  on  Erective 
Franchise,  am  call'd  "  Alamentiveness."  Dis  am  de  bump 
dat  enables  a  feller  to  tell  wat  am  good  to  eat,  an  how  much 
he  ort  to  gormandize  at  a  time;  for  incstinck,  you  go  in  de 
seller  by  Caferine  Market,  and  you  see  a  man  call  for  a 
plate  ob  raw  clams  and  a  plate  ob  sassengers.  Well,  if  he 
eat  de  clams  and  leabe  de  sassengers,  den  he  got  de  small 
bump;  but  ef  he  eat  em  boff,  den  he  got  it  big.  Sum  nig- 
gars  got  it  mity  big,  dat  dey  not  oney  eat  up  de  clams  and 
sassengers,  but  call  for  a  plate  ob  pork  and  beans,  and  want 
it  "  most  all  pork,  and  a  good  deal  ob  beans,"  to  top  off 
wid.  I  call  dat  hog  eatin  hog. 

And  now  dat  I  see  I  got  you  all  in  de  noshun  ob  eatin,  I 
will  'smiss  you,  so  you  kin  go  home  and  get  a  cold  bite,  and 
wile  Brudder  Lem  Clawson  passes  round  de  sasser  I  will 
remark  dat  I  don't  want  nobody  to  ring  in  dem  new  free 
cent  pieces  on  me  for  a  "  fip,"  as  was  come  on  me  lass  week. 
I  don't  take  em  for  sixpence  no  how. 


144  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XLIV. 

MESMERISM. 

DARKENED  HEARERS  : 

It  gibs  me  joy  to  see  so  menny  ob  you  on  hand  dis 
ebenin.  As  de  wedder  grows  warmer  it  will  be  empossable 
for  you  all  to  crowd  into  dis  room,  unless  you  hab  a  'xtra- 
ordinary  supply  of  kalonge  water  and  essence  ob  pepper 
mint  'mong  your  clothes.  De  subject  dat  I  call  upon  my- 
seff  to  spoke  to  you  about  on  dis  'tickler  'caision  am  de  twin 
sister  to  Freenology,  which  Freenology  I  used  up  last  week 
all  to  nuffin.  I  shall  open  on  you  dis  time  on  de  great 
'fulgent  siance  of 

MUSSMERISM. 

Dis  ober  powerful  siance  hab  waked  up  de  hole  world, 
notwidstandin  it  am  de  sleepiest  subjick  in  de  hole  wokabu- 
lary  ob  nateral  fenomonens.  It  howebber  hab  nebber  bin 
found  out  properly,  nor  nebber  will  be,  I  speck,  till  some 
larn'd  cullcred  man  take  it  up  and  splanifys  de  whole  ting. 
Dr.  Cod's  hab  published  a  pulpit  on  de  subjick,  and  Pro 
fessor  Greeley  hab  used  it  and  heself  up  at  de  same  time, 
but  no  lite  wort  perservin  hab  been  shed  by  eder  ob  dese 
lunatics. 

Dr.  Cods  kontends  dat  Mussmerism  lays  in  de  brane  pan, 
wich  pan  lays  in  de  top  ob  de  hed,  wich  I  tink  seedingly 


ME&MERISM.  145 

like  de  fac,  kase  wen  a  man  lays  down  at  nite  to  sleep,  he 
head  lays  down  lopsided  too,  which  ob  cose  upsets  de  brane 
pan  and  spills  de  Mussmerism  all  ober  de  human  system  and 
puts  de  man  to  sleep  ;  dat  looks  nateral,^tnd  I  tink  ole 
Cods  am  rite.  You  museut  'spose,  you  poor  ignumram- 
pusses,  dat  Mussmerism  konsists  in  you  ebber  bein  reddy  to 
be  a  kickin  up  a  muss  wharebber  you  go,  jis  like  Mose  when 
he  runs  wicl  der  merchene,  kase  dat  kind  ob  siance  am  alto- 
gedder  different  from  de  siance  'spressed  in  my  tex. 

Mussmerism,  my  stingy  followers,  am  simply  de  art  of 
puttin  a  feller  creture  to  sleep,  an  keepin  him  'wake  at  de 
same  time.  It  am  jis  dis — 'spose  Pompey  Augustus  Mouldy- 
heel  dar,  de  barber's  cleark's  'sistant,  should  happen  to  noe 
whar  dar  was  a  dinner  pot  full  ob  Kalifornia  gold  buried, 
and  den  'spose  I  got  Pompey  in  a  chair,  and  arter  spokin 
some  latin  and  "lapsus  Hugo"  in  he  ear  to  sooff  his  fears, 
and  I  paw  ober  his  face  and  trow  de  telemgrafic  or 
magnitized  burning  fluid  ober  he  arms  and  odder  'xtremities, 
and  I  git  him  fasa  a  sleep — and  den  when  he  am  asleep, 
'spose  ole  Fronse  Ginger  dar,  de  clam  soup  merchant,  should 
pull  he  big  toe  and  ax  him  whar  de  dinner  pot  ob  money 
am,  an  den  Pompey  should  tell  him  so  he  kin  git  it — dat's 
Mussmerism. 

"  Wat's  dat  sister  Jonson  axes  ?" 

"  'Spose  Pompey  woodent  tell  'bout  de  money,  wat  wood 
dat  be  ?" 

"  Why,  I  should  kail  dat  de  blackest  kind  ob  niggerism." 

De  fungusmental  principals  of  Mussmerism  am  foun  in 
large  qwantities  in  de  'lectric  telemegraf,  an  am  konwayed 
tru  de  human  body  wid  all  de  liveliness  ob  a  fresh  bunch 
ob  eels  ;  it  am  a  scase  article  'mong  ole  maids  and  ole 
bachelors,  but  young  galls  and  boys  now  an  den  git  a  shock 
dat  brings  dem  togedder  like  an  arthquake  an  make  deir 

t 


146  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

hearts  flutter  like  a  newly  killed  chicken.  Wheu  it  'tacks 
de  human  body  dat  way  it  am  kall'd  by  us  larn'd  scollcrs 
Anamal  Magnitism,  for  de  simple  reason  dat  de  magnetic 
sluses  rush  true  de  canals  ob  de  body  like  de — de — de — 
like  de — like  fire. 

Now  you  all  noe  all  'bout  dis  'culiar  siance,  and  yon  kin 
hold  your  heads  up  proud  as  a  lucifer  match  merchant. 

De  collecshun  lass  week,  owin  to  de  introcumducshun  ob 
de  tree  cent  pieces,  was  not  suffishent  to  pay  my  washwo 
man.  Ef  you  dont  chip  up  enny  better,  previous  to  dis 
I  shall  be  'pelled  to  anser  a  berry  loud  call  from  de 
Souff,  dat  I  recebe  lass  week. 

I  am  'quested  to  state  to  dis  congregashun  dat  dere  am 
gwane  to  be  a  ball-  next  Saturday  nite  at  Taller  Cuff's 
seller,  nie  ole  Bare  Market,  and  short-heel'd  Jake  hab 
learned  de  dance  kall'd  de  poker,  and  auodder  one  dey  kail 
de  shotteef,  which  he  'poses  to  teach  to  some  ob  de  ladies 
on  dat  casion.  Sam  Ticklip  will  be  dar  wid  he  five  dollar 
fiddle.  No  refreshments  sarbed  up  widout  de  tree  cents 
'company  each  order  for  de  same.  Clam  soup  will  be  serbed 
up  in  tree  corses — once  widout  crackor,  once  wid  crackor, 
and  once  widout  crackor.  Dancin  commence  at  early  can- 
dellite,  an'  I  am  expectedly  inwited  to  be  present,  and  if 
Florinda  Jacobes  will  sustain  my  company,  I  shall  be  dar 
jis  to  keep  tings  all  strate.  I  don't  tink  dar  am  enny  harm 
in  dancin,  so  long  as  you  pay  de  fideler,  prowidin'  you  don't 
dance  for  eels  Sunday  mornins  down  by  de  fish  markets. 

While  de  hand  orgin  am  playin  de  useal  ducksholiday,  I 
will  pass  round  de  sasser  myseff  dis  time,  kase  I  is  mity 
short,  and  I  jis  want  to  see  who  puts  in  de  plate  and  who 
does  not. 


ON   PROVIDENCE.  141 


LECTURE  XLV. 

ON   PROVIDENCE. 


MY  WOOLLY  HEADS: 

I  is  gwane  to  spoke  to  you  dis  ebenin'  'bout 

PROVENDENCE. 

Now,  when  I  say  Provendence,  you  must  not  'spose  dat  I 
mean  a  steainbote  ob  dat  name,  nor  de  city  dat  bears  dat 
apperation,  dat  lays  a  little  to  de  leff  ob  de  Sound,  which  de 
trabbler  hears  in  de  East  ribber,  as  he  ascendingly  goes 
down  to  Boston.  De  Provendence  I  mean  sends  us  de 
bread  and  butter  to  eat.  de  cold  water  to  drink,  and  now 
and  den  de  sassengers  and  root  beer,  and  odder  'freshments. 
Yes,  my  frens,  de  Provendence  I  mean  am  a  frend  to  de 
hole  human  race ;  he  makes  no  extinctshun  atwixt 
de  cullored  peeples  and  de  wites,  and  derefore  am  to  be  fully 
trusted  in  at  all  times,  kase  he  am  sure  to  fetch  all  tings 
rite  and  tite  in  tune. 

Who  sed  "Hallumlujah  ?"  Look  here,  my  suspected 
frens,  I  don't  want  no  brudder  nor  sister  to  interrupt  me  by 
sich  spokins  out  in  meetin  as  dat,  kase  it  trous  de  kar  ob 
thort  off  de  trac  ob  my  diskord,  and  smashes  my  ideas  all  to 
a  poultice,  or  a  pumice,  it's  all  de  same. 

Spoken  ob  Provendence  fetches  to  ray  doddle  an  ole  story 
dat  a  ole  Verginia  darkey  tole  me  when  I  was  a  chile. 

You  must  noe,  on  a  plantation  at  de  Souff,  whar  de  pos- 


148  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

sum  and  de  sugar  kane  grow,  dar  was  an  ole  lazy  nigger 
dat  dey  call  Provendence,  'kase  he  come  dere  in  de  middle 
ob  de  nite  time,  and  none  ob  de  odder  niggers  node  whar  he 
come  'from,  and  dey  war  told  Massa  Provendence  sent  him, 
derefore  dey  named  him  Provendence.  Well,  dere  was 
anudder  nigger  on  de  plantation  dat  dey  kall'd  Tune,  'kase 
he  was  always  wistlin  some  new  tune  which  he  make  out  ob 
he  own  hed,  and  den  he  would  play  dem  on  de  banjo  in  de 
ebenin,  arter  de  day's  work  war  ober. 

Well,  Tune  and  Provendence  greate  frens  togedder,  sharein 
ebery  ting  dey  got  ('septin  de  lickins  Provendence  got  for 
he  lazyness).  Well,  de  ole  massa  seein'  wat  a  good,  fait- 
less  nigger  Tune  was,  wanted  to  gin  him  his  freedom  ;  but  he 
found  dat  sich  a  sementin  frenship  'xisted  twene  dem  dat  a 
separation  would  be  likely  to  probe  fatal  to  boff,  so  he  told 
dem  dat  if  dey  jintly  would  urn  so  much  obber  work  in  a 
gibin  time,  dey  boff  should  be  free.  Dat  make  'em  smile 
berry  loud,  and  kick  up  dere  heels  for  joy. 

Well,  in  order  to  get  de  work  done  in  time,  Tune  'posed 
to  Provendence  to  steal  de  march  on  de  old  Massa,  and 
work  on  de  Sunday  ;  but  Provendence  was  too  lazy  to  work 
week  days,  let  alone  Sundays,  derefore  poor  Tune  hab  to  do 
all  de  offer  work  heseff.  Well,  one  Sunday  ole  Massa  hab 
gone  to  church,  and  Tune  was  workin'  in  de  field  by  de  rode 
side,  and  Provendence  was  loafin'  on  a  haystack,  sunnin' 
heseff,  when  an  ole  wite  mishenary  preecher  man,  who  was  a 
passin'  on  horseback,  rode  up  to  Tune  and  axed  him  "  Why  he 
worked  on  de  sabbeff  ?" 

"  Kase,  said  Tune,  "  ole  Massa  sed  if  we  git  so  much 
ober  work  done  in  sich  a  time  he  would  gib  us  free,  and  den 
you  noe  we  kin  raise  de  debil  as  much  as  we  like,  and  stay 
out  arter  nine  o'clock,  too." 

"  Ah,"  said  de  preecher  man,  "  freedom  am  worff  workin' 


ON   PROVIDENCE.  149 

fur,  sartinly  ;  but  don't  you  tink  you  could  'complish  de 
work  by  workin'  a  little  longer  each  day  ob  de  week  ?" 

"  No,  sar-ee,"  said  Tune,  "  kudent  do  dat  no  how." 

"  I  tink  you  kood,"  sed  de  wite  man,  "  'spose  you  try  dis 
week  kummin  in,  and  put  your  trust  in  Provendence !" 

Well,  when  he  told  him  dat,  Tune  tort  he  was  a  foolin' 
him,  and  he  got  mad,  and  swor'd,  and  sed,  "  Provendence  be 

d d  ;  he'm  de  lazyest  nigger  on  de  hole  plantation,  and 

if  I  trust  to  him  we  nebber  get  free  in  de  world.  Go  long 
wid  yer  ;  you  don't  noe  who  you  am  a-talkin'  to." 

You  see  by  dis  fack  wat  it  am  to  noe  which  Provendence 
it  am  to  trust  to. 

I  am  quested  to  state  to  dis  congregashun  dat  de  row  at 
de  ball  in  de  seller  lass  Saterday  nite  was  not  owin'  to  Sam 
Fugleson  'sultiii  Pacilla  Emerline  Stubbs.  It  was  casioned 
by  Joe  Knothead  spitin'  on  Clem  Tuker's  new  patent  ledder 
shiny  shoes.  I  was  dere  myseff  till  some  bad  nigger  put  de 
lites  out.  If  I  eber  kotch  de  feller  done  it  I'll  make  him 
sweep  out  de  lectur  room  for  a  month  for  notin',  and  pay  me 
a  fine  ob  haff  a  dollar.  Brudder  Bumpton  will  please  hand 
'round  de  sasser. 


• 


150  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XLVI. 

ON   LOVE. 

BLUBED  SISTERS  : 

I  SHALL  spoke  to  you  in  particelyer  dis  ebening,  habin 
been  inquested  by  Sister  Florinda  M.  Meltum,  to  lectur  on 
de  popular  subjick  ob 

LUB. 

But  I  am  rudder  fareful  dat  I  is  too  much  unacquainted 
wid  de  'fects  ob  lub  to  fully  deamonstrate  dis  all  absurdin 
pashun. 

Lub  my  shemail  hearers,  belongs  to  no  ked'entry  or 
climate  ;  it  am  like  genus  and  talent,  sent  to  us  in  de  mid 
dle  ob  de  nite  time,  when  we  don't  noe  notin,  nor  do  we  noe 
dat  we  got  it  till,  like  de  small  pox,  sukemstances  brings  it 
out ;  but  de  warmer  de  climate  am,  de  hotter  de  lub  will  be 
ob  korse  ;  Lub  am  ruff  like  de  megnut  grater,  or  de  skin  ob 
de  pine  apple,  and  it  hab  nebber  been  none  to  run  smoff  in 
its  korse  sence  ole  Adam  and  Ebe  was  kicked  out  ob  Para- 
dice.  De  poets  sez  dat  music  am  de  feed  ob  lub,  but  it 
don't  foller  dat  music  dealers  am  all  de  time  in  lub  no  more 
dan  it  dus  dat  peeple  who  sell  pork  and  beans,  or  clam 
soup,  am  always  hungry. 

I  nebber  was  in  lub  myseff  but  gis  wunce,  and  dat  was 
when  I  war  berry  young  and  foolish  'nuff  to  'spose  I  could 
hab  every  ting  in  dis  selestial  world  gis  as  I  wanted  dem, 
but  sad  experience  hab  nocked  dat  idea  out  ob  my  ole  head 
years  ago. 


f-^-v  <?*•  i^i 
£'--.:Y'"-   ^£S3pr 


Love  and  Ee!s. 


ON    LOVE.  151 

You  must  noe  dat  de  kustoms  ob  de  peeple  in  de  ked'entry 
am  berry  different  from  dose  in  de  city,  kase  dey  aint  got  no 
"  kustom  house"  to  regemlate  de  kustoms  for  em,  and  kouse- 
quently  you  often  find  young  girls  in  de  ked'entry  as  inno- 
sent  as  blazes.  Well,  it  was  my  lot,  in  my  boyhound  days 
to  come  across  wun  ob  de  kind  I  'luded  to  in  de  lass 
claws. 

It  was  a  moonshiny  nite,  and  I  was  a  settin  in  de  boat  on 
de  ribber  a  bobbin  for  eels,  when  I  spied  her  a  setCin  on  de 
bank  ob  de  ribber  a  washin  her  feet.  Oh,  hallemlujah  ! 
didn't  I  feel  quere  !  De  eels  kept  a  bitin  at  my  bob  while 
lub  kept  a  nockin  at  my  heart  and  pluck  ;  she  was  de  lub- 
liest  creatur  I  ebber  seed  (present  company  allers  sus 
pected)  ;  her  eyes  shine  like  two  new  silber  dollars  bound 
round  wid  black  velvet :  and  her  gum  elastic  lip  open  and 
shut  on  a  row  ob  teef  dat  shine  like  bull  dogs  in  a  tunder 
shower,  .and  her  smile  was  like  de  sparkle  ob  de  litening  bug 
as  he  sales  tru  de  florifous  air,  her  form  was  graceless  and 
faultful.  Oh !  I  nebber  shall  forgit  dat  uite  ;  de  hot 
flushesh  shot  tru  and  tru  my  wains,  and  de  cold  swet  stood 
on  my  forehead  like  de  big  rain  drops  ob  de  April  shower  ; 
wun  time  I  tort  she  was  a  gwane  to  spoke  to  me,  and  I  held 
my  breff  to  cotch  de  sound,  and  den  she  didn't  say  notin, 
but  kept  a  danglin  her  feet  in  de  water,  and  den  all  at 
wunce,  when  I  tort  she  was  a  gwane  to  sleep,  she  axed  me 
in  de  moss  elemfant  manner,  "  If  I  had  enny  luck  ?" 

"Yes,  indeed,"  sed  I  ;  "I  kotch  two  raity  big  eels  afore 
you  kirn,  but  from  de  minit  I  seed  yoa  I  kudent  bott  no 
more." 

"  Wat's  de  reason  ?"  she  axed. 

I  told  her  "  I  didn't  noe,  but  dat  it  was  a  fac  what  I  say 
to  you." 

"Well,"  sed  she, 


152  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  Ef  you  aint  agoin  to  bob  no  mo', 
You  best  put  up  you  line  and  come  asho'." 

I  didn't  want  a  second  inwite,  so  I  skull'd  ashore  and  tide 
de  boat  fass,  and  as  I  was  gis  gwane  to  pick  up  my  eels  to 
take  em  home,  she  put  her  lubly  arms  'round  my  neck,  and 
lookin  me  full  in  de  face,  like  a  lion  looks  at  de  piece  ob  raw 
meat,  she  whispered — 

"  Luff  de  eels  be, 
And  talk  to  me." 

Well,  den  I  felt  wusser  dan  ebber,  and  in  an  ungarded 
moment  I  'lowed  myseff  to  set  down  on  de  bank  and  make 
lub  to  her.  Dar  am  no  use  ob  my  tryin  to  tell  you  how 
highfalutiu  I  felt  on  dat  'tickler  'casion,  kase  I  kudent  do  it ; 
I  tort  dar  was  a  flock  ob  pigeons  in  my  westcoat  all  a  flut- 
terin  to  get  out. 

Wat's  dat  cross-eyed  sister  ober  dar  along  side  long  Cudjo 
a  laffin  at  ?  she'd  better  quit  sich  goins  on  in  meetin  ;  it's 
abdamable  ! 

Well,  we  staid  dar  till  a  late  hour,  and  den  I  went  home 
haff  crazy  arter  dat  gal  ;  but  fate  isshued  a  specific  order 
dat  we  should  not  get  married,  kase  it  was  oney  a  week 
arter  dat,  dat  she  war  taken  wid  a  coal  in  de  hed,  mingled 
wid  de  yaller  janders  and  de  small-pox  tinged  wid  de  mezles 
and  consumption,  and  notwidstaudin  de  doctor  man  gub 
her  moss  a  haff  a  barrel  ob  medicine  in  two  or  tree  doses, 
she  continued  to  git  no  better  fass,  and  on  de  ninf  day  de 
sliip«feyer  took  a  round  turn  in  her  system,  a  strong  appetite 
set  in,  and — and  dat  nite  at  2  o'clock  in  de  mornin  she 
died.  *  *  Two  days  arter  we  berried  her  on  de  bank  ob 
de  stream,  at  ebening,  while  de  cool  heifers  gently  wandered 
tru  de  trees — and  dus  ended  my  fuss  and  last  lub  scrape. 

Dose  ob  de  sistern  dat  didn't  bring  pocket-hanshings  wid 


ON    LOVE.  153 

dem  dis  erening,  not  'spectin  so  'fectin  a  discord,  ken  hab 
mine  to  dry  dar  tears  wid ;  it  am  a  big  one  sent  to  me  by 
de  Daucus  'Siety,  and  hem'd  by  Sister  C.  Coal. 

From  wat  little  I  nose  ob  lub,  I  'warn  you  all  ob  boff 
sexes  to  beware  ob  its  influence.  It  will  upset  you  kalcu- 
lashun  apparatus  quicker  dan  enny  ting  in  de  world  ;  it  will 
make  you  as  pale  and  flimsey  as  a  wet  dish  cloff ;  it  libs  on 
moonshine  and  music,  and  de  'mortal  posel  Shakespare  sez 
dat  it 

"  Fattens  'pon  wat  it  feeds  on," 

in  his  song  book  ob  "  Oteller,"  and  I  noe  ob  noe  'fecshun 
dat  will  bring  a  feller  down  so  quick  as  an  ober  quantity  ob 
dis  lub  ;  but  de  world  kudent  git  'long  widout  it,  kase  it  ain 
de  mainspring  dat  regemlates  de  works  ob  all  nations,  and 
am  found  in  large  and  small  quantities  in  de  bosoms  ob 
ebery  body,  and  you  can  allers  tell  who  hab  got  de  most  ob 
it  by  deir  action  to  deir  nabors.  Lub  am  de  noblest  senti 
ment  ob  de  sole,  and  I  agin  'wise  you  to  lub  wun  anodder,  be 
kind  to  all  'round  you,  and  wen  you  get  on  you  Sunday  go 
to  meetin  close  don't  turn  up  your  nose  at  dem  who  don't 
look  quite  so  smart  as  you  do,  kase  it  shows  a  wicked  heart 
whar  lub  neber  enters — kindness  cost  notin,  and  it  am, 
'culiarly  pleasant,  'specially  to  your  worthy  lecturer. 

Sam  Bucklip  will  please  pass  'round  de  useal  sasser — kul- 
lecshun  berry  slim  lass  week. 


7* 


154  BLACK  DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XLVIL 

FUTURE  PUNISHMENT. 

DELUDED  DISCIPLES: 

IN  quensiconse  ob  bein  inquested  by  a  brudder,  who 
signs  his  inquest  "  Water  St.,"  to  lectur  on  de  subject  ob 

FUTURE    PUNISHMENT    OR   DE   LASS   DAT, 

I  hab  'eluded  to  do  so  on  dis  refulgent  'casion.  It  is  not 
my  'tention  or  wish  to  lectur'  on  eny  religius  subjicks,  but  to 
please  dis  brudder  I  do  so  for  dis  wunce  <Jnly. 

Dar  am  so  many  different  'nominations  dat  blibe  in  such  a 
contrast  ob  future  punishment,  dat  it  puzzles  eben  a  man  ob 
my  deep  larnin,  expended  foolosophy  and  manure  judgment, 
to  gib  eny  ting  like  a,  solid  chunk  ob  an  'pinion  on  de  matter. 

One  'nomination  blibe  dat  de  wicked  go  to  a  big  lake  dat 
am  burnin  constantly  wid  fire  and  brimstone,  and  runs  in 
streams  ob  liquid  hot  lead ;  dis  lake  am  sed  to  be  surround 
ed  by  de  mountains  ob  sin  and  misery,  so  dar's  no  'scape. 

Anudder  sect  tink  it  am  a  hotter  place  dan  de  rest,  and 
not  sassagefried  wid  de  fire  and  brimstone,  wish  to  mix  in  a 
quantity  ob  assafidity  and  kiam  pepper,  gist  to  make  it  dis- 
tingaree  from  de  place  dat  de  first  'nomination  blibe  in. 

A  fird  sect  tink  dar  am  two  orfull  places  ob  dis  kind  ; 
wun  dey  call  purgetory,  and  de  odder  dey  paint  out  to  be 
as  hot  as  lu-b  in  August.  Dis  lass  place  am  for  murderers, 
tieves,  and  sich  fellers,  and  de  odder  am  for  hipocrits,  wite 
liars,  loafers,  lawyers  and  actors. 

A  fourth  'nomination  discaird  all  dis  kind  ob  punishment 


FUTURE    PUNISHMENT.  155 

and  blibe  dat,  like  de  man  in  tite  boots,  we  recibe  our  pun 
ishment  as  we  go  along. 

Ole  Mr.  Sweetzenbugger  sez  dat  wen  we  lebe  dis  atmost- 
fear  we  go  to  annudder  and  lib  wid  kindid  spirits,  so  ob 
korse  cullored  peeple  will  lib  wid  cullered  peeple  ef  dey  am 
good,  but  ef  dey  am  bad,  dey  got  to  smingle  wid  de  wite  trash 
gis  de  same  as  dey  do  in  dis  world  ob  sin  and  waccinatiou. 

My  poor  ignumrent  hearers,  all  dese  'nominations  am  per 
fectly  rite,  and  ef  you  don't  blibe  me  gis  ax  eny  wun  ob  dem 
and  see  ef  dey  don't  tell  you  so — and  I  blibe'  dat  it  am  a 
good  ting  for  all  ob  us  dat  tings  am  as  dey  am,  for  ef  de 
masses  ob  mankind  war  to  blibe  dar  was  no  future  punish 
ment  for  de  sinner,  dey  would  run  riot  in  sin  and  selfishness, 
and  dis  selestial  airth  would  be  turned  into  wun  wast  slaw- 
ter  house  and  carwin  shop  in  less  den  no  time.  Man 
wouldn't  stop  to  oney  murder  he  feller  man,  but  he'd  sell  de 
bones  to  de  button  factory  and  de  flesh  to  de  sassenger 
makers  de  same  as  dey  do  de  dogs  in  dese  days.  Insted  ob 
de  kanals  bein  filled  wid  de  blessed  waters  from  de  clar  and 
coolin  lakes,  de  kanal  botes  would  float  in  de  blood  ob  man 
kind,  and  all  creation  would  stan  palsied  wid  a  fright. 

I  tink  de  mdte  feeble  de  inteleck  ob  man  am,  de  more 
nesessary  it  am  to  keep  dis  burnin  lake  in  his  mind,  gis 
like  my  ole  school  massa  used  to  lay  his  rattan  on  de  front 
ob  he  desk  and  ax  de  boys  wat  he  done  wid  it.  It  'quires 
sumfin  to  keep  people  strate,  so  look  out  wat  you  am  about, 
keep  you  eye  skinned  for  future  futuriety,  kase  you  kant 
swar  you  sins  on  enny  body  else  on  de  lass  day,  like  Pete 
Pifer  did  de  stealin  ob  dat  hundred  clams  on  me.  Ebery 
tub  hab  got  to  stan  on  it's  own  bottom  den,  and  take  de 
'sponsibility  ob  deir  own  axes.  Dat  will  be  an  orfull  day 
for  sum  folks  dat  I  nose  dis  minit. 

It  am  sed  dat  on  dat  day  bone  will  come  to  bone  and  flesh 


156  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

to  flesh.  Now  sposen  a  man  start  from  here  to  de  Ingen 
country,  and  in  a  muss  wid  de  natives,  he  loses  wun  ob  his 
arms  ;  he  den  goes  to  Harlam  and  gits  one  ob  his  legs  cut 
off  by  de  rale  road ;  he  comes  to  town  on  de  4t  ob  July  and 
gits  his  eye  nocked  out  by  a  sky  rocket ;  and  den  he  sets 
sail  for  Caleforny,  gits  de  feber  on  de  Ismarass,  and  dar 
dies — dar  he  lays  till  dey  dig  him  up  to  make  de  rale  rode 
track,  when  he  bones  am  used  to  fill  up  holler  places  on  de 
rode  ;  all  dis  might  easily  happen,  my  stingy  hearers.  Well, 
ef  "  bone  cumes  to  bone"  on  de  lass  day  ob  de  world,  I  tink 
dar  would  be  some  dodgin  ob  heads  to  keep  out  ob  de  way 
ob  de  limbs,  and  I  also  tink  dat  a  cummitty  on  researches 
would  hab  to  be  'pinted  to  find  de  main  carcuss.  All  dis, 
ob  korse,  am  merely  speckemlashun  on  my  part,  as  de  man 
said  wen  he  offered  to  swop  off  his  wife.  Dar  will  be  an 
end  to  ebberyting  dat  hab  a  beginnin,'  and  as  de  world  hab 
a  begun,  ob  korse  it  will  hab  a  stop  ;  but,  my  frightened 
sinners,  you  got  noting  to  fear  ef  you  do  your  duty  here  to 
de  best  ob  your  nobility  ;  let  not  your  konschence  be 
seared  wid  de  yaller  leaf  ob  sin,  and  you  ken  stan  and  look 
on  de  doins  ob  de  lass  day  wid  komposer.  De  brudder  dat 
wished  me  to  lectur  on  dis  subjick  I  tink  ^nuss  be  a  man 
berry  much  troubled  in  konschence,  and  am  so  much  in 
dread  objire  dat  he  won't  lib  in  eny  odder  strete  dan  Water 
strete;  de  iiame  hab  a  coolin  influenza  on  he  spirits,  and  de 
strete  run  along  de  riber,  so  I  'pect  he  tink  he  ken  jump  iu 
wen  tings  come  to  a  crisis,  but  he'll  find  it's  no  use  ef  he  am 
found  rotten  at  de  heart ;  old  Jimmy  Splitfoot  will  fork  him 
up  from  de  bottom  wid  de  hook  on  de  end  ob  he  tail. 

Xow,  as  I  had  reached  de  tail  ob  sumfin,  1  tink  I  had  bet 
ter  end  my  discord,  at  de  same  time  tankiu  you  for  your 
airnest  'tention,  and  for  wat  small  change  you  will  put  into 
de  sasser  wen  Julious  Hosshed  hands  it  round.  Dar  am  a 


ACQUIRED    HABITS.  157 

gwane  to  be  a  gibbiii  visit  to  my  house  nex  week,  wen  I 
spect  you  will  all  tow  de  mark. 


LECTURE    XLVIII. 

ACQUIRED  HABITS. 

OUDATIOUS  TRENDS  : 

CONSIDER™  de  state  of  de  wedder,  I  has  'eluded  to 
spoke  to  you  dis  ebenin  on  de  subjeck  of 

HABITS, 

and  in  spokin  bout  dem,  I  don't  intend  to  meddel  wid  old 
cloze  or  wid  anybody's  good  habits;  but  I  shall  gib  bad 
habits  pickelyer  square-toed  conepton  fits. 

Everybody,  from  de  Mayer  down  to  de  lime  killn  man, 
will  tell  you  dat  bad  habits  ort  to  be  trown  off -and  de- 
carded.  And  now  de  question  rises  like  a  ghost  in  de  feater 
— what  am  bad  habits  ?  Ef  I  was  to  tell  d\g  congregation 
to  trow  off  dere  bad  habits  in  one  sence,  dere  wood  be  few 
mong  you  dat  wood  hab  any  cloze  on,  kase  most  ob  your 
habits  am  bad.  Second  handed  afore  you  git  dem,  and 
derefore  bad  in  fit  and  durability  And  ef  I  wur  to  tell 
you  to  trow  off  your  bad  habits  in  anudder  sence,  you  wood 
'pear  afore  de  world  a  miricall,  kase  a  man  widout  eny  bad 
hab.its  am  a  model  man  for  sartin. 

Dere  am  so  menny  bad  habits  dat  mankind  am  up  to,  dat 
it  wood  take  your  wordy  speaker  two  weeks  and  a  fortnite 


158  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

to  classify,  rectify,  ratify,  and  magnify  wid  ennyting  like  suc 
cess.  But  I  will  spoke  ob  a  few  dat  I  find  most  prebalent 
'mong  you  fellows.  And  fustly  I  shall  draw  your  under- 
standins  to  Liein.  It  stems  a  part  ob  a  cullard  man's  natur 
to  tell  Ingin-rubber  stories,  from  a  nasty  habit  ob  liein  in 
bed  mornins;  in  he  youf  he  soon  larns  to  lie  out  ob  it — as 
he  grows  up,  and  afore  he  nose  it,  he  will  lie  as  fast  as  a 
political  noosepaper.  Den  dars  anudder  habit  de  darkey 
'dulge  in  to  sartin  extent — and  dat  am  stealin.  And  as  de 
poet  sez — 

"  Fust  he  steal  a  tater, 
Den  he  steal  a  grater — 
Den  when  wite  folks  am  asleep, 
He  steal  de  chicken,  eggs,  and  sheep." 

Sum  say  it  am  he  natur  to  do  so,  and  if  it  am,  he  larn  it 
from  de  wite  trash,  kase  dey  inhabited  de  kedentry  fuss. 
But  de  darkey  am  not  de  only  pusson  who  hab  bad  habits 
— kase  notin  am  more  nasty  dan  chawin  backer,  smokin  old 
sogers,  and  drinkin  rum.  De  Dutch  am  putty  well  posted 
up  in  de'two  fust  claus,  and  if  you'll  show  me  an  Irishman 
dat  don't  know  how  de  latter  claws  am  complished,  I'll  show 
you  a  wezel  in«lie  nite  cap  and  mornin  gown  takin  a  snooze. 
De  Dutch  larn  der  children  to  smoke  soon  as  (ley  see  de  lite 
ob  de  libin  sun.  Insted  ob  gibin  dem  a  sugar  stick  to  suck 
on,  dey  put  a  segar  in  dey  babys'  mouf,  and  in  two  days  de 
chile  will  cry  f,or  a  match  to  lite  its.  segar,  same  as  odder 
chile  cry  for  mint  stick. 

Chawin  I  tink  comes  by  instink — for  jis  as  soon  as  a  chile 
nose  ennyting,  it  finds  out  de  use  ob  its  jaws.  Now  I 
myseff  was  larnd  a  bad  habit  in  my  infuncy,  when  I  was 
handsomer  and  more  interestin  dan  now — and  t\-\\  hahit  was 


ACQUIRED  HABITS.  159 

chawin — I  don't  mean  backer,  but  witals.  As  fur  back  as 
I  kin  remember,  I  hab  bin  in  de  habit,  some  time  in  de  day, 
ob  'dulgin  dat  habit  till  now  I  can't  git  along  widout  prac- 
tisin  it  tree  times  a  day.  De  scantity  ob  my  sallery  niely 
broke  me  ob  it  ob  late,  and  I  went  two  days  widout  it,  but 
I  didn't  feel  like  myseff,"and  so  I  went  at  it  agin  ;  but  I  am 
sassagefried  dat  ef  it  wasn't  for  dat  habit,  instill'd  in  me,  in 
my  youf,  I  shood  be  rich  to-day,  and  stop  lectur'n  for  bad 
pennies  and  tin  shillins — but  I  can't  'spect  to  correct  dis 
habit  ob  etin  tree  times  a  day,  kase  it  hab  got  sich  a  foot 
hold  in  de  stomjacks  of  mankind.  But  de  wust  ob  all  habits 
am  de  habit  ob  drinkin'  rum,  specially  to  excess.  De  dul- 
gence  ob  dis  habit  has  got  up  more  fitein'  and  hangin* 
matches  den  enny  odder  in  de  world.  It  leads  to  backslidin', 
head  slidin',  nose  slidin',  and  into  de  calabuse  slidin'.  Dere- 
fore  I  warn  you  to  break  youseffs  ob  it,  ef  you  hab  to  break 
your  necks  to  'complish  it.  A  man  had  better  drink  root 
beer  till  he  cry  wid  de  stomjack  ake,  or  popp  till  he 
busts,  dan  to  be  de  "  chief  attraction  "  at  a  hangin'  match. 
Sam  Jacobus  sets  dar  looking  as  impertent  as  a  hog  round 
a  market.  I  'speck  he  tinks  I  don't  noe  it  was  him  dat  put 
all  de  lites  out  tudder  nite.  Jim  Comely  and  Dan  Bleat, 
his  constituents,  aint  showed  dere  woolly  coconuts  here 
sence,  but  Sam  tinks  he'd  brave  de  lion  in  he -den.  Ef  eber 
he  do  sich  a  ting  agin,  he  shall  scrub  out  de  room,  pay  haff 
a  dollar  to  de  congregation,  fru  me,  and  send  me  a  hundred 
clams.  I  had  a  mind  to  expose  him  afore  all  de  folks  har 
to  nite,  but  he  hung  he  lip  so,  I  tort  it  best  to  pass  on  de 
subjeck — and  to  show  Sam  dat  I  aiut  got  no  antymosreity 
aginst  him,  he  may  pass  round  de  sasser  dis  ebenin — but  let 
him  remember  I  got  my  eye  on  boff  he  hands — but  to  make 
insurance  dubbly  sure,  I  tink  somebody  nie  him  had  better 
pin  up  he  pockets. 


160  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XLIX. 

SLIPPERY. 

SUSPECTED  FRENS  : 

As  dis  am  a  season  when  de  mind  ob  mankind 
naturly  runs  on  de  water,  and  a  dog's  don't,  I  tort  I'd  look 
'round  in  de  mity  deep  for  a  subjick  wherewit  to  instruct 
you  'pon — and  by  golly  I  'speck  I  cotch  otfe — but  he  am  so 
slippery  and  squirmy  dat  I'm  afraid  he  will  slip  out  ob  my 
hans  afore  I  kin  fully  explainify  all  he  pints  and  qualities. 
I  hab  no  doutdat  you  noe  already  dat  de  subjick  furd  to, 
am 

DE  EEL! 

De  eel,  my  frens,  cannot  be  tunned  a  handsutn  feller,  aldo 
he  am  de  most  nimble  ob  all  de  fish  in  de  oshun.  He  am  as 
squirmy  as  a  politishum — as  slimy  as  slander,  and  as  quick 
on  a  turn  as  a  Filedelfy  lawyer.  You  kin  no  more  'speck 
to  hold  him  in  you  hans  dan  a  poor  man  kan  'speck  to  hold 
a  silver  dollar  bill ;  fur  dey  boff  will  slip  fru  your  fingurs 
afore  you  noe  it — an  like  aswasheatin  wid  bad  characters, 
de  closer  you  git  de  more  slime  you  find  'pon  you.  He  may 
be  compared  to  a  law  suit — de  more  you  handle  it  de  more 
you  aint  got  notin  but  de  slime,  and,  like  a  shillin  novel,  he 
am  all  tale. 

Dere  am  sebril  kines  ob  eels — de  Congor,  wat  was  fuss 
found  in  ole  Massa  Conger's  pond;  de  Lamper,  who's  hed 
am  all  eyes,  which  am  luminated  by  de  lite  ob  he  wisdom; 


SLIPPERY.  161 

de  Electrickal  and  de  common  Caferine  Market  eel.  De 
moss  wuriderful  ob  all  dese,  am  de  Electrick  Telegraf  eel. 
Ef  you  cum  nie  dat  feller  he  will. hit  you  a  crack  wid  he  tail 
dat  will  go  fru  you  like  huckelberries  in  August.  He 
shocks  de  modesty  ob  some  ob  de  udder  fishes,  and  kills 
dem,  and  den  he  eats  dem,  bones  and  all.  He's  a  shockin' 
bad  eel,  else  history  go  a  romancing.  ll  am  sed  dat  old 
Professor  Mosse  was  a  fishing  one  day,  and  seed  one  ob 
dese  fellers  jirk  de  'lectric  fluid  from  he  hed  to  he  tale, 
and  from  he  tale  to  he  hed,  and  dat  fuss  put  de  Electrick 
Telemgraf  in  he  hed,  which  has  sense  fenced  in  de  world 
wid  a  wire  railin'.  When  dey  want  to  send  de  noose  ober 
de  wires,  dey  jis  show  it  to  de  big  eel,  always  kept  at  each 
end  of  it.  He  reads  it — hits  de  wires  wid  he  tail,  and  'way 
goes  de  fluid  and  de  noose  togedder,  to  de  udder  end, 
where  anudder  eel  puts  it  into  English  and  de  papers. 

De  eels  cum  from  Long  Island,  and  lib  all  along  de 
coast  ob  dat  kedentry — and  like  de  natives  ob  de  Hand, 
as  soon  as  dey  ribe  in  York,  dey  git  skinned — but  dey 
hab  boff  bin  skin'd  so  offen,  dey  don't  mind  it  no  more. 
De  trade  ob  Eel  Butcher  am  ob  as  much  'portance  at 
Oaferine  Market  as  de  Oyster  and  de  Clam  Butcher. 
Deres  Pete  Odety  am  a  Eel  Butcher,  and  to  see  him  rub 
he  hand  in  de  ashes,  pick  up  de  eel  by  de  tale,  and  nock 
he  hed  agin  de  side  ob  de  tub,  and  cut  'round  de  gils  to 
loosen  de  skin,  wood  do  yon  good — and  den  to  see  de 
siance  he  displays  wid  de  nippers  in  takin'  oft7  he  jacket, 
wood  s'prise  and  confound  you.  Ef  dere  am  a  rale  siun- 
tific  Eel  Butcher  in  de  market,  Pete  am  he — derefore,  luff 
him  be  suspected  'cordin. 

I  used  to  see  some  good  times  agoin  a  bobin  for  dese 
fellers  in  my  young  days,  and  can  to  dis  day  almoss  feel  de 
delicate  nibble  ob  de  Eel  on  de  bob,  as  my  mind  dewerts 


162  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

back  to  de  happy  nites  I  hab  spent  kotchin  dem.     I  can 
simpersize  wid  de  poet  dat  sez — 

Oh !  de  days  when  we  went  eel-kotchin, 

A  long  time  ago — 
We'd  bread  and  lasses  ob  de  bess, 

And  trowsers  made  ob  tow, 
And  dere  we  set  de  libe  long  nite, 

Ton  de  bank  so  green, 
And  nought  but  tubs  and  eels  and  grog, 
'Bont  us  cood  be  seen. 
And  duss  we  pass  de  nite  away, 

And  out  de  eels  wood  trow, 
In  de  days  when  we  w«nt  eel-kotchin, 
A  long  time  ago. 

Ah!  dem  was  merry  happy  nites, 

A  long  time  ago  ; 
When  we  eeled  from  dark  till  light, 

De  moon  as  light  as  snow. 
And  dere  we  sung  de  jolly  song, 

And  danced  upon  de  shore, 
But,  ah !  dese  hallumlujah  days, 
Will  come  agin  no  more. 
Ah,  how  we  passed  the  time  away, 

Nor  thought  of  care  or  woe, 
On  de  nites  when  we  went  eel-kotchin, 
A  long  time  ago. 

We  all  noe  wid  what  delite  de  young  darkey  will  dance 
for  dem  at  Caferine  Market — and  we  all  noe  too,  how  good 
dey  am  when  fried  in  butter  and  browned  wid  flower. 
Derefore  I  lebe  de  contemplation  ob  de  subjick  to  go  to 
Anty  Clawson  an  git  a  plate  ob  reality  right  off  de  real, 
perwiding  I  git  'nuff  in  de  sasser  for  to  pay  for  de  same. 

Brudder  Jake  Bullethed  will  pleese*pass  it  round,  an  see 
what  look  I  got  for  dem  fried  Eels. 


THE    ROOSTER.  163 


LECTURE    L. 

THE  ROOSTER. 

SUSPECTED  FRENS: 

You  will  find  de  subjick  on  which  I  'spect  to  sub- 
stract  my  exasperations  dis  ebenin,  a  runin  round  enny  ob 
de  barn  yards  in  de  kedentry  and  in  de  coops  round  de  mar 
kets.  He  am  sometimes  called  de  "  cock  "  by  people  who 
call  tings  by  dere  rite  names,  but  dose  who  pride  demseffs 
on  bein  extra  perlite,  call  him 

DE  ROOSTER! 

De  reason,  1  'speck,  why  dey  call  him  dat,  am  bekase  he 
will  roost  wid  de  hens  nites. 

De  rooster  am  de  he  hen  and  aldo  he  lays  no  eggs,  nor 
hatches  no  chickens,  ennybody  wood  tink  by  seein'  him  strut 
round  de  barn  yard,  dat  he  lay  all  de  eggs  and  brought  up 
all  de  chickens.  He  does  he  best  to  make  you  tink  dat  he 
does  it  all,  for  no  sooner  does  a  hen  drop  an  egg,  dan  he.  sets 
up  as  loud  a  cacklin  as  de  hen  herseff,  in  order  to  pull  de 
wool  ober  de  eyes  ob  us  sitty  fellers,  and  make  us  beleve  he 
done  it,  when  he  am  no  more  capable  ob  doin'  de  same  dan 
I  am.  How  much  like  sum  lazy  husbands  in  dis  congrega 
tion,  I  cood  menshun,  who  let  dere  wives  do  all  de  work  and 
take  car  ob  de  family  while  dey  do  all  de  cacklin. 

Dere  am  free  or  four  different  kinds  ob  "Roosters." 
Some  am  black,  some  speckled,  as  de  darkey  wid  de  small 
pox,  and  dressed  up  in  all  de  brilliant  fedders  ob  a  soger 
company.  I  tink  he  must  hab  taken  lessons  from  some  ob 


164  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

our  Mallishish  Captans  in  de  art  ob  structin,  for  it  wood  do 
you  good  to  see  one  strut  true  de  barn  yard  among  he  fifty 
wives. 

He  seems  to  belebe  in  de  Mormon  doctrin  ob  pluracy  ob 
wifes,  for  he  hab  a  promiscus  number  at  he  beck  and  call, 
and  no  pettyfogin  lawyer  hab  yet  offered  to  make  out  a 
case  ob  bigamy  against  him,  and  his  conduct  am  winked  at 
by  de  noin  ones,  and  it  am  no  more  tort  ob,  or  sentured  by 
de  people,  or  by  de  press,  dan  King  Solomon  ob  old  was 
mid  his  forty  wives  and  hundred  conkebines.  But  dis  may 
be  owin'  to  de  laxative  laws  consarnin'  matrimonial  marrage, 
now  in  woge  in  dis  happy  state.  All  a  man  hab  to  do  now- 
a-days  am  to  say  to  a  female  woman,  I  take  you  for  better 
or  for  wuss,  for  a  short  time,  and  if  you  turn  out  better,  I 
will  take  car  ob  you,  but  if  you  turn  out  wuss,  I'll  luff  you 
flote  down  de  riber  ob  time,  a  prey  to  fortune,  for  some 
udder  nice  young  man  to  pick  up  and  cast  off  at  he  lezure. 

I  hab  seen  a  Brigadig  General  reviewin'  his  sogers  for 
de  fust  time.  I  hab  seen  de  pollytishun  de  day  arter  he 
was  'lected  Alderman.  I  hab  seen  him  agin  de  fust  day  he 
entered  Congress.  I  hab  seen  de  new  recrute  on  he  fust 
parade  in  de  milishus — I  hab  seen  a  darkey  in  a  new  brass 
.buttoned  green  coat,  and  a  cullared  lady  in  a  new  yeller 
calico  frock,  but  I  nebber  seed  ennyting  nor  ennybody  so 
killin'  pomptious  and  prowd  as  de  old  dunghill  rooster 
when  he  wakes  he  brood  at  daylight  in  de  mornin'  wid  his 
shrill  trump,  and  marches  dem  off  to  de  scratchin'  ground  ; 
and  wo  be  to  de  strange  rooster  dat  chances  to  make  a  call 
on  he  nabor.  Talk  ob  fuss  and  fedders — dats  de  time  to 
see  him  in  all  he  glory,  as  he  walks  sideways  wid  one  wing 
down  (so  as  to  hide  he  long  spurs),  and  he  hed  strate  out 
afore  him^  up  to  de  stranger  and  gibs  him  a  crack  side  he 
hed  for  he  imperence.  Ef  de  odder  rooster  am  game,  den 


THE    ROOSTER.  165 

a  reguler  Higher  and  Sulavan  fite  persues,  and  one  or  de 
odder  comes  off  second  best,  and  de  odder  sets  up  a  crowin' 
loud  'nuff  to  wake  de  darkej  cook  to  put  on  de  coffee  pot — 
den  de  licked  rooster  runs  home  wid  he  comb  cut,  fooloso- 
fysin'  on  de  foolishness  ob  takin'  airly  mornin'  walks  abroad. 

Dere  am  notin'  on  airth  dat  fites  more  wickedly  den  two 
game  roosters.  Dey  will  fite  till  one  am  ded  and  de  odder 
too  week  to  flap  he  wings  or  crow — and  I  belebe  dat  it  was 
on  some  sich  'casion  as  dis,  dat  Brudder  Chapman  was  per- 
litely  'quested  to  crow  fur  him. 

Take  de  rooster  in  he  marrage  relations,  or  in  he  single 
blessedness,  and  he  am  about  as  seff-satisfied  and  pomptious 
as  a  monkey  in  a  red  frock,  wid  he  mouf  full  ob  chesnuts, 
and  a  box  ob  sugar  crackurs  widin  he  reach.  Wid  dese 
reflecshuns,  we  luff  him  slide  dis  ebening,  promisin  to  take 
him  up  agin  at  some  previous  'cashun,  ef  he  long  spurs  will 
luff  me  handle  him  better  den  I  hab  dis  ebenin'. 

Long  Island  Jake  will  pleese  pass  'round  de  sasser,  and 
wen  a  man  puts  him  off  wid  a  free  cent  piece,  luff  him  ask 
for  de  odder  free  cents  belonging  to  de  sixpence.  I  won't 
hab  dem  free  cents  nocked  doun  on  me  no  more. 


166  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    Li: 

LONG    ISLAND    MUSINGS. 

BROILIN  SINNERS  : 

SENCE  de  lass  time  I  distress'd  you  from  dis  old 
desk,  I  hev  bin  a  rewlinizin  on  aid  Long  Island — 

"  Whar  de  breezes, 
Cum  fru  de  treeses, 
'  And  smels  ob  cheeses.' 

and  whar  de  gentle  hefers,  at  de  close  ob  de  day,  flote 
litely  fru  de  frees,  and  fan  de  brow  ob  exousted  human 
natur,  and  whar  clams  am  as  plenty  as  scandle.  It  am 
strange  how  a  feller  will  feel  he  mind  a  soarin'  abub  de  tings 
ob  dis  arf,  when  he'm  away  from  de  smell  ob  de  gutters  in 
de  sitty,  and  de  oderiferusness  ob  de  gas-pipes.  Here  he 
kin  contemplate  foolosofy  ondisturbed  by  de  noise  ob  de 
omnibusters  and  unwatched  by  de  police.  Here  it  am  dat 
he  mind  trows  off  de  fifty  sixes  ob  car,  and  mounts  to  hem- 
isferes  abuv,  and  try  to  find  out  what  am  a  goin'  on  in  de 
abode  ob  de  planits,  'mong  de  spiritual  rappers.  Ef  a 
man  finds  heseff  on  dis  beech,  wrapped  up  in  nuffin  but  a 
spiritual  wrapper,  he  will  find  heseff  mity  cold  arter  sun 
down,  mind  I  tell  you,  fur  I  went  out  wid  a  ober  cote  on  to 
see  ef  I  coodent  find  out  what  some  ob  de  planet  sky  lites 
war  made  ob,  and  it  set  my  teef  a  chatterin*  like  a  monkey 
ober  a  hot  potater.  Arter  lookin  at  de  brilliant  fermi- 
nence  for  a  long  time,  an  sufferin'  de  ting  up  ober  and  ober 


LONG    ISLAND    MUSINGS.  167 

in  my  mind,  I  come  to  de  'elusion  dat  me  nor  no  odder  pro 
fessor  of  foolosefy  nose  notin'  'bout  de  universal  planits  no 
more  dan  a  hog  nose  wat  he  am  goine  to  hab  for  supper. 
But  we  all  hab  de  pribalege  ob  gibin  our  'pinion  on  dese 
tings,  and  derefore  I'll  gib  mine,  based  on  a  log  'bout  ten 
feet  long,  on  which  I  declined  during  my  meadowtations.  I 
tink  dat  de  planit  sky-lites  am  made  ob  saltpeter,  camphene, 
drummond  lite,  and  spangles,  all  mixed  up  and  spread  on 
new  tin,  like  a  poor  man's  plaster,  and  hung  out  on  spiritual 
cords,  and  den  as  de  wind  blows,  dey  shake  and  quiber,  dat 
make  'em  go  blink,  blink,  at  you,  like  a  cullard  gal's  eye  a 
wmkin'  in  de  dark. 

De  moon  must  be  a  hole  tin  pan  full  ob  de  ingredients, 
wid  a  drummond  lite  ahind  it,  and  when  de  drummond  lite 
fall  down  inside  ob  it,  den  you  only  see  haff  ob  de  moon. 
Den  it  wants  newly  regulatin',  and  den  de  folks  call  it  de 
new  moon. 

De  sun  puzzles  me  most — kase  I  don't  noe  wedder  dey 
burn  hickory  wood  or  Lehigh  coal,  but  I  tink  dey  burn  boff 
'bout  dese  days.  Dese  last  torts  truded  dernseffs  tru  my 
wool  as  I  was  gwane  ober  to  Jerusalem  to  de  cullerd  Camp 
Meetin',  now  succedin  in  dat  quarter.  When  I  got  to  de 
Camp  Ground,  (what  a  shame  it  am  dat  low  darkeys  call  it 
de  Stamp  Ground)  dere  I  found  Brudder  Bluster  on  de 
stand,  and  he  was  discribin  de  old  debil  heseff.  He  said 
dat  he  head  was  like  de  buffalo,  toof  like  de  elemfint  tusk, 
back  like  a  buck  rabbit,  tail  like  a  anaconda,  and  be  eyes 
shine  like  two  burnin'  hickory  logs  in  de  kitchen  fire-place — 
and  he  went  'round  like  a  ronsen  Her,  seekin'  whom  be  might 
fool  somebody. 

Now  I  don't  belebe  he  eber  seed  de  feller  he  so  beufly 
discribed,  but  ef  you  had  hard  him  nock  he  fist  on  de  board 
whar  he  desk  ort  to  be,  you  wood  hab  'eluded  dat  he  was 


168  RI.ACK    DIAMONDS. 

an  intemate  quantence  ob  his;  for  he  not  only  told  us  all 
'boat  him,  but  he  spoke  ob  he  dwelin  place  in  de  souffern 
country — and  he  said  dat  de  red  lite  dat  was  a  shinin'  in  de 
sky  dat  ebeuin,  which  de  farmers  call'd  de  Rousen  Bore  ob 
Alias,  was  de  flecshun  dat  was  frown  on  de  place  wheneber 
de  door  was  opened  to  let  in  a  bad  darkey.  Dat  scart  sum 
ob  dem,  and  dey  look  up  at  de  lite  wid  eyes  as  big  as  de 
sasser  dat  you  all  ought  to  put  a  shillin  a  piece  in  dis 
ebenin'. 

He  had  a  good  deel  to  say  'bout  Provendence,  and  'eluded 
his  powerful  sarmont  by  sayin'  dat  he  hoped  Provendence 
woodent  send  de  rain  on  de  Hand  like  he  did  lass  year  in 
sich  sluces,  dat  it  wash  away  de  Metadist  meetin'  house,  and 
smash  all  de  windows — but  in  more  congelied  portions,  dat 
de  otes  and  corn  mite  git  it,  so  dat  de  corn  mite 'grow  six 
teen  foot  high,  and  hab  ears  long  as  he  arm,  and  not  sich 
cussed  little  Nubbins  like  dey  had  lass  year,  which  he  wood 
as  leaf  try  to  shuck,  as  to  try  to  shuck  de  debil  heseff. 

Dey  wanted  me  to  'liten  'em  a  little,  but  I  told  dem  I 
neber  meddled  wid  church  affairs  or  de  scriptur,  dat  my 
inishun  was  'ticely  siantific,  and  I  reclined  de  place  dey 
made  fur  me  on  de  platform. 

Dey  den  broke  up,  arter  singin'  in  loud  meter  dis  beuful 
standa — 

De  debil  he  will  do  his  best, 
To  stop  de  sinner  findin'  rest ; 
But  when  we  reach  dat  happy  sho', 
We'd  flax  him  out,  and  cry  no  mo'. 
Hallalujah,  Hallalu— g. 

Wen  dis  was  ober,  some  went  home,  and  odders  went  to 
dere  tents,  whar  dey  laid  down  in  straw  as  tick  as  hogs  in 
winter  time. 


BLUNDERS    IN    HUNTING.  169 

As  it  am  growin'  late,  I  will  dismiss  you  afore  I  gib  you 
de  lass  claws  ob  wat  I  ment  to  say  dis  ebenin,  and  as  soon 
as  Brudder  Ishmal  Owlhed  passes  'round  de  sasser,  you 
may  slide — keep  de  door  lock'd  till  de  sasser's  fall. 


LECTURE   LII. 

BLUNDERS    IN    HUNTING. 

BRILIN  LAMS  : 

Dis  ebenin  I  perpose, 

To  spoke  in  ryme,  and  not  in  prose; 

An'  I  hope  you'll  hear  me  wid  delite, 

Ef  so,  I  poetize  some  odder  nite. 

Ef  you  at  my  last  lectur  glance, 

You'll  see  I  menshun  a  suckemstance 

Ob  bein'  on  Long  Islan,  at  camp  meetin', 

And  hearin  Brudder  Blusters  prechin. 

Some  ob  de  brudderin,  I  gin  to  fear, 

May  tink  I  wos  whar  dey  charge  so  dear; 

For  berry  little  'commodation, 

(De  useal  custom  ob  de  nation). 

Dere  am  some  houses  hear  I'm  told, 

'Bout  which  I  cood  a  tale  unfold ; 

'Bout  straw  beds,  and  scanty  table, 

Dat  wood  make  your  hair  grow  stiff  as  cable; 

Whar  Christian  folks  are  used  like  sinners, 

By  some  ob  dese  Long  Hand  skinners. 

Who  keep  fashionable  out  ob  town  resorts. 

For  city  people  oat  ob  sorts; 


110  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Who  lebe  airy  rooms,  and  an  easy  bed, 

To  stifle  in  a  six-foot  plaster'd  shed. 

An'  lay  'pon  beds  as  hard  as  stubble, 

And  for  de  luxery  pay  jus  double; 

But  den  dey  tink  de  price  am  fair, 

Bekase  dey  walue  high  de  country  air. 

And  sitty  folks,  out  ob  de  sherest  pride, 

Spend  August  at  de  oshun  side; 

Lebe  dere  door  nobs  grow  black  wid  rust, 

To  spend  a  monf  in  sand  and  dust. 

De  rhumatism  offin  makes  dem  rue  it, 

But  dey'd  be  nobody  ef  dey  didn't  do  it; 

One  sitty  feller  dat  come  out  here, 

When  he  seed  he  bill  luff  fall  a  tear; 

And  as  he  handed  out  de  pelf, 

Sed  he'd  bild  a  country  for  heseff, 

Afore  he'd  pay  sich  a  mity  fee, 

For  comin'  in  de  counteree. 

But  I  want  to  tell  you  once  for  all, 

Dat  I  ain't  bin  to  no  sich  place  at  all. 

De  little  time  I  bin  from  home, 

I  spent  at  Jerico  wid  nuncle  Tone, 

A  brudder  to  Anty  Clawson's  sister, 

Who  always  rites  his  fast  name  Mister; 

To  luff  de  country  people  see, 

He  understands  gentility. 

He's  got  a  beufull  house  made  ob  logs. 

Close  by  a  pen  ob  lubly  hogs  ; 

He  raises  de  chickens,  pigs  and  tarkey, 

And  now  and^den  a  little  darkey. 

He's  got  a  dog — a  berry  curious  cretur, 

Dat  forms  a  berry  portant  fetur  ; 

To  his  place.     He  am  none  all  'round. 


BLUNDERS   IN    HUNTING.  1?1 

As  de  greatest  dog  dat  kin  be  found — 

Some  sed  he  wos  ob  de  setter  breed, 

An  Tone  sed — he  was  indeed  ! 

And  Doctor  Jones,  de  learned  farrier, 

Sed  he  was  a  full  blooded  tarrier — 

Mixed  wid  de  pinter  and  de  bull, 

Derefore,  I  tink  his  blood  was  full ; 

But  I  fear  dat  meny  peopled  lied, 

'Bout  dat  dog,  kase  I  spied 

All  his  traits,  and  raly  do  belebe 

Dat  dey  fool'd  old  Tone  and  him  decebe. 

And  I  tink  all  dare  stories  am  a  fable, 

Kase  he  only  tarry'd  round  de  table  ; 

Sept  when  twas  cold,  he'd  nebber  mobe, 

But  try  to  tarry  'round  de  stobe. 

As  to  his  settin  qualities,  I  dare  say, 

He'd  set  in  doors  on  a  rainey  day  ; 

As  to  his  bein  a  piuter,  he's  bin  none  to  pint 

All  day  at  beef  or  mutton  jint, 

Perwidin  dat  he  coodent  touch  it ; 

Ef  he  cood,  he'd  bin  sure  to  "fetch  it!" 

But  of  him  I've  had  a  nuff  to  say, 

Septin  dat  his  hair  was  gray  ; 

And  dat  his  tail  turn'd  up  a  little, 

And  form'd  a  hook  to  hang  a  kittle. 

Besides  dis  dog,  Tone  had  a  gun, 

And  wid  dem  we  tort  we'd  hab  sum  fun  ; 

And  like  de  wite  folks  go  a  shootin, 

And  true  de  woods  keep  up  a  hootin 

To  scar  de  burds  and  luff  dem  fly, 

So  we  cood  "  Bim  "  dem  in  de  eye. 

When  we  got  all  redy  for  de  xpedishun, 

We  found  we  hadcnt  no  amanishun  ; 


172  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

An  so  we  boute  a  haff  a  pown 

At  de  grocery  in  de  toan. 

Tone  sholdered  de  dog,  and  off  we  went, 

On  a  day's  sportin  fully  bent. 

We  hadent  gone  fur,  afore  I  hurd 

Somfin  in  de  bushes  like  a  burd  ; 

I  grabed  de  dog,  and  fired  spralin, 

And  shot  a  great  big,  "  Wat-you  call-em  ?" 

A  anamile  wid  hair  on,  like  a  trunk, 

I  tink  de  farmer  call'd  it  a  big  skunk. 

Ob  one  ting  sassagefried  to  be  I  orter, 

Dat  is,  he  don't  carry  Cologne  water  ; 

Kase  we  hadent  bin  dar  berry  long 

Afore  we  smelt  somfin  mitey  strong  ; 

And  no  do'ubt  if  we'd  staid  dar  longer, 

Dat  boff  ob  us  wood  hab  grown  stronger. 

Here  de  dog  showed  his  sittin  quite  sublime 

For  he  set  on  a  log  moss  all  de  time. 

Well !  on  we  went  to  look  for  game, 

And  next  we  shot  a — Wats-his-name  ? 

I  dont  'zactly  like  to  menshun  here, 

What  de  cretur  was,  for  fear 

I  mite  be  brote  into  some  scrapes, 

Like  de  little  boy  who  stole  de  grapes; 

But  ef  enny  ob  you  hear  de  farmers  talk, 

'Bout  dere  loosin  some  "  little  pork," 

'Bout  two  monfs  old,  sent  to  roam 

In  de  medder,  little  way  from  home, 

Tell  dem  de  ditches  am  berry  deep, 

And  little  pigs  will  in  dem  creep  ; 

I  noe  de  holes  am  deep  dar  bout, 

Kase  I  got  in  one,  nor  cood  git  out 

"Till  nuncle  Tone,  reched  he  butt  ob  gun, 


BLUNDEKS   IN   HUNTING.  113 

And  pull'd  lika  Satin,  wen  out  I  cum. 
Wen  I  got  out,  I  blessed  a  few, 
Kase  I  spiled  my  close  and  got  wet  tru ; 
When  I  got  home  (twixt  you  and  me), 
I  dident  feel  in  sich  high  glee 
As  in  de  mornin'  wen  I  started  ; 
In  fac,  I  wos  haff  broken-hearted — 
Kase  dis  ole  stingy  congregation, 
Wood  almost  suffer  suffercation, 
Afore  dey'd  chip  up  to  git  me  close 
In  place  ob  dem  I  spil'd,  I  nose  ; 
But  ef  you  dont  fork  ober  rite, 
I  wont  lectur  for  you  'nudder  nite, 
But  set  up  a  shop  to  sell  de  clam, 

Ef  I  dont,  may  I  be . 

Your  obedient  servant,          J.  C.  H . 


K  B.— De  ioregom  epick, 

I  am  led  to  xpeck, 

Will  be  red  mong  a  great  wariety, 

Afore  de  Historical  Siety, 

At  dere  sellembraton  in  December  ; 

Kase  last  year,  if  I  remember, 

One  ob  my  lecturs  come  berry  nie 

Gittin  an  xplainity."" 

By  one  ob  de  lamed  professhun, 

Who  had  one  in  his  possesshun, 

And  only  waited  to  be  call'd  out, 

Wen  he,  de  hole  ting  wood  hab  bawl'd  out. 

Ef  enny  ob  dem  dis  year  do  it, 

I'll  speck  a  medel  wid  blue  ribbon  to  it, 

To  war  roun'  my  neck,  whai  ere  I  go, 

Like  de  chain  ob  Barren  Spolasco. 


114  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

And  now  wid  much  politeness, 

I  bid  you  all  good  niteness  ; 

But  afore  you  go,  luff  de  silver  sound 

In  de  sasser  as  it  passes  round. 


LECTURE  LIH. 

FIRST  LOVE. 

CHOSEN  CHUMS — 

I  RISE  to-nite  and  make  my  bow, 

To  commence  a  beginin,  but  somehow 

I  don't  feel  rite  'bout  de  hed, 

My  idias  flow  like  chunks  ob  led — 

Not  like  leden  balls  in  de  heat  ob  battle, 

Dat  round  de  hed  ob  sogers  rattle, 

And  try  to  perpetrate  big  holes, 

To  luff  de  daylite  in  'pon  der  soles. 

But  like  chunk  led,  hard  as  steel, 

Dat's  de  way  my  tinkin  apperatus  feel. 

Wood  you  noe  what  makes  me  feel  so  sad  ? 

Its  bekase  I  am  'bused  so  mity  bad, 

By  country  Editors  round  about, 

Who  sisarize  my  lecturs  out 

Ob  de  Picayune — a  handsome  sheet 

Published  donn  in  Fulton  street. 

I  don't  mind  dere  stealin  from  me  so, 

Perwidin  dey  luff  dar  readers  noe 


FIRST    LOVE.  175 

Whar  dey  get  dem  from,  den  you  see 

It  will  add  to  my  eelebraty. 

I  nebber  notice  no  sich  capers 

By  de  editors  of  de  English  papers, 

Kase  Reynold's  Miscellany,  and  de  London  Times 

"When  e'er  dey  use  my  prose  or  rhymes, 

Always  takes  good  car  to  prate 

Dat  it  come  from  ole  York  State, 

From  a  paper  called  de  Picayune, 

Dats  always  lively  in  its  tune. 

Derefore  you  kin  plainly  see, 

Dat  its  only  de  cute  Yankee 

Dat  will  pilfer  odder  people's  brain, 

In  order  to  permote  der  gain  ; 

But  when  I  inwardly  reflect, 

I  don't  noe  as  I  cood  else  expeck, 

Seein  what  chunks  ob  wisdom  fall 

From  dis  old  hed,  now  niely  ball — 

De  world  wants  litenin  berry  much, 

And  ef  I  gub  de  siantific  touch, 

And  lite  de  brilliant  torch  ob  siance, 

And  set  ignumrence  at  defiance, 

'Twill  aid  de  kause  ob  edication, 

To  send  my  lectures  fru  de  nation — 

Derefore  I  woodent  car  a  p^n, 

To  see  dem  copid  o'er  agin  ; 

Dat  dey  may  tru  de  country  fly, 

From  groceree  to  groceri  ; 

Dat  ebberybody  fruout  de  land 

May  full  and  squarely  understand 

De  principles  ob  'mortal  siance, 

Den  wood  I  feel  a  firm  reliance, 

Dat  I  am  fully  understood 


176  BLACK    DIAMONDS.  » 

Truout  de  world's  wast  naborhood. 

But  I  fear  my  ryme  am  gittin  prosey, 

For  I  see  so  menny  brudders  dozy  ; 

Ef  dey  don't  wake  up  mity  quick, 

I'll  come  doun  on  'em  like  a  tousend  brick.- 

How  dar  you  nod  and  shut  you  eye 

When  I'm  lecturin  in  sweet  poetri  ? — 

My  frens  I  got  somfin  serious  to  tell 

'Bout  a  suckumstance  dat  me  befell 

On  Long  Hand — in  de  airly  part 

Ob  July,  and  its  moss  broke  my  hart ; 

I  nebber  node  what  'twas  afore, 

To  feel  de  tender  pashum  to  de  core  ; 

But  now  I  am  compelled  to  say 

Dat  sence  de  mornin  ob  dat  July  day, 

Fve_  libed  in  dreams  in  and  out  ob  bed, 

An'  in  clowdy  castels,  painted  red, 

Wid  golden  doors  and  starlite  sealin — 

In  fact  I  can't  portray  my  feelin  ; 

For  Kupid  wid  his  silber  arrar, 

Hab  piered  my  'fections  to  de  marrar  ; 

And  arter  passin  a  wartus  life, 

I  tink  I  better  git  a  wife, 

To  do  my  washin  and  mend  my  close, 

And  do  up  sweet  meats,  kase  who  nose 

But  what  my  wages  may  be  raised 

(For  sich  good  luck,  de  Lord  be  praised), 

Up  to  a  pint  dat  I  cood  afford 

To  take  a  house  and  a  few  to  bord. 

But  I'm  off  my  track,  I  was  gwane  to  tell 

How  I  fell  in  lab  wid  "  Isabella," 

And  in  order  to  make  de  'cription  neeter, 

I  tink  I'd  better  change  my  meeter — 


FIRST  LOVE.  171 

And  prove  to  you  by  de  trial, 
Dat  I  kin  rite  in  de  Byronic  stile. 

Isabelle  !  Isabelle  !  !  Isabelle  !  !  I 

'Tis  strange  you  hant  me  still, 
I  only  seed  you  'bout  an  hour, 

While  I  was  lofin  on  de  hill. 
I've  tried  alas  !  to  banish  yoq 

Far  from  memory's  seat, 
But,  oh  !  my  burnin  thoughts  will  cling 

To  you  dear  gall,  like  'lasses  sweet. 

'Twas  airly  on  a  summer's  morn, 

While  standin  nie  a  silant  mill, 
I  seed  her  take  a  paff  dat  led 

Directly  up  de  big  green  hill. 
Two  milkin  pails  war  in  her  grasp, 

Ana  as  she  tripped  along, 
I  tort  dat  form  I'd  like  to  clasp, 

Or  make  de  burden  ob  a  song. 

She  had  a  little  stream  to  cross, 

Dat  run  in  bubbles  nie  de  rode  ; 
I  boldly  steped  to  her  and  axed 

Ef  I  mite  help  her  wid  her  lode. 
She  raised  her  great  big  eyes  on  me, 

Dat  shine  as  brite  as  ebenin  star, 
And  set  de  pails  doun  on  de  grass, 

And  sed  she  raly  didn't  car. 

I  fust  set  boff  de  pails  across, 

And  den  come  back  for  she, 
And  lifting  her  up  by  de  waste, 

She  trembling  cross'd  de  plank  wid  me. 


178  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

When  I  clasped  her  in  my  arms, 
I  found  her  lim's  was  berry  stout, 

But  good  fresh  milk  and  corned  pork 
Am  sure  to  bring  sich  tings  about. 

When  we  reached  de  odder  side, 

We  boff  set  doun  togedder, 
I  pressed  her  hand  'twixt  boff  ob  mine, 

And  found  dem  like  sole  ledder. 
Dere  war  gum  biles  on  ebbery  jint, 

From  little  finger  to  de  tumb, 
But  oh  !  her  eyes  bewitched  me  so, 

Dere  buty  almost  struck  me  dumb. 

Upon  de  side  ob  dat  old  hill, 

I  spent  de  happiest  hour 
Dat  mortal  ebber  cood  s'pose 

Was  in  a  mortal's  power. 
For  oh  !  in  dat  bref  space  ob  time, 

I  lost  and  gained  a  hart, 
And  I  tink  dat  for  de  time  it  took, 

'Twas  bein  putty  smart. 

Dar  now,  you'b  herd  de  hole  ting  tru, 
And  my  minds  relebed  a  few  ; 
And  I  tink  I  liar  you  loudly  say, 
Marry  her  Julius  !  'pint  de  day  ! 
Buy  up  de  clams  to  make  de  soup, 
And  if  you  can't  go  to  Urupo 
To  Cony  Hand  you  kin  go, 
And  spend  de  fust  monf  or  so, 
And  den  come  back  a  feelin  better, 
And  go  to  work  for  bread  and  butter. 


WILL  TRAVEL  CUKE  LOVE  ?  179 

Now  ef  you  all  am  mind  to  'gree 
To  pay  for  de  glorious  spree, 
I'll  go  to  Isabelle  and  tell  her 
It  kin  come  off  at  Anty  Clawson's  seller. 
Old  Jake  will  make  de  fiddle  ring, 
And  Sam  will  touch  de  banjo  string  ; 
We'll  dance  de  reel  and  crackerwain, 
'Till  Halumlujah  come  again. 
Derefore  my  lads  and  lasses, 
Fill  up  de  sasser  as  it  passes, 
Brudder  Somendike  I  trust 
Will  hand  it  to  de  ladies  fust. 


LECTURE  LIV. 

WILL    TRAVEL   CURE     LOVE  ? 

CORRUPTED  MORTALS — 

I  PINT,  on  dis  'portant  casion,  brudder  Erastus  J. 
Arlington  Jefferson  Butts  to  read  my  'pistol  to  you  ;  I 
can't  do  it  myseff,  bekase  at  de  same  time  he  am  readin  dis 
to  you,  I,  your  shcppard,  am  ober  two  hundred  miles  away 
from  his  flock  ob  black  sheep — derefore,  listen  to  him  wid 
dat  same  'tention  dat  you  always  pay  to  me.  I  am  now 
rustifying  in  de  old  rebolutionary  town  ob  Bosson,  Massa 
chusetts,  from  which  pint  ob  de  cumpasus  I  wolegize  to  you 
dis  ebenin. 

De  kommittee  dat  was  pinted  to  vestigate  de  slander  dat 
de  sisterhood  scandelized  me  wid  truout  de  naborhood,  met 
on  de  ebenin  pinted,  and  'cussed  de  matter  wid  all  dere 
harts,  and  brot  in  de  common  wardick  ob  de  day — dat  no 
body  was  to  blame.  Nobody  dident  do  notin  to  nobody, 


180  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

and  kinder  'luded  dat  dey  tort  Isabelle  wus  lopsided  in  de 
intellect — and  dey  told  me  I  had  better  trable  a  little  to  get 
de  consequences  out  ob  my  mind.  Dey  seed  my  hart  was 
niely  bustin,  and  in  de  bite  ob  dere  charity,  dey  made  up  a 
purse  ob  five  dollars,  and  devised  me  to  go  on  a  day's  fuddle, 
and  look  in  de  pictur  shop  winders,  in  order  to  git  my  mind 
off  de  trubble  dat  make  sich  fringment  on  my  appetite  and 
sleepatite,  but  luff  my  drinkatite  unrepaired.  Derefore  I 
take  my  old  Gen.  Jackson  stiled  hat,  and  I  took  free  cents 
wort  ob  trable  to  Bohoken,  but  dere  I  meet  so  many  lub 
bers  wid  dere  dullsinnas,  dat  it  only  made  me  haff  ded  to  hab 
Isabelle  'long  wid  me — and  when  I  dulged  myseff  wid  a  two 
cent  glass  ob  ise  cream,  to  cool  my  burnin  pashun,  I  found  I 
had  pocketed  de  man's  spoon,  insted  ob  payin  him  for  he 
cream.  But  he  dident  luff  me  to  labor  long  ia  de  delusion, 
for  he  nocked  my  new  wite  second  hand  knok  down  ober  my 
eyes  and  took  de  spoon  out  ob  my  pocket.  De  boys  'round 
and  'bout  de  stand,  roard  wid  lafter,  and  fru  up  dere  hats  in 
derigon  ob  your  poor  old  speeker,  and  hooted  at  me  way  up 
to  de  Elisha  Fiels.  Den  I  went  to  a  stan,  and  eat  fifty  raw 
clams,  jis  to  dewert  my  mind  and  appetite,  but  de  more 
clams  I  swallered  de  hebier  my  konshunce  felt,  and  so  I 
'eluded  to  stop  afore  I  oberloded  my  stomjack. 

I  found  dat  de  trabble  ober  dare  dident  do  me  no  good, 
kase  I  was  obsolutely  sick  wen  I  got  home  to  Anty  Claw- 
son's,  whar  I  ribed  just  soon  enuff  to  git  home.  Dar  I  found 
a  letter  for  me,  from  Brudder  Greedy,  who  can  read,  rite 
and  sifer — to  cum  up  to  Bossun  for  my  helf — and  soon  as  I 
read  it,  I  dident  noe  'zactly  what  to  do,  and  I  done  it 
'megetly.  I  went  doun  to  sebrel  abolishun  brudders  in  New 
York,  and  got  letters  ob  inducement  to  sebrel  brudders  in 
dis  town  ob  crooked  streets  and  hotels.  Well,  wen  I  got  all 
redy  to  start,  I  packed  up  my  police,  and  put  dat  ruffle 


WILL   TRAVEL    CURE    LOVE  ?  181 

shirt  dat  brudder  Hyatt  gab  me,  on  de  top,  so  as  not  to 
kick  up  a  muss  wid  it.  Den  my  big  headed  kane,  dat  wus 
presented  to  me  by  de  Angelic  Eel  Skinin  Benefishall  Siety, 
wen  I  wus  'lected  a  onery  member,  was  brott  in  inquisishun, 
and  shakin  hans  wid  Anty  Clawson,  and  takin  a  little  com 
position  to  purvent  de  kolera,  I  made  a  clearance  for  de 
steambote  for  dis  Bossunburgh.  When  I  got  abord  de  bote, 
a  feller  ax  me  ef  I  speck'd  a  birf  abord.  I  tote  him  I  dident 
noe  what  mite  happen  in  de  ladies'  cabin.  Den  he  laff, 
and  sed  I  was  stupid,  and  dat  ef  I  speck  to  sleep  enny,  I 
muss  take  a  birf  in  a  foreard  car  cabin,  and  pay  fifty  cents 
extra  for  de  same.  So  I  paid  de  bitterance,  and  airly  ex 
pired  to  bed  ;  but  all  de  time  Isabelle  was  a  runnin  in  my 
wool,  and  like  fleas  on  a  shaggy  dog,  dere  wus  no  gittin  rid 
ob  it.  I  laid  dere  foolosifizein  on  de  chances  ob  gittin 
blowed  up  wid  de  biler — and  I  dident  car  who  was  bloud  up 
fuss,  me,  or  all  hands — wen  I  found  sumfin  runniu  ober  my 
hed  asides  idias,  and  de  same  may  be  sed  ob  my  hole  body, 
kase  on  gittin  a  lite,  I  found  I  had  got  into  a  burf  already 
ockepied  by  more  trabelers  den  I  wish'd  to  swosheate  wid. 
I  picked  up  two  or  tree  and  took  dem  to  de  steward,  and 
ax  him  what  he  done  wid  dem  fellers  abord.  He  sed  he  put 
'em  dar  to  fatten  on  darkeys  till  dey  grow  as  big  as  sea 
turkels,  and  den  wen  dey  got  to  be  big-bugs,  he  stuffed  fried 
monkeys  wid  dem,  wid  cowcumber  sass,  and  perturnip  dump- 
iins.  I  soon  found  out  dat  I  coodent  git  no  sassagefacshun 
from  him,  and  as  I  dident  want  to  spend  de  nite  'mong  sich 
suckers  as  I  found  in  my  berf,  I  had  to  walk  de  deck  all  nite, 
and  wen  I  woke  up  in  de  mornin  I  found  I  hadent  slept  none 
all  nite,  and  I  wus  sick  abed.  I  was  trablin  for  pleasure 
and  piece  ob  mind.  I  dident  find  de  fust  article,  and  ef  I 
dident  git  piece  ob  mind,  I  got  my  body  moss  nocked  to  pieces 
on  de  rale  rode,  which  am  all  de  same  in  Dutch. 


182  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Wen  I  ribed  in  Bosson,  I  went  up  to  de  Severe  House 
and  handed  de  waiter  my  caird.  In  a  short  time  de  boss  ob 
de  house  cum  to  me,  and  looking  at  me  all  ober,  like  a 
jockey  does  a  boss,  he  sed,  "Dat  I  looked  suspeckable  'nuff, 
but  reely  he  coodent  take  me  in."  Dat  wus  de  fust  hotel  I 
ebber  hurd  ob  whar  folks  was  not  taken  in,  in  sum  way  or 
odder,  I  noe  de  more  de  waiters  take  a  feller  in  de  better 
dey  like  him.  Well,  den,  I  dident  noe  wat  to  do,  and  I  tort 
I  do  dat  fust,  and  I  did.  But  wat  it  was  I  will  tell  you  in  u 
nudder  letter  from  dis  old  tea-pot  country. 

De  kollecshuns  taken  up  in  my  absence,  must  be  sent  to 
me,  to  git  me  home  agin — derefore,  chip  up  brisklee  when  de 
sasser  flows  round,  an  belebe  me,  I  am  all  dat, 

Proffessor  JULIUS  SEAZER  HANNIBAL, 
R.  M.  T.  S.  F.  R.  S.  B.  C.  ASS,  and  S.  L.  in  G. 


LECTURE   LV. 

GRAND    RECEPTION    IN    BOSTON. 

B  WHALIN  FREXS  : 

IN  de  last  pistol  I  sent  you,  I  told  you  how  de  boss 
at  de  Severe  House  woodent  take  me  in.  De  reason  was, 
I  speck  he  tink  I  was  a  confugetif  from  de  Souf.  But  it 
dident  worry  me  none,  kase  I  hadent  bin  here  in  dis  city 
morn  a  nour  afore  de  news  'ribed  by  de  spress  wagon  dat  I 
wus  dere,  and  a  cummittce  ob  forty-fibe  from  de  Anti-Ig- 
numrence  Benefishal-own-your-own-Shirt  Siety,  waited  on 
me  at  de  hotel,  wid  red  aprons  on,  and  bajjers  on  dor  cotes; 


The  Professor  on  a  Target  Excursion. 


GRAND    RECEPTION    AT    BOSTON.  183 

and  formin  a  paltroon  in  frunt  ob  de  house,  I  walked  out  on 
de  pizarro  jis  as  stiff  as  ef  I  borded  dere,  and  felt  as  proud 
as  Daniel  Lobster,  when-  he  'dressed  his  cornstockewents, 
frum  the  same  place  lass  year,  'bout  E  Plurebus  Unum  and 
Political  Politicks. 

De  kommitte  told  me  dere  wus  a  great  gedderin  ob  de 
culored  folx  at  Brudder  Jonson's  Eatin  House,  watin  to 
heer  me  spoke.  I  pulled  out  de  ruffle  ob  my  shirt,  and 
jined  de  breddern  at  once.  They  toted  me  up  one  crooked 
'treet  and  down  anudder  crooked  'treet,  and  cum  round  to 
de  place  whar  we  started  from,  and  den  dey  led  me  doun  a 
holler  in  a  'treet  'bout  tree  foot  wide,  and  at  de  sine  ob  de 
"  Black  Sheep"  we  stoped  an  went  in.  Here  I  found  a  big 
room  filled  wid  brudders  and  sisters,  who  recebe  me  wid 
much  stinkshun.  Under  de  big  room  was  an  eatin  restora 
tive — de  reason  why  dey  call  it  a  restorative,  am  bekase  a 
good  many  tings  hab  bin  restored  to  der  ritefull  owner,  dat 
de  police  hab  from  time  immoral  found  on  de  premices.  Dere 
wus  a  platform  at  one  end  ob  de  room,  and  'pon  it  set  my 
old  friend  Deacon  Snowball.  He  rised  and  induced  me  to 
de  bredderin,  and  den  took  he  seat.  I  axed  him  wus  he 
gwane  to  spoke,  and  he  said  no,  dat  he  had  to  gib  up 
preachin  sometime  ago,  kase  like  odder  preecher  mans,  he 
got  de  brownkritters  in  de  trote,  but  he  coodent,  like  dem 
fellers,  go  souf  for  he  helf,  so  he  had  to  grin  and  bare  it. 
and  choke  it  doun  de  bess  way  he  cood.  Den  I  got  up  and 
told  dem  de  coperosity  ob  my  mind  dident  seem  to  segos- 
heate  at  de  present  period,  and  dat  I  coodent  distress  dem 
dat  ebenin,  but  ef  dey'd  take  up  a  kollecshun  dat  nite,  I'd 
gub  dem  fits  de  next  ebenin.  Den  dey  took  up  a  prescrip 
tion  in  a  hat,  fur  me,  mountin  to  fibe  and  sixpence  and  two 
bad  pennies,  and  den  doy  wited  me  to  go  to  supper  below. 
Wen  I  got  dar  I  found  a  long  table  spred  wid  plates,  wid 


184  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

five  roast  clams  in  de  shell  on  ebery  plate,  and  a  cracker  by 
de  side.  Soon  as  we  eat  de  clams,  we  bad  a  corse  ob  clam 
soup — den  a  corse  ob  fried  clams,  den  more  rost  clams,  and 
den  a  doenut  a  piece  ;  den  we  had  cowblay  soup  ;  toinatto, 
stew'd  wid  fickcaseed  turnips ;  den  dere  was  a  corse  ob 
Welsh  rabbit,  stewed  in  de  shell,  serbed  up  wid  turtle  dube 
jelly  and  skipper  cheese  (we  had  a  lively  time  wid  dis 
cheese).  It  cum  all  de  way  from  SmifFs  Hand,  nie  Fidelfy 
— den  dere  wus  a  great  wority  ob  meat — sheep,  lam  and 
.  mutton,  and  burloney  sassengers  turnd  ober — and  de  cum- 
pany  perspired  for  de  nite — and  I  went  to  bed,  too,  dere  bein 
one  prepared  fur  me  in  de  house.  Afore  we  supperated, 
we  all  had  a  little  bit  ob  perwentative  composition.  You  see, 
dey  darsent  sell  no  licker  up  here,  but  dey  drive  a  stif  bis- 
ness  in  de  composition  bitters  line — and  it  tastes  and  smells 
as  much  like  brandy  as  the  law  will  allow. 

De  nex  mornin  two  ob  de  brudderin  took  me  round  to 
see  de  touu,  and  I  look  all  round  de  warfs  for  de  tea  chists 
dat  de  Yankees  got  mad  'bout,  and  trowed  oberboard,  but 
I  coodent  find  none  ob  de  tea,  nor  de  chists  nudder  ;  and  as 
I  dident  see  notin  ob  dem,  I. don't  belebe  de  hole  story. 
But  de  folks  on  here  belebe  it — one  elderly  sister  dat  dey 
call  Anty  Breeder,  showed  me  her  tea-pot,  what  her  grand- 
mudder  gub  her  kase  it  wus  a  querosity,  it  bein  one  ob  de 
dieutical  tea-pots  dat  was  berried  when  de  folks  swore  dey 
woodent  buy  no  more  tea  frum  John  Bullock.  I  ax  dem 
ef  dey  tort  I  wus  a  tea-pot  'nuff  to  belebe  sich  a  storry  as 
dat. 

Sence  I  bin  here  I  got  a  good  meny  cornsolin  letters  frum 
home,  and  I  tink  I  will  cum  back  and 

Let  Isabelle  go  to — thunder,    . 
and  not  mind  her  no  more. 


WISE   CONCLUSIONS.  185 


LECTURE  LYI. 

WISE    CONCLUSIONS. 

LAMBASIODS  LAMBS  : 

HERE  I  is,  returned  to  you  like  a  borrowed  pound 
ob  candels.  I  is  mity  glad  to  see  sich  a  croud  sembled  bar 
on  dis  'portaut  caision.  I  tink  de  trabel  to  ole  Bosson  sitty 
hab  done  me  good,  kase  I  kum  back  to  ole  York  better 
sassagefied  wid  it  den  eb'ber,  notwidstandin  de  sassy  omni 
bus  dribers,  de  roudies,  de  poor  milk,  de  afflicting  Com 
mon  Scoundrels  and  de  tea  room,  and  I  gis  made  up  my 
mind  dat  dis  am  de  only  place  whar  Christian  Christianity 
am  fully  practiced.  Ebbery  ting  'bout  Bosson  seems  to  be 
cramped  up  like  a  miser's  hart.  De  'treets  am  cramped  and 
crooked.  De  minds  ob  de  peepel  am  cramped.  Menny  ob 
de  folks  I  met  dere  complained  ob  bein  cramped  in  de 
pocket,  and  almoss  all  de  time  I  wus  dere  I  had  a  cramp  in 
my  stomjack,  and  had  to  hab  a  standin  subscription  in  my 
pocket  from  de  dockter  man,  or  else  dey  woodent  hab  gub 
me  a  drop  ob  brandy  all  de  time  I  wus  dar.  You  all  noe 
dat  de  Maine  Licker  Gag  Law  am  in  full  forse  now  in  dat 
poor  forsaken  country,  and  no  rum  kin  be  had — but  de 
Yankees  noe  a  dodge  or  two.  Dey  hab  inwented  a  tern 
perence  bitters,  kalkelated  to  purefy  the  blood  ob  old  drink 
ers,  which  dey  sell  as  fast  as  free  cent  pieces  kan  roll  in. 
Its  a  perventative  to  de  colera,  and  it  am  astonishin  how 
menny  folks  dere  am  in  Bosson  dat  hab  suddenly  become 
afeerd  of  dis  disease.  Scarsely  a  nour  am  allowed  to  enter- 


186  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

wene  atwene  de  tacks  ob  fear,  and  den  a  little  ob  de  per- 
wentative  sets  dem  all  rite  for  a  nudder  nour. 

I  tole  you  in  my  last  letter  to  you  how  I  wus  vited  to 
spoke  to  de  bruddern  dere,  and  how  I  dident.  Now,  I  tell 
you  how  I  did.  I  tole  dem  how  I  fell  in  lub  wid  Isabelle, 
and  how  I  hab  been  slandered  and  debused  to  her  till  de 
match  wus  busted  up  and  I  wus  trublin  for  a  broken  hart. 
I  met  wid  much  simperty  and  small  change.  I  got  de  for 
mer  frum  de  sisters  and  de  latter  frum  de  brudders.  De 
sisters,  de  Lord  bless  'em,  simpsized  berry  much  wid  me.  I 
wus  vited  out  to  tea  and  doenuts  ebbery  ebenin  while  I  wus 
dar,  and  sich  a  display  ob  sweetmeats  and  goodies  ginerly, 
you  nebber  seed  ;  apple  sass  and  stewed  clams  ebbery  time. 
I  tell  you  dat  de  cullerd  folks  noe  how  to  lib  in  Bosson. 
True,  de  wite  abolishonest  won't  hire  dem  to  do  no  work  as 
long  as  dey  kin  git  an  Irishman  at  haff  price.  But  dere  de 
cullerd  folks  am  all  bosses,  and  you'l  find  out,  you  black 
scorpians,  who  am  boss  here  !  I  cum  home  agin,  and  you 
shall  noe — 

"  How  much  de  Ass  who  went  abroad  to  rome, 
Exceed  de  Ass  dats  luft  at  home." 

When  enny  ob  de  aristockracy  goes  off  a  trablin  to  for- 
rin  parts,  and  cum  home  agin,  dey  always  can't  shabe  no 
more,  and  muss  hab  curreous  cut  cloze  on,  and  dey  muss 
assume  de  airs  ob  dey  pepil  de  bin  wid,  else  how  de  debil 
wood  ennybody  noe  dey  bin  dar.  How  cood  you  belebe  a 
man  had  made  a  sea  voyage  unless  you  hear  him  sware — and 
how  will  folks  aoe  I  bin  trablin  widout  I  ware  har  all  ober 
my  face,  and  comb  my  mustashers  to  a  pint,  like  a  mouses 
tail,  and  git  a  cote  too  big  for  me,  wid  a  fur  koller  on — wid 
de  tail  cut  all  off  smack  smoff,  wid  sleeves  big  'nuff  to  hold 
a  haff  peck  ob  taters  and  a  dirty  shirt.  Derefore,  I  muss 


WISE    CONCLUSIONS.  187 

heb  all  dese  tings  afore  I  make  my  derbu-tt  in  Broadway 
Ef  you  don't  chip  up  and  git  me  dese  tings,  I'll  go  back 
to  Bosson  airly  in  de  mornin.  I  want  to  swell  as  well  as 
de  udder  ob  de  upper  crust,  and  I  must  hab  my  sallary 
raised  perpendickler  at  onst.  No  backin  doun  on  dat,  you 
hear  ? 

Anudder  ting  we  want  and  must  hab,  am  an  organ  in  dis 
room,  kase  de  shufflin  ob  your  big  feet  make  sich  a  noise  on 
de  flo  when  you  go  out,  dat  a  feller  can't  hear  heseff  tink. 
I  nose  an  Italian  round  de  corner  dats  got  a  hand-organ 
dat  he  will  sell  cheap,  but  whoeber  buys  de  organ  muss  buy 
de  monkey — and  de  idia  ob  my  congregashun  buyin  a  mon 
key  am  prospiterous.  I  tink  we  better  buy  boff,  and  send 
de  organ  here  and  de  monkey  to  de  Common  Connsil.  We 
want  de  organ  to  play  de  wolentendicktory  as  you  lebe  de 
seller  ;  same  as  de  organs  in  de  church  do,  when  dey  let  out. 
But  de  question  rises — who  will  be  organist  ?  How  much 
will  he  cost  ?  Can't  we  train  de  monkey  to  play  on  it  ; 
Dese  am  questions  dat  'quire  manure  judgement,  and  dere- 
fore  I  gib  you  all  a  whole  week  for  de  siderashun  ob  de  same 
— and  klose  proseedings  for  de  nite. 

I  is  'bliged  to  de  Tune  Fork  Siety  for  de  Sarahnade  dey 
gub  me  on  de  nite  I  got  home.  It  wus  berry  butiful  indeed, 
and  no  dout  I  shood  hab  liked  it  amazin  ef  I  had  hurd  it, 
but  I  dident  happen  to  sleep  home  dat  nite — I  wus  condolin 
wid  a  sick  sister,  and  dident  happen  to  hear  de  mewsic,  but 
I  hurd  dat  de  bones  used  on  de  caishun  wasent  squite  in 
tune. 

Will  Brudder  Alabama  Joe  pleese  pass  round  de  sasser 
and  look  out  for  counterfit  money. 


188  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  LVII. 

THE    INDIAN    SUMMER. 

LOQUACIOUS  LAMS  : 

DE  season  will  afford  me  a  subjick  for  wibration  dis 
ebenin.  We  am  now,  'cordin  to  de  almanack,  in  de  midst 
ob  de  Ingin  Summer.  De  wildest  poets  ob  'Merica  hab 
used  up  sebreal  quires  of  foolscap  and  penny  candles  in  tryin 
to  do  justice  to  de  perculiar  emotions  dat  dis  season  always 
trows  into  de  hart  ob  de  lubber  of  natur  ;  but  dey  cant 
do  it  to  dere  sassagefaction,  and  derefore  dey  try  a  new 
one  at  ebery  return  ob  it. 

De  reson  dat  it  am  call'd  de  Ingin  sommer  am  bekase 
de  wedder,  like  de  Ingin,  am  mity  treacherous,  and  unsartin  ; 
de  sun  will  rise  as  yellar  as  a  big  pumpkin  in  de  mornin, 
and  will  warm  up  de  arf  like  he  does  in  June,  for  a  nour  or 
two,  and  den  he  luff  a  ice  bugg  cum  afore  his  face,  and  chill 
all  creation  by  dinner  time,  and  cause  a  rise  in  coal  ob  tree 
cents  on  a  haft  a  peck  afore  nite. 

Just  so  it  am  wid  de  Ingin.  He  will  smile  in  your  face 
while  he  am  sharpenin  he  scalpin  nife  or  tommyhauk  to  cut 
your  troat  wid  in  de  middle  ob  de  nite  time.  Derefore,  you 
see  de  simalarity  am  perpendickler. 

Massa  Bryant,  de  poetizer,  who  am  always  found  at  he 
"  Post,"  sez  dat  dis  am  de  lemoncoly  season  ob  de  year.  I 
tink  he  muss  hab  ment  lemoncoloured  season,  for  if  you 
notice,  de  sun  heseff  looks  like  a  polished  lemon,  and  he  tinges 
eberyting  wid  lemon  dat  he  shines  'pon.  I  lub  to  walk  at 


THE    INDIAN    SUMMER.  189 

dis  time  ob  de  year  beyond  de  pale  fence  ob  sibilization,  and 
git  ober  into  Jarsey  and  cogitate  on  de  latter  ends  ob  man 
kind.  For  dis  purpose  I  took  my  big  cane  and  snuff  box 
and  a  woiage  across  de  oshun  to  Bohucken,  tudder  day. 
We  had  a  cargo  ob  Dutch  folks  and  Dutch  pipes  abord,  all 
ob  which  smoked  all  de  way  ober.  When  I  ribed  dar  I 
found  dat  old  Jack  Frost  had  paid  de  country  a  visit,  and 
probably  stayed  all  nite,  for  he  had  been  dere  long  'nuff  to 
paint  de  trees  in  waragated  colours.  Sum  he  tinged  in  gold, 
some  in  purple  and  sum  in  red — de  ceder,  like  de  hard 
hearted  sinner  am  too  proud  to  turn,  and  derefore  am  gis  as 
green  as  ebber. 

De  lass  time  I  seed  dese  trees  dey  wus  all  beaufully  green, 
like  a  newly  arribed  boy  from  de  country,  and,  like  de  lad, 
dey  sported  away  in  de  full  belief  dat  dey  wood  always  be 
young  and  bright ;  but  old  Jack  Frost  hab  'bin  mong  dem, 
and  sprinkled  dere  heads  wid  frost,  and  de  lebes,  like  de 
follies  ob  youf  frum  de  old  man,  am  fallin  tick  and  fast 
frum  de  old  staid  trees,  lebin  dem  stripped  and  sturdy  to 
widstand  de  blastin  winter.  De  little  birds,  too,  dat  'pear- 
ed  so  mity  glad  dat  I  cum  ober  to  see  dem  in  de  spring,  dat 
dey  chirped  and  sung  all  'round  me  in  de  woods ;  jumpin 
fust  frnm  one  lim  to  anudder  to  get  a  peep  at  me.  Dey,  too, 
am  gone  ;  dat  old  Jack  Frost  shook  he  finger  at  dem,  and 
drove  dem  off ;  dere  wasent  one  to  greet  me  wid  he  glad 
song  ;  and  eben  de  old  bull  frogs,  who  gub  free  consorts  fur 
notin  all  de  season,  frum  sundown  till  sun  up,  hab  gub  up  de 
ghost  since  Gresi  and  Mario  hab  cum,  and  dey  ain't  got 
a  word  to  say  for  demseff. 

As  I  stood  lookin  at  de  swamp  where  dey  use  to  was,  I 
tort  dat  de  poet  was  'bout  right  when  he  compared  dis 
world  to,  a  big  frog  pond,  and  all  de  pepil  to  frogs.  I  will 
read  you  what  he  sez,  and  see  ef  he  am  rite  or  not. 


190  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

DE  FROG  POND. 

Dis  world  am  all  a  frog  pond, 

I  tink,  widout  de  joke, 
Ders  frog's  ob  ebery  species  come 

To  kick  about  and  croak ; 
Dey  kick  and  croak  trough  marsh  and  ponds, 

To  catch  dar  share  ob  snacks, 
Until  death  comes  a  frog  fishing, 
And  wop's  dem  on  dar  backs. 
De  frog  am  a  bird, 

Widout  wing  or  fedder ; 
He  sing  all  de  spring, 
In  spite  ob  wind  or  wedder. 
Crook!  crook!!  crook!!! 

De  lawyer  he's  a  noisy  frog, 

He  crooks  about  his  fob  ; 
Upon  some  mossy  bank  he  sits 

A  waitin'  for  a  job  ; 
But  should  you  chance  to  want  his  aid, 

And  cum  widout  de  pelf, 
He'll  quickly  leap  into  de  stream, 

And  leabe  you  croak  yourself. 

De  editur,  he'm  a  lean  frog, 

Wid  scarse  'nuff  to  eat, 
An'  generly  so  crippled 

He  kan't  make  both  ends  meet ; 
De  same  to  him  am  day  and  nite, 

At  work  you'll  always  find  him, 
He  writes  to  please,  when  he  please  to  write 

Though  poverty  may  bind  him. 

De  preast,  he  am  a  yellor  frog, 
He  crooks  from  morn  till  nite, 

He  gibs  de  debil's  d to  all 

Who  do  not  say  he's  rite ; 


THE    INDIAN    SUMMER.  191 

De  justice,  he'm  a  bull  frog, 

He  does  justice  in  de  pounds, 
He  seats  heseff  on  sum  high  log, 

And  sings  out  "  blood  an'  nounds." 

De  gambler,  he'm  a  leap  frog, 

He  leaps  frum  crime  to  crime  ; 
De  poet,  he'm  a  scaly  frog, 

Dat  croaks  about  in  rhyme  ; 
De  lover  am  a  green  frog, 

And  isn't  he  a  sad  soul? 
De  dandy  neber  drops  he  tail, 

But  always  am  a  tadpole. 

Polytishuns  am  de  needy  frogs, 

Dat  crook  in  windy  speeches, 
Sometimes  dey  am  no  frogs  at  all, 

But  a  kind  ob  two-legged  leeches ; 
He'll  tell  you  he's  de  only  man 

In  de  nation  can  be  trusted, 
And  ef  you  don't  put  him  in  power, 

De  counteree  am  busted. 

Ef  dat  ar'nt  poltry  it  am  trufful,  and  dat's  gis  as  good. 

I  turn'd  and  lufFd  de  spot, 

Oh !  do  not  deem  me  weak. 
When  I  tell  you  dat  I'd  got 

A  cold  in  my  leff  cheek. 
And  an  old  smangled  stump, 

Dat  used  to  ake  me  so, 
Agin  begin  to  jump. 

And  sed  "  I  better  go." 

And  I  hab  de  toof  ake  eber  sence. 

Will  Brudder  Bunnel  please  pass  'round  de  sasser,  while 
Sam  Toolips  will  turn  de  organ  and  play  "Poor  Uncle 
Tom." 


192  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

• 

i 

LECTURE   LVIII. 

ON  GEN.  SCOTT. .. 

MY  STINGY  HERERS — 

I  PROMISED  lass  week  to  tell  yous  who  and  what 
Brig-a-Dig  Gen'ral  Windy  Scotch  am  ;  derefore,  he  him 
self  will  form  de  lenf  and  breff  of  my  subjick  dis  ebenin. 

Gen'ral  Scotch  was  born  in  a  soger  cote,  wid  big  bell 
buttons  on,  wich  de  nuss  sed  was  a  nignomen  dat  he  was 
born  for  a  soger  man — which  nignomen  cum  true  rite  away  ; 
kase  as  soon  as  Scotch  was  big  'nuff  to  know  a  broomstick 
from  a  mnstick,  he  enter'd  de  armey  as  a  powder  inonky, 
and  showed  as  great  sagashity  for  de  okkepation  as 
Donazetta's  Artists  do  for  deres.  He  soon  ribed  to 
be  captin  of  a  miletary  company,  and  when  he  was 
dressed  up  in  de  unicorn  wid  his  knackbacks  on  he  back 
and  appledoff  on  he  sholders,  he  look'd  as  brave  as  a  sheep 
in  a  butcher  cart.  From  ridin'  de  broomstick  in  airly  life 
he  soon  lern'd  to  ride  a  hoss,  and  wen  he  was  mounted  on 
his  hobby  he  could  outride  riders,  and  he  grew  up  a  great 
gen'ral,  berry  fond  ob  sogerin  and  clam  soup.  Dere  am  no 
noeiu  when  he  fust  akkuired  de  lub  ob  soup,  but  he  has 
'dulgd  his  apertite  freely  for  a  long  time.  De  only  time 
when  he  forgot  dat  healfy  beberage  was  when  he  cum  down 
on  de  British  at  Lunday  Lane,  and  giv'  dem  fits  wid  charge 
bayonets.  Talk  'bout  yur  telemgraffs  !  why  he  bete  dat  all 
holler  in  de  rapidity  of  he  movements  ;  and  afore  de 
enemeazels  had  tune  to  blow  de  smoke  away  from  afore  dere 
afrited  vizagera,  he  was  on  dem  and  all  ober  dem  like  a  pot 
ob  soup  a  bilin  obber,  and  dey  gub  up  de  ghost ;  and  den 


•       ON    GEN.    SCOTT.  193 

de  poets  make  song  'bout  de  wictory,  and  de  Geu'ral  took  a 
plate  ob  soup. 

De  nex'  time  his  deeds  stood  out  on  de  page  ob  history 
was  when  lie  took  de  soger  boys 

to  Mexico, 

And  gub  dem  stingo 
From  Sandamingo, 
by  jingo ! 

Dese  Mexicans  kicked  up  a  mus  wid  us,  and  tort  dey  cood 
flog  ole  ruff  and  reddy.  But  ole  Pork  and  Beans-gub  dem 
fits.  Dere  was  an  old  she  dragon  down  dere  named  Sarah 
Gorden,  dat  nohe  ob  de  natives  cood  master.  But  Massa 
Gen.  Taylor  took  de  starch  out  ob  her  bonnet,  and  left  her 
in  notin  but  a  terrable  bussel.  Well  dere  was  one  feller  dat 
took  up  de  fite  for  her,  kase  she  got  whipped,  and  he  was  found 
one  mornin'  by  daylite  by  Gen.  Scotch,  who  was  a  marchin' 
on  to  Mexico.  Dis  feller's  name  was  C.  Palter  Peck,  and 
when  Gen.  Scotch  told  him  to  surrender,  he  sed  he'd  see  him 
burn'd  fust,  else  he  wood  in  a  minerte.  Well  den  de  Gen'ral 
tuk  a  hasty  plate  ob  soup,  and  went  at  him  and  tan'd  he 
jacket  for  him  in  less  den  no  time,  and  sent  him  home  wid  a 
bloody  nose  and  a  flea  in  he  ear  for  he  gublerment.  Den  he 
took  a  plate  ob  clam  soup  for  'freshment  and  'laxation,  and 
sent  home  de  dispatch  wid  all  de  rounds  ob  de  fite  in  it. 
Den  he  took  more  clam  soup  and  moved  on  to  de  town  ob 
Mexico,  where  he  marched  in  at  de  head  ob  de  army,  like 
King  Shibbreem  ob  old  did  when  lie  went 

"  Away  obber  Jorden." 

Here  he  made  de  peeple  pay  all  his  'xpenses  for  comin' 
dere  to  lick  'em,  and  den  he  come  home  and  made  capital 
on  de  intrest  he  got  in  Mexico,  or  else  he  made  intrest  on 
9 


194  BLACK    DIAMONDS.    • 

de  capitol,  I  don't  noe  which  ;  but  he  cum  back,  and  de 
sogers  here  turn'd  out  and  he  view'd  dem  and  review'd  dem 
to  he  hart's  content.  Den  he  took  a  plate  ob  clam  soup  for 
heseff. 

Well  de  nex'  ting  we  here  ob  him  he  am  nomenated  for  to 
be  de  Presemdent  ob  de  Sunited  Tates,  by  de  conwenshun 
ob  wig  makers  at  Baltimore,  and  I  tell  you  he  makes  a  tall 
canditate — he  is  six  foot  ten  or  ten  foot  six  in  his  stocking, 
I  forget  which.  He  can  play  de  Scotch  fiddle  fuss  rate, 
kase  he  took  lessons  from  ole  Professor  Scratch  heseff. 

Dere's  one  ting  dat  makes  me  'mire  he  taste,  and  dat's  he 
great  lub  ob  clam  soup.  If  dere  am  ennyting  dat  shows 
de  uppecurian,  it  am  a  lub  ob  clam  soup,  and  derefore,  I  go 
for  him  ;  kase  if  he  get  'lected,  clam  soup  will  be  de  order 
ob  de  day,  and  Anty  Clawson  will  make  a  fortun'. 

And — who  put  de  lites  out  dere  ?  Say  !  who  wos 
it  ?  I  heer  you  all  a  snickerin  in  -de  dark.  I  find  out 
by  nex'  'lectur'  nite,  and  I'll  gub  dem  fits.  It's  a  shame 
to  stop  me  in  de  middle  ob  a  discord,  jis  when  I  was  comin' 
to  de  cream.  But  I  nose  de  reason  you  done  it,  you  black 
scorpians — it  was  so  you  coodn't  put  notin  in  de  sasser — 
kase  nobody  kan  hand  it  round  in  de  dark.  But  I'll  fix 
yon,  anudder  nite.  Jake  Bighed,  open  de  gate  and  luff  de 
flock  disparce. 


MORALITY.  195 


LECTURE  LIX. 

MORALITY. 
REFULGIN  HEARERS  : 

As  de  political  campain  proceeds,  morality  makes  a 
retrogate  movement  and  'wances  backwards.  As  'lection 
day  'proem's,  de  sale  ob  rum  increases,  till  I  speck  dat  by 
de  Forf  ob  Nowember  New  York  will  be  fluded  wid  de 
same.  Tings  hab  got  to  dat  pitch  when  a  rise  in  camfene 
am  considered  nessesary,  in  order  to  meet  de  grate  demand 
by  the  free  cent  dealers.  Takin  all  dese  tings  into  'sidera- 
tion,  I  hab  'eluded,  by  de  help  ob  de  almanack,  to  discord 
to  you  dis  ebenin  on  de  subjick  ob 

MORAL   MORALITY. 

I  tink  it  behaves  me  to  spoke  plain,  so  dat  you,  my  frens, 
may  not  fall  wictums  to  de  wices  ob  de  day.  I  found  out  a 
good  dele  'bout  de  morality  ob  de  age  todder  nite,  berry 
akedently,  too,  dat  pulled  de  wool  off  ob  my  eyes  'maisinly. 
I  will  tell  you  how  it  wus,  for  your  edication. 

You  all  noe  Dandy  Lena,  one  ob  de  hundred  head  waiters 
at  de  Misterpolitan  Hotel.  Well,  Lem  wus  one  ob  de  main 
infrinments  in  gittin  up  de  Sarahnade  for  me  on  de  nite  I 
cum  home  from  Bosson,  and  played  upon  the  comborion  on 
dat  noisy  'casion — so  I  tort  one  nite  lass  week,  when  I  wus 
walkin  out  for  medowtation,  dat  I'd  gis  stop  in  and  see  him ; 
so  I  call'd  at  de  kitchen  door,  and  wus  soon  seated  atween 
two  ranges  full  ob  fire,  whar  de  debometor  must  hab  been  a 
good  ways  above  phizarro,  kase  I  took  a  warm  baff  in  'bout 


196  BLACK    DIAMONDS 

five  minits.  Ef  I  had  been  libin  on  de  Isle  ob  Wite,  which 
I  find  on  de  map  ob  Jersey,  I  coodent  a  felt  more  bleached 
den  I  did  when  Lem  cum  doun  stars  and  rescued  me  frum 
my  meltin  mood  by  witin  me  up  stairs  in  his  "  studio,"  whar 
he  blacks  de  gemmon's  boots.  Dar  we  talked  ober  de  art 
ob  polishin  different  tings,  and  Lem  sed  he  had  recebed  a 
stugent  dat  day  to  larn  de  art.  I  told  Lem  dat  his  profes 
sion  wus  pretty  much  like  mine,  and  odder  great  teachers  ob 
mankind,  kase  we  all  tried  to  polish  de  understandins,  and 
I  dident  see  but  what  he  made  de  best  show  ob  he  laburs. 
Dat  made  Lem  feel  mity  proud.  Arter  complimentin  me 
on  my  siantific  requirement,  he  axed  me  ef  I  ebber  seed  a 
play,  in  de  play-house.  I  told  him,  "  Yes  ;  I  recumlocked 
goin  to  de  teatre,  gis  to  study  character,  when  young  and 
afore  my  edication  was  confuted  and  finished,  and  seein 
Hamlet,  or  Gimblit,  de  Prince  ob  Dunkirk,  where  one 
ob  de  Rochester  Nockers  cum  to  tell  de  Prince  'bout 
de  syrup  ob  swills  on  de  Porkenpine — and  I  once  seed 
Micalbeth  performed  by  a  Scotch  soger  man  in  berry 
short  cloths."  "Ah,"  sed  Lem,  "talk  ob  short  close, 
gis  you  cum  wid  me  fru  de  private  door  us  fellers  hab 
made  fru  de  garret  wall,  and  I  will  take  you  to  de  gallery 
ob  Massa  Niblo's  Saloon,  and  I'll  show  you  sites  in  dat 
way." 

So  I  followed  Lem  up  a  dozen  crooked  stairs,  and  at  last 
he  opened  a  little  door,  and  sure  'nuff  we  was  in  to  Niblo's 
gallery.  De  house  was  full  ob  folks,  and  as  I  looked  down 
'pen  de  stage,  I  seed  a  hole  lot  ob  lubly  lookin  wimmon 
jumpin'  bout  in  dresses  dat  make  me  blush. 

"  It  shocks  my  modesty  berry  much,"  sed  I  to  Lem, 
"  but  I  wish  I  had  one  ob  dem  dubble  barreld  spy-glasses 
dat  I  see  all  de  gemmon  hab,  gis  to  see  'zactly  how  neer 
being  dressed  dey  am." 


MORALITY.  y  197 

As  I  sed  dis,  a  tall  figure  dressed  in  a  suit  ob  jacket  and 
tight  briches,  cum  bouncin  on  de  stage. 

"  Who  am  dat  ?"  axed  I  to  Lem. 

"Dat's  Madum  Soso,"  sed  Lem. 

"  Git  out,"  sed  I,  'stonished  to  de  back  bone.  "Dat  aint 
a  womon  do,  am  it  ?" 

"  Yes  it  am,"  sed  Lem.  "  She's  dancin  out  de  caractor 
ob  de  '  Sivil  Barber/  and  dat  lady  dere,  in  de  gauze  dress, 
am  Miss  Pourgee  ;  de  pepil  like  to  see  'em  as  much  unlum- 
bered  wid  dress  as  possibel." 

Well,  I  wus  puttrified  wid  'stonishment,  to  see  Soso  and 
de  rest  kick  up  dere  heels,  frow  der  legs  up,  and  hear  de 
folks  scream  ancore,  or  show  more,  I  coodent  disackly  hear 
which,  but  de  more  dey  danced  and  spun  'round,  de  more 
de  pepil  liked  it,  specily  de  ole  wite  heded  fellers  in  de  seats 
nie  de  fiddlers — dey  stamped  and  claped  and  smacked  dere 
ole  chops  so  loud  dat  I  heerd  dem  plain  'nuff  to  be  sartin. 
Putty  soon  all  de  ladies  in  pink  stockins  and  short  frocks 
cum  doun  to  de  lites,  and  made  dere  arms  and  legs  fly  in 
ebbery  direcshun  ;  den  dey  all  whirl  'round  and  try  to  make 
a  pot  chese  like  de  school  girls  does,  and  den  doun  cum  de 
curtin,  and  de  gass  at  de  same  time. 

"Why,  I  dident  speck  to  see  sich  tings  as  dese,"  sed  I 
to  Lem,  as  we  groped  our  way  back.  "  I  tort  dis  wus  a 
garden,  full  ob  trees  and  flowers." 

" So  it  am,"  sed  Lem,  "fur  'bout  fifty  foot  in  de  middle 
ob  de  lot,  dey  call  it  garden  to  kotch  dem  pepil  dat  like  to 
whip  de  debil  'round  de  stump.  Dere  am  a  great  menny 
folks  who  wood  go  to  a  garden,  Museum,  Athaneum,  or  a 
Lyceum,  when  dey  woodent  be  seen  at  a  teatre." 

"  But  whars  de  difference  ?"  asked  I. 

"  De  odds,"  grinningly,  sed  Lem. 

I  luff  Lem,  and  went  and  stood  by  de  front  door  ob  de 


198  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

garden,  and  seed  de  ladies  and  gemmen  cum  out ;  and  I 
found  dey  were  de  berry  most  'specktable  class  ob  wite  folks. 
I  seed  members  ob  de  church  'mong  dem,  and  dcrefore  I  tink 
it  am  considered  'specktable  to  go  to  sich  places.  Derefore 
you  may  all  go  to  enny  sich  places  as  am  mentioned  by 
Lem,  widout  fear  ob  injurin  your  moral  moralities.  But  ef 
I  cotch  enny  ob  you  goin  to  a  Teatre,  look  out,  I'll  be  doun 
on  you  like  a  sarch  warrant.  You  may  go  see  de  moral 
drama,  but  luff  me  cotch  you  seein  de  drama  widout  de  moral 
'tached  to  de  name,  and  I'll  fine  ebbery  one  ob  you  a  bushel 
ob  coal,  as  I  see  no"  odder  way  to  raise  a  fire  here  dis 
winter. 

Brudder  Bummel  will  pleese  pass  'round  de  sasser,  and 
make  dem  fellers  .dat  want  to  chip  up  silver  put  in  two  free 
cent  pieces.  I  don't  meen  to  hab  no  more  nockin  doun  on 
me  wid  dem  church  robbin  coins.  Nex  week  I'll  gib  you 
some  more  sass — boff  kinds,  fur  your  moral  apple  dumplins. 


LECTURE  LX. 

QUACKERY. 

INFAMUS  DECIPLES  : 

You  will  find  de  words  ob  my  text  dis  ebenin,  in 
enny  ob  de  noosepapers,  ef  you  look  fur  it ;  and  you  will 
find  plenty  ob  it  all  ober  de  kedentry  widout  lookin  for  it, 
'bout  dese  days,  as  de  almanack  sezs ;  and  de  fact  ob  its 
bein  so  prebelent,  am  de  grand  reason  why  I  tink  I  ort  to 
show  it  up  to  your  enlarged  understandins.  I  shall  derefore 
emty  my  nolege  box  on  de  siance  ob 


QUACKERY.  199 

QUACKERY. 

Ef  a  former  wos  to  belebe  all  he  hear  on  his  ribal  to  dis 
kedentry,  he  wood  pot  os  doon  in  he  scrach  book,  for  a 
nation  of  quacks  ;  for  he  am  sure  to  hear  somebody  call'd 
a  quack  'bout  ebery  nour  in  de  day,  and  de  fact  can't  be 
got  ober,  nor  under,  dat  dere  am  a  great  menny  different 
kinds  ob  quackery  ronnin  loose  all  ober  de  komunity.  We 
hab  de  quack  doctor,  de  quack  preecher  man,  de  quack 
lawyer,  de  quack  politishun,  de  quack  artist,  de  quack  boot 
black,  and  de  quack  lecturer.  But  it  is  mity  hard  for  us 
poor  ignorent  sinners  to  find  out  who  am  de  quacks  from  de 
Simon  pure,  ob  all  de  professions  in  life.  Eben  I,  myseff, 
wid  all  my  siantific  resorses,  hab  been  foold  in  one  way 
and  annudder,  till  I  douted  my  own  wisdom  ;  but  I  hab 
cum  to  kind  ob  refmetick  rangement  wid  myseff,  by  which  I 
can  suffer  up  de  merits  agin  de  demerits  ob  folks  I  meet  in 
de  world  at  large,  and  cum  to  my  own  cornclusions,  and  I 
will  tell  you  how  to  find  'em  out. 

Wen  you  hear  a  preecher-mau  take  he  tex  frum  de  scrip- 
tor,  and  preech  from  de  newspapers,  and  when  he  use  de 
words  ob  our  Saviour,  to  probe  his  politikal  docktren  in  de 
pulpit,  you  may  in  safty  bet  yoor  dinner  dat  he  am  a  quack  ! 
and  I  don't  noe  a  more  contempable  man  in  de  site  ob  de 
Lord  and  man,  dan  a  quack  in  relegion. 

When  you  hear  a  lawyer  talk  'bout  sacrificin  he  kon- 
shunce  to  he  bizness,  and  offerin  to  stake  his  existence  on 
de  rezult  ob  your  case  in  de  ward  cort,  and  at  de  same  time 
wants  a  Y  or  an  X  for  his  'pinion,  and  boasts  ob  he  nolege 
ob  Blackstone  and  Bluestoue,  ef  you  aint  got  a  nose  dat 
am  too  flat  to  smell,  you  can  plainly  smell  quackery  and  bad 
gin,  while  he  am  talkiu  to  you. 

When  yo'i  heer  a  pollytishun  spout  'boot  his   lub   ob 


200  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

country,  and  de  dreful  sacrifices  he  am  daily  makin  for 
de  same,  and  tell  you  dat  his  'ponent  am  a  liar,  a  scoundrel, 
a  jack-ass,  a  platoon,  a  drunkard,  a  coward  and  a  tief,  you 
may  take  your  oaf  on  a  stack  ob  my  leckturs,  dat  he  am  a 
quack,  clean  doun  in  he  boots. 

When  you  see  a  gineral,  dat  am  nominated  for  a  high 
office,  runnin  all  ober  de  country  to  find  a  lot  big  anuff  to 
bild  a  Horsepital  to  keep  he  wounded  in,  and  stumpin  it  all 
de  way  long,  you  may  put  it  doun  as  comstructive  quackery 
in  de  third  degree,  as  de  Jury  sed,  when  old  Jake  Longhed 
stole  de  saddle  wid  a  horse  under  it. 

De  quack  artist  am  pretty  easily  seen  fru,  but  it  takes 
some  little  time  to  find  'em  out,  and  dats  de  reason  so  menny 
ob  de  furener  musicians  and  actors  dat  send  money  and 
ready  written  puffs  ahed  ob  dem,*lraw  one  or  two  big  houses 
afore  de  folks  find  out  dere  true  merits,  and  dey  find  dere 
lebel. 

But  de  quack  dat  hab  puzzled  me  de  moss  to  find  out,  am 
de  quack  doctor.  Go  to  the  Alempafist,  and  he  will  put  he 
hand  under  he  coat-tail  and  patronizingly  tell  you  dat  de 
home-pafist,  de  Crono  Turmal,  de  Water  Cure  man,  and  de 
root-beer  and  yarb  doctors,  all  am  quacks.  Go  to  eder  ob 
dese  fellers,  and  dey  will  tell  you  de  same  'bout  all  de  udders, 
'cludin  de  Allapofist.  One  am  always  callin  de  oder  quack, 
'till  a  common  man  don't  noe  which  one  to  chose  in  case  ob 
sickness.  I  seed  a  berry  'musin  scene  once,  in  de  'treet.  It 
wus  quite  singular  dat  so  menuy  different  kinds  ob  docktors 
shood  meet  gis  at  dat  time,  at  dat  spot;  but  so  it  fell  out  or 
fell  in,  gis  as  you  like.  One  day,  when  I  was  takiu  a  strole, 
pickin  up  reflecshuns  for  you,  I  seed  a  young  mob  'round  a 
feller  dat  lay  squirmin  on  de  sidewalk.  Dere  wus  haff  a 
dozen  different  docktors  'rouud  him,  and  dey  were  'sputin 
who  cum  fust,  and  who's  pashent  he  wus.  De  alempafisfc 


QUACKERY.  201 

clamed  him,  and  had  he  lansit  in  he  hand,  and  wanted  to 
bleed  him.  He  sed  it  was  a  case  ob  "  highstrikes,"  and  ort 
to  be  blistered  on  de  trunk  or  chest,  I  forget  which.  De 
homopapist  sed  it  wus  his  case,  and  calld  for  a  tub  ob 
water,  and  sed  dat  ef  de  water  wus  got,  and  he  wus  to  drop 
one  ob  he  little  pills  in  it,  and  luff  de  man  smell  it  tree  times 
true  de  week,  dat  he  wood  be  well  by  Sunday.  Dis  brought 
out  a  hydropafist  present,  who  sed  "De  man  don't  want  to 
smell  de  water,  or  taste  it  ;  he  muss  hab  he  hed  ducked 
under  all  ober,  all  de  morning."  A  man  wid  a  paper  ob 
kiann  pepper  in  he  hand,  beged  dat  dey  woodent  fool  wid 
de  man,  but  take  him  at  wonst  to  some  Tom  Sonian  doctors, 
and  hab  de  disease  biled  out  wid  ellick  compain  and  sassa- 
gefax.  While  dey  were  arguin  de  pint,  de  man  contribed 
to  set  up,  and  looking  at  de  crowd  ob  specktators  wid  a 
gaze  wordy  ob  old  Toodles,  sed,  "Now  see  here,  you  fellers 
don't  noe  noffin  'bout  my  case.  It  ain't  water  I  want,  but 
brandy.  I  allers  did  hate  that  water,  and  only  took  it  as  a 
medicine." 

De  doctors  all  sloped,  while  de  people  laffed.  De  fact 
wus,  de  man  had  been  taken  suddenly  drunk,  and  coodent 
uavagate  wid  he  load  no  furder,  and  had  fell  doun. 

Now  de  question  rises,  which  one  wus  de  quack  ?  Deres 
no  tellin  till  I  git  to  be  a  stugent  ob  medicine  rnyseff,  and 
put  de  world  rite.  De  blackgards  will  meet  on  de 
useal  corner  to  practice .  de  trowin  ob  old  cuds  of  'backer 
and  stumps  ob  segars  on  wite  hats  till  taken  up  by  de 
police,  prebious  afore  goin  a  target  shootin. 

Daddy  Rice  will  please  pass  'round  de  sasser  dis  time. 
De  hat  he  used  on  de  last  'caishun  I'm  afraid  hab  got  a 
false  crown  in,  for  de  kolleckshun  wus  radder  short. 


9* 


202  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE   LXI. 

BOOK-KEEPING. 

PALUTED  SINNERS  : 

I  HAB  bin  inquested  by  a  disciple  who  sines  he  name 
"  Clerk,"  to  lecture  dis  ebening  on  de  subjick  ob 

BOOK-KEEPING. 

Derefore,  I  will  do  de  same,  'in  order  to  pleese  de 
inquisitor. 

I  don't  noe  no  dark  myseff,  spechely,  'septin  Tom  Woolly- 
paight's  oldest  boy  Jim,  who  am  clerk  to  a  barber's  assist- 
ent  in  Antony  street,  and  I  don't  belebe  he  nose  'nuff  'bout 
book-keepin  to  last  him  ober  uite,  derefore  I  kant  kontribc 
who  it  am  dat  wants  litenin  on  dat  subjick. 

Book-keeping  am  one  ob  de  dryest  subjicks  dat  I  ebber 
'tempted  to  kogetate,  and  I  don't  noe  ob  a  dryer  set  ob 
fellers  den  de  book-keepers  gincerely  am.  One  book-keeper 
told  me  dat  de  dryest  time  he  ebber  'sperience,  was  durin 
the  monff  ob  August,  wnen  he  had  to  book  ober  twenty 
tousand  boxes  ob  red  herrin.  It  'fected  him  to  dat  degree 
dat  he  took  to  drink  for  more  den  a  week  arte\vards.  Ho 
positively  'serted  dat  while  he  was  bookin  dese  tings,  his 
troat  got  so  dry  dat  he  spit  notin  but  little  bits  ob  cotton 
all  de  time.  Dere  am  sebrel  kinds  ob  book-keepers.  Dcr.s 
de  feller  dat  keeps  all  de  books  he  kin  borrow  or  steal— d<:!> 
deres  de  publishers  who  am  compelled  to  keep  more  book> 
dan  dey  want,  'speshely  ef  dere  books  don't  take.  T>on 
derea  de  folks  dat  buy  more  books  den  dey  keep,  and  dos.* 


BOOK-KEEPING.  203 

dat  keep  more  books  den  dey  buy,  and  I  is  compelled  to  say 
dis  latter  class  am  as  tick  as  skeeters  in  September. 

Book-keepin  bab  more  to  do  wid  de  welfare  ob  mankind 
den  a  man  would  be  apt  to  see  at  fust  sight  widout  de  aid 
ob  a  pair  ob  filosofical  specktickels,  for  I  find  dat  all  de 
success  ob  man's  life  in  dis  world  and  in  de  world  to  come, 
am  in  a  berry  great  degree  dependin  on  how  he  books 
balance. 

Ef  de  biggist  sum  am  load  to  cumalate  on  the  rong  side 
ob  he  legger,  he  bizness  muss  bust  up,  and  he  go  to  de  Poor 
House,  and  ef  he  can't  show  a  clean  sheet,  well  balanced, 
when  de  final  'counts  ob  de  world  am  settled  up,  he  will  be 
apt  to  find  heseff  in  a  wqrs  place  den  a  Poor  House.  But 
prudence,  economy,  and  a  proper  exemcise  ob  de  bump  ob 
"  lib  widin  your  income,"  will  per  went  de  fuss  catastrefy, 
and  an  upright  life  will  balance  de  sheets  in  de  great  book 
ob  life. 

Dis  great  book  ob  life  am  a  berry  serious  ting  for  a  man 
look  into,  ef  he  'zamin  it  closely.  Ebbery  day  opens  a 
clean  sheet,  whereon  you  may  rite  good  deeds,  charity,  lub 
to  your  fellow  man,  and  homage  to  de  gibber  ob  all  good  ; 
or  you  may  rite  I  cheated  my  nabor,  I  wronged  de  widdow, 
I  fool'd  wid  de  gifts  ob  Providence,  got  drunk,  and  in  de 
Station  House,  or  ennyting  else  you  pleese.  But  de  worst 
ob  it  am  dat  what  am  wunst  put  down  in  de  book  ob  life 
kan  nebber  be  scratched  out.  Its  ritten  in  'delable  ink  by 
de  hand  ob  de  recordin  angil,  and  ole  Satan  heseff  kaut  rub 
it  out.  You  kant  recall  de  sins  ob  to-day,  to-morrow,  morn 
den  you  kan  cure  de  headake  arter  a  drunk  by  promicein 
not  to  git  drunk  agin. 

I  heerd  a  story  'bout  old  Uncle  Sam  Luckey  and  he  rat- 
taild  dog,  dat  I  tink  am  hiely  isustrated  on  dis  fac. 

Ole  Sam  and  he  dog  wus  a  loafin'  round  Washington 


204  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Market  one  mornin,  and  in  dere  walks  dey  steped  'bord  on 
one  ob  de  fishin  smacks  dat  lay  in  close  congelement  to  do 
market,  and  arter  lookin  at  de  size  ob  de  king  fish  and 
porgees,  and  feelin  de  wate  ob  de  clams,  he  come  to  a  dozen 
big  lobsters  dat  lay  on  de  poop  deck.  De  dog  followed  him, 
and  got  'mong  de  lobsters,  and  ole  Pete  Scaley,  de  Captain 
ob  de  smack,  tort  he'd  hab  a  little  fun  wid  de  dog,  so  he 
slily  pull'd  de  plugs  out  ob  de  big  claws  ob  one  ob  de  lobs 
ters,  and  in  less  den  a  minit  de  pendin  tail  ob  dat  dog,  dat 
had  hung  doun  as  beauful  and  strate  as  a  penny  dip,  wus 
clutched  twene  de  claws  ob  de  lobster,  and  got  a  squeze 
heretofore  unnone  to  de  dog.  Ponto  gub  one  yelp  and  leap 
togedder,  and  landed  on  the  warf,  lobster  and  all,  and  away 
he  went  true  de  market,  under  de  feet  ob  de  huxtors  and  de 
pie  woman,  and  'mong  de  legs  ob  de  butchers,  who  evidently 
tort  he  needed  pluck,  for  dey  trowed  dem  at  him  at  ebery 
turn. 

At  last  he  got  out  ob  de  market,  and  up  he  went  to 
Broadway,  and  scattered  de  swells  and  belles  in  ebbery 
direction.  Pete  Scaly  and  Uncle  Sam  looked  arter  de  dog 
in  stonishment,  and  Pete  seeing  dat  he  wus  likely  to  pay 
de  price  ob  lobster  for  he  joke,  calld  out  to  Uncle  Sam  to 
whistle  back  de  dog.  But  all  Pete  cood  git  out  ob  Uncle 
Sam  was,  "You  whistle  lack  your  lobster."  But  dat  lobster 
wns  like  de  deeds  ob  yesterday,  it  coodent  be  whistled  back, 
and  gis  as  dat  lobster  cotch  dat  dog,  so  ole  Satan  will  cum 
de  open  and  shut  game  on  you,  ef  you  don't  keep  your  eye 
skinned  for  future  futurity.  Derefore,  look  out  how  you 
keep  book,  and  see  dat  your  good  actions  will  more  den 
ballance  de  sins  and  corruptions  ob  your  life. 

Somebody  stole  de  piece  ob  weddin  cake  Brudder  Hyatt 
sent  me,  and  ef  I  find  him  out  I'll  fine  him  a  bushel  ob  doe- 
nuts. 


A   DARKEY    WEDDING    ALMOST.  205 

It  wasent  de  rats  dat  stole  it,  kase  dere  aint  any  rats  in 
dis  seller  ;  for  I  kotched  mor'n  a  hundred  myseff,  in  Anty 
Clawson's  trap. 

I  is  glad  you  bout  de  organ,  kase  it  can  play  "De  ole 
folks  at  home."  Brudder  Godolphus  Squash  will  turn 
de  crank,  while  Brudder  Lem  Lazyhed  passes  'round  de 
sasscr. 


LECTURE    LXII. 

A  DARKEY  WEDDING  ALMOST. 

SUSPECTED  SATALITES — 

You  see  me  dis  ebenin  in  a  condishun  onbecomin  a 
public  teacher,  but  when  I  splain  to  you  how  I  got  dis  black 
eye  and  flatten'd  smeller,  I  tink  you  will  escuse  me  fur 
'pearin  afore  you  in  dis  sicherashun,  'spechily  wen  you  take 
in  'siderashun  dat  wen  I  stop  my  mouff  here,  my  jaws  am 
stoped  at  home,  also  likewise.  Ef  I  hadent  a  lectured  to 
nite,  my  coughfee  and  sassengers  wood  hab  cum  off  radder 
short  in  de  mornin,  kase  Anty  Clawson,  like  odder  ladis 
who  take  borders  only  for  cumpany  sake,  wants  de  money 
for  my  bord  ebery  week.  I  hab  tryed  berry  hard  to 
poswade  her  dat  money  wus  de  root  ob  all  ebil,  and  dat  she 
hadeut  orter  hanker  arter  ebel  so  much.  All  I  cood  get 
out  ob  her  insensable  hed  was,  "Well,  I  kin  always  find 
room  to  plant  sich  roots  in  my  pockets."  And  to  dis  day, 
ef  I  don't  pay  up  ebery  week,  she  looks  as  black  agin  as 
possible  at  me,  at  ebery  meal  till  de  bord  am  pade.  It  am 
singular  how  mity  perlite  she  am  wen  she  nose  I  got  de 
bord  reddy  fur  her.  She  will  lean  back  in  the  cheer  and 


206  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

say,  "  Professor,  you  will  find  the  clam  soup  fine  to-day,  I 
put  allspice  and  uiion  in  a  purpose,  kase  I  •  node  you  liked 
dem,  and  you  will  find  de  biled  macrill  mity  nice  ;  I  got  Xo. 
37  gis  to  please  you,"  &c.,  but  luff  rne  git  a  week  'hiudliand, 
aud  ef  I  take  the  smallest  little  bit  ob  macrill  on  my  plate, 
she  will  flo-it  her  head  back,  and  roll  up  her  eyes  like  a  die- 
ing  caff  and  say,  "  I  did  tink  when  I  put  that  macrill  on  de 
table,  dat  dere  wood  be  'nuff  fur  de  payin  borders,  but 
frum  present  'perences,  I  dout  it."  Den  I  remind  her  dat 
human  kalculashun  offin  fail  in  dis  worle,  and  she  mussent 
spect  too  much  ;  blessed  am  dey  dat  speck  little,  for  dey 
won't  be  disapinted. 

But  dis  ain't  tellin  you  now  I  got  dis  bunged  eye,  which 
I  ment  to  do  in  the  fust  place,  but  now  I'll  tell  you  all 
'bout  it. 

I  wus  settin  todder  nite  warmin  my  shins  by  the  fust  fire 
ob  de  season,  when  de  seller  door  opend,  and  a  boy  ob  some 
9  summer,  or  summer  complaints,  I  forgit  now  which,  as  de 
novellest  say,  entered  de  'partment.  In  one  hand  he  held 
dat  useful  article,  'bout  dese  days,  none  as  a  pocket-hanker- 
sher,  which  he  persevered  in  usin  in  de  most  industrious 
manner.  In  de  odder  he  held  a  Billy  Duck,  done  up  wid 
free  corners,  and  he  asked  for  me  by  name,  My  boy,  sed  I 
— I  always  say  "  my  boy  "  to  folks,  like  de  actors,  bekase 
it  looks  detrimental  and  big — I  am  de  gemmon  you  am 
arter — den  he  gub  me  de  Billy  Duck,  in  which  I  found  :m 
inquest  to  cum  megitaly  to  No.  —  Pigtail  Court,  and  marry 
Miss  Jamima  Pacilla  Brown  Bentshins  to  Mr.  Camptown 
Swellhed,  Esq. 

Dere,  tinks  I  to  myseff  in  my  bed,  am  a  fifty  cent  job  at 
least,  so  I  rose  up  and  put  on  my  hat,  and  told  the  lad  to 
promnlgnte  thither,  and  I  wood  impress  de  aaf  in  lie's 
rear. 


A   DARKEY   WEDDING   ALMOST.  207 

"  Wat  you  mean,  ser  ?"  ax  he. 

"  I  mean,  in  common  talk,  go  on,  I'll  foller  you,"  sed  I. 

Well,  he  led  me  to  Jamima's  house,  and  clere  wus  de 
cumpany,  all  reddy  fur  the  execution.  De  bride  blushed  all 
she  cood  when  I  went  in,  and  de  groom  begin  to  whistle 
Nucy  Feal.  De  bride  had  on  a  pink  frock  wid  loose  sleebes 
and  roses,  and  on  her  brow  sat  a  wreaf  ob  orange  blossoms, 
and  for  fear  dat  enny  ob  de  folks  woodent  noe  what  dey 
wus,  she  wore  a  big  orange  in  her  hair  'mong  de  blossoms, 
which  made  her  look  some  punkins,  now,  I  tell  you.  De 
groom  wore  wite  trowsers,  green  gerocco  boots,  red  west, 
green  cote,  wid  brass  buttons,  and  in  he  bosom  a  dogseera- 
tipe  ob  his  lub,  in  a  gilt  .frame  'bout  six  by  six,  which  gub 
him  a  berry  pickturesque  'pearence. 

Putty  soon  arter  I  cum  in,  dey  went  a  whisperin  'bout, 
and  den  big  Ben,  de  whitewasher,  wid  his  hand  witewashed, 
to  look  like  wite  kids,  cum  to  me  and  sed,  "We're  reddy.' 
Den  I  stood  up,  and  de  cupple  retreated  towards  me,  and  I 
wus  gis  a  gwaue  to  ax  dem  de  useless  question  always  axed 
on  sich  caisons,  when  de  door  was  busted  open,  and  a  tall 
black  man,  almost  wite  wid  rage,  bounced  into  de  room  and 
sclaimed,  "Stop  deni  forgered  nuptilizatians ;  dat  gall  has 
been  dethroned  to  me  dis  six  monfs,  and  I  cum  to  claim 
her."  "  Ah  !  say  you  so,  my  noble  lord,"  sed  de  groom, 
and  he  squore  heseff  fur  a  fite,  and  I  put  up  my  hands  to 
perwent  it,  and  got  two  frum  de  big  feller  on  de  coco-nut, 
one  in  de  place  I  eat,  one  in  de  eye,  and  one  on  de  nose, 
afore  I  node  whar  I  wus.  When  I  found  myseff,  I  wus  in 
de  entry,  and  de  two  billigarent's  wus  a  fitein  in  de  room. 
De  wimmon  run  for  de  police,  but  as  useal,  it  wasent  dere 
turn  to  be  out  dat  ebenin,  and  so  dey  cum  back  widout  enny, 
and  two  sisters  led  me  home. 

Dats  the  fust  and  last  time  dat  I  bin  to  a  weddin,  and  I 


208  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

assure  you  on  my  word,  dat  notin  but  de  suckemstance  I  gis 
told  you  'bout,  cood  hab  sedued  me  to  lebe  afore  de  refresh 
ments  wus  passed  round. 

De  nex  day  de  groom  called  on  me  wid  he  face  done  up 
in  poultaces,  and  sed  dat  he  is  guane  to  marry  Jemima,  for 
sure,  next  week,  and  I  shall  hab  de  job,  so  I  shan't  lose  de 
haff  a  doller  arter  all.  Ef  I  am  called  on  to  'form  de  exe 
cution  afore  next  lectur  nite,  I  will  tell  you  all  'bout  it  den. 

Will  Brudder  Bleecher  Wite  pleese  pass  'round  de  time 
'onered  sasser  ? 


LECTURE  LXIII. 

POLITICAL    REFLECTIONS. 

REBUKED  WOOLEY  HEDS — 

SENCE  de  lass  time  I  had  de  imperence  to  distress 
you  fruin  dis  ole  platform,  dis  mity  country,  includin  Jarsey, 
hab  bin  ruined  and  saved  all  in  one  day,  and  Massa  Generel 
Windy  Scott  and  Brudder  Seward  hab  taken  passage  in  de 
canal  bote  Disapiutment,  for  de  upper  lakes  on  Salt  Riber 
to  look  for  a  hospital  big  'nuff  to  hold  seberel  hundred 
pollytishuns  who  hab  sacrificed  demseffs  in  der  country's 
cause  for  de  lass  four  years — and  now,  arter  sufferin  under 
de  wait  ob  big  sallarys  and  oberloaded  stomjacks,  muss  hab 
an  assilam  whar  de  turkle  soup  am  made  ob  clams  and  sea- 
biskit,  and  whar  shampaine  am  made  ob  hard  sider,  and 
whar  fried  oysters  and  lam  frys  am  serbed  up  in  de  shape 
ob  pork  chops  and  sassengers,  wid  all  kinds  ob  sass  from  de 


POLITICAL    REFLECTIONS.  209 

waiters,  and  whar  dey  kin  lay  pipe  for  de  new  campain 
undisturbed  by  due  bills  and  conscience. 

What  a  pity  it  am  for  Brudder  Seward,  who  was  a  layin 
so  beaufully  low,  and  keeping  so  carfully  mum,  till  sich 
times  as  he  was  called  to  de  cabinet  maker's  shop  in  Wash 
ington,  by  de  Hero  ob  Chipawa,  Rescue-Dave-L-Palmer, 
Pully-all-toes,  Sarah  Gorden,  and  odder  hard  fit  fites.  Ef 
he'd  a  got  into  dat  shop,  he'd  a  kep  dis  nashun  on  de  grid 
iron  ob  aggetation,  and  he'd  a  sprinkled  mustard  aud  Man 
pepper  on  de  raw  places  ob  de  body  politick,  till  dat  body 
wood  hab  broken  out  in  an  open  'ruption  all  ober,  which 
copias  bleedin  by  de  sword  alone,  wood  sabe  frum  utter  diso- 
lution.  Anty  Clawson  sez  she's  glad  ob  it.  She's  glad  dat 
he  got  defected.  Kase  he  no  bizness  to  go  to  de  Irish  fellers 
arter  he  once  swasheated  wid  de  cullard  poppelashun,  kase 
he  nose  how  opposite  dey  am  in  sex,  compossihon,  dis- 
posishun,  whiskey  drinkin  and  fitein.  She  sez  he  orto  stay 
'niong  he  own  folks,  de  cullard  people,  and  luff  de  Irish  look 
out  fur  demseffs.  How  fur  Anty  Clawson  am  rite,  I  lebe 
future  futurity  to  find  out. 

On  de  odder  side  ob  de  house,  de  Dummycrats  hab 
gained  de  day,  and  dem  fellers  dat  you  hab  met  widout  enny 
ober  display  ob  linen,  dose  dat  hab  giben  no  ockler  domen- 
stration  ob  owniu  a  shirt  for  de  lass  four  years,  will  soon  be 
met  atweue  high  heeled  shirt  collars,  wid  ruddy  cheeks  and 
red  noses.  Dose  dat  hab  libed  on  red  herrin  and  saw-dust 
puddins,  till  dey  got  as  a  lean  as  my  sallary,  will  soon  be 
seen  in  de  market-places,  buyin  in  mock  turkles,  and  bonein 
turkeys,  whenebber  dey  kin,  and  goin  into  stufin  ginerly, 
until  dey  git  corperashuns  on  dem  like  de  eels.  Dat  long 
promiced  time  when  Rome  wus  to  be  made  to  houl  will  now 
soon  'ribe,  and  de  howlin  will  be  kept  up  all  nite.  A 
'spectable  man,  like  me,  won't  be  'loud  to  walk  de  treets 


210  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

arter  nine  o'clock,  kase  it  am  sich  a  one-sided  gubberment, 
dat  de  high-binders  will  hab  it  all  dere  own  way,  ef  we  don't 
look  out. 

De  majority  in  fabor  ob  dumocracy,  wus  as  oberwhelming 
as  a  galon  ob  lasses  on  a  single  buckwete  cake,  and  'bout  as 
sweet  to  dem.  I  node  on  'lecshun  nite  afore  de  noose  ribed 
by  de  telliegraff  which  party  hab  gained  de  day  ;  kase,  as  I 
was  comin  out  ob  de  seller  dat  ebenin,  'bout  ten  o'clock,  to 
wisit  a  sick  sister,  and  carry  her  a  few  clam  soup,  I  was 
ruffly  'suited  by  a  feller  in  a  monkey  jacket  and  rolled 
up  trousers,  who  smashed  my  hat  doun  ober  my  head,  and 
told  me  to  hurrah  for  Pierce  and  King,  and  passed  on  wid 
as  much  apparent  pride  and  sassefacshun  as  ef  he  had  gub 
sum  poor  distressed  mortal  a  dollar  to  keep  starbashun  off. 
Dat  was  'nuff  for  me,  I  node  who  was  'lected,  and  I  tole 
Auty  Clawson  so  when  she  unbonneted  me. 

When  a  man  gits  'lected,  for  an  orfice  for  de  fust  time,  he 
ginerly  feels  dat  he  am  ob  as  much  emportance  to  de  coun 
try  as  a  musical  clock  am  to  a  Dutch  lager  beer  shop,  and 
berry  offin  'buses  de  power  him  ambishun  hab  crabed — but 
let  sich  chaps  look  out  what  airs  dey  resume,  for  ef  I  cotch 
dem  a  cuttin  it  too  fat,  and  comin  it  too  strong,  I'll  lite  on 
dem  like  a  hawk  on  a  handsaw. 

I  understand  dat  de  lublers  ob  siance  hab  met  to  'siderate 
'pon  de  'priety  ob  presentin  me  wid  a  piece  ob  plate  or  a  set 
ob  cups  and  sassers,  ou  de  completeshun  ob  my  fiftyef 
Lecture.  I  hab  bin  waited  'pon  to  noe  how  much  I 
will  pay  for  de  same,  and  how  much  I  will  pay  for  de  sup 
per — and  dey  told  me  to  rite  de  prescripshun  to  put  on  it. 
Derefore,  a  kollecshun  will  be  taken  up  for  de  purpose.  I'll 
rite  de  speech  for  de  committee  to  make  to  me,  as  soon  as  1 
see  'nuff  money  to  buy  de  tings.  I  pint  de  followin  on  de 
standin  kommitte,  and  ef  I  kotcli  dem  getting  so  drunk  at 


FOLLOWING   THE    FASHION.  211 

de  supper  dat  dey  can't  stand,  I'll  fine  dem  'cordinly — Sam 
Ledderlip,  Jake  Hosshed,  Samuel  Godolphuss  Lutts,  Wil 
liam  Henry  Harrison,  Napoleon  Johnson,  Henry  Clay  Mudd 
and  George  Washington  Lafayette  Berrywinkle,  Cudgo 
'  Arlington  B.  Fenton  will  proceed  wid  de  hat ;  de  sasser  am 
broke. 


LECTURE   LXIV. 

FOLLOWING      THE      FASHION. 

(Grand  Presentation.} 

SELUBIOUS  DISCIPLES. 

DERE  hab  bin  hie  old  times  kicked  up  sence  I  lass 
spoke  de  words  ob  wisdom  to  you  from  dis  old  platform. 
Sence  den  I  hab  recebe  great  stinckshun  ob  honor,  in  a  tea 
pot  and  odder  tings.  De  kommittee  on  de  hole  dat  was 
pinted  lass  lecture  nite  to  get  up  a  set  ob  tea  tings  to  present 
to  me,  sent  me  word  to"  my  santo  skunktorum,  as  we  say 
in  French,  de  odder  day  dat  I  wus  wanted  on  Monday 
mornin  at  de  office  ob  de  newspaper  called  de  Picaynne, 
which  paper  hab  published  all  my  lecturs — batteram  add 
likker  ab  'em,  as  de  Ingins  hab  it — and  dere  I  wood 
find  de  s'et  ob  tea  tings  to  present  to  me  as  a  great  'stinc- 
shun  ob  honah  !  Dey  told  me  I'd  hab  to  rite  de  speech  for 
de  presemdent  ob  de  kommittee  on  de  hole  to  say  to  me 
when  he  gub  me  de  tings.  I  derefore  set  up  all  nite  to  rite 
it,  and  de  next  raornin  I  dressed  myseff  in  my  best  nip  and 


212  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

tucker,  as  de  sailor  men  say,  and  doun  I  went  to  de  orfice, 
and  sure  'nuff,  I  found  it  full  ob  people. 

When  I  entered,  dey  whispered  one  to  de  odder.  "Dar 
he  is — fine  old  feller — good  bed,"  and  sich  misgibbins  as 
dese,  and  megitly  made  way  for  me  to  get  to  de  counter.  I  • 
felt  as  flimsy  as  a  clam  dat  hab  bin  open  in  de  sun  for  a 
week,  and  de  persperashun  poured  out  ob  me  till  I  swet  wid 
xcitement.  I  set  upon  de  counter,  and  dey  gub  me  free 
cheers  ;  and  den  Brudder  Jonathan  steped  up  to  me,  holdiii 
in  he  hands  a  big  tea-bord  full  ob  teapot,  clam  soup  boul 
and  pitcher,  and  dus  dressed  your  wordy  teacher  — 

"  Professor  Julius  Seaser  Hanabal — Suspected  sar  :  It 
hab  bekum  a  kustom  heah,  in  dese  diggins,  when  a  man 
wants  to  git  into  orfice,  or  wants  to  make  a  swell  in  de 
world,  to  hab  a  set  ob  plate  presented  to  him  by  his  frens. 
De  fuss  ting  de  man  does  when  de  idia  seizes  him,  to  hab  de 
plate  presented  to  heseff  am  to  do  somefin  to  somedody,  for 
somebody,  or  fo,r  de  country  at  large,  on  which  to  hang  de 
xkuse  for  doin  de  same.  Den  it,  am  blowed  in  all  de  noose- 
papers  dat  Mr.  What-you-call-'em  hab  done  so  and  so,  and 
his  frens  am  gwane  to  present  him  wid  a  plate  ob  service,  or 
a  service  ob  plate,  for  doin  de  same.  Den  de  plate  am  put 
in  some  shop  winder  and  showed  to  de  folks  ;  den  it  am 
presented  ;  den  de  mun  gubs  his  frens  a  grand  supper, 
(which  you  am  bound  to  do  on  dis  'caision,)  speeches  am 
made  ;  some  git  drunk,  and  dar  de  matter  ends,  ef  some  ob 
de  party  don't  git  in  de  Stashun  House  on  de  rode  home. 
But  wid  you,  sar,  it  am  different.  You  don't  ask  for  no 
orfice,  and  it  am  well  for  de  kommunity  dat  you  cant  git 
none.  Sittin  all  dese  tings  aside,  like  a  leaky  tea-pot,  I 
muss  spress  to  you  de  repugnence  ob  my  feelins  in  dus  bein 
de  windy  instrument  fru  which  de  kommittee  on  de  hole 


FOLLOWING    TIIK    FASHION.  213 

present  desc  tings  to  you.  Derefore,  in  considerashun  ob 
your  great  and  preposterous  larnin,  siantific  requirements, 
dazzling  talents,  unabridged  and  unchained  nolege,  unmiti 
gated  genus,  unterified  honesty,  presumptuous  standin  in 
'siety  and  general  uselessness,  we,  de  people  ob  your  con- 
gregashun,  do  hereby  present  you  dese  tings,  in  commisera- 
shun  ob  de  exalted  suspishuns  ob  your  character  as  a  man, 
a  teacher  ob  siance,  and  a  refulgent  scholar ;  and  as  Horace 
(not  Greely,)  has  it,  nux  vomicher,  "  Pluracy  Uniurn,"  "  sick 
tramper,  glori  Monday  morning,"  "  Nous  verons,  Tilletude- 
lum  Bone  Saw  and  Au  Resovoir,"  which  means,  dat  ef  it 
badent  a  bin  for  your  diabolical  renowned  lecturs,  de  buties 
ob  clam  soup  and  siance  generally  wood  nebber  hab  bin  none 
to  a  darkened  world  ;  derefore,  we  consist  on  your  taken 
dese  tings  :  and  as  offin  as  you  pour  de  tea  from  dis  tea-pot, 
tink  dat  it  am  de  outpourin  ob  our  lub  and  indignashun  into 
your  cup  ob  bliss.  We  hab  ordered  de  supper  at  Anty 
Clawson's.  Yours,  respectfully.  JONATHAN.  / 

I  will  'mit  dat  dis  oberpowering  speech  ober  ballauced  me 
— and  I  rose  wid  all  de  dignity  ob  an  underdone  buckweat 
cake,  and  spoke  as  follows — 

"  Gentlemen  ob  de  committee  on  de  hole,  and  spectators 
generly — I  hunted  all  ober  de  dickshunary  lass  nite  to  find 
big  words  'miff  to  put  into  a  speech  a  yard  long,  but  arter 
I  got  it  togedder,  I  foun  it  only  mounted  to  one  sentance, 
and  dat  am,  I  tank  you  clar  down  in  my  boots.  Dut  I  don't 
fully  understand  dis  biziness.  You  gub  me  a  lot  ob  tea 
tings  here,  worf  'bout  twelve  shillins,  'cordin  to  paunbrokers 
waluashun,  and  I  got  to  gib  you  all  a  supper  dat  cost  more 
den  five  dollars.  What  do  I  make  by  de  operashun  ?  dats 
de  question.  But  I  speck  its  all  rite,  and  derefore  I  'cept 
ob  your  pology  and  all  de  rest  ob  de  tea  tings.  Your  lerned 


214  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Presemdent  ob  de  kominittee  on  de  hole,  hab  bin  plesed 
to  put  in  de  big  licks  in  regard  to  my  talents  and  genus,  and 
I  speck  dat  am  all  rite,  too.  Ef  I  had  weeded  de  paff  ob 
siance,  and  got  up  some  ob  de  bigest  stumps  in  de  way  ob 
de  stugent,  I  is  amply  paid  when  I  heer  sich  fellers  as 
Jonathan  cotein  Latin  and  French  wid  all  de  looseness  ob  a 
colera  season.  He  ludes  to  my  prase  ob  clam  soup.  I  will 
'mit  dat  I  lub  dat  artickle,  but  de  reason  I  was  so  brilliant 
on  it,  was  for  fear  dat  sum  ob  dem  skillin  lecturers  at  de 
Tubernickel  mite  do  it  afore  me,  and  git  all  de  credit.  I 
will  not  detain  sich  a  hungry  lookin  crowd  as  you  from  your 
supper,  no  longer.  I  don't  beliebe  one  ob  you  hab  eat  as 
much  as  a  cracker  sence  you  heer  'bout  dis  god-send  to  you. 
"  You  can  hab  de  tings  to  put  in  der  winder  ob  de  Picayune 
Office  to  show  de  outsiders,  till  furder  notice." 

When  I  wus  done  spokein,  we  journied  to  Anty  Clawson's 
seller,  and  precipitated  ourseffs  into  de  clam  soup  and  odder 
luxeries,  'bout  which,  I  hab  not  time  to  tell  you  dis  ebenin, 
but  I  will  tell  you  ob  it  nex  week,  maybe.  I  got  home, 
some  how,  afore  daylite,  and  woke  de  iiex  mornin  wid  de 
useal  bumble  bees  in  my  hed.  I  wus  jis  gwane  to  send  for 
a  Second  Soda  Bottle  wid  my  lass  sixpence,  when  a  man 
come  to  de  doa,  and  axed  for  me.  I  axed  him  to  cum 
in,  and  what  he  wanted  wid  me.  He  told  me  he  was 
de  Smiff. 

"  Smiff !  Smiff !"  sed  I;  "  which  one  ob  dem  ?" 

"  Tin  Smiff,  sed  he. 

"  Well,"  sed  I,  "  Tim,  how  is  you  ?"  When  I  sed  dis,  de 
man  looked  daggers  at  me,  and  sed — 

"Not  Tim,  but  Tin  Smiff  ;  I  am  de  tin  smiff  dat  made 
de  tea  pot  dat  was  presented  to  you  lass  nite,  and  I  want 
my  pay  for  makin  dem.  De  kommittee  told  me  you  wus  to 
pay  for  dem." 


FOLLOWING    THE    FASHION.  215 

"  Croch  all  Hemlock,  Gosh  a  mite,"  sed  I,  perfectly  dum- 
cumfounded.  "Ipade  for  de  supper!  Why  de  tea  tings 
wus  persented  to  tae  for  de  siderashun  of" — 

"  I  don't  noe  notin  'bout  dat,"  sed  de  Smiff,  "  dey  told 
me  to  look  to  you  for  de  money.  I  woodent  hab  trusted 
dem  fellows,  no  how;  but  noein  de  tings  wus  for  you,  and 
you  git  a  fair  sallary,  I  made  'em  up  'cordin  to  order,  and 
now  I  want  de  pay.  Ef  you  don't  fork  ober,  I'll  go  take 
de  tings  out  ob  de  winder  in  Fulton  street,  and  sell  dem  at 
oxshun." 

Well,  to  cut  a  long  tail  short  wid  de  sheers  ob  brevety,  I 
had  to  borrow  de  money  from  Anty  Clawson,  to  pay  de 
bill,  and  I  got  to  pay  it  back  out  ob  de  kollecshun  dis  ebenin. 

Now  ain't  you  a  putty  set  ob  ongrateful  scorpians,  to 
humbug  me  in  dis  way.  I  told  de  kommittee  on  de  hole 
dat  I  coodent  efford  to  hab  de  tings  presented  to  me,  kase  I 
node  I  wood  hab  to  pay  for  de  hole  opperashun  like  the 
wite  fellers,  but  dey  persisted  in  complishin  der  bisness  on 
me,  kase  dey  node  a  supper  on  de  'caishun  wus  indispute- 
able,  and  dey  cood  all  stuff  der  jackets  as  full  as  a  berlona 
sassenger,  free  gratis  for  nofin  at  my  xpense,  and  dey  went 
in  for  de  same  wid  a  pertickler  rush — but  I'll  fix  dar  flints 
afore  I'm  done  wid  dem.  Ef  you  don't  chip  up  finely  to- 
nite,  de  tings  will  hab  to  go  up  de  spout  in  de  mornin. 

Brudder  Freelinhysen  Goff  Jonson,  pleese  pass  'round 
de  hat. 


216  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  LXV. 

HOW    IT'S    OFTEN    DONE. 

SUSPECTED  FILABUSTERS — 

IN  my  lass  discord  to  you,  I  gub  you  a  descriptshun 
ob  de  persentin'  ob  a  set  of  plate  to  your  long  suspected 
teacher,  and  I  told  you  dat  maybe  I  wood  tell  you  'bout  de 
supper  dat  I  had  to  pay  for  at  Anty  Clawson's.  But  as 
dere  wus  berry  little  'curred  afore  my  recolecshun  wanished, 
(which  wus  along  'bout  twelbe  o'clock),  wordy  ob  note, 
septin  dat  George  Augustus  Thomas  More  Horace  Greely 
Henry  Clay  Butts,  a  niece  of  Anty  Clawson's,  cum  nie 
chockin  heseff  to  deff  wid  a  big  Cow  Bay  clam  dat  he  tried 
to  swallow  in  de  shell — and  Uncle  Jake  Longheel  took  a 
drink  ob  punch-  so  hot,  dat  it  killed  all  de  brown  creturs  dat 
he  hab  had  in  he  troat  for  the  lass  two  monffs — de  fac  am, 
I  belebe  dat  punch  was  made  out  ob  camfene,  for  Fll  stake 
my  dinner  dat  it  wus  strong  nuff  to  kill  at  sixty  yards  ;  and  it, 
or  de  clam-soup,  or  de  sassengers,  or  de  hoe-kake,  or  de  raw 
clams  did  cum  putty  nie  killin  Anty  Clawson  sheseff.  She  told 
me  nex  day  dat  in  de  middle  ob  de  nite-time  she  wus  taken 
wid  an  orful  case  ob  de  Wat-you-call-it,  and  she  got  up  and 
took  niely  a  pint  ob  Wats-its-name  afore  de  lobster,  or  de 
sassengers  wood  lay  still.  Uncle  Tone  Clawson  swares  it 
wus  de  sassengers,  for  he  sez  he  heard  a  growlin  in  de  bed 
afore  Anty  woke  up  wid  de  pain.  K"ow,  as  we  all  ob  us 
noe  putty  neer  what  sassengers  am  made  ob,  Uncle  Tone's 
argument  seems  clar. 

A  great  menny  people  hab  bin  doun  to  de  Picayune  Office 


HOW   IT'S   OFTEN     DONE.  217 

to  'spect  de  set  ob  plate  in  de  winder;  all  day  long  de  walk 
am  crowded,  and  all  who  sees  it,  'sclaims:  how  beauful,  how 
chaste !  but  dere  am  berry  few  dat  nose  how  much  dey  had 
to  be  chased  arter  afore  jist  de  pattern  de  kommittee  on  de 
hole  wanted  cood  be  found.  Dey  chased  into  ebbery  junk 
shop  in  de  sity  for  that  clam-soup  tereen,  and  dat  elemgent 
pitcher.  De  coughfee  pot  was  made  by  de  tin-man,  which 
I  had  to  pay  for,  as  I  tole  you  lass  week.  I  feel  mity  prowd 
sense  I  git  dese  tings,  aldo  I  had  to  pay  for  de  supper  and 
de  tings  myseff,  and  rite  all  de  speeches  dat  was  sed  to  me 
as  a  stincshun  ob  honah — and  I  hab  worn  my  best  Sunday 
cloze  ebber  sense.  As  I  lemonade  down  Broadway  de  gem- 
mens  look  at  me  fru  der  eye  glasses,  and  all  de  ladies  peep 
out  ob  de  corners  ob  dere  brite  eyes,  as.  much  as  to  say,  I 
wonder  who  am  goin  to  share  de  tea  tings  wid  you  ? 
Ebberybody  smiles  on  me,  kase  dey  all  noe  dat  all  de  siance 
in  dis  world  dat  am  worf  noin,  am  locked  up  in  the  uoledge 
box,  which  am  opened  once  a  week  for  the  litenment  ob  de 
human  mind  and  pockets.  While  I  get  de  smiles  ob  one 
party,  I  get  de  frowns  ob  de  odder,  and  I  don't  car.  When 
I  fust  commenced  lecturin,  two  years  ago,  I  did  my  bess 
to  suit  ebbery  body,  but  I  found  dat  was  as  imposable  as 
for  me  to  raise  a  dollar  at  de  present  speekin  'bout  my 
close,  derefore  I  gub  it  up,  for  I  seed  dat  dere  was  sum  in 
my  congregashun  jis  like  der  am  in  ebbery  older  congre- 
gashun,  dat  neber  was  pleesed  wid  anyting,  not  eben  dere 
own  seffs.  Sence  I  commenced  to  lite  up  de  dark  walks  ob 
siance  wid  de  gas  lite  of  nolege,  dere  hab  bin  a  good  menny 
wite  men  dat  become  as  jealous  as  tunder  ob  me,  and  tried 
der  bess  to  swamp  me  by  gibin  shillin  lecturs,  two  shillin 
lecturs  and  haff  a  dollar  lecturs,  and  now  seein  dat  I  am 
still  rooster  ob  de  prominade  here,  dey  hab  sent  ober  to 
London,  whar  de  newspapers  hab  stole  my  lecturs,  and  got 

10 


218  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Massa  Thackery,  de  man  dat  rote  de  book  'bout  shoemakers, 
to  cum  ober  to  floor  me.  Thackery  am  a  wise  man,  full  ob 
wisdom  aud  fun,  but  I'll  lay  him  out.  I'll  shut  he  mouff 
close  as  a  paunbroker's  shop  on  Saturdays.  It  will  be  seen 
wedder  de  pepil  will  radder  hear  'bout  de  rain  dat  was  sent 
by  Queen  Anna,  at  free  dollars  a  hed,  or  wedder  dey  will 
still  prefer  de  solid  chunks  of  nolege  dat  fall  'pon  your  en 
larged  understandins  from  dis  old  platform,  at  de  low  price 
ob  free  cents.  No !  I  shall  nebber  be  dribben  off  my  plat 
form  by  no  furener  or  native  rambasender  to  de  Corts  ob 
Siance,  but  like  old  King  Cruso,  of  old,  I  shall  rap  myseff 
up  in  my  refulgent  dignity,  and  stand  on  de  poop-deck  in  de 
rotunda  of  fame,  and  wabe  de  pocket  hankersher,  wid 
Siance  printed  on  it,  and  die  in  5e  cause  ob  siance  widout 
taring  my  shirt  or  disranging  my  tilet  to  enny  malicious 
extent. 

Sence  de  sasser  got  broke,  we  hab  had  to  take  de  kol- 
lecshun  up  in  de  hat,  and  now  we  kin  use  de  big  tea-bord 
dat  cum  wid  de  tea-set  dat  was  persented  to  me  by  de 
kommittee  on  the  hole. 

Brudder  Iciiius  Jerome  Napoleon  Smith  Rooster  will 
pleese  pass  round  de  same,  and  be  earful  to  gib  back  no 
change — small  change  am  worf  free  cents  on  a  dollar. 


The  Professor  and  Aunty  Clawson. 


WOMAN'S  RIGHTS.  219 


LECTURE  LXVI. 

WOMAN'S  RIGHTS. 

BKLUBED  BRUDDEN — 

SINCE  I  descended  de  roosterum,  as  we  say  in  Tur 
key,  to  poligamate  de  beauties  ob  siance  in  all  its  warious 
colors,  dere  hab  bin  sich  a  hurd  ob  lecturers  swarmin'  de 
town,  dat,  pon  my  word,  it  seems  as  do  de  lowcuses  of  Egipt, 
dat  we  reed  'bout  in  de  s^)elum  book,  had  lighted  on  "dis 
community,  and  deafen  de  public  ear  wid  dere  buzzin.  We 
hab  Lecturers  from  Europe,  who  cum  here  to  comfab  wid 
de  Snobocracy  ;  we  hab  Lecturers  from  Boston,  who  cum 
to  tell  us  'bout  de  Pilgrim's  Progress  to  de  Plymoff  Rock, 
and  de  way  to  manefactur  wooden  meg  nuts  and  pegged 
shoes  ;  we  hab  Lecturers  from  Turkey,  who  lecture  on 
Greese,  and  Greasy  lecturers  talkin'  'bout  Turkey.  Konsorts 
am  no  longer  call'd  Konsorts,  but  Musical  Lecturs,  in  which 
music  amfry'd  brown,  and  made  radder  ober  done  by  five 
hundred  choras  singers.  But  de  most  remarkable  ob  all  de 
mankind  lecturers  am  de  woman-kind,  who  cum  'mong  us  and 
trow  down  the  gimblet,  or  gauntlet — I  forgit  which,  but  it 
am  all  de  same — and  openly  declar'  war  wid  de  Lord  ob 
Creation  for  de  breeches,  and  spout  'bout  wot  dey  call 
Woman's  Rights. 

Now,  I  hab  hard  a  good  deel  'bout  dese  Woman's  Rights, 
and  sebreal  ob  de  sisters  hold  a  con-wenchon  like  de  wite 
women,  on  de  subjick,  lass  year,  which  you  will  recommem- 
ber  ended  in  a  fite,  by  sum  low  cullord  pusson  puttin'  out 


BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

de  lites  jis  as  Ant  Rachel  wus  gwan  to  spoke  on  de  prebe- 
lence  ob  Liein  and  darkey  babies.  Dese  shemale  cogetators 
talk  all  de  time  'bout  Woman's  Rights,  and  nebber  say  a 
word  'bout  Woman's  Leffs.  Now,  I  like  to  noe  boff  sides 
ob  ebbery  question,  and  derefore  I  will  mention  a  few  ob  der 
Lefts  as  well  as  dere  Rights  ;  and  in  huntin'  up  ebedence  on 
de  question,  I  find  dat  one  woman  left  a  baby  at  de  door  ob 
an  Alderman,  lass  week  ;  anodder  leff  one  at  de  house  ob  a 
Priest,  all  done  up  in  red  flannel  and  holdin'  a  track  in  its 
hand,  called  "  Suffer  little  children  to  come  unto  me."  But 
wot  am  wuss  to  me  dan  dese  tings,  dat  ole  washerwoman 
dat  mangles  my  shirts  weekly,  kff  town  Tuesday,  wid  my 
bess  ruffle  shirt,  and  I  speck  she  will  wear  it  at  de  nex  con- 
wench  on  ob  Woman  Rights. 

Dese  womans  all  want  to  be  Captains,  when  ole  Human 
Nature  formed  em  spressly  for  mates  ! — When  a  sailor  cap 
tain  ships  a  mate,  he  ships  a  mate,  he  dont  ship  a  captain. 
Dere  can't  be  two  captains  abord  one  clam  sloop  ;  and  if 
de  mate  fools  around  de  captain  and  tries  to  boss  it  obber 
him,  de  captain  am  jis  as  sure  to  lam  him  ober  de  head  as  I 
am  to  hab  de  rumatism  afore  de  nex  storm.  Defore,  you  see 
if  a  woman  ships  on  board  ob  de  canal  boat  Matrimoney  as 
de  help-mate  ob  de  captain,  she  must  be  content  to  be  mate, 
and  help  de  captain,  or  else  she'll  find  de  debil's  own  trowble 
in  de  caboose  house.  Tings  hab  stood  dis  way  ebber  sense 
de  year  one,  when  Adam  wore  jacket  and  trowsers,  and  so 
dey  will  stan  as  long  as  de  sun  shines  on  the  lofty  Benjaman 
Loman's  hills  of  Skotland. 

Talk  'bout  de  Woman's  Rights  !  why,  dey  hab  more 
rights  now  den  dey  noe  wot  to  do  wid  ;  and  wot  few 
she  aint  got,  stfe  takes.  I  pity  some  ob  dem  poor  fellers 
dat  tout  dey  marred  angels,  jis  as  ef  ennybody  ebber 
seed  a  shemale  angel  in  de  pictur'  books  !  I  don't  belebe 


WOMAN'S  BIGHTS.  221 

dar  am  eny  shemale  angels  in  dis  world  ;  dey'm  all  he 
fellers. 

Some  men  spile  der  wifes  by  bein'  intirely  too  sweet  to 
dem,.  when  dey  fust  git  married,  pettin'  dem  up  wid  sugar 
plums  and  sich  tings,  and  lettin  dem  hab  ebberyting  dere 
own  way  for  a  while  an  den  try  to  fite  it  out  ob  dem  de 
second  clous  ob  de  fust  year. 

If  ebber  it  shoold  be  my  lot  to  bring  de  highmenial  alter 
to  enny  young  woman,  I  should  'sist  pon  sleepin'  on  de  front 
side  ob  de  bed  de  fust  nite,  and  I'd  stick  to  it  fruout  my 
natural  life.  I  go  in  for  gittin  married.  It  must  be  rite, 
kase  ebberybody  does  it  ;  derefore,  I  say  unto  you,  spend 
not  your  days  in  single  retchedness,  nor  your  nites  edder, 
but  get  a  mate  to  cook  de  witals  while  you  stear  de  bark  ob 
life  into  de  snug  harbor  ob  Prosperity,  and  may  your  crew 
increase  as  rapidly  as  you  all  may  wish  ! 

Brudder  Julius  Mark  Anthony  Polus  will  please  hand 
round  de  tea  board.  If  enybody  wants  me  to  lecture  on 
eny  partickler  subjeck,  luff  em  send  in  de  inqust  and  name 
it. 


222  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    LXVII. 

THE  RESULT  OF  DILIGENCE. 

LUXURIOUS  LAZARETTOS — 

IN  de  lass  clows  ob  my  lass  lectnr,  I  sed  ef  enny  ob  my 
congregashun  wished  me  to  lectur  on  enny  perpendickler 
subjick,  to  send  it  in  to  me,  and  'cordinly  I  recebe  dis  pistol 
from  some  well-meanin  brudder  ; — 

"  Mr.  Hanabel — Please  lectern  on  the  word,  '  Search  de  Scripture,' 
and  ef  you  have  a  mind  to,  you  may  do  much  good  among  your 
thousands  of  readers. 

"Ax  ADMIRER." 

Now,  my  frens,  Mr.  Admirer  seems,  like  a  good  menny 
odder  folks,  not  to  understand  me  or  my  mission,  at  all. 
Frum  de  fast  to  de  last,  during  de  four  years  dat  I  hab 
lectured  to  you,  I  hab  nebber  meddled  wid  religous  sub- 
jicks,  or  intended  in  any  way  to  burlesque  religion,  or  eben 
to  speak  light  ob  it ;  but  der  am  hardly  a  week  passed  during 
dat  time  I  had  not  been  'quested  to  lectur  frum  sum  tex  pinted 
out  to  me  in  de  good  book  ;  but  I  hab  nebber  done  so,  as  I  do 
not  claim  to  be  a  preecher  man,  but  a  compounder  ob  all  de 
siances  in  dis  sorcumlambular  world  ;  but  it  may  not  be  a 
miss  to  relate  hear  a  suckumstance  dat  'cur  in  consequence 
ob  sarchin  de  scripturs,  in  de  back  woods,  which  am  sed 
to  be  a  fac. 

When  dat  good  man,  who  spent  a  long  life  in  doiii  good 
to  he  feller  man,  Lorenzo  Dow,  was  trabblin  in  de  west 
ern  hemisfere,  he  stopped  at  de  house  ob  a  squatter,  and 


THE    RESULT    OF    DILIGENCE.  223 

found  de  hole  family,  consistin  ob  lebin  children;  in  great 
tribulashun  and  trouble.  Now  \vat  you  tink  it  was  dat 
trouble  dem  so  much  ?  Wus  it  an  oneasy  conshunce  ?  No  ! 
it  wus  fur  de  loss  of  de  fine  toof  comb.  Now  de  loss  ob  a 
fine  toof  comb  to  one  ob  us  in  de  city,  whar  sich  luxeries 
surrund  us  on  ebbery  side,  am  nofin,  kase  we  kan  git  one  at 
enny  minit ;  but  de  loss  ob  de  only  one  in  de  house  in  de 
back  woods,  whar  it  am  ten  miles  to  de  nearest  store,  am  a 
greviance  dat  am  sure  to  lead  to  numerous  consequences — 
too  newmerous  to  menshun.  De  old  lady  sed,  her  and  de 
children  had  searched  de  house  all  ober  fur  it,  and  scratched 
in  ebbery  corner  but  no  comb  cood  be  found.  De  ole  man 
had  scratched,  she  had  scratched,  de  c/iildren  had  all  scratch 
ed,  up  stairs  and  douu  stairs,  but  it  was  ob  no  use. 

"  How  long  hab  it  been  lost  ?"  axed  de  pias  Lorenzo. 

"'Bout  free  monfs,"  answered  de  ole  lady  ;  "  and  de  only 
comfort  I  hab  in  de  hour  ob  trial  am  a  readiu  de  Bible." 

"  Do  you  read  it  often  ?"  axed  Massa  Dow. 

"  Yes  indeed  1"  sed  she  ;  "  mornin  an  nite." 

You  see  she  node  Lorenzo,  an  wanted  to  git  in  his  good 
graces,  an  derefore  humbugged  him  a  little. 

"I  is  glad  to  hear  it,"  sed  the  good  man,  "for  it  am  de 
rock  on  which  all  mankind  may  rely  in  safty.  But  I  tink 
ef  you  stigmatize  a  thorough  inquiry  about  dat  comb,  it 
cood  be  found.  Let  me  interefy  de  children  'bout  it,  and 
see  what  can  be  solicited." 

So  he  went  to  de  old  man  fust,  and  axed  him.  He  sed  he 
dident  noe  notin  'bout  it,  nor  dident  car  ;  he  nebber  trubbled 
his  hed  wid  none  ob  de  fashuuable  tings,  and  he  nebber  re 
collected  using  a  comb  in  he  life.  He  wus  sassagefied  to 
luff  he  har  be  as  uatur  made  it,  and  looked  'pon  dis  combin 
ob  de  har  as  beiu  'tirely  superdickilas. 

Den  Dow  went  to  de  oldest  son,  who  told  him  he  dident  noe 


224  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

whar  de  Bussed  ting  wus,  nor  dident  want  to.  He  tried  it 
once  in  his  bar  'bout  two  years  afore,  but  it  hurt  him  like 
thunder,  and  dat  wus  'nuff  fur  him.  He  sed  he  wus  glad  it 
wus  lost,  fur  ebber  since  it  cum  in  de  house  de  children  had 
a  cryin  spell  once  a  monf  when  de  old  woman  got  at  their 
beds  ;  but  now  it  wus  lost  an  dere  wus  piece  in  de  house. 
De  children  wus  den  questioned,  one  by  one,  but  no  light 
troun  'pon  de  subjick.  Dey  all  'pared  glad  dat  it  was  lost, 
so  de  search  wus  gibben  up  but  de  scratch  continued. 

Durin  de  ebenin,  Brudder  Dow  talked  to  dem  'bout  sarch- 
in  de  scripturs^and  de  old  lady  sed  she  always  did,  and  per- 
tended  to  be  too  good  to  last  long.  When  bed-time  cum, 
he  axed  fur  de  Bible,  and  purposed  reading  a  chapter  to 
dem.  So  dey  reached  doun  de  good  beok  frum  off  a  hie 
shelf,  and  found  dust  'nuff  on  it  to  write  "  damnation"  on  all 
ober,  and  when  he  opened  it,  out  fell  de  fine  toof  comb  dat 
had  bin  lost  free  monfs.  De  old  lady  wus  dumbfoozled 
when  she  found  she  wus  cotched  in  a  tie,  but  she  owned  up 
and  promised  henceforth  to  sarch  de  Bible,  spechaily  when 
enny  ting  wus  lost. 

Some  ob  dis  congregashun  might  find  somefin  by  sarchin 
de  good  book.  Maby  a  lost  consience  might  be  restored, 
which  cannot  be  in  any  odder  way. 

I  hab  bin  axed  what  cured  my  black  eye  ;  I  will  tell  you. 
I  hab  a  great  deel  ob  trouble  'bout  it.  Some  body  told  me 
to  use  raw  oysters — I  did,  and  I  eat  more  den  haff  a  bushel, 
but  dident  do  my  eye  no  good.  Den  I  use  Muxtang  Line- 
ment  and  raw  clams,  and  dat  fotched  it  all  rite. 

Brudder  Bunnell  wus  so  klumsy  arter  de  change  lass  week 
dat  he  smashed  de  sasser,  derefore,  Brudder  Kincklee 
will  please  pass  'round  he  hat  on  dis  'portant  'cashuu.  Let 
Brudder  Primly  turn  de  organ  an  play,  "  Cum  ober  de  wa 
ters,  Charley,  to  Bobuckem." 


THE    FELLOW   THAT    DOES    ALL   THE    MISCHIEF.  225 


LECTURE    LXVJII. 

THE  FELLOW  THAT  DOES  ALL  THE  MISCHIEF. 

DARKENED  HEARERS — 

DE  tex  for  my  letur  dis  ebenin,  am  to  be  found  in 
ebery  house,  'spesherly  de  kitchen,  in  dis  inflated  country. 
He  am  de  moss  mischievous  raskil,  and  thievin  scoundrel  dat 
eber  got  into  a  house.  He  am  eberywhere  and  nowhere  at 
de  same  time,  and  I  hab  bin  more  tormented  and  annoyed 
by  him  den  enny  odder  feller  I  nose  ob  at  de  present  time 
speakin.  De  ramscalion  dat  I  'lude  to,  am 

MR.    NOBODY.' 

I  hab  no  dout  dat  you  hab  all  herd  ob  him.  He  smashes, 
on  an  aberage,  in  dis  toun,  enny  quantity  ob  crockery, 
lookin  glasses,  tumblers  and  furnature  ebery  day,  and  he 
steals  more  sugar,  cake  and  sweetmeats,  den  a  jack-ass  kan 
back  up  a  steep  hill.  He  smashes  'hole  trains  ob  rail-roads, 
and  kills  people  ebery  day,  and  I  tink  it  am  high  time  dat 
de  police  wus  put  'pon  he  track  to  catch  him.  He  hab  gone 
on  frum  stealin  small  tings  to  commitin  murder,  and  now 
scarsely  a  nite  passes  dat  we  don't  hear  ob  him  being  to 
blame  for  some  kind  ob  'trocious  deeds  or  odder.  A  Cap 
tain  ob  a  canal-bote  told  me  todder  day  dat  he  got  abord  ob 
his  ship  and  stole  eberything  he  cood  lay  his  hands  'pon  for 
'bout  a  monf.  De  brabe  Captain  laid  a  trap  to  catch  him, 
and  gis  as  he  had  him,  he  missed  him.  I'd  like  to  kotch 
him  myseff — he  got  in  here  since  last  lectur  nite,  and  nocked 

10* 


226  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

doun  de  stobe  pipe,  and  stole  a  pint  ob  bed-bug  pisin  dat 
was  under  my  desk  in  a  brandy-bottle.  I  speck  he  drink  it. 
He  cum  to  Anty  Clawson's  todder  nite  and  eat  up  a  hole 
lot  ob  cold  clam-soup,  and  ober  twenty  raw  cow  bay  clams. 
Anty  Clawson  laid  it  to  me,  but  it  warn't  me,  and  I  noe  gis 
as  well  as  I  noe  dat  Jake  Somendike  put  dat  bad  shillin  on 
de  tea-bord  lass  week,  dat  it  wus  old  Mr.  Nobody  dat  done 
it.  But  I  tink  I  got  him  now — I  tink  I'll  do  de  hole  world  a 
great  sarvice,  and  hab  my  name  emdamned  on  de  McCutchen 
ob  fame  dat  all  preceedin  ages  may  admire,  kase  who  eber 
drink  up  dat  bed-bug  pisin  in  dat  jimerjohn  dat  I  forgot  to 
take  home  lass  week,  and  luff  under  dis  desk,  am  sure  to  die 
a  good  while  afore  his  time  comes.  It  may  not  kill  him  rite 
off,  but  it  am  sure  to  wind  up  de  tread  ob  his  xistance  afore 
I  hab  de  honor  ob  portrudin  my  nolege  box  in  your  presence 
agin. 

Hello  !  wats  de  matter  wid  sister  Pacilla  Amelia  Baxly  ? 
She's  fainted,  eh  ?  Gis  tonish  her  face  wid  a  little  cold 
water,  and  let  sum  ob  de  highfalutin  sisters  hold  der  epsom 
salts  as  much  under  her  nose  as  its  flatness  will  admit,  and 
I  tink  she  will  cum  to  mighty  soon. 

De  man  dat  lost  his  faberate  dog,  and  went  into  a  sassen- 
ger  shop  and  whistled,  and  seed  all  de  sassengers  squirm  to 
git  to  him,  wus  never  more  sassagefied  whar  his  dog  wus, 
den  I  am  sassagefied  whar  dat  brandy — I  mean  dat  bed-bug 
pisin,  went  to.  I  devise  Sister  Baxly  to  take  a  dose  ob 
camels  and  gallop,  and  let  an  ingine  play  doun  her  throat 
for  a  few  hours  ebery  mornin,  and  mabe  she'll  git  ober  it. 
Her  inerds  muss  feel  'bout  as  bad  as  mine  did  de  mornin 
arter  New  Year's,  and  mine  felt  like  a  dirty  swill  pail  dried 
in  de  sun. 

My  Stingy  Deciples — keep  a  sharp  look  out  for  dis  Mr. 
Nobody  Ef  you  kotch  him,  you  will  make  somfin  hansum 


THE    SLANDERER.  227 

— for  dere  am  at  de  present  time  speakin,  more  den  a  tousand 
steambote  and  railrode  axidents  blamed  upon  his  mity 
broad  shoulders, 'and  de  korrener  hab  got  heaps  ob  wurdixs 
aginst  him.  So  keep  you  whether  eye  open  for  him,  and  ef 
you  kotch  him,  bring  him  at  once  to  Anty  Clawson's.  and 
make  him  own  up  'bout  dem  clams  and  cold  soup. 

I  is  inquested  to  state  dat  Sister  Rolickson  am  layin  bery 
low  (in  a  seller)  in  little  Apple  Alley,  wid  a  gum  bile  on 
her  heel.  Her  frens  tink  she  am  layin  at  a  kritical  pint, 
(ob  gin,  I  gess),  and  de  doughnashuns  ob  dis  cougregashun 
am  inwited  to  attend. 

Jimmy  Ducklegs  will  pleese  promulgate  dis  sasser  as  de 
tea-bord  am  to  big  for  sich  a  poor  and  stingy  set. 


LECTURE  LXIX. 

THE  SLANDERER. 

MY  DEER  CHILLY  CHUMS — 

WIDOUT  wishin  or  'tending  to  cast  reflecshuns  on  enny 
cumpany  enny  ob  you  keep,  eder  personly  or  indiwidually,  I 
will  call  your  'tention  dis  ebenin  to  de  'siderashun  ob 

DE'  BACK-BITER. 

No  dout  moss  ob  you  hab  your  own  idias  ob  dis  feller, 
kase  you  hab  all  suffered  more  or  less — 'speshly  more — frum 
de  sting  ob  sum  one  ob  de  different  kinds — for  be  it  none 
dere  am  sebril  kinds  ob  back-biters  in  the  world.  Dere  am 
de  back-biter  ob  de  bed-bug  speshies — de  back-biter  ob  de 
flee  family,  and  den  dere  am  de  odder  kind  less  'greeable 


228  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

and  more  prolific,  dat  git  free  passage  by  de  tousands  wid 
ebery  imigrunt  ship  dat  ribe  frum  Dutchland  or  Irisbland — 
but  all  ob  dese,  or  ebbery  one  ob  dem  aint  pertickler  which 
dey  bite,  de  back  or  de  stumjack,  so  long  as  dey  git 
dere  sucker  in.  But  tis  no  creepin  inseck  back-biter  dat  am 
luded  to  'speshely,  in  de  tex,  but  it  am  de  sheekin,  crawlin 
anamal  found  'mong  mankind,  and  more  frequently  offin 
'mong  de  woman  kind.  Dey  am  de  same  unprincipaled 
suckers,  let  dem  be  found  wharebber  dey  will — only  de 
human  back-biter  am  de  wuss,  kase  de  sarpant  nose  better. 
De  insexs  do  it  for  a  libin,  but  de  humankind  do  it  for  a 
nastier  and  baser  purpose,  and  dat  am  to  injure  dere  nabor 
— but  tanks  be  to  de  Lord,  in  nine  cases  out  ob  ten  de  back 
biter  gits  bit  moss  orfully,  and  de  kittle  ob  filty  slime  dat  he 
wants  to  trow  on  he  nabor's  karacktor,  gits  upset  in  de 
'tempt,  and  cubbers  heseff  from  one  end  to  de  odder,  till  he 
slips  up  on  his  own  well  greased  falsehoods  and  falls  kerswat 
out  ob  de  good  graces  ob  all  good  pepil.  "  By  strict  'ten- 
tion  to  de  biziness,"  I  hab  larned  to  tell  de  back-biter  afore 
dey  say  fifty  words.  Ef  it  comes  in  de  spechies  ob  de  ole 
maid,  she  will  set  down  on  her  cheer,  and  kind  a  squar  herseff 
for  a  day's  work.  She- will  put  her  liar  back  ahind  her  ears 
pull  out  her  'nittin,  smack  her  lips,  and  kommence  by  axen 
ef  you  nose  Miss  So-and-So,  de  berry  pusson  dat  she  nose 
you  nose  more  den  enny  bodyelse.  Well  den,  ob  corse  you 
answer  in  de  infirmative,  and  den  she  begin  by  rolliii  up  her 
eyes  like  a  pig  at  de  sound  ob  thunder,  and  sayin,  "  Well, 
do  you  noe  dat  I  found  out  a  great  sekret  'bout  her  and  her 
family,  all  by  axident  todder  day." 

When  de  shemale  back-biter  gits  dus  fur  in  her  calomel,  de 
best  ting  you  kan  do  am  to  raise  de  winders  and  begin  to 
sweep  de  house  widout  putin  a  bit  ob  tea-lebes  on  de  flo. 
Ma-be  dis  gentle  hint  may  put  her  recolleckting  apparatus 


THE    SLANDERER.  229 

into  opperashun,  and  she  may  'member  a  kail  she  forgot  to 
make  somewhar  else,  and'  clar  out.  As  she  goes  you  may 
chuckle  in  your  slebe  dat  you  got  rid  ob  her  weight  in  trub- 
ble. 

Heinale  back-biter  am  more  to  be  dispised  den  de  she- 
male,  kase  de  almanack  sez  dat  she  is  konstitushunly  dis 
posed  to  it,  and  derefore  kant  help  it ;  but  I  would  as  lefe 
be  'flicted  wid  dat  old  rumatism  and  de  meezles  at  one  time, 
as  de  kornpany  ob  one  ob  dese  fellers. 

It's  a  wonder  to  me  dat  de  ekicklyastick  preechermans 
don't  spoke  'bout  de  backbiter  more  den  dey  do,  for  dere 
am  a  good  menny  in  ebbety  kongregashun,  and  dere  arnt 
no  class  dat  suffer  more  den  dey  demseff.  Seeing  how  pre- 
belent  dese  animals  am,  am  it  enny  wonder  dat  eben  me, 
who  I  tort  wus  'bub  suspishuns,  should  git  a  bite  now  and 
den  from  a  feller  as  big  as  a  sea  turkle,  but  de  smart  will 
nebber  last  long. 

Some  feller,  femenine,  canine,  or  odderwise,  hab  got  up  a 
rumor  dat  it  ain't  charatable  purposes  dat  bring  your  shep 
herd  out  late  at  nite,  in  de  districk  ob  Church  street.  And 
when  I  tell  dern  I  wus  gwine  on  de  Fibe  Pint  mishun,  dey 
chuck  der  heds  back  and  grin.  Now  I  gis  tell  you  all  on 
de  square,  dat  I'm  gwaue  to  be  all  round  nites,  to  see  what 
my  kongregashun  are  up  to,  and  ef  I  kan't  beat  morality 
and  siance  into  your  heads  by  kind  words,  frum  dis  old  desk, 
I'll  see  what  a  pression  a  hickory  club  'bout  free  foot  long 
will  make  on  your  coco-nuts  ef  I  cotch  you  round  enuy  ob 
clein  dark  alleys,  whar  de  yeller  widder  or  "plaited  wool" 
Pacilla  libs.  And  ef  Brudder  Peter  Napoleon  Buxter  don't 
put  at  least  a  haff  a  dollar  on  de  tea-bord  dis  nite,  I'll  tell 
de  hole  kongregashun  whar  I  seed  him  a  eaten  trype  and 
clam  soup  todder  nite  at  Anty  Rachels,  in  Prife  Alley. 
Dat  won't  be  back-bitin  no  how. 


236  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

• 

As  New  Year's  day  will  ribe  'mong  cle  holiday  times  dis 
year,  gis  de  same  as  it  did  lass,  I  speck  'nuff  on  de  tea-bord 
to  furnish  a  few  dough-nuts,  sum  lager  beer  and  sum  clam 
soup  for  my  frens  on  dat  day.  It's  'tonishing  how  meuny 
frens  a  pusson  finds  out  dey  got  on  dat  day,  dat  nebber  cum 
neer  you  enny  odder  day  in  de  year. 

I  speck  sum  new  cloze  for  my  New  Year's,  and  ef  you 
don't  raise  me  at  least  a  free  dollar  suit,  I  lectur  to  you 
next  nite  in  all  de  rags  I  kan  find  in  de  house,  and  as  dere 
am  notin  else  but  rags  in  my  wardrogue,  I'll  hab  no  trubble 
to  cubber  rnyseff  wid  de  same. 

B'rudder  Andrew  Jackson  Paine  Luffles  with  pleese  stop 
ticklin  Sister  Jemima's  hose  while  she  pretends  sleep,  wid 
dat  goose  feder,  and  pass  round  de  bord. 


LECTURE     LXX. 

EARLY    SETTLEMENT    OF    NEW    YORK. 

D  OUTING  PILGRIMS — 

» 

As  dis  am  de  beginnin'  ob  a  new  year,  I  'speck  you 
speck  me  to  say  somfm  on  de  flite  ob  time  or  de  progress  ob 
de  world,  or  someting  'ludin  to  de  comins  and  goins  ob  dis 
sanculanalua  arf  ;  and  as  ebberybody  gubs  New  Year's 
distresses,  I  spose  I  ort  to  do  de  same  likewise  also.  It 
wood  take  'bout  fifty  sich  beds  as  mine,  tick  as  it  am,  to 
keep  you,  posted  up  on  tings  as  dey  pass  'bout  dese  days. 
A  feller  hab  got  to  hab  de  intelleck  ob  de  elemfmt  to  keep 
heseff  posted,  widout  temptin  to  exasparate  odders  by  his 
nolege  ob  de  times.  But  I'll  cast  a  few  reflecshuns  on  de 


EARLY    SETTLEMENT    OF    NEW    YORK.  231 

past,  as  de  lookin  glass  sed  to  de  ole  maid,  consarning  dis 
New  York,  which  am  now  as  large  a  burgh  as  any  in  de 
country  'round. 

In  takin  a  prospective  view  backwards  at  dis  Toun,  eben 
in  my  day,  leads  a  man  to  tink  he  am  in  Rusha,  by  de  way 
tings  am  rushed  tru  in  dis  fast  age.  Ebbery  ting  am  fast 
now.  No  old  slow  coaches  can  git  'long  for  dem  locomoko- 
focotive  bullgines.  De  sloops  and  skooners  in  de  ribbers 
am  all  in  de  way  ob  de  steembotes,  and  ebberybody  seems 
detarmined  to  lib  fibe  or  six  years  in  one — but  dem  fellers 
dat  lib  fast,  die  in  de  same  manner,  and  here  am  where  de 
laff  curns  in  by  de  undertaker. 

Natural  History  sez  dat  de  Dutch  fust  settled  dis  Hand. 
But  history  don't  say  how  much  dey  settled  it,  but  I  don't 
beleve  dat  ef  all  de  Dutch  in  de  world,  filled  to  de  chin,  wid 
sour-crout  and  lager-beer,  wus  to  cum  here,  dey  cood  settle 
it  more  den  a  inck  or  an  inch-and-a-haff  Abby  De  Poise 
wait.  I  tink  dere  muss  be  sum  mistake  in  history  'bout  dis, 
or  else  de  feller  dat  rote  it  dident  noe  how  high  de  Hand 
stood  afore  it  wus  settled. 

Wken  de  Dutch  landed  here,  dey  found  de  natibs  bizzy  a 
roastiu  furriners,  and  frum  de  way  de  tribes  belongin  to  de 
.press  club  (dis  club  will  break  dere  own  heds  yet),  hab 
roasted  Thackery,  de  English  gemmen,  dat  wus  sent  for  to 
swamp  me  by  lecturin  against  me  in  opposishun  to  me  my- 
seff.  I  say  from  de  nice  manner  in  which  dey  hab  roasted 
him,  I  tink  dey  keep  up  de  practice  ob  roastin  furriners  til 
dis  day.  But  sibilization  hab  done  wonders  for  dis  Hand — 
kase  when  de  Dutch  fuss  cum  dere  wus  only  one  rum  and 
beer  shop  on  de  hole  Hand,  and  dat  was  kept  by  de  old 
Gubner  heseff — anijlook  how  sibilizashun  hab  stretched  he 
influential  arm,  and  see  rum-shops  and  lager-beer  cellars  all 
round.  Where  dere  wus  one  in  dem  days,  dere  am  forty 


232  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

tousand  now,  to  say  notin  ob  de  Dutch  grocerys  on  ebbery 
corner,  whar  spiritual  knockins  am  so  offin  herd.  It  wus 
'mong  dese  Dutehmans  dat  New  Years  kails  wus  fust  in 
vented.  Dey  used  to  make  hot-stuff  out  ob  Santa  Cruise 
rnm,  hot  water,  little  butter,  and  plenty  alspice,  and  de 
way  dat  hot  stuff  used  to  fly  wid  de  krullers  doun  de  troats 
ob  dem  fellers  atwene  de  Dutch  words  dey  wood  spit,  out 
wus  a  caushum  to  de  risin  ginerashuu  ob  de  day.  Den  dis 
place  wus  kalled  Rotterdam,  but  old  Justice  Von  Slockem- 
himer  sed  it  wus  too  much  like  English  swarin,  an  dey  alter 
ed  de  name  to  Manhaton,  for  shortness.  Tings  am  changed 
wonderfully  sence  den.  Whar  de  Ingin  used  to  cum  ober 
fruni  Long  Island  in  he  kanoo,  to  steal  de  Dutchman's  sheep 
and  rum,  now  runs  de  steembote,  de  canal-bote,  and  de 
elain-bote.  De  ribber  dat  wus  so  full  ob  all  kinds  ob  fishes, 
dat  dey  used  to  cum  to  de  beech  to  be  kotched  ef  de  fisher 
men  whistled  for  dem,  am  now  plowed  by  de  mighty  steam 
ships  dat  run  'twene  here  and  todder  side  ob  Jorden. 
Eberyting  am  steam  now-a-days,  and  de  folks  am  not  kon- 
tent  to  hab  it  on  der  railroads  'in  de  out-squirts  ob  de  city, 
but  dey  am  gwane  to  hab  a  rail-rode  doun  Broadway,  and 
in  a  few  short  time  you  will  heer  de  bullgine  snortin  fruin 
de  Battery  to  911th  street  like  a  mad  bull  in  fly-time. 
Den,  my  frens,  look  out  for  your  heels  ;  sum  ob  dem  I  noe 
am  big  'nuff  to  upset  de  hole  train,  but  don't  try  it  ;  'spere- 
ments  am  sed  to  be  dangerous  by  de  oldest  foolosefers. 
You  may  trow  'em  off  de  track  widout  injury  to  yourseffs, 
by  layin  your  beds  on  de  track,  but  don't  fool  wid  your 
heels.  Dis  rail-rode  bizness  am  runnin  away  wid  de  wite 
peoples  branes  and  money,  and  I  xpect  to  see  de  day  rnyseff, 
as  old  a  disciple  as  I  am,  when  we  will  eat  by  steem  and  be 
karried  to  bed  on  a  rail-rode,  worked  by  de  steem  dat  cum 
frum  de  tea-kittle.  Ebberyting  am  improvin  but  my  saflary 


ON    JAPAN.  233 

and  de  karacter  ob  my  congregashun,  but  I'll  improbe  your 
morals  or  take  de  lass  cent  you  got,  I  dont  care  which* 
afore  I'm  done  wid  you. 

I  is  'bliged  to  de  Darkus  Siety  for  de  trousers  and  socks 
dey  sent  me  for  my  New  Years,  and  also  to  Brudder  Pete 
Somendike  for  de  hundred  clams. v  I'll  'member  dem  boff  as 
long  as  dey  last. 

George  Seward  Romeo  Gingerly  will  do  de  honers  wid 
de  tea-bord. 


LECTURE    LXXI. 

ON    JAPAN. 

ARDENT  NIGORAMASUS — 

IT  seems  to  me  myseff,  dat  sence  I  took  to  lecturin 
in  dis  burgh,  eberybody  dat  kan  rase  suffishent  money  to 
pay  for  a  few  penny  candles  and  a  puff  in  de  noospapers, 
hab  took  to  de  bizness.  And  wat  for  ?  I  ax  you.  Why, 
I'll  tell  you  wat  for — gis  to  try  to  run  your  old  friend  and 
Benjaminfactor,  me  myseff,  off  ob  de  track  ;  but  its  no  use, 
dey  might  as  well  try  to  dam  Niagaree  wid  a  hay-riggin,  as 
to  scar  dis  chile.  Here  I'll  stand  as  firm  as  a  Jersey  bank, 
and  as  unchangeable  as  a  counterfit  silver  dollar  bill,  regard 
less  ob  all  consumstances. 

I  is  gwane  to  liten  your  conshence  dis  ebenin  on   de 
Gogrofee  Siance,  and  spoke  to  you  consarnin  de  Hand  ob 

JAPAN. 

Japan,  my  frens,  am  siterwated  a  good  ways  off  from 
Cony  Hand,  clar  away  ober  todder  side  ob  Jordan.     It  am 


234  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

summer  time  all  de  year  round  dar  ;  subequently  dey  neber 
hab  no  Christmas  nor  no  New  Years,  kase  dey  ain't  no 
winter  time  to  bab  'em  come  in,  like  us  blessed  mortals. 

Japan  am  whar  all  de  Japan  candlesticks,  Japan  lamps, 
and  de  sasspans  cum  frum.  De  Japanonians  ain  just  dc 
culer  ob  a  Japan  candlestick,  and  I  speck  dey  culer  dem  by 
vubbin  de  perspiration  dat  comes  frum  dere  faces  while  dey 
am  a  making  dem,  on  de  same,-  which  fully  'counts  for  de 
perculier  culler.  Dey  am  an  industriously  lazy  set,  full  ob 
idolitry  and  dirt.  Dey  hab  always  looked  'pon  de  Yaukes 
as  a  bery  unsartin  set  ob  fellers,  'cordin  to  de  Almanack, 
and  dey  won't  trade  wid  dem  a  tall,  kase  dey  had  hurd  ob 
de  wooden  megnut,  wooden  cow-cumbers,  and  wooden  punkiu 
and  water  milluns  seed,  and  dey  am  afeerd  ob  gittin  stuck. 
Now,  ef  dere  am  ennyting  in  dis  world  dat  will  brake  a 
Yankee's  hart,  it  am  to  be  fooled  in  making  a  trade,  eder 
uashonly  or  indiwidually.  Derefore,  old  Tinkle  Sam  talked 
wid  Massa  Foolmore,  de  Presemdent,  and  'eluded  to  send  a 
few  notions  out  dar  to  try  to  'fluence  trade.  He  speck  to 
loose  a  little  on  de  fust  cargo  and  make  it  up  on  de  last.  I 
don't  zackly  noe  gis  wat  he  sent  out,  but  I  speck  its  de 
useal  rum  and  'bacco.  I  tink  dey'd  hab  done  better  ef  dey'd 
a  sent  a  cargo  ob  Sourkrout,  made  of  Massa  Wan  Buren's 
cabbages  ;  kase  I  speck  dey  noe  all  'bout  dat  luxury,  as  dey 
trade  only  wid  de  Dutch  nashuu,  and  dats  'bout  all  de 
Dutch  deals  in,  'septin  Dutch  clocks,  music  boxes,  hand- 
organs  and  gin.  I  gess  Tinkle  Samevil  will  dribe,  a  stiff 
trade  wid  dem.  He  hab  sent  a  hole  fleet  full  ob  bum-shells, 
cannon-balls  and  cutlashes,  and  dey  kan  eder  take  de  bean- 
ful  bargins  he  hab  sent  dem,  or  dey  kan  git  licked  jist  as 
dey  like.  Ef  dey  show  shy  on  a  trade,  de  Kornmodore  will 
gis  read  one  ob  Capt.  Coggy's  Forf  ob  July  orashflns  to  dera, 
and  ef  dat  don't  fetch  'em,  dey  got  to  be  buni'd  for  sartiu. 


ON   JAPAN.  235 

Dere  ain't  much  nown  'bout  de  habits  aud  customs  ob  de 
natib  Japanonions  as  yet,  kase  dey  hab  kep  all  deir  siance 
locked  up  in  deir  cubberd  in  one  corner  ob  de  globe  out  ob 
site,  but  Unkle  Sam  will  open  de  do'  and  luff  de  world  see 
all  dere  Japan  ware.  It  am  sposed  dat  dey  hab  a  habit  ob 
eatin  like  de  cullerd  man,  and  in  all  probembility  dey  do  sum 
few  sleepin  during  de  twenty-four  hours  aloted  to  mankind. 

I  told  you  dat  it  wus  summer  all  de  time  dar.  Dat,  my 
frens,  am  all  owing  to  de  klimate.  I  wish  we  hab  sich  a 
klimate  heer  in  de  winter  time.  It  wood  sabe  cole.  Sum 
folks  hab  a  knack  ob  sabin  cole  eben  in  dis  cold  region,  and 
dat,  too,  when  de  jimbometer  am  below  freezes.  I  noe,  my 
frens,  dat  it  struck  your  understanding  mity  cold  heer  on 
last  lectur  nite,  and  ef  you  will  wind  up  your  recolleckshun 
apperatisus,  you  will  remember  dat  I  spoke  'bout  its  bein  so 
cold  as  niely  to  friz. my  fingers  and  toes,  and  I  promised  to 
'zamin  into  de  state  ob  our  cole  basket — and  now  I  must 
'form  you  ob  one  ob  de  most  diabolicoal  Swindells  on  dis 
congregashun,  dat  yon  eber  heer  t>b. 

You  all  noe  dat  we  hab  chipped  up  money  heer  ebery 
week  for  cole  ;  but  we  hab  been  fooPd,  and  dat  money  hab 
bin  nocked  doun  and  spent  for  clam-soup  by  dat  runygate, 
Bill  Nubbins,  de  sexton  and  undertaker.  Wat  makes  him 
an  undertaker,  am  de  fac,  dat  he  undertook  to  keep  dis  room 
clean  and  make  de  fires  for  two  shillins  a  week,  but  he  hab 
not  done  it  no  how.  You  all  seed,  as  you  tort,  a  fire  in  de 
stobe  ebery  nite,  and  I  noticed  dat  sum  ob  de  bredderin  and 
sistern  hab  went  to  de  stobe  to  warm  dere  shins,  and  I  tort 
cum  away  sassagefied,  but  my  frens  dar  wus  not  no  fire 
dar — dat  red  wat  look  like  fire  in  de  stobe  wus  notin  but  a 
piece  ob  red  flamel  wid  a  Japan  lamp  ahind  it  to  make  it 
look  like  fire'.  Dis  niggerism  wus  perpetrated  by  dat  orful 
bad  darkey  who  hab  libed  off  ob  de  bounty  land  ob  dis  coil- 


236  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

gregastmii.  Derefore,  I  pint  Brudder  Sam  Peighpei:  as  de 
sexton  hensefort,  in  de  place  ob  Bill  Nubbins,  and  de  lexshun 
must  take  place  for  de  same.  Dat  red  flamel  fire  am  like  de 
lurements  ob  de  old  Bellzebub.  He  hold  out  a  false  lite  to 
fotch  sinners  to  de  warm  place. 

Brndder  Hairy  Honeystone  will  pleese  pass  roun  de  sasser 
and  bite  all  de  sixpenses.  I  got  two  tin  and  one  led  one 
lass  week. 


LECTURE  LXXII 

A  LONG  DISPUTED  POINT  FULLY  SETTLED. 

UNCONWICTED  SARPINTS — 

OB  late  your  suspected  speaker  hab  recebed  a  good 
menny  billyducks  frum  different  kinds  ob  peepil,  axin  him  to 
lectur  on  all  kind  ob  subjeck.  One  wants  dis  uotty  pint 
'splained,  and  anudder  wants  dat  one  solbed,  till  I  tink  de 
wite  folks  as  well  as  de  black  folks  muss  tink  I  am  a  walkiu 

• 

inddopediah  ob  useless  nolege. 

I  shall  undertake  to  lectur  on  dis  'portant  'cashun  frum  a 
tex  which  you  will  find  done  up  in  an  unwellop  at  my  studio 
skunktorum,  in  a  note  frum  a  feller  sitizan  to  me.  De  words 
ob  de  tex  am  dese — 

Professor  J.  C.  Hannibal — Will  you  please  tell  us  in  your  next 
lecture,  what  color  our  first  parents,  Adam  and  Eve,  were.  It  has 
been  an  undecided  question  since  the  conihi>"i.---:iuont  of  the  world, 
and  we  now  look  to  you  as  a  man  of  siance  and  wisdom,  to  settle  the 
point  for  all  future  generations.  Yours,  in  doubt, 

"  ONE  OF  YOUR  CONGREGATION." 

I  muss  admit  dat  I  wus  hiely  flattered  when  I  git  dis  note 


A    LONG   DISPUTED    POINT    FULLY    SETTLED.  237 

kase  it  shows  dat  I'm  considered  sum  punkins  in  de  field  ob 
siance — and  as  I  rolled  back  in  my  arm  cheer  arter  readin 
de  pistol,  I  inwardly  xclaimed,  whars  Tom  Hyer,  or  Yankey 
Sullivan,  now  ?  Whars  Henry  Ward  Beecher  ?  Whars 
Horace  Greeley  ?  Whars  Capt.  Coggy?  Whars  Gen. 
Jones  ?  Whars  your  Ben  Franklins  ?  Whars  your  New 
ton  Isaacs  ?  Whars  all  de  rest  ob  de  foolosefers  ob  de  past 
and  precedin  times,  dat  dey  muss  cum  to  dis  old  chile  when 
enny  pint  ob  refulgent  'portance  hab  to  be  settled.  Dere  am, 
I  is  sorry  to  say,  a  difference  ob  'pinion  regardin  my  'bility  to 
settle  pints,  kase  dat  old  Dutchman  nex  to  Anty  Clawson's 
woodent  trust  me  for  a  pint  ob  lager-beer  last  nite,  and  gub 
as  a  reason  dat  I  had  not  settled  de  last  pint  dat  I  owed 
for.  But  dat  aint  notin  to  do  wid  de  subjick. 

De  question  am,  wljat  color  wus  Mr.  Adam  and  Mrs. 
Adams  ?  Her  maiden  name  wus  Eve  afore  she  becum 
Adam's  wife.  We  don't  larn  in  Nateral  History  what  Mr. 
Adam's  fust  name  wus,  but  I  'speck  it  wus  John,  or  Ben,  or 
Efrum,  or  sum  ob  dem  names  dat  git  in  Congress.  Dere  hab 
bin  a  good  menny  foolosefers  'tempted  to  'splain  de  color  ob 
dese  two  pepil.  Old  Sambo  Carson,  who  wus  a  sound  preech- 
erman  (most  all  sound),  ses  dat  Adam  and  Eve  was  de  two 
fust  black  men,  and  dat  Cain  and  Able  wus  de  second-  best 
— dat  Cain  and  Able  wus  boff  butchers — one  wus  a  killer  ob 
de  ground,  and  de  odder  wus  a  killer  ob  de  sheep — derefore 
dey  wus  "mutton  butchers." 

Now,  my  ignumrant  frens,  I  warn  you  aginst  sich  doc 
trine  as  dat,  kase  ef  dey  was  all  black,  whar  in  de  land  ob 
de  Hben  did  de  wite  trash  cum  frum — and  ef  on  de  odder 
hand  dey  wus  boff  wite,  whar  did  de  darkey  cum  frum — 
and  ef  one,  edder  Mr.  Adam  or  Mrs.  Adam  war 
black,  and  de  odder  wite,  dere  decendants  wood  hab  bin 
a  kind  ob  wheat  and  ingin  pepper  and  salt  cullered  com- 


238  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

munity — derefore  you  see  as  plain  as  you  can  see  an 
iceberg  in  de  moon-light,  dat  dey  muss  hab  bin  edder  de 
one  or  de  odder,  black  or  wite. 

I  is  kinder  'clined  to  de  idia  dat  dey  wus  boff  black — den 
ob  course  you  want  to  noe  whar  de  wite  man  cum  frum. 
Well,  I  'splain  dat  as  clar  as  a  brass  button  atwene  a  dar 
key's  lips.  Dey  cum  frum  de  Isle  ob  Wite,  whar  de  fust  dar 
keys  muss  hab  gone  and  got  bleeched.  Dere  am  no  denien 
de  fac  dat  de  folks  born  on  de  Isle  ob  Wite  am  wite  folks, 
and  enny  fool  kin  tell  you  dat.  Dis  muss  be  de  true  origi 
nal  origin  ob  de  wite  man,  kase  ef  Adam  and  Eve  wus  wite 
in  de  beginnin,  whar  did  de  darkey  spring  frum  ?  I  don't 
'lude  here  to  de  darkey  I  seed  spring  out  ob  de  second  story 
winder  at  sister  Jane  Ann  Plimins  todder  nite,  when  old  Pli- 
mins  cum  home  radder  onxpeckedly  frum  Long  Hand,  kase  dat 
arn't  got  notin  to  do  wid  de  kase,  I  meen  whar  did  de  fust 
black  man  spring  frum  ?  Why,  you  poor  sinners,  deres  no 
noein — ef  dey  wasent  black  in  de  fust  place,  kase  dere  am 
no  He  ob  Black  mentioned  in  de  Almanack  fur  dem  to  go 
to  git  black  at.  True,  dey  mite  cum  pretty  neer  it  by 
going  to  Japan  and  gittin  Japanned  all  ober — but  den  dey 
wood  be  only  copper-colored  like  a  copper  tea-kettle.  I 
sumtimes  tink  dat  maby  Adam  mout  hab  bin  a  blue  man 
(kase  you  noe  dat  men  hab  a  great  propensaty  for  getting 
so), and  Ebe  a  yeller  woman — for  by  mixin  dese  two  cullers 
togedder  when  you  mix  de  wall  wash,  you  will  hab  a  beau- 
ful  green,  and  de  lord  nose  dat  dar  am  a  great  menny  green 
ones  'mong  mankind  ginerally.  Derefore,  I  consider  de 
pint  settled,  and  you  may  applaud  as  much  as  you  like,  at 
de  'portant  decision  ob  de  kase. 

De  sexton  hab  just  handed  me  anudder  billyduck  wid 
anudder  inquest  frum  Brudder  Blockhed.  De  riter  ses  dat 
fur  sebrel  monfs  past,  he,  himseff,  and  all  his  frens,  hab  bin 


ALL    SIGNS    FAIL.  239 

a  tryin  to  suffer  up  and  assertain  de  difference  atwene  "  an 
old  saw-mill  dam,  and  a  d — n  old  saw  mill." 

Tun  my  sole  I  can't  see  de  difference  at  de  present  time 
spokein,  kase  a  dam  is  wickedly  out  oh  place  widout  de  mill, 
and  a  mill  woodent  be  worth  a  cent  widout  a  dam — howeber. 
I  may  tink  differently,  arter  I  take  a  chaw  ob  'backer,  on  it 
and  ef  I  do,  I'll  open  de  floodgate  ob  my  elemquence  on  de 
subjick  nex  week. 

Dere  am  a  great  difference  atwene"  a  saw-mill  now  and 
*  what  dey  used  to  wus.  It  used  to  be  dat  de  wood  wus 
brought  tode  mill,  but  de  march  ob  probement  now  marches 
off  de  mill  to  de  wood. 

Sam  Beatlehed,  you  be  so  kind  as  to  tote  'round  de  sasser 
dis  time. 


LECTURE    LXXIII. 

•  * 

ALL   SIGNS  FAIL. 

INFLATED  MORTALS — 

I  is  gwane  to  hab  a  wurd  to  say  to  you  dis  ebenin 
on  de 

SIGNS   OB   DE   TIMES. 

When  I  say  signs  ob  de  times,  you  muss  not  'spose  I 
meen  dem  signs  dat  say  skruce  beer  and  ginger-pop  on  dem, 
nor  dem  wat  read  washin'  done  here  in  de  reer,  kase  I  don't 
meen  dem.  I  meen  de  inwisable  signs  dat  only  men  ob 
siance  kan  'tinguish  in  de  times.  Dere  am  signs  posts  stuck 
up  in  de  rode  ob  life,  'pon  which  us  noein  fellers  kan  read 
what  you  poor  ignumrent  scoundrels  don't  noe  notin  'bout. 


-4U  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

You  had  hurd  ob  de  feller  dat  died  and  made  no  sign. 
Well,  dat  chap  coodent  a  bin  edder  a  sign-painter  or  a  biz- 
ness  man,  or  else  he'd  a  made  sum  kind  ob  a  sign  afore  lie 
died,  ef  only  a  larger  beer  sign  wid  a  cork-screw  on  it. 
America  am  a  nashun  ob  signs — ef  a  man  hab  got  only  two 
lemons  and  free  decanters  in  he  window,  and  a  quart  ob 
rum  on  he  sheff,  he  am  sure  to  git  a  sign  clar  across  he 
house,  wid  sum  mity  big  name  painted  on  it,  wid  Washing 
ton  in  de  middle,  Na"poleon  Bonypart  on  one  end  and 
Andrew  Jackson  on  de  odder. 

De  signs  ob  de  times  all  look  upwards.  Ebery  body  am 
gwane  up  toun  'mong  de  Irishtockracy.  De  lower  part  ob 
de  sity  ain't  worf  libin  in  no  more.  De  pepil  all  mobing 
out  ob  it,  and  now  de  churches  am  all  gwane  up  dere,  too, 
so  dat  putty  soon  de  doun  toun  abdoreens  will  be  widout  de 
benefit  ob  de  clurgy.  I  may  hab  to  go  up  myseff  afore  long 
— deres  no  noein.  Tings  hab  went  up  to-day  dat  didn't 
tink  ob  it  yesterday.  Deres  Bill  Lucky,  put  his  coat  up 
(to  spout),  and  Dan  Honestface  hab  bin  sent  up  to  Black- 
well's  Iland^ind  dere  am  no  noein  who  may  go  up  next — 
tings  look  mity  omnibus  'round  dese  diggins. 

It  arn't  considered  suspectable  to  lib  dis  side  obfifty-ninf 
'treet  no  more — derefore  I  tink  we  better  foller  de  tide  ob 
minagrashun,  and  jump  'bord  de  big  scow  ob  "  speckula- 
shuu,"  and  go  up  wid  de  rest,  i  don't  mean  up  Salt  Riber. 
I  heer  dat  its  crowded  up  dar.  All  de  Hotels  on  de  banks 
am  full,  and  plenty  hab  bin  turned  frum  de  Greeley  House, 
and  Seward's  Manshun  Hotel  am  oberrun  to  sich  a  degree 
dat  de  "  outs,"  as  dey  call  'em,  hab  to  'ply  to  Gen.  Scott's 
head-quarters  fur  shelter.  All  ob  de  houses  doun  tonn  am 
oberrun  all  de  time.  Ef  not  wid  boarders,  dey  am  wid  bed- 
bngs,  which  am  all  de  same. 

You  should  nebber  belebe  dat  bekase  a  house  hab  a  big 


ALL    SIGNS    FAIL.  241 

sign,  dat  de  shop  am  always  full,  no  more  den  you  should 
belebe  ebery  man  you  meet  wid  a  high  forehed  am  a  Daniel 
Webster  or  your  suspected  shepherd. 

Signs  am  bery  deceibin.  I'll  tell  you  a  nan_agote  'bout  a 
sign,  which  I  heer  some  time  ago,  in  order  to  probe  my 
insertion. 

Dere  was  once  on  a  time,  dat  a  man  up  set  de  hide-buzi- 
ness  down  in  de  swamp  (dere  hab  bin  a  good  menny  swamped 
round  dar,  and  dats  why  dey  name  it  swamp),  and  wen  he 
opened  shop  he  dident  noe  wat  kind  ob  a  sign  to  git  dat 
wood  be  different  frum  all  de  rest  ob  his  nabors — so  de  tort 
struck  him  (dese  fellers  will  strike  pepil  sometimes,  and  de 
hed  generally  kotches  it  fust),  dat  as  his  name  wus  Tailer, 
he  wood  bore  a  hole  in  de  front  door,  and  put  a  caffs  tail  in 
it,  and  de  letters  0.  R.  at  de  side,  so  it  wood  read  tail-or, 
and  besides  be  an  insignificance  to  de  passer,  dat  he  sold 
hide  and  leder.  Well,  he  opened  shop  and  he  hadent  bin 
open  more  den  free  weeks,  afore  a  customer  cum,  dat 
am  he  tort  he  was  a  customer,  and  I  'speck  he  wus, 
and  mity  green  one  at  dat,  frum  de  country.  He  fust 
distracted  de  'tention  ob  de  man  ob  de  shop,  by  bein  seen 
by  him  a-walkin  up  and  doun  in  front  ob  de  store,  wid  he 
eye  on  de  tail  all  de  time.  Now  and  den  he  wood  stop  and 
handle  do  tail,  and  seemed  as  if  wanted  to  play  wid 
it.  Once  he  wus  seen  fo  take  a  rule  out  ob  he  pocket 
and  measure  de  size  ob  de  hole  and  de  tail,  and  Mr. 
Tailor  opened  de  do'  and  axed  him  ef  he  wus  lookin  fur  hides. 

"  No,  sir,"  sed  de  countryman.  "  I  wasent  in  want  of 
ennything  in  that  line,  but  I  wus  foolosifizein  on  dat  caffs 
tail  in  dat  hole." 

"Well,"  ax  Mr,  Tailor,  "do  yon  see  ennything  berry 
strange  'bout  dat  ?" 

"  Well,  yes,"  returned  the  man.     "  I  wus  trying  to  make 
11 


242  BLACK    »IAMONDS. 

out  how  on  arf  a  caff  cood  git  his  body  through  dat  little 
hole,  and  not  git  his  tail  in." 

So  you  see  by  dis  simple  caff's  tail,  dat  signs  am  bery 
deceibin.  Derefore,  trust  not  to  dem.  You  often  see  tings 
in  front  ob  shops  dat  am  not  ment  fur  signs.  I  heer  dat  a 
drunkin  feller  wus  found  layin  on  a  tabern  stoop,  fass  asleep, 
and  a  man  stuck  he  hed  in  do'  and  told  de  tabern  keeper 
dat  he  sign  had  blown  doun,  and  wus  layin  on  he  stoop — 
dats  anudder  instance  ob  not  understanding  signs. 

De  signs  ob  de  present  time  am  all  gold — gold — gold. 
Eberybody  am  arter  it,  and  de  pepil  will  reach  so  high  to 
git  it,  dat  I  am  affraid  dat  de  speckelashuns  will  fall  to  de 
ground,  and  de  price  ob  white-washin  fall  wid  it.  Look 
out,  my  frens,  how  you  read  de  signs  ob  de  times. 

Dere  will  be  a  colleckshun  taken  up  dis  ebenin  to  pay  my 
washwoman,  and  backer  bill,  and  to  send  a  mishouary  to 
Congress  to  sibilize  de  members. 

Brudder  Jeemes  Cornfoot  will  pleese  pass  'round  de 
easser. 


DISPLAYS    VAor    LEARNING.  243 


LECfURE   LXXIV. 

DISPLAYS  VAST  LEARNING. 

LADIES  AND  GEMMON — 

NOTWIDSTANDIN  de  change  in  de  gubernment,  I  shall 
still  continue  to  spred  de  lite  of  siance  abroad.  Notwidstand- 
in  de  adwent  ob  Capt.  Coggy  in  de  lectural  world,  I  shall 
still  shine  and  claim  precedence  on  de  ladder  ob  literary  fame^ 
I  shall  dis  ebenin  draw  my  discorse  from  gogrofy,  and 
splain  to  you  comfin  'bout  de 

CHINESE. 

De  Chinese  country  am  sitewated  in  direct  antiphathies 
to  New  York,  on  de  globe  ob  de  world,  and  I  found  out  dat 
de  sun  goes  dar  durin  de  nite  when  he  lebes  de  back  side 
ob  I^obucken  at  sun  doun,  and  cums  up  tudder  side  ob  de 
Dry  Dock  in  de  morning — derefore  de  day  time  cums  in  de 
middle  ob  de  nite  'mong  dem  folks,  and  dats  de  reson  dey 
am  sich  a  curious  set.  De  Emperor  wants  to  make  belebe 
he  am  sum  punkins,  and  derefore  claims  to  be  a  neer  relatif 
ob  de  sun,  and  calls  de  stars  he  sisters,  and  soaps  up  de  natifs 
dat  he  cum  frum  heaven  to  rule  dem  for  de  good  ob  de 
country.  He  rites  his  letters  on  a  sheet  ob  paper  as  big 
as  a  bedquilt,  and  signs  his  name  wid  his  foot.  De  kountry 
all  worship  a  little  wooden  image  dat  looks  like  a  nigger 
baby  wid  de  mumps,  and  dis  dey  call  "  Josh,"  widout  enny 
odder  name.  Eberybodies  name  in  China  am  edder  "  Mean  " 
or  "  Cow."  Deres  de  family  ob  "  Mean  frens,"  de  Cow 


244  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Chows,  de  Cow  Chews,  de  Chow  Cows,  and  Chew  Cows, 
but  its  all  cows,  and  de  reson  dey  call  so  manny  cows,  am 
bekase  dey  all  wear  tails,  only  at  de  odder  end  ob  de  body 
frum  de  cows  in  dis  country. 

De  produckshun  ob  de  country  am  cups  and  sassers,  reed 
cannons,  opium,  tea-boxes,  and  Chinese  Junks,  Dere  food  con 
sists  ob  rice,  opium,  tea,  birds-nests,  snails,  little  puppys,  rats 
and  mice,  catapillars  and  grub  worms,  and  when  dey  hab  a 
holiday-dinner,  dey  serbe  np  a  roasted  dead  dog,  wid  de  bark 
all  on.  All  dis  am  eaten  wid  ticks  ob  wood,  sted  ob  nives 
and  forks.  De  only  use  nives  am  put  to,  am  to  cut  de  ears 
off  ob  balawacktors  or  milafactors  I  forget  now  which. 

De  Chinaman  resemble  de  cullard  man  in  sum  respecks, 
and  den  again  he  don't.  He  got  a  flat  nose,  but  little  feet 
and  black  teef,  and  he  shave  he  head.  He  resemble  de  dar 
key  most  in  caracktor,  kase  he  will  steal.  But  de  Chinese 
teaf  does  it  different  frum  de  cullard  man — fur  when  de 
latter  goes  to  teal  chickens  and  eggs,  he  only  pulls  off  he 
shoes,  but  de  Chinese  strips  off  all  his  close  as  nakid  as  a 
skined  ell,  and  greeses  heseff  all  ober  wid  goose  greese,  and 
puts  he  hed  in  a  bladder,  so  dat  he  cow-tail  will  be  safe,  and 
den  he  am  reddy  to  slip  tru  enny  punctuation  frum  a  port 
to  a  gimblet  hole.  Insted,  derefore,  ob  de  police  carrying 
"  billys,"  dey  had  a  little  tin  pan  containin'  ashes,  which 
.dey  wear  'round  der  nex,  and  de  moment  dey  see  der  slip 
pery  customer,  dey  rub  der  hands  in  de  ashes  like  de  eel 
butchers,  and  put  after  de  teaf.  As  soon  as  de  kotch  him, 
dey  pickel  him  up  in  a  tub,  wid  gis  his  ded  out  ob  de  cub- 
ber,  ajid  dar  he  sets,  dubbled  up  like  a  jack-knife,  in  de 
market-plase,  wid  a  beauful  roasted  rat  widin  two  inches  ob 
he  nose,  till  old  Kee  Cow  De  Fing  Fang,  de  Captin  ob  Pol 
ice,  tinks  he  hab  'nuff,  and  den  dey  spank  him  wid  a  bambo- 
spawn  stick,  and  send  him  home. 


DECEPTIONS.  245 

De  sogers  dar  dress  in  calico  frocks  and  paper  soger  hats, 
and  carry  guns  made  out  ob  long  reeds,  which  dey  fire  off 
wid  a  match  at  de  touch-hole.  For  dis  purpose  dey  carry 
a  lantern  wid  a  candle  in  it,  and  dey  lite  de  match  to  de  can 
dle,  and  den  stick  it  to  de  touch-hole,  and  off  goes  de  gun, 
and  does  as  much  execution  as  a  sixpenny  squirt. 

All  dis,  you  black  scorpians,  goes  to  probe  dat  de 
Chinese  am  behind  de  age,  and  I  think  a  mishonary  Ort  to 
be  sent  out  to  dem,  'to  show  dem  how  to  make  clam-soup 
and  berlona  sassengers.  De  kollecshun  dis  ebenin  will  be 
fur  dat  purpose.  I  shall  tote  'round  de  sasser  myseff. 


LECTURE    LXXV. 

DECKPTIONS. 

REBELOUS  REBELS — 

I  SHALL  spoke  to  you  dis  ebenin  frum  de  tex,  which 
you  will  find  in  de  pictur  books. 

"  NEBER   TRUST   TO    'PEARANCES." 

My  frens,  dis  am  a  wicked  world — full  ob  deceit  and 
nonsense,  big  pumkins  and  bigger  lies,  and  all  sich  warmints. 
It  seems  to  be  a  wonderful  disease  on  de  part  ob  eberybody, 
to  seem  what  dey  are  not,  and  derefore  humbuggery  am  de 
order  ob  de  day.  One  man  paints  up  he  old  brick  house  de 
culler  ob  brown  stone,  to  humbug  folks  into  de  idia  dat  it 
am  granite,  anudder  man  follows  in  de  paff  and  paints  up  an 
old  wooden  shanty  in  imitashun  ob  marble,  and  Immbngs 


246  BLACK    DIAMU.VDS. 

heseff  into  de  belief  dat  he  libs  in  a  marble  palace,  but  boff 
ob  dese  instances  cums  clarly  under  de  law  ob  false  pretence, 
bekase  dey  pretend  dere  houses  to  be,  what  in  reality  dey 
am  not — derefore  you  see  de  imperence. 

When  enny  ob  de  sisters  make  dere  twilight  to  go  out  a 
lemonadin  in  Broadway,  dey  ginerly  make  up  fur  de  caishun  ; 
so  dat  you  can't  trust  to  'perences — and  I  tink  dat  a  'zamin- 
ashun  ob  de  subjick  will  at  once  convince  you  dat  Mr.  Brig- 
a-Dig  Gineral  Jackson's  use  ob  cotton  at  de  battle  of  New 
Orleans  hab  been  hiely  'zagerated,  fur  he  only  used  it  to 
fortify  his  front,  but  de  ladies  use  it  on  all  sides — not  so 
much  for  fortificashun  as  stuffificashun.  When  dey  don't 
stuff  wid  cotton,  dey  use  dem  little  double-brested  scoop 
nets  what  you  see  in  de  winders  in  Broadway,  in  de  cosdet 
shops.  But  do  de  sisters  use  false  pretences  in  order  to  hum 
bug  de  odder  sex  enny  more  den  de  dandy  does  to  swell  up 
he  own  figur — fur  ef  human  natur  had  made  enny  ob  dem 
wid  de  deformed  chists,  dat  sum  ob  dem  carry,  dey  wood 
consider  demseffs  a  damaged  piece  ob  mortality,  and  wood 
be  a  runnin  to  de  doctor  man  to  git  cured — and  agin,  ef 
natur  'flicted  a  man  wid  a  red  head,  and  a  beard  haff  as  black 
dey  culler  it,  he  wood  be  considered  a  curiosity  fit  to  hab  a 
star  engagement  at  de  Museum.  Wheneber,  derefore,  you 
see  a  man  wid  a  red  head  and  black  whiskers,  do  not  blame 
natur  fur  sich  botch- work  in  'temptin  to  make  a  man,  but 
let  de  fait  rest  in  de  rite  place,  and  accuse  wanity  and  de 
low  price  ob  de  hair-dye  fur  de  same,  and  set  it  down  in  your 
scratch-book  of  nolege  as  false  pretences  in  de  fifth  degree. 

My  poor  deluded  frens,  ef  we  war  to  trust  to  'perences, 
we  wood  belebe  de  moon  to  be  a  bladder  wid  a  gass  lite  in 
it,  and  de  sky  a  sheet  ob  blue  rapping  paper,  wid  spangles 
stuck  on  it.  We  wood  look  'pon  de  sun  as  de  draft  hole  to 
de  bad  place,  and  we  wood  git  stuck  wid  tin  shillins  ebery 


S.  24t 

day.  Logwood  and  alumwater  wood  be  drank  for  port  wine, 
and  camphene  swallered  far  de  bess  beda'm  gin.  We  wood 
make  judges  out  ob  owls,  and  ministers  out  ob  jack-asses — 
bekase  one  look  wise,  and  de  odder  grave.  So  you  see  dere 
am  no  use  ob  trustin'  to  'perences.  Ef  we  do  we  will  get 
mity  taken  in,  now  mind  I  tell  you.  We  are  more  apt  to 
trust  to  'perences  in  our  young  days,  den  we  is  arter  we  git 
onr  eye-teef  cut. .  I  noe  a  little  darkey  dat  wus  beaufully 
sucked  in  by  a  .lookin-glass  once.  His  farder  and  mudder 
lib  in  a  back  country,  on  a  cotton  plantashon,  and  de  little 
feller  hab  neber  seen  a  lookin  glass  in  he  life,  but  he  hab  seen 
a  monkey  fast  to  an  organ  dat  cum  fru  dar  once,  fast  to  an 
Italion.  Well,  one  day  de  farder  ob  de  hoy  went  to  toun 
and  bied  a  glass,  and  put  it  in  de  bottom  ob  he  trunk. 
When  he  cum  home,  de  little  darkey  opened  de  trunk  cub- 
ber,  looked  in,  and  shut  it  doun  agin  quick  as  lightnin,  and 
jumped  to  his  feet  and  slapped  his  hands,  and  sung  out, 
"  I'm  glad  I  I'm  glad  !  fadder  hab  brought  home  a  monkey, 
and  I  is  gwane  to  play  wid  it." 

So  you  see  what-  it  am  to  trust  to  'pearances.  But  I 
belebe  it  am  born  in  us  to  wish  to  seem  what  we  am  not. 
Little,  boys  am  ginerly  born  wid  der  fists  doubled  up  to 
make  de  nuss  tink  he  had  cum  fur  a  pugalistic  fite,  when  he 
am  uoffin  but  a  feeble  sucker,  who  looks  'pou  de  eye  ob  he 
mudder  as  de  moon,  and  her  mouf  as  de  gateway  ob  heaben. 

I  may  hab  somfin  to  say  to  you  in  my  nex  'bout  de  now- 
gerashun,  ef  it  don't  turn  out  to  be  too  great  a  bore. 

Brudder  Horace  Gr.  Gough  Butthed  will  please  pass 
round  de  sasser,  and  refuse  all  suf£ern  and  western  wild 
cat  money. 


BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE   LXXVI. 

A    TRIP    TO    WASHINGTON. 

BELOVED  PROSELITES— 

As  it  am  well  none  by  de  world  ginerly,  and  dis  con- 
gregashun  in  partickler,  dat  I  hab  bin  doun  to  de  Capitol 
ob  de  Nashun,  and  seed  de  'Naugerashun  ob  Massa  Pierce, 
I  'spose  it  am  spected  dat  I  should  liten  your  intelecks  on 
wat  I  seed  and  herd  in  dat  city  of  polushun,  politicks,  big 
streets  and  big  taberns.  Derefore  I  shall,  like  all  odder 
great  trabelers,  gub  you  a  few  notes  (not  bank  notes),  I 
took  on  de  journey.  Massa  Fuller,  Massa  Willis,  Massa 
Bryant,  am  all  ritein  to  de  noosepapers  what  dey  see — 
derefore,  I  do,de  same. 

On  de  Wensday,  mornin  afore  de  'naugerashun,  I  took  de 
cars,  or  redder  de  car  took  me  frum  Jersey  City  to  Filem- 
endelfy.  De  pepil  wus  bery  perlite  to  me,  and  I  onlj-  had 
my  hat  nocked  doun  ober  my  eyes  tree  times  durin  de  hole 
passage.  I  dident  car  fur  de  hat,  but  my  wardrobe  and 
wooden  comb  wus  in  it,  and  my  todder  shirt  got  mussed. 
Nobody  cood  tell  what  I  was  gwane  to  Washintou  for, 
and  dey  kept  axin  me  ebery  now  and  den  ef  I  wus  spectin 
an  office,  and  one  feller,  dat  opens  oysters  in  Fulton  Market 
when  he'm  at  home,  behind  a  pair  of  cullard  niostachoes, 
said  he  wus  well  'quainted  wid  Gineral  Pierce,  and  ef  I'd 
gub  him  fibe  dollars,  he  wood  secure  me  a  posishun  as  Ram- 
bassender  to  Coney  Hand,  whar  I  cood  git  my  fill  ob  clams, 
at  de  xpence  ob  de  Post  Office.  I  tort  it  wns  a  putty  good 


A   TRIP   TO    WASHINGTON*.  249 

offer,  but  I  beat  him  doun  to  free  dollars,  and  he  'greed  to 
git  me  dat  office,  as  he  sed  dat  wus  de  only  office  wacant 
fur  a  cullerd  man 

Wen  I  got  to  Filemendelpha  I  looked  all  ober  fur  de 
niustashoed  feller,  but  coodent  find  him  no  whar,  no  how — 
but  ef  eber  I  do  lay  my  outraged  hans  on  him,  he'll  smell 
sumfin  like  Bunker  Hill,  I'll  bet  a  brickbat  against  his  hed. 

De  comduckter  on  de  Baltimore  track  made  me  git  in  de 
car  whar  de  gemmon's  luggage  wus,  and  I  laid  my  hed  on 
somebody's  police,  de  contents  of  which,  acted  on  me  like  a 
dose  of  ludlum,  and  I  fell  asleep  till  de  depot  ribed  at 
Washington.  Wen  we  got  dar,  I  found  de  police  belonged 
to  a  sertain  editor,  and  wus  fill'd  wid  his  weekly  papers. 
Dey  husseled  me  out  ob  de  'cars  wid  de  rest  ob  de  baggage, 
and  I  commenced  to  hunt  up  a  place  to  sleep.  I  speckted 
to  find  a  crowd  ob  darkeys  at  de  car-house'  wid  bangers 
and  music,  to  scorch  me  up  to  de  toun,  but  not  a  darkey 
node  me,  and  I  wus  compelled  to  sleep  at  lass  (dere  bein  no 
odder  place  in  de  toun),  on  a  hepe  ob  shawens,  under  de 
steps  ob  de  Capitol.  In  de  nite  a  snow-storm  come  on,  and 
I  kotched  sich  a  cold  dat  I  didcnt  noe  whar  to  git  brake- 
fast.  As  I  scratched  out  frurn  my  sleepin  place,  and  brush 
ed  de  shawins  out  ob  my  har  and  close,  I  met  Massa  Tom 
Beuton,  a  strutin  doun  de  walk  in  a  deep  revelly  ;  no  dout 
cogetatin  in  he  own  mind,  wedder  he  made  de  Almity,  or  de 
Almity  made  him — and  wedder  he  honored  de  Senate  House 
or  de  Senate  House  him.  In  a  minite  Gen.  Cass  cum  along 
readin  de  Picayune,  and  a  lookin  a  little  grum,  as  ef  he  seed 
somfin  he  dident  like. 

Putty  soon  de  pepil  begin  to  gedder  round  de  Capitol,  in 
front  ob  de  oig  platform,  and  a  feller  wid  a  paper  ob  to 
bacco  in  his  mouf,  told  me  to  be  a  mobin,  dat  he  dident  like 
to  see  darkeys  a  strolin  round  de  Capitol,  so  I  took  up  my 

11* 


250  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

line  ob  march  to  de  rofunder,  in  de  middle  ob  de  house, 
whar  all  de  pictures  am  'bout  Gen.  Washington.  I  found  de 
floor  moss  an  inch  deep  wid  tobacco  spit,  and  here  again  I 
wus  told  to  mobe  on,  but  I  'termined  to  see  de  Naugera- 
shun,  so  I  left  de  primices  and  got  a  pail  ob  water  in  my 
hand  and  a  tin  cup,  and  I  went  in  high  ,and  dry  on  de  tem 
perance  principal,  behind  a  soger  company,  pretendin  to  gub 
de  sogers  drink,  and  de  sogers  wood  hab  liked  it  fuss  rate 
ef  dere  had  only  bin  brandy  mixed  in  wid  it. 

It  wus  a  snowin  all  de  time  dat  Massa  Pierce  wus  gittiri 
bored  wid  de  augerashun,  and  eberybody  sed  it  wus  'bout 
as  Pierce-in  a  day  as  wus  eber  none  in  dat  parr  ob  de 
climate.  I  seed  de  hole  proceeding,  frum  beginin  to  end, 
and  I'll  bet  all  de  money  dat  euros  in  de  sasser  to-nite,  dat 
Massa  Pierce  habs  his  own  way  'bout  tings  in  general. 
Old  Massa  Fillmore  rided  in  de  carrage  wid  him,  wid  a  face 
as  mild  and  sweet  as  de  fust  blush  ob  a  Rorin  Borin  Alas, 
on  de  fust  dew-drops  ob  de  mornin — feelin,  no  dout,  perfeck- 
ly  sassagefied  dat  he  had  done  his  duty.  Ef  he  ain't 
sassagefied  ob  de  fac  heseff,  de  pepil  am,  and  dats  'nuff. 

De  darkey  popelashun  ob  Washington  woodent  suasheate 
wid  me,  and  troud  it  up  to  me  dat  I  wus  a  poor  free  nigger, 
and  dident  belong  to  nobody,  and  I  wus  too  low  fur  dem  to 
mix  wid.  'Siety  'mong  de  cullerd  folks  am  berry  good  in 
Washington.  A  rambassender's  or  a  Fur-on  Counsellor's 
darky  won't  suasheafe  wid  a  Congress-man's  waiter  no  how. 
And  fur  my  part,  I  like  de  Norf  de  bess,  kase  here  de  darky 
kan  be  as  sassy  as  de  wite  trash,  and  be  suspected  gis  de 
same.  Derefore,  I  is  glad  to  git  back,  fur  I  ain't  seen  you 
since  I  don't  care  when,  and  I  feel  as  glad  as  ef  I'd  found  a 
clean  shirt,  and  I  cood  shake  all  ob  your  corn-stealers  at 
once.  I  shall  hab  somefin  more  to  say,  gis  as  like  as  not, 
'bout  sum  tings  I  seed  on  de  tramp,  fur  I  seed  a  good  deol 


OLD    TIMK.S    ANi>    NEW.  251 

which  dis  old  hedake  ob  mine  won't  let  nie  open  on  dis 
ebenin.  But  I'll  tell  you  dat  a  Naugerashun  day  in  Wash 
ington,  am  \vat  a  Forf  ob  July  am  here,  all  'sept  de- hot  sun 
and  rum  stands  round  de  Park. 

As  trablin  am  putty  nie  all  paid  fur  in  dis  country,  I  find 
myseff  mity  short  on  de  comiu  home  trip,  derefore  I  shall 
look  fur  a  full  sasser  dis  ebenin. 


LECTURE   LXXVII. 

OLD     TIMES     AND    NEW. 

LAMBASHUS  SINNERS — 

IT  is  my  'tent  and  purpos  to  say  a  few  wurds  to  you 
'bout  old  times  and  new  times,  compare  de  past  wid  de  pre- 
ceedin,  and  de  comin  times  wid  de  futur,  and  see  de  differ 
ence,  or  in  odder  wurds,  I  shall  spoke  to  you  on  de 

INOAWSHUNS    OB    DE    AGE. 

Who  am  dere  'mong  dis  big  crowd  dat  don't  recomlect 
old  times  ?  Maybe  sum  kin  go  furder  back  den  odders.  I 
nebber  node  an  old  darkey  in  my  life,  eder  hemale  or  she- 
male,  that  hadent  held  Gen.  Washington  on  dere  nee  and 
nussed  him  like  a  baby — but  I  aint  none  ob  dese — I  don't 
date  back  so  fur,  but  I  go  a  good  ways  in  the  rear  of  time 
notwithstandin — and  wat  wus  considered  sum  punkins  in  my 
young  days  am  now  looked  'pon  as  old  fogyism.  I  don't  'zactly 
noe  de  men  in  ob  old  fogy,  but  I  will  send  an  inquiry  to 
Massa  Cass,  as  dey  say  he  noes  de  critter  like  a  catakissiui. 

Wen  I  wus  young,  de  old  ladies  in  de  parlor  used  to  take 
delite  in  nitten  stockins— dat  day  am  passed,  kase  dey  got 
a  mechine  fur  doin  it  now.  In  dem  days  it  wus  part  ob  a 


252  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

wife's  duty  to  make  her  husband's  shirts,  but  tain't  so  no 
more — dere's  a  sewin  mechine  fur  doin  dat,  too.  Trowsers 
den  used  to  be  made  by  hand,  but  now  dey  gis  stick  a  piece 
ob  cloff  in  a  mechine  and  turn  a  crank,  and  out  cuins  as 
menny  reddy  made  cloze  as  wood  supply  an  army  ob  soger 
mans.  I  kin  recumleck  wen  de  stage-coach  usefl  to  kick  up 
a  dust  trn  de  country  towns,  and  blow  a  fish  horn  to  make 
de  children  git  out  ob  de  way  ;  but  now  de  old  mity  steam 
bullgine  cums  rattlin  fru  dese  places  in  iron  harness,  a 
snortin  like  old  Belzebub  when  he's  arter  an  Alderman. 
Ebery  ting  seems  turned  upside  doun.  Eben  de  ladies 
slebes,  fur  dey  used  to  wear  dem  big  at  de  shoulder  and 
mity  tight  at  de  hand,  now  its  tight  up  dar  and  big  at  de 
rist — and  de  gemmon  hab  cut  all  de  tail  off  ob  der  coats 
and  put  it  in  de  slebes  ob  de  same,  till  dey  look  as  ef  dey 
had  der  arms  in  der  trowsers. 

Folks  don't  hab  to  work  no  more  now,  de  wash  board  am 
done  away  wid,  and  all  washin  am  done  wid  der  mechine. 
Dere  ain't  no  soap  required  no  more  neder  ;  cloze  am  washed 
wid  washin-fluids,  and  wile  de  lady  ob  de  house  am  play  in  de 
forty  pianos  in  de  parlor,  de  washin  am  bein  done  by  steern 
in  de  kitchen. 

Dig  is  de  age  ob  mechines  and  new  invenshuns.  Do  old 
Hoss  pistol  hab  had  to  gub  way  to  de  CoWs  revolwer,  and  de 
young  fellers  am  riden  ruff  shod  ober  us  old  cusses,  and  we 
can't  do  nofin  but  holler.  I  heer  ob  new  tings  starting  up 
ebery  day,  and  soon  you  will  see  mechines  for  openin  clams 
and  skinen  eels. 

More  den  one  haff  ob  de  public  offices  am  turned  into 
skinen  mechines  to  skin  de  pepil,  and  dey  do  it  most  'fectally, 
and  1  speck  de  nex  ting  I  noe  you  will  hab  a  mechine  to 
lectur  to  you  ebery  week  in  place  ob  me,  kase  you  tink  it 
will  work  fur  less  wages.  I  tink  it  needs  a  mechine  ob  sum 


OLD   TIMES    AND    NEW.  253 

kind  to  furnish  lecturs  fresh  and  original  ebery  week,  fur  I 
feel  dis  old  tinkin  apperatus  in  my  nolege  box  almoss  worn 
out,  and  putty  soon  it  must  be  laid  up  wid  de  ress  ob  de  old 
lumber — but  wile  I  is  able  to  wag  my  tongue,  you  shall  heer 
de  truffs  ob  siance  as  strait  as  a  crowbar,  and  as  solid  as  a 
drunkard's  oath.  Mechines  am  not  always  found  to  be  good 
— sumbody  wus  fool  'nuff  to  construck  one  dat  wood  clean 
de  treets  in  no  time,  afore  de  sun  rubbed  de  dust  out  ob  he 
•eyes  in  de  mornin,  but  it  wus  soon  scubbered  dat  it  woodent 
do,  bekase  it  coodent  wote,  and  it  wus  cast  aside  like  a  milky 
potater.  What  a  blessin  it  wood  be  ef  sum  kute  Yankee 
wood  inwent  a  mechine  fur  xtractin  lies  out  ob  newspapers, 
and  currupshun  out  ob  de  politishuns,  and  at  de  same  time 
inject  a  little  charity  into  de  harts  ob  all  misers  and  fanat- 
icks,  but  sich  hallelujah  times  as  dem  will  nebber  cum  wile 
dis  old  sheep's  head  ob  mine  am  bleating  on  arf — but  de 
time  will  cum,  you  rebelous  scorpians,  when  mankind  will  be 
looked  'pon  as  bein  as  good  as  ennybody,  and  womankind  a 
good  deal  better.  Den  de  belignent  wings  ob  siance  will 
sore  above  de  equinotail  line  ob  bliss,  and  all  creashun  stand 
agap  and  gaze  in  putrified  amazement  on  genus  and  human 
natur.  Whoeber  libs  to  see  dat  day,  will  find  dat  sianco 
will  still  march  magestickly  on,  like  a  lazy  darkey  to  de  cot- 
ten  field — all  de  fundimental  equilibrum  will.be  consentra- 
ted  in  one  wast  epox  or  small  pox,  it  won't  make  enny 
difference  which,  and  de  shout  ob  wictory  will  go  forth  like 
de  sound  ob  a  woman's  tongue  in  mobin-time. 

Wid  dese  reflecshuns  I  send  round  de  sasser  by  Brudder 
Ernanuel  Laber  Johnson,  and  I  hope  you  won't  be  so  cussed 
stingy  as  you  wus  lass  week.  Dere  wusn't  nuff  to  buy  a  pit 
ticket  in  de  Sircus. 


254  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    LXXVIII. 

SOME    ACCOUNT    OF  JERSEY. 

WELL  FRE.\TS — 

HERE  I  is  agin,  cum  back  anudder  time,  and  I  will 
keep  a  cumin  back,  like  a  fly  to  a  sore  shin  in  summer  time, 
till  I  beat  suspectability  into  you,  or  take  de  last  shilling 
you  got.  I  ain't  got  much  to  say  to  you  dis  time,  derefore 
it  won't  take  me  more  dan  a  week  to  say  it — but  wat  I 
got  to  spit  out,  am  de  truff,  so  I  don't  car  who  nose  it.  I'm 
as  independent  as  an  Irish  woter  on  Lexshun  Day,  and  as 
impudent  as  a  lawyer  to  a  shemale  witness.  I'm  as  sassy  as 
a  bumble  bee,  and  I  feel  as  big  as  an  oberfed  bullefant.  I'm 
a  gwane  to  talk  strait  fours  to  you,  kase  I  like  to  do  it. 
All  de  world,  iukludin  Europe,  am  readiu  my  lecturs — de 
newspapers  steel  em,  de  pepil  read  'em,  and  de  nex  ting  you 
hear  will  be  dat  sumbody  cum  to  steel  me.  Gosh  almity, 
dey'd  cotch  a  tarter  emetic  of  dey  do — dey'd  better  luff  me 
alone,  for  ef  I  once  begin  to  shake  myseff  into  axslui,  you 
will  heer  ob  frequent  arfquakes,  and  sumbody  been  gulliped 
up.  I  noe  a  ting  or  two,  dat  ain't  bin  sed  in  ''Congress  yet, 
(and  probably  neber  will. 

When  I  went  to  Washington  to  sec  Massa  Pierce  'aug- 
erated  by  de  poletishuns,  I  was  a  little  frightened  wen  I 
heerd  dat  I  had  to  go  fru  Jersy,  kase  I  dideut  noe  what 
mite  happen  to  me  when  once  out  ob  de  jurydicshun  ob  de 
United  States  of  Hail  Columbia.  I  always  understood  dat 
it  wus  a  wild  regcon,  and  de  pepil  only  haff  sibil.i/.od,  (lore- 


SOME    ACCOUNT    OF   JERSEY.  255 

fore  I  took  pertickler  'tenshun  ob  de  natifs,  and  I  belebe  I've 
bin  moss  beaufully  sucked  in,  fur  in  all  de  towns  I  wus  jurked 
tru  by  de  old  he  locosmoker,  I  seed  dem  a  standin  on  de 
platforms  ob  de  car  house,  chawin  terbacker,  and  inside  I 
seed  dem  drinkin  rum  ;  so  you  see  dey  am  sibilized  gis  as  well 
as  you  Yorkers.  I  specked  to  see  dem  dressed  to  deff  in  tree 
cents  worf  ob  red  paint  and  a  tommyhawk,  and  de  wimon  in 
ear-rings,  nose  rings,  and  a  string  ob  beeds,  like  de  ingin 
folks,  but  no  !  dey  hab  five-dollar  suits  on  all  round.  It 
seemed  frum  de  way  dere  cloze  fit  dem,  dat  dey  all  muss 
sleep  in  one  mity  big  room,  and  all  xchange  cloze  ebery- 
rnornin,  fur  I  dident  see  one  dat  dident  look  as  if  he  wore  his 
close  fru  compulshun,  and  not  frum  cboise.  De  boys  all 
had  on  der  daddy's  coats,  and  der  daddys  all  'peared  to  hab 
on  de  boys  trowserloons.  I'm  sassagefied  dat  de  musshuna- 
ries  hab  bin  sent  'mong  dem,  kase  I  heard  one  ob  de  natibs 
siofire  kase  anudder  gis  happen  to  let  a  barrel  ob  pork 
rool  on  he  foot  and  skuash  it  a  little. 

I  was  berry  anxious  to  find  out  all  I  cood  'bout  de  koun- 
try  while  I  was  in  it,  and  once  when  de  rail-rode  stop,  I 
stick  my  head  out  ob  de  depot,  and  I  ax  a  fetter  in  cow  skin 
boots,  which  boots  wus  up  to  de  middle  ob  de  leg  in  mud, 
dese  questions,  and  got  dese  ansers — 

"  Wat  kountry  am  dis  ?" 

"  Tain't  no  kountry — it's  Jersey." 

"  Wat's  de  p'roduxshun  ob  de  sile  ?" 

"  Red  mud,  rail-rodes,  ingin-rubber  shoes,  jack-asses,  and 
State-Prisons." 

"  Why  what  do  you  lib  on  ?" 

"  Salt  mackerel,  and  orders  on  de  store — sumtimes  on 
clams,  at  eighteen  pence  a  hundred." 

"  Don't  you  hab  no  beef,  nor  no  butter,  no  noffin  ?" 

"  Yes,  we  git  plenty  ob  de  last  artickle,  and  we  git  beef 


256 


BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


in  hog-kilin  time.  We  eat  lard  and  salt  far  butter — dat 
cussed  New  York  takes  all  our  butter.  We  supply  it  wid 
Orange  Kounty  milk  and  butter,  and  grub  'long  de  best  way 
we  kin." 

"  Well,  don't  you  raise  nofin  in  de  ground  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes  !  pavin  stones,  ledder  chips,  and  clam  shells." 

"  Oh,  you  must  hab  odder  tings  besides  dese,  or  else  you 
coodent  lib.  Can't  you  tink  ob  noffin  else  you  raise 
here  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  plenty.  Feber  and  ager,  patent  medicines,  con- 
snmpshun,  bad  colds,  malisha  trainins,  and  now  and  den  a 
fite." 

"  Don't  de  folks  neber  marry  here  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  sebrel  married  lass  year,  and  two  poor-houses 
hab  been  bilt  dis  season." 

I  wus  gis  gwane  to  ax  him  his  name,  wen  de  old'irou  boss 
gub  a  snort  and  set  us  a  flyin,  but  I  seed  a  row  ob  yeller  teef 
a  grinnin  at  me  as  far  as  I  cood  see  de  man. 

Notwidstandin  all  dis,  my  frens,  I  tink  Jersey  a  fust  rate 
place  fur  a  poor  man  to  die  in.  Dat  feller  wus  a  sour  cuss, 
and  I  heerd  afterwards,  frum  one  ob  de  nabors,  who  got  in 
de  car  while  I  wus  spokein  to  him  out  ob  de  winder,  dat  he 
wus  so  sour,  dat  de  folks  sent  fur  him  fur  miles  'round,  to  cum 
and  look  in  der  pickel  barrel,  as  his  expreshun  wood  act  on 
dem  better  den  winegar.  He  wus  christened  wid  winegar, 
fed  on  green  grapes  and  crab  apples,  drank  nbfin  but  lemon 
juice  and  sour  sider  all  his  life,  and  neber  cum  near  euny- 
body  widout  gubbin  dem  a  stomjack-ake.  I  speck  de  reson 
I  dident  cotch  it,  wus  bekase,  like  moss  folks  dat  trabel 
much,  I  wus  well  fortified  wid  gingerbred  all  'bout  my  cloze. 
Dats  all  I  cood  find  out  'bout  Jersey  by  passin  fru,  and  I 
tort  I'd  tell  you  'bout  it.  Sum  folks  on  de  odder  side  ob  de 
big  pond  hab  written  a  hole  book  on  de  institushuns  ob  de 


SPRING    TIME.  257 

kountry,  de  habits  and  manners  ob  de  pepil,  and  neber  seed 
no  more  ob  it  dan  I  did  ob  Jersey,  So  I  only  follow  in  de 
beaten  paffs  (beaten  as  solid  as  de  paff  frum  de  back  door 
ob  a  circus,  to  de  nearest  rum  shop)  ob  my  lushus  preceed- 
in  successors. 

Will   Brudder   LaFayette  Bobson   Rusher   pleese  pass 
round  de  useal  sasser,  and  look  out  always  fur  bad  coppers. 


^LECTURE    LXXIX. 

SPRING  TIME. 

SUSPICIOUS  FILIBUSTERS — 

I  TOLD  you  lass  week  'bout  my  habin  de  rnmaticks, 
and  I  is  now  as  full  ob  pains  as  a  big  church  window,  but  I 
speck  to  recubber  de  use  of  my  appetite  and  drinkatite  as 
soon  as  de  lubly  spring  am  opened  like  a  huge  oyster,  by  de 
warm  rays  ob  de  glorious  old  sun.  I  don't  belebe  dar  am 
ennyting  dat  will  cure  de  old  rumatism — aldo  a  furiner  on 
fuss  landin  'mong  us,  wood  judge,  by  readin  de  newspapers, 
dat  we  hab  gis  bin  de  sickest  nashun  on  de  arf,  and  all  hab 
gis  got  cured,  and  was  so  glad  dat  dey  put  it  in  de  news 
papers,  to  luff  dere  frens  noe  dat  dey  am  once  more  seeable. 
On  de  odder  hand,  a  green  furiner  wood  'spose,  frum  readin 
de  advertisements  ob  de  quack-doctors  (and  all  de  doctors 
arn  quack-doctors),  dat  all  de  community  was  in  a  drefful 
state  of  sickness,  and  didn't  noe  wat  to  do  fur  demseff,  and 
dat  sum  beueblent  pusson  wus  publishin  a  newspaper  gis  to 
tell  dem  whar  to  cum  and  git  cured  at  once,  and  so  end  de 


258  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

matter.  Sumtimes  de  sickness  am  ended,  and  sumtimes  de 
pashent,  which  am  all  de  same,  a  hundred  years  frum  now. 

In  old  times,  in  Spain  and  France — two  countries  away 
off  furder  den  New  Orleans — it  used  to  be  de  custom  fur  de 
quack-doctors  to  ride  on  a  he  Jack-ass,  and  hab  a  man  to 
blow  a  horn.  When  de  horn  was  blowd  in  de  market  place, 
de  pepil  semble  round  de  ass  and  de  doctor,  and  den  he 
wood  open  he  box,  like  de  soap  man  on  de  team  tates,  and 
sell  his  stuffs,  and  de  pepil  at  de  same  time — but  now  it  am 
different.  De  quack-doctor  uses  de  newspaper  insted  ob  de 
Ass,  and  de  editors  dereof  do  de  blowin.  De  man  on  de 
Ass  used  to  colleck  pennies  and  shillins,  but  de  man  dat 
rides  on  newspaper  popularity,  collecks  dollars  insted,  and 
all  dis  am  owein  to  de  'provement  ob  de  times,  and  de  news 
received  daily  frum  de  spiritual  world. 

We  am  now  in  de  happy  spring  time,  in  de  seson  ob  tem- 
tashun,  fur  I  belebe  it  war  in  de  spring  time  ob  de  world 
dat  mudder  Ebe  temted  farder  Adam  ;  but  you  fellers  dat 
lib  in  de  city  don't  noe  nuffin  'bout  de  beniue  influenza  ob 
de  lubly  spring.  Ef  you  want  to  fed  de  spring  in  your 
nostrils,  and  wish  to  kick  up  like  a  young  colt  in  a  clober  lot 
or  be  as  sportive  as  a  pig  jis  broke  out  ob  he  pen,  you  muss 
go  to  de  kountry  which  God  made  wid  he  own  bans,  and 
git  away  frum  de  brick  and  mortar  cities,  which  dat  animal 
man  projected,  erected,  and  biltr-fur  heseff.  How  beauful 
am  all  tings  in  de  kountry  ob  a  spring  mornin.  Den  you 
har  de  lubly  singin  ob  de  cows,  de  sweet  ba-ah  ob  de  sheep, 
and  de  lowin  ob  sweet  little  birds  as  dey  jump  frum  lirn  to 
lim,  cotchin  de  dear  little  innocent  worms,  dat  hab  foolishly 
got  up  afore  de  birds.  Den  it  am  dat  de  sheep  and  calves 
grow  frisky,  and  cut  up  all  sorts  ob  jimnastys  on  de  hill  side, 
in  de  warm  moonshine. 

De  sun  by  dis  time  hab  laffed  old  winter  in  de  face  so 


*  SPRING   TIME.  259 

long,  dat  he  had  to  open  his  icy  teef  and  let  de  brooks  once 
more  go  on  dere  way  rejoicein,  and  off  dey  run  a  bubbling  up 
and  doun  like  stocks  in  Wall  street.  All  natnr  seems  to 
hab  gis  taken  out  a  new  leace  of  life,  and  feels  pertickerly 
fine  on  de  'caishun.  De  roseys  will  soon  be  dere  now,  and 
de  perfume  ob  de  flowers,  de  grass,  and  de  cow-yard,  will 
gib  healf  and  sassagefacshun  to  dose  who  choose  to  seek  it. 
Talk  'bout  your  black  swans, — why  you  can  beer  plenty  ob 
dem  'bout  milkin  time,  ob  a  spring  mornin,  in  a  kountry 
cow-yard.  Yes,  indeed,  it  wus  in  a  morantic  spot  like  dis 
dat  I  fuss  herd  dat  sole-stirring  melody  ob  "  Jinny  get  your 
hoe  cake  done."  I  shall  neber  forgit  dat  scene  as  long  as  I 
tink  ob  it. 

Dere  wus  massa  jawin, 

De  cow  wus  a  chawin, 

De  boss  wus  a  pawin, 

De  rooster  wus  a  cawin, 

De  old  Jack-ass  wus  a  brawin, — 

De  pigs  and  sheep  a  playin, 

Jemima  wus  a  singin, 

I  wus  on  de  gate  a  swingin, 

And  I  wish  I  may  be  darn, 

Ef  I  tort  it  enny  harm — 

But  de  old  man  got  a  stick, 

And  fotch  me  sich  a  lick, 

Dat  he  made  me  scrach  and  kick, 

And  I  smart  fur  almoss  a  week. 

But  dem  days  am  gone  now.  I  muss  stay  heer  in  dis  sity 
fur  bread  and  butter.  De  spring  am  bery  different  here. 
Insted  ob  smellin  roses,  you  small  bed-bugs  and  dirty  streets. 
All  de  freshness  you  git  am  frum  de  lime  pail.  Insted  ob 
green  grass  to  walk  'pon,  you  hab  wet  floors,  and  de  only 
music  you  heer  am  de  wimon  scoldin,  and  de  carman  a  swarin 
whilst  he  am  a  smashin  your  tings  when  mobin  dera.  Dust 


260  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

fills  your  eyes,  nose,  and  mouf,  in  de  day  time — and  smoke 
frum  burnin  up  old  straw  beds  at  night.  So  you  see  de 
difference  and  de  odds  atwene  de  sity  and  de  kountry  in  de 
spring.  I  don't  noe  dat  you  fellers  notice  dese  tings  as  much 
as  me,  kase  when  a  feller  am  under  de  wedder,  he  am  reddy 
to  find  fault  wid  eberyting  in  life,  frum  de  high  price  ob 
putty  doun  to  a  toof-pick. 

Dats  all  you'll  git  out  ob  me  to-night.  And  you  may 
put  in  as  much  or  as  little  as  you  like  when  long  Cudgo 
passes  round  de  sasser. 


.      .  LECTURE  LXXX. 

FIRST    OF    MAY  IN    NEW  YORK. 

DER  hab  bin  a  high .  gittin  up-stairs  since  I  hab  seen 
you  lass  week.  Aft  New  York  hab  turned  itself  inside  out 
like  one  ob  dem  kowloskopes.  May-be  you  don't  noe  what 
a  kowloskopes  is.  Den  I  hab  to  stop  and  tell  you.  A 
kowloskopes  is  a  haff  sivlized  spy-glass.  You  look  in  at  de 
bung  hole,  and  turn  him  round,  and  de  hole  lot  ob  red,  yeller, 
and  blue  jokers  inside,  turn  flemseffs  inside  out  like  de  ingin- 
rubber  man  in  de  Museum,  and  change  places  ebery  time  it 
turns.  You  muss  be  bery  earful  while  lookin  tru  it,  kase  it 
mite  make  you  dizzy  heded,  and  go  off  and  spill  itself. 
Ebery  year  New  York  turns  round  like  a  kowloskope,  and  de 
joker  change  places  sumtimes  fur  betterer,  sumtimes  fur 
worserer.  Ob  corse  de  time  fur  doin  dis  in  New  York  is  de 
first  ob  May — den  eberybody  mobes  fur  seberal  days  before 
de  time.  De  gentlemen  is  mobin  round  to  git  up  de  rent — de 


FIRST    OF    MAY    IX    NEW    YORK.  261 

w  omens  mobin  round  to  pack  up  de  tings,  git  a  honse,  and. 
so-forth,  and  so  on.  It  is  indese  times  dat  de  kolored  man 
always  blesses  de  feller  dat  inwented  de  art  ob  white-washin 
— its  de  only  time  in  de  yeer  when  he  kan  be  sassy  as  he 
like — dis  am  de  time,  when,  ef  he  spats  de  lime  all  ober  do 
furniture,  and  de  lady  yells  out  to  him  and  shows  him  what 
he  had  done,  he  kan  look  round  wid  'punity,  and  tell  her  to 
git  a  rag  and  a  little  greece,  and  rub  it  off  to  suit 
herseff. 

Dis  am  de  season  fur  slaughter  'rnong  de  bed-bugs,  and  de 
mice,  and  de  rats — and  it  is  in  fact  de  season  when  de  kol 
ored  populashun  am  to  be  respected  in  dar  rites.  Mobin  day 
always  wus  de  Forth  ob  July  in  New  York  fur  de  kolored 
people,  and  ef  dey  do  smash  and  break  tings,  de  gemmons 
tinks  it  don't  make  no  difference,  kase  de  kolored  folks  am 
worth  nothin,  and  dey  can't  get  noffin  frum  dem — dertfore  I 
say  unto  you,  blessed  am  dey  dat  ain't  not  got  no  furniture 
fur  dey  got  little  to  get  smashed  in  mobiu  ;  blessed  am  dem 
dat  am  too  poor  to  hire  a  house,  fur  den  dey  got  no  rent  to 
pay  ;  blessed  am  dey  dat  lib  in  one  rooin,  fur  den  dey  ain't 
got  de  whole  house  to  look  arter  ;  blessed  am  dey  dat  ain't 
got  nothin  to  eat,  fur  dey  won't  be  troubled  wid  de  dyspep 
tic  ;  blessed  am  de  poor  in  pocket,  fur  dey  ain't  troubled  wid 
Sudren  and  State  money  ;  and  blessed  am  de  sick,  wid 
ennyting  but  rumaticks,  fur  dey  git  all  de  sweetmeats.  Dis 
is  de  season  when  de  little  birds  mate,  and  de  crows  get 
married,  and  so  does  de  elemphant.  It  am  de  time  fur  going 
into  partnership  generally. 

Talking  of  partnership,  brings  to  my  mind  sumting  dat  I 
kan't  tink  of  ;  and  while  its  in  my  recollecshun  box,  I'll  jist 
tell  it  to  you — its  a  story,  and  mite  be  called  a  nanedote. 
It  happened  when  de  kountry  ob  Jersey  wasent  bigger  den 
a  cow-yard,  and  de  great  big  churches  what  you-  got  now, 


262  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

wasent  bigger  dan  a  hen-coop  ;  in  fact,  de  k  imntry  wus  bery 
young. 

About  de  time  menshuned  in  de  lass  clause,  dere  libed 
two  old  kolored  men,  one  wus  named  Simon  Strong  (who 
de  folks  used  to  call  Strong  Simon  fur  shortness),  de  odder's 
name  wus  Ben,  his  name  wood  hab  bin  Franklyn,  but  dey 
dident  noe  how  to  spell  it — derefore,  because  de  schoolmas 
ter  wusn't  abroad,  he  wus  robbed  of  he  best  name. 

Dese  two  old  darkies  went  into  partnership  one  May 
mornin,  in  de  wood  chopin  business.  Dey  got  along  fuss 
rate  fur  more  dan  a  week,  but  dere  wus  a  suckemstance  dat 
took  place  which  colapsed  de  firm.  Old  Simon  Strong  had 
a  great  fashion  ob  gruntin,  whenever  he  was  chopin  wood, 
he  always  guv  a  grunt  like  an  old  hog  disturbed  in  a  mud 
hole — dis  use  to  make  Ben  laff,  and  he  sed  to  him — 

"  Simon,  what  makes  you  grunt  so  ebery  time  you  hit  de 
wood?" 

"  Ah  !"  said  Simon,  leaning  on  he  axe  handle,  "  dat  am  a 
great  mark  ob  strenf,  Ben.  When  Goliah  carried  away  de 
gates  ob  Jordou,  he  was  herd  to  grunt  sixty  miles  round  " 

"  Well,"  says  Ben,  "  I  tink  you  can  strike  jis  as  hard  a 
blow  widout  grnntin,  as  you  kan  wid  gruntin." 

"  I  noe  better,"  says  Simon,  "  fur  I  hab  tride  it." 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do  wid  you,"  says  Ben,  "  I'll 
bet  you  free  cents  dat  you  kan  chop  up  haff  a  cord  ob  wood 
as  quick,  and  let  me  do  de  gruntin,  as  if  you  grunted 
yourself." 

"  Well,"  says  Simon,  "  I'll  take  dat  bet — How  long  does 
it  ginerally  take  you  to  chop  half  a  cord  ?"  axed  Simon. 

"  About  half  a  day." 

Well,  de  nex  mornin,  Simon  commenced  to  cut  de  wood, 
wile  Ben  sat  on  a  log  and  done  de  gruntin — it  took  him  all 
day  till  sun-down  to  chop  de  haff  cord,  and  ob  corse  wun  de 


FIRST    OF    MAT    IX    NEW    YORK.  263 

wager.  Now  de  troubble  commenced  in  de  firm — when 
Saturday  nite  cum,  Simon  woodent  pay  Ben  he  share  fur 
cuttin  de  wood,  because  he  said  he  dident  do  nothin  towards 
it,  but  jis  sat  on  a  log  all  day  and  grunt.  Dis  make  Ben 
bery  mad,  and  on  Monday  mornin'  he  went  and  lade  he 
complaint  before  de  door  ob  a  Dutch  Justice.  De  Justice 
listen  to  de  complaint  in  all  de  specktacles  and  morning 
gown  what  he  had.  He  sed  he  wood  prosecute  Simon  fur 
bigimy,  and  send  a  konstable  wid  a  suspician  after  him  ;  and 
after  hearin  de  case,  he  wanted  free  weeks  to  gib  a  division 
ob  de  case.  Durin  dese  free  weeks,  Simon  and  Ben  wus 
lookin  black  at  each  odder,  makin  snoots  and  shakin  fists  at 
demseffs,  weneber  dey  met.  By-aud-by  de  day  cum  for  de 
division,  and  Squire  Tunderbighed's  cort-room  in  he  kitchen 
wus  filled  wid  spec-tators  and  a  few  rotton  punkius.  Wen 
de  hour  arrived,  de  Justice  came  in  frum  de  cow  yard,  cob- 
ered  wid  dirt  and  dignity — de  fuss  wurd  he  axed  wen  he  sat 
down  wus  : 

"  How  much  you  got  for  shopin  de  wood  ?" 
"  Twenty-five  cents,"  says  Simon.  # 

"  Shilence  !"  sed  de  Justice,  "dat  is  all  I  vant  to  noes." 
Den  he  took  twenty-five  pennies  out  ob  he  pocket,  and  he 
tell  Simon  to  cum  on  wun  side  and  Ben  on  de  odder  ;  den 
he  stand  up,  den  he  take  wun  ob  de  pennies  and  jingle  it  on 
de  table,  and  he  say  to  Ben — 
"  Ben,  did  you  heer  dat  jingle  ?" 
"  Yes,  sab. !"  said  Ben. 

"  Yell,  den,"  says  de  Justice,  "  you  kan  take  de  jingle  and 
gib  Simon  de  monish." 

And  so  he  went  on  wid  all  de  pennies,  gubbin  Ben  de 
sound  only ;  den  de  cort  adjourned,  and  tread  on  a  cat's  tail, 
and  you  can  do  de  same  widout  treadin  on  anybody's  tail. 


264  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  LXXXI. 

ABSENT    MINDED. 
OUTDASAUS    SCORPIANS — 

As  I  rise  dis  nite,  and  look  round  me  on  all  sides, 
and  see  sich  a  inosent  looking  flock  ob  black  sheep,  it  almoss 
makes  me  tink  dat  butter  woodent  melt  in  your  big  rnouffs, 
and  ef  I  dident  noe  better,  I  wood  tink  dat  you  war  all  red- 
dy  to  ockepy  and  entitled  to  take  a  frunt  seat  in  hebbin, 
but  you  cant  pull  de  wool  ober  my  eyes.  I  noe  you  all  like 
a  pictur  book.  You  kant  fool  me  no  how  you  kan  fix  it. 
You  may  hang  your  under  lip  like  a  mudderless  colt,  till  it 
touches  your  westcotes,  and  shed  krockerdile  tears  big  as 
gooseberrys,  but  for  all  dat,  you  kant  fool  your  time  wid 
me. 

You  all  tort,  no  dout,  dat  de  diabolical  trick  you  sarbed 
me  last  week  wus  sumfin  to  laff  at,  and  I  speck  you  all  did 
laff  in  your  shirt  slebes,  to  tink  how  you  fooled  your  poor 
old  and  moss  worn-out  shepherd.  Now  gis  look  at  all  your 
eyes — sum  ob  dein  am  big  round  as  sassers  wid  hipockracy. 
You  am  all  tryin  your  bess  to  make  me  tink  you  don't  noe 
what  I  am  talking  'bout,  but  you  all  do,  well  'nuff,  and  de 
more  shame  fur  you,  you  stingy  back-slidin  niggers.  You 
am  niggars,  kase  you  act  like  niggers  lass  lecture  nite. 

I  went  home  gis  de  same  as  ef  nofin  «happend — wid  a  lite 
hart,  noein  dat  I'd  done  my  duty,  and  neber  tort  ob  nofin. 
Next  day  I  got  up  by  de  brake  ob  day,  "  my  useal  custom 
in  de'arternoon,"  as  Massa  Gimblct,  de  Prince  ob  Dunkirk, 


ABSENT    MINDED.  265 

says,  and  as  I  wus  agwane  to  walk  out,  I  felt  like  takin  a 
useal  chaw  ob  'bacco,  and  sure  nuff  I  dident  hab  none,  I  put 
my  hand  in  my  odder  trowsers  pocket  to  git  free  cents  to  pay 
fur  a  paper — not  a  newspaper,  but  a  paper  ob  'bacco,  and 
sure  'nuff  I  dident  hab  enny,  not  only  gis  one  cent.  I  node 
my  money  wasent  in  my  udder  close,  kase  I  hadent  no  odder 
close  fur  de  money  to  be  in,  derefore  I  wus  sure  on  dat  pint. 
I  rushed  back  to  de  seller  and  axed  Anty  Clawson  ef  I  had 
pade  my  bord  fur  de  week,  and  sure  'nuff,  she  told  me,  "  no 
indeed,"  and  she  wus  a  wonderin  how  I  cum  to  go  out  de 
mornin  arter  lecture  nite,  afore  I  gub  it  to  her,  as  I  generly 
do. 

"  Well,  den,  by  golly,"  sed  I,  "  I've  bin  robbed,  fur  I 
ain't  got  de  fust  red  cent  to  my  name." 

"  Oh,  come  now,"  sed  she,  "  you  am  too  old  to  'tempt 
enny  sich  niggerism  as  dat,  at  your  time  ob  life,  and'I  am 
too  old  to  be  fooled  by  enny  sich  stories  as  dat.  Ef  you 
hab  fooled  away  de  money,  why  don't  you  say  so,  and  not 
try  to  lie  out  ob  it.  I  tort  you  cum  in  late  lass  nite,  but  I 
dident  say  nofin,  and  I  woodent  hab  sed  nofin  ef  you  hadent 

•/  •/ 

a  tryed  to  cum  dat  old  niggerism,  dat  old  loossin  game,  ober 
me,  gis  at  quarter  day,  too." 

Well,  dis  harrang  frum  Anty  Clawson  made  me  mity  mad, 
and  I  pitched  into  her  at  a  rate  ob  forty  hoss  power.  I 
axed  her  ef  I  dident  always  pay  my  bord  and  washin  on  de 
square — and  she  committed  de  fac.  Well,  den,  I  told  her 
I'd  lebe  de  house,  and  mobe  my  skunkto  skunktorum  to  sum 
odder  house  ob  more  kindly  influence. 

Den  she  told  him  to  clar  out,  dat  I  had  so  menny  wench 
es  runnin  dere,  dat  it  wus  a  nuisance. 

Dat  remark  fixed  my  firmness  in  a  resolution,  and  I  made 
up  my  mind  at  once  to  trabel — so  I  packed  up  all  my  tings 
ir  a  market-basket,  and  me  and  a  black  man  toted  dem  to 
12 


266  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

my  new  home,  at  sister  Florinda  Lutts,  in  de  rear,  third 
story,  back  room. 

De  fuss  nite  I  sleep  in  my  new  bed,  I  coodent  sleep  at  all, 
fur  tinkin  whar  'bouts  my  money  cood  hab  gone  to — when 
all  at  once  de  fac  flash  on  my  mind  like  a  steel  trap,  dat  I 
dident  take  up  no  collecshun  lass  week  at  all,  and  derefore  I 
nebber  had  de  money. 

JSTow  ain't  you  a  putty  set  ob  scorpians,  not  to  tell  me 
'bout  it,  when  you  seed  dat  I  wus  so  karried  away  wid  de 
buty  ob  my  discorse,  dat  I  forgit  it.  Hadent  I  orto  git  a 
big  club  and  cum  and  pound  sum  ob  you  on  de  coco-nut  till 
I  beat  charity  into  your  heds — but  I'll  fix  you,  I  won't 
lecture  a  bit  to  nite,  and  yon  got  to  take  up  a  double 
kollecshun  on  dis  caishun,  or  else  I  don't  cum  next  week. 
I'd  radder  sell  clam-soup  atwene  two  tin  kittles  and  an 
ox  yo"ke  dan  to  be  treated  in  dis  way.  Odder  congrega- 
shuns  buy  dere  shepherds  a  pasnips  (dats  a  house  to  lib  in), 
but  I'll  nebber  git  a  pasnip  widout  I  go  away  off  doun  on 
Long  Island  Seagut  Shore,  to  de  willage  ob  Loafland,  whar 
homesteds  am  sold  fur  fibe  dollars,  payable  two  shillings  a 
week  to  de  carier.  I'll  go  and  look  at  dis  place,  and  see 
what  kind  ob  a  lot  and  home  I  kan  git  fur  fibe  dollars,  and 
den  Anty  Clawson,  and  all  de  rest  ob  de  landlords  may  go 
to  de  Mormons. 

Mr.  Junius  Brutus  Witehed  will  please  pass  round  a 
sasser  in  each  hand,  and  he  will  do  me  de  kindness  to  'port 
de  name  ob  ebery  Brudder  and  Sister  dat  don't  chip  up, 
kase  I  gis  want  to  noe  who  am  who  on  dis  singeler  caishun. 


FLAT   TRUTHS.  267 


LECTURE  LXXXTL 

FLAT  TRUTHS. 

CRUSADIN  MORTALS — 

I  HAB  bin  radder  eratic  in  my  lecturs  ob  late,  but 
dats  none  ob  your  bizness,  and  dats  de  reason  I  'pologize  to 
you.  May  be  sum  ob  you  don't  noe  de  meanin  ob  de  word 
eratic,  derefore  I  stop  on  my  way,  like  a  niilkman  in  de  morn- 
in,  and  'splain  it  to  your  understandin.  Eratic  meens  to  fly 
off  de  handle.  It  am  a  Greek  word,  and  cum  ober  here 
wid  de  Irish  in  an  emigrant  ship  'mong  de  rats.  Ef  you 
look  back  fur  de  lass  few  weeks,  you  will  see  dat  I  hab  bin 
flyin  off  de  handle  ;  and  insted  ob  my  gubbin  you  Simon 
pure  siance,  I  hab  bin  gubbin  you  a  kind  ob  discourse  ob  my 
pussonal  mobements  ;  but  dis  ebening  I  trust  to  be  more 
siantific  den  eber,  and  git  a  collecshun  'cordinly. 

You  will  find  de  words  dat  susspire  me  dis  ebenin,  in  de 
Sam  book,  29f  page,  fust  claws  ob  de  forty-toof  werse— 19f 
page  forty-toof  werse. 

"  Whip  de  debil  round  de  stump, 
Ebery  crack  will  make  him  jump ! 
Glory,  glory,  glory." 

What  a  blessed  maginashun  de  poet  dat  penned  dese 
lines  muss  hab  had.  De  reder  ob  dem  kan  almoss  see  old 
Jimmy  Squarfoot  a  rnshin  round  a  stump,  closely  followed 
by  a  fellow  wid  a  sharp  stick.  But,  my  frens,  you  musent 
belebe  all  dat  de  poet  say,  or  else  you  git  in  a  Lunitic  Hos- 


268  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

pital  afore  you  noe  it.  You  derefore  muss  not  belebe  dat 
de  ole  he  belzebub  am  green  'nuff  to  luff  ennybody  whip  him 
pussonally  round  a  stump.  De  ting  am  empossible,  fur  ef 
he  wus  to  gis  hit  his  pussuer  wid  de  tip  ob  he  tail,  eh  !  eh  ! 
he'd  be  a  gone  coon  quicker  den  a  snake  could  swaller  a 
•wood-chuck. 

I  shall  diwide  my  subjick  in  free  parts — fustly  we  cum  to 
de  whip  and  de  stump. 

Secondly  we  cum  to  de  jump. 

Firdly  we  cum  to  glory. 

Fustly,  den,  I  tell  you  plainly  dere  am  a  good  menny 
ways  ob  whippin  de  debil  round  de  stump.  De  desire  to 
hit  him  a  crack  and  make  him  jump,  animate  de  brest  ob  all 
de  human  family,  and  eberybody  am  human  family. 

Sum  church  people  whip  him  in  a  good  menny  ways.  Dey 
am  doun  on  de  freaters,  bekase  dey  say  dey  am  de  debil's 
skool ;  but  dese  berry  folks  will  take  a  front  seat  in  de  sa 
loon  in  de  Museum  or  at  Niblo's  Garden.  Dey'd  patronize 
de  Serkis,  and  go  to  see  dat  big  beast,  de  Hippodrome,  wid- 
out  de  least  cumpunkshuns  of  konshunce,  and  dats  one  way 
to  whip  de  debil  round  de  stump — not  dat  I  consider  dese 
places  sinful  to  wisit,  put  bekase  I  noe  one  freater  to  be  gis 
de  same  as  de  todder  one.  De  miser  whips  de  debil  round 
de  stump  all  he  life — he  grinds  de  face  ob  de  poor  to  hord 
up  he  nasty  gold,  and  den  he  change  off  wid  he  lowness  in  de 
end,  and  de  debil  whip  him  round  in  de  odder  world.  De 
sinner  tinks  he  am  berry  cunnin,  and  am  whippin  him  round 
at  a  great  rate,  and  keep  him  a  hurryin  up  he  kakes  all  de 
tune — but  in  dis  case  de  fun  ob  it  am,  de  foot  am  on  de  od 
der  boot,  fur  he  am  lashin  dem  like  blazes  all  de  time. 
Sum  folks  tink  dey  can  cheat  and  lie  in  bizaess  and  make 
stacks  ob  money,  and  den  whip  de  debil  round  de  stump  by 
gubbin  a  large  donashun  to  do  Track  Society,  and  git  der 


FLAT   TRUTHS.  269 

name  in  de  newspapers — but  you'll  see  when  your  time  cums, 
who'll  git  made  to  fly  round  on  dese  stumps. 

I  don't  want  you  to  tink  dat  I  got  any  sympafy  fur  old 
horns  and  tail,  kase  I  arn't.  I  wish  sumbody  would  gub 
hun  a  lickin,  kase  he  deserves  it,  as  I  told  a  white 
brudder  de  odder  day  in  de  'treet. 

De  brudder  cum  up  to  me  and  shook  hans,  and  sed  he, 
"  Professor,  I  hab  read  ebery  one  ob  your  lectursiu  de  Pic 
ayune  fur  de  lass  two  years  and  ober,  and  it  really  beats  de 
debit  how  you  kan  keep  dem  up  so  characteristic  and 
fresh." 

I  dident  noe  'zackly  what  he  meant,  but  I  told  him  I  was 
bery  anxious  to  beat  dat  feller,  and  wood  do  it  wid  a  club  ef 
I  cood,  and  den  he  laf  at  me.  But  I  tell  you  what,  frens,  I 
'tend  to  beat  him  in  de  end  ef  possible.  I  noe  he  am  arter 
me  like  he  am  arter  all  de  rest  ob  you,  but  I  hope  to  dis 
tance  him  at  de  end  ob  de  race  ob  life,  and  de  way  Pm 
gwine  to  do  it  am  dis — you  kan  all  follow  suit  and  git  ahead 
ob  me  in  de  game  ef  you  like.  I  am  goin  to  be  so  good  and 
charitable  to  my  nabor,  dat  old  Squarfoot  won't  keep  cum- 
pany  wid  me.  He  hates  good  folks,  and  ef  I  kan  get  a 
chance  to  lam  him,  ef  I  don't  I  hope  I  won't  get  fifty  cents 
in  de  sasser  to-nite. 

Secondly — We  cum  to  de  crack  and  de  jump,  and  I  don't 
noe  as  I  got  much  to  say  on  dat  pint.  It  am  only  a  'spres- 
sion  ob  de  poet  to  gub  force  to  de  figure,  but  ef  ever  I  git 
a  crack  at  him  wid  a  raw-hide,  he'll  see  stars.  I'll^bet  de 
new  straw  hat  and  summer  cloze  what  I  speck  you  will  gub 
me  dis  week,  aginst  dese  old  forlorn  rags  dat  I  got  on  now, 
dat  Pll  make  him  jump  till  he'd  tink  Hallumlujah  day  had 
cum  for  sartin,  and  he'd  got  to  lebe. 

Firdly — We  cum  to  glory,  and  dere  I  tink  I  had  better 
lebe  you.  Chaw  ober  what  I  hab  sed  to  you.  It  will  bare 


210  BLACK   DIAMONDS 

tinkin  ob  afore  goin  to  sleep — put  all  you  can  spare  in  de 
sasser  and  go  home  wid  a  lite  hart  and  pocket. 

Dis  room  wants  white-washin  and  scrubbin,  and  muss  be 
done.  Derefore  I  pint  Brudder  Sam  Scofeld,  Brudder  Eras- 
tus  B.  Arlington  Lutts,  Brudder  George  Washington 
Franklin  Peters,  Sister  Pecilla  Jemima  Johnson,  and  Sister 
Ann  Amelia  Sarah  Mariah  Tuffs,  as  a  kommittee  on  de 
hole,  to  see  it  done.  Extry  kolleckshun  will  be  taken  fur 
lime  and  soap. 

Brudder  John  Tattlefat  will  pleese  pass  round  de  sasser, 
and  see  dat  no  bad  money  am  rung  in  dis  time. 


LECTURE  LXXXIII. 

JULEOUS'  IDIA  OF  THE  HIPPODROME. 

SHEEP  OB  MY  FOLD — 

DE  subjeck  dat  calls  aloud  for  'splanation  dis  ebenin, 
am  one  ob  de  most  'portant  dat  hab  seized  de  intelect  for  a 
monff  ob  Sundays,  and  may  be  considered  in  de  higher  walks 
ob  siauce.  I  hab  spent  more  time  in  lookin  in  de  gogrofy 
and  picture  books  to  find  out  'bout  him  den  his  hed's  worf. 
I  dont  noe  zackly  what  book  to  tell  you  to  look  for  de  tex 
in,  kase  I  nebber  seed  de  animal  in  enny  ob  de  books  I  hunt 
for  him  ;  but^I  gess  he  am  in  Gold  Smith's  Anamatin  His 
tory  ob  de  United  States.  De  anamale  I  shall  'tempt  to 
lucidate  dis  ebenin  hab  been  a  kicken  up  considerable  ob  a 


JULEOUS'    IDIA    OF   THE    HIPPODROME.  271 

dust,  ob  late,  in  dis  town,  and  I  tink  it  am  hie  time  dat  I 
curried  him  down  a  little.     De  anitnale  'luded  to  am. 

DE    HIPPODROME. 

Prom  all  I  hear  'bout  dis  beast,  he  must  be  a  bully  ob  a 
animale.  He  am  related  on  he  mudder's  side  to  de  Drome 
family,  and  kinsequancely  de  Drome  edary  and  de  Bas-drum 
claim  him  as  a  member  ob  dere  family.  On  he  fadder's  side 
he  am  related  to  de  Hips.  He  am  fust  cusin  to  de  Hip 
popotamus,  and  brudder  to  de  Hipocondrick,  as  nie  as  I  can 
find  out.  I  cant  berry  well  'splaiu  his  'pearance  to  you, 
kase  I  nebber  seed  him  alive,  nor,  as  I  just  now  sed,  cood  I 
find  his  dogsearotype  likeness  in  enny  ob  de  picture  books 
or  almanack,  and  I  hab  looked  obber  more  dan  a  hundred 
to  find  it,  and  set  up  amoss  all  nite  a  doin  it.  I  hab  seed 
de  house  dat  he  libs  in  dough,  and  I  declar  to  you  it  am 
big  as  a  norf  ribber  steembote.  I  was  detarmand  to  see 
him,  so  dat  I  cood  'splain  all  de  pints  to  you,  and  derefore, 
wid  dat  ontent,  I  went  up  to  his  house  and  ax  de  man  at 
de  doe  if  I  cood  go  in  and  see  de  beast.  "  We  got  no 
place  for  colourd  pepil  in  de  house,  and  besides  you'd  only 
git  fritened,"  sed  de  man.  Derefore  I  -had  to  go  way,  but 
my  useal  first  for  nolege  woodent  be  fooled  dat  way,  so  I 
went  round  to  de  back  door  and  peep  in  de  crack  at  de  side, 
and  dere  I  seed  wonders.  On  one  side  stood  a  kitten  Elem- 
fiut — dat  you  noe  am  a  young  Elemfint — 'bout  de  size  ob  a 
hepe  ob  hair  trunks.  He  was  a  eatin  hay  wid  his  nose  or 
trunk,  and  while  I  was  a  lookin  'at  him  roll  it  up  and  stretch 
it  out,  like  an  Ingin  rubber  hose,  I  tort  he'd  make  a  fuss  rate 
lawyer,  kass  he  cood  stick  his  nose  so  fur  in  odder  folk's 
biziness.  At  fust  I  was  puzzled  to  noe  which  was  his  fruit t 
or  rear,  kase  at  fust  site  I  tort  he  had  two  tails,  one  at  boff 
ends.  I  belebe  dey  stuff  all  de  Elemfints  wid  hay  while  dcy 


272  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

lib  and  arter  dey  am  ded,  kase  de  one  dey  got  in  de  Museum 
am  stuffed  wid  it  till  you  kin  see  it  a  stickin  out  ob  de  skin. 
On  de  odder  side  stood  a  Camel,  and  dis  poor  feller  had  met 
wid  de  same  axedent  dat  befel  de  odder  one  I  seed  in  de 
animale  show.  He  too  hab  had  he  back  broke  in  two 
places,  and  nebber  got  it  in  shape  agin.  Dere  am  no  noein 
zackly  how  dese  fellers  all  git  dere  backs  broke  in  dis  way, 
but  I  'spect  its  done  in  dere  'tempts  to  git  fru  de  eye  ob  a 
needle.  He  looked  in  de  face  as  if  he  fretted  a  good  deal 
'bout  it.  He  looked  almost  broken-hearted,  and  stood 
chawin  on  his  troubbles.  He  was  tied  wid  a  rope  to  a  post, 
and  he  had  tryde  to  git  away  till  he  had  stretched  his  neck 
as  long  as  a  president's  message.  I  nebber  seed  a  Camel  in 
his  youth ;  dey  all  seem  at  least  a  hundred  years  old  afore  I 
see  'em,  derefore  I  cant  say  much  for  de  beauty  ob  dere 
countenance.  While  I  was  lookin  in  at  him,  and  wonderin 
where  human  nature  cood  hab  got  de  mould  to  run  sich  a 
feller  in,  a  whole  lot  ob  French  gemmon  come  out  ob  de 
show  shop  into  de  place  whar  I  was  a  lookin,  on  boss-back. 
Dey  war  dressed  up  rale  putty  in  jockey  caps  and  red  and 
yeller  coats  and  trowsers,  and  dey  war  berry  polite  to  one 
a  nudder,  a  bowin  der  heds  and  jabbern  French  like  Satan, 
talkin  'bout  Louis  Nincompoop  or  Xapolion,  I  dont  noe 
which.  Presently  one  ob  dem  seed  me  a  lookin  at  him  froo 
de  crack,  and  I  friteend  him  so  he  screemed  like  a  pig  wid  a 
sore  foot,  and  showed  his  beef  all  round.  Dis  fact  drew  de 
'tention  ob  de  man  dat  was  tending  to  de  critters,  and  he 
sung  out  to  me,  "  Clar  out,  you  ole  darkey,  and  let  dem 
Monkeys  alone.  He  gub  me  sich  a  strong  inwite  to  lebe, 
dat  I  tort  it  best  to  muzzle.  Just  as  I  turned  to  go,  dey 
let  out  some  ob  de  funnyest  Gooses  I  ebber  seed — dey  was 
histed  on  legs  dat  wood  make  a  Broadway  dandy  break  his 
heart  wid  envy,  during  de  rage  ob  tight  pants.  Dey  stepcd 


JULEOUS'   IDIA   OF   THE   HIPPODROME.  213 

out  as  graceful  as  an  old  cogger  wid  de  gout  on  all  his  toes 
and  de  rumaticks  in  he  'nees.  Dey  was  sich  high-falutin 
fellers  dat  I  ax  a  man  dat  come  out  ob  de  gate,  what  dey 
was  named,  and  he  told  me  Oyster  horses.  I  speek  de  rea- 
sion  dat  dey  call  dem  dat,  am  bekase  dey  use  dem  to  tred  in 
high  water  to  sound  de  bottom  for  Oysters.  I  cant  tink  ob 
enny  udder  reason.  Seein  dat  de  man  was  so  comunicatif,  I 
ax  him  if  de  ole  he  big  Hippodrome  was  in  dar  now.  He 
sed  yes,  and  dat  ebbery  time  de  ferry  bell  ring  he  started 
on  a  race  wid  some  kind  ob  animale,  edder  de  Elemfint,  de 
Camel,  de  Charriots,  or  some  odder  critter.  I  ax  him  what 
dey  fed  him  on,  and  he  sed,  Silver  dollar  bills,  half  dollars, 
and  quarter  dollars,  and  dey  feed  him  twice  a  day  ;  in  de 
arternoon  and  in  de  ebenin.  Dats  all  I  hab  found  out  'bout 
de  Hippodrome  as  yet.  If  I  find  out  enny  more  I'll  let  you 
noe.  I'm  bound  to  see  him,  if  I  hab  to  whitewash  my  face 
and  hands  and  play  wite  man,  to  git  in. 

Dem  summer  clofe  what  I  specked  lass  week  didn't  come 
yet,  but  I  spose  you  tink  dese  I  got  bein  full  ob  holes,  am 
cool  nuff,  kase  dey  am  open  worked.  I  shall  speck  new 
thin  clofes  notwithstandin  nebber  de  less. 

Will  Brudder  Dove  Plimkins  please  pass  de  useal  sasser 
round,  and  be  kerefull  to  give  back  no  change.  De  brudder 
dat  put  de  tin  sixpence  in  lass  week,  will  find  it  a  waitin  to 
be  redeemd  by  a  good  one  on  de  corner  ob  my  nostrum. 


12* 


2T4  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  LXXXIV. 

SUMMER    MORNING   MUSINGS. 
BRUDDEREN — 

MILK-WARM  spring,  wid  all  its  strugglin  buds  and 
newly  leabed  trees,  hab  gone  on  its  journey  round  the 
world  to  coax  open  de  icy  jaws  ob  old  wite  bearded  winter 
in  odder  parts,  and  Miss  June,  wid  big  blue  eyes  and  flower 
clustered  bed,  hab  cum  along  as  smiling  as  a  young  school 
boy  wid  free  bright  cents,  on  de  way  to  de  kake  shop. 
Moss  ob  de  trees  dat  blush  in  red  and  scarlet  at  de  depar 
ture  ob  May,  hab  thrown  off  dere  gay  and  blushin  blossoms, 
and  seem  to  hab  set  to  work  in  still  arnist  to  see  what  dey 
can  do  fur  us  poor  dependant  mortals  by  harbest  time.  De 
peach,  de  plumb,  de  squince,  and  de  apple  trees,  are  all  run- 
nin  a  race  dis  yeer  to  see  who  will  produce  de  moss  fruit, 
and  it  am  hard  to  tell  yet,  which  will  beat.  De  cherries  hab 
got  ahead  ob  demseffs,  in  tryin  to  cotch  up  to  de  strawber 
ries,  and  de  currants  and  gooseberries  am  full  tilt  after  dem 
too.  De  Roses  am  almost  gone — dey  seem  to  hab  expend 
ed  all  their  strenf  in  tryin  to  perfume  de  air  ;  dey  hab  becum 
so  week  dat  dey  drop  as  soon  as  you  'tempt  to  gedder  dem 
off  de  bush  like  a  lub-sick  maiden  in  her  lubber's  arms.  De 
violets  coodent  stand  de  warm  embraces  ob  de  June  sun,  and 
dey  shrunk  from  it  like  a  torn  cat  frum  a  pot  ob  mustard. 
De  enamoured  kisses  ob  de  warm  sun  hab  cracked  de  red 
and  wite  cheeks  ob  de  peonys  and  dey  look  as  lubly  as  a 


SUMMER   MORNING   MUSINGS.  275 

bride  at  cle  altar,  and  by  dere  side  stands  de  Jonny-jumper 
in  velvet  caps,  tryin  to  swell  up  as  big  as  de  peony,  which 
makes  de  butter-cups  laugh  at  its  presumpshun — and  de 
clober  hab  to  hang  its  red  hed  in  shame.  Ef  I  was  a  clober 
top,  in  a  field  ob  roseys,  I'd  neber  hang  my  hed,  kase  I'd 
feel  dat  I  wus  as  useful  and  as  good  as  my  neighbors,  ef  not 
as  brilliant.  •>  It  am  not  always  de  moss  bcauful  dat  am  de 
moss  useful.  It  am  good  to  feel  humble,  and  to  be  humble 
sometimes,  as  de  jackass  sed  when  he  undertook  a  race  wid 
a  stage  hoss. 

Now,  my  frens,  I  speck  you  am  all  cogitatin  in  your  own 
mind,  and  wonderin,  like  Balam's  ass,  when  he  saw  de  angel, 
how  I  cood  hab  found  out  all  de  tings  I  hab  bin  a  spokiu  to 
you  about.  Derefore,  to  sabe  your  fretted  gizzards,  I  will 
tell  you — I  seed  it  all  rnyseff.  De  odder  mornin  I  got  up 
wid  old  day-lite,  and  by  de  time  de  morning  sun  had  wash 
ed  de  faces  ob  de  clouds  and  took  off  dere  nite  caps,  so  dey 
showed  dere  golden  heds,  I  wus  in  de  kountry,  away  frum 
de  dust,  week  coffee,  and  cod-fish  kakes,  ob  de  mornin  in 
toun,  and  dere,  all  alone  wid  only  rnyseff  and  human  natur 
to  converse  wid,  I  kept  up  an  argement  on  de  beauties  ob 
dis  world  and  de  next,  and  when  I  looked  around  and  see 
how  much  human  natur  hab  done  for  dis  world  to  make  it 
lubly,  and  to  see  what  a  bountious  supply  ob  all  de  neces 
saries  and  luxuries  ob  life  he  sends  to  us  all — to  the  wicked 
and  de  good,  it  makes  me  mad  wid  mankind  to  see  dere 
stubborn  ungratefulness,  and  I  feel  dat  ef  I  wus  human 
nature,  I'd  lather  sum  ob  you  like  thunder  sumtimes.  De 
chaps  dat  kan  eat  de  delicious  strawberry,  and  tink  only 
ob  how  much  dey  am  worf  a  basket,  or  kan  crouch  doun 
de  healf-gibin  and  luscious  peach,  wid  no  odder  tort  den  dar 
price  by  de  half  peck,  am  not  fit  to  hab  sich  tings. 

I'd  like  to  lib  in  de  kountry.     I  tink  it  am  de  only  exis- 


276  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

tence  God  eber  intended  fur  man,  or  else  he  woodent  bab 
made  it  so  lubly.  Dis  congregashun  was  gwaue  to  buy  me 
a  place  to  lib  iu,  and  let  me  hab  a  parsnips  like  all  de  odder 
great  professors  ob  de  day,  but  whar  am  it  I  should  like  to 
know  ?  Ef  I  was  to  be  blessed  wid  a  home  in  dis  world,  its 
doors  shood  neber  be  closed  aginst  de  distressed  in  eder 
mind  or  body.  I  shood  be  hostile  to  a  fault.  Whateber 
Probidence  sent  me  shood  be  shared  wid  de  sufferin,  arter  I 
got  'nuff  ob  corse.  Ah  !  I  wood  be  happy  den.  I'd  hab 
my  house  surrounded  wid  a  Terapin  garden,  and  de  flowers 
dat  grow  on  de  armor  ob  my  pazaro,  shood  be  irretated  by 
de  water  ob  de  Croton  anacdote — dere  I'd  hab  a  pentatench 
openin  in  my  library,  which  shood  be  filled  wid  sich  works 
as,  Folk's  Essences  ob  Man,  Greeley's  Theological  works  on 
erective  franchise,  and  de  use  ob  stamana  on  de  milage 
quesshun — Lord  Buy-rum's  Poems,  de  Last  ob  Old  Hig- 
gins,  de  Pinter,  Ledder  Breeches,  de  Last  Days  ob  Pompy 
I,  Ducklegs,  and  odders  ob  Cedar  Cooper's  works — Lord 
Bacon  on  de  use  ob  Salt  Pork — De  mussings  ob  Gen.  Scott 
ober  a  barrel  ob  wite  beans,  and  odder  standin  books.  I 
shall  hab  degraded  walks  atwene  a  ravauue  ob  trees  for 
lemonadein  purposes.  I  hab  a  perfeck  manamonia  fur  these 
tings.  And  den  my  table — I'd  hab  de  bess  cooks  in  de 
market,  one  dat  cood  make  turtle-soup  out  ob  Cow-bay 
clams,  dat  wood  sute  de  paliate  ob  de  moss  unvenerable 
epicacs  in  de  toun,  who  shood  dine  wid  me  ebery  day.  I'd 
hab  buckskin  handled  knives  and  forks,  and  my  house  shood 
be  de  resort  ob  all  de  epicacs  and  conosaws  in  de  country. 
I'd  hab  an  open  jeruce  ef  Pd  only  a  jackass  to  draw  it,  and 
I'd  hab  odder  comforts  and  luxuries  as  long  as  de  kongre- 
gashun  will  pay  for  it. 

But  dis  am  all  burning  fluid.     I  nebber  'speck  to  hab 
enyting  ob  de  kind,  but  onde  odder  hand  quite  the  reworse. 


SUMMER   MORNING    MUSINGS.  277 

I  spec  to  labor  here  till  I  die,  and  den  be  berried  by  de 
Corporashun — but  it  will  not  be  de  fust  time  de  Common 
Scoundrells  got  up  a  blackberrian. 

As  dere  ain  only  haff  a  quire  here  dis  ebenin,  you  may 
sing  de  following  to  de  tune  ob  Old  Hunter,  and  you  muss 
all  go  in  to  swell  it,  as  de  old  woman  sed  when  she  put  de 
soaked  dried  apples  in  de  pie-crust — 

Our  old  Tom  cat 

Hab  got  so  fat, 

She  can't  cotch  any  mice, 

Our  fine  toof-comb, 

Hab  gone  frum  home. 

We're  ober  run  wid  fureigners 

Brudder  Profile  Jarvis  will  pleese  pass  'round  de  sasser, 
and  look  out  fur  counterfi-t  gold  dollars.  Sum  nigger  tort 
he  done  suinfin  lass  week  when  he  yaller-washed  a  free  cent 
piece,  and  pertended  he  put  in  a  gold  dollar. 


278  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  LXXXV. 

LYING. 

AUDACIOUS  SCORPIANS — 

I  WISH  to  hab  a  wurd  to  say  to  you  'bout  a  mity 
bad  habit  dat  am  bery  prebelent  'mong  de  wite  folks,  and 
I'ze  radder  afeerd  dat  sum  ob  de  colored  pepil  hab  kotched 
it  frum  dem  by  bein  in  close  contack  wid  dem.  De  habit 
I  'lude  to  am  de  practice  ob 

L  I  E  I  N. 

Sum  folks  am  born  liars,  odders  pick  it  up  in  dere  youth, 
like  a  hungry  chicken  does  corn — odders  agin  lie  in  de  way 
ob  bizness,  when  ennyting  am  to  be  made  by  it — odders  lie 
to  try  to  make  dem  'pear  big  in  de  eyes  ob  men,  and  odders 
lie  bekase  dey  kan't  help  it..  Dere  .am  sebril  kinds- ob  lies 
— de  wite  lies  used  by  clergymen,  earthly  saints,  and  ladies 
— black  lies,  round  lies — and  den  dere's  a  kind  wat  Shake 
speare  calls  damned  lies.  Sum  folks  tink  dat  de  rounder  dey 
kan  lie  de  smarter  dey  am,  but  dey'll  git  smartered  wors 
den  mustard  plaster  on  a  weak  back,  when  old  belzebub 
gits  dem. 

Amature  fishermen  and  gunners,  indulge  in  de  second 
class  ob  lies  bery  much.  I  iieber  node  one  yet  dat  dident 
cotch  "  de  biggest  fish  you  eber  saw  in  your  life,  and  more 
ob  dem,"  in  haff  a  day — and  whoeber  herd  ob  an  amature 
sportsman  dat  dident  kill  from  fibe  to  fifty  on  de  wing  at 
one  shot  ?  I  neber  did. 

A  man  afflicted  wid  constitoshuaal  liein  wood  as  lief  liike 


LYING.  279 

epicure  'nuff  to  make  dem  trow  up  a  good  dinner,  as  speek 
de  truff.  Deres  noffin  dat  hurts  dere  feelins  so  much,  and 
ef  de  truff  slips  out  by  axedent  on  enyting,  dey  am  misera 
ble  all  day. 

De  darkeys  hab  a  great  fashuu  ob  liein  'bout  porgies  and 
eels — ef  you  meet  one  haff  a  block  frum  de  market,  you 
kan't  tell  no  more  what  dey  gub  for  dere  fish,  frum  de  sto 
ries  dey  tell,  den  a  foolosefer  kan  tell  which  way  de  grain 
ob  a  brick-bat  runs  wid  his  eyes  shut.  Dem  darkeys  dat 
wish  to  'pear  rich,  always  pay  an  orful  price,  while  dem  fel 
lers  what  want  to  git  up  a  reputashun  for  bein  cute  and 
smart,  always  git  them  fur  'bout  noffin. 

I  noe  dat  de  wite  populashun  teach  de  kolored  pepil  to 
lie  and  steel,  and  dey  get  putty  good  pupils  mind  I  tell  you. 
I  will  gis  narronate  what  I  oberheard  atwene  two  colored 
men  todder  mornin  in  Broadway,  to  show  you  how  near  de 
darkeys  hab  got  to  liein. 

I  wus  saunterin  along,  tryin  to  make  out  what  kind  ob 
sole  ledder  de  beef-steak  was  made  ob,  dat  I  had  fur  break 
fast,  when  I  spied  a  dandy  darkey  all  dressed  up  like  a 
tailor-shop  window.  He  had  on  dem  new  kind  ob  trowsers 
wid  railroads  a  runnin  all  ober  dem — and  sick  a  no-tailed 
coat  and  ruffle  shirt,  wite  kids  and  as  hansome  a  pair  ob 
moustachers  as  eber  a  buck  goat  cood  boast  ob.  I  wus  a 
takin  his  mesure  in  my  hed,  and  seein  him  strut,  like  a  tur 
key  wid  de  rumatism,  when  I  seed  a  common  lookin  darkey 
i  r.  a  check  shirt  and  trowsers,  look  at  him,  strike  an  attitude 
like  de  actor  do  when  dere  brudder  cums  home  in  de  play, 
slap  his  hans  togedder,  and  sing  out — "  No,  it  ain't  !  kan  it 
be  puzable — yes,  it  am,"  and  he  rushes  up  to  de  dandy  fel 
ler,  and  grabbed  his  hand. 

"  Why,  Simon,  am  dis  you — when  did  you  'ribe  ?"  sed  he, 
shakin  de  wite  kid  all  de  tune. 


280  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

De  dandy  wus  'tonished  and  told  him  to  be  off,  dat  he 
dident  noe  a  colored  man  in  de  United  State's — and  den  he 
went  on  to  say  dat  he  wus  frum  England,  and  had  cum  ober 
vvid  his  wite  wife  to  see  de  Crystal  Palace  show,  and  had 
only  bin  here  free  days. 

"  I  nose  you  bin  dare  awaitin  in  a  Lord's  family,"  sed  de 
kommon  man,  "  but  I  node  you  afore  you  went  to  London. 
You  went  as  cook  'bord  de  '  Sally  Ann' — my  name  am  Sam 
Hossneck,  yours  wus  Simon  Clurnsou  afore  you  went  away 
— what's  your  name  now  ?" 

"Well,  I  see  you  noe  me,"  returned  de  odder.  "How 
you  bin,  Sam  ?  Dey  call  me  at  home  Lord  Fondling,  arter 
de  family  I  lib  wid." 

"  Well,"  sed  de  check  shirt,  "  how  does  you  like  de  koun- 
try,  now  you  got  back  ?" 

"  Oh,  I  don't  like  it  at  all.  Dere  ain't  nofin  heah  like 
we  hab  at  home — nofin  on  so  big,  nor  on  so  grand  a  scale." 

"  Hab  you  seen  what  four  thunderin  big  round  harts  you 
kan  git  now  for  a  cent — what  a  quart  ob  clam-soup  fur  six 
pence,  and  what  smackin  big  glasses  ob  I  scream  fur  free 
cents,  enywhere  'boat  de  'treets.  Nofin  on  a  grand  scale, 
eh  ?  Well,  I  like  dat,  putty  much,"  interrupted  Sam. 

"  Yes,  ebery  ting  heah  am  cheap  and  nasty — nofin  as  de 
fined.  You  all  need  polish.  You  ain't  got  no  parks,  nor  no 
statuary  worf  menshuning,  and  den  your  sogers,  I  seed  dem 
4th  ob  July,  and  seed  dere  little  foo-foo  cannons.  Oh, 
Sam,  ef  you  want  to  see  sogerin,  you  muss  cum  to  London. 
Dey  ain't  got  a  cannon  as  little  as  de  Yankees,  in  de  hole 
free  kingdoms." 

"  How  big  am' London  ?"  axed  Sam. 

"'Bout  four  hundred  times  bigger  dan  New  York.  And 
Sam,  dey  got  a  kannon  dere  dat  Daddy  Lambert  cood  crawl 
in,  and  turn  round  and  cum  out  agin." 


LYING.  281 

"  Dat's  a  putty  big  gun,"  sed  Sam,  "  but  you  ain't  got 
no  clams  dar,  nor  no  watermillions,  no  mushmillions,  no  oys 
ters  fit  to  feed  pigs  on,  no  hot-corn,  nor  none  ob  de  odder 
luxuries,  and  besides,  dere  am  a  big  gun  at  de  Battery 
now  twice  as  big  as  yours." — Sam's  patriotism  wus  risin. 

"  How  big  is  de  kannon  on  de  Battery  ?"  axed  de  Dandy. 

"  Well,  it  is  so  mity  big,  dat  it  takes  a  yoke  ob  oxen  to 
draw  de  ball  in,"  sed  Sam  gis  as  ef  he  wus  tellin  de  truff — 
but  his  friend  seemed  to  dont  it,  and  tinking  to  kotch  Sam 
on  de  hip,  asked  him — 

"  Ef  it  takes  a  yoke  ob  oxen  to  draw  de  ball  in,  how 
does  de  oxen  git  out  ob  de  gun  agin,  eh,  Sam  ?" 

"  Oh,  you  want  to  noe  how  dey  git  out  ?"  axed  Sam,  a 
little  puzzled.  "  Well,  I'll  tell  you — dey  go  out  at  de  touch 
Me." 

"  Well,  Sam  I  gub  in — cum  and  see  me  at  No.  —  Eliza 
beth  street,"  and  so  they  seperated. 

Now  which  wus  de  biggest  lier  ?    I'll  tell  you — boff. 

My  frens,  it  may  be  konsidered  smart  to  lie,  but  I  won't 
hab  none  ob  it  round  me.  De  firs  brudder  or  sister  dat  I 
kotch  at  it,  I'll  fine  dem  two  shillins  to  pay  for  my  'backer 
bill  at  de  seller,  and  I'll  bet  dat  bill  will  be  paid  in  less  den 
tree  days. 

Brudder  Trufful  Danty  will  ulease  take  uo  de  kolleckshun 
in  de  old  sasser  dis  ebenin. 


202  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

LECTURE  LXXXVI. 

LABOR  IN  VAIN. 

BELUBED  FLOCK — 

You  am  de  sheeps  and  I  am  de  sheperd,  derefore 
dats  settled.  Bery  well,  ef  so  be  dat  I  am  de  shep 
erd,  wats  de  reson  you  poor  poluted  sinners,  dat  you 
won't  do  as  I  tell  you  ?  When  I  tell  you  to  be  good 
and  charitable,  and  pint  out  de  paff  you  muss  all  take, 
if  you  ever  'speck  to  be  happy,  you  turn  your  ugly 
mugs  up  in  my  face,  and  tell  me  dat  I  arn't  as  good  as  I 
ort  to  be  myseff,  as  if  dat  had  ennyting  to  do  wid  you.  You 
don't  pay  me  fur  actin  good  all  de  week.  Provedeuce  pays 
me  fur  dat.  You  pay  me  fur  'lighten  your  understaudins, 
and  holdiu  up  de  lite  ob  siance  and  human  knowledge,  and 
pintin  out  de  paff  and  de  way  to  happiness.  Wat  difference 
does  it  make  to  you,  you  ungrateful  scamps,  who  holds  de 
lite,  so  long  as  you  am  able  to  see  de  rite  paff.  But  fur  all 
I  keep  my  arms  stretched  out,  a  showin  you  de  rode  till  I  is 
wearied  and  almost  reddy  to  gub  up  de  job,  still  none  ob 
you  will  make  de  fust  foot-print  on  de  rode,  but  stop  at  de 
bery  commencement,  and  won't  open  de  gate  till  dey  see 
what  kind  a  feller  it  am  dat'hold  up  de  lite,  so  you  may  find 
it  easy.  Dere  am  but  de  one  rode.  De  Medodiffs  will  tell 
you  its  de  dark  narrow  and  crooked  rode.  De  Prespeteri- 
ans  will  tell  you  its  de  same — so  will  de  Episcopaleous,  de 
Baptists,  de  Dutch  Reformed,  and  all  tie  rest  ob  dem.  Dere 
am  no  odder  rode,  but  not  one  ob  you  will  budge  an  inch. 
Dey  all  agree  on  de  one  rode,  but  dey  aiut  sassagefied  wid 


LABOR   IN   VAIN.  283 

de  way  de  different  denominations  hold  up  ne  lite.  De  Med- 
odiffs  ain't  got  confidence  in  de  lite  ob  de  Prespeterean, 
and  de  Prespeterean  ain't  got  no  confidence  in  de  lite  ob  de 
rest,  de  rest  ain't  got  no  confidence  in  de  odders,  and  so  dey 
am  at  loger  beds  all  de  time,  all  'round. 

Now  I  tell  you  once  fur  all,  you  muss  do  as  I  tell  you. 
Do  as  I  say,  not  as  I  do,  or  I'll  beat  goodness  into  you  wid 
a  birch  sapliu. 

I  wus  axed  de  odder  day  while  standin  on  de  "  seller 
door,"  why  I  was  not  more  piously  inclined,  and  why 
I  dident  talk  piety  into  you  fellers.  Well,  de  hint 
wus  new,  but  I  node  I  mout  as  well  talk  piety  to 
you  as  to  try  to  persuade  a  hog  to  turn  from  he  swill. 
And  I  raly  belebe  dat  a  -  hungry  hog  wood  turn  as 
quick  frum  a  well  filled  troff  as  a  hardened  sinner  wood 
turn  frnin  his  sins,  or  an  old  toper  from  his  rum.  Howsum- 
deber,  I  'eluded  to  try  it,  so  I  called  'pou  old  Anty  Bensin, 
on  de  way  home,  and  when  got  seated,  wid  de  usual  flour 
ishes,  I  axed  her  dis — 

"  Anty,"  says  I,  "does  you  eber  feel  piously  inclined  ?" 

"  Eh  !"  sed  she. 

I  repeted  de  quesshun. 

"  Oh,  yes,"  sed  she,  "  speshely  in  time  ob  cherry  pie — 
dems  my  favorite  pies." 

I  tryed  to  'splain  de  difference  to  her,  but  it  was  no  use. 
I  mout  as  well  hab  tryed  to  blowed  de  Latting  Observatory 
ober  wid  a  pair  ob  bellowses.  And  what  more  do  you  noe 
'bout  it  den  Anty  Bensin  ?  Why  not  a  bit.  You  cum  here, 
and  yon  go  to  church,  and  all  de  while  you  am  settin  a  stud- 
ian  ebbery  ting  else  but  religion.  Ef  dere  am  a  new  ribel 
at  your  hotel,  den  you  waiters  study  how  to  git  money  out 
ob  him.  Am  dere  a  fresh  lode  ob  clams  cum  to  de  dock, 
den  you  clam  merchants  am  studyin  how  you  kan  cheat  de 


284  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

oner  out  ob  sixpence  on  de  bushel.  De  wite  trash  am  gis 
like  you,  dey  go  to  church  more  to  show  dere  fine  close,  and 
to  study  how  dey  kan  make  a  big  lick  in  de  way  ob  trade 
frn  de  week,  den  to  larn  piety.  But  den,  such  am  human 
i/atur,  and  it  neber  will  be  altered  till  Victora  gits  anudder 
baby,  or  old  Cowshute  comes  agin. 

Will  Brudder  Lee  I.  Cole  pass  de  usual  sasser  round  dis 
ebenin  ?    Take  nofin  but  city  money,  pennies  and  all.  ' 


LECTURE  LXXXYII. 

HYPOCRACY  REBUKED. 

PRODIGIOUS  PROSALITES — 

IN  my  epic  lass  week,  I  luded  to  de  fac  dat  moss  ob 
you  cum  here  more  fur  de  purpose  ob  showin  off  your  good 
close  den  ob  hearin  de  wurd  ob  your  old  and  long  suspected 
shepherd.  In  makin  dem  delushuns,  I  dident  go  fur  to 
tread  on  nobody's  corns  in  particular,  but  I  ment  it  as  a 
gineral  ting  to  ply  to  eberybody,  and  to  nobody,  like  sum 
sarmons  I  hab  herd  frum  de  pulpit.  Derefore,  I  kan't  see, 
fur  de  life  ob  me,  how  Long  Cudjo  cood  take  defence  at  my 
remarks,  and  ax  me  how  I  wanted  folks  to  set  at  my  lec 
tures,  and  how  I  wanted  them  to  dress,  &c.,  which  he  did 
lass  lectur  nite,  on  my  way  home  to  my  wartus  bed.  He 
dident  say  it  in  a  humble  way,  as  ef  he  wished  to  noe,  but 
he  sed  it  in  a  sourcastic  manner,  as  ef  what  I  had  sed  in  de 
rostrum  had  cut  his  corns  to  de  quick,  and  laid  heavy  on  he 
constitushun,  or  stomjack,  I  don't  noe  which.  Dere  may  be 
odders  here  like  Cudjo,  who  felt  a  radder  close  shabe,  and 


HYPOCRISY    REBUKED.  285 

derefore  I  will  tell  you  what  I  want,  and  what  I  don't  want. 
In  de  fuss  place,  I  don't  want  no  hipocrits  'mong  you,  no 
how.  What's  dat  Sister  Filander  Meeker  axes  !  "  Am 
hipocrits  en  ny ting  to  do  wid  de  Hippodrome  ?'•'  Ob  corse 
not;  Sister,  I  blush  as  much  as  I  can  at  your  ignumrance. 
You  muss  hab  been  edicated  afore  de  free  skools  war  in 
existence,  like  myseff.  I  will  'splain.  Hipockracy  and  nig- 
garism  am  de  one  and  de  same  ting.  Its  deceit,  cut  up  into 
two  words  fur  de  use  ob  spelin  books. 

I  don't  want  you  to  cum  here  wid  a  face  on  you  as  long  as 
a  tar  barrel,  wid  your,  eyes  cast  doun  like  a  feller  in  debt  fur 
his  bord — and  when  you  cum  in,  I  don't  want  you  take  your 
seats  as  ef  you  whar  a  hen  a  gwine  to  set  on  eggs,  and  den 
git  your  hands  dufftailed  in  one  anudder,  and  set  your  thumbs 
agoin,  one  ober  de  odder,  like  an  agitated  water  wheel,  and 
den  pretend  to  be  too  good  fur  dis  world,  and  seem  to  be 
only  a  waitin  to  go  off  to  de  nex  as  soon  as  de  angel  Ga- 
brell  am  reddy  fur  you.  Dats  de  way  sum  ob  you  black 
scorpians  try  to  humbug  me  into  de  belief  dat  you  hab 
'proached  sainthood.  I  hate  all  dis!  Wheji  you  cum  here 
I  want  you  cum  in  clean  close.  I  don't  car  how  poor  your 
close  am,  as  long  as  dey  am  clean.  Dere  am  an  excuse  fur 
poverty,  but  none  fur  dirt.  Blessed  be  de  Croton  !  And 
when  you  cum,  bring  wid  you  a  smilin  face,  and  as  much 
small  change  as  is  conwenient.  Cum  in  as  ef  you  war  glad 
to  git  whar  de  wurds  ob  truff  am  spoken,  and  not  sneeke  in 
as  ef  you  war  doin  penence  fur  sum  great  sin  kommitted. 
Set  doun  in  your  seats  as  ef  you  had  a  rite  to  dem.  Open 
your  ears  and  mouff,  and  swaller  all  you  hear.  Den  you 
will  go  away  full  ob  nolege,  lighter  ob  heart,  and  pocket, 
ef  you  ain't  too  stingy  to  chip  nofin  in  de  time  honored 
sassar.  Sum  pepil  tink  dat  as  long  as  dey  go  to  church 
twice  on  a  Sunday,  and  twice  a  Sunday  nite,  dat  dey  am  on 


286  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

de  sure  rode  to  heben,  no  matter  wedder  dey  hear  or  follow 
de  prescripshuns  laid  doun  by  de  minister  or  no  ;  but  data 
all  rong — when  you  go  to  church,  swallow  all  you  hear  till 
you  am  full  ob  ortherdockcy.  Sumtimes  I  see  it  am  dry- 
docksy,  but  what  ob  dat  ?  you  pay  your  money,  and  you  hab 
de  rite  to  get  all  you  can  fur  it. 

Fifthly — Ef  you  don't  larn  now  you  iieber  will. 

Ninthly — While  on  dis  subjick,  I  will  say  a  few  tings  dat 
I  wood  like  to  be  henceforward  herearter  obsarbed  in  dis 
kongregashun. 

Fustly,  den — I  wood  like  in  future  futurity  dat  Miss 
Clementina  Lacilia  Lumpy  and  her  bow,  Mister  Romelus 
Bolona  Erington  wood  do  dere  courtin  at  home.  It  sets  a 
mity  bad  'zample  'pon  de  'fecshuns  ob  de  young — and  eben 
me,  as  old  as  I  am,  feel  de  'fluence  ob  de  'zample  in  de  moss 
flutanorous  manner.  Besides,  wid  de  gebomater  as  high 
as  it  am  in  dis  room,  I  shood  tink  dey  mite  stop  a  slunkiu 
up  to  each  odder  like  a  litter  ob  pigs  on  a  frosty  mornin. 
I  tink  sich  conduck  am  oderiferous  in  the  'xtreme  in  a  public 
ass-einblage.  Apudder  ting — I  tink  dat  nussin  babys  had 
better  be  luft  at  home.  I  don't  like  to  lectur  to  suckers. 
Aldo  I  go  toof  and  nail  agin  de  use  ob  de  bottle — still,  in 
dis  case,  I  uphold  its  use  at  home,  and  so  ort  ebery  odder 
mudder  in  de  land — but  don't  put  no  paddygodic,  nor  essence 
ob  peppermint,  nor  warm  gin  in  it.  Wid  dese  reflecshuus,  I 
"  dry  up  "  dis  ebenin. 

De  darkey  dat  laffed  out  during  my  lass  lectur,  was  fined 
a  shillin,  and  I  laid  it  all  out  in  'bacco. 

Will  Brudder  Duturonemy  Butts  pass  'round  de  sasser, 
and  mark  dem  fellers  dat  cum  de  tree  cent  piece  dodge. 


PROFESSOR    HANNIBAL    SPIRITED    AWAY.  287 


NO  LECTURE  THIS  WEEK. 

PROFESSOR   HANNIBAL    SPIRITED    AWAY. 

tlis  congregation  in  great  trouble  and  confusion — a  large  re 
ward  offered  for  his  recovery — supposed  kidnapping  case — 
RE  ADI  READ!!  READ!!! 

LAST  night,  as  usual,  we  went  to  hear  the  scientific 
teaching  of  the  learned  and  distinguished  Professor  Han 
nibal,  and  give  our  readers  a  full  and  authentic  report,  as 
we  have  done  for  the  last  three  years,  of  all  that  was  said 
and  done  on  each  "  'portant  'caishun."  When  we  arrived, 
the  hall  was  full  in  every  seat,  and  it  was  then  time  for  the 
arrival  of  the  Professor.  There  stood  the  glass  of  fresh 
water  on  the  desk;  the  lamps  and  candles  all  burned  with 
unusual  brilliancy,  but  all  was  still  as  a  country  church 
yard.  Time  flew  on,  but  no  Professor  came.  The  hand- 
organ  struck  up  a  lively  tune,  accompanied  by  every  foot  in 
the  crowd,  and  still  no  Hannibal  came.  Nine  o'clock 
struck,  and  then  the  congregation  became  alarmed.  Where 
can  he  be  ?  ran  from  lip  to  lip,  with  the  rapidity  of  lightning, 
and  black  looks  were  interchanged  as  one  suspected  the 
other  of  knowing  all  about  the  matter. 

Presently,  "  Brother  Erastus  Arlington  James  Madison 
Cowsnout,"  ascended  the  desk,  and  thus  addressed  the 
listeners — 

BRTJDDERN  AND  SISTERS — 

It  am  a  clar  case,  I  is  afraid,  dat  our  belubed  shep 
herd  hab  strayed  frum  he  flock.     He  am  clard  out,  gone 


288  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

'way,  absquatulated  mizzled,  or  bin  stolen.  Twenty  minutes 
arter  it  was  time  fur  him  to  be  here  at  he  post,  I  went,  me 
myseff,  to  Anty  Clawson's,  whar  you  all  know  he  bords,  to 
see  ef  he  wasent  sick  or  sumfin,  and  dar  I  larned  de  sad 
tidins  dat  he  dressed  heseff  up  dis  mornin,  and  went  out, 
and  hadent  heen  seen  sence.  He  has,  so  Anty  sez.  bin 
laborin  under  an  abreviashun  ob  mind  lately,  and  only  yis- 
terday  he  bought  a  shanghie  rooster,  as  a  pet,  and  wanted 
to  get  a  monkey  to  see  ef  he  coodent  larn  it  sciauce.  Dere 
am  no  noein  whar  he  am  gone  to,  or  wedder  he  went  ob  his 
own  accord,  or  wedder  he  wus  inticed  away  by  some  under 
ground  rale-rode  feller,  and  karried  off  to  sum  odder 
kountry. 

'  Fellow  citizens,  Professor  Hannibal  am  de  lass  man  dat 
we  kan  'ford  to  lose  frum  de  ranks  ob  siance,  and  I  nose  he 
lubed  his  flock  too  well  to  go  off  frum  dem  ob  he  own  free 
will.  He  cood  a  done  dat  long  ago,  fur  I  herd  old  Ben 
Longlip  tell  him  myseff  dat  ef  he'd  cum  to  Long  Hand, 
folks  dar  wood  bild  him  a  log  hut  all  to  heseff,  and  gib  him 
more  wages  den  he  gits  heah — and  besides  dat,  he  promised 
dat,  he  shood  hab  a  hoss  and  cart,  so  he  cood  peddle 
clams  all  de  week,  and  make  a  little  sumfin  dat  way,  but 
he  defused  it  all,  and  sed  he  wus  done  buildin  castles  in 
de  air.  Snmfin  ort  to  be  done  to  recober  him,  or  git 
dameges  frum  sumbody. 

Here  a  fat  darkey  arose,  and  begged  the  privilege  of 
speaking.  It  was  granted.  He  mounted  the  desk  and 
said — 

HANABELONIANS — 

I  tink  dis  meetin  ort  to  take  sum  axion  on  dis  bereave 
ment,  and  offer  a  reward  fur  his  discovery.  I  hab  drawed 
up  a  few  revolushuns,  which  ort  to  be  published  in  de  noose- 


PROFESSOR   HANNIBAL    SPIRITED    AWAY.  289 

papers.  I  will  read  dem.  I  neber  had  much  edificashun, 
derefore  you  musent  'spect  much — 

1st — Resolbed,  dat  Professor  Hannibal  hab  clard  out. 

2nd — Resolbed,  dat  dis  kongregashun  feels  mity  bad 
'bout  it. 

3d — Resolbed,  dat  dis  kongregashun  will  pay  to  enybody 
who  will  bring  him  back  alive,  fibe  dollars  all  at  one 
time. 

4th — Resolbed,  dat  as  he  had  got  a  rooster  only  de  day 
afore  he  luft,  frum  sum  ounone  pussin,  it  am  feared  dat  sum 
kind  ob  foul  play  hab  bin  agoin  on.  Derefore,  two  dollars 
will  be  paid  ef  he  am  not  alive. 

5th — Resolbed,  dat  a  kommittee  ob  twenty  be  'pinted  to 
search  'bout  de  markets  aild  in  all  odder  places  whar  he  am 
-likely  to  go.  Also,  round  de  Cristile  Palace  and  sich  places 
whar  a  thirst  fur  nolege  am  likely  to  take  him. 

6th — Resolbed,  dat  we  console  wid  one  anudder  till  we 
hear  frum  him  in  pussin,  and  dat  we  go  in  black  till  he 
ribes. 

DISCRIPTION. 

Professor  Hannibal  is  about  fifty  years  ob  old,  fibe  foot 
ten  inches  high,  full  bosomed  across  de  brest.  His  har  am 
wite,  and  he  nose  radder  flat — large  ginerous  mouff,  in 
which  will  be  found  a  cud  ob  tpbacker.  He  had  on  when 
he  went  away,  a  kane  wid  an  ivory  top,  a  pair  ob  green 
specks,  a  ruffled  shirt  wid  a  stud  in  he  bosum,  a  wite  west, 
gray  trousers,  and  a  black  cote,  wid  de  buttons  in  de  usual 
place.  He  stoops  a  little  when  he  holds  he  head  doun,  and 
is  bery  fond  ob  takin  to  heseff  and  little  children  as  he  walks 
'long — and  aldo  he  neber  'specks  to  be  President  ob  de 
United  States,  he  has  ginerally  his  pockets  full  ob  kandies, 

13 


290  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

which  he  gubs  away  to  de  little  deahs,  whareber  he  sees  dem. 
Whoeber  will  return  de  said  Professor  to  Anty  Clawsou's 
seller,  shall  receibe  de  above  reward. 

Signed  by  de  Kommittee. 

THEOPHADIS  GOUGH  LDTTS. 

GEORGE  WASHINGTON,  B.  R.  S. 

LAFAYETTE  LIMPOFF 

WALLACE  PEPERS. 

THOMAS  JEFFERSON  MARK  ANTHONY 

NAPOLEON  BANKS. 
JIM  CUDJO. 
DAVE  RAMSBOTTOM. 
SAM  PADLOCK. 
URIAH  KNOTHED,  AND  SEBREL  ODDERS. 

1th — Resolbed,  dat  de  kolleckshun  dis  ebenin  go  fur  to 
'fray  de  'xpenses  ob  putting  dese  rebolushuns  in  de 
Picayune. 


ADVENTURE    AT   THE    CRYSTAL    PALACE.  291 


LECTURE  LXXXVIII. 

ADVENTURE   AT  THE   CRYSTAL   PALACE. 

(The  Professor  Goughed.) 

MY  DEAH  FRENS  : 

I  is  as  happy  as  a  jackass  ober  a  tub  ob  oats  to  find 
you  all  heah  again,  and  me  in  de  middle  ob  de  midst  ob  you 
all.  I  is  sorry  dat  such  circumstances  perwented  me  from 
lecturin  lass  week,  and  I  is  also  likewise  glad  to  find  dat  you 
tort  so  much  ob  your  poor  old  shepard  as  to  offer  Jibe  dol 
lars  for  his  discovery  when  you  tort  I  had  met  wid  some  ob 
dem  Spirit-mediums,  and  had  been  spirited  away.  I  is  mity 
sorry  dat  I  fooled  de  congregation  by  not  bein  able  to  'pear 
afore  dem  on  dat  August — no,  it  was  not  an  August,  it  was 
a  July  accusion  ;  and  I  know  dat  a  'pology  am  'spected 
frurn  me,  derefore  I  will  splain  de  reason  dat  I  was  absent, 
and  to  sum  up  de  hole  truff  ob  de  matter,  I  tell  you  plain 
as  possible.  I  hab  been  Goughed  in  de  most  drefful  manner. 
I'll  tell  you  all  'bout  it,  den  you  will  be  as  wise  as  me  on 
dat  subjec. 

On  de  mornin  in  quesshun,  I  dress  myseff  in  all  I  had, 
determined  to  see  de  Cristile  Palace,  and  so  I  set  out  for 
purpose.  On  my  arribal  at  de  door,  de  man  dar,  wid  a  star  on 
de  cote,  was  not  a  gwane  to  luff  me  in.  I  told  him,  it  was 
necessary  for  de  good  ob  de  community  dat  I  should  see  de 
show,  to  tell  my  congregation  'bout  it ;  den  he  ask  me  who 
I  was,  and  when  I  told  him  my  name,  de  door  was  at  once 
opened,  de  eogerin  police  opened  on  both  sides  ob  de  gang 


292  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

plank,  an  in  I  walked  as  proud  as  de  hen  at  de  head  ob  her 
brood  ob  one  chicken.  When  I  got  in  dar,  I  was  aston 
ished  and  putrefied  at  de  sights  I  seed.  On  one  side  was  a 
row  ob  Wenis  ob  Medicens,  and  on  de  odder,  a  row  ob 
Apollo  Belwedero  in  a  state  ob  nakedness  dat  I  tink  shood 
be  acted  on  by  de  Moral  Deformed  Society.  Fig  lebes  must 
hab  bin  mity  scarce  in  de  country  whar  dese  tings  war 
made.  It  struck  me  as  bein  curious  dat  up  colored  woman, 
man  or  child  was  in  de  exhibition,  and  I  don't  know  de  rea 
son  why,  kase  I'll  turn  dem  out  agin  de  world  on  shape.  It 
was  quare  to  me,  too,  dat  de  sogerin  police  wood  pass  dese 
naked  statues  and  wink  at  de  immodesty  ob  de  ting,  and  I'll 
bet  de  post  office  against  de  Astor  house,  dat  if  dese  same 
sogerin  police  was  to  see  me  or  you  in  de  same  state  ob  in- 
osence  in  de  street,  no  matter  how  beautiful  a  nastytude  we 
might  assume,  dey  wood  take  us  afore  old  Matsol,  and 
we  git  tree  monffs  at  hard  labor.  Dey  got  a  good  menny 
beastly  statues  dere — deres  one  whar  a  great  big  nasty 
snake  hab  tackted  a  lion  wid  his  wife  and  children,  and  he's 
makin  sassage  meat  ob  dem  at  a  wonderful  rate.  Dere  am 
annudder  ob  a  young  woman  dat  was  a  gwane  to  market  al 
most  naked  on  a  hoss,  to  sell  eggs,  when  a  big  devourin 
lion,  called  a  Amezon,  jumped  'pon  he  hosse's  neck  and  am 
in  de  act  ob  killin  de  hoss,  while  de  young  wowan  am  a  kil- 
lin  de  lion  wid  a  spear  she  shakes  ober  his  head,  derefore  de 
statute  desemble  Shakspeare. 

I  can't  tell  you  much  'bout  what  I  seed  in  dere  to-nite, 
sacrifise  it  to  say,  dat  arter  seein  all  I  cood,  I  leff,  and  was 
a  comin  home  to  come  here  and  lecture,  when  I  seed  a  sine 
dat  a  krockerdile  was  to  be  seen,  and  as  I  was  still  firstin 
for  nolage,  I  went  in  to  see  it.  Wile  dar  a  wite  man  scra 
ped  my  acquaintance,  and  was  mity  friendly.  He  sed  he  had 
heard  ob  me  so  offin,  dat  he  wanted  me  to  take  a  drink  wid 


ADVENTURE  AT  THE  CRYSTAL  PALACE.         293 

him,  and  when  we  left  de  krockerdile  we  journed  to  a  soger 
water  shop  for  dat  purpose.  I  told  him  dat  I  didn't  drink 
nuffiii  but  soger  water,  and  when  it  was  poured  out,  he  sed 
I  had  better  take  " a  stick" in  it  for  my  stomjack  sake,  so  I 
told  him  to  put  it  in,  and  he  did,  and  de  fust  ting  I  node  I 
didn't  noe  nuffin,  and  de  nex  ting  I  node,  I  found  myself 
home  in  bed  at  Anty  Clawson's,  wid  de  doctor  on  one  side 
and  a  tin  pan  on  de  odder.  I  took  an  emetick  and  it  woodn't 
stay  on  my  stomjack,  I  was  so  bad.  I  am  told  dat  I  was 
found  on  a  sellar  door  fass  asleep,  and  was  carried  home 
widout  my  hat,  which  was  stolen  from  my  wenerable  hed,  on 
a  wheelbarrer. 

Now  I  noe  how  prone  womankind  and  mankind  am  to 
gossib  and  slanderize,  and  I  speck  de  fust  ting  I  heah  will 
be  dat  J  was  drunk  and  dat  I  went  on  a  spree,  but  de  fust 
one  in  dis  congregashun  dat  sez  it,  I'll  find  dem  two  dollars 
and  take  der  cote  till  its  paid,  and  den  I'll  read  him  or  her 
out  ob  dis  community.  It  am  yet  to  be  shone  wedder  od 
der  folks  can't  be  Groughed  as  well  as  John  B.,  derefore  I 
warn  you  all  not  to  luff  your  tongues  run  'bout  me.  I'm 
determined  to  scrutinize  my  character  at  all  hazzards,  and 
I'll  stick  to  myself  like  warm  tar  to  a  darkey's  head.  I 
don't  feel  in  good  trim  to-night  ;  my  hed  am  as  holler  ob 
ideas  as  a  dried  bass  drum,  but  nex  week,  if  I  hab  helf  you 
may  look  out  for  a  lecture  dat  will  be  remembered. 

Will  brudder  Eshmal  Jacobs  pass  round  de  sasser,  and  as 
I  got  nuffin  lass  week  I  spect  a  fuss  rate  kolleckshun 
dis  time. 


294  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE   LXXXIX. 

ON  SHAKSPEARE. 

LAMBIYOUS  SATILITES — 

As  I  hab  chowsin  to  become  pussonal  in  my  lecturs 
ob  late  to  you,  and  as  I  see  by  de  contents  ob  de  sasser,  do 
only  rule  I  hab  ob  judgin  in  such  matters,  dat  you  like  'em 
radder  muchly,  I  shall  continue  to  'lucidate  'pon  folks  in  par- 
tickelyer,  raddar  den  tings  in  general. 

De  gemman  whose  karracter  I  shall  lug  up  Mis  ebenin, 
wus  once  berry  popelar,  and  rote  a  good  menny  plays  and 
tings,  and  sed  some  ob  de  bess  texts  in  de  catalog.  I  'tend 
to  dewide  wid  you  de  nolege  I  hab  ob 

DE    POS'LE    SHAKESPERE, 

a  gemman  dat,  gis  as  like  as  not,  you  hab  he  d  spoken  ob 
afore. 

Mr.  Shakespere  wus  a  hostler  by  trade,  but  gub  it  up  in  he 
youf  to  foller  de  actors.  He  was  a  fuss-rate  school-boy,  and 
always  wore  an  imperial  and  tite  buttoned  jacket.  His  life 
wus  one  long  contest  fur  bread  and  butter,  gis  de  same  as 
your  humbly  serbent's,  me,  myseff.  He  was  born  at  "  Strat 
ford  'pon  an  oven,"  so  I  heard  a  man  once  say,  and  dat 
'counts  for  his  habin  sich  a  hard  time  ob  it  fru  life.  It  am 
sed  dat  he  wus  born  ob  poor  but  honest  parents,  as  if  all 
poor  parents  wus  not  honest.  Howeber,  dats  got  noffin  to 
do  wid  me. 

I  sumtimes  tink  Massa  Shakespere  wus  a  cullerd  man, 
kase  in  one  ob  he  books  he  says  to  heseff,  "  Happy  fur  me 


ON    SHAKSPEAKE.  290 

I  am  black" — and  again  he  says  sumfin  looks  as  black  to 
him  as  he  own  face.  I  don't  sert  it,  howeber,  as  a  fack,  to 
be  laid  doun  fur  futur  proceeding. 

Shakespere  went  fru  a  great  deal.  He  has  been  oftener 
murdered  and  susansided  den  enny  odder  man  libin.  He 
was  fust  killed  in  de  battle  ob  Bozesfields,  when  he  wus  a 
humped  backed  tirent,  and  offered  a  whole  kingdom  far  a 
boss.  Horses  war  scarce  den  and  no  mistake.  De  uex  time 
he  died,  he  run  heseff  fru  de  body  wid  he  own  sword  in  de 
tent,  wid  Mark  Antony,  or  sum  ob  dem  fellers.  Den  he 
cum  to  life  agin  and  married  a  berry  nice  young  woman,  a 
darter  ob  an  old  codger  in  de  toun  ob  Wenis,  nie  de  moun 
tain  dat  am  all  de  time  sick  at  its  stomjack,  and  constant 
ly  throwin'»up. 

Well,  he  got  jellis  ob  he  wife  wid  one  Mike  Cashio,  a  buck 
ob  de  times,  and  arter  kickin  up  a  fuss  ginerly,  and  murder- 
in  Mrs.  Othello  in  her  bed,  he  killed  heseff,  gis  as  he  took  a  sar- 
cumcised  dog  by  de  tale,  and  smoked  nirn  dus  wid  a  cheese 
nife,  bat  it  didn't  make  a  dif  a  bitterance  to  him  how  menny 
times  he'm  killed — not  it.  He  was  quainted  wid  a,  lot  ob 
witches  dat  lib  in  de  mountains  ob  Scotland,  and  I  speck  dey 
used  to  fotch  him  to  life  gis  as  ofin  as  dey  pleesed.  Well,  ar 
ter  he  kicked  up  sich  a  muss  in  Wenis,  he  went  to  Skotland, 
and  turned  soger  man,  and  jined  a  Scotch  company  wid  de 
bagpipes  fur  a  band.  Well,  here  he  done  up  sebril  fitins,  and 
married  a  tarter  by  de  name  ob  Mrs.  Macbeff,  which  made 
dem  call  him  Macbeff.  She  took  it  into  her  head  to  be  a 
Queen,  and  made  her  husband  kill  off  old  Dunkin,  who  cum 
to  Mrs.  Macbeffs  login  house.  Here  poor  Shakespere  was 
in  anudder  muss,  and  notwidstandin  de  witches  sed  he  coodn't 
be  killed  agin  by  nobody  born  ob  a  woman,  and  as  all 
men  are  born  ob  womins  in  general,  Mr.  Shakespere  Mac 
beff  tort  he'd  hab  a  good  time  a  libin  out  he  days ;  bat  a 


296  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

young  feller  named  Mike  Duff  fixed  his  bizness  for  him,  and 
he  wus  killed  agin.  Den  he  went  in  black  fur  heseff  dat 
time,  and  went  ober  to  anudder  country,  and  passed  himseff 
off  on  a  young  lady  (named  Ollfeelyer)  as  Gimblet,  de  Prince 
ob  Dunkirk.  Here  de  witches  sent  de  ghost  ob  old  Shakes- 
pere,  de  fadder  ob  de  Pos'le  Sam,  who  'peared  to  him  in  de 
nite  time  in  steel  soger  cloze,  and  when  he  seen  he  son,  he 
trowed  he  beaver  hat  up  fur  joy.  Dis  suckumstance  set  de 
young  man  crazy,  and  he  killed  old  Pompylonius,  he  fadder- 
in-law  dat  wus  to  be.  Dis  upset  de  hed-geer  ob  de  young 
woman,  and  she  went  crazy  too,  and  drowned  herseff  in  de 
canal.  Her  big  brudder,  Mr.  Leartus,  or  Lazarus  (I  can't 
remember  names  bery  well  wid  dis  cold  I  got  in  my  bed,) 
and  he  had  a  regler  fite,  and  stuck  he  gizzard.wid  a  pison 
sword.  Den  he  died  agin — and  one  would  suppose  he'd  seen 
'nuff  ob  dis  world  ob  bubbles.  But  no  !  de  nex  ting  you 
find  him  as  "  King  Lear,"  an  old  reprobate,  full  ob  bligard 
talk  and  foolosofy.  He,  howeber,  by  dis  time,  hab  got 
putty  old  and  moss  worn  out.  His  children  all  cut  frum 
him,  septin  one,  and  she  humbugd  him  too  a  little — but  al 
together,  dey  set  him  crazy  agin,  and  he  goes  out  in  de 
woods  in  de  equinoxtail  storm,  and  dies  agin. 

In  readin  his  history,  I  was  in  hopes  dat  dis  wus  an  end 
ob  him,  but  it  was  not  so.  He  agin  revisits  de  arf  wid  a 
seemin  detarminashun  to  see  a  little  fun,  as  he  had  done 
bloody  deeds  'nuff.  So  de  witches  fatten  him  up,  and  name 
him,  dis  time,  Falstaff,  and  de  fuss  ting  he  did  wus  to  go 
arter  de  wimin.  He  went  doun  to  a  little  place  called 
"  Winsor,"  and  mixed  in  wid  some  odder  men's  wives,  who 
dumped  him  into  de  riber  out  ob  a  cloze  basket.  Dis  gub 
him  a  cold  in  he  institushun,  and  he  cotched  de  edderwednes- 
day  in  histroat.  When  he  cum  out  ob  dat  he  jined  Prince 
Hall's  army,  and  was  cut  to  pieces  at  ile  battle  ob  Bunker's 


ON  SHAKSPEARE.  291 

Hill,  in  de  year  19T6,  since  which  time  it  is  sposed  he  hab  bin 
sassagefied  to  lay  still  in  he  grabe.  Dere  hab  bin  a  good  men- 
ny  fellers  since  his  time  who  hab  tried  to  palm  demseff  off 
fur  de  veritable  Shakespere,  but  dere  efforts  hab  neber  suc 
ceeded.  His  mantel  wus  too  big  intirely  fur  enny  ob  dese 
latter  gineration  fellers  to  ware.  It  obercum  dem  too  much, 
and  I  tell  you,  my  frens,  notwithstandin  what  'straordinary 
talents  may  be  claimed  by  parents  fur  der  children,  dere 
neber  was  but  one  Shakespere  dat  eber  lived,  and  I  don't 
belebe  he'll  condescend  to  lib  agin,  no  how. 

Dere  now,  you  noe  all  'bout  de  Pos'le  Samuel  Shakespere. 
I  found  out  what  I  hab  told  you  by  hard  study  only.  I  had 
to  read  Shakespere  moss  all  fru  to  get  de  tred  ob  he  histo 
ry,  which  I-  unravel  to  you. 

No  applause  if  you  please,  de  nabors  complain  ob  it. 

Will  Brudder  Cornelus  Maffews  pleese  pass  'round  de 
time  honored  sasser. 


13* 


298  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    XC. 

POLITICIANS. 

» 

BLUBBED  BRUDDEBS  : 

IT  am  not  my  plan  at  present  to  'scuss  de  warious 
kinds  of  politicians  in  'ticular,  but  only  in  gineril.  I'se  not 
gwine  to  examine  dere  shells — wedder  dey  be  hard  or  soft — 
I  leaves  dat  to  Anty  Clawson,  whose  bizness  it  am  to  noe  all 
'bout  shellfish,  and  derefore  may  be  said  to  be  fishally  con 
nected  wid  de  subjic. 

What  I  want  to  interduce  to  'lighten  your  dark  under- 
standins,  am  de  polly-tishuns  in  de  lump.  I  don't  mean  dat 
I  want  to  interduce  dem  to  you  pusonally  ;  no  'mount  ob 
bad  pennies  in  de  sasser  would  make  me  do  dat.  An'  you 
may  be  glad  'nuff  dat  you're  black  in  de  face — for  dat's  all 
dat  perwents  you  from  fallin'  inter  de  hans  ob  dese  fellers. 
An'  I  want  you  to  take  kere  an'  not  let  me  ketch  you 
practisin'  speeches  by  yoursefs,  to  'stonish  your  mates  an' 
make  believe  you'se  bad  as  de  wite  man.  It's  only  a  wite 
man  kin  do  politicks,  an'  I  hopes  dey  will  allers  keep  up  de 
'stinction  'tween  dein  an'  de  'stinguished  scions  ob  Africa. 

A  polly-tishuu  has  no  opinions  ob  his  own  ;  he  am  like  a 
straw  ;  hold  him  up,  an'  he'll  pint  wich  ebber  way  de  wind 
ob  poplar  'pinion  blows  him.  Ef  a  platform  breaks  down, 
it  don't  hurt  him,  for  he  am  like  a  cat  dat  allers  lites  on  its 
feet  ;  an'  he  runs  rite  up  on  anudder  wun,  an'  hoorays  as  ef 
he  allers  belong  dar.  'Tween  'lecshun  times  he  is  quiet 
'nuff,  like  an  ole  coon  asleep  in  de  top  ob  a  holler  tree,  libin' 


POLITICIANS.  299 

on  bis  fat  ;  but  wen  'lecshun  kums,  he  gits  lively  like  frogs 
in  spring.  Den  he  gits  a  bank  note  changed  into  sixpences, 
purpus  to  spend  for  treats  wid  ebbery  body.  He  wares  an 
ole  hat,  to  look  like  a  wurkin'  man,  an'  he  puts  patches  on 
his  nees.  He  makes  his  arms  sore,  shakin'  hands  wid 
ebbery  body,  an'  'tends  to  be  'tickler  anxious  'bout  de  helf 
ob  your  wife  and  children.  He  is  as  sly  as  a  possum  ;  see 
him  wid  a  'ligious  man,  an'  he'll  look  an'  talk  like  a  minister4 
in  a  camp  meetin'  ;  meet  him  haf  an  'our  after  talkin'  to  sum 
wild  feller,  an'  you'll  hear  wurds  dat,  ef  dey  aint  swearin', 
soun'  wery  much  like  cussin'.' 

His  nateral  home  am  de  top  ob  a  stump,  an'  he  keeps  to 
it  so  long  sumtimes,  dat  he  looks  as  ef  he  growd  dar — an 
no  dout  it  wood  be  a  good  ting  ef  he  did.  But  he  hates  to 
git  off  it,  kase  when  he  cums  doun,  he's  no  bigger  den  odder 
pepil,  an'  not  a  bit  better  nedher.  Oh  it  he  gits  as  noisy  as 
a  wind-mill,  and  he's  driv  by  de  same  power — wind.  Wen 
he  tanks  an'  rites  he  allers  picks  de  longest  words  out  ob  de 
dickshunary,  to  kiver  up  his  idees  like  wid  a  blanket  ;  an'  it 
'peers  as  dough  he  was  at  panes  to  tuck  de  words  in,  under 
an'  all  'round  his  thoughts,  so  dat  no  wun  can  see  'em,  ef 
he's  got  enny,  wich  menny  pepil  dout — an'  wid  good  reason. 
Or  if  ever  he  let's  any  idee  'pear,  it's  allers  in  sich  a  dress 
dat  it  may  be  'splained  to  mean  jist  the  contrary  ting. 

'Bout  religion  he  never  sez  much,  'ceptin'  dat  men  should 
be  liberal  in  dere  'pinions,  which  he  is  hessef,  for  he  goes  to 
ebbery  church  in  his  naborhood  regular,  and  belebes  in  'em 
all  alike. 

Wen  lecshun's  ober,  he  grows  smarter  in  his  'pearance, 
don't  ware  ole  hats  enny  more,  an'  puts  on  hole  trowserloons. 
He  berry  offen  gits  uncommon  short-sited  after  dis  ewenl^ 
an'  can't  see  de  frens  dat  wus  most  useful  in  gittin'  him 
office.  To  be  sure,  dey  deserve  it,  for  'sociatin  wid  polly- 


300  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

tishuns,  aii^I  don't  pity  'em  ef  dey  is  forgot.  Sumtimes  he 
can't  eben  'member  de  promises  he  made  'fore  'lecshun,  an' 
ef  he  do,  why  "  circumstances  makes  it  impossible  to  kurn- 
ply"  ' 

De  polly-tishun  am  as  spry  as  de  cat,  as  kunnin'  as  de  fox, 
as  sly  as  de  possum,  an'  as  wexious  as  de  skunk.  Ef  enny 
ob  dis  kongregashun  tries  to  be  a  polly-tishun,  I'll  fotch  him 
up  'fore  de  hole  kongregashun,  and  'blige  him  to  'fess  de 
error  ob  his  ways. 

Will  Brudder  Squash  please  to  circulate  de  sasser  ? 


LECTURE  XCI. 

WOMAN. 

SHEEPS  OB  MY  PASTORE — 

HERE  I  is  aginl  feelin  dis  time  'bout  as  strong  as  a 
pipe  stem  in  a  gale  ob  wind,  but  no  matter  how  strong  or 
week  I  is,  I  is  here  to  do  my  duty,  as  Capt.  Creighton  sed 
to  de  poor  fellers  'bord  de  San  Francisco.  I  is  almoss 
ashamed  to  kommence  lecturin  dis  ebenin,  fur  I  hab  got 
sich  a  skitish  subjeck  to  handel  dis  time,  and  (bein  single 
mysef),  noein  so  little  'bout  dem,  dat  I  is  afeered  I  shall 
put  my  foot  squar  into  it,  afore  I  is  fru.  Neber-de-less,  as 
I  hab  receibed  an  inquest  from  sum  ole  batchelor,  as  I 
'speck,  to  lecture  on  de  fair  sex,  I  will  say  sumfin  to  you 

consarnin  de 

i 

FEMALE    WOMAN. 

In    handlin  dis    subjick,  I  got    to   be   mity    nice    and 


WOMAN.  301 

earful,  or  else  I  is  sure  to  hab  de  hole  race  ob  kalico  doun 
on  me  like  a  hat  full  ob  sweet  potaters — kase  ef  dar  am 
enny  animile  dat  hates  to  be  told  de  truf  more  den  anudder, 
it  am  dis  same  female  woman — and  de  reson  fur  dat  am 
omnibus  Jnuf,  frum  de  fack  dat  dey  am  so  flattered  and  lied 
to  by  de  hemale  race,  dat  dey  kan't  bare  to  heer  de  truf  no 
more  den  a  slidin  pond  will  bare  a  bullefent. 

De  almanack  sez — and  who  nose  more  den  de  almanack  ? 
(sept  an  Alderman,  maybe)  dat  in  de  time  ob  creashun,  de 
woman  was  made  lass.  I  kan  see  de  wisdom  ob  natur  in 
dis,  kase  ef  she  had  bin  made  fuss,  she'd  a  kicked  up  such 
a  muss  wid  de  rest  ob  de  kritters,  dat  tings  woodent  a  went 
as  smooff  as  dey  did. 

Arter  all  de  odder  beasts  was  done,  and  dere  skins  dried, 
den  man  wus  made  to  rule  ober  dem,  and  den  woman  wus 
made  to  rule  ober  de  man,  and  frum  dat  day  to  dis,  she  has 
done  it  to  perfection,  and  fulfilled  her  mission  to  de  letter. 
True,  dey  don't  all  take  de  same  mefod  to  rule — sum  ledes 
him  wid  a  silken  string,  like  the  showman  leads  de  bullefent 
wid  a  little  cord,  and  odders  dribe  wid  a  rod  ob  iron. 

Natur  when  he  made  man,  tort  he  had  done  sumfin  grand, 
but  when  he  formed  all  de  little  fancy  bits  ob  clay,  and 
turnd  out  a  woman  in  all  her  lubliness,  he  seed  plainly  dat 
he'd  toped  de  climax  ob  beauty.  When  I  lean  back  in  my 
char  at  twilight,  and  haff  shut  my  eyes,  and  corntemplate 
what  woman  wus  afore  de  old  sarpint  tempted  her  in  de 
Garden  ob  Eben,  I  git  lost  in  develtre  and  go  to  sleep. 

It  wus  a  happy  tort  to  make  Mr.  Adams  a  wife,  fur  he'd 
a  found  dis  a  dead,  bleak,  awful  world  widout  her,  notwid- 
standin  she  got  him  kicked  out  ob  Paremdice. 

Eber  sence  dat  old  sarpint  tempted  de  woman,  she  hab 
had  de  debil  in  her  to  a  more  or  less  extent,  and  what  makes 
it  wuss  fur  us  poor  he-fellers,  am  de  fack  dat  dey  am  all 


302  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

made  so  beauful,  dat  yon  kan't  no  more  tell  which  am  de 
debils  and  which  de  angels  'mong  dem  by  gis  lookin  at  'em, 
no  more  den  you  kan  tell  a  rotten  nut  till  it.  am  cracked. 
It  hab  bin  sed  by  able  foolosefers,  dat  a  bad  woman  am  de 
worst  ting  on  arf.  I  gess  dem  fellers  neber  got  a  rotten 
persimon  in  dar  mouff  wid  no  water  handy. 

Sum  married  man  say  dat  de  woman  am  wuss  den  de 
debil  when  dey  am  a  mind  to  be.  Dey  say  dat  she  noes  too 
much,  dat  she  noes  'zackly  when  to  make  de  bed  wid  thorns 
or  fedders,  when  cold  mutton  and  cold  coughfee  am  to  be 
sarbed  up,  an<J  when  no  dinner  at  all,  am  best  fur  de  comfort 
and  happiness  ob  de  husband.  One  feller  ses  he  can  make  his 
wife  do  gis  as  sluts  a  mind  to  at  enny  time.  Anudder  ses,  as 
long  as  he  kan  bring  home  lots  ob  cash,  and  gub  his  wife 
plenty  ob  spendin  money,  its  all  rite,  but  on  de  koutrary  it 
am  quite  de  reworse.  Now  I  don't  pertend  to  say  nuffin 
'bout  dese  tings  on  my  own  hook,  derefore  I  isn't  'sponsible, 
but  dey  may  rail  aginst  woman  as  much  as  dey  like,  dey 
kan't  set  me  up  aginst  dem.  I  hab  always  fru  life  found 
dem  to  be  de  fust  in  lub,  fust  in  a  quarrel,  fust  in  de  dance, 
de  fust  in  de  ice-cream  saloon,  and  de  fust  bess  and  lass  in 
de  sick  room.  What  wood  we  poor  debils  do  widout  dem  ? 
Let  us  be  born  as  young,  as  ugly  and  as  helpless  as  we 
plese,  a  woman's  arms  am  open  to  recebe  us.  She  it  am 
who  gubs  us  onr  fuss  dose  ob  castor  oil,  and  puts  cloze  'pon 
our  helplessly  naked  lims,  and  cubbers  up  our  foots  and 
toeses  in  long  flannel* petticoats,  and  it  am  she  who,  as  we 
grow  up,  fills  our  dinner  basket  wid  doenuts  and  apples  as 
we  start  to  skool,  and  licks  us  when  we  tare  our  trowsers. 
It  am  she  who  in  our  manhood  makes  de  moon  brighter  and 
bigger,  and  de  stars  to  twinkle  in  de  ferminence  wid  de 
splendid  glory  (for  take  woman  out  ob  de  world,  and  night 
would  lose  de  moss  ob  its  beauty).  It  am  she  who  robs 


WOMAN.  308 

trouble  ob  haff  its  sting,  when  de  trouble  ain't  'bout  anudder 
woman.  It  am  she  who  teaches  us  wortue  and  goodness 
fru  life,  providin  she  ain't  bankrupt  in  boff  ob  dem  hersef. 
It  am  she  who  makes  de  sweetmeets  and  homemade  kakes. 
It  am  she  who  watches  in  de  sick  room,  and  gubs  you  de 
calomal  and  jollop,  and  rubug  and  curren  jelly — and  it  am 
she  who  sticks  to  you  in  de  lass  hour  ob  life,  and  consoles  de 
troubled  spirit  as  long  as  it  clings  to  dis  mortal  body.  Who 
kan  help  lubin  women  1  I  can't,  and  I  don't  car  who  nose  it — 
wid  all  her  faultshoods,  I  lub  her,  and  I  won't  heah  no  body 
spoke  agin  de  sex  no  how.  Ef  I'd  a  bin  Adam,  and  Ebe 
had  bin  sent  to  me,  dare  needent  a  bin  no  snake  tempted 
her,  fur  de  debil  wood  hab  bin  in  me  as  big  as  a  cowcumber, 
and  I'd  a  tempted  her  mysef,  and  ef  enny  ob  you  will  go  to 
de  Crystal  Palace  and  see  Mudder  Ebe  a  standing  dere,  as 
Mr.  Powers  ses  she  was,  I  don't  tink  you  kan  blame  me 
fur  ownin  up. 

While  Brudder  Elemuel  Ceasar  Chaff  passes  round  de 
sasser,  de  kongregashun  will  pleese  sing  to  de  tune  ob  de 
useal  ducksholiday,  de  perspiriu  words  ob  de  posel  Gold- 
smif — 

"  When  lubly  woman  stoops  to  folly, 

And  finds  too  late  dat  man  betray : 
She  might  as  well  be  gay  and  jolly, 
As  to  kick  up  a  fuss  about  it." 


304  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE    XCII. 
ABOUT   THE    0-L  D    ENEMY. 

BLUBD  BRUDDREN  AND  SISTERN  : 

WHAT  He  am  to  de  steam  bulgine,  sdance  am  to  de 
human  intelleck.  It  keeps  it  from  rustin.  Ef  it  wasn't  fur 
ile  de  machinery  wood  become  damp  and  rusty,  and  ef  it 
wasent  fur  sciance,  de  mechenery  ob  de  tinkin  apperatus  ob 
man  wood  be  in  de  same  sitewashun,  kase  water  kannot 
produce  wus  kloddings  to  de  axel-trees  ob  de  steamboat, 
den  ignumrence  can  do  to  de  axel-trees  ob  de  brane.  Dere- 
fore,  I  dewise  you  all  to  keep  your  brane  pan  as  dry  ob  ig 
numrence  as  possible,  and  make  free  use  ob  de  ile  ob  sciance. 
You  can  apply  it  wid  de  fedder  ob  useful  nolege,  and  den  see 
how  easy  it  will  be  to  confound  de  moss  brilliant  ideas  ob 
de  men  dat  hab  passed  before  you,  and  dose  dat  hab  passed 
behind  you.  Habin  settled  dis  pint,  as  de  hungry  boarder 
sed  on  swallerin  de  coughfie,  I  will  draw  your  'tenshun  (and 
I  suppose  dats  'bout  all  I  will  draw  frum  you  to-nite),  to  de 
great  subjick  fur  'siderashuu  dis  ebenin. 

Sum  ob  you  dat  am  easily  scart,  may  be  frightened  when 
dey  cum  to  see  de  animal  dat  I  purpose  to  iutrocumduce  to 
you.  But  I  don't  car.  It  am  necessary  dat  you  shood  be 
'lighted  on  all  subjicks.  I  had  tackled  all  kinds  ob  animals 
fur  your  intertainment  and  nolege,  and  now  you  will  see 
what  an  awful  feller  I  tackled  for  your  sakes  dis  time. 

De  feller  I  introcumduce  to  you  on  dis  'portant  caishun, 
am  an  old  friend  ob  yours.  De  reson  I  tink  you  all  know 
him,  am  bekase  I  hab  herd  almost  ebery  one  ob  you  men- 


ABOUT   THE    OLD    EXEMY.  305 

shun  his  name  in  conuecktion  wid  almost  eberything  you  talk 
'bout.  I  may  as  well  tell  you,  widout  keepin  you  in  suspen 
ders  enny  longer,  dat  I  'tend  to  lecture  dis  ebenin  on  de 
chap  none  to  eberybody,  as 

D  E     DEBIL. 

Don't  be  scart,  my  frens,  I  am  not  gwane  to  bring  him 
here  in  his  "proper  personage,"  as  we  say  in  Latin.  He 
won't  be  here  no  more  to-nite,  den  he  always  has  bin.  I 
hab  offen  herd  folks  say  dey  ment  to  raise  de  debil,  but  dere 
am  no  record  ob  de  fack  being  done,  'cept  de  record  found 
in  de  komic  almanick,  whar  dat  good  old  man,  Loronzo 
Dow,  raised  him  in  de  Western  country  out  ob  a  barrel  ob 
cotton'.  Wedder  dat  story  am  true  or  not,  rests  wid  the 
konshence  ob  de  almanick. 

De  debil  am  an  old  customer,  I  tell  you.  We  fust  heah 
ob  him  in  de  shape  ob  a  snake  in  de  garden  ob  Eden  (whar, 
as  I  told  you  a  week  or  two  ago,  he  played  de  debil  wid 
mudder  Ebe),  and  frum  dat  time  to  de  present,  he  hab 
taken  up  he  abode  all  ober  creashun.  Sumtimes  he  am 
found  in  de  hart  ob  de  miser — sumtimes  on  de  lips  ob  de 
clergy,  and  he  makes  a  perfect  randavious  ob  de  loafers 
mouth,  fur  he  am  always  in  it. 

He  am  none  by  seberel  odder  names  besides  his  right  one. 
I  don't  noe  ob  any  one  in  de  whole  range  ob  my  'quaintan- 
ces,  who  hab  so  menny  recognized  "  knick  "  names  as  he. 
He  am  called  Old  Knick,  Satan,  Belzebub,  Old  Harry,  Old 
Scratch,  Jimmy  Squarfoot,  Old  Horns  and  Tail,  Old  Fellow, 
Old  Brimstone,  and  fifty  oder  names  too  well  known  to  men- 
shun. 

Dere  am  no  use  for  me  to  'tempt  to  describe  dis  feller  to 
you,  kase  dere  am  nobody  dat  nose  nofin  'bout  him,  and  all 
my  resarches  outside  ob  de  pictur  book  hab  bin  in  wain. 


306  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

De  pictur  books  paints  him  wid  horns,  foots,  and  tail,  like 
an  ox — wid  a  face  like  an  owl,  and  a  body  like  a  man.  But 
folks,  generly,  don't  seem  to  'bleve  dat  am  his  dogertype 
likeness,  or  else  dere  words  belie  dcm  most  consumtively. 
De  fack  am,  no  two  pepil  dat  I  hab  met  during  my  studies 
on  the  subjiok,  seem  to  tiuk  he  am  alike.  For  instinc,  how 
often  you  hear  sich  remarks  as  dese  on  de  Rialto.  One  man 
will  say  to  anuuder,  "  Good  mornin,  it  am  devlish  cold  to 
day."  Yes,  ses  de  odder  feller,  but  it  wus  as  hot  as  de 
debil  yesterday,  and  upon  my  word,  sich  warm  wedder  ab 
brought  de  flesh  off  ob  me,  'till  I  am  devlish  thin." 
"  Well,"  sez  de  fust  spokesman,  "  hot  wedder  acks  different 
wid  me.  I  always  get  deblish  stout  in  de  summer  time." 

Dere,  you  see  one  man  hab  de  idea  ob  de  debil  bein  cold 
and  stout,  while  de  odder  tink  he  am  hot  and  slim.  See  de 
infrence  !  Den  again  you  will  heah  men  say  dat  sumbody 
wus  as  mad  as  de  debil  'bout  sumfin — and  de  nex  minit  you 
will  heah  de  remark  dat  sumbody  wus  devlish  civil.  So  I 
might  go  on  and  state  dese  contradictory  notions  all  nite, 
widout  making  de  fac  more  crystalised. 

De  wite  trash  paint  de  debil  black,  but  in  de  Africa  dey 
paint  him  wite  —dere  you  see  de  infrences  again — an'  which 
am  right.  Eben  Foolosefer  Greely  kan't  deside  wid  enny 
satisfackshun  to  de  kommunity — but  ob  corse  he'd  go  his 
deff  on  black.  Nobody  eber  seen  dis  debil,  aldo  he  hab  bin 
on  arf  from  the  fust  morning  de  world  was  made,  and  dere 
nebber  hab  bin  enny  'counts  ob  he  deff,  eder  by  telegraph 
or  newspapers,  up  to  seven  o'clock  to-uite,  kase  I've  bin 
watchin  fur  de  news  all  de  week  sence  I  'eluded  to  lecture 
'pon  his  lowness. 

Ef  dere  am  one  fellow  hated  more  den  unudder,  it  am  de 
scoundrel  mentioned  in  de  tex.  He  am  nebber  menshuned 
in  what  am  termd  good  society,  but  he  am  as  big  as  a 


ABOUT  THE  OLD  ENEMY.  30T 

wood-chuck  in  dere  midst  all  de  time.  Sum  folks  go  so  far 
as  to  'spress  dere  dislike  to  him  in  poetry,  by  requesting 
eberybody 

"  To  whip  de  debil  round  de  stump, 
Ebery  crack  will  make  him  jump." 

I  hab  no  doubt,  judgin  frum  his  moral  character,  dat  he 
richly  deserbes  tarin  and  feddrin,  besides  bein  licked,  like — 
like — de  debil.  He  must  be  a  dredful  bad  feller,  and  his 
influence  muss  be  severely  felt  in  dis  country,  when  it  costs 
ober  a  hundred  millions  a  yeer  to  support  churches  and 
preecher  mans  to  fight  wid  him,  and  keep  down  his  power. 
Dere  am  no  noein  whar  he  cum  frum  zackly.  One  poor  old 
blind  gemmon,  by  de  name  ob  Milton,  wrote  a  beauful 
piece  ob  poetry,  describing  his  dounfall,  but  all  his  theory 
am  nocked  flatter  den  Tom  Hyer  nocked  Sullivan  ;  when 
we  refleck  dat  he  wus  wid  Adam  and  Ebe,  in  de  garden  ob 
Paradise;  seuce  which  time  sum  say  he  hab  taken  up  he 
abode  in  Wall  street. 

In  'clushun,  Gthly,  I  will  cut  de  subjick  short.  I  don't 
meen  curtailin  de  beast,  but  de  lectur  'pon  him.  De  fack  is, 
I  don't  like  to  be  to.o  familliar  wid  him  on  no  account — fur 
I,  wid  de  rest  ob  mankind,  hab  ebery  reson  to  be  afeered  ob 
him,  fur  ef  he  once  claps  his  harpoon  in  you,  you  am  a  goner. 

Sum  say  dere  am  no  debil — dat's  a  lie,  my  frens,  fur  ef  he 
wus  out  ob  de  way,  dere  wood  be  no  murder,  no  more  law 
suits,  no  more  rum  drinked,,  and  consequently  no  more  prisons. 
Dere  am  a  debil,  and  he  is  alibe,  and  he  am  arter  ebery  one 
ob  you,  and  he  will  take  eben  bets  dat  he  will  hab  you. 

He  am  always  playin  round  your  konshences,  and  ef  you 
don't  look  out,  he  will  slip  into  your  heart,  and  make  it  a 
hard  shell  afore  you  know  it.  He  am  capable  ob  coming  to 
you  in  enny  shape,  or  in  enny  form  he  choose,  and  dats  de 


308  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

reson  one  pussou  tinks  him  so  different  frum  de  odder.  Dats 
de  reson  he  am  hot  to  one,  and  cold  to  de  odder.  Oh,  you 
poor  deluded  sinners,  I  dewise  you  to  be  on  de  alert,  as  de 
'lecshun  bills  say,  and  keep  your  eye  skinned  fur  future 
futurity.  Try  to  go  tru  de  world  like  a  man — be  kind  and 
charitable  to  all — stick  to  your  friends — be  honest,  and 
always  speak  de  trnf,  and  de  debbil  will  not  bodder  you 
much — he  don't  like  sich  company — and  he  gencrly  gubs 
sich  lolks  a  wide  birf.  You  will,  ob  corse,  find  it  hard  to 
ward  off  his  berry  'fectionate  influence,  but  stick  to  de  de 
termination  to  kick  him  off,  and  you  will  finally  reach  de 
odder  side  ob  Jordan,  de  only  place  where  he  am  none  not 
to  exist. 

Wid  dese  reflecshuns,  I  drop  de  subject  like  de  monkey 
dropped  de  hot  potato.  I  cood  paint  out  de  horrible  hole 
where  he  libs,  tell  you  de  natural  smell  ob  de  place,  de  color 
ob  de  flames,  and  de  state,  ob  de  fremometer,  but  I  won't. 
I  lebe  dat  fur  de  preechermans,  meny  ob  whom  do  nofin  else 
— and  frum  sum  ob  dere  descripshuns,  you  wood  tink  dey 
gis  cum  frum  de  place  itself. 

Will  Brudder  Napoleon  Sampson  Augustus  Puttyhed 
pleese  pass  'round  de  sasser,  and  look  out  fur  tin  shillings 
and  free  cent  pieces — neder  ob  which  I  take, 


THE    LOBSTER.  .309 


LECTURE  XCIII. 

THE  LOBSTER. 

MY  DEAH  WOOLLY  HEDS — 

You  will  find  de  tex  I  hab  chosen  fur  lucidation  dis 
ebenin,  in  de  bottom  ob  de  sea,  close  under  de  rocks,  but  as 
sum  ob  you,  speshly  de  fair  sex,  mout  object  to  go  dere  to 
look  fur  it,  I  will  tell  you  where  you  can  see  a  dogsearatype 
likeness  ob  him,  which  may  answer  de  purpose  ob  dose  folks 
dat  am  not  so  'quisitif  as  odders  You  will  find  him  in  sum  ob 
de  spellin  books,  rite  along  side  de  letter  L,  and  agin  in  Massa 
Goldsmith's  book  'bout  de  animiles.  De  tex  'luded  to,  am 
often  seen  at  de  markets  also,  and  am  one  ob  de  moss  famil 
iar  subjicks  dat  I  cood  fotch  up  frum  de  deep  waters  ob  ob 
livion,  to  spread  afore  your  darkened  intellecks.  De  feller 
I  shall  dissect  to-nite,  am  called  in  de  English  tongue, 

DE    LOBSTER. 

I  'spose  you  wood  all  radder  hob  him  den  heer  tell  ob  him, 
but  dats  gis  like  de  darkey,  and  a  good  menny  wite  folks, 
too.  Dey  kan't  heer  ob  nofin  good  widout  wantin  it.  Dere 
am  more  selfishness  in  de  world  den  menny  pepil  am  apt  to 
suppose. 

De  lobster,  my  frens,  am  one  ob  de  moss  curious  interestin 
fellers  dat  runs  in  de  mud.  He  ain't  half  so  beautiful  as  de 
rinosinhos,  nor  as  lively  as  a  flea.  I  tink,  howeber,  he 
am  ob  de  flea  species,  or  de  flea  am  ob  de  lobster  spe 
cies,  gis  which  you  like.  Dey  am  boff  some  on  a  nip,  gis 


310  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

like  de  sportin  man.  He  libs  in  a  shell,  like  de  clam,  but  am 
no  more  relashun  to  de  clam  family,,  den  I  am  to  Samuel 
Shakspere. 

When  de  world  wu3  made,  dere  wus  a  good  menny  tings 
created  dat  wood  tax  de  wisdom  ob  de  author  ob  de  bess 
foolosofers  dat  ebber  libed.  Adam  was  consulted  by 
letter  about  it,  but  found  no  use  to  put  him  to,  and  he 
sent  word  dat  all  critters  dat  coodent  be  used  muss  be 
devoured,  and  mankind  hab  bin  hard  at  de  lobster  eber 
sence — but  de  more  dey  eat  de  more  seems  to  turn  up. 

It  hab  always  bin  a  mystery  to  me,  and  I  may  say  to 
odder  lightened  foolosofers  ob  de  day,  to  make  out  what  de 
lobster  wus  fust  intended  fur,  afore  it  wus  decreed  dat  he 
wus  to  be  eat  up.  It  mite  hab  bin  a  wrong  decree,  but  de 
poor  ting  had  no  way  ob  defendin  its  cause.  He  coode  nt 
call  a  conwention  to  proteck  his  rites,  like  de  wommin  ob  de 
present  day.  He  coodent  mount  de  rostrum  and  speechify 
— folks  wood  only  laff  at  him — derefore  his  desendents  do 
all  dey  kan  to  show  dar  disgust  fur  de  imposition  flicted 
'pon  dem,  fur  dey  am  never  put  into  de  pot  dat  dey  don't 
blush  all  ober  wid  de  he'at  ob  resentment. 

When  human  nature  made  him  in  de  fust  place,  I  belebe 
dat  it  wus  a  speriment  gis  to  see  how  ugly  a  ting  cood  be  cre 
ated,  and  how  odd  a  customer  cood  be  made  to  lib.  I  hab 
often  tort  dat  it  wus  fust  intended  to  make  him  a  cupple  ob 
legs,  and  place  dem  in  de  middle  ob  de  body,  so  he  cood 
walk  upright,  like  de  dandies  and  de  owl,  but  dis  speriment 
was  'bandoned  when  it  wus  taken  into  'siderashnn  dat  no 
body  cood  make  glubs  to  fit  his  claws,  kase  you  see  ef  ho 
had  bin  made  wid  legs,  his  claws  wood  ob  corse  be  his  hands. 
Ef  he  had  bin  made  to  walk  uprite,  he  wood  hab  made  a 
good  companion,  or  perhaps  a  kind  ob  waiter  to  de  old  deb- 
bil  heseff,  and  a  pretty  pair  dey  wood  hab  made  fur  a  small 


THE    LOBSTER.  311 

party.  Howeber,  legs  was  found  not  to  answer,  fur  de  mo 
ment  it  wus  tried,  lie  kommenced  boxin  wid  a  monkey,  and 
so  to  git  him  out  ob  sight,  he  wus  thrown  oberboard  into  de 
sea,  and  dar  he  lib  in  fine  style  eber  sence.  His  creashuii 
wus  a  grand  speriment  in  menny  ways,  fur  he  am  de  only 
animile  dat  libs,  dat  combine  de  two  sex,  hemale  and  she- 
male,  in  one,  and  Nateral  History  sez  dat  "  dis  fac  alone 
makes  dem  de  moss  wonderful  ob  all  creashun,  and  wordy 
ob  de  study  ob  de  scientific,  and  ob  corse  dat  means  me." 

I  cood  go  on  splainin  singelar  tings  'bout  dis  double-jinted 
feller  all  nite,  but  it  wood  be  no  use  ;  all  you  care  about 
him,  am  to  stuff  your  bred  baskets  wid  him,  and  while  you 
are  tarin  his  insides  out,  you  no  more  car  how  dey  got  dar, 
den  I  car  who's  de  nex  Presemdent.  You  got  no  more  soul 
fur  siance,  den  a  goose  has  fur  music.  Dere  am  one  or 
two  tings  connected  wid  him  besides  his  tale,  dat  may  how- 
eber  strike  you  on  de  nolege  box,  as  bein  bery  queer.  One 
ob  dese  am  de  fac  dat  it  am  as  much  trouble  fur  him  to  git 
a  new  cote  upon  his  back,  as  it  is  fur  one  ob  us  fellers, 
and  he  is  compelled  by  de  force  ob  sarcumstances  and  de 
grofth  ob  his  body,  to  change  his  jacket  ebery  year,  gis  like 
de  skool  boy.  De  great  difference,  howeber,  am  dat  gettin 
a  new  jacket  always  makes  de  lobster  sick  abed  fur  a  few 
days,  so  he  hab  to  be  doctored",  and  de  same  operashun  in  de 
corse  ob  de  skool-boy's  life,  make  a  holiday  fur  him. 

De  lobster  is  a  kute  feller.  He  gmerly  hides  heseff 
away  doun  on  de  bottom  ob  de  sea,  behind  a  rock,  or  in  a 
bunch  ob  coral,  or  sea-weed,  and  dere  he  sticks  fur  hours  on 
de  lay  fur  wictims,  gis  like  de  gamblers  ob  de  city.  When 
a  little  fish  comes  along  fishin  fur  bugs,  he  will  find,  to  his 
utter  'stonishment,  a  big  claw  cum  doun  on  him  like  a  siege 
hammer,  and  afore  he  recubbers  frum  he  fright,  he  am  in  de 
jaws  ob  deff  and  de  lobster. 


312  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

You  see  he  steals  fur  a  libbiu,  and  tights  like  a  mad  wo- 
mau  when  he  gets  kofeched  at  it.  Take  him  alltogedder, 
claws  and  all,  and  you  will  find  him  a  hard  case — let  him 
git  a  chance,  and  de  impression  he  will  make  upon  you,  will 
sassagefy  you  ob  dat  fac.  You  mite  better  play  wid  a  steel 
trap  den  'tempt  to  make  a  pet  ob  one  ob  dem,  ef  he's  no 
bigger  den  a  piece  ob  red  putty. 

Dere  ;  you  noe  all  about  de  lobster  now,  and  speck  you 
feel  greatfool  fur  it.  I  tort  it  wood  be  a  subject  dat  wood 
meet  your  tastes,  and  I  felt  sure  you  wood  greedily  devour 
it.  Ef  enny  ob  you  feel  as  ef  you  wood  like  to  see  furder 
into  de  subjick,  gis  bring  him  to  me  wid  a  little  sweet  oil, 
ki-an  pepper,  mustard,  winegar,  and  such  tings,  and  I'll 
show  you  how  wonderful  we  are  made,  in  less  den  no  time. 

As  I  see  a  good  menny  ducks  here  to-nite,  we'll  konclude 
by  singin  de  useal  ducks  holiday,  or  ducksolegers,  I  don't 
car  which,  kommencin  wid — 

Lobsters,  great  and  email, 
We  fondly  lub  you  all ; 
Bile  dem  nicely  in  de  pot, 
And  bring  dem  out  pipin  hot. 

You  can  sing  it  to  long  metre,  short  metre,  or  meet  her 
by  moonlite  alone. 

Will  Brudder  Dave  Leonidus  Mark  Antony  Petis  pleese 
to  honor  de  'caishun  by  passin  round  de  sasser.  He  will 
den  hab  a  fuss  rate  chance  ob  showin  off  dem  ydler  glubs 
dat  he  hab  held  ober  he  hed  all  de  ebenin.  Is  camfcne 
smell  nateral  to  dat  kind  ob  goat  skin. 


THE    MONKEY.  313 


LECTURE  XCIY. 

THE  MONKEY. 

CURRIOUS  CUSTOMERS — 

IT  am  berry  currigen  to  your  humble  speeker  to  see 
sich  a  crowd  ob  pussons  assemble  bar  each  lectur  nite.  De 
reeson  ob  sich  crowded  houses  am  owin  to  it  bein  free. 
You  will  allers  find  free  consarts  an  free  lecturs  crowded, 
no  matter  how  poor  de  intertainment  am  dafs  offerred. 
Dat  I  call  a  noble  zample  ob  "  our  free  institutions,"  as  de 
politishions  say.  I  hab  bin  inquested  to  lectur  on  a  cur- 
rious  an  by  no  meens  sublime  subjick  dis  ebenin,  an  darfore 
I  will  pleese  de  brudder  by  scribein  de  culiarities  ob  a  feller 
you  all  despise,  but  nebberdeless  he  muss  be  induced  to  your 
dark  intellects. 

You  will  find  de  subjick  fured  to  in  all  de  jimalongical  sub 
stitutes  or  carawans  in  de  country,  an  in  all  de  museums, 
edder  stuffed  in  a  glass  case  or  rnnnin  round  de  floor  wid  a 
string  tied  to  he  middle.  I  speck  you  begin  to  smell  sumfin 
like  a  rat  as  to  who  de  feller  am  ;  but  ef  not,  I'll  tell  you 
plump  an  squar,  widout  wishin  to  insult  you,  dat  I  wish 
to  call  your  'tention  to — 

DE    MONKEY. 

De  monkey  am  s'posed,  by  sum  ob  de  nigerent  peepils,  to 
be  de  connectin  link  atweene  de  ingin  rubber  mare  maid  dat 
belongs  to  Mr.  Barnum,  and  de  culler'd  man.  Odders  tink 
dat  dey  am  cross  grained  atweene  de  possum  and  de  kange- 

14 


314  BLACK    DIAMOND. 

roo  ;  but  my  deluded  frens,  sich  am' not  de  fack.  Dey  am 
a  stinck  race  by  deinseffs,  an  dey  iioe  too  much  for  de  wite 
man,  and  de  culler'd  man  too.  Dey  noe  nuff  to  keep  dar  jaws 
closed,  so  dey  won't  hab  to  work  an  take  care  oh  demseffa 
like  us  fellers,  an  de  way  some  ob  dem  does  fool  de  wite 
.trash  am  a  caushun  to  lawyers. 

Dar  am  sebril  kinds  ob  monkeys,  called  by  different  names, 
de  same  as  de  different  tribes  ob  ingins,  an  range  from  de  big 
rang-a-tang,  five  foot  high,  to  de  little  whinein  monkey  no 
bigger  den  a  kitten,  wid  a  tail  as  long  as  de  Pilgrim's  Pro 
gress.  Dey  am  cubber'd  wid  hair,  like  a  hair  trunk,  an  dey 
luff  dar  wiskers  grow  in  de  French  fashion.  You  muss  not 
tink  dat  dem  dandies  you  meet  in  Broadway  wid  dar  face 
cubber'd  up  with  hair  till  dey  look  like  a  rat  a  peakin  true 
a  bail  of  oakem,  am  rang-a-tangs,  kase  dey  aint ;  for  de  pure 
breed  hab  got  a  narrative  attached  to  dem  dat  dese  dandies 
wouldn't  fatig  demseffs  to  carry  round,  less  it  war  fashuna- 
ble  ;  but  I  tink  dey  am  radder  shamed  ob  demseffs,  for  look 
ing  so  much  like  a  big  monkey,  an  for  fear  dat  sensable 
peepil  will  take  dem  for  de  pure  speches,  dey  had  dar  coats 
cut  off  as  short  as  posable,  jis  to  luff  all  de  world  see  dat 
dey  hab  not  got  a  tail.  Ef  de  tailors  war  to  cut  dar  coats 
longer,  menny  dat  now  pass  for  human  beins  would  be  in 
fear  to  lemenade  de  treet,  leest  de  show  shop  man  kotch  an 
kage  dem. 

But  dey  needn't  bin  a  fraid,  kase  dey  wood  be  foun  ob  a 
tirely  different  speeshes  from  de  monkey  as  soon  as  dar  high 
coat  collar  were  turned  down  fishently  to  show  dar  ears. 
Now  you  noe  de  reeson  dat  de  dandies  wares  de  high  collar 
and  de  short  tail  coat. 

De  monkey  am  de  moss  decetful  of  all  human  nature. 
When  you  got  your  eye  on  him,  you'd  tink  butter  wouldn't 
melt  in  he  mouf  ;  bat  de  minnet  your  back  am  turned,  ho 


THE    MONKEY.  315 

am  cuttin  up  de  old  debil  hesseff.  His  face  am  so  full  ob 
ingin-rubber  dat  you  can't  tell  wedder  he  am  a*  cryin  or  a 
laffin,  widout  a  close  specshun  ob  de  muzzels.  When  dey 
am  dressed  up  in  man's  or  wimmen's  close,  dey  look  so  much 
like  de  culler'd  poperlashun  dat  it  makes  a  darkey  mad  to 
look  at  him.  But  den  dey  needn't  feel  dat  way,  kase  dar 
muss  be  a  line  drawn,  an  a  conneckshun  link  sumwhar. 

De  monkey  infek  de  souffern  reegons  ob  de  atmosfere, 
todder  side  ob  de  equinoxtail  line,  an  am  found  in  large  com 
munities  round  Cape  Cod,  an  dar  dey  lib  wid  as  much  inde 
pendence  as  de  Mormons,  an  like  dem  hab  as  menny  wibes 
as  dey  like.  Dey  hab  a  king  mong  dem,  who  hab  as  much 
rite  to  rule  his  tribe  as  de  ill-begotten  neffew  ob  his  unkle 
hab  to  rule  obber  France. 

History  sez  dat  wen  de  monkeys  git  too  menny  for  de 
wite  peepil  dat  lib  whar  dey  am,  an  wen  it  becums  danger 
ous  for  a  spectable  female  to  lebe  her  home  for  feer  ob  bein 
nocked  doun  by  dem,  den  the  wite  folks  go  hunt  dem,  but 
dey  am  too  full  ob  de  injin  rubber  an  telemgraffick  fluid  to  be 
kotched.  Den  de  wites  resort  to  cullerd  man's  cunningness  to 
stroy  dem.  Dey  git  a  dozen  baskets  an  fill  dem  wid  rice  an 
'lassus,  an  set  em  doun  ;bout  a  hundred  yards  apart  long  de 
road,  an  dey  lay  tree  or  four  clubs  long  side  ob  de  baskits. 
Den  de  wite  folks  hide  demseffs  away.  Putty  soon  de  monkeys 
smell  de  rice,  an  cum  out  ob  de  woods  arter  it,  but  none  ob 
dem  dar  go  nie  to  it,  an  dar  they  stand  for  a  hour  chatterin 
jis  like  Kongress  men  obber  de  spiles  ob  office.  Well,  bime 
by  de  lady  monkeys  bein  more  feerless  den  de  ress,  go  up  to 
de  baskets  to  eat  de  rice,  an  to  scure  it  to  demseffs  dey  grab 
a  club.  Den  de  ole  he  fellers  rush  upon  dem  like  a  hawk 
on  a  chicken,  to  take  it  from  dem,  an  dey  grab  anudder 
club,  an  den  a  fite  begins,  an  ginerly  one  haff  am  killed  or 
babby  wounded,  so  dat  dey  can  be  kotched  an  tried.  Dese 


316  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

facks  make  me  tink  dat  dey  am  like  de  politishuus  ob  de 
day,  kase  jis  sich  fites  am  goin  on  'bout  de  gubberrnent  pap, 
but  de  fite  am  all  wind  wid  dese  latter  fellers  ;  but  dey  try 
to  termenate  one  anudder,  an  dey  try  it  putty  hard  in  de 
Six. Ward,  but  dey  all  seem  to  come  off  second  bess. 

I  cood  tell  you  a  good  menny  naimygotes  'bout  de  mon 
key,  but  I  hab  kept  you  out  ob  your  beds  too  long  now. 
James  Arlington  Goff  Tappin  Johnson,  pleese  pass  round 
de  sasser. 


LECTURE   XCV. 

POMPEY'S   WEDDING. 

(A  Fact.) 

DELITED  LAMS — 

HERE  I  is  agin,  feelin  as  fresh  as  a  noreaster,  but  I 
hope  to  be  less  cuttin.  My  'fections  am  as  strong  as  a  lo 
comotive  fur  you,  and  as  warm  as  free  o'clock  in  dog  days  ; 
and  notwithstandin  I  buse  you  sumtimes  fur  tc  make  you 
better,  my  hart  clings  to  you  like  molasses  to  a  ruff  stick. 
I  say  dis  on  dis  caishun,  not  so  much  to  raise  a  big  collect; 
shun,  as  to  luff  off  de  honest  feelin  dat  lays  hid  under  de 
leff  side  ob  dis  worn  out  west-cote. 

Since  de  lass  time  I  had  de  pleasure  ob  distressin  you  frum 
dis  old  nostrdm  or  desk,  I  hab  seen  a  little  fun.  I've  bin  to 
a  weddin  way  out  in  dat  kountry  ob  clam-shells  and  ledder 
chips — Jersey.  I  wont  tell  you  whose  bin  a  gittin  married, 
till  I  tell  you  how  I  was  fooled  out  ob  de  job. 

De  odder  Saturday  nite,  Anty  Clawson  and  me — me  and 


POMPEY'S  WEDDING.  317 

Anty  hab  made  all  up  agin,  and  I  am  aguane  back  dar  to 
lib  ;  we  cum  to  a  neutral  understandin  'bout  tings ;  I 
am  to  hab  pan-kakes  de  same  day  dey  am  cooked  ;  de 
clam  flitters  am  to  hab  clams  in  dem  ;  de  coughfee  am  to  be 
trong  nuff  to  run  on  all  caishuns,  and  clear  itself  out ;  dere- 
fore  I  tink  I  will  hab  less  grounds  to  find  fault  wid  ;  and 
anudder  ting  am,  de  gutta  percha  steaks  and  doe-nuts  am 
to  be  pounded  afore  dey  cum  on  de  table,  to  sabe  jaw 
bone  exercise. 

Well,  as  I  was  sayin,  me  and  Anty  Clawson  WHS  agwane 
fru  Senter  Market  at  a  late  hour,  in  order  to  git  tings 
cheap,  when  who  shood  I  spi  wid  a  tin  kettle  but  Br  udder 
Pompy  and  Brudder  Reigh,  a  standin  at  a  clam  stand,  a 
gittiu  dere  kittles  full.  I  tort  frum  de  looks  ob  Pompy  dat 
sumfin  'straordiuary  wus  gwane  on,  kase  he  looked  full  nuff 
ob  happyness  to  bust.  Ebery  now  and  den  he'd  swaller  a 
raw  clam  hole.  Tinks  I  to  myseff,  inside  my  hed,  Pompy 
muss  be  in  lub,  and  am  habbin  a  little  Fourth  ob  July  to 
heseff,  so  I  called  he  frend  aside,  and  I  axed -him  what's  de 
matter  wid  Pompy. 

"  Don't  you  noe  ?"  sed  he. 

"  No,"  sed  I. 

"  Well,  den,"  sed  he,  "  Pompy  am  gwane  to  git  married 
to  Sister  Martha  Maria,  on  Monday  morning,  at  Coggys- 
vill,  nie  to  Patterson,  and  he  am  now  gittin  a  few  clams 
fur  de  weddin  brakefast. 

I  wus  damfounded,  to  tink  how  de  outdatious  Pompy  dare 
do  sich  a  ting,  and  not  let  me  noe  it ;  not  ebin  gib  he  old 
shepherd  de  job  ;  but  I  dident  say  nufin  to  nobody,  and  no 
body  did  so  to  me,  but  when  Monday  cum,  I  gis  took  de  de 
pot  and  went  to  Coggysvill,  gis  to  see  ef  it  wus  true. 
When  I  ribed,  de  ceremony  wus  ober,  but  matrimony  wus 
dar  in  all  its  glory.  Julius  was  dar,  too,  and  he  made  no 


318  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  bones"  in  inducin  me  to  de  family.  De  bride  looked  splen 
diferous  ;  her  eyes  shine  like  stars'  in  de  furninence  afore 
daylite  in  de  mornin,  and  she  blushed  like  a  biled  lobster 
when  I  shook  her  lubly  hand.  Pompy  wus  all  out  on  de 
caishun  ;  blue  buttoned  brass  cote,  wid  high-heeled  shirt- 
collar,  pink  vest,  red  crawat,  and  odder  fixins.  He  wus  as 
full  ob  animation  as  a  skruce  beer  bottle,  and  seemed  as 
redy  to  go  off.  I  wns  doun  on  him  fur  not  luffin  me  noe 
about  it,  but  he  polegized  and  sed  it  wus  de  bride's  wish,  so 
ob  course  I  wus  like  de  feller  dat  wus  cotched  in  de  act,  I 
hadn't  a  word  to  say  fur  myself.  I  wus  vited  to  stay  to  dinner, 
and  I  tell  you  what,  we  had  a  first-rate  programe  :  clam 
soup,  fried  clams,  clam  pie,  and  odder  tings  in  season,  in  de 
greatest  confusion. 

But  de  fun  dident  kommence  till  arter  dinner.  As  soon 
as  de  table  wus  clared  off,  de  flo  wus  clared  fur  a  dance. 
Brudder  Reigh  took  doun  dat  good  old  fiddle,  Brudder 
Pompey  siezed  his  tamborine,  and  Brudder  Julius  took  up 
his  bones,  and  den  de  music  begin  to  ring  out  on  de  air, 
and  sich  music — it  was  sweet  nuff  to  make  de  angels  stop  on 
dere  errants  ob  mercy  and  listen  to  it  frum  de  clouds.  We 
all  danced  to  our  harts'  contents.  Fust  we  had  de  Scotch- 
ich,  den  we  had  de  elbow-lord-o,  den  de  resowair,  den  cum  de 
pole-cat,  den  de  cowtilion,  and  den  de  jigs  on  all  fours.  We 
..  danced  till  you'd  a  tort  hebin  and  arf  was  a  cummin  toged- 
der.  We  swassaged  up  and  doun,  lemonaded  all  round,  and 
when  dat  was  ober,  clam-soup  was  serbed,  wid  crackers  and 
skruce  beer.  At  sum  weddins  dey  gub  you  Hidesick  wine,  • 
but  we  had  stomacksick  skruce  beer  which  am  jist  as  good 
in  fly  time.  When  we  had  done  wid  all  dat,  we  marched 
to  de  railrode  in  single  file,  two  by  two,  whar  we  ribed  jist 
fibe  minutes  afore  de  depot  left,  and  home  we  cum  in  de  for 
ward  deck,  a  singin  all  de  way.  When  we  cum  fru  de  tun- 


POJIPEY'S  WEDDING.  819 

nel,  eberybody  tort  dey  heer  de  car  brake  doun,  but  it  wus 
only  Pompy  and  Martha  Maria  a  kissin  radder  strong,  Dey 
boff  survived,  but  de  shock  wus  radder  too  much  fur  a  maiden 
lady  in  lielock  pmk  silk,  who  pertended  to  faint  in  a  young 
Irishman's  arms.  I  ribed  home  safe  wid  de  rest,  kase  dat 
dident  happen  to  be  de  day  fur  de  rail-rode  axidents. 

Pompy  hab  gone  to  Bohucken  on  a  weddin  tour,  and  he 
writes  me  by  de  furrin  male  dat  he 's  as  happy  as  a  hog  in 
an  apple  bin  at  a  sider  mill,  and  I  sincerely  wish  you  war 
all  as  happy  as  Pompy  and  he  young  bride.  Ef  you  should 
meet  Martha  Maria  at  enny  time,  don't  look  squint-eyed 
and  noein  at  her,  kase  none  ob  you  don't  noe  what  you  may 
cum  to  yet  ;  and  above  all,  keep  dark. 

De  kongregashun  will  pleese  sing  de  usual  ducksholiday 
as  soon  as  Brudder  Porter  takes  up  de  colleckshun.  Brud- 
Pierce  will  lede  de  trubble.  Brudder  George  De  Barren- 
tone  and  little  Johnny  may  turn  de  hand  organ  on  dis  por 
tant  caishun  Sister  Jemima  Ducklegs  will  lead  de  alltoes. 


320  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 


LECTURE  XCVI. 

A  HARD  SUBJECT. 

ITCLITEND  SINNERS — 

DE  subjick  dat  I  chose  fur  lucidashun  dis  time,  am 
one  ob  de  herdest,  when  it  am  cooked  in  a  proper  way,  ob 
enny  I  hab  as  yet  tempted  to  exasperate  to  you.  It  am  so 
common  to  you  all,  dat  I  noe  you  look  'pon  it  as  beneaf 
your  notice,  but  nebber  de  less,  it  will  serbe  as  an  instrument 
to  beat  nolege  into  your  tick  heds.  I  derefore  will  call 
your  'tenshun  to  de 

BRICKBAT. 

which  I  lay  'pon  de  desk.  Now  you  will  all  be  mity  aston 
ished  when  I  tell  you  dat  dis  brick,  ruff  and  onsmoff  as  it 
am,  am  gis  as  good  as  you  am,  and  in  some  instances,  a 
good  deal  better,  fur  it  kan't  commit  enny  sin  nor  nuisances. 
It  am  made  ob  de  same  matereal  as  you  is,  and  de  only 
difference  dat  I  can  see,  am  de  fack  dat  de  brick  hab  bin  put 
fru  de  fiery  furnace  afore  it  am  a  brick,  and  you  fellers  hab 
yet  got  to  go  fru  de  brimstone.  De  Samest  sez  dat  human 
natur 

"  Made  us  ob  clay  and  formed  us  man," 

don't  it  ?  Well,  what  difference  to  dat  am  a  brick  made  ? 
Don't  de  man  in  brick-kill  make  it  ob  clay,  and  form  it 
brick  ?  Well  den,  whats  de  inference  ?  Why,  dat  de  man  am 
as  good  as  de  brick,  and  dat  some  men  am  bricks,  and  nothin 
shorter.  Bricks  and  mankind  am  closer  connected  den  mose 


A    HARD    SUBJECT.  321 

people  wood  at  first  consebe.  De  brick  hab  stood  his  frend 
aginst  wind  and  wedJer  fur  centeries,  and  notwidstandin  it 
am  gittin  de  cold  sliolder  ob  de  berry  class  it  hab  proteckted 
fur  ages,  sence  de  rage  fur  wite  marble  hab  set  in,  and  de 
brown  granite  hab  become  fashunable,  still  it  finds  a  bery 
prominent  place  in  all  sibilized  kountries. 

De  brickbat  follows  sibilizashun  as  fast  as  a  hungry  dog 
wood  a  piece  ob  raw  meat  tied  to  a  bull's  tail — in  fact,  sibili 
zashun  seems  to  karry  it  wid  her  whareber  she  goes  ;  fur  as 
soon  as  she  steps  her  foot  in  a  kountry,  bricks  seem  to  start 
out  ob  4e  ground.  You  may  no  more  speck  to  find  de  brick 
'mong  sabage  nashuns,  den  you  mout  speck  to  see  de  works 
ob  Samuel  Shakespere  'predated  in  a  hog  pen.  Derefore  I 
say  unto  you,  suspect  de  brickbat  as  a  friend  ob  dose  two 
sweet  sisters,  Peace  and  Sibilizashun.  I  noe  you  am  reddy 
to  say  dey  ain't  always  found  'mong  de  peaceful  and  sibilized, 
kase  dey  am  found  in  all  kinds  ob  rows  at  'lecshun  fites. 
But  my  frens,  ef  dey  am  found  flyin  'bout  like  fedders  in  a 
gale  ob  wind  in  de  Six  Ward  sumtimes,  am  dat  de  fault  ob 
de  bricks  ?  Ob  corse  not  ;  it  am  de  fault  ob  de  men,  as  Judge 
Bigbean  said  when  he  heard  de  lass  case  ob  seduckshun,  and 
his  'pinion  wood  hab  bin  considered  gis  as  good  as  law,  ef  de 
Jury  hadent  a  spilt  it  by  layin  de  whole  blame  'pon  de  plain- 
tif,  which,  in  dis  partickler  case,  wus  a  woman  in  loose  slebes 
and  looser  morals. 

We  am  all  too  apt  to  look  doun  'pon  folks  dat  cum  frum 
gis  as  good  stuff  as  we  did.  Whars  de  difference,  I  ax  you 
agin,  atwene  de  man  and  de  brick  ?  When  man  was  formed 
out  ob  de  clay,  a  nose  and  a  mouf  wus  put  'pon  him,  and  de 
bref  ob  life  wus  blown  in  it,  and  he  jumped  up  reddy  to  start 
a  newspaper.  Spose  de  same  ting  had  bin  done  to  de  brick  f 
woodent  he  bin  gis  as  good  as  we  ?  Ob  corse  he  wood. 
Don't  we,  when  boff  ob  us  hab  becum  useless  to  de  world, 

14* 


322  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

return  to  brick  dust  ?  Ob  corse  we  do.  Well,  den,  who 
'raong  de  greatest  foolosefers  dat  eber  cramed  his  hed  wid 
nolege,  kan  see  de  difference  ?  Kot  one,  my  frens,  derefore 
dat  pint  am  settled. 

De  brick  am  a  useful  ting,  and  seems  to  be  thort  ob  more 
den  menny  tings  possessin'  more  beauty  and  rale  worth. 
Sum  men  am  so  covetious  ob  dem,  dat  dey  take  home  a  hat 
full  almoss  ebery  night. 

Dere  am  a  man  dat  libs  'pon  de  fust  floor  'bove  me,  dat 
muss  hab  a  room  full  by  dis  time,  fur  he  hab  bin  berry 
industrious  a  bringin  dem  home.  Sumtimes  he  has  a  bigger 
lode  on  den  odders,  and  den  his  hat  am  so  heaby,  it  makes 
him  stagger  like  a  puukin  on  de  end  ob  a  rattan  stick.  I 
don't  noe  what  he  dus  wid  dem,  as  I  neber  see  him  bring 
enny  ob  dem  out.  Once  a  cart  backed  up  in  front  ob  de  house, 
and  I  specked  to  see  a  hole  lode  go  Vay,  but  not  a  brick 
cum  out — all  de  cart  took,  wus  ashes  frum  de  barrel  on  de. 
walk. 

When  old  Hipopotomus  de  Greek  foolosefer,  came  frum 
Ireland,  and  seen  a  brick  fur  the  fust  time,  he  spent  six 
weeks  and  a  fortnight  a  tryin  to  find  which  way  de  grain  run  ; 
but  as  he  coodent  find  out,  it  went  aginst  his  grain  to  work 
enny  longer,  and  so  he  bandoned  de  job,  hopin  dat  C.  Ed 
wards  Lester  might  detect  it,  wid  de  rest  ob  his  mares  nest, 
and  publish  de  result  ob  his  resarches  wid  his  attack  'pon 
Presemdent  Pierce  in  de  Lundon  Times  ;  but  as  yet  he  ain't 
told  de  London  people  nofin  'bout  it. 

I  wood  tell  you  how  de  brick  am  made  ef  I  cood.  I 
went  to  a  brick-yard  wid  dat  'tenshun,  but  as  I  found  I 
wood  hab  to  bring  de  hole  yard,  kill  and  all,  wid  me  to  do  so, 
I  'eluded  dat  it  wood  be  easier  fur  you  to  go  to  de  yard  dan 
fur  me  to  bring  it  along.  I  axed  de  man  which  he  tort  wus 
de  moss  perfect  bricks,  and  he  sed  49's  fel'ors.  Wid  dis 


THE   FLEA.  323 

startling  information  ringin  in  your  long  ears,  I  will  cave  in 
fur  de  ebenin,  as  soon  as  Sister  Angelina  Sofaria  Abgil 
Jinkins  passes  'round  de  sasser — and  while  she  am  doin  de 
same,  I  will  state  dat  I  nebber  wus  haff  in  need  ob  frens 
and  dimes  as  I  am  on  dis  'portant  caishun. 


LECTURE  XCVII. 

THE    FLEA. 
FOUL   AND    FAIR    SEX 

I  RISE  to  nite  full  ob  fried  clams  and  spurior  nolege 
fur  your  edicashun.  De  clams  I  got  at  Anty  Clawson's, 
and  de  nologe  I  got  frum  books  and  'sperience,  during  my 
sojourn,  or  sogerin  (gis  as  you  mind  to  call  it),  in  dis 
wicked  world,  and  whale  ob  tears. 

-  Fried  clams  am  berry  good  in  dere  place,  and  dere  place 
am  in  de  stumjack  ob  de  human  body.  But  oh,  my  poor 
ignumrunt  frens,  nolege  am  better.  Clams  puff  you  up,  and 
make  you  feel  mity  big  in  your  pusson — but  nolege  goes  to 
de  hed,  and  de  more  you  hab  ob  it,  de  lighter  it  seems — de 
more  you  noe,  de  less  you  tink  you  noe.  Clams  vanish  in  a 
day,  but  nolege  sticks  in  your  head  like  a  chesnut  bur  to  a 
cow's  tail.  Derefore  you  see  de  tilulity  ob  fillin  de  hed  as 
well  as  de  stomjack. 

My  useal  unquenchable  thirst  fur  nolege  hab  led  me  to 
contemplate  sum  tings  fur  splainvficashun  dis  ebenin,  dat 
may  strike  'pon  your  emty  nolege  boxes  as  bein  queer. 

I  shall  introcumduce  to  your  notice  on  dis  'portant  cai 
shun,  one  ob  de  liveliest  and  most  industrious  fellers  in  dis 


324  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

kommunity,  and  one  which  I  noe  you  hab  spent  hours  in 
constant  sarch  arter,  so  curious  was  you  to  find  'em.  I 
shall  derefore,  widout  leaf  or  licence,  tell  you  all  I  noe  'bout 

DE   FLEA. 

De  flea,  my  frens,  am  one  ob  de  most  curious  suckers  in 
de  world,  as  his  history  will  fully  probe.  He  belongs  to  de 
species  ob  de  politishun,  de  elemfent,  de  grasshopper,  de 
porkepine,  and  de  soger  man. 

Dere  am  nobody  nose  'zactly  whar  he  cum  frum,  nor 
whar  he  am  a  gwane  to — but  ebery  body  nose  when  he  am 
present,  and  dats  all  dey  noe  'bout  him. 

When  Mr.  Noah  bilt  he  Ark,  and  took  in  a  hemale  and 
shemale  ob  ebery  kind  ob  beast  and  fowls,  he  muss  hab  for 
got  to  take  de  flea  abord,  or  else  de  picture  books  lies  like 
a  Jew-pedler,  kase  I've  bin  a  sarchin  dem  all  ober  fur  to 
find  him  'mong  de  odder  animals  agoin  in  de  Ark,  and  he 
ain't  dar. 

Derefore  it  am  naturally  infused  dat  Massa  Noah  eder 
dident  want  to  be  trubbled  wid  de  costomer,  or  else  he 
coodent  kotch  him  to  take  aboard.  I  guess  finally  he  was- 
ent  dar  at  all,  kase  in  all  de  'counts  I  hab  read  'bout  dat 
xpedishun  ob  Massa  Noah  wid  de  Ark,  I  neber  see  his  name 
menshuned.  Den  de  natural  inquiry  am — whar  did  he  cum 
frum  ?  I  will  tell  you.  He  cum  out  ob  de  saw-dust,  fur  it 
am  a  well  none  fac,  which  almoss  ebery  carpenter  and  odder 
foolosfers  will  tell  you,  ef  dey  nose  it,  dat  hemlock  saw-dust 
will  breed  fleas.  Ef  you  fill  a  little  bag  wid  saw-dust  and 
luff  it  lay  whar  de  sun  and  rain  will  hab  full  power  'pon  it, 
you  will  see  de  liveliest  bag  in  'bout  free  weeks,  dat  you  eber 
seed,  and  as  far  at  a  distance  as  you  kan  keep  frum  it,  de 
better  it  will  be  fur  your  peace  and  quietness, 

I  say  dese  tings  unto  you,  me  myseff.     I  said  de  flea  be- 


THE    FLEA.  325 

longed  to  de  specie  Politishuu.  Wharefore  ?  you  will  ax  ;  I 
will  splain.  De  politishun  and  de  flea  am  alike,  kase  you 
don't  noe  whar  to  find  eder  ob  dem.  Dey  bop,  skip,  and 
jump  'bout  so,  dat  dere  am  no  putting  your  finger  on  eder 
ob  dem.  De  politishun  hab  bin  none  to  jump  frum  one 
platform  to  anudder,  and  show  as  astonishin  agility  as  de 
flea  dare  do.  See  de  infrence  ! 

He  am  like  de  elemfant,  kase  he  karries  a  trunk,  and  dis 
trunk  ob  his,  am  what  he  uses  as  a  suckshun  hose  to  suck  dc 
blood  ob  us  poor  mortals — he  runs  it  in  de  pours  ob  de  skin, 
gis  like  de  fireman  puts  his  suckshun  hoses  into  de  water,  and 
den  he  goes  to  work,  and  ginerly  lebes  wid  his  trunk  full  ob 
de  licker  ob  life.  He  am  fifty  times  stronger  den  de  eleni- 
fint,  kase  he  kan  jump  more  den  a  hundred  times  he  lenf, 
and  dats  what  de  elemfant  kan't  do  no  how  he  can  fix  it. 
Woodent  Mister  Elemfent  look  nice  a  tryin  to  jump  ober 
Trinity  Church  ?  What  a  row  it  wood  kick  up  in  Broad 
way  !  Woodent  folks  stare  ? 

De  jumpin  qualities  ob  de  flea  brings  him  in  de  family  ob 
de  grasshopper  as  near  as  fifty-first  cousin.  What  makes 
him  a  relashun  to  de  porkempine,  am  de  fac  dat  I  discub- 
bered  fru  de  Tell-lie-scope,  and  dat  am,  dat  his  body  anc 
cubbered  all  ober  wid  little  squills  at  de  jints  which  stick 
up  sharp  like  pints  ob  needles — and  de  reason  why  he  am 
like  a  soger  man,  am  bekase  his  hole  body  am  cubbered 
olter  wid  a  coat  ob  mail,  made  in  jints,  gis  like  de  old  soger 
coats  ob  male  wus  made  afore  de  dragoon  killed  Saint 
George,  ober  dar  in  Ireland. 

De  flea  am  a  happy  feller,  and  seems  to  enjoy  his  Jimnas- 
tick  exercises  as  much  as  de  fellers  in  silk  tights  and  shirts, 
who  make  a  libin  by  tumblin  in  de  circus  on  a  piece  ob 
second-hand  carpet. 

In  moral  principal  de  flea  am  a  scoundrel  in  ebery  sense 


326  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

ob  de  word.  He  has  no  compuukshun  in  attackin  his  euemy 
when  he  am  asleep,  and  two  fleas  will  keep  a  feller  on  a 
spring  bed  all  nite,  and  worry  him  almoss  to  deff.  He  is  a 
backbiter  ob  de  worst  character,  and  deserbes  all  de  smash- 
ins  he  gits  frum  eberybody.  Dere  am  little  none  regardin 
his  moral  character,  as  nobody  kan  keep  his  company  long 
enuff  to  find  it  out.  It  am  not  none  wedder  he  belebes  in 
de  mariage  tie.  He  may  be  infabor  ob  temperance,  but  I'll 
be  sworn  on  de  almanack  dat  he  will  take  a  nip  when- 
eber  he  kan  git  de  chance.  Dus  endef  de  chapter. 

Dere  will  be  a  meetin  ob  de  society  fur  loungin  'round  de 
Park  Fountain  and  de  coal  boxes  on  de  corners,  in  dis  room 
on  Saturday  nite  nex,  to  take  into  'siderashun  de  necessity 
ob  providen  winter  quarters. 

De  komitee  appinted  to  foller  de  sogers,  nie  de  band,  will 
report  on  dat  caishun.  Dere  duties  hab  bin  berry  great  fur 
de  lass  few  days,  as  de  soger  companies  am  berry  prebelent 
gis  now,  and  dey  stand  in  need  ob  new  boots. 

De  kommittee  pinted  by  dis  kongregasun  to  see  what 
kind  ob  'bacco  I  chaw,  and  what  kind  ob  coffee  I  drink,  will 
report  as  soon  as  dey  confer  wid  de  Bishop  Doane  Commit 
tee.  Luff  em  cum  to  question  me  on  dem  pints,  dats  all. 

Will  Brudder  Jemes  Jai'gon  Bennet  please  pass  round  de 
sasser  dis  time.  He  hab  bin  away  so  long  dat  all  he  frens 
will  like  a  peep  at  him. 


REFLECTIONS   ON    POLITICS. 


LECTURE  XCYIII. 

REFLECTIONS  ON   POLITICS. 

FELLOW  CITIZANS — 

As  de  'lecshum  am  all  ober,  and  tings  hab  taken  a  dif 
ferent  turn  to  what  dey  used  to  wns,  I  tink  it  am  time  I  had 
a  few  words  to  spoke  to  de  wite  folks  bout  demseffs — tings 
am  gittin  to  sich.  a  pitch — derefore  I  will  call  dis  lectur  de 

SECOND    PISTOL   TO    DE    NEW    YORKERS. 

I  shall  on  dis  'tickler  'caishun  diwide  my  subject  into  seb- 
ril  pieces,  like  de  Yankees  dos  de  turkey  at  home  at  Tanks- 
gibbin  time,  and  like  Rusha  wants  to  do  abroad. 

Fustly — Arter  lookin  abroad  on  de  university  ob  natur, 
and  see  how  tings  grow  up  in  dis  world,  it  makes  me  laff  to 
corntemplate  de  prisumpshun  ob  you  New  Yorkers.  You 
tink  you  nose  more  den  odder  folks — so  you  do  frum  your 
gutters.  You  tink  you  got  de  puttiest  city  in  de  kountry — 
so  you  hab  ef  you  take  de  dirt  out  ob  it,  and  extract  sum 
ob  de  sass  frum  your  omnibus  drivers. 

Secondly — You  tink  bekase  you  hab  a  free  skule  on  ebery 
corner,  dat  your  wisdom  am  more  'sperior  and  solid  den  your 
nubors'. 

Thirdly— We'll  see  'bout  dat. 

Fourthly — You  hab  gone  and  turned  out  twenty  faithful 
sufferers  fur  de  cities  good,  and  upset  de  tea  room  and  spilt 
all  de  tea  frum  de  dummyjohns,  gis  bekase  dey  stole  de  pe- 
pil's  money,  and  now  you  hab  gone  and  poled  in  sixty  odder 


328  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

fellers,  who  will  steal  gis  forty  times  as  much,  bekase  iusted 
ob  dere  bein  atey  hans  to  poke  into  de  public  meal-bag,  dere 
will  now  be,  'cordin  to  de  rule  ob  tree  in  Dave  Ball's  rufma- 
tic,  gis  one  hundred  and  fifty.  I  suffered  dat  up  all  by  my 
self,  on  de  hed  ob  a  *barl  wid  a  piece  ob  stick  lass  Sunday 
mornin  on  de  warf.  Now  ef  you  call  dat  wisdom,  I'd  like  to 
know  what  price  de  teachers  in  de  free  skules  git  a  monf  for 
dissemblin  edicashun  and  uolege  fru  de  pepil.  Common 
sense  mout  hab  teached  de  sober  second  thoughts  ob  de  wite 
folks  dat  sixty  lofers  wus  more  xspensif  to  keep  'pon  public 
pap  den  forty  wood  be,  kase  dey  am  all  such  big  eaters. 

Sixly — Whar  am  all  de  money  cumin  frum,  to  keep  all 
dese  fellers  ?  Whar  will  dey  all  bord  ?  De  tea  room  am 
busted  ;  de  Sitty  Hall  aint  big  'nuff  to  'commodate  dem, 
and  derefore  dey'll  have  to  sleep  in  de  Stashun  House.  Now 
don't  you  all  tiuk,  on  taken  a  retrograde  aspeck  of  tings, 
dat  you  deserbe  a  big  club  wid  a  bladder  on  de  end  ob  it, 
ober  your  heds  ? 

Ninely — I  do,  ef  you  don't. 

Fifely — You  New  Yorkers  don't  noe  more  den  you  ort  to, 
no  how,  and  de  wust  ob  it  am,  you  won't  lern.  When  Mr. 
Kowshoot,  or  Cowsnout,  or  whateber  his  name  wus,  de  Hun 
gry  un,  cum  here  like  Yankee  Doodle,  wid  a  fedder  in  his 
hat,  a  ridin  on  a  pony,  you  formed  yourseffs  into  a  kurmittee 
ob  de  hole,  and  you  tort  you'd  make  pollytical  capitol  out 
ob  him.  You  flocked  to  see  him,  and  ass-corted  him  tru  de 
streets  all  in  your  soger  close,  eber  so  nice.  You  guv  him 
dinners  and  suppers,  tree  or  four  times  a  day — made  speech 
es  and  punches,  and  killed  ostrages  at  ebery  meal  you  ate — 
drinked,  danced  and  blovved  up  de  xcitement  till  you  tort 
you  had  him  all  moulded  to  your  purpose.  You  got  dollar 
sartificates  printed,  for  which  you  neber  paid  till  dis  day, 
and  sold  euny  quantity,  which  munny,  togedder  wid  de  tou- 


REFLECTIONS    OX    POLITICS.  329 

sand  dollars  and  firty-one  cents  Brudder  Greely  gub  him 
frum  de  pocket  ob  his  old  white  cote,  he  quietly  took,  and 
insted  ob'sain  my  name  am  Hains,  as  de  feller  did  to  Massa 
Jefferson,  he  said,  "  my  name  am  Elick  Snuff,"  and  sloped — 
or  else  he  sed,  "my  name  am  Elick  Slope,"  and  smiffed,  I 
forgit  now  which,  but  it  matters  not,  as  de  tragedy  man  al 
ways  say. 

Twelfly — As  soon  as  you  found  you  coodent  use  him,  you 
all  went  to  work  to  blygurd  him  ;  all  de  papers  cum  out 
aginst  him,  and  am  still  heapin  insult  'pon  his  name,  gis  be- 
kase  he  node  too  much  fur  de  holl  pack  ob  you. 

Sebenfly — Deres  anudder  feller  comin  dat  you  want  to 
ass-afy  gis  de  same,  so  you  kan  speechefy  and  git  into  de 
dinner,  and  git  de  dinners  into  you.  His  name  am  Kostza, 
or  Cotchta,  and  am  anudder  Hungry-un,  who  am  willin  to 
live  and  die  one.  You  ain't  satisfied  ob  makin  asses  ob 
yourseffs  once,  but  want  to  do  de  same  likewise  agin  also. 
You  want  to  get  up  a  public  reception  to  show  off  your  so- 
ger  cloze,  and  set  de  tax  payers  a  swearin.  Ebery  Council 
man  wants  to  make  a  speech  for  Buncum,  and  only  tink  ob 
sixty  4th  ob  July  speeches  to  him  in  de  middle  ob  winter, 
while  putty  and  peanuts  am  on  de  riz  daily. 

Thirdly — I'm  disgusted  wid  you  ! 

Ately — You  send  men  abroad  to  brag  ob  your  sitty,  and 
den  luff  your  own  ackshuns  belie  ebery  word  your  furrin  cor- 
rispondents  say — you  are  a  money  seekin  pack  a  set,  and 
you  don't  noe  nufin  else.  Siauce  am  a  dead  letter  to  you, 
and  I  mite  lectur  till  I'm  wite  in  de  face,  and  you  woodent 
noe  nufin  'bout  it  den.  You  got  your  pollyticks  '"all  in  a 
snarl,  so  dat  a  man  wid  kommon  gumpshun,  don't  noe  who's 
who,  nor  which  am  what.  De  Free  Soilers  say  dey  am  Soft 
— soft  free  soil  means  mud,  derefore  dem  fellers  muss  go  fur 
muddy  street.-:.  De  Hards  I  spose  wood  hab  iron  houses, 


330  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

iron  pavements,  iron  bosses  and  iron  konshences.  I  don't 
noe  nufin  'bout  dem  myseff,  kase  I  ain't  no  pollytick,  no 
how.  I  wns  standin,  on  'leckshun  day,  a  readin  a*  'leckshun 
bill,  wid  an  arm  on  it  wid  a  hammer  irt  de  hand,  dat  nom 
inated  a  lawyer  fur  some  orfice,  and  was  a  tinkin  what  dat 
workiu  man's  arm  had  to  do  wid  a  lawyer  dat  wanted  a 
place,  when  a  wite  man  sung  out  to  me,  "  Say,  Julius,  am 
you  a  Hard  or  Soft  ?"  I  submit,  I  didn't  noe  his  full  mean- 
in,  so  I  told  him  "  boof." 

"  How  kan  dat  be  ?"  sed  he,  right  back. 

"  Why,"  sez  I,  "  I'm  hard  'bout  de  heel  and  hed,  and  soft 
'bout  de  hart  and  shin." 

"  Well,  what  ticket  am  you  gwane  to  vote  ?"  axed  he, 
again  foolin  me. 

"  I  only  wote  one  way,"  sez  I. 

"  Which  way  am  dat  ?"  sed  he. 

"  Fur  higher  sallary,"  sez  I. 

"  Do  you  tink  you'll  git  a  majority  ?"  sez  he. 

"  I  don't  want  none  ob  dem  fellers,"  sez  I  ;  "  I  only  want 
my  wages  raised  ;"  and  dats  de  text  I  want  you  all  to  'sid- 
der  'pon  on  your  way  home  to-nite. 

Fourthly  and  lastly — You  Yorkers  bild  high  church  ste- 
ples  ;  put  a  bank  to  burst  on  ebery  corner,  and  twelbe  tab- 
erns  on  ebery  block,  and  den  you  call  it  de  great  emporium 
ob  de  new  world.  It  mite  wid  more  truff,  be  called  de  great 
rumporium  ob  bad  licker.  Put  that  in  your  pipes  and  suck 
it  in  wid  your  'backer. 

Will  Sister  Fanny  Fern  pleese  pass  round  de  sssser.  She 
hab  got  independence  and  talents  'nuff  fur  to  do  ennyting 
dats  rite  in  de  site  ob  de  lord  and  man.  Besides,  dere  am  a 
large  number  ob  de  kongregashun  dat  wood  be  mity  glad  to 
git  a  squint  at  her. 


PROF.  HANNIBAL   GOING   ON  A  TOUR  TO    EUROPE.         331 


HIGHLY  IMPORTANT  ANNOUNCEMENT. 

PROF.  JULIUS  CAESAR  HANNIBAL  GOING  ON  A  TOUR 
TO  EUROPE. 

SREAT   MEETING. 

THE  "  Hall  ob  Siance,"  in  which  the  learned  and  distin 
guished  Prof.  Hannibal  has  held  forth  for  the  last  four 
years  was  densely  crowded  last  night  by  a  large  and  enthu 
siastic  meeting  of  his  congregation.  As  soon  as"  all  the 
candles  were  topped,  an  aged  "br udder"  arose  in  the  desk, 
and  in  a  tremulous  tone,  read  aloud  the  following  letter 
from  the  sage  and  philosopher  : 

Anty  Clawson's  Seller,  Noon-time,  April,  1854. 
BELUDED  LAMS  OB  SIT  FLOCK — 

IT  am  wid  sorrow  in  my  heart,  and  dreffu!  -<ain  in  my  limbs,  dat  I 
find  myseff  cumpell'd  to  forego  de  plea*"  .  ju  iecturin  to-nite  to  you. 
Ob  late  my  helf  hab  bin  as  poor  >  .ay  pockets,  and  ef  I  don't  git  no 
better  fass,  I'll  hab  to  tr^-  .p  (L  don't  mean  emeticly  spoken)  my 
posishun — or  as  de  preacuerman's  say,  resine-  my  call  ober  you.  De 
fac  am.  I  is  sinkin  in  helf  and  funds  daily,  and  derefore  I  rite  dis  to 
say  dat  ef  you  is  not  sassagefied,  you  kan  git  anudder  shepherd  as 
soon  as  sou  pleese,  as  I  is  'tirly  too  full  ob  rumatism  and  regret  to 
fulfil  my  duty  towards  you.  'Spectfully  yours, 

J.  CAESAR  HANNIBAL. 

On  the  readin  of  this  touching  letter  from  the  aged  Pro 
fessor,  a  young  brudder  behind  a  ruffle  shirt  and  a  large 
moustache,  arose,  and  addressed  the  congregation  in  the 
following  strain  : 


332  BLACK  DIAMONDS. 

"BRUDDERN  AND  SISTERN — 

Fur  de  fuss  time  in  my  life,  I  rise  to  speak  in  public,  but 
dis  is  sich  a  'strordinary  'caishun,  dat  I  wood  feel  as  guilty 
as  ef  I  had  stolen  a  sheep,  ef  I  war  to  set  still  and  not  gub 
my  voice  in  favor  ob  doin  sumfin  to  help  our  worthy  friend 
and  distructor,  Brudder  Hannibal.  For  de  lass  four  yeers, 
we  hab  sat  under  his  weakly  teachin,  and  all  muss  admit 
dat  he  has  unlocked  he  dark  lantern  ob  siance,  and  luffed  de 
full  lite  refulgintly  fall  'pon  our  beds.  He  hab  labored  till 
he  am  sick  wid  disease,  and  haff  ded  wid  de  rumatism. 
Derefore  I  say  unto  you,  in  de  language  ob  de  Pos'le  Napo 
leon,  '  Let's-  go  in  and  do  sumfin  fur  him  to  help  him  out  ob 
he  trubbles,'  "  saying  which,  he  used  a  very  large  white 
hankerchief  in  relieving  the  probosis,  and  sat  down. 

Then  an  aged  sister  arose  (whose  name  we  learned  to  be 
Aunty  Belcher),  and  in  a  very  animated  tone,  thus  address 
ed  the  assemblage  : 

"  Ain't  you  a  putty  set  ob  niggars,  to  luff  dat  good  ole 
man  lay  dere  in  dat  "seller,  doubled  up  like  a  jack-knife  wid 
de  rumitism,  when  you  all  got  'nuff  to  eat,  and  mor'n  'miff 
fur  your  own  good,  to  drink.  You  young  fellers  dats  got 
money  'nuff  to  go  roun  rasin  de  debil  and  eatin  fried  clams 
ebery  night,  why  don't  you  shell  out  and  do  sumfin  terable 
fur  de  ole  man  ?  I'll  bet  a  half  dollar  chunk,  dat  I  done 
more  fur  him  sence  he'm  bin  sick,  den  enny  odder  sister  in  de 
crowd — but  I  don't  go  and  blow  'mong  de  gossipers  and 
back-biters  what  I  do.  What  I  do,  I  do,  and  dats  my  bizness 
I  kan  only  say  I  blush  fur  you  all,  wid  all  de  cullar  I 
got. 

Let's  be  up  and  doin,  as  de  bumble  bee  sed  to  de  tumble 
dumb  beatle.  Much  as  I  hate  de  hull  race  ob  hemale  man, 
as  I  offin  told  de  poor  ded  and  gone  Peter  Belcher,  I'd  only 
like  to  be  a  man  fur  that  old  bennerable  man's  sake  fur  'bout 


PROF.    HANNIBAL   GOING   ON   A   TOUR   TO    EUROPE.          333 

two  days,  or  two  days  and  a  haff,  I'd  show  you  ole  slow 
coaches  wat  cood  be  done." 

She  had  scarcely  taken  a  seat,  when  a  middle  aged 
"  brtzdder  "  mounted  the  desk  and  said  : 

"LADIES  AND  GEMMON — 

I  spose  I  got  a  right  to  spoke  on  dis  question.  Ef  eny 
ob  you  doubt  it,  I'll  gis  tell  dem  smack  in  de  teef  dat  I  hab 
paid  as  much  as  eny  odder  member  ob  dis  'siety,  to  keep  de 
ole  Professor  at  our  helm.  Now  I  got  somfin  to  say  'bout 
dat  man  dat  you  will  all  deter  in  ef  you  got  common  sense. 
In  de  fuss  place  you  all  know  dat  he  hab  done  more  to  frow 
a  hello  'round  de  kullar  man,  den  eny  cullard  man  libin." 

Several  voices — "  here,  here,  good." 

Speaker—"  Shut  your  mouf,  or  I  will  mine — it  don't 
make  no  difference  to  me  which  closes,  only  I  won't  be  in 
terrupted.  I  wus  gwane  to  say  dat  Prof.  Hannibel  am  de 
moss  siantificest  man  wat  am,  and  I  go  in  fur  gettin  him  on 
he  feet  agin  widout  allowin  him  to  do  no  more  work.  How 
is  it  wid  de  preacher  mans  ?  When  enny  ob  dem  gits  de 
brown-kritters  in  de  troat,  or  de  yeller  ganders  in  de  back, 
or  a  bile  on  de  panorama  ob  de  stomjack,  de  fuss  ting  am  a 
woyage  to  Urope.  Now  I'd  like  to  ax  dis  kongregashun  ef 
our'ole  belubed  Professor  ain't  as  good  as  eny  ob  dem  fel- 
ters — he  may  not  be,  spiritly  speakin,  but  as  a  bodily  subjick, 
I  say  he  am.  Derefore  I  offer,  dis  rebulushun  to  de  crowd. 
I  rit  it  myseff,  and  derefore  I  better  read  it  myseff. 

Resolbed,  dat  wharas  our  ole  and  long  suspected  shepherd 
hab  bin  sick  and  laid  up  on  de  shelf  like  a  pair  ob  skates  in 
August,  for  de  lass  six  monfs,  and  wharas  we  look  'pon  him 
as  one  ob  de  lites  ob  de  age,  in  de  dark  walley  ob  sciance, 
we,  his  fellow  citizens  and  members  ob  his  'siety  fur  de 
'spresshun  ob  ignumrence  and  elewashun  ob  useless  nolege 


334  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

and  fundimental  sciance,  do  hereby  pledge  ourseff  to  raise 
'fishent  funds  to  send  him  to  Urope,  arid  that  he  goes  forf- 
with  directly  immediately." 

Three  cheers  were  here  given  by  the  people.  The  speaker 
continued — 

"  Now,  my  frens,  dere  am  a  fuss-rate  chance  to  send  de 
Professor  wid  a  frend  ob  his.  I  larned  lass  nite  dat  de 
Editor  ob  de  Picayune,  who  also  hab  bin  sick  a  long  time 
likewise,  and  who  stops  writtein  fur  de  benefit  ob  he  helth 
and  his  reders,  am  a  gwane  to  Urope  on  a  tower  ob  obser- 
washun." 

Voice — "  He'd  better  go  in  a  ship,  I  tink." 

Speaker — "  I  am  sure  he  will  see  to  his  gittin  a  passage 
on  de  same  ship  wid  him,  as  a  sort  ob  left  hand  kompanion 
and  general  philosopher.  And  den,  my  frens, .  see  what 
adwantage  his  trip  will  be  to  us.  He  will  hab  more  sciance 
and  knowledge  to  kommunicate  den  wood  fill  a  sugar  hogs 
head.  We  would  be  de  gainers  by  it,  fur  he  would  tell  sich 
lots  bout  all  he  sees  ou  de  odder  side  ob  Jordon.  Shall  we 
send  him  or  not — dats  de  question  ?" 

Here  the  enthusiasm  knew  no  bounds — the  whole  house 
rose  and  cheered,  and  waived  their  hats  and  handkerchiefs, 
and  cries  of  "yes,"  "yes,"  came  from  every  quarter. 

Speaker — "I  mobe  de  kollecshun  be  started  dis  nite.  " 

Sister  Belcher — "I  second  de  moshun." 

Young  man  in  ruffle  shirt — "  I  fird  it." 

Speaker — "  It  am  mobed  and  second  dat  the  kollecshun  be 
started  to-nite.  All  dose  in  favour  ob  dat  fac,  and  de  pintin 
of  myseff,  Brudder  Cowlip,  Brudder  Longheal,  Brudder 
Highrump,  Sister  Biglip,  Sister  Belcher,  Sister  Flatsmeller, 
and  Sister  Anty  Clawson,  as  a  kommitte  to  raise  de  balance, 
will  pleese  say  I." 

Speaker — "  Carried  without  a  cornsenting  voice.     Now  I 


THE    RESOLUTION.  335 

mobe  dat  de  sense  and  de  rebolushuu  ob  dis  meetin  be 
carried  to-nite  to  de  old  man." 

Unanimously  carried. 

The  collection  was  taken  up  by  the  speaker,  who  on  this 
occasion,  used  his  hat,  and  the  meeting  dismissed. 


LECTURE   XCIX. 

THE    R'E  SOLUTION. 

CHILDREN  OB  SIANCE — 

A  CHICKEN  pot-pie  dinner,  wid  mince  pie  6xins,  cood- 
ent  a  bin  more  acceptable  to  your  poor  worn-out  shepperd, 
den  de  recete  ob  your  kind  rebolution,  wich  you  passed  at 
your  lass  meetin.  Your  inwitation  to  go  off  to  Urope  on 
a  sea-woyage,  hab  cheered  up  my  old  wedder-beaten  and 
most  broken  heart,  and  sent  a  frill  ob  joy  clar  doun  in  my 
stockins.  Ob  all  tings  in  dis  world  dat  I  hab  wished,  wus 
to  be  able  sum  day  to  cross  de  briery  deep,  and  see  old  Mas- 
sa  Neptnn,  a  riden  on  a  see  hoss,  attended  by  a  plattoon  ob 
maremaids,  a  dashin  de  wabes  each  side  ob  he  chariot,  wid 
a  five  tined  pitchfork.  I  am  told  dat  Urope  am  full  ob 
siance,  and  all  dat  it  wants  to  bring  it  out  in  full  and  fulgent 
glory,  am  a  man  wid  brane  abuve  de  ordinary  calender  to 
pint  out  its  beauties.  I  can  assure  you  all,  dat  ef  dar  am 
enny  siance  worf  knowin,  I'll  find  it  out  and  splain  de  hole 
ting,  as  plain  as  a  pictur  on  a  tea-bord. 

As  soon  as  I  git  your  rebolushun,  and  felt  sartain  dat 
I  wus  sure  to  be  gwane,  I  mediately  writ  a  note  to  de  Edi 
tor  ob  de  Picayune  in  de  followin  strain  : 


336  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  Anty  Clawious's,  Most  Nite. 

"  Dear  Sir — DC  members  ob  de  'Siety  fur  de  'spressbun  ob  igno- 
rence  and  elewashun  ob  useless  nolege,  and  fundimeiital  Siance,Avhose 
teacher  I  am,  as  you  am  aware,  hab,  in  consequence  ob  my  long  and 
severe  sickness,  koncluded  to  make  up  a  puss  to  send  me  to  Urope 
fur  de  benefit  ob  my  institushun.  And  larnin  in  a  direct  way  dat  you, 
wishin  a  laxashun  fur  your  own  benefit,  hab  taken  passage  fur  de  toun 
ob  Urope,  derefore  I  ax  you,  as  an  old  frend,  to  endebber  to  git  me 
a  passage  on  board  de  same  ship  wid  you.  You  noe  my  'stinguished 
position  here,  and  I  feel  it  woodent  be  lowerin  myseff  a  bit  to  go  wid 
you.  Ef  you  will  name  de  ship  you  intend  goin  in,  I  will  do  my 
bess  to  honor  it  wid  my  kumpany. 

"  Yours  mity  sick, 

"  PROP.  J.  CAESAR  HANNIBAL." 

To  dis  note  I  recebe  dis  reply  : 

"  Prof.  Hannibal — Dear  Sir — I  should  be  rather  pleased  than  oth 
erwise  with  your  company  on  my  intended  tour  to  Europe,  as  I  may  be 
enabled  to  extract  much  scientific  knowledge  from  your  over-stocked 
brain,  on  the  passage.  I  intend  to  sail  in  the  ship  "  Sunny  Side," 
Oapt.  Adams,  laying  at  the  foot  of  Pine  street. 

"  Truly  yours,  ED.  OF  PICAYUNE." 

De  day  arter  I  git  dis  note  I  feel  mity  proud,  and  I  rode 
doun  to  de  aforesaid  ship,  and  sure  'nuff,  I  found  her  'tirely 
new  frum  stem  to  starn.  I  crept  up  de  ladder  at  de  side, 
and  ax  fur  de  Captain.  A  gemmon  cum  up  to  me,  and  ax 
me  what  I  wanted. 

"  Captain  Adams,"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  sir,  here  I  am,"  said  the  gemmon. 

"  What,"  says  I,  "  you  de  Captain?"  You  see  I  wus 
sprised  beyond  all  bribulashun  at  his  'pearance.  I  spected 
to  see  him  in  wite  trowsers,  wid  he  shirt  hangin  ober  de  top 
ob  dem,  wid  a  tarpolen  hat  on  he  hed,  and  a  big  spy-glass 
in  he  hand,  gis  like  I  seed  de  ship  captain  in  de  theatre,  dat 
nite  I  go  dar  to  study  character — and  on  seein  him  widout 


THE    RESOLUTION.  337 

no  big  whiskers,  nor  spy-glass,,  nor  tarpolen,  put  gis  dressed 
up  in  close  like  shore  pepils,  it  stonished  me,  and  I  looked 
at  him  wid  all  de  eyes  I  had  in  my  hed,  and  specks  too.  As 
soon  as  I  recubber  myself  a  little,  I  made  de  obserwashun 
dat  I  wus  glad  to  find  him  a  desendent  frum  de  fuss  family. 
Dat  de  Adams  wus  de  fuss  on  record  on  spectability. 

He  smiled,  and  sed  "  Yes."    . 

Dat  kinder  made  us  familiar,  and  I  ax  him  ef  I  cood  hab 
a  passage  on  bord  his  ship,  as  an  old  frend  ob  mine  and  de 
fun  lubbin  public,  wus  a  gwane  wid  him,  and  I'd  like  to  see 
Jorden  wid  him. 

"  We  can  give  you  a  steerage  berth,"  sed  de  Captain. 

"  De  steerage,"  sed  I,  "  dat  muss  be  in  de  hind  part  ob 
de  ship,  nie  unto  where  de  man  stands  dat  steers  ship, 
arn't  it  ?" 

"  Not  zackly,"  sed  he,  as  he  turned  to  de  cook,  a  young 
cullard  man,  and  ax  him  to  show  me  de  steerage. 

I  soon  cum  to  be  'quainted  wid  de  cook — he  herd  ob  me 
ofin — so  I  eluded  to  bunk  wid  him  on  de  woyage.  We  went 
all  ober  de  ship,  and  I  found  de  royal  poop  deck  in  de  rite 
place.  De  jib-boom  wus  dere  too,  and  so  wus  de  royal  top 
gallan  main  sheet.  De  skuddin  sail  booms  war  all  dar  also, 
and  dar  wus  de  bow-split  a  stickin  rite  out  like  Horace 
G-reeley's  principles.  De  hen-coop  wus  rite,  too.  De  main 
jib-boom,  top  sail  tenor  reefs  and  cross-sticks  war  all  lashed 
to  de  stanupsticks.  Ebery  ting  looked  done  up  as  nice  as  a 
sore  shin  in  de  Hospital — and  as  I  liked  de  looks  ob  de  hole 
kraft,  I  made  a  bargain  wid  de  Captain  afore  I  cum  away. 
I  told  him  dat  de  kommittee  wood  call  and  square  de  yards 
— I  tort  I  put  de  sailor  to  him  at  once. 

So  now,  my  frens,  you  pursebe  dat  it  am  all  fixed,  and  I 
sail  in  bout  one  week,  ef  you  fellers  don't  back  out  wid  de 
money. 

15 


338  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Afore  I  go,  let  me  warn  you  all  how  you  behabe  your- 
seffs — don't  luff  me  find,  when  I  cum  back,  dat  you  all  bin 
raisin  de  debbil,  and  brakin  tings  bout  toun.  Do  keep 
abuve  sich  tings,  luff  de  wite  trash  do  it,  but  you  keep  out 
ob  scrapes. 

Ef  it  am  de  Lord's  will  to  send  me  back  to  you,  I  will  hab 
more  to  tell  you  den  all  de  gossip  eber  had.  I  shall  see 
Mrs.  Cobugg,  de  Queen  ob  de  British — and  all  de  Lords  and 
Ducks,  and  de  rest  ob  dein  fellers  in  red  welwet  cloaks,  wite 
fedders  and  flowin  ribbons,  and  yellow  high  bootes  wat  we 
see  in  de  theatre. 

Den  I  shall  cross  de  canal  ober  dar,  and  see  de  frog-eat 
ers  and  de  soges.  I'll  go  see  Mons.  King  Napoleon,  at  de 
fooleries,  or  Tulteries  (gis  which  eber  you  like),  den  I'll  see 
de  fields  ob  Elishea,  and  all  dem  tings.  Folks  pear  to  tink 
I  shall  hab  difucalty  in  gittin  along  in  Paris,  on  count  ob 
de  language,  but  I  don't  fear  it,  as  I  noe  sebril  French  die- 
lect,  ef  not  more — so  you  needent  be  trubbled  bout  me  on 
dat  count. 

I  recebe  sebril  inwites  to  cum  to  tea,  frum  sum  ob  de  sis 
ters,  all  ob  which  I  will  tend  to  ef  ole  John  R.  Rheuma 
tism  will  let  me. 

Ob  corse  I  want  dis  letter  read  to  de  kongregashun,  and 
as  I  shall  frum  time  to  time  rite  you  pistols  frum  abroad,  I 
may  as  well  on  dis  caishun,  pint  Brudder  Samewell  Ledder- 
pate,  who  kan  rede  and  rite,  to  rede  dem  to  you  frum  de 
time-honored  desk  ;  he  will  call  a  meetin  wheueber  he  gets 
a  letter.  All  I  kan  say  in  'clushun  am,  let  de  kolleckshun 
euccede. 

Yours,  in  Siance, 

J.  C.  HANNIBAL. 


THE  PROFESSOK  GOES  TO  EUROPE.          339 


THE  PROFESSOR  GOES  TO  EUROPE. 

PACKING   UP   OF   CARPET   BAG HIS   VOTE    OK  .THANKS. 

BLUBBED  SINNERS — 

As  de  ship  in  which  I  ig.  to  cross  de  briery  deep  will 
start  in  'bout  a  nour  wid  me  on  bord,  I  muss  be  brief  (as 
Jack  de  Giant-killer  sed  to  de  Giant  when  he  cut  off  his 
hed),  wid  dis  letter.  In  fac,  I  hab  only  time  to  tank  you 
all  indiwidually  and  pussonly,  fur  de  menny  kindness  and 
presents  bestowed  'pon  me. 

Sebril  have  sent  to  me  fur  my  autograph,  and  I  is  sorry 
I  habent  time  to  set  fur  it,  or  I  wood  send  one  to  all  who 
mout  wish  it.  Dere  hab  bin  sich  a  call  fur  locks  ob  my  har, 
dat  in  one  week  I  found  my  hed  sheared  as  close  as  a  sheep 
just  arter  sheerin  time — in  fact,  it's  clipped  so  tight  dat  I 
kan  scarcely  shut  my  eyes  to  go  to  sleep — and  one  low  cul- 
lard  man  on  de  wharf,  while  I  was  gubbin  orders  'bout  my 
baggage,  ax  me  ef  I  war  trainin  fur  a  prize  fite.  Dat  made 
me  mad,  and  I  sed  no  more  har  goes  off  dis  ole  hed  now  how. 
So  all  dem  sisters  dat  dident  get  no  har,  hab  got  to  do  wid- 
out  har,  fur  I  muss  stop  de  rabages  to  preserbe  de  crop. 
It  seems  dat  ebery  ting  I  got,  am  looked  ;pon  as  a  curiosity. 
Massa  Barnum  rites  to  me  fur  a  suit  ob  my  ole  close  to  put 
in  a  glass  case,  in  de  Museum.  I  is  sorry  I  only  got  one 
suit  to  my  back,  or  he  cood  hab  it.  I  happened  to  hab  an 
ole  pair  ob  boots,  which  de  kongregashun  gub  me  second 
hand  'bout  two  yeers  ago,  and  I  sent  him  dem — so  you 
fellers  kan  look  out  fur  dem.  Now  you  all  see  de  penalty 


340  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

ob  bein  a  grate  and  populus  man.  Dere  am  no  noein,  in 
case  I  cood  raise  a  new  suit  ob  close,  what  my  old  close 
wood  bring  at  aucshun  by  de  piece. 

I  hab  to  axknowledge  menny  presents  to  make  me  con- 
fortable  on  de  woyage.  One  brudder  sends  me  a  big  second 
hand  tin  bason,  and  sez  I'll  find  more  need  ob  it  fur  de  fust 
week  I'm  out,  den  ennything  else  I  got.  He  accompanies 
it  wid  a  bottle  of  brandy,  which  he  ses  always  follows  its 
use.  He  tells  me  in  a  perlite  note  not  to  be  afraid  ob  it,  as 
all  temperance  societies  am  null  and  woid  durin  sea  sickness. 

I  hope  de  followin  pussons  will  except  my  tanks  fur  de 
followin  tings  : 

Aunty  Belcher,  fur  two  bottles  ob  brandy,  a  shillin  worf 
ob  doe-nuts,  and  a  mince  pie  ;  Sister  Florindia  Pacilia 
Gemima  Ferningham,  fur  tree  jars  ob  sweet-meats,  two  pair 
of  socks,  a  pocket  handkershief,  and  a  jug  ob  root  beer  ; 
Sister  Kate  Lutts  fur  a  dozen  biled  crabs,  and  haff  a  dozen 
biled  eggs  wid  salt. 

Sister  Rosemary  Prenalla  Childfield,  fur  twenty-five  fried 
clams  in  a  carpet-bag. 

Brudder  Pete  Clawson  fur  a  dog,  a  pound  ob  crackers, 
and  a  jewsharp. 

Brudder  Hyatt,  de  shirt  man,  fur  a  blue,  red,  and  wite 
ruffle  shirt,  to  'pear  afore  de  Queen  in,  also  a  wite  neck-cloth 
to  wear  on  dat  'portant  'caishun. 

Sister  Bets  Green  fur  a  bushel  ob  raw  clams  in  de  shell. 
I  antisipate  much  luxery  wid  dem  when  I  git  in  de  gulp 
streme. 

And  lass,  doe  not  least,  my  tanks  am  due  to  sum  stranger 
who  sends  me  a  kork  screw,  a  bottle  of  Mustang  Liniment, 
a  box  ob  pills  and  sum  syrup  of  sassafarillay,  sasagefax,  and 
gum  humfry  root  fur  de  rumatism. 

My  lastin  tanks  am  also  dew  to  Brudder  Elemuel  Gusta- 


FIRST    EPISTOL    FROM    'UROPE.  341 

vus  Porkfoot,  fur  de  fine  toof  comb  and  razor  strap  he  sent 
by  male  frum  Boston. 

Dats  all  I  belebe  I  got  to  be  tankful  fur  in  dis  world  frum 
frens.  I  hab  berry  little  time  left  now  to  say  nofin  to  you 
'bout  your  latter  ends.  I  is  gwane  away  now,  and  I  hope 
when  I  cum  back,  to  be  as  well  agin  as  possible.  All  de 
sites  I  see,  I  will  tell  you  about,  so  dat  de  lite  ob  siance  and 
universal  nolege  will  shine  in  your  dark  paffs  tru  life.  Now, 
all  be  good  children,  and  recollect  dat  de  AlmigMy  am  de 
fadder  of  us  all,  and  see  dat  you  do  a  child's  duty  to  him. 
Good-bye  till  you  hear  frum  me  frum  de  odder  side  ob  Jor- 
den,  eder  through  de  spirit-rappers  or  odderwise.  Yours, 
stepin  abord  ship, 

J.  C.  HANNIBAL. 


FIRST  EPISTOL  FROM  'UROPE. 

'UROPB,  London,  July,  1854. 
MY   LONG    NIGLECTED    FLOCK 

I  SPECK  some  ob  you,  speshily  dose  who  had  only  a 
promiscus  akquaintance  wid  me,  begin  to  tink,  by  dis  time, 
dat  I  hab  forgotten  you  altogedder  and  wasn't  neber  no 
more  a  gwane  to  rite  to  you  ;  but  dose  dat  nose  me  better 
nose  me  best.  De  reason  dat  I  hab  not  epistolized  to  you 
befo'e  am  bekose  I  bin  so  bizzy  wid  de  Lords  and  Ducks,  de 
nobility  and  sich  like,  in  England,  dat  I  haben't  had  time  to 
haff  cornb  my  har,  luff  alone  rite  to  such  trash  as  you  fel- 
lars.  When  I  allow  myseff  to  tink  ob  de  contrass  betwene 
you  low  wite  and  black  commoners  obber  dar  and  de  pepil 
I  swasheate  wid  here,  my  nose  inwolentarily  turns  up  as 
mu'3h  as  its  flatness  will  permit.  I  don't  noe  dat  I  shall 


342        •  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

ebber  come  back  to  you  agin,  for  I  lede  a  berry  different 
life  here  to  what  de  scraping  ob  de  sasser  wood  allow  me  to 
hum.  I  speck  to  git  a  wite  wife  afore  de  winter's  obber,  for 
mind  I  call  you,  a  darkey  am  considered  tome  in  dese  dig- 
gins  ;  but  I  will  splain  dat  fac  in  a  future  period,  and  as  I 
is  commenced  to  write  to  you,  I  may  as  well  as  not  begin  at 
de  beginnin'  ob  my  wo'age  and  splain  tings  as  I  got  long. 

Well  den  to  begin.  You  all  nose  when  I  left  de  warf  on 
de  19  o¥  April,  just  as  de  bell  in  de  soup  house  rung  for 
dinner.  Well,  we  bore  down  de  bay  as  cheerful  and  as  light 
as  a  butterfly  in  de  sunshine.  De  passengers  war  a  talkin 
wid  dere  frens  on  de  poop  deck,  who  war  gwane  to  see  dem 
off,  and  lebe  dun  at  Staten  Island.  De  stars  and  stripes  whor 
a  flyin'  at  de  stearn.  De  pilot  was  a  gubbin  orders  to  de 
man  at  de  big  weel  what's  fast  to  de  seller  door,  a  swingin' 
on  behind  to  turn  de  ship  round  wid.  De  captain  was  a 
pullin'  off  his  go  to  meetin  cloze  and  a  puttin'  on  a  free  dol 
lar  and  a  half  suit.  De  mate  was  arrangin'  de  watches  ob 
de  crew — so  de  steward  sed — but  I  didn't  see  not  one  watch 
'mong  de  hole  ob  dem.  De  steward  was  bizzy  gittin  up 
dinner,  and  I  sat  alone  on  deck.  No  frens  come  to  lebe  me 
at  Staten  Island,  and  put  me  to  de  'xpense  ob  a  dinner  on 
bord — so  dere  I  sat  cogitatin  and  foolosifizein. 

Putty  soon  all  de  wite  folks  set  down  to  dinner,  and  all  ob 
dem  eat  and  drink  all  dey  cood,  and  gub  toast  'bout  "  safe 
return"  and  all  dat  sort  ob  ting.  While  dey  was  eatin'  New 
York  begin  to  grow  smaller  and  smaller,  fust  de  men  on  de 
warf  turned  into  boys  and  de  horses  to  dogs,  den  de  fust 
fell  to  babies  and  de  odder  to  poodles  ;  den  de  steeples  and 
de  masts  ob  de  ships  at  de  warfs  all  begin  to  git  muxed  up 
togeddir  as  tick  as  ingin  meal  in  a  hoe  cake  ;  den  it  all  begin 
to  go  down  in  de  water,  and  it  gradually  sunk  in  de  bay  wid 
only  here  and  dere  a  steeple  dat  stuck  up  like  a  big  handle 


FIRST    EPISTOL    FKO.M    '(JROPE.*  343 

for  some  big  giant  to  pull  de  city  up  again  wid.  All  dis 
time  we  was  bein'  towed  wid  de  tugg,  not  a  sail  had  been 
stuck  out.  After  dinner  de  tugg  come  long  side  and  de  frens 
jumped  abord,  some  a  laffin,  some  a  cryin,  and  some  as  grabe 
as  an  owl  full  ob  huckelberrys.  Soon  as  de  tugg  was  gone, 
de  steward  ax  me  in  de  caboose  to  dinner,  but  my  heart  was 
too  full  ob  good-bye  to  eat,  so  I  took  my  seat  near  de  car 
buncle,  and  kept  under  de  American  flag  (where  all  good 
men  can  set  down  in  peace)  and  watched  de  movement  ob 
tings  all  round  me.  ]STow  de  captiii  was  up  to  he  eyes  in 
biziness.  He  stood  on  de  poop  and  sung  out  to  de  men  to 
luff  go  de  royal  stilyards,  hellyards  and  tanyards,  and  splice 
de  main  brace  ;  den  he  wanted  all  de  royal  top  balance  sails 
set,  and  den  he  gub  dem  orders  to  squar  demseffs.  All  dis  time 
de  hind  quarter  and  de  fore  quarter  ob  de  ship  was  a  tryin' 
dere  best  to  see  which  cood  dive  deepest  in  de  water  and  go 
up  de  highest  in  de  air  ;  at  fust  I  tort  it  was  fun,  and  tort 
de  .bows  had  de  best  ob'it,  when  I  noticed  dat  de  sides  ob 
de  ship  had  commenced  de  same  game,  and  den  it  was  down 
stern  to  up  bows,  and  down  bows  and  up  stern,  for  ebber  so 
long.  Presently  my  watching  de  fun  kinder  made  me  dizzy, 
and  putty  soon  de  stripes  on  de  flag  begin  to  blow  like  a 
corkscrew,  and  de  stars  seemed  to  snap  and  crack,  and  it 
seemed  to  wind  itseff  around  my  head  till  I  coodn't  hold  it 
up  no  longer.  I  sung  out  for  my  frind  de  steward,  who  said 
I  was  sea-sick,  but  I  node  better,  and  I  told  him  so  :  he, 
howeber,  helped  me  to  my  birth  and  a  tin  pan,  both  ob 
which  I  clung  to  wid  eagerness.  I  can't  tell  you  zackly  how 
I  felt,  but  I  tort  at  ojie  time  dat  my  stomjack  had  been 
turned  into  a  swill  barrell  and  somebody  was  a  stirring  it  up 
wid  a  long  stick,  which  stick  was  in  my  troat  and  I  coodent 
git  it  up.  If  enybody  had  jis  den  picked  me  up  by  de  heels 
and  a  quietly  trode  me  cber-bord,  I  wood  say  nofin  but, 


344  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  tank  you,  sar."  I  hab  heerd  ob  fellers  habin  tings  trowed 
up  in  dere  teef,  and  felt  bad  bout  it — de  Lord  nose  I  bad 
nuff  trowd  up  in  my  teef  dat  time,  and  I  felt  like  trowin  up 
teef  and  all.  I  jus  come  to  de  'elusion  dat  gwane  to  sea  am 
annodder  impersition  practiced  upon  dis  community  dat  I 
must  look  into — and  I  was  den  in  a  fair  way  to  look  into  it 
and  feel  into  it  too. 

De  fust  nite  wore  away,  but  de  next  mornin'  it  was  wuss. 
About  daylight  I  hear  somfin  out  doors  go  whoo-whoo  whoo- 
oo — flap,  flap  !  went  de  sails — creek,  squeak  !  went  de  masts 
dat  stick  up  in  de  ship,  and  creake  !  creake  !  skreem  !  s-k-r-e-n 
went  de  old  ship  herseff,  as  she  begin  to  rare  and  pitch  like 
a  baukey  horse.  "  What's  de  matter  ?"  ax  I  as  loud  as  I 
cood  holler.  "  Lay  still,  you  bloody  niggar  1"  said  an  ole 
sailor.  "  We're  in  a  gale,  and  want  all  land-lubbers  in  bed." 
Now  dere  was  confusion.  De  captin  run  on  de  poop  and 
sung  out,  "  haul  down  de  main  sheets."  At  dis  a  young 
lady  in  her  berth  screached  out  to  know  if  de  main  sheets 
war  on  her  bed,  and  she  fainted.  Another  old  lady,  when 
de  captin  ordered  all  hands  aloft  to  reef  top  stalls,  begged  to 
be  excused  as  she  didn't  feel  well  enough  to  stir.  I  stagger 
ed  up  to  de  hatchway  to  see  whar  de  danger  war,  when  a 
wave  ob  de  sea  come  kersouze  all  obber  me,  and  floted  me 
back  agin.  All  de  passengers  was  now  heavin,  and  as  if  dat 
wasn't  enough,  de  captin  gub  orders  for  de  ship  to  heave 
too,  and  she  hove  too.  De  hen  coop  broke  loose,  and  de 
chickins  went  to  cackilin — de  mate  went  to  swarein — de  wind 
howled — de  rain  fell — de  men  swore — de  captin  yelled — and 
you  best  believe  I  wished  myseff  b«fck  in  Anty  Clawson's 
seller,  however  humble  it  mout  be. 

But  dere  is  no  use  ob  my  dwellm'  on  dia  disagreeable  sub- 
jick — like  everything  else,  even  a  bad  sermon,  it  had  an  end. 
At  last  my  woyage  had  an  end,  and  so  must  my  letter  dis 


SECOND   EPISTOL   FROM   'UROPE.  345 

time.    My  receptun  in  'Uurope,  and  my  short  comeins  and 
long-goings,  will  form  a  text  for  my  nex.     Good-bye. 
Yours,  in  de  cause  ob 

Siance  and  Nolage, 

JULIUS  C.ESAR  HANNIBAL. 


SECOND  EPISTOL  FROM  'UROPE. 

SHEEPS  OB  MY  FLOCK  OB  DE  FOLK  : — 

IT  wus  a  day  in  lubly  May  when  I  'ribed  in  London 
— it  wood  a  bin  like  a  May  day  in  de  States  ef  it  had  bin 
warm  'nuff,  and  it  hadent  a  rained  all  de  time ;  de  sun 
'peared  to  be  ashamed  ob  sich  conduct,  for  he  neber  showed 
he  face  de  hole  day — I  woodent  a  none  from  eny  xternal 
sarcumstances  dat  surround  de  horison  ob  my  wision  dat  it 
wus  de  twenty-fibth  ob  May  if  it  hadent  a  bin  for  de  blessed 
almynack,  dat  I  always  carry  for  reference  to  de  wedder, 
and  '  how  to  take  ink  out  ob  linen.'  Dat  good  ole  book 
put  me  rile  in  spite  ob  ober  coats  and  number ellers. 

As  our  goodly  ship  neared  de  city,  I  found  dat  my  comin 
ober  had  bin  telegraffed  by  de  under  Atlantick  line,  and 
dat  my  hourly  expectation  was  looked  for  wid  impunity.  I 
kinder  looked  fur  some  public  demonstrashun  to  be  shown 
me,  but,  my  dear  lams,  judge  ob  my  surprise  wen  I  hear 
my  approach  herelded  wid  de  blazeandry  ob  cannon  from 
de  Xaby  ships  in  de  downs  and  all  along  de  channel,  till  I 
reach  de  city.  Here  I  found  all  de  sogers  out  and  flags  a 
flying  in  all  directions.  You  mout  bet  your  dinner  wid 
safety  to  your  stumjack  dat  I  felt  proud  ob  de  compliment 
and  de  'caision,  and  pullin  off  my  ole  wite  hat  like  Jineral 

15* 


346  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

Jackson  did  when  be  landed  by  de  Battery,  I  walked  in  de 
city  in  front  ob  de  sogers.  I  hadent  bin  walkin  dar  long 
befo'e  I  noticed  dat  I  wus  looked  'pon  as  a  queeriosity,  like 
de  alagator  in  the  Museum,  and  putty  soon  a  feller  in  blue 
close  wid  wite  buttons,  behind  a  ledder  stock,  walked  up  to 
me  under  a  hat  bound  round  on  de  ages  wid  patent  ledder, 
and  sez  he  to  me,  sez  he  : 

"  Your  a  stranger  'ere,  I  perceive,  sir,  and  it  mout  be 
you  don't  know  that  your  a  breakin  von  ob  de  regelations 
ob  de  military  to  be  valkin  'ere  ;  you  must  come  hoff  from 
there  or  I  must  take  you  hoff." 

"  Why,  who  be  you  ?"  I  'dignently  axed,  "  dat  you  dar 
'proach  a  furrin  gemman  in  dat  style — it's  next  door  to  a 
consult  I" 

"  I'm  number  495,  1st  section,"  answered  de  man. 

"  Section  ob  what  !"  I  naterly  axed. 

"  Section  ob  police,"  said  he,  as  stubborn  as  a  nigger  wid 
de.  sulks. 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  wid  all  the  fire  ob  my  natur,  "  your  a 
pretty  police  to  come  up  and  coast  me  in  dis  kind  ob  style — 
don't  you  nose  me  ?  Don't  you  noSe,  you  nignumrampus, 
dat  7am  Professor  Hannibal,  from  ole  Warginny,  but  more 
recently  from  New  York,  in  de  biggest  country  on  de 
globe  !  Don't  you  nose,"  continued  I,  warming  up  wid  de 
subjick,  and  a  heaby  ober  coat,  "  dat  all  dis  parade,  all  dis 
firin,  and  all  dis  display  ob  flags  am  for  me,  kase  I  corne  to 
trow  lite  on  de  cause  ob  Sciance,  and  run  down  America  ? 
Ef  you  don't  know  it  afore,  luff  me  dispell  your  benited 
ignumrance  and  tell  you  dat's  de  fac !"  At  dis  de  feller 
begin  to  laff,  and  sed  he  hadent  the  least  idea  ob  it. 

"  I  mout  spected  as  much,"  sed  I,  "  when  I  refleck  on  de 
ignumrence  ob  a  nashim  wiclout  public  skules." 

"  See  'ere,  my  dark  friend,"  roturned  de  policer,   "  I'm 


SECOND    EPISTOL   FROM   'UROPE.  34t 

afraid  I'll  hev  ter  hintroduce  yer  to  the  keepers  of  the 
Lunatick  mad  house  establishment  ;  you  don't  seem  to  be 
altogether  right  under  the  hat." 

"  What  makes  you  tink  Ise  crazy  ?"  axed  I  in'stonishment. 

"Why,  to  'ear  you  talk  sich  nonsence  as  you  do,  about 
this  'ere  parade,  as  the  firm  ob  de  cannon  and  the  flyin  ob 
the  flags,  wus  all  intended  for  you." 

"  Why,  in  de  name  ob  all  dat  is  sciantific,  wat  is  all  dis 
fuss  kicked  up  fur,  if  not  fur  me,  sa-ay,  ain't  I  'ribed  ?" 
mildly  inquired  I, 

"  Vy,  for  hour  beloved  Queen — you  hold  fool,  don't  yer 
know  it's  'er  birth  day,  and  it's  allers  hobserved  by  a 
demonstrashun  ?  And,  hold  feller,  we'd  show  you  a  sight 
as  you'd  remember  to  go  'ome  and  tell,  if  the  harmy 
wusn't  gone  hoff  to  fight  the  Rushers  !" 

Well,  when  he  told  me  dat,  I  felt  de  starch  go  rite  out 
ob  my  shirt  collar,  and  felt  it  wilt — I  felt  as  cheap  as  tree 
cents  a  haff  a  peck,  and  I  come  to  de  'elusion  dat  I'd  bin 
sold  ;  so  to  end  de  matter  I  axed  de  policer  in  to  take  a  drop 
ob  "  Barclay's  entire."  He  took  a  quart,  and  he  and  I  was 
sworn  frens  eber  sence.  He  scorched  me  to  a  lodgins,  and 
gub  me  all  de  inflammation  he  cood  'bout  tings  in  general. 

When  I  went  fur  lodgins,  de  ole  lady  at  fust  sed  to  de 
policer  dat  she  hadent  a  spar  room  in  de  house,  but  as  soon 
as  she  see  me  she  changed  her  mind. 

"  Are  you  one  ob  thiin  poor  hoppressed  people  Mrs. 
Butcher  Store  has  so  beautifully  wrote  on,  from  that  bar- 
berous  savage  country,  North  America  ?" 

"  Yes  mum,"  sez  I,  wid  an  eye  to  de  lodgius,  and  seein 
she  was  one  ob  de  rite  kind  fur  me  to  lib  in  klober  wid. 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  puttin  on  her  specks,  "  in  de  name  ob 
heaven,  'ow  did  you  git  away  from  them — 'ave  you  bin  beat 
en  much,  or  branded  wid  'ot  hirons.  do  let's  look  at  you." 


348  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

I  frankly  tole  de  ole  woman  dat  I  wasn't  much  hurt,  and 
hoped  to  find  a  silum  under  her  hospitel  roof. 

"  You  shall  'ave  the  best  room  in  de  'ouse,"  returned  she  ; 
"there's  honly  a  poor  newspaper  editor  got  it  now,  and  'e 
must  take  the  hattick  room  till  you  leave,  or  he  must  leave 
altogether,  I  don't  care  which." 

I  tanked  her  for  her  preference  and  due  'preciation  ob  de 
cullered  man,  and  was  shown  to  de  room.  I  was  not  long 
in  unpacking  my  wardrobe  from  de  crown  ob  my  hat,  and 
niakin  myself  at  home.  How  de  editor  and  de  ole  woman 
settled  'bout  de  room  I  neber  node,  all  I  heard  'bout  it  was 
'bout  ten  a  clock  de  same  night.  I  hear  a  voice,  goin  up 

stairs  in  big  shoes,  say — "I'm  d d  if  I'll  stand  it,  to  be 

turned  out  of  my  own  room  for  a  runaway  buck  nigger  ;  I'll 
show  her  in  the  morning  !"  Dat's  de  lass  I  heard  ob  it  ;  ef 
he  did  show  her  its  more  dan  he  did  heseflf,  fur  he  nebber 
showed  heseff  to  me. 

In  one  day  it  got  noised  round  de  naborhood  dat  I  wus 
riv,  and  de  letters  ob  inwatations  and  de  nabors  flocked  in 
from  all  quarters.  I  had  inwite,  de  fust  ting,  to  lecture  at 
de  Eggeaters*  Hall  in  de  Strand,  de  greatest  temple  ob 
Abolishunism  and  Deism  in  all  'Urope.  I  got  inwite  too, 
from  Mrs.  Victoria  Coburg,  de  Queen,  to  wisit  her  at  de 
Buck  ob  Dukeinham's  Palace  in  St.  Jeemes's  Park,  all  ob 
which  I  must  refer  to  my  next,  kase  dis  letter  hab  grown 
too  long  already.  Gub  my  lub  to  Auty  Clawson  and  Cudjo 
Cowsnout.  Remember  me  to  de  Sewing  Siety,  and  de  Clam 
Soup  Kummittee  fur  next  winter,  and  don't  forgit  to  pass 
round  de  sasser  under  no  sarcumstance  whatsomdever. 
Yours  in  klober 

JULIUS  (LESAR  HANNIBAL, 
S.  A.  N.  Sarcher  Arter  Nolage. 


THIRD   EPISTOL   FROM   'UROPE.  349 


THIRD  EPISTOL  PROM  'UROPE. 

BLUBED  SCIPLES — LAMS  OB  DE  POLE  : 

DE  reson  dat  you  hear  from  me  so  often  am  bekase 
I  keep  on  ritein  all  de  time.  When  udder  shepards  come 
abroad  dey  always  rite  home  to  dar  congregation  wedder 
dey  got  annyting  to  say  or  not,  an'  I  don't  see  but  what  I 
got  jis  as  good  a  rite  to  say  nuffin  in  free  full  fools  ob  sheet 
cap  as  dey  has.  If  enny  ob  you  see  annyting  you  don't  jis 
zackly  like  in  my  letters,  why  you  know  you  can  lebe  de 
congregation  and  make  all  de  noise  wid  your  big  feet  you  kin 
on  goin  out.  Who  cars  for  dat.  You  needn't  tink  to  put  a 
bridle  on  my  tongue  for  no  sich  sallary  as  de  sassar  affords 
me.  Dar,  you  got  it  now — chaw  pon  it  and  if  you  don't 
like,  spit  it  out. 

When  I  luff  off  in  my  last  pistole  to  you,  I  was  in 
logins.  De  next  day,  I  started  to  go  and  find  de  man 
dat  hires  de  close  in  which  furriners  hab  to  dress  up 
to  be  presented  at  kort.  Well,  arter  sarchin  up  and 
down  de  treet  and  gittin'  a  haff  a  dozen  policers  to  read 
de  kard  wid  de  adress  'pon,  I  at  lass  found  de  place,  de  man, 
and  de  close  at  de  same  time.  De  gemmou  war  berry  perlite 
and  I  found  no  dificulty  in  fittin  my  shape. 

Kort  dident  set  dat  nite,  or  in  odder  words,  Mrs.  Coburg, 
de  lubly  Queen  dident  recebe  company  till  free  nights  arter  ; 
you  see  kort  sets  wid  de  gentry  in  de  nite  time,  so  F  made  a 
corntact  wid  de  gemmon  to  send  de  close  to  my  logins  so  I 
cood  dress  up  dar  and  go  up  to  de  Duckingham  Palace  in 
full  glory  and  a  handsome  cab.  He  said  I  must  present  my 


350  BLACK   DIAMONDS. 

letters  ob  introcuniducshuu,  if  I  had  enny  to  de  nobility, 
before  de  nite  iu  dispute.  So  when  I  got  home  I  looked 
'raong  my  crimdentals  and  dar  I  found  two,  one  from  de 
komnrtttee  to  de  Lord  High  Chandiler^de  man  what  fur 
nishes  de  Palace  wid  candles,  and  one  to  de  Arch  Beship  of 
Cranberry,  and  as  neider  was  sealed  I  took  de  liberty  ob 
readin  em  ober  afore  I  took  em  to  de  gemmoii.  As  some  ob 
you  may  not  hab  met  wid  de  kommittee  afore  I  started,  and 
derefore  cood  not  had  hurd  it,  I  will  send  you  a  copy  ob 
one  dat  all  may  noe  what  perfect  bricks  dat  kommittee 
was. 

New  York,  April  10,  1854. 

Rev  GRAND  HIGH  ARCH  BESHIP  OB  CRANBERRY. 

DEAR  SUR — Allow  us,  de  kommittee  on  de  hole,  to  induce 
to  your  faber  and  table,  our  dearly  belubed  and  highly  'steam 
ed  shepard  Prof.  Julius  Caesar  Hanuible,  who  hab  labored 
dese  fibe  years  in  de  kaus  ob  siance  and  transgression.  You 
am  no  dout  fully  quainted  wid  his  Lectures  by  dis  time,  and 
noe  how  hard  he  hab  labored  to  dispel  de  cobwebs  ob  ignum- 
rance  from  de  inner  chamber  ob  de  darkened  intelleck  ob 
mankind.  He  hab  worked  so  hard  in  de  kaus,  dat  he  hab 
worn  out  two  desks  wid  his  fist,  and  de  fird  am  now  quakin 
in  de  seams.  Dis  labor  ob  lub,  ob  corse,  you  will  "predate. 

De  kommittee  trusts  dat  you  will  xkuse  dem  for  sendiu 
de  Professor  to  you,  but  noein  you  to  be  de  lied  ob  de 
church  and  de  wite  gown  fellers,  and  feelin  you  must  take 
an  interest  in  siance,  we  pack  him  up  direct  to  you,  hopiu 
you  will  induce  him  to  de  Queen,  Prince  Albert,  and  de 
rest  ob  tie  Royel  Family.  If  you  could  pervail  on  him  ,to 
Lectur  before  de  Queen  she  wood  be  ready  to  say  wid  "us 
dat  he  am  sum  pumpkins.  Hopcin  when  he  dines  wid  yon 
dat  you  will  see  dat  he  don't  git  drunk  (for  it  di'siurrec?  wid 


THIRD.  EPISTOL    FROM   'UROPE.  351 

him   awfully),  and   you   may  enjoy  piece  and   felisity,  we 
subscribe  ourseffs  your  humble  servents. 
Bros.  PETE  CLAWSON, 
SAM'L  LEDERPATE, 
LEM  FLATSMELLER, 
CLEM  GREEN  SPREADFOOT, 
GEORGE    AUGUSTICE    BROWN    TOMKINS    HALE 

OOWSNOUT, 
SAMUEL    MARK     ANTONEY    LAFAYETTE    SMITH 

LUTTS,  Jr., 
GEORGE  WASHINGTON  BENTON  NAPOLEON  PITT 

SOLOMON  SAMPSON  LEE, 
Sisters,  ANTY  JEMIMY  CLAWSON, 

FLORINDA  PERCILLA  SQUASHEM,' 

ARABELLA  FLORINTINE  LUTTS, 

SUKEY  ANN  DAVISON, 

SALLY  JANE  RAWDUN, 

CONSTANTENIA  EPHRATUS  BEECHER  ANN  LoNG- 

HEEL  (darter  ob  Anty  Rachei  Longheel, 

ob  Babalon,  L.  Hand). 

De  truff  hab  better  come  out,  as  de  Judge  sed  to  de 
teaf,  and  I  is  witlin  to  admit  afore  eny  jury  dat  I  war  mity 
proud  when  I  read  dat  letter.  When  I  finished  it  I 
jumped  into  a  cab  and  took  it  to  de  Arch  Beship  myseff, 
and  as  soon  as  he  read  my  kerd  he  was  "  hat  'ome,"  so  de 
feller  in  breeches  and  a  peck  flour  on  he  hed  tole  me  at 
de  doe. 

I  found  de  Arch  Beship  in  a  black  go\vn  and  his  studdy  ; 
studdy  was  de  name  on  de  do'e  ob  de  room  he  war  in,  and 
dats  de  way  I  node  it.  De  Arch  Beship  was  berry  kind 
and  talkatif.  He  was  ebedently  pleased  wid  de  letter,  kaso 
he  laff  rite  out  in  two  or  tree  grins  at  a  time,  arid  when  an 


352  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

Arch  Beship  laff  you  may  bet  your  pile  dar  am  sumfiu  in 
de  wind.  I  speckted  he  wood  ax  me  'bout  church  matters, 
and  I  was  berry  nerbus,  kase  all  de  church  matters  I  nose 
am  'bout  de  bill  due  de  carpenter  for  shinglin  de  skule  house 
were  I  lectured  on  Long  Hand  lase  summer;  but  I  was  glad 
nuff  to  hollar  rite  out  loud  in  de  house,  when  he  sunk 
de  church  and  spoke  'bout  the  general  prodick  ob  de 
country.  "  I  understand,"  obserbed  de  Beship,  "  all  your 
lectures,  except  your  allusion  to  a  peculiar  kind  of  soup 
which  you  seem  to  be  very  partial  to,  and  which  yon  might 
naturally  expect  at  my  table  ;  but  which  I  could  not  pur 
chase,  the  materials  being  unknown  in  this  country,  and  it 
has  caused  me  much  anxiety." 

"  What  kind  ob  soup  was  it  sar  ?"  ax'd  I,  'sposin  I  had 
mentioned  some  new  kind  ob  soup  some  time  which  I  met 
somewhar. 

"  Clam  soup,"  said  he.  "  Is  it  any  better  than  ox-tail  or 
Muligatawny  ?" 

"  Oh  yes,  indeed,"  sez  I.  "  If  de  children  ob  Israel  Put 
nam,  when  dey  war  in  de  wilderness  40  days,  hab  only  had 
a  few  hundred  clams,  tings  would  hab  been  better  wid  dem." 

"  Where  do  dey  grow  ?"  ax  he. 

"  All  long  shore,"  sez  I,  "  and  dar  am  two  kinds,  de  soft 
shells  and  de  hard  shells." 

"  Oh,  I'm  very  glad  you  have  called  upon  me,"  said  de 
Beship,  quite  animated,  "  for  you  have  elucidated  a  point 
upon  which  I  have  been  bothered  for  years.  I  did  not 
know  what  the  American  papers  meant  by  'Hards'  and 
'  Softs,'  and  was  foolish  enough  to  suppose  that  they  were 
the  names  of  two  political  parties  ;  but  now  I  see  they 
simply  have  reference  to  the  peculiar  shell  of  the  clam. 
Am  I  right  ?" 

"  Oh  yes,  indeed,"  sez  I,   "  you  see  de  lublers  ob  de 


FOURTH    EPISTOL    FROM    '(JROPE.  353 

'  Softs '  am  opposed  to  de  lublers  ob  de  '  Hards/  and  dar 
de  fight  begins  and  ends.  Be  bess  people  take  sides ;  Presi 
dent,  Senator,  and  Congressmen,  am  all  in  de  clam  ring." 

"  Dus  de  Presemdent  go  fur  de  hards  or  de  softs  ?"  axed  he. 

"  Dats  nebber  bin  found  out,"  sez  I.  De  '  softs  '  claim 
him,  but  de  '  hards '  say  he's  only  foolin  dem — dat  he's  a 
hard  all  ober." 

We  set  and  tanked  morn  a  nour  on  de  tings  in  de  States, 
and  I  poured  all  de  information  I  cood  into  his  hed,  which  I 
trust  will  be  ob  use  to  him.  At  lass  he  'vited  me  to  stay  to 
dinner,  which,  arter  a  few  persuashun,  I  did,  but  I  kant  tell  • 
you  no  more  in  dis  'pistol,  kase  I  use  up  all  de  paper.  Gub 
my  lub  to  all  requiring  frens. 


FOURTH  EPISTOL  FROM  'UROPE. 

MY  BELUDED  LAMS  AND  SHEEPS  : 

I  SEND  you  annudder  'pisle  frum  de  Inglish  side  ob 
Jorden,  and  in  doin  so  agin  I  resure  you  ob  my  lub  and 
proteckshun.  You  may  some  ob  you  hab  nuff  stuff  in  your 
hed  to  recomlect  dat  in  my  fuss  'pisle  to  you  I  kinder  skoffed 
at  de  idia  ob  my  comein  back  to  you,  and  you  may  recom- 
member  too  dat  I  hinted  like  a  broad-toed  kick  'bout  luggin 
in  a  wite  wife.  I  can  only  tell  my  deah  sistern,  in  order  dat 
dar  mines  may  rest  easy  in  de  tin-panum — as  we  say  in  Latin 
— ob  de  hed,  dat  I  was  only  speckelatin,  and  dat  dar  am  no 
truff  in  de  rumor.  I'd  just  gub  all  dat  may  come  in  de 
sasser  to-nite  to  some  charity  institushun,  if  I  was  only  in  de 
midst  ob  you,  behind  dat  ole  desk  a  poundin  de  true  nolage 
ob  siance  into  your  coconuts  agin  ;  but  while  I  is  here,  like 
Mr.  Napoleon  Bonny-part  was  at  de  Hand  ob  Elbow,  in  xile, 


354  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

why  I  can  only  rite  ob  tings  I  see  till  de  happy  hour  conies 
when  you  send  me  'fishent  funds  to  satisfy  de  crawins  ob  de 
human  natur  in  de  brests  ob  de  sea  captins — so  dey  will 
bring  me  home  high  and  dry. 

I  luft  off  whar  I  stoped  in  my  lass  'pisle.  You  luff  me  1 
belebe  at  de  Arch  Beship  ob  Cranberry's,  a  taukin  to  him 
on  a  confab  ;bout  hard  clams.  Well,  to  curtail  de  ting  as 
de  man  did  when  he  bit  the  pup's  tail  off,  I  dined  dar  on  a 
dinner  dat  wood  mate  a  New  York  Alderman  good  natured 
for  a  week,  and  arter  dinner  I  got  his  promise  to  induce  me 
to  de  Queen's  kort  on  de  followin  nite. 

Accordiuly  on  de  followiu  ebenin,  de  close  from  de  feller  I 
tole  you  all  'bout  who  hires  dem  tings,  come,  and  as  good 
luck  wood  hab  it,  he  sent  a  feller  along  to  dress  me  up. 
Arter  two  'ouTs  hard  dressiu  I  war  reddy — de  only  ting 
'bout  de  close  dat  I  didn't  like  was  de  fack  ob  do  caffs  ob 
de  tites  being  on  de  rong  side  for  me.  It  war  right  behind 
when  de  fullness  ob  my  caffs  am  on  de  outside  ob  de  leg — 
some  pepel's  caffs  am  in  de  hed.  As  soon  as  J  war  reddy  I 
flung  myseff  into  a  cab  and  off  I  started  for  de  Buck  ob 
Dukeingharn's  Palace.  I  rung  at  de  doe  and  de  Royal  High 
Waiter  luff  me  in  as  soon  as  he  read  my  letter  from  de  Lord 
High  Arch  Beship.  I  had  a  long  train  ob  royal  high  fellers 
to  pass  in  de  hall.  Dere  was  a  feller  in  purpil  welwit  wid 
flour  nuff  on  his  head  to  feed  a  young  family  a  day.  In 
fack,  dey  all  went  into  the  flour,  and  in  my  pinion,  dat's  one 
reson  flour  am  so  high — kase  you  know  de  ole  sayin  in  do 
Almack,  dat  a  wilful  waiste  makes  a  wofull  want,  and  if  dat 
aint  a  wilful  waiste  ob  flour,  den  my  calkalatin  apperatus 
am  out  ob  de  siferin  book.  I  ax'd  de  royal  high  waiter  who 
de  fat  feller-  jis  named  was  ;  he  tole  me  he  was  de  royal 
high  Buttler  to  de  Queen.  He  looked  more  like  a  Royal 
High  Beef-eater  to  de  Butcher.  Well,  as  I  passed  on,  I 


FOURTH    EPISTOL    FROM   'UROPE.  355 

^countered  de  Royal  High  Boot-black  to  Prince  Halbert, 
,e  Royal  High  Knife  cleaner,  de  Royal  High  Footman,  do 
loyal  High  Coachman,  and  he  was  a  Royal  high  feller,  6 
)ot  6  in  he  stockins.  Dere  were  seberal  Royal  High  odder 
jllers  stowed  round  de  hall,  who  looked  as  if  dey  held  a 
..tewation  to  drink  all  de  beer  dey  cood,  and  see  how  much 
de  institushun  ob  mankind  will  carry  about  wid  dem  wid- 
out  fallin  in  de  gutter.  Presently  I  war  ushered  into  a  big 
room,  which  beats  all  de  gold  and  fixins  I  ebber  did  see,  sich 
paintin,  gildin,  looken  glasses,  gold  furniture,  gold  chairs, 
gold  sofas,  gold  tables,  gold  shandilers,  wid  more  den  ten 
tousand  lites  in  dem,  and  gold  ebberyting  all  ober.  When 
de  door  opened  de  lite  and  shine  come  out  like  a  flash  ob 
lightnin  on  a  gooseberry  bush.  It  was  so  bright  it  made 
me  wink  my  eye,  at  which  an  old  lady,  who  was  a  lookin  at 
me,  smiled  and  put  her  fan  up  to  her  face.  She  was  de 
Royal  Dodger,  or  Dowger,  or  somfin  like  dat.  All  de  fel 
lers  in  de  hall,  and  in  fack,  all  in  de  room  stared  at  me  as  if 
dey  dident  nebber  see  a  cullerd  man  afore,  and  I  gess  dey 
dident  in  dese  close  and  in  dis  place.  Mind  I  call  you,  I 
wanted  to  back  out  as  bad  as  ebber  a  rat  wid  his  nose  in  a  trap 
ebber  did  in  he  life.  But  it  war  no  use ;  I'd  put  myseff  in  de 
close.  I'd  begged  and  todied  to  get  dar  as  much  as  enny  odder 
republican  ebber  did,  putty  near,  and  I  was  bound  to  blaze 
for  once.  When  I  go't  fairly  into  de  room,  I  was  astonished 
to  see  de  pepil.  Dere  was  de  Lord  High  Chemberlin,  who 
has  charge  ob  all  de  chambermades.  Dere  was  Lord  Derby, 
de  one  who  was  named  arter  de  celebrated  race  hoss  by  dat 
name.  Dere  was  de  Chandiler,  de  candle-maker  dat  I 
spoked  'bout  in  my  lass.  Dere  was  sogers  in  ebbery  kind  ob 
beauful  close,  and  dere  was  rambassadors  from  ebbery 
country,  in  gold  and  broidered  close — some  wid  wigs  and 
some  wid  not.  Near  me  sat  de  Duchess  of  Sunderland, 


356  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

"  Uncle  Tom's  "  friend,  and  soon  as  she  seed  me,  she  ax  all 
'bout  Mrs.  Haireyt  Butcher  Stowe  and  Uncle  Tom.  She 
tole  me  dat  de  high  cheer  and  gold  fixins  in  one  corner  ob  de 
room  was  de  trone,  and  dat  putty  soon  her  Royal  Highness 
wood  enter  tended  by  her  mades  of  honor. 

While  I  was  waitin  for  de  show  to  come  off,  I  ax  de 
Dutchass  who  all  de  different  folks  was.  She  node  em  all. 
Dere  was  nuff  Lords,  Dukes,  Barrens,  Dutchasses,  and  Lord 
Highs,  to  keep  a  nation  poor  for  ten  senterys.  Dey  all 
bowed  to  me  as  dey  passed,  and  if  I  dident  spread  myseff 
dat  time  den  I  don't  noe  how  its  done — dats  all.  Dere  was 
a  Royal  High  band  on  a  big  shelf  fenced  in  wid  gold  bars 
in  one  corner  ob  de  room,  and  dey  played  "  God  sabe  de 
Queen,"  and  odder  libely  airs,  but  not  one  darkey  tune  did 
dey  noe.  I*pitied  dar  ignumrence,  but  it  war  best,  for  jis 
as  sure  as  dey  a  started  a  jig  dese  ole  legs  ob  mine  wood 
hab  begun  to  break  down  in  spite  ob  de  debil  heself.  I  felt 
jis  like  it.  I  had  to  wait  a  berry  long  time  before  de  Lady 
Queen  made  her  appearance,  and  you  fellers  will  have  to 
wait  a  week  befoe  I  tell  you  how  she  looked  or  did,  kase  dis 
'pisle  am  too  long  now.  I  larnt  de  most  ob  de  Lords  and 
Dukes  names  present,  and  if  you  behabe  youseffs  I'll  send 
you  a  list,  for  it  will  be  handy  in  namin  de  babies  as  dey 
come  young  into  de  world.  You  best  belebe,  I'm  in  high 
company  now.  De  Dutchass  ob  Sunderland  hab  wited  me 
to  dinner,  and  I'm  a  goin — sure  ting. 

Now,  my  stingy  frens,  open  your  hearts  and  pockets  when 
de  sassar  comes  to  yon  for  me,  for  mind  me,  it  takes  all  I 
can  rake  and  scrape  to  lib  here.  I  kind  a  feel  abub  habin 
de  sassar  now  a  days.  When  I  get  home  I'll  see  if  somfin 
more  restarchee,  as  we  say  in  French,  can't  be  found  fur  do 
purpose 


FIFTH   EPISTOL   FROM   'CROPE.  35t 


FIFTH  EPISTOL  FROM  'UROPE. 

BRUDDERN  BLEBERS  : — 

IF  ole  Miller  hadent  a  found  out  jis  zactly  when  dis 
world  was  a  guane  to  be  destroyed  and  burnt  up  like  de  tin 
der  in  de  tinder  box,  a  man  ob  common  sense  would  natur 
ally  spose  dat  it  was  bilt  to  lass  for  ebber.  When  you  cum 
to  zamon  de  foundation  'pon  which  it  am  construed,  it 
wood  'pear  to  enny  body  wid  an  idia  abub  a  noyster  butcher, 
dat  it  were  made  a  purpose  to  stand.  Wedder  ole  Miller 
am  rite  or  not,  de  folks  ober  here,  speshly  dose  dat  lib  in 
Dukeingham's  Palace,  seem  to  tink  it  am  good  for  a  few 
years  yet,  and  hab  made  'rangements  'cordingly.  Sich  pep- 
perations  for  libin  and  fixin  up  to  stay  I  nebber  did  see,  as 
is  fully  apparent  on  ebbry  hand  fruout  de  emens  Palace. 

Dese  solid  bits  ob  reflexshuns  crossed  de  horiseu  ob  my 
mind  as  I  set  by  de  side  ob  de  Dutchass  ob  Sunderland 
awaitin  for  de  Queen  and  her  train  to  enter  de  room.  You 
will  recomlect  dat  you  left  me  a  settin  dare  at  de  close  ob 
my  lass  'pistle.  Well,  arter  settin  dare  'bout  a  nour,  de 
door  ob  de  anty  chamber  wus  opened,  and  de  lord  high  cham 
bermaid  rushed  in,  in  close  so  tite  dat  he  coodent  laff,  and 
raisin  a  wite  stick  wid  a  gould  ball  on  de  end  ob  it,  he  turned 
red  in  de  face  wid  de  effort,  but  he  cood  only  get  out  two 
werds,  and  dem  werds  was — "  De  Queen."  As  soon  as  he 
sed  dat,  dere  was  a  buzzin  in  de  room,  like  stirrin  up  a  nest 
ob  bumble  bees — fans  clattered,  silk  dresses  rattled,  laces 
fluttered,  handkerchiefs  flourished,  and  all  rose  to  dar  feet 
as  de  grand  cortagc,  or  cordage — I  forget  which  am  rite — 


358  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

entered  de  grand  hall,  which  I  discribe  to  your  darkened 
intellecks  lass  week. 

De  fust  dat  come  in  wus  de  lord  hie  chambermaid,  a  flou- 
rishin  de  stick  afore  mentioned  ;  den  come  twenty  ladies, 
dressed  in  wite  and  colored  frocks,  a  walkin  two  by  two, 
arm  in  arm  ;  dey  had  nofin  wid  dem  but  fans  and  poker- 
hankerchiefs.  Dey  war  de  Royal  high  grand  arch  nose- 
wipers  to  de  Royal  family.  Rite  a  behind  dese  she  fellers 
come  Prince  Albert  Coburg,  lookin  like  a 'Dutch  hurrah, 
arm  in  arm  wid  de  lubly  Queen  ;  and  den  come  four  ladies 
wid  touls  on  dere  arms,  a  holdin  up  de  Queen's  trail ;  dey 
war  high  arch  wipers  to  all  de  royal  family  too.  Arter  dem 
cum  all  de  royal  children,  all  washed  and  dressed  up  as  if 
it  wer  de  Forf  ob  July  ;  den  followed  some  more  wipers  and 
washers,  and  den_  nobody  else.  As  soon  as  de  pesession  com 
menced  to  mobe  in  de  room,  de  band  up  on  de  big  shelf  be 
gin  to  play,  and  all  de  pepil  jined  in  de  train,  walked  round 
de  room  tree  times,  to  show  dere  close  and  wigs,  den  we  all 
opened  rite  and  leff,  and  luff  de  Royal  family  'proach  de 
trone,  where  Her  Majesty  took  a  seat  and  a  pinch  ob  snuff. 
Den  all  de  folks  bowed  to  de  Queen,  den  to  each  other,  and 
goe'd  and  set  down  agin.  De  Prince  took  his  stand  along 
side  her  Majisty,  wid  de  snuff  box.  De  Queen  don't  like 
him  to  mingle  wid  de  ladies  at  kort,  kase  he  am  sich  a  debil 
ob  a  feller  'mong  dem,  and  dey  sich  debil  ob  fellers  'mong 
him  too.  She  keeps  him  berry  close  to  her  apron  strings, 
and  for  all  dat  dere  am  more  young  Alberts  runnin  round 
London  den  wood  fill  a  meetin  house. 

As  soon  as  the  Queen  was  cleverly  seated  and  all  de 
Royal  hie  arch  fellers  had  taken  their  stand  cordin  to  Hoile, 
de  presentations  begin — ebery  body  was  introcomduced  to 
de  royal  hie  arch  chambermaid,  and  he  introcomduced  dem 
to  her  royal  hieness.  -All  de  furrin  rambassendoors  was 


FIFTH    EPISTOL    FROM    'lIROPE.  35 i) 

toted  up  and  kissed  her  hand  and  fell  back  ;  and  bom  by  it 
come  my  turn  ;  my  heart  fluttered  like  a  washerwoman's 
day's  work  on  de  line  in  Desember,  but  I  node  I  hadent  done 
noffin  bad  'sept  dressin  up  in  dese  close,  and  I  plucked  up 
my  fitein  apperatus  and  wid  de  Dutchass  ob  Sunderland  on 
de  one  side,  and  de  hie  arch  Beship  on  de  odder,  I  walked 
up  as  bold  as  a  sheep  to  a  bunch  ob  clober.  As  I  mobed 
up  de  room  more  den  a  hundred  eye  glasses  took  good  aim 
at  me,  and  de  Queen  herseff  leveled  a  pair  at  me  dat  must 
hab  cost  more  den  fibe  dollars.  Arter  takin  a  good  look  at 
me,  de  Royal  hie  arch  chambermaid  told  her  my  name.  She 
knowed  me  at  once,  and  said  she  was  a  constant  reader  ob 
my  Lectures  in  de  1ST.  Y.  Picayune,  and  complimented  me 
bery  hiely  on  my  great  nolage  ob  Science  and  wonderful 
sence  ob  human  nature.  She  complained  ^bout  not  gettin 
de  paper  regular,  and  gabe  orders  to  de  lord  hie  arch  Stewat 
ob  de  Palace  to  pay  me  4  shillin  English  money  for  a  year's 
subscribe  to  de  paper.  She'll  be  sure  to  see  it  certin  sure  in 
future.  I  speck  de  Picayune  folks  will  be  mighty  prowd  ob 
dis  fac.  Arter  axin  me  many  questions  'bout  my  future 
corse  in  futurity,  she  induced  me  to  all  de  children  and  do 
Prince  ;  den  I  kissed  her  hand  like  de  rest  ob  de  crowd,  and 
I  fell  back  into  obscurity  to  let  a  fat  Dutch  woman  take  my 
place.  As  I  fell  back  I  seed  a  door  open  to  an  ajoinin  room, 
and  I  seed  a  long  table  filled  wid  'freshments,  and  folks  a 
goin  into  em  like  a  hungry  crowd  at  a  poor-house.  I  meg- 
itly  boged  for  dat  room,  and  de  way  I  laid  in  a  supper  and 
shampain  was  a  kaushun  to  big  eaters.  Arter  eatin  and 
drinkin  my  full,  I  leff  tru  a  different  hall  to  what  I  entered, 
and  I  wer  bowed  out  by  at  least  a  dozen  big  wigs  and  broad 
taild  coats.  I  felt  a  little  dizzy  when  I  got  to  de  treet,  and 
I  called  a  cab  and  told  de  cabman  to  dribe  me  home  tru 
Hide  Park.  I  got  in  de  cab  and  ofiHt  roll'd.  Dats  de  lass 


360  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

I  node  till  I  felt  almity  cold.  I  woke  up  and  tort  I  bin  a 
dreamin  I  was  in  de  ole  ship  and  fell  ober  bord  ;  and  sure 
nuff  I  found  myseff  up  to  my  neck  in  water.  De  darned 
drunken  cabman  had  upset  me  in  de  lake.  He  had  dumped 
me  in  and  luff  me  to  drown,  for  he  was  gone.  You  may 
bet  your  lass  shillin  dat  I  hollered  sum.  My  hollerin  soon 
brot  a  policer,  and  arter  gettin  a  rope,  fibe  odder  fellers, 
and  a  long  hook,  dey  got  me  out  ;  but  I  was  in  a  putty 
pickle.  De  man's  close,  wid  all  de  gould  'broidery  on  dem, 
was  spiled,  and  I  stood  dar  as  mad  as  a  lunitic  assilam.  De 
police  war  gwane  to  take  me  into  de  stashion  house,  but  on 
splainin  tings,  and  dey  findin  out  who  I  was,  dey  got  anodder 
cab  and  took  me  home,  when  I  treated  all  hans  and  went  to 
bed.  When  I  woke  up  in  de  mornin  I  found  I  hadent  slept 
none  all  night,  and  all  I  dreamed  'bout  was  swimmin,  Queens, 
shampain,  police,  station-house,  Dukeingham's  Palace,  andsich 
tings.  I  cotch  a  mity  cold  dat  so  stoped  de  diagram  ob  de 
troat  dat  de  borax  woodent  work,  and  I  cood  hardly  speak 
in  de  morning  for  de  broun  critters  in  de  oil  factory  canal. 

Dar,  now,  you  got  my  sperence  'mong  de  nobilty  and  sich 
like — see  dat  you  lay  de  moral  ob  it  all  to  de  flatterin  unshun 
ob  your  soles,  and  hurry  up  de  funds  to  bring  me  home. 

Good  by  on  dis  side  ob  Jorden — de  poor  ober  here  find  it 
a  hard  road  to  trabell  indeed. 

JULIUS  C.ESAR  HANNIBAL. 


SIXTH   EPISTOL   FROM   'UHOPE.  361 


SIXTH  EPISTOL  FROM  'UROPE. 

INDULGINT  DISSIPLES  : 

As  de  worm  feedef  on  de  ole  chese,  so  does  you  feed 
and  grow  fat  'pon  de  nolage  I  send  you.  Your  inquest  for 
me  to  go  to  de  French  nation  hab  bin  complied  wid  at  last 
accounts,  and  here  I  is  in  Paris  full  ob  French  soup,  sower 
wine,  and  gratitude  for  bein  here  safe  ober  dat  nasty  Chan 
nel.  Mabe  some  ob  de  fellers  dat  aint  studded  nabigation  in 
particulor  and  gografy  in  general  don't  noe  what  de  Channel 
luded  to  in  de  text  am.  I  stop  de  main  train  ob  my  'pisle  to 
liten  dem.  De  Channel  am  an  arm  or  leg  ob  de  sea,  dat  hab 
by  some  axcident  during,  a  heaby  rain,  or  de  flood  mabe, 
got  away  up  mong  a  dozen  bilen  springs,  dat  continually 
biles  up  like  an  ole  drudge,  among  a  lot  ob  hills,  belongin  to 
John  Bull  on  de  one  side,  and  France  on  de  odder.  It  biles 
so  strong  dar  dat  de  big  iron  ship  dat  took  me  across  was 
tested  'bout  like  a  fedder  on  de  end  ob  a  blow-pipe.  Ebbry 
body,  man  and  hoss,  was  sick  goin  ober,  but  like  pullin  teef, 
it  war  soon  done.  Two  hours  fetched  me  across  and  all  my 
insides  up.  One  ole  dog  wid  a  fat  man,  or  a  fat  man  wid  a 
dog,  I  mean,  was  berry  sick,  but  he  stuck  on  deck  like  tar 
to  a  darkey's  heel.  De  Captain  looked  at  him  kind  a  sorry, 
from  under  a  pair  ob  toof-brush  eyebrows,  and  opened  his 
big  whiskers  in  de  middle  an  sed  to  de  ole  fat  feller,  "-Be  of 
good  cheer,  my  hearty,  you'll  be  better  as  soon  as  you  reach 
the  pint  yonder."  "  Retch  a  pint,"  sed  de  ole  feller  ;  "  why, 
Captain  I've  retched  a  quart  already  !" 

As  soon  as  I  ribed  iu  Paris,  I  coodent  say  nuffin  to  nobo- 
16 


362  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

dy,  ebery  ting  was  so  Frenchy.  De  fust  ting  dey  did  was 
to  excruciate  me  fully  to  see  if  my  face  compared  wid  my 
passpot.  De  sogers  eyed  me  from -bed  to  foot,  and  dey  all 
bowed  as  ef  dey  had  a  double-barrelled  hinge  in  de  middle 
ob  dere  backs,  and  luff  me  pass  on.  I  tink  from  de  fuss  dey 
made  wj,d  me,  dat  dey  must  hab  taken  me  for  Fustin  Trow- 
sers  de  One,  Emprior  ob  Hitietite.  De  fust  ting  I  did  arter 
gitten  fru  de  Custom  House  (I  don't  Jike  de  customs  ob  dat 
house,  no  how),  was  to  find  my  way  to  a  eatin  house.  As 
soon  as  I  sat  down  a  waiter  come  to  me  wid  all  de  grace  ob 
a  grasshopper  stepin  ober  a  newly  plowd  field — den  my 
trubble  wid  de  tongue  begin.  De  waiter  understand  jis 
nuff  English  to  put  him  to  sleep,  so  sez  I,  "  Hab  you  eny 
soups  ?"  "  We  we  !'  sez  he  ;  "  ze  soup  am  ze  potash." 
"  No  !  no  1"  sez  I,  "  not  potash  soup,  some  odder  kind  ;  wat 
you  got  ?"  He  handed  me  de.programe  ob  de  wittels,  and 
dar  I  found  out  dat  soup  means  potage.  Dey  had  all  kinds 
ob  em — dar  was  "Potage  de  Tartar,"  made  frurn  de  juice 
ob  tar  barrels,  I  spose  ;  and  dar  was  "  Potage  de  Nigre," 
made  out  ob  boiled  niggers,  I  speck  ;  so  I  turned  from  de 
page  ob  soups,  arter  lookin  in  wain  for  clam  soup,  in  disgust 
to  de  more  solid,  and  I  begin  to  spell  'em  out,  and  afore  I 
node  it  I  had  absolutely  grown  humped  back,  busted  my 
shirtcollar  all  to  slivers,  and  split  my  bess  trowsers,  in  tryin 
to  makeout  de  crooked  names;  so  I  fell  back  and  called  for 
pork  and  beans,  but  not  a  pork  had  dey — dey  dident  noe  him 
— so'  radder  dan  no't  starbe  to  deff,  I  jis  pinted  to  de  fust 
ting  on  each  page  ob  de  list  and  I  got  a  fust  rate  dinner  ; 
tru  it  was  cooked  up  so  I  coodent  tell  wedder  I  was  a  eatin 
frogs,  rats  or  chickens,  but  I  tort  "  notin  wentured  notin 
got,"  and  went  in. 

When  I  was  full  I  feel  better  toward  mankind  in  general, 
and  French  cooks  in  particular.     De  bustin  ob  my  shirt 


SIXTH    EPISTOL    FROM    7UROPE.  363 

collar  and  its  radder  siled  condition  rendered  it  hiely  con- 
sniptious  dat  I  shood  hab  a  new  one  afore  I  went  to  see 
Lewis  Napoleon,  to  whom  I  had  letters  ob  deduction  ;  I 
seed  shirts  in  de  shop  winder,  so  I  boged  in  and  I  pantomi- 
micked  to  de  feller  (who  seemed  to  be  strung  on  wires) 
behind  de  counter,  dat  I  wanted  de  shirt.  He  looked  as 
wild  as  a  hungry  hauk  at  me  ;  he  dident  noe  wat  I  ment, 
and  here  I  made  the  orful  discubery  dat  insted  ob  my 
wearin  a  shirt  all  my  life,  I  hab  bin  wearin  a  shimmeese. 
At  home  you  noe  only  de  far  sex  indulge  in  tings  ob  dat 
name,  but  in  Paris  ebbery  man  and  woman  wars  de  shim 
meese,  but  de  he-shimmeese  am  made  jis  de  same '  as  ober 
dar,  and  so  am  de  she-meseese.  Arter  I  bied  de  shimmeese 
I  ax  for  a  hotel,  and  I  was  'sprised  to  find  dat  ebberybody's 
house  was  a  hotel,  so  it  was  easy  findin  one.  Thither  I 
went  and  kinder  slicked  up  a  little  to  go  and  see  Napoleon 
Lewis.  At  fust  I  was  kinder  fritend  at  de  soger  mans  dat 
swarm  de  treets,  and  den  arter  I  got  ober  dat,  I  had  to  laff 
at  deir  trowsers.  Dey'm  fust  rate  pants  to  steel  apples  in, 
I  tell  you  ;  dey'm  big  nuff  round  de  seat  and  legs  to  hold  a 
bushel  ob  taters,  and-  so  tite  at  de  bottom  dat  nofin  kin  fall 
out ;  a  feller  mite  carry  nuff  provishions  to  last  him  a  week 
in  'em  and  noboddy  wpod  noe  it.  Dese  fellers  in  dese  trow 
sers  am  all  ober  Paris,  as  tick  as  crows  'pon  a  ded  hoss,  and 
'bout  as  bizzy.  As  soon  as  I  spit  on  my  boots  and  rubbed 
dem  off  wid  my  toof-brush  (dat's  a  handy  practice  in 
trablin),  I  call'd  a  cab  and  dribed  rite  off  fru  de  Bull  Yards 
to  de  "  Hotel  de  Fooleries,"  whar  de  Einprior  am  libin  in 
klober  wid  he  young  bride — de  women  am  all  arter  Lewis — 
eben  Quean  "Wictoria,  de  bold  ting  am  'bout  presentin  him 
wid  her  garter,  so  he  kin  judge  ob  de  size  ob  her  leg.  Dis 
from  de  mudder  ob  sich  a  brood  ob  Alberts  am  hiely 
senuary.  My  pisle  hab  got  so  long  I  muss  cut  it  off  here, 


364  BLACK    DIAMONDS. 

as  de  doctor  sed  'bout  de  sore  leg — and  stop.  My  enter 
tainment  wid  de  Emprior  and  odder  tings  I  must  lebe  to 
some  prebious  'caison  to  you  about  in  de  Picayune. 

Don't  forgit  de  sasser,  and  belebe  me  as  much  French  as 
posable. 

JULIUS  C^SAB  HANNIBAL. 


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